Bullseye!

[00:00:06] Hail Chaos! If you are new to our quest, go back to episode 7.1, Gladiators. Last time on Hail Chaos, while the gladiators were fighting John, son of Ander, myself, Louis, and Felicity were battling with this giant gelatinous Rubik's Cube.

[00:00:27] Each different coloured side was a different form of damage. How fiendish! Felicity then cast a Goblin Spell upon John, son of Ander's Beck, which caused a Goblin to erupt from it. During all this chaos, I had the smart idea to shrink the giant gelatinous Cube with a shrinking spell, and then Felicity used a Breach Spell to ensure that we had an exit.

[00:00:53] And Louis, well, Louis was doing stand-up. As if an invisible battering ram came out of nowhere, the door is smashed clean off its hinges. In fact, the stone of the arena around it crumbles. The stands above it get pushed up in the air. Orcs go fucking flying.

[00:01:22] And now there is panic, sheer panic in the arena. I look at Louis, and I'm like, she was only supposed to blow the bloody doors off! Okay, you're getting a point as well. Amazing. Now the place is in absolute pandemonium. Orcs are running around, Lord Bloodbucket is standing up, he is shouting orders. John, son of Ander's got Rhino in a fucking headlock.

[00:01:51] I don't know how, but he does. And the gladiators, except for Rhino, flee. They just hook it straight out the door. Even Vogue? Oh, Vogue's dead. Aww. I thought you were about to say, the wind blows her out. Vogue turns back into a woman and she's all charred. She's dead as fucking disco. But she's serving the hottest look. She's beautiful. Very good. Point ding!

[00:02:18] John Sanandar, who has like a bite mark on his bicep, he's being gored. He's clutching at wounds. He stands up, he goes... The winners! And the orcs very confusingly start clapping. You won. Oh, fantastic. The gladiators are left. You win. Oh! By default. Oh my god. Which isn't like a great win, but you still won. The gladiators are... Woo! Oh, I don't know this because I'm fighting the police at this point.

[00:02:46] Can I kind of get a suss on Blood Bucket? Yeah, okay. Go for it. Emerald, mind for me. Six. Six. Fantastic. You don't. You can see him. He's giving orders. The orcs are kind of falling in line and doing as he says. A lot of them produce weapons. Oh, I'm too tiny to tell. They start climbing down. Into the arena. Flesti has fled. Now you're in the tunnels inside the arena. I've gone for help. I haven't fled. I haven't fled. I'm like... Okay.

[00:03:16] Louis, let's follow her. Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. Y'all want to hear some political material? Don't you just hate it when a guy whose only attribute is just, he's bigger than you, just tells you to do shit? Like, don't you just hate it when there's loads of you and one of him and you could easily just rip him to shreds when you've got all the swords

[00:03:45] and he's just sat up there doing, drinking a Coke or whatever, whatever he does. Don't you just hate it when that happens? Now that's interesting. I'm not going to make it maybe because you are trying to convince them. Roll mastery. I'm really curious to see what happens now. Can I give him a sort of help action? Yes, you can. How are you helping? I'm just like, oh my God, this guy, he's hilarious. I also have silver tongue as well. Shit.

[00:04:16] Then you have advantage. Yeah, roll 3d6 and use the best too. It's a nine. Chaos. Chaos. Your words get through and there's a moment of silence falls over everyone. All the orcs turn and look at Bloodbucket. Oh my God. And you've met these orcs before. The four fancy orcs. His Pictorian guard standing around him.

[00:04:45] And there's a really big one. He's easily twice the height of all orcs. He is bollock naked except for a knight's helmet as a codpiece. Gross. And he looks at the others and he grabs Bloodbucket's head, just snaps his fucking neck. And then he goes, Big meat. The big orc now. Big meat want to eat gnome. Get him lads. Ah, shit. But remember how he said that he was like, the big people are dumb?

[00:05:17] One of the orcs kind of climbing down into me and goes, yeah, but he's a lot bigger than Bloodbucket was. Way bigger. Would you like to be bigger? I think I've said all I can, Zanich. No, no, no. I mean, I meant that particular orc. Would he like to be of bigger stature? Yeah. I am going to see if I can permanently change him to be a hulking goliath of an orc. Oh, wow. Yeah. Absa fucking Whitley, please.

[00:05:47] While Zanich is casting this spell, I'm running out the door. That's absolutely fair. Can I see you as well? Be like, oh, hello. Hello, my friend. Hello. How's it going? Yeah, good. Have you called the police? Yes, there's a few coming now. They were in a little horse and carriage. Owens are all about them. He ran out and shouted for the guards. They're on their way. Zanax. I rolled a nine. A nine. Chaos. Oh, God.

[00:06:16] This orc suddenly doubles in size. All his clothes burst off of him. He is massive. He's got to be about 15 foot tall now. Every orc in the place just freezes. And he walks over to Big Meat and picks him up and just bites the top half off of him. And he goes, Slick Wipe is the king now. Get the magic gnome. She is of use to me. No, I helped you. I helped you. It was fucking me.

[00:06:46] And I just start running. I'm running. I'm running. You guys run. You run out through the corridor. There's shouts of guards. Oh, yeah. There's a goblin as well that's following you now. Oh, yeah. There's a goblin following you guys. He's just really, he's really, he's like, Hey, you. Get back here. I'm going to stab you. You, you tall gnome. I got a knife. I'm going to cut you. I'm going to cut you up. Yeah, well, you're going to have to catch me first, you little shit. That's a good point.

[00:07:15] I got really, hey, little gnome, any chance of making me a real big goblin? Uh, no, because I'm kind of friends with the, with the other gnome, so. Ah, that sucks. Okay. I'm sorry for your loss. If you want to stab someone, why don't you turn around? There's lots of people to stab back at the arena. Yeah, but I was given my orders and that's just how a goblin is. You know, I have a purpose in life and it's to stab that gnome.

[00:07:38] But I am going to try with snake tongue to deceive him into, look, I know you were given your orders, but surely the bigger the thing you kill, the bigger the reward. And there's a really big orc back there. Okay, do it. Roll it. Let's see what happens. The mastery? Yeah. Okay, so that is a nine. Chaos. Okay. He stops and thinks, goes, hey, yeah, he's a really little guy.

[00:08:07] Comparatively, he's bigger than me. But back there was some big guys. And obviously a big dead guy is worth more than a little dead guy. That makes lots of sense. Okay. Thanks, magic gnome. Hey, before I go, what's my name? Uh, Bimblebrook. Bimblebrook? Bimblebrook. Bimblebrook. Like a bee, like bimbo, but bimblebrook. Can I be in the corner just be like, you better not be giving him a name over there. They don't, it's not good when they get a name.

[00:08:36] They start, they start figuring out the sense of identity. It's very bad for the establishment. Bimblebrook the goblin. I like that. Well, thanks, lady. I really appreciate it. Sorry for all the trouble, mister. And he goes and he shakes Louie's hand and he puts his finger out and Xanax shakes his finger and he goes, And, uh, elf, I don't know, you're part of the oppressor class. Anyway, I'll see you guys round. I'm gonna go and stab me in a walk. And he runs back into the arena.

[00:09:06] And you can hear all the roaring and stuff. I mean, this couldn't have gone more sideways if it was on, if it was on a fucking rail track. Felicity, roll maybe for me. Oh, yes. Okay. Ooh. Okay, I can roll that. Give me a sec. Uh, I get eight. Ooh, okay. Eleven. A fantastic success. Nice. There's a lot of tunnels. You're running. Um, it seems that there's actually maybe other arenas in here or there's other things happening.

[00:09:35] You run past every so often you can hear other crowds shouting. And this is maybe like some kind of multi-event arena. But you eventually run out into one which has a table. It's got, it's got like an archery target. Ah. Again, there's more orcs. They're sitting there. They've all got like pints. There's in fact a table with all these flagons full of ale on it. And then as you come in, you, fucking hell, I was really hoping we could do this. You hear a fanfare.

[00:10:05] And it goes, everybody, welcome to Bullseye with your host, Jim Pullman. And a balding man in like a red tabard with like a bow and a quiver comes on. He's getting these really thick rimmed glasses. All right, everyone. Welcome to Bullseye. Oh, we've had our contestants for this week. Bully! Bully! Come out here and see our contestants. And there's all this roaring.

[00:10:35] Three goblins come out pulling a rope. And a 12 foot tall minotaur comes out and it's pulling at the rope and it's roaring and it's shackled. In Jim, we're going to say, Bully, tell them the wonderful prizes that they could win tonight. In a pair of curtains part. And there's a conveyor belt that's like hand cranked by a gnome. And as they crank out, all these beautiful prizes move past.

[00:11:01] And the minotaur roars out the prize as they pass. So first off, there's... A boat. A matching set of gold pens. A caravan. A comprehensive set of encyclopedias. Very good. A timeless gold effect clock. I was going to say, if it's timeless, it's kind of useless. I would like that clock.

[00:11:29] I think it would be very nice if I had in my room actually. And the final one is... A caravan hitched to the back of a boat. So that's two caravans? That's right, my dear. And depending on how you do tonight, you could go home with all of it, or you could go home with none of it. Did I just see a caravan hitched to the back of a boat? Yeah, we only get the back end. Like, so you drive the boat with the caravan? No, no, no. It's just the back end of the boat.

[00:11:59] No, no. It's a full-ass boat with a full-ass caravan attached to it. Is a caravan some kind of mobile castle? Is this what the lower classes are doing these days? Because they should just go to the castle. It's a beautiful painted wooden caravan. You would have seen poor people move around in them. Between places. I don't see poor people. Imagine a carriage, but you live in it. I don't see wealth. I don't see wealth in any way. I don't see high elf. I'm progressive.

[00:12:30] I'm giving you a point for that. This is really colored elves in this game, by the way. Massively. I love it. You're obviously a high elf. Yes, of course. I would never be anything but lower. Naturally. And I'm just high. No, you're not. You lost all your drugs. You lost all your magic drugs. Yeah, you don't know what I'm pecking. Louis, are you thinking what I'm thinking?

[00:12:57] If you're thinking, what the hell are we going to do with a boat in the middle of a cavern? Then, yeah, I'm thinking what you're thinking. Oh, I was thinking road trip, but I guess. Yeah. I just thought it'd be fun. We win everything and we take on the caravans and we drive around and run away from all of this nonsense. Very romantic. It's very... Oh, no, it's not like that. He's too stupid. I knew there was something that... No, he's too dumb. I knew it.

[00:13:27] I saw it. So, the two lovebirds are competing to win a honeymoon caravan. Isn't that nice, Bully? She wishes. Dogs at its chains. The goblins are poking up with sticks. So, do we just, like, fire arrows at the... I think I've got this in the bag. Have you got bows and arrows? I mean, you have come on bullseye. I saw you do this.

[00:13:56] Deary me, I'll give you some bows. Gives each of you an arrow. I think I've got this in the bag, guys. You can, I won't say, you can use any ranged attack. Oh. My village, I saw this. And didn't you have expert archers? Yeah, we did. Budget cuts. That's why we don't tour anymore. We just perform in the Black Fortress. Okay, so there's no questions. No, no, not anymore.

[00:14:24] There's no general knowledge questions or anything like that. No riddles. No riddles. Good! The orc. Oh, sorry, Lou, you wanted a riddle? Oh, no, I didn't want a fucking riddle. Oh, a riddle! I tell you what, if you really want to do trivia question, I will let you. Oh. Okay, but we have to disclose at the beginning if it's an African or a European swallow. I've been tricked like this before. I'm not getting a point for that. Trivia questions.

[00:14:54] Haven't done this in a while. What is the name of the Crown Prince? Give me the answer and then roll mine to see if you're correct. Uh, wait. The Crown Prince currently? I genuinely thought you were going to ask, what is the name of like the Dark Lord guy that we're looking for? Because I cannot remember that. Oh, don't worry, I can. Uh, okay, Louie, if I killed Cosimo III,

[00:15:22] that means Cosimo IV is now king, so the Crown Prince should be Cosimo V. Okay. Um, Cosimo V? Roll mine and see if you're correct. I feel like he's correct. I mean, like... That's a seventh. Chaos. Just give me a minute, actually. Just give me a minute. Because I'm actually now not sure how you chaos a trivia question. Oh, I feel like that should just be heads or tails. You're correct.

[00:15:51] You're correct, but not in the way that you intended. Well, you're sort of right. It was a trick question in the first place. Cosimo V is a woman. She's the crown princess. Oh my God. Sorry, so... Well, it's not... They gave us such a masculine name. It's... Surely the feminine is Cosmina. Cosmina. You know. Well, you'd think that, but you'd be wrong. Half a point to the norm. Elf! What is your name, love? Hi there.

[00:16:21] Felicity Fishwick Jones. Lovely to meet you. Her parents are siblings. Yeah, well, no. Not quite. They are... There's a... Genetically siblings. But not realistically siblings. Okay. If you look at the DNA, technically they are siblings, but they did not. Their parents did not sleep with each other. They did not sleep with each other. It's a whole thing. So are you an adopted... I'm... I'm giving such a point for this, by the way. Thank you. Finally.

[00:16:52] I'm sub... I think I... I guess I'm... I think I'm like... Four... Like four percent no, maybe. And then like... Hey, we all come from the mines. We all come from the mines in some respects. What do you mean we all come from the mines? Well, it's just... It's just evolution over time. Didn't your family close down the mines? We did close down the mines because we thought it was... We thought we could move on from that, but we were sick. And they were smelly also, frankly. They had... They had all sorts of...

[00:17:19] We did not like how the mines looked. They spoiled the view of our lovely balcony. So we thought we could close them. And you stopped giving all the school children milk. Yes. I... Well, they have enough bones. You can have a beat for that. I know. I know. I know. That's fucking amazing. All right, love. That was...

[00:17:48] That was a bit more detail than most people usually go into for that bit. Your question is... What does DNA stand for? So... I... There's a part of me who wants to answer this correctly because I like to... I like the approval of others. But I will answer... I will answer it correctly. It is... Deoxyribonucleic acid. Roll mine to see if you're correct. Okay. Can I also be like clearly like peeking from a book as if I... As if I'm like...

[00:18:17] It's literally in your spell book, yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I'm like... Look, I'm pretending I don't. It's like slightly covered. Okay. I will roll... I was going to say... Instead of, you know, where you would... You know, you have your textbook and then you put the issue of Playboy in the middle. You have your textbook covered by an issue of Playboy. It doesn't matter if I'm just reading my Playboy. I'm looking at the naked women. Ooh. What? Just naked women. I love them. I love boobies. That's what I was saying.

[00:18:48] I scored a seven. Chaos. Oh, no. You fucked yourself, Alex. Fuck. I'm just reading porn. I'm just... It's a real Playboy. Fuck. Well, you're partially correct. That's it and hoity-toity normish, as all scientific terms are. We common people. For us, it means spunk. They are. Oh, I didn't realise DNA was spunk.

[00:19:17] It's spelled D-N-A-S-P-U-N-K. The DNA are silent letters. And you, very small gnome. Yes. I'd love to see you work for the Ministry of Love in 1984. Like, what is two plus two? Let's roll mind. All right, love. What is the name of this country?

[00:19:47] Oh, good question. Oh. Let's not be political about this. Okay, I know there's a whole... There's a movement to try and separate it. I don't believe in independence. I stare felicity dead in the eyes as much as I can, given that I'm five inches tall and she's seven foot. That seemed politically charged, but I don't know which way. It's all ours. It all belongs to us. It's ours. It's ours. Okay, so I look at the end.

[00:20:15] I go, the Independent Republic of Gnomia. Yeah. Yeah. That's nine. Chaos. I don't think we're allowed to. I think we might need to use memory modification on the audience. That's what the problems call it. Not the people who matter. Not the people who matter. Free and go up, Stein. Oh, I'm gonna be in so much trouble.

[00:20:44] Look, just take your bloody shot at the target before I get cancelled. Okay. I think it was a trick question because we're in the Black Fortress. I'm gonna give you a point for that. What, and that's just like a legally distinct body? What, it's like... Well, the Sovereign in here is Lord Ashart, so yes, it is a legally distinct thing. Gnomes, rise up! Seize the power!

[00:21:14] Seize the main production! The gnome that has been turning the crank on the conveyor belt goes, You tell him! There are no other gnomes in here. I'm like, fire that gnome! Fire that gnome! Fire that gnome! So I'm going to use the illusion spell. The illusion spell? Yes, so I'm readying up to shoot the arrow.

[00:21:39] But in sleight of hand, I create an illusion arrow that hits Bullseye directly. Oh, I like that a lot. I'm going to give you a point for that because that's real hard. I told you I had it in the bag, fuckers. You're dead! Okay, I mean, that's... No swearing on the broadcast. No swearing. That's a second rule that's broken and this is not allowed. My people will be free! Two days I've been a gnome. Two days!

[00:22:09] I like that you've taken to it so well. That will be a crushing level spell because it has to move. Oh, it has to move? Oh, okay. Yeah, arrows tend to do that. I thought this was like a, you know, cantrip level spell. No. That is a 13, sir. A 13. Okay, you get another point. That is phenomenal. It hits the centre of the Bullseye. The arrow that was actually knocked turns invisible.

[00:22:38] And I don't know if you secrete it up your sleeve or something. Probably not because it's about five times the size of you. When I was a human, I really could have done that. Everyone is like kind of taken aback by how you even drew the string. It was really impressive, frankly. I used my tongue. I'm like rounding the whole arrow with my body and I like tongue the string back. Okay, that's good enough for me. That's what everyone sees. Are you into women, if I shout?

[00:23:10] I mean, I'd normally say I'd climb you like a tree, but you're very upper class. I am, but hey, that's... Like a plant, I guess. Like a house plant. There are seven foot trees. Maybe you could fix me. Maybe you could fix me. Honestly, legitimately, the only difference between bushes and trees are literally the height. They are the exact same thing. Just FYI. I'm getting turned on with all these bush chats. Okay, Felicity, take your shot. Take your shot. Okay. Oh, I sweat my brow.

[00:23:41] I'm like, oh my God. It's a real moment. Learned some feelings there. Yeah. I would like to... Oh, okay. Interesting. You say any... Any projectile would work? Yeah, absolutely. You know what? Yeah, I want to see what this dagger does. Let's see it. Sure. I'll say, you know what? This is a... It's an antique dagger passed down by my family. I've heard it's very lucky. I wrestled it from the... It was an ornamental hanging from the top above the fireplace. But I think it's...

[00:24:11] Now is a better time than ever to have a good throw at it. You know what I'm saying? Okay. I just like to yeet it. But without... I don't have the yeet ability. But yeeting it is right at the target. I really like that. So I tell you what. Roll mastery for me first. And then roll magic. Okay. Mastery. My Rast mastery is... Oh! Eleven. Okay. That's a hit. That's a great hit, actually.

[00:24:41] Oh, thank you. Okay. And then my magic is... Oh, that's slow. Oh, but... Plus two. So... Five. Five. That is low. That is low. It is very low. Okay. You get three points because you hit the inner ring of the target. It's a few inches away from that illusory arrow that's bang center. It starts to glow brighter and brighter. This can only be a good thing, I say.

[00:25:08] All the audience in the audience start kind of shifting uncomfortably in their seats. Jim Bowman starts to sweat. Billy the Minotaur stops raging against his chains. And it starts making a throbbing noise. And a little plum of smoke comes out of the handle and it stops glowing.

[00:25:40] What the hell was that? I think it's... Give it a second. He's probably just shy. Probably just a bit shy. We all get this up time. I'm rather afraid you've broken your magic dagger. Oh. Well, that's gone. Oh, my father's going to be so upset. Shit. Shit. But you did a very good shot. Thank you. And now... Louis, take your shot. All right. So I grab an arrow. I walk up to the target. Stab it right in the middle.

[00:26:10] How high up is the target? Do you know what? Roll Mike. Ah. Roll Mike. We find out today if white gnomes can jump. Another point for Xanax. Do I get an advantage because I was in the Harlem Gnome Trotters? That's true. He is the Gnomey Bryant of all gnomes. Ah, do you know what? I am inclined to give you advantage because you're in the Harlem Gnome Trotters. He is the tallest gnome that anyone seems to have come across, which is why he's good at basketball.

[00:26:40] What did you get? That's a seven. Chaos. Okay. Amazing. It was better than the four I got before. I mean, okay. That is an improvement. Okay, so you go up and you stab it with all your might. You jump. You go to slam dunk it. But there's a reason that the Harlem Gnome Trotters never won. It's because gnomes just ain't tall enough to jump and do stuff. And you accidentally throw the arrow into Billy's arse.

[00:27:13] And Billy goes, Apeshit. And so the adventure continues. But that is a tale for another time. Our foolhardy Dungeoneers have been... I have been Jesse Syme playing Xanax Moonbeam. I have been Tom McGrath playing Louis Smallhouse. I have been Alex Franklin playing Felicity Fishwick-Jose.

[00:27:41] The dungeon was mastered by Alex Garrick-Wright. The master of orcs was Russell Arthur. What madness lies ahead? Only time may tell. Remember, travellers, to keep your republics of Gnomia free and your trivia quizzes entirely improvised. And, as always... Hail Chaos! Oh my god. Wow. Okay. For the young and foreign...

[00:28:11] Tom, don't let me down here, buddy. Bullseye was a popular Saturday night. It was prime time and it was a darts game show where people exclusively from the north of England came and played darts and won prizes. That is it. And this is a clever take on it, but it's archery. Like the cube. Yeah. You said clever. It's...

[00:28:40] It's... It's... This podcast is part of Podomity, the UK's podcast comedy network. Why not laugh at what else we've got? Visit Podomity.com.