Rewind: Pirates

[00:00:00] This show is nominated for a 2026 Golden Lobes Podcast Award. Get in! I'm on crutches at the moment because I've got a torn muscle in my leg. I wonder at this stage would it be easier just to chop it off? Peg leg. So where are you at with the leg? So for the listener this will seem like this is a terrible leg injury that's now going on weeks and weeks into the summer. But for me it's just been perhaps three days. I went on crutches for a couple of days, took the weight off as the advice I was given.

[00:00:30] And then I was told you should probably start trying to put weight back on, you know? And I went for a walk with a crutch. I was kind of in and out with the crutches. And it was fine. No pain at all. But then woke up the following morning and very sore for that day. So I think I overdid it. I think I've regressed a little bit. And the other thing, I don't know is this just because I'm not using it as much. When I look at my two bare feet, the uninjured one is my normal foot colour. The other one is darker, you know? I'm like, why is that going on?

[00:01:00] Oh God. Well, this happened to me. Remember, I really bashed my ankle. You know when you miss a step and my other foot didn't know and it got all twisted around. And like, one foot suddenly looks really sleek and kind of a little bit sexy and like, you know, it's, it's, it's, you know, and then the other foot is just like, it's like, it's just like puff, you know, it's just like puff. And it's like, it's just, it's just one big sort of, is that kind of what's happening for you? Yeah. It's like, these are not the same, the feet of the same person.

[00:01:29] And like, you're like, one shoe doesn't really fit because you're like, one foot is so enormous. Do you think it's a bit swollen? Is that what's going on? It is a bit swollen, but you see, you see, to be honest, most of the pain I get, so the muscle is torn halfway up my leg. Jesus. Most of the pain I'm getting is in my ankle. So. You did hurt your ankle as well. It's terrible though. Do you think, is it, so you can't, you're not playing any fun sports or anything or doing any. Not playing any fun sports. Can't even, yeah. Like, so it's a bit. Can you walk up the stairs?

[00:01:59] I'm trying, I feel like, oh, listen, do you know what listener? Hopefully by the time you see us at our live show, I'll be all fixed. We have two live shows actually. So do you know what? Why you better come to both because I might still be injured. I'll give you a progress update on each one. 1st of November in Belfast, 8th of November in Dublin. Get your tickets now. Yeah. You need to train up for this now. This is your goal. Yeah, that's true. Got to be fit for the live show. Yeah. You got to be skidding across the stage on your knees and stuff.

[00:02:27] Maybe that's what I should promise I'm going to dance across the stage. God, you promising to dance is no big thing. No. No little thing. I'm getting confused. It's a big thing. Do you think I could learn how to moonwalk at this stage of my life? Not on a crutch, I wouldn't say, but yeah. No, I probably wouldn't. Yeah, I don't know. You're getting a bit like Michael's weird. You know, Michael has a strange fascination with Michael Jackson seems untouched by facts or time. That's true. Maybe you could pick a better dancer to tribute. Gene Kelly. What did he have?

[00:02:56] I love singing in the rain. Oh yeah, you do that at the live show. You learn and perform singing in the rain. I don't really suit you. Yeah. Are you a good dancer? No. I've no confidence. Do you know what though? We, I think I've mentioned before that I have a friend who teaches dance and she comes into the school where I teach and does dance after school for the kids. And for a while there, she asked if any of the staff wanted to do it. And because we're pals, I was like, yeah, of course I'll go and do it. And I really enjoyed it.

[00:03:26] And she was like, no, Hugh, you're a good dancer. You're a good dancer. It's the only area of my life where I'm still self-conscious. I think like very self-conscious. I thought you were going to say it's the only area of my life where I think I can improve. I was like, Oh, great. That's very Michael. Yeah. But it's funny because really enjoyed it. It was great fun. And you see, when I'm given the moves, I'm fine. Yeah. But you couldn't. The problem is, it's when I have to freestone, then I don't know what to do with any part of my body.

[00:03:53] But we, like we did it, we actually, it was great because there was a dance show at the end of the year for all the kids and all the parents came in. And we decided we'd do a little surprise performance at us. So we were all dancing. We danced to pink. Let's get the party started. Oh, wow. And it was amazing. We were pretending to put up posters on the back wall because we don't surprise the year before we joined in at the very end where they all come out. All the kids come out and do a big chorus.

[00:04:22] I think it was walking on sunshine and we joined in. They were like, what? And there are only six of us doing it. But then the following year, we're like, well, no one will be surprised this year. And then we're like, no, let's say just we're not doing anything. But then we were putting up posters on the back wall because it was a sixth class graduation the following day. So we all pretended to be up there literally. And then suddenly the music came on and we all turned around and put on sunglasses and started. Oh, that's cool. Coming up. But it's funny because afterwards, the principal was like, Hugh, I have to be honest.

[00:04:52] I was looking at the posters you were put because we hadn't made any posters. We just had written like congratulations sixth class on an A4 sheet of paper. And she was like, Hugh, I was really wondering now if they were going to stay off. But also why you were doing the mid show. I know. Yeah. I was at her birthday party, this dance teacher. Obviously there was dancing at it. And she was like, come on, Hugh, come on, come on over, do it. And I went over, but there was a DJ there. But I went over and joined my friend who's the birthday girl.

[00:05:22] And he was like, oh, this fella coming over like him when he left feet, does he have. And I was like, oh, come on. I'm trying my best. Oh, I don't. I don't like that sort of DJ chat. Like, yeah. Like it's all got to be positive, right? Yeah. But like, I've noticed that weddings, DJs do this thing. They're like, finally, for the first time, it's, you know, it's Steven and, you know, Pauline. And they keep doing this, finally at last. And you're like, what do you mean finally at last? And it's like, you don't know.

[00:05:51] And it makes it sound like she's had to like really frog march him up the aisle. Like no, you'll hear it at every wedding. And they'll be like, finally, this gentleman get on the floor for New York, New York. I hate that New York, New York. Why? You've gone a little bit Jonathan Ross there. Yeah, I can't get that. Finally, ladies and gentlemen. Ladies and gentlemen, it's Pauline and Steven. I want to see everybody up on the floor. You know, all this. I hate that. Like, just, just leave us alone. You know, we don't, we don't, we don't want it. You know? You're not the star of the show here.

[00:06:21] Yeah. Yeah. I just, I like, I just have to be very, like, even when we got married, like I had a no playlist of like things that I will leave if I hear, you know, I've said this before. I hate the song, Proud Mary. I hate it. I'm the only person in the world that doesn't like it, but here I am. I don't like it. It's such a party ender for me. You know? What else was on it? Oh, that was the main one. I was like, please. Oh, I hate Valerie, the Amy Winehouse song. Okay. And what's the other one that I don't like?

[00:06:50] You hate Bohemian Rhapsody, although they probably wouldn't put that on at your wedding. Yeah. But people love stuff like that. Valerie, there's another one that I don't like. I like one, but I don't like Wake Me Up Before You Go Go. Okay. So this is another one of our special classic episodes. And we're talking about pirates today. Way back from the annals. Am I right in saying, you've got to pronounce that word properly. You really do.

[00:07:16] Am I right in saying that this is where Michael gets into some romantic fiction or erotic fiction even? Yes. Yeah, it is. So keep an ear out for that. This is from way back and I think it's an unsung hero. I think there's really good stuff in here. Oh, yeah. Well, I mean, I think we're on the high seas, you know. I think we focus more on the classic pirate rather than the Somali pirates, don't we? Yeah. So if you're hoping for more of that, I guess, stay tuned. Might get to it in 2026.

[00:07:45] Yeah, exactly. We go off on many tangents as we always do. So... I know we talk about this on the episode, but do you think you could make a good pirate? Oh, no. No. I like the fun bits. I do say on it that I would like to be like on the Dawn Treader, like C.S. Lewis style, you know, in my little cabin getting my dinner served for me by a little friendly rat. But, oh, all the arguing and stuff and the drinking, the hard drinking and the getting into, like, I don't want to board a...

[00:08:16] Are you stuck with the other ship then as well once you conquer it? You see, that's the thing. Do you tow it? The other thing is, you probably don't even, even if you get killed, like, or you get injured, you probably don't get a good clean death. You probably just have a cannonball blowing off your leg, you know? Yeah. That's what happened to your leg. Yeah. Yeah. That was it. Would you like to be a pirate? No. I think again... Yeah, I think it's another one of those which makes me sound like the biggest sap in the world. I'm like, I'd like it if you could promise me that I was going to be entirely safe for the whole thing.

[00:08:46] Do you set that to everything? Yeah, pretty much. You're a weird combination though of devil-may-care and nerdy ball of anxiety. Is that unfair? Mm. Like, you're quite, you're very cautious, but then there'll be things that you do that I can't believe you've done. Like what? Like you got on a helicopter. Yeah, that's true. I always thought I wouldn't, but it's funny because I felt extremely safe in the helicopter. Yeah. Even though they're not safe. They're not safe.

[00:09:15] Yeah, I was like, that's very Michael of you yet again. So I go, I, with no understanding of helicopters, certainly felt safe. So that was when I was in New Zealand. I was also in a fixed wing plane, a little 12-seater plane where the pilot asked me to make sure the door was closed from the inside. I can't believe you did that. Yeah. And what about would you skydive? No. No. But I'd skydive, I'd skydive, skydive. Skydive. Back to dancing. I would skydive before I would bungee jump, I think.

[00:09:45] Oh, me too. And I have bungee jumped and I would never, ever, ever, ever do it again. I know it would be so much worse the second time knowing how bad it was going to be. You see in skydiving, I guess someone else is with you, right? Yeah. And they're going to grab you and just jump out of the plane. I think I'd be in such a panic by that stage though. Yeah. Yeah. What about other stuff like, you know, the more kind of extreme sports? Like what's that thing paragliding? Would you do that? So dangerous. That's the one where you're like... Yeah. Yeah.

[00:10:13] I think that, yeah, where you're hanging on to the thing. I think the one that you see all the time in the Alps, that's very safe, isn't it? Where you're strapped into the harness parasailing and there's the big parachute over you. Yeah. I still don't think... Sorry. Is it very safe? Is it safer than not doing it? Well, I mean, no, that's true. But I mean, thousands of people do it every day, you know? Hmm. Yeah. What about, would you drive like, would you drive a Formula One car or like a rally car or something? No. No. Like a 200 miles an hour. Yeah.

[00:10:43] Would you fly a little plane yourself? Having been in the fixed wing plane, I would now have more interest in like learning how to fly a plane. Really? Hmm. This is what I mean. But there's things that you won't do that you're too scared of like... You'd be like, oh, I don't eat salmon because I'm scared of it. No, that's crazy. You don't say that. Would you go deep sea diving? Absolutely not. Are you mad? No. That's, I would snorkel and everything, but would you go deep sea diving? No.

[00:11:09] But I can't go, I can't, maybe this doesn't happen when you've got an oxygen tank, but I can't go like six feet under without my ears getting sore. Yeah. I don't think it'd be great for your ears. Would you scuba? That's what I mean, I suppose. No. Oh yeah. I wouldn't do any of that. Would you get into like the Titanic submersible thing? I think on reflection, no. No, there's no way I'd do any of that. I don't like the idea of the weight of the water. Submarines. Call me crazy. Would you go in a submarine? No, submarines I don't think.

[00:11:39] But would you go through the Channel Tunnel? I will now do that. I've been having, we've talked about a lot on this podcast. I will now. And I would like to, I actually tried to do it earlier in the year, but it didn't make any, do you know what you're like? This would be great. This makes total sense. And I was like, actually this makes, this doesn't make any sense for my plans. Yeah. So, but it's an, I don't understand that why people in London aren't on it the whole time. Yeah. It's so cool. You can be in Paris in a couple of hours and you don't have to go through an airport. I would say now, if you were of independent means living in London, you'd go to Paris every day for lunch, would you?

[00:12:10] Oh, that's amazing, isn't it? Isn't it? Yeah. A little bit of shopping back home. Would you drive a Lewis? Yeah. Yeah. I'd drive a Lewis. I'm sure you're on tracks. How hard can it be? How hard can it be? Yeah. Even a train. How hard can it be? The TTV. Yeah. Oh yeah. Can you drive that? Definitely. This is, this is a new adventurous streak. Maybe I should become a train driver. There's something, I can't think, what is something that you won't do? Here's a question for you. You won't watch horror movies. That's true.

[00:12:40] That's the, that's the line. Here's a question. If you're jumping off a pier. Yeah. You know the depth is fine. Right? How long a drop does it need to be before you start getting scared? Oh, so this happened to me. I was jumping off a boat and it was, there was a diving board. So it's a big, big, huge boat. And I jumped off the diving board on the way down. I was like, this is way further than I thought. But then you're, then you're, but I did, I think I did it a few times then. It was so fun.

[00:13:10] It is so fun. But we, we do a, we do a school trip to an adventure center and you always get to jump off a pier after you do the kayaking or whatever. But the pier, there is quite a drop. The drop from the pier is probably 10 or 12 feet, right? That's quite a lot. But, Anya. Yeah. There is a wall at the end of the pier. Yeah. That is about five or six feet high. Okay. And you climb onto that wall. Yeah.

[00:13:39] So now you're looking at like an 18 foot drop. Yeah. Obviously, if you're the teacher and you're so desperate to appear cool in front of the 12 year olds, you have to do that. And it is so scary. Cause hitting water at a pace is tricky. Yeah. Yeah. I wouldn't be doing it with this ankle, this purple ankle. No. And you go in feet first. Like you're not trying to dive. Yeah. I never learned how to dive. No, me neither. So I would, but I do love it.

[00:14:07] And now what I love this, this was in Ibiza and the water is crystal clear, like crystal clear. And it's so beautiful. And you can see the sand is like way down the bottom. So you know, you've a lot, but then there is, but you know, when you go all the way down, you're like, Oh God, like it's quite a journey back up to the thing. But yeah, no, but I, I, I'd be cautious enough for stuff like that. And I, if there's any question, not understanding the depth, I'm not doing it. Oh, I remember it. Well, I don't even know. Should I say this? I remember being someone.

[00:14:52] I think you should bleep out that whole section. Just leave it after. Anyway, off we go. Okay. So, so enjoy the episode about pirates. Oh, pirates. Swimming was last week. Pirates. Um, so yeah, this continues our nautical August and, uh, we've one more to come. And then very soon after that, we'll be coming back to you with a new full season of episodes, starting with an episode about Thomas the Tank Engine.

[00:15:22] So there you go. It's good. It's good stuff. It's good stuff. It's good stuff. It's good stuff. It's good stuff. Okay. Goodbye. Enjoy the episode. Bye. Bye. I wonder, does she have a chemical toilet on her boat here? Does she? Yeah. Yeah. Sea toilet. Yeah. Oh, see. Yeah. I always ask you, is it SEA or a C or S E? Yeah. Like a C section. It's like, it's a, it's a chemical toilet. Caesarean toilet. You just put it in the top of the cistern.

[00:16:04] Ahoy there. And welcome to legitimate likes the podcast where we take a look at some of humanity's most popular fascinations and try to work out, are they really worthy of the hype? They may be likes, but are they legitimate likes? I'm trying to channel my, um, not present co-host will today because he has once again abandoned me for the high seas. He's back on board a ship trying to make strangers laugh.

[00:16:32] And so it's just me on my own here this week, except as you've guessed, I am ably produced by two producers here. Um, Onya and a very energetic, Michael. Michael's just bouncing off the walls, ready to really leap into this and take you all by a storm, like a storm at sea. Well, Onya, Michael, how are you? Hello. Good. Yeah. Um, for the listener, we proceeded this high energy podcast. We're talking about the various naps that we had just taken immediately before this. So, uh, yeah.

[00:17:02] And I was like, oh, I, Michael, you've a little sugary drink to pep yourself up there. Yeah, I do. I do. My, I should say my nap was, was not voluntary really. It sort of just happened to me. So. I have a water here with some, some lemon squash in it, but it's sugar-free. Lemon squash. So like, it's a totally pointless. Yeah. It's a placebo. Endeavor. What's that doing for you? Well, hydrating me, I suppose. Yeah, it's true. Do you not find it very hard to drink massive amounts of water? Like still water? No.

[00:17:31] Remember who you're talking to here. I mean, I, we, I was out with some people last night, including Michael and, uh, someone's just joined the zoom. Michael, you've joined the zoom again. That's me. Yeah. I guess you could say I'm boarding the zoom. Um, I don't know, Anya. I think I had about, I think I had about, uh, 10 pints of water last night. You know? That's probably what you need though. Yeah. On a hot day. Hot summer's day, you know? Yeah. Yeah. Cause I, uh, I've started to, yeah, I keep a, I fill a jug on my desk so I can track the leaders.

[00:18:00] Cause sometimes you realize you just feel terrible and it's because you haven't, I mean, not for you. Sorry. How do you, how are you filling this jug? With, from the top. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. That's fine. That's fine. That's fine. No, Michael. There's two methods. No, no. Give us the other. Well, obviously only is tracking the input. You could track the output, you know, but I just, I'm just glad we know which. I'll never ask that question again. I just, it's good to know. I never thought I'd have to ask it once. What's the story with your, um, face?

[00:18:32] Mike, Michael, for some reason. That's a question I have asked many times. He, whatever light he's sitting in front of it has erased all like any features other than your two little beady eyes. Yeah. Yeah. I know. I don't really know what's happening. I'm sitting directly in the glare. Uh, it's funny though that you asked that question. Cause when I, whenever I go and get my haircut, I got my haircut this week actually only which you pointed out. Um, seconds into the zoom. Not so charitably actually as yeah. Uh, as I joined the zoom call.

[00:18:59] Um, and every, every time I go, they always say, you know, would you like us to trim your eyebrows as well? Yeah. You know, but the last time the way it was phrased was, will I sort out your eyebrows? Which, which, and I always decline, but I wasn't aware that they were, that they required sorting, you know? And you know what the next step is, Michael? Yeah. Ear hair. Yeah. Yeah.

[00:19:27] And finally, do they cover that? Nostril hair. Yeah. Do they look after that for you? Oh yeah. Maybe not the nostrils. The ears though, they would, wouldn't they? Sure. Some old men have absolute fountains of hair growing out of their ears. Yeah. Like when does that happen? It hasn't happened to me yet. Do you guys get any big nostril hairs coming down? Michael, you must. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Not really. I mean, I think everybody has a bit, but that's cause you need to have something.

[00:19:53] It's like, you know, when you go down to an escalator, the way there's that like soft padding. Yeah. You know, you can't just, you couldn't just have two bare nostrils. No. You need that to keep out the. You couldn't have them like water slides. Yeah. Yeah. No. Yeah. You need, you need a bit of. They need to be upholstered. But I feel what tends to happen is there's one, there's one particular hair in the right one that tends to every now and then just, you suddenly realize, Oh God, that's four feet long, you know?

[00:20:20] And also appears to be made of like steel wire, you know? Yes. Yeah, they are. And it's, it's, it's also blacker than the night as well. You know, I guess it's never seen the light of day. The equivalent that I've had is in the hairdressers when they're looking at your hair and they're like, and did you, I didn't think I was gone that gray. They're like, do the, do the greys bother you? Do they? It's like. They do now. They do now. But does anybody, do you, have you ever, like you don't, nobody has ever looked as ugly

[00:20:48] to themselves as you do under the glare of the light in the hairdressers. I don't know if it's the same with the barbers. I don't know. I don't know. I always like whenever I'm going for a haircut, I always leave it like five to six days too long and it really becomes an issue. But then as soon as I sit down, I start, you know, you're there in the, the, the, the, the part where they first comb your hair back. I'm like, I get these pangs of regret. I'm like, no, no. I mean, come on. It's not going to be there forever. You know, enjoy it. Enjoy it while it's around, you know?

[00:21:16] So do you, you, you think you look great in there? You're, you're, you're, you're a lover. Michael thinks he looks great a hundred percent of the time. I just think the lighting is so, yeah. And like that it's usually, you know, the way your hair one day reaches a point where it's gone, it's gone absolutely insane. Yeah. Yeah. It's not by degrees. It's binary. It's, you know, it's okay or it is not. Yeah. Yeah. But you say, you say like speaking of the ugliest you've, you've ever looked, Oh, actually there's an introduction for our producers.

[00:21:43] But speaking of that, like, do you not find, there's nothing worse than a selfie on your phone when your phone cameras turned at you? Why does your face look appalling or is it just me? Do you, do you mean when you go to take a photo of like a coffee or something and then it opens the camera the wrong way? Yeah. That really reassures me. Cause I always think, I think it's a very lonely experience cause you look at it and you think, is this, is this me? Is this, is this it? Like a normal photo of me.

[00:22:10] I'm not, look, no oil painting fine, but at least everything looks like it's reasonably proportioned. Whereas then I, if there's one that I'm taking, like it's so bulbous. One side is, is much bigger than the other, you know? Like there's no symmetry. And do you find you always look kind of sour because you're kind of, you're kind of, it's kind of, you're caught unaware and, or have you ever like accidentally taken a photo of yourself and then you find it on your camera roll, like looking for something else? So you're just like, Oh God.

[00:22:37] What I found once was there was a time when I was cycling to work and this is several years ago. I was in a different job and a fly flew into my eye, like straight into my eye, big old fella. And I knew he was still stuck in the eye and there are different options. You know, when you're trying to get it out at one point, I remember crouching beside a parked van and looking into the mirror, the wing mirror to try and get it out. There was a vets nearby. I was considering going into the vet to ask if I could have a look in there, but obviously

[00:23:06] you can just take a little photo on your phone or a little video on your phone. So I took a video on my phone and obviously to make sure the fly is gone, you need to roll your eye around. I tell you now, when you come upon that video two years later of just your own single eye rolling madly. Do you still have it? Cause I'd love a look. If I find it, we'll put it up for the listeners on the Instagram. If you could set it as your desktop screensaver, that'd really be quite something.

[00:23:36] I work with children, Michael. Do people still have screensavers? Hugh, that's almost the exact same thing happened to me. I was walking along one day and I passed the entrance. And you flew into my eye. I passed the entrance to a house and just as I did, I heard a loud noise and I turned to look at it. And the noise was actually someone firing up a wood chipper. So I turned and looked into the, the, the out vent of a wood chipper and it just shot

[00:24:02] me in the face with, with like bark splinters and stuff. And I had to go straight to an optician and have splinters room for my eye. Did you actually have any splinters though? Or were you just being kind of paranoid? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think that's a good thing. I think that's a good thing to say about today's podcast because last summer, it was a sunny day. My wife and I were walking around, we're on holidays in Ireland and we were walking around

[00:24:32] a country town. And what she didn't realize was when she got out of the car, one of the lenses of her sunglasses had fallen out. So she was, she was walking, she was walking around with one lens in and one lens out. And I, rather than pointing this out to her, allowed her to walk around a country town with, with like this for about 20 minutes. And I just took photos of her. So this is, this is what, what she looked like on the day. You can see that, see that there.

[00:25:02] It's quite the look. I did not notice that. So it's quite the look, but it does, it does, you know, one dark lens in and another, you know, exposed eye makes it look like she's wearing an eye patch, which is cool. Yeah. So yeah. I don't know how we got here. Can I just, before we move on, right? I just want to, speaking of segways, right? I only realize in the last maybe six months that segway is spelt segoo. Segoo. Yeah. So does it have anything to do with segways as in segway tours? No.

[00:25:31] So there's two different words. No, it doesn't. Well, I guess a segway, the vehicle is a means of getting from one place to another. Is that where it comes from? But so how do you pronounce the segway one? Segway? Yeah. But we could, could we come up with, with tours that are quite nondescript and don't really commit to anything and call them vague way tours or, or, or is it spelt bay? Sorry? Vague way. Isn't, you know? No. Segway? Vague? No? Please.

[00:26:00] Please. Pitch it to people, Michael. Pitch it to everyone you meet. Eh, you're going to see some things, you know? Um, I don't really want to say too much about it. You kind of have to be there. You decide for yourself. It's like, I've never confidently been able to write or use segway in a sentence, but this has emboldened me. It's like recently I asked you about how the proper use of an apostrophe, uh, when someone's name ends in S and you want to say that they have something. It's tough one. Yeah. Yeah. You do get beyond a certain, it's an age, right?

[00:26:30] Where you feel like it's inappropriate to ask those questions. Yeah. But Hugh is very much somebody that I feel I can always ask a question of. I wouldn't say the same for you, Michael. No, Michael had lured it over you. That's fair. That is fair. You're right though. You know? Yeah. Um, so Michael, as per that cruel photo that you took of your wife, we are here to talk about pirates. And I think what we mean by pirates is what I discovered is called the golden age of pirates

[00:26:57] and which is the kind of the pirates that we, we know and love from, uh, things like pirates, the Caribbean and they're pirates from between the 1650s and the 1730s. And the reason that that's kind of entered into our minds is that was the, um, uh, maritime primacy, no piracy, maritime piracy, uh, was a really significant thing at the time, uh, because of all the exploring and stuff going on in the Atlantic and Indian ocean.

[00:27:24] So, um, I think that's why it's kind of lodged in our, in our brains a little bit. Um, what we're not talking about, I think is TV piracy and modern piracy, but we may come back to that, to that later. Um, so Michael, are we going to kick off with a quiz? Yeah, sure. Okay. I guess we'll just, we'll just all jump in on this one together here. You're kind of on your own or otherwise. Um, so. That's fine. Question. That's how I prefer it. Question one of three.

[00:27:51] Um, what does a pirate sound like and how long do you think they've sounded like that? It's a vague question that would be suited for our tour, touring company. Forever. Do you mean the kind of Irish adjacent accent? Yes. Yes. So what, what do you think that is and how long has that been around? I think maybe it's from like a film or something maybe.

[00:28:17] Was it that, that, that, that it was first used in a film and that's now become the kind of, uh, no, does it go back to treasure Island? Treasure Island. Oh, as in, as in the book. The most famous book about pirates ever written. I thought you might have talked about that before coming on to produce a podcast. No, not the Muppets film. Shall I? Um, yeah, I think it must be from, because you know, the way, uh, we always have this thing about white Christmases that came from Charles Dickens writing a Christmas carol

[00:28:47] because at that period of time that he wrote it, there was an unusual cold snap and there were a number of white Christmases, but actually it's very unusual. And to have a white Christmas. Anya, sir, for, for, for someone who doesn't know where to put an apostrophe, you're, you're, you're, you're getting very close to the right answer here. Okay. So I am in the, it's something to do with. Hmm. With Dickens. Is it? Oh, did Dickens have any pirates? Nicholas Nickleby. Barnaby Rudge.

[00:29:21] We're Marley and Marley. No, there wasn't two Marley's in the book. I've made a fool of myself. That's a, that's, that's, that's a Muppet, Muppets thing. Um, so is it a, is it book related, Michael? Um, so no, but it's, it's, you're right. That's sort of a, a, a, uh, sort of a popular depiction, uh, of, of, of pirates kind of set, set it up. So, so while it is true, right. So, so the accent that you're hearing is, is a West country accent.

[00:29:50] It's sort of a Hollywood, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, poor Hollywood. Hollywood again. Hollywood. Hollywood. Yes. Uh, so it's not Irish. It's supposed to be West country. And that's where that was, that was associated with pirates for, for a long time. But the, but the reason that everyone thinks that all pirates started that was to do with, um, uh, the actor, Robert Newton, um, who played the main characters in several early pirate movies.

[00:30:17] So treasure Island, the movie in 1950, black beard, the part in 1952, a long John silver in 1954. And he played them all with a classic, uh, and almost comedic, uh, West country. So when I said treasure Island and you looked as though you didn't know what I was talking about, I'd actually answered correctly. Well, well, see, I didn't know what you were talking about. Cause you were talking about the book. No, you're right. I said treasure Island and you'd be like, how could I possibly know what he's talking about?

[00:30:43] I, even though I have the answer treasure Island written down here on my stupid little notepad. So there's no, so the, so there's no, like there's no particular, I didn't mention the book. Go back and check the tapes, Michael. I said, does it go back to treasure Island? And you looked confused and we're like, uh, treasure, treasure, treasure Island. What's the thing that the rugby referees use? The Hawkeye. Yeah. Yeah. Oh no, is that GAA? That is GAA. The whole guy is, is cricket and tennis, but yeah.

[00:31:13] Okay. I think GAA might be called something else, but yeah, we'll, we'll refer it upstairs. Yeah. We'll go. Okay. Yeah. Will is somewhere in a, in a box in the stands. But the, but the, the, the pirate voice that we all have in our head really was created in the 1950s. Um, as opposed to something that's, that's been around since pirates roamed the seas. Okay. One out of one. Well, my, my second question or second question, uh, Hugh is what is the name of the traditionally

[00:31:42] most frightening pirate flag? So I'm wondering, is there a trick question here? So it's, it's the flag. It feels like a trick. It's the flag that depicts the skull and crossbones, the white skull and crossbones on a, on a That's the Jolly Roger flag. Black backing, which is the Jolly Roger. But Onya, so it suggests that that isn't the answer. And yet she says traditionally most scary. So this is something that therefore is known to people.

[00:32:11] It's really taking the questions apart. Onya's now looking confused. Treasure Island. The, so the, the, the Jolly Roger is used and that, that was raised, uh, to, I don't know why they did this to identify themselves as a pirate ship proceeding or during an attack, right? I think it was to get the others to just give up basically. But then, yeah. So then the red flag went up to say, to signify that they were going. So the, the, the flag I'm talking about is called the bloody flag or the bloody red flag.

[00:32:40] And that was what went up when they were really not taking no for an answer. The bloody red flag. I know that, that what it really meant was that no quarter would be given. Um, so that surrender wouldn't be accepted. All prisoners would be killed. And it also meant that the pirate, uh, the pirate ship would, would fight to the last man. Um, so it was just a plain, a plain red flag. So it sounds like there was quite a lot of admin, like somebody was rigging up the Jolly Roger. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

[00:33:13] But I don't understand why they had to identify like why, like there just seems to be, remember we talked about where professional wrestling, there's a lot of helping each other with the moves. Like, I don't, I just can't imagine, but what are those big ships called? Those big kind of old fashioned. Galleons. Pirate. Galleons. Like there just seems to be a lot involved in like slithering up. Like how, like that can't be that easy. Like there must be a lot of waiting. Like the other ship has to kind of wait around for you to politely. Yeah. Do you know what though?

[00:33:42] It's, it's, and again, to go back to the, the, the, the wrestling metaphor, it's psychological. It's more like your entrance music, you know, you're striking, you're striking fear into the heart of, uh, of the crew. So maybe you just give up, you know, you know, it's like, if you ever, if you're ever planning, um, uh, you know, to march with an army somewhere, do it at the end and give everyone two torches to hold. So it looks like you've got twice the number of people that you have. Yeah. Oh, that's where did you hear that? Oh, you know, just in the old mercenary training I picked up.

[00:34:11] Michael, of everyone I know, I think you're the most likely to have read and to actively apply. Is it the art of war in your day to day life? That's fair. I see where you're coming from. Have you read it? Uh, I don't think I've read all of it, but I've definitely dipped into it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Just enough to be dangerous, you know? So yeah. Yeah. A little knowledge. What do you remember from us? There's, there's a lot of stuff about how, um, oh, it's, it's, it's, it's about it. It is.

[00:34:38] There is a lot of stuff about how, how to make your, you know, forces appear stronger, how to make your, uh, your intentions known and therefore have to do less than you, than, than, than you do, you know? So it's a lot of, it is kind of psychological stuff, but, uh, and anticipating your enemy, anticipating the actions of your enemy, et cetera. So yeah. I can see you as a, as a practitioner of Sun Tzu. Yeah. Yeah. I can see you as a general in your cushy little mansion, moving things around on a board,

[00:35:07] but just applying it. Yeah. Wouldn't you love one of those maps of the world with a, with a croupier thing to push around? Yes. I really would. Yes, I would. Michael, I've just Googled, um, a couple of Sun Tzu quotes and yeah, some of our friendship makes sense now. For example, if your opponent is of choleric temper, irritate him. Is that what you've been doing to me for the last 17 years? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I could see where, why we would ask that.

[00:35:36] If you are far from the enemy, make him believe you are near. He's that wouldn't work. You're too small for that, but that's kind of what we're talking about, I suppose. Yeah. Yeah. Pretend inferiority and encourage his arrogance. I mean, I don't think you'd manage that one to be honest. Hmm. Yeah. It's all like a lot of sense. Maybe we should get, maybe we should get one of those big tables. So for, for, for our podcast strategy, you know, like, you know, release the Indiana Jones next week and I could push that, push that forward on the board, you know, and Hugh could,

[00:36:05] you could push it back and be like, no, we'll take them with household chores. Hmm. You have a third question for us, Michael. I do. Okay. This is for both of you. So, Steed Bonnet, which is an amazing name. S-T-E-D-E. Bonnet. Well, first name Steed, second name Bonnet, was an early 18th century English slash Barbadian pirate, also known as the Gentleman Pirate, for the reason that he was a moderately wealthy landowner before turning to a life of crime.

[00:36:36] Why did he decide to become a pirate? Okay. So I'm going to give you, there's, there's a, one reason he, he, he gave for why he turned to a life of piracy. What is it? Option one, he was fed up with his nagging wife. Option two, he was in a feud with the pirate Blackbeard and wanted to pursue him. And option three, he already had a parrot. And so he felt that a pirate life would suit him best. I mean, Michael, a hundred percent made up with the nagging wife thing, because that

[00:37:03] is your sort of feels in keeping with your world view. It's my wheelhouse. Yeah. It's sort of, this is allowing you to say the things you want to say, I think. Yeah. You know? Yeah. The parrot thing is very you as well, but maybe that's you trying to best us. As I always do. And then what year was this, Michael? Uh, yeah, that's what I want to know. This was in the 18th century. And, uh, so 1688 to 1718.

[00:37:31] So the Blackbeard thing would, would add up there, I think, wouldn't it, Hugh? I don't know when he was. I presume he was 1700. Yeah. I think the parrot thing is so ridiculous. I think it's a nagging wife thing. Look, he looks so smug. He thinks that we've, look, look at that face. Look at that. What do you think? Look at that impassive Sphinx-like face. So it's he wanted to get away from his wife. So are you using Israel? I think it's real. Okay. We'll go with that. Guys, you're right. It is. I knew it!

[00:38:02] That is the reason. He says that he was driven to piracy by his wife Mary's nagging and quote, the discomforts he found in a married state. But he, he actually, I think he basically teamed up. He did a collab with Blackbeard and worked together with him. Sorry, say collab again. Collab? Collab. Collab. I thought you were trying to say colon. Collab.

[00:38:33] Collab. Collab. So, yeah. Well done guys. I mean, relatively good I would say. I really are to ward you there. You did. You did. Let your enemy think that you have. That you know the answer to the quizzist. Yeah. And then when he doth, no it's got a bit Shakespeare. Shakespeare. Yeah. Yeah. I'm delighted that we're doing pirates because I just, I think they're terrible. So, I, you know. Oh, shots fired. Shots fired.

[00:39:02] Well, big cannon fired? Big balls. Big balls being hurled across the ocean. Yeah. Yeah. But Hugh, I mean, maybe you should tell us. I mean, what's your opening position on pirates and their place in the world? I feel like those Somalian lads really spoiled things in the last 15 or 20 years, you know? To be clear, you mean the pirates not all the good people of Somalia. The Somalian pirates. To put it in pirate terms, they took it down a peg. Yeah.

[00:39:34] It's hard not to, for someone like me, you know, a born buccaneer, it's hard not to identify with a pirate when one encounters one. Yeah. And like, let's face it, in any pop culture arena, the pirates are pretty cool. Even when they're villains, they're cool, you know? Yeah. And so they've been, look, they've been given, they've been very well looked after. In pop culture over the years. Very well. But yeah, where that came from, I don't know, I guess. I guess it's the life of adventure on the high seas, isn't it?

[00:40:03] They're synonymous with adventure, I think. Yeah. You know? And, um. Yeah. Whereas yeah, in reality, there was a lot of, of, uh, murder and, and robbery. Yeah. Synonymous with, you know, poor nutrition and, uh, cruelty, you know? I think it's because even now, I know one of the big challenges with the, you know, modern piracy is that, you know, so much of it happens in international waters. So they're kind of operating outside the law.

[00:40:26] I think that's one of the reasons that, you know, it's like, they're just living this alternate existence, you know, hunting down doubloons. Are doubloons trousers or a currency? No doubloons are. Trousers could be currency. You're thinking pantaloons. You should, you can imagine my confusion when I try to get dressed in the age, in the 1700s, you know, putting on a pair of doubloons. I think you're thinking of both doublets and pantaloons actually. What are doublets? Doublets are vests. Doublets are vests.

[00:40:54] Doublets are like a rhyming, rhyming doublet or do I mean couplet? That's a couplet. Okay. So you, you say a couplet, you wear a doublet and you spend a doubloon. You pay a doubloon. Yeah. Yeah. It's like Dr. Seuss is here. But if you combined a doublet with a pantaloon, which would be one of those things that people wear? A fisherman trousers. No, I, you know, like a big denim thing that goes over your shoulders, but also a dungarees.

[00:41:24] Dungarees. Dungarees. Like, I guess a doubloon could be. What are those clothes that those funny little people wear? Have you ever worn a pair of dungarees, Michael? So, so this is actually, and I've been on record about this for a number of years. They've really scratched an earth here. Definitely when I was a child. Yes. And they were always a favorite thing to wear. But as an adult, you, you never, unless you're, you know, you're genuine, like a mechanic in the Western United States. Or a zany art teacher in a novel.

[00:41:55] Yeah. But you can't, you don't, men don't get away with wearing them. And I think that's a shame because it's a great item of clothing because it's a single item of clothing. And even the dungarees shorts, you know, I feel they've made a bit of a comeback recently. Yeah. And Michael, would you want to wear, if you were wearing dungarees, would you wear like just dungarees? So no shirt underneath. Yeah. Yeah. Sort of Shane Lynch and Boyville style. Just the straps going over your... Like one, one side undone. Yeah. Sort of a dungaree off the shoulder. One dripping off. Yeah.

[00:42:24] A little black dungaree. If you did that, I think you'd look a bit like a little, you know, like a scarecrow. No, like, like a... Yeah. Yeah. I don't, I don't... Yeah. Look, I will agree that I'm not, I'm not going to be the person who brings dungarees back for men. Okay. But you know, maybe somebody could, and then we could, you would get it. We could all enjoy them because they're a great garment, you know? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I haven't thought about dungarees in a long time.

[00:42:51] The only thing is there's, you know, yeah, you're kind of strapped into them. Do you know what I mean? It's... Yeah. Yeah. However, there are toilet issues. Yeah. No, sorry. I just have a formative memory as a child of not making it to the bathroom because I couldn't take, I couldn't unhook the dungaree things off. Oh gosh. And I was in a crash at the time. And then, and then you kind of have to in a business like fashion, go to the adult in charge, be like, look, this is what's happened.

[00:43:22] Can you... Can you help? Can you assist? Yeah. Can you please go to the little, the dresser with the spare change of towels? I've escalated it. I've escalated it. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I don't think it escalated. That's true. That's true. Uh, no, but on you, um, so the dungarees I'm currently most familiar with are the ones that, uh, you know, are one year old wares and they are fully buttonable open, uh, from, from, from basically all angles. But you know what?

[00:43:50] All clothes should have a little button patch. Yeah. Where, where it's right. From, from, from ankle right up to, to, to groin and back down to the other ankle. That's basically the way. Do you, do you button yourself up into a suit every day? Like if somebody brushes past you on the lips. No, do you wear like tear away trousers, Michael? Yeah, I think if you've got one of those, you're, you're a stripper. You know, like I think that's a, you know. Can I ask Michael, do you wear sock suspenders? What, like just William?

[00:44:21] No, you know, like, you know, like the, the kind of eighties, you know, Gordon Gekko style who definitely. Have you ever worn those, Michael? Like you want to. I've never worn socks suspenders, but I'm always wondering. Wanted to. No, but like, so like, so like, suspenders that are on trousers, they are supported by the fact that they loop up and over your shoulders, where suspenders that are on your legs, they're just higher up on your leg. Like what is the thing that they're, they're catching on to? I guess they're, I guess they're strapped onto your calf muscle. Michael, do you really want to know?

[00:44:52] I guess it's your, the tautness of the calf muscle, I think. So, okay. So you have to go around tensing your calves or otherwise your socks fall off and possibly they're possibly elasticated and there's quite tense, a lot of tension built up. So your socks fly off. Yeah. Have you ever worn braces? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not, not, not, not recently though. Not for like, not, not for work. I wouldn't wear braces with a suit, but like, uh. For what purpose? But have you worn them as an adult? No, I don't think as an adult, but I'd say it's probably like, I don't know, you'd

[00:45:22] probably wear braces up to what? Like 14, 15, you know what I mean? I can imagine going to like a. You did not wear braces at 14. Not, not regularly. Did you? Sorry, no, so you're, you're, you're, you're in school. Like you're someone who's sitting state examinations and you were wearing braces. I think like. Michael. Let's say you're going to like a summer wedding. How, you know. How were you ever not bullied? Well. They felt they pitied him. They pitied him. I mean, they just, I mean. Maybe that's it.

[00:45:52] They couldn't work him out. Yeah. It was me applying my son Sue, you know. You must, sorry. I must appear weak. How many summer weddings were you invited to at 13? Summer weddings. Soirees, midsummer parties, get togethers, you know, things like that. Book launches. Were you traveling around Italy with an elderly aunt? Hang on now. Is that not the plot of the witches? Were you a little mouse with your granny? I was going in a room with a view, but. Oh, were you? Oh, sorry. Yeah. I haven't read it. I haven't read it.

[00:46:22] Oh, that's such a you book on you. You'd love that. Would I? Yeah, absolutely. I always mix it up in my head with the English gardener and what's the one about the butler? The remains of the day. The remains of the day. Well, that's great as well. But you'd love, oh, room of the view, Ian Forster put on the list for this summer. It's a romp. Is it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. 100%. But is it about a weird little boy going around with his aunt? No, it's a woman. It's a girl who goes to Italy.

[00:46:48] You know when, you know the finer things club in the office? Oh, yeah. That's the book they're talking about the first time around. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, okay. I'll put it on the list. And then there's a film, there's a film which has like Helena Bonham Carter, Rupert Gray, Simon Callow, Ray Fiennes as well, like everyone. It's amazing. Daniel Day-Lewis. Yeah. Okay. Great. Will Reed. So you know that some kids are into dinosaurs and some kids are into space and stuff.

[00:47:17] So I think pirates is kind of occupies, like some kids love pirates. Yeah. And maybe people who are a little bit younger than us, Pirates of the Caribbean would have been like the movies of their childhood. Yeah. But I definitely don't really feel that was a thing for us. Was it? Maybe Peter Pan a little bit? Or Hook? When we were small. The thing about the pirates is it's really interesting because I, so I read a great series of books. My favorite ever series of books called Red Wall by Brian Jakes. And a lot of that there was some of it was on land and then there'd always be all these

[00:47:46] adventures that would happen out at sea as well. And you'd have the bad pirates, the Corsairs. Yeah. But you'd also have like some of the good characters would be like kind of pirates, but they'd be real more, yeah, kind of buccaneers, kind of roustabouts, kind of, you know, just More your, what's, Reepicheeps from Narnia. That sort of. Reepicheep from Narnia. Yeah. Like sailing close to the wind, but you know, ultimately. Adventurers. Explorers. Yeah. But I think you're right, Anya, about it.

[00:48:15] Sort of, it does occupy a space, but I think it's more to do with, I don't think it's a phase that you go through. It's more that pirates occupy the same space as like ninjas or cowboys or, you know what I mean? It's that type of thing. It's like, it's almost such an adjective that you, if you apply it to another story, makes it cooler. You know? Like if you have an adventure and it's a pirate adventure, that's fun. But I guess it is interesting that pirates, pirates are the only one of those that are

[00:48:45] by definition criminals, you know? Yeah. Yeah. Well, yes. Depending. There were some pirates that were tolerated though, you know, and were supported. That's not the same thing. There are criminals that are tolerated, Michael. No, but I mean, there were like, there were pirates that the, you know, the English crown gave letters to saying, go off, do it, do what you gotta do, you know? Sure.

[00:49:11] But then by definition, they're no longer a pirate in the eyes of England. Of England, but in the eyes of everyone else. Yes. Yeah, exactly. But so, so my understanding of the classic pirate is like the three of us just decide we've had it with living within the confines of the law and we're going to go and just get what's, like it's high, it's like highway robbers. Is that what they're, you know? Like it's your, your. Yeah. We've had, we've had enough of that living under the yoke that will has set up for us, you know? Yeah. Yeah.

[00:49:41] Eggie, eggie yoke. Yeah. Yeah. See, my other concern is right. So we talked about Reep Achieve there in Nardia that the Dawn Treader, I don't know if anyone's read it. And that always sounded lovely. So you'd be in your little cabin at night, you had a portal. There was a friendly rat bringing you your dinner and that all sounded great. And, but the, the, the life on a pirate ship sounds very brutal and miserable. And, you know, I don't know that there was much relaxing, you know, you know,

[00:50:10] Will is on a cruise at the moment. And I, you know, if he had to periodically, I don't know, fight other ships, like that doesn't sound. Yeah. And I think you were probably only ever one good argument or one tantrum away from ending up down in the oarlocks with the rest of the slaves, you know? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And a very hierarchical structure as well. Yeah. Well, I think it is. It's a, it's more, I would say pirates are less of a fantasy.

[00:50:38] I think fantasy is something that you want to sort of place yourself into, whereas pirates are more of a device for a story. Do you know what I mean? And so, Michael, what would your number one fantasy be and what devices do you need to help you achieve it? I mean, I'm only rephrasing your own question. Yeah, it's true. Yeah. I'd say the jungarees. Wow. Wow. And the tearaway trousers. My word. My word. I don't know.

[00:51:06] But at least like the life of like a musketeer wouldn't have had to be an unpleasant one. But like the life of a pirate definitely was, you know, even if we were good at it, you know? And Onya, you mentioned us sort of heading off to sea. So how do you envision our pirate ship? I mean, do we start off as a, as a triumvirate, as a Troika? Well, actually it's interesting. We're going to power share. On pirate ships, I think there would have been captains and quartermasters, but I think they possibly had the same level of authority.

[00:51:35] So the quartermaster could veto the captain's decisions. Yeah. So I think we'd head out with great intentions. So the quartermaster is in charge of supplies. Is that right? I mean, I read a Wikipedia article earlier, you know? I'm trying to still that down. Yeah. Back in your box, Hugh. Yeah. You know, I know, I know a little something here. Yeah. One is 30 seconds ahead of you. But I mean, I suppose by the nature of pirates, I mean, you're, you're all going out to try and make your fortune. So I think there will be a lot of big egos, you know what I mean? Yeah.

[00:52:04] And I think we'd all very... Yeah. And again, the only reason, the captain is ruling by, by strength and fear, most likely, you know? Yeah. And it's a challenge. So like, look guys, I'm captain, obviously. Okay. The question is, who's my first mate? You know, who's my cabin boy? I think, I think we would actually be happy to have you as captain, Michael, and just try and run things in the background. When you were in there in the cabin in your dungarees, you know? I could see myself as a very, you know, efficient figurehead. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

[00:52:33] I think you'd probably come out and you'd give the orders and then you'd flounce back in and we'd sort of be like, all right, well, we're doing this, aren't we? What would I, what would I be? I'd probably be, they'd probably call me like Black Mick or something like that. They were all black, weren't they? It was all, it was all black this, black that, you know? Wasn't it? Oh, gosh. What? What? Yeah. Yeah. There must be some way of getting there. I'd say they'd probably be more like, what about?

[00:53:02] Well, I'd be the first pirate who was just called Caucasian Michael. Like, I was gonna say Lil Mike. Lil Mike. Or, or Bold Beard. No beard. Yeah. Lack beard. My God, I have a pirate name generator free here, okay? Lack beard. And this tells me that you'd be dead man lobster legs. Sorry.

[00:53:32] Sorry, go on. You apparently would be dead, dead made lobster legs. The funny thing is, I love a lobster leg. You know? It's delicious. You would be, you would be old Mac Stinky. Yeah. And I would be, Captain Bart. And Will would be Rapscallion. Sea-backed Montefiore.

[00:54:01] So is that just putting in our first name and surname into a generator and see what it's That's not a very good one, is it? Oh, I'm not sure how legitimate that is. Michael, here's one I can do for you. I need to do a short quiz with you, okay? For your name, okay? Okay. What's your favourite movie about pirates? Is it Hook the Goonies, Pirates of the Caribbean or The Princess Bride? Do you know what? I'd like to go with one of the others, but Pirates of the Caribbean is very, it's a lot of fun. That's my pick. It's a great film. Okay. So, if you couldn't be captain, what job would you pick at sea?

[00:54:29] First mate, gunner, quartermaster or navigator? Navigator. Oh, navigator. Definitely. You get an office? Yeah, definitely. An office. I think it's called a cabin. An office. Mine would be more of an office, but that's okay. Okay. Open plan. I've got a standing desk. What would be your most prized possession from your treasure? Gold coins, diamonds, a map leading to Blackbeard's hidden treasure or silver? I mean, diamonds. I'd rather have, it's a bird in the hand.

[00:54:58] Why would you want a map to hidden treasure when you could just pick treasure? When you could just have treasure. Yeah. Okay. So, when it comes to the ocean, what's your experience being out at sea? Is it A, every summer we're booking a cruise? B, I love spending time on my boat? C, better get the Dramamine ready? Or D, I've only seen water on the big screen? You definitely get seasick. Dramamine. Yeah, probably. I'm not as hardy as I'd like to think. No. Okay. Which of the following would you like your ship to be called?

[00:55:27] Queen Anne's Revenge. Oh, are these types of ships? Types of ships. Queen Anne's Revenge. Man o' War. A galleon. Or a frigate. I'll pick frigate, please, Carol. Okay. I'll have one a few more. Which of these would most improve your life? Saving more money. Learning a new skill. Protecting yourself online. Taking a trip. Learning a new language. Or getting HBO. This is a weird quiz. I feel like we're into ads now. Yeah.

[00:55:56] I'm like, you will be a pirate with a subscription to HBO Max. Have you thought about hair transplants? Learning a new language would be better for you. Yeah. That would. Yeah. Okay. We're nearly there. Which language would you like to speak? Spanish, French, Chinese or Chinese? You're just gonna send me a link to Duolingo. You're a modern man. It's Chinese, isn't it? It's Chinese, it is. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Okay. We're back in. Nevermind. Okay. After being mutinied.

[00:56:26] What have you signed up for? Yeah. Once you've turned broadband speed. After being mutinied on your pirate ship, you're left to die on an island with one other person. Would you like that person to be Keira Knightley, Joe Biden, Johnny Depp or Scarlett Johansson? And I have to, sorry, do I have to kill them? No, no. Just the two of you on an island. Oh no, you can. Who knows what happened? Keira Knightley, Scarlett Johansson. Joe Biden. Joe Biden. Yeah. Johnny Depp or Scarlett Johansson. Oh, Johnny Depp. You know? We get on famously.

[00:56:55] You could be there forever. Johnny Depp. Great chap, I would say. Who would you pick you? I mean, he's a very problematic individual at this stage. Do you think Johnny Depp is a good guy? Well, it just means that if a boat comes by and they only have room to rescue one person, they're probably gonna pick me, whereas if it's Scar Jo, they'd take it her, you know? Okay. Now, what weapon would you like, Michael? Yeah, I think, you see, I would pick Joe Biden, except as we know, there's a real risk that a year in he'd die and Kamala Harris would come to replace him, you know?

[00:57:25] Okay, Michael, what weapon would you like? Cutlass, blunderbuss, boarding axe or a musket? A boarding axe? That sounds like fun. Yeah, I'll take a boarding axe, please. Now, who's your favourite pirate? Blackbird, Captain Morgan, Calico Jack or Captain Kid? Don't know who they are. Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, did you say Blackbird? I'll pick Blackbird. Blackbeard. Blackbeard. I'll pick Blackbird. Blackbeard singing in the dead of night. Blackbird.

[00:57:53] Okay, what would your favourite, what would your favourite shanty be? Take these golden coins and learn to kill. Sorry? Your favourite shanty, Michael, to sing when things get boring. Oh, Yo-Ho-Ho and a Barrel of Rum. No, we don't have them. We'd blow the man down. Drunken sailor, leave her Johnny or roll the old chariot. Leave her Johnny. I'll pick leave her Johnny. Okay, and our last one, sorry. Leave her Johnny. Now, how would you consider your overall temper when facing a confrontation with another person?

[00:58:22] Cool, calm and collected. As soon as hands go up, I am swinging. Show no mercy or run. I know the answer to this. I think we should answer this, Anya. Yeah. Show no mercy. Show no mercy, but in a very tight, controlled way. Okay, so your pirate name, after all that, okay, it's calculating. I'm so sorry. I thought it was the same lobster legs thing again. Yeah. Okay, click to get your results.

[00:58:49] Okay, take this short survey to see your results. I thought we just did. What's the survey about? And now it wants my email address. Let's skip this step. Okay. Cleaning up. Analyzing responses. The AI has really come up. Your pirate name, Michael. Squid Lips Jim. I'm so sorry. I thought that would be a short bit.

[00:59:18] I don't know what I've signed up for. Squid Lips. On your note, let's say this ship where Michael is the captain. Squid Lips Jim. Yeah. Squid Lips Jim over here. What role are you taking on? Obviously, we don't have Will here. Now, if Will were here, he would say he would want to be the cook in the galley. And obviously, he's a very good cook. But I actually think you'd be a good ship's cook. No, I wouldn't. I guess it's frustrating. Bustling around the galley. And you'd probably take on... Like there'd be a little wounded animal or something.

[00:59:47] Then you'd care for them with a bit of soup or something. You'd have a cat in there. Yeah. I'm saying you're a nice person. Yeah, but you guys get to go off the adventures and I'm at home cleaning the galley. No. You're absolutely right. We'd be sailing around. It's not clean. What role would you like? Would you like first mate? No, I'd like to be like, is there like, who sings the shanties? Or who kind of... Who's on entertainment? Like could I do a show? I mean that's literally what Will is doing at the moment. Yeah. As we speak. But okay.

[01:00:17] Okay, so Will cooks and you do the entertainment. Yeah. Or I'd like to be involved in the adventures. Like I'd like to be up, you know, on the stern. The bow? The bow. We send you up to the rigging, to the crow's nest. Oh, I wouldn't like that at all. I wouldn't like that at all. No, no, no. I'd like to be, be just sort of pottering around, getting everyone all riled up when we're getting going. You know what I mean? Yeah. And I'd love to be kind of stirring up the scuttlebutt. Oh yeah. Yeah. You would. You'd be running in and out. I bet now, would you be snitching into old squid lips there? Oh yeah.

[01:00:47] I'd be like, you'll never believe what Will is saying down the galley. You'll never believe it. You'll never believe it. You'll never believe it. He's not very impressed with what you are doing. And then Michael would get very tight and upset. Yeah. And then Michael, you always do this thing when you're upset or annoyed, where your eyes sort of shift, shift kind of out of focus. And you can tell that you were, you were mentally leafing through Sun Tzu's art of war. Yeah. Making your plans, you know. So Anya'd be, Anya'd be slipping into the cabin saying, ah, do you know who needs a dagger

[01:01:16] between his ribs tonight? Dagger twixt his ribs tonight probably. Hugh, I don't know what you'd be doing. I think you'd be a bit- Cabin boy. Um, well, making the beds and, is that what they do? Just general dog's body, I guess. Sent up the rigging every now and then probably, but not actually trusted to be in the crow's nest. You'd love wiggling up the rigging, I'd say. I actually would. Yeah, I think I would like it. Yeah, I think, I think, I think you'd, you'd, you'd really enjoy the physical labors of life at sea. Like, I think you'd, I would, I would hate it.

[01:01:44] I'd moan, I'd always try to pawn off my jobs with other people. Um, I, I, I, you know what I tried to do is, you know, when everyone, when the bloody red flag went up and everyone kind of hopped onto their boat, I just sort of skulked back to my cabin and wait until everything was over. Yeah. See, I think I probably would do, I'd stay up in the rigging. I'd pretend I hadn't heard. You know? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So actually it would happen. Michael would be up in his office. Willoughby in the galley cooking. I'd be hiding in my cabin. You'd be up the rigging. We'd never do any fighting.

[01:02:12] Our ship would just be, would just be rolling listlessly about the seas. Yeah. You'd be constantly looking for a plug on you to charge your phone. Or the wifi code. Be like, I've only 3%, but. Yeah. You'd be making it last, you know? Yeah. Yeah. I don't understand. Like, why am I, why does that always happen to me? Like, why does everyone else's phone always just last for ages? What's wrong with me? I don't know. You see, I don't know is this fair? Because I was going to say you're not good at planning things. But you see, that's not true.

[01:02:42] You're a much better planner than I am. Yeah. But maybe in the basic practicalities of life. Yeah. Maybe you don't plan. You don't look ahead, you know? Which is a good way to be. Yeah. I think, I think I have improved a lot. I think I have improved. That's probably not the answer she was looking for. You know? No. No. I think it's just you don't leave your house much anymore, you know? So you don't have to be plugging your phones in in bars all the time. Well, maybe it's good about... Sorry, that makes you sound like a 50s bar fly, you know? Yeah.

[01:03:09] Like one of those men who's always, why a man? Why a man? Why a man? Why do I make myself a man? You do always identify yourself as a businessman from a certain decade. Yeah. I think it's just because, not to go all will, but there's not very many positive female role models in media. Yeah. Well, I mean, that's very true. Although, I'm not sure that the sad man sitting at a bar in a different city every night is the positive role model you think it is. Yeah. Is bar fly meant to be a good thing?

[01:03:38] I don't think so. No, I don't think so. Jailbird. Why is that a man and not a woman? A jailbird is anyone. Yeah. Oh, is it? Yeah. And why are both of them wing it? Well, I think it's just... Yeah, I don't know why they added bar on. Because you're in flight from jail. You've flown the coop. Oh, I thought a jailbird was somebody in jail. Yeah, I think it's... Oh, maybe it is. Okay. I don't really know, to be honest.

[01:04:08] Did you think it was an escapee? I thought it was, yeah, but now you're making me doubt myself. Yeah. Yeah, you don't like that at all, they'd say? No. In... We should... I was gonna say we should do an episode on prisons, but that's probably gonna be a tough sell. But only, like, in a prison would, you know, do you think, again, would you be kind of bustling around, snitching to the guards? Or, like, what would your role be there? Just stirring it up a little bit, yeah. But, like, you know, not... Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

[01:04:37] Yeah, yeah, definitely, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think we might all be snitches, actually. I think we're all snitches. We're all snitching on each other, yeah. I think we all have a horrible snitchy quality, don't we? Yeah, we do, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I've kind of come round on the pirate thing. I mean, if you could guarantee that there was gonna be a certain level of standard of living on the boat, Michael, you know, you're the captain, you know? Yeah. And would you be... Yeah, but you see, Anya, I think on the right ship, you know, you dip in for a swim in the morning, you know? Yeah. Are you thinking more super yacht? Is that...

[01:05:07] Yeah, yeah, I think so. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, game of tennis in the afternoon. Yeah, sort of a hot tub up on a big deck. And then, you know, a chopper into Nassau for lunch, you know? Yeah, see, if we were in the Caribbean, that's lovely, but I don't want to be kicking around the Atlantic. Yeah. Like, the North Atlantic. No. The duty-free deck is now open. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now, what do you make of modern pirates? Like, that's terrible, but why do we think that's so bad, but we think it's just gas to be an old-time pirate?

[01:05:35] Well, this is the thing, I guess, like, we romanticize historical pirates, but the reality is they're just criminals at sea, and there were loads of criminals like them through history that we don't romanticize. And that is kind of thrown into sharp relief by what's happening today. But that's not really true, because we do romanticize, like, highway robbers, and that's cool, right? Yeah, I think it's all about distance, you know?

[01:05:58] It's like, you know, the fact that we can see, again, you look at conquerors, you look at Alexander the Great, you look at Julius Caesar, you know, even someone like Genghis Khan. Yeah. And there's so much, we know they did bad things, but there's an awful lot of admiration for, like, the incredible tactical genius and stuff like that. Whereas we don't talk that way about Hitler, you know?

[01:06:21] And I think it's still because, I mean, and I'm not saying they're identical, but a large part of it is there are people in the world today whose lives have been destroyed by Hitler, you know? And there are people in the world today whose lives have been destroyed by pirates, I guess, by modern pirates, you know? He was also a bit of an idiot, though, right? Do you know what I mean? Whereas, like... Hitler. Yeah. Is that your take on Hitler? Bumbling idiot. A bit of an idiot. In terms of his military strategy, he was famously poor, you know?

[01:06:51] Oh my gosh. I mean, he ran a pretty successful campaign for a very long time, but... He... Not so much him, though. That's the thing. Whenever he stepped in, it got messed up, you know? It was his guys, you know? They were the real heroes. Is that what you were saying? Justice for Goebbels. Definitively not what I'm saying. No, it was like Rommel and... What's the tank guy? I can't remember the tank guy. I didn't know Rommel was one of the baddies.

[01:07:19] I thought he was an American general until this second. No, no. He was fighting down in Africa. Ernst Rommel. Yeah. Yeah. He's from Indiana. Yeah. Just that, though. It sounds like... Yeah. Yeah. Guys, I've got some questions for you, okay? So, recently, I had calls to be in the adult romantic fiction section of a public library, okay?

[01:07:44] And it struck me, because I was sort of preparing for this episode in the back of my mind, and it struck me that... Sorry, when you say adult, do you mean adult? I mean adult romantic fiction. Okay. So, stop, Michael. Talk us through the day. So, I woke up. Alone. I went to the library. I've gone. And I went... Why? No, why did you go to the library? No, no, this was actually... It's a... You know, kids love libraries, you know? Not that section.

[01:08:13] Daddy loves the library as well. So, they were pottering away in the library, and I'm just wandering around, just sort of biding my time. And I struck upon the gold mine that was the adult romantic fiction section. And it struck me that it is quite hard to distinguish the titles of some of these books from the names of pirate ships, okay? Okay. So, I'm going to give you a name, and you have to tell me if it's a pirate ship or an adult fiction title, okay? Okay.

[01:08:43] Satisfaction. Satisfaction. Ship or book? Book. That does sound a bit like, you know, the way American towns are called things like Providence and... I can't think of the second one. Hugh, give us one. Satisfaction. Or forbearance or something. I think that could be a pirate ship. Temperance. Temperance, yeah. Virginia. No, Virginia's not really... Give us... I think maybe it's a pirate ship. I think it's a book.

[01:09:13] Anya? Satisfaction. Was Henry Morgan's flagship. Well done. Well done. You're right. Was a ship. We still don't know if that means it's a book or a ship. Yeah. Oh, no. It's a ship. It's a ship. It was a real ship. Okay. The purest of diamonds. Book. Book. Book. Book or ship, Hugh? Question is, are we... Is he... Is he... And now I'm trying to think his tactics as to how he alternates them. Uh, ship. The purest of diamonds. As a book.

[01:09:43] Yes. This sounds like I've just read all of these. Sorry, club. Yeah, who would have guessed it? Anya's better at soft porn than I am. Um, the untamed Argentinian. Book. Book or ship? It's your line manager, Michael, isn't it? Uh, book or ship. Uh, the untamed Argentinian. Um, uh, what did Onya say? I'll just keep going the opposite of Onya.

[01:10:13] It's the only way I can come back. Ship. Onya's got it again. It's a ship. It's a... Uh, no, it's a book. It's a book. It's a book. Okay. Three for three. Bachelor's Delight. Has to be a book. Okay, I'll go ship then. Bachelor's Delight is a ship. What? Yeah, it is. But this sounds like a ship that, like, a Floridian millionaire would have. Like, a little boat. No, that's... It's a real pirate ship. It was the ship of William Dampier. Dampier? Bachelor's Delight. Um...

[01:10:42] Bachelor's Dampier. Um... The Wicked Wench. Book. Ship. Is that an adult fiction title or ship? She's... I'm going opposite Onya every time. Book. The Wicked Wench is actually... Now, this one is actually fictional, but it is one of the ships in Pirates of the Caribbean. Um... Beloved Castaway. Oh, book. Ship or book? Book. Romantic book. Ship. I think... Actually, no. Hold on.

[01:11:12] I think it's a book, too. I think it's a book, too. I'm too close now. Book. Uh, that is a book. That is a book. Okay, I'm one behind. Um... The... The Viking Stranger. Ship. Ship or book? Book. Ship. I can even picture what the cover of this would be like. Yeah, yeah. Uh, no, that is actually a book. That's... That is a book. Um, I mean, I could go on here. There's a... Oh, give us some more. Give us some more.

[01:11:42] Give us some more. The Troubadour... Book. Ship. Can you picture... What does the cover of the Troubadour look like, Anya? The Troubadour's doubloons. The Troubadour looks... It would be like a man in, like, with long hair. Yeah. And he's leaning back. Yeah. And he has a wench in his arms. Okay, okay. And she's kind of buxom. And, uh, in the background there's like kind of a... Uh, like a sunset and a big boat. Yeah. Yeah.

[01:12:09] But possibly in the distance is a scorned woman looking on... Michael, can I tell you what I'm visualizing here? It's not the cover of a book, right? It's... I'm picturing myself as being the librarian. And seeing what looks like just a tottering pile of books with legs underneath it. Making its way towards me. And then someone just saying, can I get all of these, please? Which was your favorite? A Troubadour is a composer of lyrical poetry in the high Middle Ages. I thought it was a scorned pirate.

[01:12:39] Uh, well, in this case, it was a ship as well. Okay, never mind. Um, yeah. So, I mean, delightful. Delightful. Uh, I... Delightful, delightful. Is that Booker ship? Uh, Onya, what would the name of our ship be? Our pirate ship? Squidlip's Jim ship. Um, um, well, I could take from my adult fiction, we could be called the English boss.

[01:13:09] I don't like that. We could be, we could be the Troubadour's doublets. Legitimate strikes. Legitimate strikes. Uh, the Troubadour's pantaloons. The, the, the captain's tassels. Hugh, I was telling Michael earlier, I was trying to workshop some jokes for this, and the only one I could come up with was trying to sing Cutlass. To the tune of Footloose. Um, I, I really tried to make something. Cutlass!

[01:13:39] Cutlass! Everybody's getting cutlass! Yeah, it's not. Do you know, Onya, I've, I think I've another image of what might happen to you on board the pirate ship. I think you'd keep accidentally, but unerringly killing, like, albatrosses and porpoises and all the animals that are meant to bring us bad luck. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You wouldn't mean to. Women are bad luck on boats, as are redheads.

[01:14:04] I'm not a redhead, but, you know, uh, so there's, you know, there's a lot of, a lot of weird traditions for the seafaring people, isn't there? Yeah, yeah. Uh, you know cannons, right? Yeah. Yeah. So, when the, is the cannonball what does the damage, or is it, does the cannonball explode? Or do you have to find all the cannonballs at the end and reload them in the cannon? Yeah, the cannonball is just a big old metal ball. So that's what does the damage. And then the gunpowder explodes and fires the cannonball at the other ship. But do you, is it like golf balls?

[01:14:32] Does someone go out and collect them all at the end? Uh, it's a good question. There's probably a lot of cannonballs at the bottom of the sea, you know? But yeah, I don't know, is there a guy with a little truck that drives around, do you mean? Ike, that could be my job. Is that like a less optimistic version of there's plenty of fish in the sea? There's a lot of cannonballs at the bottom of the sea. There's a lot of cannonballs out there as well. Yeah, that's kind of my approach to dating, all right? Hugh, do you remember you used to do a lot of business, buying and selling golf balls at the side of the road? Buying mainly, yeah. Yeah, I wasn't really a seller.

[01:15:02] But yeah, Derek used to, used to meet him. And he's, he's, you know, no questions asked, paying cash. And he'd give me a box or two of balls, you know? Yeah. And you're right, because every now and then I'd be, particularly when we worked together and be like, I'm just nipping out to see my man. Man up in some balls. Yeah. And did, so I always thought you sold them as well. I had this image in my head that you were collecting them and you'd have to try and get a set.

[01:15:30] That Hugh was making a market in secondhand golf balls. Yeah, that's what I thought. Listen, it's a big market. Is it? Yeah. Guys, I think I'm going to push it towards final judgments on pirates. I mean... There's only one final judgment to be made. The final judgment could be the name of our boat. Ship. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Hugh, what do you think?

[01:15:54] Look, the risk of calling pirates a legitimate like is that it's seen as, I guess, validating or even just ignoring, turning a blind eye to the devastation that modern day pirates cause. But I think that's just a risk I'm willing to take. You know, they might've done bad things, but they're cool. And they sang songs and they just had style. You know, ultimately you can do a lot if you've got style and that's what they had.

[01:16:22] So I'm going to say pirates are legitimate like. Right. How did you get your name squid lips, Michael? Whenever he went on dates, he'd always get two things of calamari and pretend they were his mouth. Like with Pringles. It's a move. You want them to see your light side, you know? They're all squid lips. Before you hit them with a sun tzu. Yeah. Wouldn't you only need one? Doesn't calamari come in a little ring? Yeah, but you have two rings. Two rings and then you flap them around. Okay.

[01:16:52] Or you could press one calamari in half. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Well, I think it's one calamarus. Calamari. Anya, how would you have voted if you had to? You came on quite anti-pirates, I feel. I don't really. Not a legitimate like for me. I don't think they're worth the hype. It's not the most exciting of those. I don't care. I don't. Yeah, no. Not for me. Not for me. Michael?

[01:17:21] Yeah, not for me. No, not for me. Because, as you say, even the phrase, the golden age of piracy, like we don't talk about the golden age of, you know, cannibalism or the, you know, like we don't talk about the golden age of other bad things. And I think they're overly celebrated for what were, you know, not a nice thing to be and not a nice thing to come across. That's my verdict on pirates. So, not an idea. You sound, Michael, that's a very teacher approach. Yeah. You know? Yeah. It's not smart and it's not funny.

[01:17:52] Yeah, yeah. You're only wasting your own time being a pirate. They've embarrassed their school and they've embarrassed themselves. Yeah. Yeah. Well, unfortunately for you two, it's one man, one vote today. So, yeah, pirates are legitimate like. You've given no quarter. Chalk them up on the slate. Given no quarter. Shown no mercy. I've run up the Jolly Roger and... Do you know what I found out, guys, in the course of my research? Now, this guy actually wasn't a pirate. I don't really know how I got onto this, but you know the way Wikipedia takes you off on.

[01:18:22] Whatever. So, the first British governor, one of the first British governors of India in the 1740s, okay? In the 1740s, okay? So, this is like pre-British Empire in India. He had a pet tortoise that died in 2006. Isn't that amazing? That cannot be true. Isn't it amazing? How old was the tortoise? I want sources, Michael.

[01:18:50] I think it was Clive of India was his name. Yeah. The man or the tortoise? The man, actually, yeah. So, it was Robert Clive and he was born in 1725, died in 1774. And if you check, I think, I think, yeah.

[01:19:16] If you check the Wikipedia section under his legacy, you'll find out that his pet Aldabra giant tortoise died on the 23rd of March 2006 in the Calcutta Zoo. And he was 255 years old. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. That's pretty great. Do you want to hear what his diet was? Just if anyone's interested in some tips for longevity. Yes. Wheat bran, carrots, lettuce, chickpeas, bread, grass and salt, which I actually think is Hugh's diet. Yeah. Yeah.

[01:19:46] To be honest, yeah. It's kind of a mixture of me and Will, isn't it? And do you know how he died? His shell cracked. Oh. Yeah. That's nuts. Get infected, did it? And he got an infection, yeah. And he got liver failure. But I mean, 255 is a pretty good innings, I suppose. I wonder how long he would have gone on for otherwise, yeah. That is absolutely... It's marvellous, isn't it? In the truest sense, yeah. I wonder what sort of bread he does. I wonder, does he have a little starter that he makes his own bread from? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

[01:20:16] You have a lot in common. I mean, you've slightly tortoise like quality, Hugh. Yeah. Thank you. I would say that's correct. Yeah, I sort of retreat into myself. Hard exterior, but prone to infection if it's cracked. Yeah. Leathery little head. Yeah. Pointy beak. Yeah. Consistent diet. Well, listeners, if you have a... What would you call it? Like a duocentennial tortoise as a pet, please let us know.

[01:20:46] Yeah. We'll... Or if you have any... If you have anybody in the tortoise or turtle family, I suppose you can let us know. Or any very old pets. Yeah. If you've got any very old pets, again, this is where you'd normally do Michael saying, oh, like the wife. Gosh. Gosh. But, I mean, I will put a... I will put a savor on that. Like, I don't want to see any bald cats or any scraggly old birds. You know? Like, just... If it's good... Look! Look! Look! Look your wife!

[01:21:19] You're so body-shaming, Michael. What's wrong with a scraggly old bird? I just... I don't want to see a sad, you know, old hamster that someone forgot about and found again. And it's like, oh yeah, very old, probably. You know? So, yeah. Well, hamsters only live, like, a couple of years, so... Never, ever get a pet, Michael. I won't. It's not in my nature to, no. It's not, you know. To care for other living things. You're really not a pet guy. Yeah.

[01:21:48] You told me you had a dog as a child, though. Yeah, I did. And we'll get one again. It's just... I'm not there yet, you know? Oh, that's a 180 degree turn in seven seconds. Yeah. Don't you're different, though. Don't you... No, Michael, just tell me. Which one of those lines did you think was funny and therefore was worth lying about? Because it wasn't. Michael, you'll love this. I spent 800 euro last week on my cat in one week.

[01:22:18] What? Like, what? Oh, sorry. Not just on veterinary treatment, not just on, like, a handbag. Yeah, not a little holiday. Or, like, clothes. Like, you know, your cat is very well attired. Yeah. But if I thought that she would do it, I would. Yeah, you would. That's true. Yeah. Yeah. I have once dressed my cat up as Santa for Christmas, but you don't... It's not something you do twice. No. It was a scam I was trying to run at the local mall. Meet Santa. Yeah. Listeners, please let us know what you think about pirates. And let us know, maybe if...

[01:22:48] Let us know if you think our little pirate venture could succeed, you know? I think with me up the rigging, Anya bustling around the brig. You'd probably, I'd say, if someone was in the brig, Anya, you'd probably be sort of, again, hanging around trying to get a bit of dirt, wouldn't you? Yeah, absolutely. 100%. Yeah. And thank you for listening to Legitimate Likes. We hope you really enjoyed it. Please get in touch with us on Instagram and Twitter, at Legitimate Likes.

[01:23:13] And please tell someone who has never listened before to listen, because who knows, they could become one of our merry band of buccaneers. Follow and subscribe to us wherever you get your podcasts. Leave us a five-star review. And join us next time. Until then, goodbye. Bye. Bye.

[01:23:43] This podcast is part of Podomity, the UK's podcast comedy network. Why not laugh at what else we've got? Visit Podomity.com.