Ancient Greece: Gods, Goddesses and Myths

[00:00:00] This show is nominated for a 2026 Golden Lobes Podcast Award. Get in! What are you using Facebook to log into things with? Whatsapp and like... You know when you download an app and then it's like, what do you use to log in? And if Facebook is an option I do just always click Facebook. Like chess.com I log in using Facebook, you know? That is an old sentence. Hi, I'm Hugh. And I'm Will.

[00:00:27] And this is Legitimate Likes, the podcast where we take a look at some of humanity's most popular fascinations. And we try to work out, are they really worthy of the hype? They may be likes, but are they Legitimate Likes? This week we're talking about the Greeks with producers Michael and Ornia. It was very deep. Why were you doing a funny voice? The Greeks! This week Christopher Walken is talking about the Greeks.

[00:00:50] I gotta tell ya, you know, the guy who ran from marathon to Athens, he probably wouldn't have died if instead of running he just tried Christopher Walken. Have you run a marathon, Hugh? No. No. I'm not a runner though. Yeah, you have run, but you're not a runner. Exactly. Exactly.

[00:01:12] I kind of take pride in the fact that if I were required tomorrow, and I don't see the circumstance that would require this to run 5k, I can do it. Yeah. Well, to be honest, the circumstance that would require it, Will, is that you're in Kerry with me and say, will we go for a run? Yeah. Yeah. It's classic me. We should do an episode where, you know, Will and I go for runs and record while we run. That'd be fun, right? Yeah, it'd be fun for us, but it'd be absolutely dreadful to listen to.

[00:01:42] No, but Ornia and Hugh could be at home base. They could be kind of keeping things going, spinning the plates, and Will, you and I could be, we could race! We could race in an episode! That'd be great! That'd be fun, right? And so Ornia and I are doing the punditry, basically, in the studio. You and Ornia are at home base. Will and I are dialing in. We're each running 10k. Do you mean the shop? No! At home base! We're in our little tunics. We're at HQ, not B&Q.

[00:02:11] Did I tell you about the time I was trying to get a key cut, and I rang maybe B&Q, and I was like, do you guys cut keys? And he was like, you're thinking of woodies! And Mark and I quote that to each other all the time. You were thinking of woodies, though. I did a secret shopping in woodies one time. Have you heard about this, Will? Oh yeah, Hugh's secret shopping where he got paid to be a secret shopper. And I was looking to buy masonry paint, and also some bedding plants. And you had to pretend you couldn't buy them because you were on your bike.

[00:02:39] This time I wasn't meant to buy them, so I was like, I'm not going to be able to get these home on the bike, am I? Yeah. So that was the challenge you were setting? To not my stuff. Hugh would be given these tasks. You had to return a jumper, did you? You made me do that! You returned the jumper. I think because we went back, and it had been such a prolonged thing the day before. And I was like, no, this was the same person there. And I was like, can you just do it for me on you? Eventually you did. And God bless you.

[00:03:09] They kept asking you like, but maybe if we could do this, and you just kept saying, it's just not right. You also did loads of Eddie Rockets, didn't you? Oh yeah, that was the best. What did you do in Eddie Rockets? I was like, order and eat a meal. I think I helped you out with that one. You were always promising me a go, but I never got one. I just got to return the jumpers. Did you never get one? No. No. No. No. Well guys, it's the end of the season. Oh yeah, so sad.

[00:03:37] So, tonight we're going to talk about the ancient Greeks. I thought we had done something similar to this, but I looked back through and I think what I'm thinking of is Gladiator was the last time we took a swords and sandals take on things. But I think this is the first time, oh, we've done the Victorians as well. Maybe this is the first time since then that we've taken on, I suppose, an age or an era of people. We did an episode on Greece, the musical. I was going to do a bit, but I thought it was too cheap and I knew you'd snatch that little hanging fruit. Just if that's what people thought they were dialing in.

[00:04:05] That was the first episode I wasn't on. I know, yeah. That was a cracker. Fresh fish, I think, wasn't it? Yeah, and we sang that song about Tandra Gee. Yeah. Come with me to Tandra Gee. So go back and listen to Greece, the Victorians or Gladiator. I think three fine episodes. I think we have to do all the Greases now. We're doing Ancient Greece. We've done Greece the musical. We do Greece the country. And then we do Greece the lubricant. I'd say Michael would have a lot to say about that. What's your favorite lube, Michael? Oh. Oh.

[00:04:36] That's no good answer to that question, is there? WD-40. Yeah, I mean, it has 40 uses. That's why it's called that, right? I mean, apparently it has hundreds of uses. No, that's not true, actually. Yeah, wasn't it the 40th iteration of the thing it is? Yes. But don't they claim there's like 800 uses for it? But they're all basically just spraying WD-40 on things, so I don't know if that counts. Well, I was saying like doors, small doors, bigger doors, bathroom doors. Cat flaps. Sorry? Cat flaps.

[00:05:06] I'm so glad the word cat was there before the word flaps. Oh my gosh. We kick off with our usual three question quiz. My first question is, what's Greek life? Was that like a trashy magazine that got sent around Ancient Greece? Was it a blur song? Greek life. Yeah. I take a trip down to Delphi to hear the oracle. What have they got to say? Nothing, as always.

[00:05:35] I get in a phalanx and I go down to Olympus and eat bread and honey, except on Tuesdays. All the Greekos. So many Greekos. This is what I'm worried about with this episode. I know absolutely nothing about Ancient Greece. But you know stuff about blur, right? Jumping on this riff where I know nothing about either subject. All the Greekos. Come on.

[00:06:03] They all go nakedly, smothering olive oil on their slaves. That's pretty good. Greek life. Yeah. Yeah. So what is Greek life? What is Greek life? Oh, it's not like the fraternity life. Don't they call them the Greek? It is. It is. I don't know why you're dismissively saying that. Is it? Yeah. So yeah, Greek life refers to the social activities of fraternity trans priorities. What on earth? Sorry, sorry, Onya. Sorry. Oh God. Michael is dancing. Do that again.

[00:06:32] We've never seen that before. It's celebrating. He looks like Kid Cootie when he was on stage with MGMT at Coachella, which is not a reference any of you will get. But anyway. Will, if you've ever wondered what Michael's orgasm face is, you just saw it. Will doesn't have to wonder. I've always been in front of him. I've never seen it. Why are you so happy, Michael? Because it was a shot in the dark. Amazing. Amazing guess. Amazing guess. So what? This is like gamma, epsilon, pi or something? Yeah, yeah.

[00:07:02] So the sororities are always things like phi, kappa, kappa, gamma and stuff which aren't the Greek alphabet, Will or Hugh, am I right? Yeah, yeah. Yeah. And that is known as Greek life. Would you guys like to be in a fraternity or sorority if you were in ancient Greece, I was going to say, in university in the States? I don't really know what they are. Michael, you definitely nurse an idle fantasy about being... I think it'd be kind of cool, wouldn't it? To have like a letterman jacket and be in a fraternity. Like what percentage of students are in them?

[00:07:33] That's such a good question. It's very me, isn't it? Give me the data. Yeah. And the education rates vary significantly depending on the campus. So in some colleges, less than 5% and in other colleges, it's 50%. So some places, it's a really big thing. Interesting. And do you know what rushing is?

[00:08:01] Rushing is the thing when you try to get in, isn't it? Yeah. You rush for... Yeah, it's like their hiring rounds, right? Yeah. Kind of thing, isn't it? And then if you do get through that, I think you then get hazed, which is very... And then there's pledging. Is pledging? Is that the thing as well? Yeah, pledging, hazing, rushing, all these things. But I'm not really sure what you do. I think you kind of live in a house, don't you? And you have like a house mother or a house dad or whatever. Yeah, you have parties. You carry... You get those red cups. You play beer pong. Peg stubs.

[00:08:30] Like guitars. Toga parties, obviously. You don't study up until the very last day. And then you get some nerdlingers in the fraternity to help you out. Okay, you're the nerdlinger. Yeah, I'd be the nerdlinger. They give you a makeover though. Yeah, you get into conflicts with the administration on the campus. But everyone actually kind of likes you. There's a sorority that you guys are always, you know, hosting parties with. Shall we say? Yeah, there's probably a fair few high schools you're hosting parties for as well though, aren't they, you creeps? No.

[00:08:59] I don't think any of us would be in a fraternity or sorority. I don't think we're those kinds of people. I can see myself accidentally getting into one, like not really knowing what it is. And then being like, oh... Oh, that's the movie. Oh God, what have I done? What is this? Okay, so question two. I'm going to give you three facts about the ancient Greeks, two of which are real, one of which I've made up. So the first one is, Greeks used stones as toilet paper.

[00:09:23] Secondly, the ancient Greeks were terrified of wombats and considered them bad luck because they thought they were the demon attendant beasts of the underworld. And the third one was, they believed that sneezing was a message from the gods. Oh, that's good stuff. Now... So the stones thing. Yeah. My God. Are we going to run into problems, Anya, if it's revealed that wombats are marsupials and only live in Australia? Yeah. Yeah. Well, I mean... I love it.

[00:09:53] I really do. Maybe they did a J1. Maybe they were down there. Yeah. Maybe they were on Bondi. You mean a G1, surely. G1. Yeah. Any thoughts on the stones? A G alpha. On the stones? Exactly. Stones, so they were wiping their body with stones. Like gravelly stones or what are we talking about? I reckon that'd feel quite nice, actually. Exfoliating. Fragments of ceramic, actually. Fragments of ceramic? That's so much worse. So sharp. And sometimes it would be... Well, do you want to take a guess?

[00:10:22] The wombats is... Yeah, that's definitely false. Where did that come from? Onya, just so you know, if those two weren't here, you and I, right... We'd be having a great time. We'd be having a lovely time. Like, I don't have the word marsupial to hand. Nor do I really know what one is, you know? Nor I. Could I have googled it? I didn't think it would be fun to pick a creature if I was like, oh, the lesser spotted Greek bat was considered the demon god of the underworld. Like, that's not fun. You know what I mean? Or if I was like the Hellenic grub.

[00:10:52] You know, that's not fun. No, no, it's not. And do you know, wombat, like, I was literally about to say, you don't hear about wombats enough until Hugh jumped in and ruined everything. I'm going to have a lovely chat about wombats. Didn't Michael decide he was the same weight as a wombat? Yeah, didn't we find that out? I thought they were like birds, but they're little kind of furry little bears. Yeah, they're like big rats, small bears kind of thing. Yeah, kind of, I guess. So that's the TV show we're pitching, is it? Big rat, small bear.

[00:11:22] Yeah. I thought those were Michael's favourite porn categories, actually. So the Greeks, sometimes they used a sponge for the bathroom. Great. Way better. But then wealthier people would use more luxurious things like wool, right? Or they'd use fragments of ceramic. And sometimes the ceramic would be smashed up pots, I think, that the politicians would have inscribed the names of public enemies on. And then it would be bashed up and people would use that. But you just have to wonder, even in the ancient world,

[00:11:51] surely there are many other solutions other than a piece of broken rock. Yeah, it's odd. What would be your top three choices to wipe poo out of your anus with? That's my question. The golden fleece. Break a branch off a tree, like leaves. Like leaves. Like leaves, yeah. I'm pretty sure Jason had sex on the golden fleece. Did he? Yeah. He said that like it was a guy in the fraternity. Did you guys hear Jason? Jason got lucky on the golden fleece last night.

[00:12:19] The gene's gonna lose his mind when he finds out in his fleece, guys. And the sneeze. Oh, you think it's like a zippy fleece? Yeah, I was right. It's quarter zip. Jason's golden quarter zip. He got it because he's gonna make nationals with inter-varsity basketball. He's running point guard. He always gives it to his best girl. Did you guys hear he got alimony from his mom? I don't know. He's gonna run in the primaries, but he's gotta get the Latino caucus.

[00:12:51] I nearly said caucus. Okay? Yeah. And then the sneezing? Yeah, so sneezing was considered a mess from the gods. So if you sneezed at the start of a task or a conversation, it indicated a favorable outcome. But if you sneeze unexpectedly or during an inappropriate moment, it was considered a bad omen. Oh. Okay, so an early question for the last one. What are the three ages of the ancient Greek civilization? There's three phases. What are they? Oh.

[00:13:20] The early, the middle and the late. I was gonna ask, are they called things like, yeah, the something age? Or is it more like the Peloponnesian? Kind of, yeah. So... The Macedonian age. Is that one of them? They're kind of what you would expect. I'll give you the first one maybe. The early Greek age. The Phoenician. So the early stage is called Archaic. The Archaic age. And then you two... Is the last one called the modern age? No.

[00:13:45] I think the last two are the ones that we would think of when you think of funny ancient Greek stuff, what you're imagining. Classical? Classic? Yeah. So the middle one is the classical Greek age. What's the last one before the end of the Greek... This was the... The... The... The decline. No. Neoclassical. No. Think more Greece. Modern Greece. Byzantine. No? No. Hellenistic. Hellenistic.

[00:14:13] So the Archaic age goes from about 800 to 480 BC. Just so we can set down some boundaries of what we're talking about here. The classical age is 480 to 323 BC. And the Hellenistic age goes from 323 to 31 BC. So actually ancient Greek history for me anyway, I was surprised at how short it actually is. It's actually not... Well, I suppose 800 years. Short, but considerably longer than the world as we know it today. Sorry? Like it went on for a lot longer than the world as we know it today, right?

[00:14:41] It was about 400 years there, right? Well, 800 to 31 BC. 800. Right, okay. But I always think when you look back on history, that feels like a shorter... Mm. But like from today going back, that's to the what, 1400s? Is that like... Such bad maths. The 1200s. It's okay. Okay. But it's a while, right? Like it's a lot, you know, a lot has happened. And correct me if I'm wrong, Hugh, I think you'll know this, maybe Michael. Or maybe you will. But they... Well, you don't have to.

[00:15:08] It's really nice of you to include me, but you don't have to. No, you went to a boring school like... You went to a normal school like me. The local comp. How would we know this stuff? We didn't have classical education. It's not our fault. Yeah. Yeah, we learn about proper things. Like divorced, beheaded, died. Divorced, beheaded, survived. I thought you were going to make a joke about like... Getting fags, getting lucky, and uh... Getting... Getting... Iron brew. That's not alcohol though, is it? No. No.

[00:15:36] Getting fags, getting lucky, and getting iron brew. The three rules for life. The three rites of passage. They were learning about the archaic age, the classical age, and the health investigation from me. I was like, first, like to be cool, you gotta be smoking cigarettes. And then if you're that cool, if you're smoking cigarettes, there's a good chance you're gonna have sex. And then... Once you've had sex, first you get the money, then you get the power, then you get the woman, then you get the iron brew. Then you get the iron brew. The Greeks then...

[00:16:06] The Roman Empire then took off. Am I right in thinking that? Yeah, the Roman Empire was doing okay. But I guess, yeah, like your age of Caesars began in what, about 40, 44 BC, 48 BC, something like that. 44 was when he died, I think. Yeah, so I feel they dovetail though, like the Greeks go into the Romans, yeah. The Greeks went into everyone. Well, that's it. Hugh, you're very excited to do this. Is that a particular reason why? I just love a bit of ancient stuff.

[00:16:32] I suppose I'd know more of the myths, you know, that's where I'd be going. I feel with Rome, we do know a lot of like the politics and the war and that side of things, as well as the myths, which first of all, and the gods, which the Romans all just nicked from the Greeks anyway. Yeah. Whereas I think with the Greeks, we know more just about the myths rather than the history, you know? Yeah, yeah. The Greeks don't feel as real for some reason. No. Yeah. Is that just because they were less dramatic? Although they were quite dramatic given all the theatre they wrote, I suppose.

[00:17:02] The invention of theatre, yeah. Yeah. So, earlier today I sent you guys a quiz on which Greek god you are. Were you surprised at who you got, Michael? Who did you get? Not at all. Zeus. Got Zeus, obviously. So, Michael, one of the questions was what is your key trait? Did you write leader? Yeah. I said did. Michael, I'm not sure that other people would agree. Yeah, but Michael just chose all the ones that lead to Zeus. Like it was quite clear which way the quiz was directing you, you know? No, hang on. I picked weird. I picked weird.

[00:17:30] No, that was for the second one, Michael. Okay. I picked playful and then I said, what was that for the bad one? What did I pick? I said protective and obsessive. Jesus Christ! Wow. What did you say, Will? I said playful and weird. Oh, yeah. So, Michael got Zeus. So, we know the quiz works. History's greatest philanderer. Oh, right. Okay. Why was it, Michael, that you wouldn't just have sex with everything as yourself? Why did you have to be a swan or a bull? Yeah.

[00:18:00] Or I think I'm right in saying, Michael, one time you transformed yourself into a shower of golden rain. Oh, did I? Which is, I mean, some people are into no king shaming. Classic me. I think that's where Perseus came from, yeah. Anya, who were you? You were Michael's long-suffering wife. Hera, yeah. Yeah. Which I actually did the quiz the other day and I forgot who I got so I did it again. So, I think there's no getting away from it. But I would not have picked that at all. I definitely think I'm a trickster of some sort. No, you're Dionysus or something, right?

[00:18:30] Got a wine. Yeah. And parties. And rocking out. That's pretty cool. Yeah, maybe. I don't think you're as vengeful as Hera, are you? No, I don't think so. I thought I'd be some sort of a demigod, like some sort of sprite getting up to mischief. Or the messenger, or that term he's supposed to be. Or pan. Was pan Greek? Will would be pan, but I don't think he was Greek. Yeah, he would. Honey, do you want to read out the joke I sent you? Yeah. This really made me laugh. Will got, I'm here to read Demeter.

[00:19:00] Do you know what? You're such a Demeter. Absolutely. Demeter is the goddess of the harvest, right? And she's Persephone's mother, right? Persephone's mother. You're absolutely Demeter. You care about the inform. All this is said in a good thing. Although, you'd probably, like, you sort of lose your daughter in a bit of a bet, in a way. Yeah. And if that was going to happen to anyone on the pod, it would happen to you totally. It would happen to you. It would happen to you. Yeah. You're good-hearted, Will. Yeah. I'm the giver of grain.

[00:19:30] Who did you get, Hugh? Well, I thought maybe I'd get Hermes the messenger, you know, the winged sandals. I thought maybe I'd get Hephaestus just doing stuff in the forge. I thought maybe, who knows, maybe Athena. Maybe I'm wise. No. I got Hades. Oh, I see it. I totally see it. Did you? What did you pick as your traits? So, well, obsessive and protective, which might have been part of it. Yeah, I'd say so.

[00:19:58] I picked The Godfather as my movie. I said Ocean's Eleven. I picked Batman. Yes, obviously. I said my greatest fear was rejection. Oh my God, mine was being alone. I picked an animal. No, I love being alone. Mine was being forgotten. I picked an animal. I picked the owl. I picked Romanesque, ironically enough. Sorry, Michael, are you in a vest? I picked a crocus. What? Are you in a vest? No, I'm not in a vest. I just rolled up my sleeve. Why have you done that? Is that okay?

[00:20:29] Sorry, Hugh. You absolute pervert. What are you doing? Is this a bitch? No, it's not a bitch. I'm just sitting here and I'm a bit warm. I just rolled up my sleeve. You're a bit warm. How on earth is two inches going to make a difference? Just take your clothes off like a normal person. Yeah, or take your socks off or something. What are you doing? Sorry, Hugh. Go on. You don't have to apologize for pointing out that weird performative gun show.

[00:20:57] That's just more comfortable actually. When you do it looks weird. Yes, of course it does. Of course it looks weird, Michael. I actually thought maybe you had a cardigan on. But I thought your flesh was like a sleeve. Sorry, Hugh. What did you pick for your sport? Oh, well, you see there wasn't golf on it. What, dragging souls to the underworld or something? I picked chess. Okay. Yeah, maybe you are Hades. I think you'd like the underworld. It's quiet. Do you know what? I actually think I would. And he's not, it's not like he's the devil.

[00:21:27] Everyone goes to the underworld. Well, it's a bit like saying Hitler made the trains run on time, I suppose. But you know how I always say everyone talks to Hugh. Maybe this is it. But everyone ends up with Hugh. In hell. Yeah. Is the underworld hell? No, because everyone goes there. Oh, there's no heaven. I don't think so. Now there are also, aren't there the fields of Asphodel? But I don't know where they part of the underworld or not. But there's Elysium. That's Roman. Elysium. Is it? Yeah. Do you reckon you'd have ducked my daughter Hugh?

[00:21:57] If it was funny. For six months of the year probably. Yeah. Yeah. Fair enough to be honest. Yeah. Michael, what was your biggest fear? I think it was being forgotten. Wasn't that one of them? Yeah. Dark. Yeah. Same as mine. God, I don't care at all. But I think that was about being forgotten when you die. But I'm scared of being forgotten like now. Yeah. What room did you pick? I picked the room full of books. I've picked the kind of Cape Cod ocean one. Yeah, that was a good one. A bathroom with all the candles for me. Oh.

[00:22:26] And what about the place? Ibiza. Oh, I'm sorry. Of course. Yeah. See, I went Mount St. Helens, which I guess is a volcano. Mount St. Helens? I think. We're so similar, Hugh. I picked the books on Mount St. Helens as well. But of all the places of those that I'd want to go to on, I'd like to go to Mount St. Helens. Yeah. Definitely. Hugh will do it. So if you were one of these gods or demigods, how would you like to spend your time? Would you spend your time seducing innocent mortals, Michael? No. Would you be interested in the milk and honey?

[00:22:56] No. Would you be... What would you be doing? Tricking people? I like meddling in the affairs of mortals. That'd be interesting. That's what you do now. Setting events in chain. Yeah. Seeing what happens. Yeah. In a playful way. In a way that's not going to adversely impact them. But that'd be fun. You know? How would you playfully interrupt our lives? What would you do to us? It'd be like playing The Sims, wouldn't it? You know? Like, you know? Will has stubbed his toe. Every time we go swimming, the stairs get deleted. Yeah.

[00:23:25] Would you like to have the reins to manage our lives for us? For a week? Oh yeah. Can you imagine if I put you guys on my improvement program? If I took over? What would that involve? Oh, I don't know. It'd be like a shot in the arm. It'd be like a... Like in a good way. Not like with a gun. Just riding up. Yeah. You know? I don't know if you could stand the G's. I don't know if you could take the... Michael, do you want to give me some advice for the coming week then? Yeah. Okay. So roll up your sleeves real high. Okay. Okay. Higher.

[00:23:55] Higher, Will. How long are your sleeves, Michael? It's taken so long. Let's see. Okay. Okay. And that's it, Will. It's done. Oh great. So that's all I need to do. You don't need to know anything specific about what my week entails. Yeah. Will, you look like such a creep. Yeah, you do, Will. It's because of the hat in the ear. Oh, there it is. No, that's better, weirdly. The hat to the side. Yeah. Michael, why did you roll yours down again? You don't want to be like anyone else, do you? Once we did it, it wasn't fun anymore. I just got a little chilly. Are you rolling up your trousers as well?

[00:24:25] What's going on? I need the warmth. He's rolling down his trousers. Hugh, I pointed out earlier, I think the Greek diet, I think you would love it, right? Right, yogurt, honey. Barely need to change a thing, yeah. Yeah, bread. Yeah. Fruit. Olives. A lot of olives. Do you eat olives? I don't like that. Tzatziki. Gyros. I don't think the ancient Greeks were eating gyros. Chips. Yeah, I don't think they were like souvlaki stands lining the streets. Have you ever had, is that the cheese?

[00:24:54] I was going to say it's Nagasaki, but it's definitely not. What's the cheese? It's saganaki. Saganaki. Oh my God, that's so good. Saganaki, it's like a lightly battered cheese with lemon juice on it. It's unbelievable. Oh my God, just the best. Yeah, halloumi is also just like- Halloumi is amazing. It's so good, it should be illegal. Like it doesn't feel right. It's just like- Salty and fatty and crispy and chewy and oh, it's so good. Yeah. I think I ate too much of it when I first became vegetarian

[00:25:22] because you'd just get fobbed off with halloumi every time. Oh, we're having a three course meal, you're having halloumi. For each course. We're having a Sunday roast, you're having a halloumi, or you can have a mushroom risotto. Those are the only two options in restaurants for the next 10 years. Enjoy. Yeah, fair enough. I make a really good what I call my air fryer salad, which sounds horrible. Oh God. Do you have a two drawer air fryer, Will? I don't even have a one drawer. All right, well you can make it in an oven, but- No, okay. So it's sweet potato and potato with paprika, chopped up cubes in one thing.

[00:25:50] And then the other thing is peanuts and almonds and cashews with halloumi and chickpeas in the other. And then in a big bowl, you chop peppers and cucumbers. And then you dump it all in together with lime juice and it's just nuts. Michael, you couldn't have it. Sounds good. Sounds good. The funny thing is, Michael, I think you'd love nuts. I know. I think I would too. Yeah. What about, aside from the gods that we ourselves have been, are there any like characters from the legends who you like? Are there any ones that really stick out to you? Pandora. Oh.

[00:26:20] Yeah. Because I know that would happen to me. It absolutely would. Yeah. I'd accidentally be like, oops, I dropped the box. What about you? Jason and his fleece, his quartership. Jason and the fleece. I like the fact that when Jason went to get the golden fleece, right? He assembled this big group of heroes. To go to drum drum shopping center. It was kind of like Ocean's Eleven. Or it was kind of like getting a super group together, like the traveling Wilburys. Like he got loads of Greek heroes from their own stories. Like Heracles came along for a bit. Yeah.

[00:26:50] And Orpheus came along. And all these guys who had their own heroic stories came and joined them. You know, so I think that was quite good. It was like, yeah, it was like the Avengers. It was the multiverse kind of situation. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Did, did, can we, can we, I mean the Trojan, Trojan Wars, are we there? Are they in this? Are they allowed? Yeah. Yeah. Well, the ancient Greeks were half of us. Yeah. Odysseus. He was a bit of badass, right? He was pretty great. Achilles. You must love Achilles, Michael. He was great, right? Yeah, he was pretty cool. Pretty amazing, right?

[00:27:19] Any other, who are the other Greek legends? Oh yeah. And then of course there's the philosophers and stuff, but I don't find them as interesting. The mathematicians. Circe. Circe, very cool. Have you read the book? Circe? She's very cool. I have. I think you recommended it to me. Very good. Madeline Miller? Madeline Miller. She's great. There, I mean, what I will say is there's been too many recent novels about Greek mythology in the last 10 years. Like there's been so many, but some of them are just great. Do you think it's lazy? You know, Madeline Miller's great. No, I don't.

[00:27:49] I just think like it's, it's really had a moment and an awful lot of people have done it. But like, I don't know. Have you read the, not the science of the girls. That is a Trojan war one. A thousand ships by Natalie Haynes. Oh, that's great. Really, really good. Sorry. I think one that I used to love when I was a kid was, I can't hear you. You'll probably know the name. Who was tied to the rock? Oh, Andromeda. Oh no. Prometheus. Sorry. WWF. Or was it WWE? Which time period? Yeah.

[00:28:15] So Andromeda was tied there and Perseus rescued her and married her. But Prometheus was the guy who had his liver torn out every day. Oh yeah. Pecked out by a boar. But did they have to bring John the Baptist's head on a plate? No, I'm getting confused. That's different. Yeah. That's a little different. Someone's head, someone's head got, someone's head got taken off at the wedding feast or something. Medusa. So Perseus, Perseus killed. Did he have to bring Medusa's head to the wedding or something? Yeah. So Perseus killed Medusa, right?

[00:28:43] Whose face turned everyone into stone. He can be used to put 200 quid in the card. And then he wanted to marry Andromeda. So Andromeda, her parents, there was some sort of bad prophecy they got. So her parents were like, well, why don't we? Oh no. There was a sea monster attacking the city. And so they said, why don't we tie our beautiful daughter to a rock naked, obviously. So the sea monster can eat her.

[00:29:11] Perseus basically landed there because Hermes had given him his sandals. And he was like, whoa, there's this hot naked girl on a rock. You sound like you're describing a dream. And you were there, but you were kind of like Hermes, but we were in my school. But you were wearing your dungarees. Sorry, go on. So Hermes arrives. No, he's got a sandals. So then Perseus arrives, having killed Medusa. And he rescues Andromeda, largely because she's naked and hot. And then I think her parents are like, oh, this is great.

[00:29:40] You should marry him. And then I think he does. But then whoever he was, whoever he was going, oh no, he brought the head back to his, his horrible uncle, possibly. Who said, oh, if you bring that back, it'll all be fine. He arrives back as his uncle is about to marry his mom. Perseus' mom, not the uncle's mom. Right. Although with the Greeks, you never know. Am I right? And then I think they all laughed at him or like, kill him.

[00:30:09] And then Perseus was like, no, look at this head instead. And then everyone got turned to stone. I love it. Oh yeah. Yeah, yeah. And such is the tale of Perseus. And my other favorite one is Orpheus and Eurydice. Oh. That's so sad. So sad. But that would also happen to me. What happened there? Orpheus, the greatest musician of the age. Hugh though, Hades, Eurydice, Eurydice, is that how you pronounce it? Or Eurydice or something. Eurydice, Eurydice, Eurydice, you're right.

[00:30:37] And Eurydice, that's a joke there. Oridici. Let's hear it. Give me some of that Oridici with your Nagasaki cheese. Please put your hands together and welcome to the stage our headline act. It's Duncan Valentine. I'd love a Duncan Valentine retelling at the Greek myths. Well, here it is. He's working out some very old material. So this broad, right? She dies. She passes away and she's brought by my boyfriend Hugh Hades back to the underworld. God, that's very cheap.

[00:31:09] And Orpheus, her husband, goes to Hades and says, can I have her back? And he's like, Hades, for some reason is like, sure. But only if you walk ahead of her and you never look back until you're out of the underworld. And Orpheus can't resist the very end, one last look back at his wife. And then he turns around and poof. What idiot! Why is he looking back? But that's what happens. It's such a good, it's a good commentary on human nature. Because maybe he's worried, he's like, is she following me? Because she's ten paces behind. And it's scary, it's in the underworld.

[00:31:39] I know man, I just want to look back. Walk forwards. This guy's in an alpha, this guy's in ice bathing every morning. He needs to check his morning routine. He's an idiot. Michael, are you any favourite myths? No, but can we include Asap's fables maybe? I mean that's, he was... So you're telling me of all the stuff you're like, I like the boring one about how the crow gets up too early in the morning and he's given his comeuppance by a badger. Yeah, or like the one with the stork. But they're not myths, Michael. No, but they're stories, aren't they from ancient Greece? He was Greek, yeah. What's your favourite one? My favourite one?

[00:32:08] I think my favourite one is the one where the, so the... What is it? The fox needs to cross the river with the head. No, the fox, no, the stork invites the fox over for dinner. And the stork says, we're having a lovely, we're having a lovely soup. We're having a great old soup. It's one of the nicest soups you've ever had, fox. And the stork serves them in these very long fluted jugs.

[00:32:34] So the stork can get his storky beak in and can get all the soup. But the fox, being a fox, can't do anything. But so then the fox says, well, I have to have you back. You know, if you've had me next weekend, you come over to my place, we'll get a takeaway and all that. And then when he gets there, it's a big shallow dish and the fox is able to lap it up with his foxy tongue. And the stork can't do anything. What's the lesson? I think it's something to do with like serving ware. Yeah, having the appropriate colour. You've got a big sharp nose. Yeah.

[00:33:03] Okay, I'm going to get the book. I have to say, I didn't like those as a kid. I thought they were just preachy and annoying. And like, it's all about comeuppance and teaching a lesson. The woman and the fat hen. All right. A woman owned a hen that laid an egg every morning, as hens do. How long is this? Very, very brief. About four sentences. Since the hen's eggs were of excellent quality, they sold for a good price. So at one point, the woman thought to herself, if I double my hen's allowance of barley, she'll lay twice a day. Now that, that's good thinking.

[00:33:33] In fairness to the woman. Therefore, she put her plan to work. Tell her you're not a farmer, Michael. And the hen became so fat and contented. Or an animal rights activist. That it stopped laying altogether. What's the lesson there? Well, apparently the lesson summarized by this edition is... The lesson is just fat people are lazy. Jesus Christ. This is not a good lesson. Relying on statistics does not always produce results. Like, what? That is true. That is good advice. Is it though? Of course that's the one you like to read, Michael. Yeah. Statistics may be misleading.

[00:34:02] What about the ass and his driver? Oh, there's one about you, Michael. I didn't realize you had a driver. I can't wait to hear this one. Go on, tell us about the... Well, no, just give us what the lesson is of the ass and his driver. There's no lesson on this one. This is what finally happens when we have an episode I'm looking forward to, Michael, is like, I'm going to read a book out loud instead. No, just give me the lesson of the ass and his driver. I'll just read the last sentence. The ass resisted and pulled the opposite way until the man let go and said, Well, Jack, if you want to be your own master, I can't help it. Wow. That is hot. So...

[00:34:31] What a hot fable. Wow. Okay. So, who do you think made the bigger impact on our lives now, either the Greeks or the Romans? Romans. Yeah, I think the Romans as well. Definitely Romans. Maybe that's a recency bias. There's just more of their stuff left around as well, you know? I don't care about the Greeks, Michael. That's true. That's true. There would be no Romans without the Greeks. I don't know about that. I think the Romans would be different. Yeah, isn't that literally what Hugh's saying? Yeah, exactly. They'd be boring.

[00:35:02] Alright, okay. Well, who would live in Rome then? Well, where would you prefer to live? Would you rather live in ancient Greece or ancient Rome? Ancient Greece. I don't know. Rocks for toilet paper? Yeah, me too. Better quality of life, I think. Aside from the toilet paper rocks. Can I bring you a 12-pack of Charmin? God, wouldn't you be like a god to them if you were like, I have come from another age and I have brought with me... Yeah. Like, in the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king.

[00:35:31] And you know the way I bulk order it on Amazon? Sure, you've probably got 4,000 rolls. There wouldn't know what to make of me. I'd use it as a bartering system. You bulk buy on Amazon. That's always surprising. It's like how Michael buys his pants on Amazon. I can't get over it. I know we shouldn't be shopping on Amazon. I'm just doing my best to survive. Oh yeah, you just look... Yeah, the world's burning. Like, we're trying our best. What's the point? It's too hard. Well, the fact that you're saying this recumbent on a bed, it makes it seem like you're very unwell. It's such a dying will.

[00:36:01] Oh, it's too late for me guys. You go on without me. Try and live ethically in the death throes of capitalism, even though that's a fruitless and difficult endeavour. But try your best. It shouldn't be the individual responsibility. It should be on corporations. Oh, go back to the ASOS fables, dear God. Will, have you ever acted in any of the Greek great plays? Your Oedipuses? No, I haven't been. I think I must have studied them at some point, but I don't remember anything. I think you'd be a good Greek hero. Oh. Adjacent. Adjacent to who?

[00:36:30] Do you know who I think you'd be? I think you'd be... Heracles had a nephew who helped him kill the Lernean Hydra. Maybe you'd be that guy. Or do you know who you could be? This would be a step up. Could you be Daedalus? Oh, Daedalus Diggle? Well, definitely. Daedalus is Icarus' dad. Yeah, so he makes the wings for them. But there's not a good... The parenting in these Greek legends is not good, is what I'd say here. Daedalus also threw his nephew off the Acropolis because he thought he was a better invention than he was. 100%.

[00:36:58] But Daedalus built the labyrinth. Right, so that does sound quite complicated. I'm not sure I'd be up to that. No. I think I'd probably be able to use some wax wings my dad made, fly too close to the sun and then fall into the ocean and die. I'd be pretty good at that. Yeah, so you're Icarus actually. Okay. Yeah, emphasis on the ick. Michael, you could be a minotaur. I'll take that. Yeah. Interesting. I always thought it was minotaur. Is it minotaur? I don't know. I think I would have always said minotaur as well, but I feel minotaur might be right. Well, it's all Greek to me.

[00:37:29] It's all Greek to me, guys. It's all ancient Greek to me. Get him off this chest. It's like a Lewis Capaldi social media. It's all fucking Greek to me. Hey, it's Greek to me, pal. I don't know. It's Greek to me. It's all Greek to me. Why do you think that we talk so much about the ancient Greeks and Romans, but we don't talk as much about some of the other ancient civilizations? I can't tell you how little I talk about either. Only when I do an episode of this.

[00:37:58] Wasn't there a thing in the paper recently that on average, the modern man thinks about ancient Rome three times a day? You are the oldest man in the world. Oh my God. I read in a newspaper. What? That was on the internet like six years ago. Oh yeah. It wasn't in a newspaper. There's something in the newspaper. I read a report. It was very fascinating. I read in the Irish Times property section something about being very demure,

[00:38:28] very mindful. Apparently it's going to be a brat summer. Did you know? I, so the, the FT anyway, right? It has a very good opinion piece about hot girl summer. Yeah. Like that is a thing, but it's, it's yeah. Just, you know, Do you think you think about ancient Rome weekly, Michael? I think, I think so. I think so. Not daily, but weekly. Yeah, yeah, yeah, Yeah.

[00:38:57] Not as successful. The Romans, they left a lot of stuff. You can still go and see their buildings and it's all there. The Ottomans, the Ottomans, that's the family next door. Why'd they call them the Ottomans? Because they're oughta than me, the Ottomans than me. That's right folks. I'm here all week try to fish. what sort of quest or what sort of monsters do you have a favourite Greek Michael's so bored with the podcast that he's tuning his guitar

[00:39:26] Michael this is actually interesting for once I'm not talking about mint or the beach this is actual bad behaviour I'm not tuning my guitar it's fully in tune Hugh I really like the Hydra is that the one with all the heads I was going to say the Hydra too you cut the head off and it regrows a head to regrow possibly oh and the Cyclops when they trick it by saying nobody has hurt me which is actually really stupid who's there nobody's there Medusa the sirens the sirens the sirens are good

[00:39:55] that's pretty cool the clashing rocks that just move in and cross ships there was well there were lots of there were lots of monsters that were the offspring of I think Typhon and Echidna like they maybe Cerberus was one of them I think you know I mean he's a good one isn't he basically Fluffy from the first Harry Potter yeah that's cool yeah yeah they're great I love the way their names like Cerberus isn't that an actual company now oh all the Greek and all the Greek gods are names now right names of businesses

[00:40:25] yeah yeah yeah yeah I feel like Icarus would be a good software but no maybe you wouldn't pick that for your software brand would you Oracle that's a software company Oracle yeah Delphi is an adventure centre in Galway yeah so same maybe we should move to final judgments the ancient Greeks Hugh legitimate like 100% legitimate like I mean they've just got great stories you know I don't actually know that much about the society and life but the gods were great the myths were great endless stories

[00:40:55] they had sex with everything that moved including a lot of their own families but usually by accident they're like oh it was dark I didn't notice yeah so much like fate as well and just prophecies and yeah absolutely it's cooler they're cooler than the Romans for sure like the Roman myths are not as cool because they're gonna have baked versions yeah they're just stealing the Greek ones oh we won't call them Heracles we'll call them Hercules it's like you just move two letters around like what who are the equivalent

[00:41:24] the Roman equivalent of our Greek gods that we got earlier so Zeus is Zeus is Jupiter Hera is Juno Juno Demeter is Demeter Ceres I could do this all day baby Aphrodite is Venus yeah Athena is I don't know that one Athena is Minerva oh very good Minerva's cool that does sound cool who's the guy in the at the hearth he was really ugly

[00:41:54] oh Hephaestus and Vulcan yeah smashed it here Vulcan's a bit lazy isn't it it sounds like it's in Star Trek it is in Star Trek oh is it the Greeks are I feel they were better dressed as well I don't know yeah they're classier they're more class yeah they're classier more exquisite I think nice clothes nice food Will what about you Legitman like yeah I mean they're oily and naked and I could get bored with both of those things and I really like Hugh telling the stories I came to this just not really caring

[00:42:24] and I'm sort of similar now but I think it is better than the Roman Empire because it lacks the sort of Manosphere adjacent thing that Michael just learnt about in the newspaper where people think about the Roman Empire all the time I think if you think about ancient Greece all the time it's probably fine so yeah yeah yeah definitely it's a clean sweep that rarely happens guys oh yeah oh yeah I think we should do the ancient Egyptians next fun oh yeah but we'll have to do that in another season because it's the end

[00:42:53] of this one oh what a whirlwind it's been Hugh hey yeah you know a season of legitimate likes is like the ancient Greek era never as long as you thought it would be so how do we normally end the show do we do like the weather and the traffic now yeah go ahead why do they tell why do they tell people the traffic if you tell people there isn't going to be traffic over there all the traffic's going to go that way it's not helping anyone it's not helping me we don't have time for Michael's type 5 on traffic updates on the radio which is as relevant as his newspaper

[00:43:22] material from earlier thank you listener for listening to this podcast thank you for sharing it with a friend and thank you Anya and Michael for producing such as it was you're welcome anytime we'll see you all on season 8 9 whatever what's next both of them come back for both of them who cares what's next Hugh is your contract rolling over I'll be back for another season there's always another season go to our website I couldn't legitimate likes was taken so I just got the close I got leglicks.com so uh make sure you spell it correctly now because there's other stuff

[00:43:52] uh yeah and it cost a pretty penny guys as well so I'm sorry yeah you can revolute you can revolute me though you're like a Greek you're like one of the victims of one of the gods whims or something yeah and why did why did they do the weather I mean what am I gonna do about if it's raining goodbye everybody bye button up your britches out there folks it's blowing up a gale

[00:44:24] this podcast is part of Podomity the UK's podcast comedy network why not laugh at what else we've got visit podomity.com you