Happy Birthday David Attenborough - The Ocean (Rewind)

[00:00:00] This show is nominated for a 2026 Golden Lobes Podcast Award. Get in! I feel like we're launching a rocket. We are. Which bit of us is gonna fall off? Oh me. And you're gonna burn up on re-entry. It's a bonus episode everybody. I'm Will, that's Ornia. Hi Ornia. Hello, hello. This is a treat. We're a lesser spotted pairing, even though we have seen so much of each other recently. Yeah, you came over to London. Remotely and in person. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[00:00:29] So exciting. We were hitting up the Golden Lobes. Yeah, where we won zero awards. But we had a great time. We had a great time. Do you want to walk the listeners through our journey through London? Okay, so on my journey through London, I spent the whole time thinking, oh, like, it's so, everyone does that. And I always say, isn't it great? London's only an hour away. Oh my God, it's fantastic. Sure, it's faster than going to Cork. It's not. It's not. It takes so long. You go get to the airport.

[00:00:59] And then I'm too scared to ever do the full like, I just need half an hour in the airport. So I always have like two hours in the airport. Yeah, yeah. Diligently waiting. What did you do in the airport? Did you bring some food or did you snack in the airport? No, I got a coffee in Butler's. Lovely. And then I got a overnight oat pot in Pret-a-Manger. And they cost. I mean, the boat pot cost. You know when money has no meaning? And you're like, that's not nine euro. You know? That's some oats.

[00:01:26] I know. And then I ate that at the gate, got on the flight. It was like a really packed flight. So it really does feel like you're on a bus. Arrive. Get the train in. And then they kept changing the platform for the train. So I had to really excitingly keep running up and down stairs. And then I only had a backpack. So it's so easy. Like I just think it's really key for London. You can't bring a wheelie bag. You can't. Like a little Benny Hill scene.

[00:01:49] Yeah. It really was. And Michael, our other host and producer, loves traveling on his own and thinks it's a real failing. Sorry. Host? Our other producer. For the first time listener, there are two hosts of this podcast. It's Will and Hugh. And there are two producers. And that's Anya and Michael. And they have been muscling into host territory. And that was a real. A real example of how things have changed since we first started.

[00:02:17] It really is. Well, our other producer, Michael, he loves traveling on his own and thinks it's a real moral failing that I don't like it. But the whole time I was just, well, I think you're like me, you know, with the same personality type as we discovered on the personality quiz episode. I was just like, I'd love to talk to somebody about this. I was just so bored. Like there's so much waiting with traveling. Do you know what I mean? There's so much waiting around, waiting for a train. Got on the train, got to London, went to my, no, I went to had a look in a TK Maxx, which is what I always do on any British high street.

[00:02:44] And then I, I was surrounded. I thought I'd definitely find a really cool cafe. I was like, I'll definitely get a lovely coffee. But I couldn't, every place I went into was just all wrong. And I told you, I went into one place and their toilet was broken. And a plumber whose trousers were quite far down was just bent over fixing it. And I had a coffee there and then was like, well, there's no reason for me to stay because the other reason I came in was to use a bathroom. So I'll just wander the streets until I can check into my travel.

[00:03:08] Oh no. Oh no. So did you go in specifically to use the bathroom, order the coffee, then find out the bum was there, but you couldn't use your bum in the bum room? And the, I hate this. They gave me a takeaway coffee, no lid to, to stay, you know, and you're like, what, what is this? And that cost, I don't know, like 570 or something, you know, everything was just like,

[00:03:29] I just repeatedly hemorrhaged money, like in such a lavish fashion. Like it was just, it's just crazy. And then I went to the travel lodge and then I met Will, which was very exciting because it felt like we were, we were both like, it was just meeting on a London street, you know? It was very exciting. Although I think you're missing out a picnic that you had on your bed. Oh, I had a weird picnic. I was like, well, I better get something to eat because I don't know when, you know what,

[00:03:58] the situation is going to be later. So I went to the Marks and Spencer's food hall. You kept getting asked by people in the queue to go into the Golden Lobes awards. Will there be food? And you were like, no, it said it on the thing. There will not be food. Everyone kept asking you. They were like, she knows. She had sushi on her bed earlier. She'll know. Yeah. I was like the Lobes, the invite could not have been clearer. There will be no food at this event. Please make sure you eat before this event. So I diligently did that. And I had some cucumber maki sushi.

[00:04:25] And I had a thing of kiwi and something else. Something strange. Sitting on your bed in the travel lodge. The glamorous life of a podcaster. The room was so small as well. Like it was just so small. And then I was like, I don't want to leave this stuff in the bin. So I moved the bin into the bathroom. This is not interesting. I moved the bin into the bathroom. That is interesting. You moved the bin into the bathroom. That's an interesting quirk.

[00:04:50] Yeah. And then I was like, oh, should I move it back when I leave? And I forgot. So I'm so sorry to the cleaner at the travel lodge. But like you don't want the leavings of your like kiwi rotting in the bin overnight. Do you? No, but I think if anywhere for a kiwi to rot, the bin would be a good spot for it. Well, that's true. That's true. Also, the Marks and Spencers food cost me, again, I don't mean to keep going on about this. It was like, you know when you're just like, wait, what?

[00:05:18] What? Like that kiwi was like seven pounds or something? It was just like crazy. Like, yeah, I don't know how you guys do it. As if Dublin's any cheaper. But yeah. Yeah, I'd say what we don't tend to go to terrible coffee shops where there's no toilet. And we also don't tend to do our daily food shop at Marks and Spencer would be the two ways that we avoid that sort of cost. Yeah, that's true. And then I met Will. We met in a little Italian deli.

[00:05:45] Yeah, we were going to meet in a pub, a pub with the world's longest bar or Europe's longest bar or England's longest bar. Britain's longest bar. I'm always trying to make it about the whole world and it just got smaller and smaller there. It's this pub's longest bar. South London's longest bar. It was a really long bar. We saw it later in the night, which we can come back to. We did, yeah. Yeah. Ornia had a cold slice of lasagna and I ate most of it. We shared it three ways. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, my producer Hugh from the... Would have had a different few of us. Yeah.

[00:06:14] Hugh, who's my producer of my other show, which also was nominated for an award and also didn't win. Can I just say fabulous name, Hugh Smiley. Hugh Smiley. Is that his real name? That's his real name, yeah. That's a fantastic name for a comedy podcaster. Yeah. Host. Producer. Producer. See, you're still thinking the producer's the host. This is terrible. But yeah, and I think I'm probably the biggest loser of the Golden Lobes because I was technically up for five awards and all of them we didn't get.

[00:06:43] So I think the variable is probably me. Yeah, and we got there. It was very glitzy. It was very glamorous. Will and I, I think I have what I would call a sociopathic belief in myself. I was like, we're going to win all these. How am I going to fit these in the suitcase home? Oh yeah. I set up a camera and every time our award category came on, I pressed record and looked at you and went, here we go. That will haunt my dreams. Will, setting it up and then having to swivel it back down.

[00:07:12] And obviously we were at a table with other people who must have seen this happen. And also Will and I did a lot of practicing what our little, what our fun shtick would be when we got up on stage. And I was like, oh my God, how am I going to keep track of each of these little monologues for each of these awards? Did not need any of them this year. And then I was also kind of relieved that we didn't need them because then we would have had to go up and say something. And we were watching what other people were saying. And I was like, I feel a lot of pressure now. This has got to be really good. And then I was also like, which way are we going to get up to the stage, Will?

[00:07:41] We're really quite far back. Like, yeah, God, there was a lot. It was actually a relief not to win in many ways. It was. It was. Do you know what was great though? We won last year and they can't take that away from us. They cannot. They crucially cannot take that away from us. We still are winners 2025. Also, we met lots of nice people. You were networking. You were on fire. You were like, like pew, pew, pew firing on all cylinders. Well, we met a lot of great people.

[00:08:07] We were sitting beside Alice from Fetch the Smelling Salts and Austin After Dark, which people should check out. We were also at the table at Lateral, which is a very high concept quiz show. They were very cool. We met your friend Alex from Ramon Fierce Terror Tapes. And out of character. Out of character. I'm definitely missing loads. Oh, our great friends at Thoughts TV. We had a great old time with them, which continued at Britain's longest bar afterwards. Oh, and then I hugged a man. Do you remember when I hugged that man? I remember I hugged a man.

[00:08:38] And I came over and I assumed I must already know him for some reason. And I just hugged him and we'd never met. And you were like, what? Was this the guy that I had hugged because we were so excited to meet another Irish person? No, no. Oh, that was another awkward moment. I've wiped that from my brain. Was this the nice man from Keeping the Zoo? I've no idea. Yeah, I hugged him inappropriately. And then the rest of the conversation is just white panic, you know? Oh, yeah.

[00:09:08] Well, see, you seem to know everybody. I was very impressed that you were the toast of the town. The toast of London town. My God, people were like, well. Well, that's so good. I was like, oh, my God, these people all know each other. Also, I did at points realize everybody seemed really young. And then I was really relieved to meet a couple of older people. And a few people very kindly did that thing. You know, people are like, oh, you're not 38. And you're like, you don't have to say that. That is like, you know, when people pretend to ID an elderly woman in a bar, you know, to kind of flirt with her. I was like, you don't, we don't need to do this. But thank you.

[00:09:38] You should have brought your Zimmer frame, really. That was the good one. No, yeah, yeah. But it was great. And then we, after the awards, we rolled down to Britain's Longest Bar. Yeah, we did. Which was great. And then I wanted to leave and do an actual Irish goodbye. And you would not let me. Oh, yeah. We had to say goodbye to people. I did more Irish goodbye than you wanted to. Yeah. Yeah. I was like, no, we'll just leave. Because my other thing is, I think sometimes the Irish goodbye, it only destabilizes the party for the people staying.

[00:10:07] They don't want to know that people are leaving. You're only, you know what I mean? You want to keep the vibes up. You want to slither out. Yeah, but I want to have made an impact. I don't care what people think of me as long as they're thinking of me. So if I ruin the vibe by saying goodbye and interrupting conversations, that's fine by me. That's a win. That's a win. That's a big win. Yeah. I was quite drunk. Which we did not have on the night. We did not have a big win, were you? Yeah. I was zebra striping, as you pointed out. Yeah. That was very good. One alcohol, one non-alcohol. Yeah.

[00:10:36] It was very impressive. But one of my many friends and colleagues at the start of the show just bought two buckets full of beer and was like, there's no interval. And I thought he meant in the show, but apparently he meant in the drinking. It was a lot of beer. Yeah. Yeah. But it was, you seemed, you seemed in great spirits, great fettle. I was a bit worried about you making your way home across London. Remember you walked me to my travel house and I was like, should I walk you to your train? And then we would have just been stuck in a loop of seeing each other off. Just constantly walking one another back.

[00:11:06] Seeing each other off. My wife and I were talking about this when I went to Belfast recently with my mum and my mum was staying there an extra day to go and do some sightseeing stuff. Yeah. And I was leaving my mum to say goodbye and I was like, oh God, is she going to be okay? Will you be okay? She's in her 60s. She's obviously, she's lived a life. She knows what she's doing. She's fine. But I do this as well. I have such confidence in my own ability to keep myself safe, but I get very worried that other people won't understand. Like, do they understand that you have to be really careful when you take a train and that

[00:11:35] you have to like, whereas I never get worried about, I'm like, of course I'll know not to do something stupid. Yeah, yeah. You know? But I have a very powerful homing signal, like a pigeon. So, you know what I mean? But I, yeah, but I, for some reason I don't believe, I was like, we'll never find his way home in London. It's massive. He won't know where his house is. He's only lived there since 2013. I thought you were going to say, he's only little. He won't know. He's only little. Oh, he's just a little boy. Yeah. And you had a big backpack as well. Like you were really like heading off into the.

[00:12:02] Oh, backpack full of cameras and empty space for golden lobes. And our business cards, which are so fun. Oh yeah. I've still got them. That's fun. Yeah. I've been giving them to people since I got home. Have you? Oh yeah, from the tube. That was clever. Yeah. Yeah. Just got them around. Yeah. And they're fun. I want to get a phone case with the QR code on it. So then I can just be like, hey, you want to? Yeah. Really committing to the cause. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You've got two podcasts, of course.

[00:12:32] So that'd be more awkward. Two phones, I guess. It's like picking between two children. Yeah. Which one do you prefer? So this episode today that we're going to re-listen to is a bonus episode. We're jumping back into the archives because it's the week of David Attenborough's birthday. Oh yeah. Sorry. 100 years old that man is. What a great guy. And so this is in. And it is related to David Attenborough in that it's about the ocean.

[00:13:02] Do you want me to say something? Ideally, that's sort of how conversation works. Oh, sorry. I thought you were in full flow. I was like, I'll just let him finish this monologue. I thought the syntax was like, about the ocean. And then on your own. Yeah. I love that bit where we talk about the sea and it's great. And then I'd go, yeah, my squid impression is the best part of the episode. You go, oh God. Jesus. I forgot about that. This is a great episode and a very informative one. We learned a lot on this one. I can't remember. Ironically, I can't remember. But Michael has a great fact about.

[00:13:32] Nemo Point. Nemo Point. Yeah. Yeah. So, which is real nightmare fodder. So enjoy that. But it's good stuff. And what better way to celebrate the greatest living human than with this small tribute? Should I introduce it as the squid? Oh, yes. Here we go. I can't actually remember how he sounded. But there's an impression of a squid in the episode. Here is him. I'm re-looking. The squid was in last week's. The squid was in the animal kingdom.

[00:14:02] Oh, what an idiot. Oh, no. But, I mean, if you listen to last week's, there's... Hey, guys. Do you remember last week's episode where I did that amazing squid impression? He's back. Go back and find it. He's back. Well, the ocean, we talk about the horrifying reality of the depths of the ocean. Ornia gets quite spooked. And we bring different scary animals from the ocean together. Enjoy. Enjoy. Love you. See you next week for some more.

[00:14:43] Will does have a lot in fairness. But, I mean, we all know the best are Billy Connolly, Donald Trump and Michael. You know? The Michael impression is... Michael impression is great. It's a funny thing. Having a producer. It's very strange. It's very weird. Yeah, it's awfully strange, actually. Oh, that's amazing. You know, I got a real... And I appreciate that I hold this accent.

[00:15:10] But I was in the shops in Dunn's last week. Okay? And Ornia, Michael, Will, you can probably... Like, what do you think is going to make my day? It was a day when I was not feeling well. But I was doing the shop. Half-price bread. Half-price bread. I make my own bread, Michael. I don't buy bread. Half-price flour. Half-price flour would be, but you never get flour on a deal. Oh, clearance seasonal chocolate. Okay, that's absolutely true. And that just didn't happen in this case. But think more.

[00:15:39] What am I going to eat a large quantity of before going to bed and possibly in the morning? Ooh, dicks. Yogurt. Vats. They're selling dicks at Dunn's. Whoa. Big floppy dicks at Dunn's. That's amazing. Three for five euro. Three for five euro on Glenillan Farm. 500 grams. Fanny's? Yo. Jesus Christ, Will. So, I bought them.

[00:16:05] But I bought them in the quantity where I didn't have a bag big enough for them. Ah, so we're back to Fanny's. And you know how they come in like the plastic. Are they the glass ones? No, they're not. They're the big ones. They're the big ones, aren't you? But they come in this plastic. I bet they do. I love, I love, I keep hearing Hugh reset to be like, I'll get back to the unfunny take

[00:16:33] so that I'll be able to cut around this. And the funnier it becomes. There's a tray of six. In a plastic tray. And I piled three of these on top of each other, right? And I then carried them in my arms. Okay? Yeah. But anyway, I walked through the shop and very just high on life, heading towards the self-checkout. Yeah. And then these two guys walked by me. I'd say they were, I'd say they were sort of mid-twenties, mid to late twenties.

[00:17:02] Probably, you know, haven't had their protein shake and, you know, because there aren't any good at rugby themselves, going home to watch a rugby match. And then one of them, as I walked by them, I didn't even look at them, but one of them, as he walked by, he just goes, so do you like yogurts, my guy? And do you know what? Like, obviously, it's a poor but an easy joke that we would all make, you know? Mm-hmm. But the adding, my guy.

[00:17:33] I love it. I love it. He's got your number, though, as well. He's absolutely made you. Did you say something like, no cap, no homo? What does that mean? I don't know. That's all the same stuff, isn't it? I don't want you to understand what the use of no cap is. Well, maybe you do. No cap means I'm not lying. Is no homo like having some sort of sexual interaction? You should have said, I like yogurts, no cap. And then you'd be like, do you want some? No homo. I think that would be the correct usage. Yeah, yeah. So, no homo is, it's not gay, because we're just two lads. Yeah. It's just not gay. It's not gay.

[00:18:02] It's just like, no shirt, no shoes, is it? No. No blacks, no Jews, no Irish? It's not a sign. It's not like, no Irish, no dogs. Yeah, in Duns, they've got all these no cap, no homo signs, because you're not allowed to be gay or wear hats in Duns. God, I can't even imagine being cool enough to say my guy. Oh. Well, I mean, clearly you don't have to, you just have to have a blinding sense of self-confidence because that guy. Shnuggy, he's my guy. What did you say? I didn't respond. I didn't look at him. I just walked on by.

[00:18:32] I was like, I'm not engaging. That's so much worse, Hugh. You should have been like. I'm not stooping to his level on you, you know? Yeah, nothing you can say to that guy. Because also, what would the response be? Like, yes or no? Go f***ing die in a hole, you stupid c*** is probably the best. Yes, you want one? No homo. Okay, no, that would have been a good response. Actually, to be fair, if I'd said that, I'd say he would have. Who knows what he would have done? Or usually something like, gotta get them gains. Mm-hmm. Mm. No homo.

[00:19:00] Why do I have to be so no homo on this? Those guys say it about everything because they're worried everything is gay. Why can't I be pro-homo on this? You would have said pro-homo. Do you want some pro-homo? Yeah, probiotic and pro-homo. I do an awful lot of my work pro-homo. I would have said something like, yeah, I'm very cultured. Oh, that's good. And they wouldn't have known what they would have been. My guy's so weird. Why do you talk about culture?

[00:19:30] And then in 20 years, they're like, oh my God, that guy's a f***ing legend. And then there'd be a WhatsApp voice note. Be like, here, me and Gary, we're in Dunn's. And this lad walked past us. And Gary said, hey, you like yogurt, my guy? Like, it was amazing. On it, you've had a pretty big week as well, haven't you? Yeah. So I went, I did something that I talked about wanting to do back on the camping episode. Then, Michael, you probably disagree that it's camping, but I went to spend a night in a camper van.

[00:20:00] Does that count as camping? It does. I'm going to give it to you, Onya. I'm going to give it to you. Please don't. Uh-oh. No homo. Yeah. No homo. Sorry. I assume, though, if you were in a camper van, you went out into the wilderness. I mean, if you've got a vehicle that's made for camping. I went to a campsite. I went to. And how far away was the campsite from your house? 45 minutes. That's disappointing. Oh, I'm sorry. I know it's no N-Scarry. So what, were you in Central Dublin? Yeah. In Phoenix Park.

[00:20:30] I went further out into Ireland's ancient east. Wow. We got there. We set up. It was, it was like, who do you think is camping in late September in a non-touristy part of the country? Not good people. No, not good people. We just didn't really see anybody. Like we'd kind of hear, like there was a lot of like tents and like people set up and we wouldn't really, we wouldn't really see anyone. But then I, by night, would lay in my bed at the top of the camper van and I would relay

[00:20:57] all the things I could see to Ashley, which obviously I'm sure was an absolute delight. Like I'd wake her up to be like the kind of ex-wisps back. So you were, you were like a British army man at the top of the laundry truck, basically. Exactly. So I, it was, you know, one of those, like the roof like pops up and you sleep in kind of a sleeve at the top. Yeah. So I was up there. But then I did find by night, I had to use my Kindle as a nightlight because it got so

[00:21:23] claustrophobic that I spent 10 minutes actually in extreme panic that I was just sort of sealed in a, in a dark box. But once I, once I had a little bit of light, it was fine. We kind of didn't really know what to do. So we played, Ashley taught me how to play Gin Rummy. Oh yeah. Played two rounds of that. Yeah. And then we were like, what will we do? Let's just go to bed. So we got into bed at like 9pm. Yeah. I got up at half five, had to walk to the bathroom on my own, which was absolutely terrifying. Harrowing. Yeah. Cause there was lots of kind of, I'd see a shadowy people kind of emerging.

[00:21:53] I didn't really know what the etiquette was. Were there established bathrooms or was it trench warfare? No, it was a, it was a, it was a, like a shower block, which is a phrase that should send a shiver down your spine. It's almost worse really, isn't it? A shower block. Yeah. And there was a kitchen and we went in the morning, I had a cafe chair. We were trying to make coffee cause our little stove wasn't working. And we knew there was like kind of like a kit, kind of a very basic kitchen, but there was no kettle or anything. And we didn't have any change for the electricity.

[00:22:22] And this helpful man was like, you can have my water if you want, but it's a bit eggy. But he was going to give us, he had been poaching eggs, but he was going to give us his, his surplus water to allow us to make coffee. But we, uh. No, I would not take that man's water. No. No. Would you like some eggy water, my guy? No, no. Oh, we were very obsessed with the idea as well that if anyone did anything weird to us that we could just instantly drive away, which is actually an amazing feeling. It was like, if we're in bed and I kept in like, if we see a creepy guy, we just drive. We just drive.

[00:22:52] Like we took in the awning and everything. So that's actually quite, that's quite a perk to camping, I think, in a camper van. Beautiful. Will you be doing it again? I would 100% do it again. It was, I would, we would go for, this was a test drive, Michael, cause there's no point going to the Aran Islands or something when you've never slept in a, in a van before. Can your friend's parents' van fit all four of us in it? And, and your friend. It's a four, it's a, it sleeps four. But I was in a thing that's meant to sleep too. And I was like, I think you'd have to, you'd have to be very committed to sleeping.

[00:23:21] Like there'd be no room for wriggling around. Okay. Noted. No point is all going then. Okay. Nevermind. So yeah, that's my, that's my story. I'll, I'll take any questions that the class might have. Delightful. Guys, should we get down to? Should we, should we dive in? Oi, oi. This week we're talking about, I think what is the only thing creepier, possibly creepier than space. And we're going to take the podcast to hidden depths to discuss the ocean. 80% of the ocean remains undiscovered.

[00:23:47] And who better than us four intrepid aquanauts to see if we can discover another percentage with a legitimate like special on the ocean. Well, it's not a special, it's just an episode on the ocean. Michael, I believe you have first question of our patented three question quiz. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely. So you've already thrown a lot of percentages that it's there. So 80% undiscovered. But my first question is, what percentage of all the water in the earth is in the ocean? Oh, I know the answer to this. Is it 70%?

[00:24:16] Oh, it's way more. It must be way more. No and no. I'm going to say, because it's not just, you can't just look at the map and see the surface area. It's the depth as well, presumably. I'm going to say 97. There's 1.3 billion cubic litres of gallons, is there? Michael's losing his tiny little mind over there. It's 97%, isn't it? Hugh's only gone and nailed it on the head. 97% Hugh. Well done. Well done. But are they definitely counting all the bottles and stuff? Like I've got a bottle over there.

[00:24:46] They counted that. That's a good point. It's not just the Caspian Sea. It's all those volvic bottles. Oh, Will, I have so many bottles to return tomorrow, by the way, when I go to the shops. Oh, that's great stuff. So 97% is in the ocean. There's 3% left. Do you like bottles, my guy? 3% left. Most of that, about 70% of the 3% is locked in ice and glaciers. Okay? Or is underground.

[00:25:15] So about like over 90% of the rest of the water is underground. So 90% of the 3% is underground. And the rest... 90% of the 3%. And the rest is in water and lakes and... Or sorry, in lakes and rivers. It's a tiny fraction of all the water in the world. It's wild. It's wild. That's crazy. The oceans are huge. Now, why is there so much salt in them, Michael? That's a good question. It's the deposits from...

[00:25:44] Isn't it the deposits from fresh water? I think. But when are people going to withdraw that? If it's deposits. That's good stuff, isn't it? Yes. It's okay. On your question too. Our second question. Can you name any seven of Danny Ocean's... Ocean's 11? Oh, that's good stuff. Danny Ocean. Isn't he one of them? Yeah. Rusty. Okay. You got Ruben. Ruben. Linus. Caldwell. Yeah. We're at the seven.

[00:26:14] You're doing very well. So Tess, I think, was one of the 11, right? Was she? Maybe not. No, she's not in the 11 now. Okay. No homo, Michael. Come on. Is anyone going to have a go at the Chinese guy's name? It's the amazing... The amazing... Yen? Yen? Yes! Yes! Yeah. Holy shit. Sorry, you got Linus Caldwell. Do we have him? You said that. That's Matt Damon. How are you doing this? I guess you guys have seen Ocean's 11 recently. You should listen to the episode on it. Now, come on. Think about it. You got Bernie Mac. Who else have we got? Bernie Mac.

[00:26:44] But who does Bernie Mac play? Oh. I don't think you'll get that one. The tech nerd. Saul. Yes. Yeah. Okay. We have seven. Do you want to hear the full... There's the tech nerd guy. So there's the twins and the tacky guy. Yeah. Okay. What's the tacky guy called? He'll be like digits or punches or like clicks. Keyboard. Bernie Mac plays Frank Caton. Okay. Caton.

[00:27:13] I don't remember the name being in it. Virgil and Turk Molloy were the twins. And then Livingston Dell was the electronics and surveillance. His name was Dell. Livingston Dell. Yeah. My name's Kensington Hewlett Packard. That's so silly. I mean, Will, that sounds like a friend of yours who you get on the podcast. That's true. That is fair. Question three.

[00:27:38] I'm going to give you three musical acts with their names broadly related to what we're talking about. God, you don't have to hate your own question that much. I forgot to actually write the question down. So first one. You just have the answers. I just have the answers. Yeah. So a Trinidadian born British singer and songwriter with hits including When the Going Gets Tough and Love Really Hurts Without You. Oh, who was that? Is that Luther Vandross? No.

[00:28:09] Oh, something to do with the ocean. Remember the sea. Good songs though, right? Love really hurts without you. Billy Ocean. That's not. Billy Ocean. No relation to Danny Ocean. This other singer had a major hit in 1994 with a song including the lyrics, There is so much a man can tell you, so much he can say. You remain my power, my pleasure, my pain. Seal. Seal. Yes. Baby.

[00:28:37] Who was once married to? Heidi Klum. Yeah, there you go. And the final one, so this is a rock band out of Birmingham, England with hits such as the Riverboat Song and The Day We Caught the Train. Is that ocean coloured scene? It is. Ocean coloured scene. They've kind of dropped off the face of the earth, haven't they? Did they do something to warrant that or just passage of time? That's like saying though, like you don't hear much of Savage Garden anymore. I mean, of course you don't. It's like 30 years have passed. Yeah, but I never know if it's because they did something awful, you know? Yeah.

[00:29:07] You've said this before that you're very uncomfortable mentioning any 90s celebrity. Yeah, yeah. Did you get badly stung by Prince Hunter or something at some point? Did you invite him to a party and not understand why everybody was like, oh? Yeah, I was at Pizza Express in Woking one night. So, yeah, that's the quiz. So we know the answers to those questions, but that doesn't really mean we know anything about the ocean. Anya, let's start with the point you made. Is the ocean scarier than space? There's something terrifying about it, right?

[00:29:36] The vast expanse. And the weight of the water. Yeah. Like you could drop Everest into some of the ocean's trenches and it wouldn't come out of the water. You'd never see it again. Yeah, you'd lose it down the back of the couch basically. God, can you imagine if you got Everest up and then you lost it in the ocean? That'd be so annoying, wouldn't it? I just had it. Just fumbled it into the ocean. Oh, sorry guys.

[00:30:04] No, I think it's the fact that the light as you go, like even like very quickly under the surface. The light doesn't last that far. Yeah, it's like 400 metres or something, is it? Like that's nothing. Yeah. Well, it depends if it's still plugged in, I think. No, it's creepy. You shouldn't put electrics into the water though. Yeah, if someone just dropped a toaster in Australia, would it electrocute us here? Yeah, that's the big question to be asking. That is a big question, Will. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. So yeah, toaster in the bathtub would kill you, right? Yes.

[00:30:31] But toaster in a swimming pool, would that kill you? Oh, I think so. Surely we'd electrify all the water. Okay. Toaster in a big lake. How big? Yeah, it's got to be some kind of ratio. What's the cutoff point? Some kind of wattage or ampage that's not getting you. Do you ever wish that this was more like the Hardy books or Jackass something and we'd go and road test these things? Yeah. Yeah. So who would be in the pool and who'd be throwing the toaster? I'd be in the pool, obviously. Yeah, we'd love to be in the pool. There's no question about that.

[00:31:01] I don't think you'd be there, Michael. I think you'd be back at, you'd have bought the toaster, maybe. Yeah. Yeah, online, shipped it to you. Yeah. Yeah. Anya, I think you're the one who's going to have to do the PR after Will dies. Yeah. Yeah. I'd be too scared. And I'm the getaway driver. Okay, what's the biggest, what's the smallest body of water you're willing to let someone throw a toaster into while you're in it? A swimming pool, yeah. Do you think so? I think that might be a bad idea, Will. Will. Do you think so? Yes.

[00:31:32] Why? Will someone be able to tell me this in the internet? Terail, this is the most important conversation we've had on the podcast. What happens if you throw a toaster in a pool? Oh, someone's asked it on Reddit. Of course they have. To be killed by throwing in, and actually most of the current will pass from the point. Is that right? If your body is in between the points where the current is, oh, I didn't ask for a science lesson.

[00:32:02] You kind of did, though. No, I mean. Toaster lands in your lap, you may be in trouble. Toaster lands in water as you are touching grounded piping. No homo, you may be in trouble. Toaster lands in pool, not near you, you probably will not notice. And then there's quite a philosophical line at the end. It is all about the path the electricity takes. Okay. Yeah. So what I was imagining, toast in the deep end, Will's in the shallow end.

[00:32:32] I think I'm surviving that. I'm walking away fresh as a daisy, clean as a whistle. So I was. Sounds like you are. The stupidest one on the podcast was right. I don't think I'd scale it down to a bathtub, though. You know? Do you know what it's saying here, though, is a bathtub is kind of iffy. Chances are you wouldn't be killed. I'm sure modern toasters don't do that anymore. I'm sure that was like... Oh, well, between you and me, my drip tray that catches all the crumbs. That guy is so full of crumbs that they probably would just soak up and make a whole loaf in the bath before anything happened.

[00:33:02] Legitimate top tip, though. Don't put a toaster in the bath. What a horrible loaf that would be, though, Will. I'd be baked into it as well. You have to cut me out really gently. No homo. So I think you're probably either the type of person... If you imagine yourself being in a small boat in the middle of the ocean, is that inspirational or terrifying? Terrifying! Michael, you're the only person... Do you find that you probably... That's a... I think I'd like to try it. Like, to be... In the middle of a vast, expansive sea. Oh, yeah.

[00:33:32] That'd be wonderful. Why? Well... Something about being... I don't know. Being out there in the world. Just me in the world. You know? Crucially, none of the people who populate it. Yeah, that's true. You feel like that about everything. Yeah, that's true. That's true. You said you wanted to be a big, lonely albatross on this before it was wandering the earth. That's true. Yeah. And it's not a good idea to be an albatross on a boat. No. What would you do on the boat? Would there be a...

[00:34:01] As there always is, a... A box of nurse. Yeah. No. A healthcare assistant of some sort. Michael wouldn't have a healthcare assistant on board, but only because it's bad luck to have a woman aboard. That's the only reason he wouldn't. So, it's a box of man, no homo. Yeah, exactly. Would you want anyone there? No, I'd like to try it just by myself. Just for a day or two. I think I'd... Would you not be afraid of, like, pirates? Pirates in this day and age? No, I don't think so.

[00:34:31] Like, as in, like, Somalian pirates? Well, I'm nowhere near Somalia. I mean, if I'm off the coast of Greenland, I'm probably fine, I think. Right? You know? You've definitely vastly overestimate your abilities. My survivability. On some level, truly believe that you can survive that. Yeah, I do. 100%. I think you're very resilient, but I don't think you'd know how to do anything when it came to, like, purifying the water and stuff. Ah, no. But, yeah, I think you're resilient in some ways, Michael, but I think the sun would get... The sun would get you. There's no shade out in the sea. Sweet tan.

[00:35:01] Yeah, maybe. I'd... No, I'd be fine. Sweet tan. Is that another name of the buxom boy who's coming with you? I'd make a crude desalination kit out of some coconut husks. And I... Listener, I know Michael hasn't seen The Office, but I would refer everybody to the episode of The Office where Michael Scott goes out to the wilderness and uses his pants to make a hat. Because, Michael, I have never seen... Like, Hugh... Michael's done that. Well, he did it with a plastic bag. Isn't that episode just Michael? Oh, 100%.

[00:35:30] It is... Like, it's not a joke. It's not like, oh, God, that's like something Michael would do. No, that stuff... The less exaggerated version of stuff Michael's done. Yeah. And then he has to turn his hat back into his trousers. Yeah. Also so tasteless in an era of people... people traversing oceans on boats, you know, as refugees that you'd like to do for a laugh. No. Yeah. It's very offensive to my Stop the Boats campaign. I could go on a boat if I want, guys. Here. Here's a question.

[00:35:59] What is Point Nemo? Oh. Oh. Oh, is it the point at which the light stops or something under the ocean? No. Nor is it a... No, Ornia. It's got to be an acronym. By the beach. Oh, it's an acronym. You must be able to... You must be able to... No, it's not an acronym. It's not an acronym. No, Michael, it's definitely an acronym and Ornia's going to get it. Never eat... Minuscule... It's a good... Octopi. Oppals. It's not like a thing. No, Point Nemo is the place in the ocean that is furthest from land.

[00:36:29] It's where you want to be. Yeah, so where do you think it is roughly in the world? Furthest point from land. Hugh, this has got you written all over it. This is right up my alley. Yeah. Triangulating. Hugh Bot triangulating. It's got to be... Is it Pacific? Correct. Ocean identified. Hugh Bot triangulating. Is it somewhere between the French Polynesia and Hawaii? Somewhere there. It's a big part of the world. I mean, you're not...

[00:36:59] You're not... She's right though, isn't she? You're not that far off. So it is... Yeah. It's between New Zealand and Chile is where it is, basically. So if you think of that part of the world, right? So you might say near French Polynesia and Hawaii. It's extremely far from Hawaii, but... I suppose the point is it's not near anywhere. That's the point. The area is so... You've kind of absolutely screwed us there. Because no matter what... Yeah, it's going to be very far away from everyone. Actually, it's quite far away from that, mate. So...

[00:37:28] Couldn't be further from that, you idiots. Point Nemo, this is cool, right? It's so remote that there's no regular marine or air traffic route within about 400 kilometers of it because it's not even between anywhere, right? Holy mackerel. So sometimes the closest human beings to Point Nemo are astronauts aboard the International Space Station when it passes overhead. Isn't that wild? Whoa. Would you rather be on board the International Space Station or at Point Nemo?

[00:37:57] That's such a good question, isn't it? I think I'd rather be in space. I think I'd rather be in space. Yeah. Space Station. Can I go by myself, though? No, you'd have to have loads of people. They'd be like, Cosmonaut, Alexei... Oh, yeah. Michael, they're decommissioning the Space Station in the late... In the end of this decade. They are? Are you going to ask them maybe if they'd leave it up there just for you? Yeah, yeah. A little home away from home. A time share. A little T.E. I don't know. I'm really disappointed by the fact that they are, but... Why?

[00:38:28] I just think it's... Well, first of all, surely it's got to still be scientifically important. And secondly, it's a rare example of cross-cultural cooperation. Yeah. Are they not getting something else instead, though? Not of a similar caliber, I don't think. And what happens? Does it stay up there or come down? They're going to... I think bits of it will fall off. So where's it going, guys? Where's the Space Station going? Point Nemo. It's going to Point Nemo. So because it's so remote, Point Nemo is actually used.

[00:38:57] It's a very, very large area, right? It's used as a spacecraft cemetery. So it's the safest place to crash spacecraft into. That's going to be really awkward when you're out there bobbing out there on your own, isn't it? And the ISS comes down and really ruins my day. Yeah. Yeah. He died as he lived, being a complete and utter tosser. It's very mankind, though, isn't it? Like, oh, look, the one area of the planet that we have least defiled. Let's crash some rocket boosters into it, you know? Yeah, yeah.

[00:39:26] I'd say you'd like to watch that, would you? Oh, God, I would, aren't you? Yeah, I really would. I mean, who wouldn't want to watch that? That sounds great. What percentage, Michael, of your life have you spent watching rocket launches? 97%? I do... Yeah. And 70% of the remaining 3% is watching Battleships crash or something like that. Yeah, well, there's also... Nowadays, you can also watch rocket re-entry, right? So, you know, that's a whole new area for me. No, I mean, that's...

[00:39:56] OnlyFans made that much more accessible, I think. Anyway, Point Nevo. Wonderful. God, OnlyFans joke is really 2019, isn't it? Yeah. OnlyFans. Oh, every time somebody's like, is it on your... That's... Like, yeah, file it under, like, oh, that's what's on my Tinder profile. Here's another scary thing about the oceans. Rogue waves. Do we know what they are? That was a landmark abortion case. Yeah.

[00:40:24] It is funny that both those words mean something of the sea, like rowing and wading. Like that. It's very... Will, I'd love if you'd been the judge on that case and you'd say, now, thank you, everyone, for your submissions. Can we take a moment to notice that it's quite amusing, actually? Obviously, a landmark case. It's really important. It's going to do a lot for women's rights to govern their own bodies. It should be a C-mark case, shouldn't it? A water-mark case. Oh, I thought you thought that will, if you was a judge, you'd be like, okay, let's see

[00:40:53] the prosecution. I want you to row. Yeah. And then I want the defendant to wait. And then we'll see who does it better. That seems like the fairest way. This week on Traversing Bodies of Water, it's Rogue versus Wade. Rogue versus Wade. Michael, what's a rogue wave when it's at home now? I think I know it. I think it's a big wave that could be up to like 10 stories high that just appears in the middle of the ocean and is terrifying. So it's not a tsunami. A tsunami is caused by an earthquake or something. So Will's got it.

[00:41:20] So it is basically just a freak convergence of waves, of vibrations, I guess, of the water that produce out of nowhere in potentially quite a calm sea, a crazy wave, which is amazing. I mean, it's kind of cool, right? I don't know. Do they happen close to land often? It's usually out in the open ocean, which makes it even scarier. What about Michael? Are there enormous whirlpools in the middle of the sea? There are.

[00:41:51] Oh, that makes, that's horrible. Well, sorry, I don't know if they're in the middle of the sea, but I know that there's somewhere in Japan that has like a permanent whirlpool. I think there was a bridge built in the middle of some kind of estuary or something that has a permanent and quite dangerous whirlpool. And is it really dangerous? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Ships get sucked into it. They're horrifying. I don't know if ships get sucked into it, but it is. Yeah, come on. Because I hope you've never heard that. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, that'd be on OnlyFans, wouldn't it? Yeah, someone we know. A hundred men got sucked into a whirlpool.

[00:42:21] Yeah. Yeah. And yeah, thinking about stuff like that is not great. I brought some cryptic crossword clues for you about the sea and the oceans. Here we go. The first one is scrotal louse. And I haven't included the word sea or ocean in the clue. It's just the first words. Scrotal louse. South coral. South coral. No. Why is coral louse? What's the south coral? What's the louse?

[00:42:51] Yeah, no, sure. But what's the link to the clue, Michael? I thought it was... Oh, right. No, it's not an anagram, is it? No. Okay. No, no. Oh, I see where you're coming from there, actually. That's not bad. Yeah. Scrotal louse. Baltic. Baltic. Baltic. Why is it that? Oh. Scrotal louse. A ball tick. What? Oh. Ew. Look, I don't make the questions. No, in that case, I absolutely did. I'll chuck in another one later, which is less gross.

[00:43:20] Actually, no, I've got one that's more gross. Can we have a name? Oh, yeah. Father cleans bathroom makes him unattractive. Father cleans bathroom. Father cleans bathroom. Are you just doing the sounds like? So, dad. Yes, it's just sounds like. Dad. Sweeps. Dad. Dad. Hugh's on the right track. The wash sink. The wash sink of my eye. Dad. It's not da. Pa. Papa? Pa. Pa.

[00:43:50] Pacific. What? How does that? Father cleans bathroom makes him unattractive. Pacific. I mean, it's not really a cryptic clue. That's good stuff. It's wonderful. That is a cryptic clue. I love it. It's a torture. I've got two more. Do you want them now? No. Come on. That's a treat. Okay. Driving human origin pulse. What? Driving human origin pulse. Pulse. Driving. Pulse. Yeah. Something ape bean.

[00:44:21] What? Apes are where the humans came from. Not ape, but bean is correct. No. Bean. No. Car-rib-ian. Car-rib-bean. Oh, wow. What was it again? Driving human origin pulse. Wow. Will adheres to the Adam's rib theory. Where does rib come from, though? That's where women were made from. From Adam's rib. I should have written women origin, to be fair. Okay, the final one is...

[00:44:51] Women are humans. I'm just saying it's not... You know, I'm not... That's not a take. I'm not sure about ending. No homo. Yeah. English private says, Officer farts? Who cares? I thought that was the officer's name. Brit? Focus on the bit... No, focus on the bit where... What he's saying. We don't... The... This is stupid, this one. What's it? Uh, okay. Officer farts? Who cares? Private... Major smell. Uh...

[00:45:21] Corporal... Corporal stench. Private... A secret! Secret! A conspiracy for private. Sergeant. No, I think it's a bad... Do you want me to... No, it's the way he would... General. Refer to those people. It's so rough to be on the receiving end. End of these. You know that? No homo. Sargasso Sea. Oh my... Sar! Sargas!

[00:45:51] So? That is... That's... That's actually very good. I don't know what that was anyway, so... No, that's very good. The Sargasso Sea. The Sargasso Sea has got to be one of the... Strangest places in the world, right? It's just all seaweed and eels. It's in the middle of the Atlantic, but it's just... Like my OnlyFans profile. You know... But it's just miles and miles and miles of seaweed, and eels breed there. Oh, God. It's disgusting.

[00:46:20] So it's just a big eel... It's like a big pot of soup, kind of. It's like a big... Like a big ramen. They don't use OnlyFans. They use OnlyFans, don't they? Again, Will, that does fall, unfortunately, into the same category of jokes. People who are like... Are you kidding me? I love cooking. Ooh, check out my OnlyPans. You know? Or like... That's an excellent joke. Sorry. I just riffed OnlyFans. That's brilliant. Oh, Will. I called you Michael. It was so bad there. Sorry.

[00:46:48] I'm setting up a profile for where I can bring back all those returnables. Yeah. What's that called? OnlyCans. That's great. It's not great, though. What do you mean? What do you mean it's not great? Explain why it's not great. It is in the same category of people who say... The former video shop Chartbusters is getting rid of the DVD section, so it's now just... Only... What else did they do in Chartbusters? Tans! Only Tans. Yeah. Yeah.

[00:47:17] Yeah. I'm setting up one that's to do with the bad guy from the first Die Hard film. Oh, yeah, yeah. Only Hands. Only Hands. And of course, Anya, when you go back to that campsite, they're not going to allow tents anymore. Be only Vans. Yes! This is joyful stuff. Guys, whatever about the sea, let's talk about what's in the sea. What are the best and worst deep sea animals? Well, the creepy one with the light on his head.

[00:47:46] Oh, the... It's an angler fish. How deep are we going though, Michael? Because as Anya says, it gets to deep dark pretty quickly. You know? Deep, deep, deep, deep and dark. Yeah. We're getting to that weird pressurized zone. They think they haven't discovered like 90% of species of sea creature. Yeah. That's horrifying. It's horrible. A big turtle. Like, they're the best. I know they're not super deep, but they're amazing. Yeah. They are. They are amazing. Do we count whales and stuff? Yeah. Yeah. Sperm whales go pretty deep.

[00:48:16] Ah, sperm whales. You can't name an animal a sperm. Where did it come from? Yeah. Yeah. There's no, like, semen dolphins or jizz fish. There's some kind of oil that's in them. So, basically, until petrol, until oil was sort of commercially available, the oil in the world all came from whales, which is wild. You know? Like oil for cars? No, because it was before cars as well.

[00:48:46] But if you needed, like, grease. But, like, for lanterns and things. Lanterns or if you needed, like, grease to have, like, gears working or something. Do whatever you needed to do, Michael. Michael, do whatever you do. Yeah. If you won a trip, right? Yeah. To go whaling in Japan. Yeah. Would you go? No, I would not whale. No, I would not. What could entice you? What would you need, Michael? And so this will, let's say, so you're going whaling. You have to go whaling. You have to harpoon a whale. But, like, you're given spending money. You're given a hotel.

[00:49:15] You're given very, like, what would you need? Those things wouldn't hold any allure for Michael, though. Maybe if it was some sort of population control on the whales. Like, there were too many whales or the whales were getting out of hand or the whales were getting unruly. So eugenics, basically. The whales were getting a bit uppity. The whales were getting uppity. Ethnic cleansing. No, no. So would you, if you felt it was for the good of the ecosystem, would you happily harpoon a whale? I suppose, I suppose so. What other creatures would you kill? What if they had to call squirrels in the local park? Would you sign up for that?

[00:49:45] You'd be all over that. Yeah. It's given a shotgun and a hammer. Put on my big boots. Yeah. Yeah. A hammer on a plastic bag. Would you, if nobody would ever know it, right, would you hunt, like, illegally hunt hippos or rhinos? No, I would. I would. I would. No, nobody's ever going to know. Just one hippo. No one's ever going to know. I'm out of Point Nemo. A dolphin pops up. He gives me some lip. Yeah. Would you kill it? And I have a mallet in my hand.

[00:50:14] Would you kill him and boil him down for his oil? No, I wouldn't. I don't like. Would you, would you have the stomach to like, so once you, to like, to like do all the filleting of the creature and stuff? I think I would be quite good at that now. Yeah. Yeah. Do you? Yeah. I would, yeah. Do you have a strong, you don't have a strong stomach. You get sick at everything. I have a remarkably strong stomach. Both in terms of my, my ability to tolerate unpleasant scenarios and also my abs. Would you, would you kill a hippo, Michael?

[00:50:42] Would you, or let's say no, let's say one of those rhinos where there's only like 78 of them left. But if you and your family were starving, would you kill them? I mean, yeah, probably, I guess. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I would. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Just a little corollary of that. If the rhino was starving, would you kill your family? No. What if, what if the rhino's horn was like a very potent aphrodisiac?

[00:51:10] And I really needed a very potent aphrodisiac. Would you, would you, would you, would you kill a rhino to start a family? That's a different question. Yeah, that is a different question. What would you do though if nobody was looking, Michael? Terrible things to say. No, no, no. Come on, there'd be some things. Let's say, Michael, you're told total amnesty from all prosecution. What would your crime be? Well, he did talk before about hunting former guest of the podcast, Alan Grace. Oh, that's true, yeah. Through a rainforest. Would you like to hunt man? The most dangerous game of the world.

[00:51:40] No, I... If you had to hunt one of us, who would it be? If I, if, if we could set up... Will, will, will would give you the best chase, I think. So if we could set up a scenario whereby I have to track you guys down. More like a US Marshall style situation. You're on the run. Oh, I'm Richard Kimball. Yeah, but no harm will come to you. That's no fun, Michael. I would love that. I would absolutely love that. We could definitely do that. I'd love to be on either end of it, actually. You know? No harm, though. Michael, we should, we should definitely do that sometime, right?

[00:52:09] We all come to, you know, we all go to say County Wicklow, right? Okay, yeah. And we have to track each other down by any means necessary. I would, Anya, I would have you hogtied and back in the van within 20 minutes. Oh, Christ, Michael. I would, I would. I'd absolutely, I'd run you down. I would. Like in a chasing way, not in like a, with a car way. Yeah. I don't think you would. Again, you really overestimate and you really chronically underestimate the people around you.

[00:52:36] But how are you going to, A, how are you going to get away? And B, how are you going to find us? Because I think if you give us a 10 minute head start, you just never find us. No, I use my tricks of the trade. I use my... What are your tricks of the trade? I'd be examining your leavings. I'd be... So, so, so this is reliant on Will leaving droppings. Yeah, I'd be like... Which, to be fair, I do. I would. It's the first thing you do. It's the first thing you do. Leave them regularly. Yeah, I would. I 100% would.

[00:53:06] And Will would probably... I could just imagine there'd be a trail left behind Will of various articles of clothing hanging from trees. Yeah, 100%. No, I think Will would do very well. If I'd be naked in a cafe. He's younger than us. He could climb trees very well. I think he'd be... He's a runner. He's a runner. Yeah, I think Will would do well. No one is... I could climb... I'll challenge anyone in the whole world to climbing a tree contest. I'm so good at climbing trees. Yeah, just back to people overestimating their abilities. Ornia, I'm not joking.

[00:53:36] Next time we hang out, I'll climb any tree you want. Yeah, okay. Next time all four of us are together. And admittedly, the last time I was with Will in London, he climbed a tree. Because I actually said, look, Will, there's a tree. You should climb it. And he went and climbed it. But I'm not overestimating my... That's the one area that I'm underestimating my abilities. I think Hugh would get scared. I think if you had to be on your own for too long. But I think Hugh would be... I think he would be quite good at evading capture. I would get too scared as well. Guys, can I give you my vote for worst deep sea animal?

[00:54:06] The Greenland shark, right? What's through there? Not the one that's a million years old. Up to 500 years old, right? Which is wild. They have a gestation period of up to 18 years. So they live inside another animal for 18 years. And they reach sexual maturity at the age of 150. Like yourself, Michael. So we're not so different. Which is wild, right? And also they're incredibly slow. Like they swim.

[00:54:35] The comparisons just continue, Michael. Incredibly slow. Yeah. Oh, sorry, swimming. I think I can top your worst thing in the ocean, Michael. Well, I mean, ask its permission first. First. No, man. The Simophoa exegua, otherwise known as the tongue louse. You always find the... Yeah. Which is a parasite that enters the fish through the gills. The female attaches to the tongue. It severs the blood vessels in the fish's tongue.

[00:55:04] The tongue falls off. And then the parasite becomes the tongue of the fish. Oh, my gosh. It's so pointless and vindictive. The worst thing you've ever heard. But it's probably not pointless. It's probably part of some complex ecosystem that this doesn't happen. Like the crows will fall from the skies or something. You know what I mean? Tongue and louse are not two good words, though. No. Just say hi to my housemate, guys. Don't worry about that. Who is this? He's got a great voice. He's from Texas, Sonia. No way. Sorry. What? Will, you've been living with a Texan all these years?

[00:55:35] Yeah. If I lived with a Texan... Not all these years. It would be the first thing I would say on every podcast. Do you, like, bicker over things? No. He's the best housemate ever. Blake isn't a bickerer. Like, he's very chilled. Very calm. Although I will say, when we were on that table quiz team recently, didn't pull his weight, I felt. Sorry, you've been on a table quiz team with Will's housemate? I met Blake many times, yeah. I mean, I've stayed in their house many times. To be perfectly honest, Blake's taken my bedroom.

[00:56:04] So, let's... Yeah, that is the way round it's worked. You've never once mentioned this. Was that at the Grafton? Was that at that? Was it the pub that smelled a bit like toilet? That's every London pub. And had the round bar, kind of. Yeah, London pubs. There's something not right there. British pubs. No, that's not true. How many London pubs have you been to, you idiots? Yeah, they all smell like toilets. No, you haven't. They always smell. They always smell way worse than our pubs. Obviously, they don't. There's so many, so many pubs in London, they don't all smell like toilets. Name one single nice pub in London that doesn't smell. What a single instance of this will.

[00:56:33] A single one. A single one. I'm going to say the Bedford where you can go and see our live show. Oh. Yeah. 19th of October, 1.15pm. This is... I'm sick of this. People who don't live in London are talking about London. Will, are you honestly going to say that you think that English pubs are better than Irish pubs? Are you honestly going to stand there and say that to me? No, you're changing the terms of the argument. Irish pubs are better because they're in Ireland. Because they don't smell like Europe. But some Irish pubs. But that's the mean smell. Is that the... Will, am I saying that right? Well, Onya, we must...

[00:57:02] There's always, we must choose between the mean, the median and the mode. Okay. Well, the mean smell in English pubs is much worse than the mean smell in Ireland. And of course, the mean, oddly enough, the mean might actually not occur in any of the circumstances. It's purely the mathematical point. Did you ever think the reason those signs were up is because you guys were the problem? That's all I'm asking. I don't want to come in here because it smells like poo.

[00:57:29] Oh, well, guys, Michael, I think I have a lot of support here. Yeah, you do. Like, it's hardly an exacting standard will, you know, to not smell awful. Like, and also a medium, like a mid-table English pub versus a mid-table Irish pub will always be so much worse than the Irish pub. Yeah. Different conversation. I'm not saying that. But most of them don't smell like the toilet. Like, I've done extensive work in the field and they do.

[00:57:57] Yeah, no, to be fair, you've probably been to more pubs in London than I have, having only lived here for, what, 14 years? That's fair. Wrong. Absolutely wrong. Stop bad-mouthing London. It doesn't smell like toilets. You smell like toilets. Get out of my country. A lot of great things about London. How is your toilet, Anya? It broke recently, didn't it? My toilet? Yeah, sorry. The pot calling the kettle covered in poo. What are you talking about? You'd break all your toilets in your house and now you're coming to my city. We were recording an episode a while back and you weren't on it, Anya, and you were dealing with a toilet crisis.

[00:58:27] I don't think we ever discussed how that got resolved. So the water in where I live entirely went. And every time that happens, several houses around us, it always seems to, you can end up getting an airlock in your system. And it basically meant that the toilets, they don't have any traction when you go to flush them. I hate that. The scissors don't fill.

[00:58:50] I hate that. The thing and having to, you know, out to the curb and like turn off the water. Anya, say you love this. You know, if you ever get a sink and it's just beginning to drain more slowly and you have to, you probably do a little bit of maintenance and then you probably use a bit of product, but plunging, plunging and some of the gunk you get out. Yeah. That's great.

[00:59:19] Well, I do love those drain unblockers. They're quite exciting. The kind of pale slime, the translucent. Yeah. Yeah. There's a whole category of videos on, on YouTube of, of people going up where, where areas are flooded. So in the autumn, when, when leaves kind of gather around drains and they get like vast areas of, of, of flooding, like blocking roads or, and someone will just go up and, and, and whisk them around with a rake. And then the whole thing goes in. It's amazing. Top tip.

[00:59:46] Watch, watch those leaf unblocking videos as you get in autumn, you know. So maybe some of your, the British publicans might, might care to take in some of these videos will. Yeah. Michael, I've just found a video called unclogging four culverts clogged with leaves, but the video is 59 and a half minutes. Yeah. Yeah. Michael only ever makes it 90 seconds in though. I would be the first to say that one of the problems with the youth of today is the

[01:00:15] short attention span, but I'm not willing to commit to that, Michael. I expected you to give me 40 seconds. No, no, no, no, no, no. You want to get it. You want to get invested in the story. You know? Yeah. How long has it been backed up for? What types of leaves are we dealing with? What type of rake are we dealing with? Are we going to go for a, for a scratching motion with the rake or we're going to try and get a whirlpool going? It's wonderful content. Do you know, this is like the way I love watching these companies that clean really dirty rugs, cleaning the rugs.

[01:00:45] Oh, cleaning a dirty rug. That's satisfying. And it goes on for like 15 minutes and it's just, oh, he's going in with the, oh, and each, and at the end of it will be this like Mickey Mouse rug. You'll be like, why did somebody have that cleaned? You know? Do you mean on yet? Like it's a rug with a picture of Mickey Mouse on it. Do you do mean like it's this old Mickey Mouse rug here? Not really a rug. Oh, we are so forgot.

[01:01:12] Like fully cleaned and all the innards got steam cleaned. But I really wish they'd let me come with my sofa to the warehouse so I could have seen it happen. What happened to your sofa that needed to be cleaned? What was going on? Like somebody watching an execution, like the way journalists are like, watch an execution. You know, I wish I'd been in a viewing booth. No, my sofa is 30 years old in two years time. Wow. And that is because. So it's 28 years old. So it's 28 years old. 28 years old. Yeah, I guess my sofa will be 30 years old in the future as well.

[01:01:41] That is genuinely how the junior infants in my class speak. It's like, I'll be eight after I'm seven, six and five. Okay, Michael, I have a question for you. Yes. Would you watch an execution? Oh, no, no, no. That's bad. Okay, hang on a second, Michael. Okay, hang on. Would you. Yeah. Kill a hippo or watch an execution of a hostage? Okay. I like it.

[01:02:09] So it's not like a legitimate execution if that phrase can be used. Why would someone take a hippo hostage? When are we going to do our executions episode, by the way? Which are you doing, Michael? You kill a hippo or you watch the. But the hippo, this is a scenario where I need the hippo for food or the hippo has done something. No, no, no, no, no. You're hunting. You've painted war paint on your face. So in one scenario, I have to do harm to another animal. And the other thing is I just have to witness something. I think probably witnessed something. You want to watch a hostage be executed.

[01:02:39] If the price was right, right? If somebody would pay you 250,000 euro a year, right? Yeah. Tax free. But you are the state executioner for Texas. Wow. Would you do it? No. Michael, you're only following orders. And you might never be used that year. No. There might be a call from the governor at the last minute. Okay, what about Michael? So you'd watch the hostage over killing the hippo. Yeah.

[01:03:04] What if, right, you're told, look, the hostage is going to be killed, right? That's just happening. Okay. So it's not going to make any difference. Yeah. Whether the person we were going to get to do it does it. Or whether you do it. Because if you don't do it, they're going to do it. Would you then kill the hostage or would you kill the hippo? What? What? You're giving the axe.

[01:03:30] So the hippo is going to live anyway, but the hostage is definitely going to die. It's either your hand or someone else's hand. So I'm standing above a railway line and there's a hostage on one track and a hippo on the other. And I've got a lever and I need to decide which way it's going. Yeah. But there is also a man next to the hostage with a gun. You've got no homo. And if the trolley doesn't... Okay, what if I had to kill a hostage unless you would do it for me? Would you kill... Not for me, but would you do the killings that I didn't have to do? No. What am I getting out of that?

[01:04:01] To help me. Why wouldn't you do it to help me? I have to do it then. Because, oh, well, Michael would live with it so much better than any of us would. I'd be like, no, Hugh, we're hopefully good together. None of us... We're not even asking you these questions. We know it's not fair. You're good, Will. You're good. You're good. Your heart is too pure. Yeah. On the list of people that I would get to help me bury a body, like, it's your credit. You are, like, at the extreme opposite end. Yeah. Yeah. Will, maybe go climb a tree and be lookout. Yeah. Yeah.

[01:04:30] You're the most important member of the team, buddy. The worst thing we'd have to do is we'd have to be like, Will, could you help us take a second home? We'd just have to kill Will as well. He'd have seen too much. He'd have seen too much if he's come that far. Sorry. What's that? You want me to be lookout but kneeling in front of this hole? Is that, like, a good vantage point? Yeah. Cool. Just a little bit deeper first. Fine. I can watch out. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, you want me to dig it a bit deeper? Yeah. And get the soil really close beside so whoever needs to fill it in. Hey, guys, what are we putting in this? Yeah. There he goes.

[01:05:00] Overhearing me booking a table for three for dinner on the way home. So, wait. Where did we get to? Michael, do you want to shoot a hostage? I'm good for that. Thanks. Do you want to help Hugh just dispose of a body? No. No. Michael, you wouldn't be high on my list either. And again, it's to your credit. Yeah. Thanks. Thanks, Hugh. I don't know if A Sailor's Life is the life for you, but sea shanties are fun. It's a fun category of song. Give you a couple of titles. So, you've got What Should We Do with the Drunken Sailor? That's a good one, right?

[01:05:29] You've got Blow the Man Down. You've got No Homo. Randy Dandy-O. That's another one. No Homo. Leave Her Johnny. That's Leave Her, Johnny. Holloway Joe. That's a... No Homo. It's just a... It's a forgotten time. I mean, a simpler time. Kind of like country songs, but... Wetter. Not. Yeah, songs to warm your heart, you know?

[01:05:56] But also, there's a whole load of phrases that we use the whole time that come from being at sea. So, for example, a loose cannon, right? That's a cannon rolling around the decks. Oh, that's fun. I didn't know that. Yeah, there's a whole load of things that I didn't realise. Hand over fist. Hand over fist. Is that to do a paying for something? Hand over fist. Hand over fist. I'm paying for something hand over fist. So, is that to do a paying?

[01:06:23] No, what it is, it's to do with climbing ropes very, very quickly. So, you're making progress up a rope very quickly with your hand over your fist. Michael, you don't get too overexcited when I say this, but I think you will be the captain. Thanks. So do I, actually. Yeah, yeah. I know you do. Yeah, of course you do. Well, we get to final judgments, guys. The ocean. Yeah. Legitimate like. Everyone's always banging on about save the ocean, saving the seas. Is it worth it? I think the ocean is massive and scary, but also it's cool.

[01:06:53] I don't understand why it's salty, and I love that fish live in it, and I think probably I should be like, oh, save the ocean, man. I should probably be wearing one of those cork necklaces and all shells on me and stuff. I love sea glass. I love the ocean. It's cool. I don't want to be in it all the time, but I love looking at it. So I think it should stay. I think it's a legitimate like. So your vote, Will, as always, is motivated by guilt and confusion. Yeah, yeah. That's my modus operandi. That's good.

[01:07:20] It's funny because, I mean, you've all mentioned this idea of the ocean being really scary, and I just don't think that. I understand it, and when you say it, of course, I'm like, yeah, that's fair enough, but it's not something that comes to mind. You can't see underneath you. I think the ocean. There's all this stuff underneath you. The ocean is just amazing. I think it's one of the most remarkable things about the world, and yeah, I mean, I love it so much. I love. Do you not get freaked out that when you're swimming in deep water and you think about what the shark can see and you can just see your legs jangling like two stupid legs, two idiot legs. You don't know. That's what I always think about looking an idiot.

[01:07:50] I suppose I haven't done a great deal of swimming in deep water. I tend to swim from the shore, but. Yeah, but if you swim out from the shore to the deep water. Yeah. I mean. I think you're both using very different definitions of deep there. When you're in rural Kerry, you know. Yeah. Even if you end up swimming out to somewhere where it's like 30 feet down, I feel. Oh, God. I love doing it, but I hate thinking about it. But you see, I think. You wouldn't even. I mean, if you dropped Everest in there, you'd displace all the water, you know. You're right on it.

[01:08:17] I'd like to have a little snorkel on me or something so I can see what's going on. No, it's better than not know. It's better than not know. If it's crystal clear water. A snorkel is one of the greatest things. Yeah, it is fun. It is. Yeah. Ocean is amazing. And it's a real shame that we're gumming it up with stuff. You know, all these big piles of rubbish and. Okay, well. Come on. All right, Will. Let's sort it out. Yeah. Legitimate like. Enormous legitimate like. Michael, we didn't talk garbage islands. Yeah.

[01:08:46] The big Pacific rubbish patch. How big is that garbage patch in the Pacific? So it's like. It's very big. It's very big. But I think. Could it stand on us? It's described as being. No, you couldn't, Tonya. Exactly. It is. It is an area of water that has more plastic waste in it than the sea around it. But it's not like. But does it look like a big pile of rubbish? It doesn't. No, no, it doesn't. And I know I sound like I'm disappointed.

[01:09:16] When I say that. But like. It's not what you're envisaging. Like this big mass of. But are there big garbage islands? Anywhere? I don't think so. Why would they get stuck together? You're thinking of Fatbergs. Yeah. Or Rat Kings. They're not real. They're not real. That's only a 30 Rock thing, isn't it? No, Rat Kings are real. This is the Rat King. They are. Rat Kings. Oh, Michael, stop. Stop. Stop. That's utterly disgusting. They 100% are.

[01:09:46] How do you know? Because they are. It's just when their tails get all tied up together. You know? What if you combined a Rat King and a Fatberg? Ratberg. Get a Ratberg. Which is a German house of royals. Yeah. Well, guys, that's been an episode. How would we grade ourselves on that? Like, how do we think we did there? Is this for public consumption? Yeah. If the listeners are going to be listening, then 10 out of 10. What do we think? Would you give us an A or a B?

[01:10:14] I just think most of the stuff we talked about was below C level. I think, Michael, that deserves us to give you the proper setup for that. It's true. It's true. I think we shouldn't have fucking hammered through that. That was great. Michael and Anya, how would you have voted had you a vote? It's legitimate. It's like voting against yourself. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Obviously, I would have voted no. You think you're the C. What? What do you mean it's like voting against yourself? Sorry, Michael. I need to hear more about this. We need to have the ocean. We need to have the ocean. Do you know what I mean? Do we? Yeah.

[01:10:43] But we need to have snot. But we don't have to like it. I mean, is it legitimate to like it? Yes. I don't know. Like, there's all this talk about there not being enough water in the world. Whatever. And it turns out 97% of it is just sitting there in the ocean. Not doing anything. So, I'm going to vote. That's the big talk, Mike. I don't think people are saying there's not enough water in the world. Big talk. Big talk. It would be fun just for, let's say, a week. We just took all the water out of the ocean.

[01:11:12] And then went for a walk down on the seabed. That would be cool, though, wouldn't it? Or you could bring her van. Yeah, it would be cool. It would be fun. Just for a week and then put it back. Are all the creatures going to survive? They're in the water. The water's off. We've put it in somewhere. The water's just been hoisted up somewhere. We've got to skip. Well, listen. It's been a pleasure talking to you all about the ocean. It's been wide ranging. And at times, a little bit salty. Hugh, thanks for co-hosting. Long time no see. Oh, that's nice. I'm hoping that everyone has a pun, locked and loaded.

[01:11:42] Michael, thank you for coming in. I'm not going to say goodbye. I'm just going to give you guys a big wave. And Ornia? Let me see. Everything we've talked about is water under the bridge, so don't worry too much. You'll soon... No. No. You'll... Oh, I hope you enjoyed...

[01:12:10] I think you will be my friend before long. You will be my soon ami. Oh, that's very good. But I think we've had some really trenched insights. Okay. That's cool. Trench can occur on land, though. Okay. Yeah, we're going to have to run that one back. Just check that again. No, well... Easy, easy come... Sargossa. It's good stuff. We'll see you next time, folks. Goodbye. Doesn't make sense at all.

[01:12:40] Well, you know what they say. Sargasso is the lowest form of wit. See ya. This podcast is part of Podomity, the UK's podcast comedy network. Why not laugh at what else we've got? Visit Podomity.com.