Criminals Out, ET In!

[00:00:00] Hello, I'm Stephen Allen and welcome to Steve N Allen (almost) Daily. Yes, the podcast that gives you all of the news you need in a very quick form for the 4th of August, a day when we found out that murderers and sex offenders are going to be released from prison. So it might be a long podcast because I'm not leaving this room. Lock that door. I'm staying in. Let's do your front pages. We can start with the front page of The Sun today as we walk through these front pages together. I've not read them yet.

[00:00:30] Two. Oh, dear. Well, let's do the happier one first. Grande finale. Ariana Grande bows out of public life after UK shows. I think that's the positive story. I mean, I'm not a hater. I like her word. I only know her work. I drink her coffees. Does that help? But that's happy in comparison to Rod Liddle's dead and cop killers will go free. Shall we move on? Because I'm not going to do a lot of fun there, but you're up to date.

[00:00:57] I can give you the details of the story, actually. Make sure you are thoroughly up to date. I mean, it's going to crop up on a lot of the other front pages as well. This is the early release scheme where, I guess, here's the deal. We don't have enough prison space. So instead of building more prisons, they're releasing people who've done some really serious crimes. The original idea was not they're serious. We're not going to release the serious crime people. And then it turns out, oh, no, they are.

[00:01:23] And the front page of the Daily Mail goes with Athens suitcase murder suspect. Again, it's going to be quite light on the joke you can do about this. Afghan smallboat migrant who wed US woman after arriving in Greece is held over a killing of UK missionary. It's not a happy, many worries in there. This is the lighter story on the front page of the Daily Mail. Speeding. Again, when that's the happy one, what are you going to do?

[00:01:51] But tears of prime suspect writer Linda LaPlante, latest victim of the 20 mile an hour tyranny. She was caught doing 24 in a 20. So lock this woman up. Oh, we can't because we don't have any prison space. Well, we do for her. Release another murderer and then we'll be fine. As long as that murderer does not speed. The front page of the Telegraph, PC Harper killers will be freed. It's because Andy Burnham said he would try and stop. There are three people involved.

[00:02:21] One will not be released. Definitely is not eligible. But the other two are. Andy Burnham said he'd look into it. But it looks like that nothing's changed. Trump will do everything possible to save Infantino is the headline on the sports section. Well, look, if you've got people, you know, you can call up and get stuff fixed. Get that red card. But it's like a dog. Get rid of the red card. It's not a good red card. It's a bad red card.

[00:02:47] He probably wants to put him as the guy in charge of Georgia, was it, that he called up for the votes? Just giving you ideas, Donald, if you're listening. I know you're a big fan. In the era of my truth, facts are not needed. This is a feature on the academic at Cambridge who seems to have made some claims that may or may not be true. I don't want to get sued by someone who's at Cambridge. He's got more money than I have. But this academic was accused of plagiarism. Also then said he did around 600 miles for charity. I don't know, man.

[00:03:17] If you're that clever, you've worked out they've invented the car. Also claimed to have been on the TV show Seven Up, even though it was on before he was born. Which I think is quite the accomplishment. Most people on TV, even when I was on TV, I only managed it years after I was born. What kind of a late developer am I in comparison to this genius who was on a TV show years before he was born? So just stop picking on him. Credit where it's due. Burnham on holiday after two weeks in the job. Yeah, that one I don't really care about too much. People are getting all upset that Andy Burnham's on holiday.

[00:03:46] But this is the time of year when, as long as he's not on holiday when we get back, there's actual jobs to do. He will be. Chips are down as heat sparks potato crisis. Wait a minute. Some serious news here. Britain's potato crop is under threat from heat waves. Ooh, what would you rather have? Crisps or nice weather? Ooh. I'm on the horns of a dilemma there. Chips may soon be shorter.

[00:04:14] Oh, I'll just have twice as many then. No, for a minute there I thought that was a real worry. But no, I don't mind short chips. The Times goes with killers but not rapists to be given early release. Oh. So we'll only get murdered. Diagnosis of autism is the headline of the, also on the front page of the Times, is so wide it risks being useless. Autism has become a catch-all diagnosis that's applied to so many people that it risks being almost, almost useless,

[00:04:44] as one of Britain's leading experts talks about this. Every case of autism now falls in a single clinical label, the autism spectrum. This is true of spectra. A spectrum of something goes down all the way to zero, doesn't it? And the number of units there are, not units, the number of gradations you can have between zero and one on a spectrum is infinite and, for my fellow nerds, an uncountable infinity, not the countable infinity you get of the integers. It's the larger set.

[00:05:14] It's a big number, is what I'm saying. It's not a number. It's a big concept. So we're all on it. If there is a spectrum that goes down to zero, we're all technically on that spectrum. Where's my extra half hour in exams? No, that's not the hot take on there, is it? The Guardian, Farage Talks Admission Raises. I'm going to have to open this one because I'm hitting the intonation all wrong. Farage Talks Admission Raises Doubt Over £5 million Gift. Farage Talks Admission.

[00:05:43] He paid an admission of £5 million. I'll tell you what, Alton Towers has changed since I last went. Nigel Farage has made his clearest admission, that kind of admission, that he was in talks to return to lead the Reform UK months before the 2024 general election. His argument is when he got the £5 million gift or donation or gift, he wasn't in politics. It's a stretch, isn't it?

[00:06:10] Even if you weren't running to be an MP, you're kind of in politics. If you set up a political party, aren't you just kind of in politics? And then the front page of the I, driest July in 190 years. England and Wales record driest July since records began in 1836. Let's read the rest of this. Let's zoom in. You can get all the news that you need here.

[00:06:38] Britain has second hottest July on record. Could impact crops yields. Not that. That's short of chips. Forget the crops. What about my short chips? Firefighters battle wildfire the size of 120 football pitchers in South Wales. Well, this is the news story we had. Wales is in drought, and that has impacted an area the size of Wales. And it's not often I get to use that comparison with such accuracy. Them's your front pages. Let's get inside the news. This is technically entertainment news or something. I don't know.

[00:07:08] E.T.'s coming back. Oh, no. He's going to struggle. What were the roaming charges these days? The alien who famously wanted to phone home is heading back into fans' living rooms, this time in Lego form. That's right. The Lego company, whoever they are, they're making an E.T. Lego thing. Firstly, I don't understand people who do Lego. Kids, fair enough. But I know some grown-up people who do Lego. And they spent like... It was like 800 quid for the Death Star. What?

[00:07:38] For 800 quid? I don't want like a real Death Star. I'd want to be able to blow up Tatooine myself. That's quite expensive. At the very least, I don't want to have to put it together myself. I don't want to have to IKEA this. So anyway, you can... There's no way that Lego E.T. is for kids. Kids these days don't know who E.T. is. Wouldn't want to do the Lego, probably. And also would have no concept of why you'd phone home. They'd be like, why didn't you just send a WhatsApp? Kids will have no chance of this film at all, will they?

[00:08:08] Science news. Potentially deadly fake alcohol. Ooh, didn't even notice a thing. Can now be identified using lasers. This story just got sexy. Now, I don't know if you've done the same as me. Mentally, I've just imagined some agents of the state kicking open the door of a seedy bar. Everybody freeze! Choo-choo-choo-choo! And these lasers just explode any illicit fake booth. Like a speakeasy, I guess. A modern speakeasy.

[00:08:36] A steampunk era dystopian sci-fi. Yeah, you're right. I have been having too much cheese. But the point is you can use lasers to identify dodgy alcohol. It's good. Some of the dodgy stuff that's on the market apparently has methanol in it rather than ethanol. That ruins your eyes. And it feels harsh for me to even point this out. This is research that's been undertaken by the University of St. Andrews and Adelaide University.

[00:09:02] The Scottish and the Australians have been focusing their research on alcohol. You draw your own conclusions. I feel like I can't finish that. But I think we all know what we're saying. There's some research that said that attending a pricey wedding abroad. You know when you've got some people you kind of know. And they're like, oh, we invite you to our wedding. Oh, great. It's in Cyprus. You what now? What? We're doing three weeks. Oh, got some holiday time left. Oh, what?

[00:09:31] Apparently, attending these international holidays makes Brits cancel their own holidays. Nearly a third felt pressure to going to these destination weddings. That's the phrase, isn't it? Final destination wedding, more like. That they didn't want to go to. Almost one in five end up having to scrap their own annual vacation to go to someone else's choice of holiday. Don't you understand? When someone invites you to their destination wedding, it's because they don't want you to go.

[00:09:57] So, if you think about it, if they wanted you to attend, would they have their holiday in the country you're in? Or would they try and get as far away, both financially and physically as possible, and then send you the invite out of courtesy? Can we just have it as a general rule that if anyone invites you to a destination wedding, you don't have to go. They don't want you there. And feel free not to invite me. I say that as a man who really doesn't get invited anywhere these days. So I can see why I don't really mind this story. Hmm.

[00:10:27] Roy Stride. Stride? No, Stride. From Scouting for Girls. He said he gave up being a vegetarian after he was attacked by an animal. He was chased down the road, or in a field I imagine, by an angry ram. And I love the fact that this guy, a vegetarian, oh, you don't want to harm animals. And then one ram has a go at him, and he's like, right. And he just starts eating meat again. That is, that's proper revenge, isn't it?

[00:10:57] Just got slightly wigged out in a field. Oh, you will rue the day you've ever crossed Roy Stride. And then he goes about his mission making sure he eats, like, all the relatives of this animal. Normally they say revenge is a dish best served cold. But Roy's proved that one wrong. There's a survey about to-do lists. Are you the kind of person who makes to-do lists? I am. It probably won't come as a surprise, as I am somewhat nerdy. Somewhat.

[00:11:28] Brits have an average of ten things on their to-do lists, according to a study. Six in ten adults, so, you know, three out of five, don't know why they do that, admit that their list, unless they only ask ten people, admit that their list is never completed. Eighty-five percent feel overwhelmed by the number of jobs on the list. And now I won't be able to count it for you because it will take too long and that would be the worst thing you've ever listened to. However, my to-do list, today's one, already I can count that one as

[00:11:55] one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, sixteen, seventeen, eighteen, although I've already done that one and one of them is do this recording thing. So I'll tick that one off. But my to-do lists, I do them every single day in this app and they go back to, oh, I don't know the year, but it says Thursday the 24th of March. And if you want to sit down to work out what year was last,

[00:12:21] the 24th of March was last of Thursday, let me have a look on this. This goes back to, I'm guessing, three, four years. Well, no, Chase BBC contract. All right, so that goes back to like 2018. Yeah, maybe I've just proved that to-do lists don't actually get anything to done. They're trying to crack down on fair dodgers. Good. In general, I think if you have a rule, everyone should be forced to stick to it.

[00:12:51] If the problem's the rule, no one should be forced to stick to it, right? But it says here, So you buy, I guess it's a bit of a gamble, you buy part of the journey so that when the fair people come round, the ticket inspectors, Tickets, please. You can show them and they're like, yeah, that's fine. And then somehow you crack on for the rest of it. And the problem with this campaign, and I'm all for campaigns to stop people breaking the rules, is that I hadn't thought of doing that before.

[00:13:20] That's a genius idea. Not that I'm saying I'm doing it, but if I was slightly more of a criminal, you're just giving me good ideas here. In fact, 95% of barcode tickets, which can be bought and displayed on a phone. Oh, they're even cleverer. I hadn't thought of doing it on the phone. Do you know what? I'm going to stop reading this. Otherwise, the next thing you know, I'm going to be doing a heist. That's how easily persuadable I am. That's the newspapers basically sorted out, giving you all of the news that you could possibly need. There is one more story,

[00:13:48] which I suppose we could just briefly mention. I just didn't want to over-egg it, because I covered this one on the telly the other day. But there's been a resurgence of people going to medieval revival festivals. Whatever that is. I don't really know. But medieval festivals are all the rage, because people are fearing AI. So the original coverage of this story didn't mention that, that it was because we're all getting a bit overwhelmed by the tech. And that's what I was saying on the old box the other day. So it's nice that now the newspapers are agreeing the tech is just so worrisome that the best way to get some escapism

[00:14:17] is to go and pretend to be back in the medieval era. Not like the best time. It's not like going back to the top of the empire. I'm not sure how great this nation was back in the feudal system. Certainly my ancestors would not have been doing well in it. But there you go. The message is, if you find that there's a lot of pressure from all the AI, the tech, you've got a lot of emails. You've got a to-do list that's overwhelming. Why don't you just go and do something medieval, take your mind off it? Like get syphilis. Was that a thing? Was that a lot of syphilis back then?

[00:14:48] I guess there must have been the plague. Get yourself some plague the next thing. You ain't even going to be thinking about your emails. You're welcome. I'm here to help. Thank you very much for listening. Subscribe to wherever you found this podcast. Check us out on the YouTube version as well. YouTube.com forward slash at Mr. Stephen Allen for the days when we do the live stream. Till next time. Thank you for listening to Stephen Allen almost daily.

[00:15:15] This podcast is part of Podomity, the UK's podcast comedy network. Why not laugh at what else we've got? Visit Podomity.com.