Fake plastic Police

[00:00:00] Hello, I'm Stephen Allen and welcome to Stephen Allen Almost Daily. Hello, welcome to this podcast that gives you a dose of news and maybe the quickest possible. On a day when the El Nino warning set to become the strongest in living memory has been issued by the Met Office. But on the flip side, with all this climate change, the length of living memory will get shorter. So is that an upside? Feels like it's not an upside. Right, before we move into the front pages, actually, announcement time.

[00:00:29] I'm on holiday for a couple of days next week, off to Yorkshire, and they don't have the internet in Yorkshire, which is why I will not be able to do a couple of these. Start next week, we'll take a few days off. But things will return, back to pumping news directly into your ears. Speaking of which, let's do the front pages. The front pages, unsurprisingly, or maybe surprisingly, I've not really stopped to think, are going on about the same deal, Harry and Meghan. Shall we see what the take is? King puts William first as Harry heads home.

[00:00:57] Yes, and the king also puts William first because he is literally first, both in terms of firstborn and first in line to the throne. Oh look, most families, it would be socially gauche to have a favourite. But come on, there's no point pretending you don't have a favourite when you are the king, and only one of your kids gets to be the king afterwards. And the other one's written a book called Spare. No one is surprised about who's first in this. What else have we got on the front page of the Times?

[00:01:26] They have GCSE results and tables. I've not looked, I don't think I'm in it. The Daily Mail, Sarah Vine writes, Harry swanning back in must be enraging for William. Robert Hardland says, how this will shape the future of the monarchy. Oh man, they've gone big on this. I mean, it is just two rich people move from one rich place to another rich place. They're not going to be living in a council estate in Crawley. Do you know what I mean? These are going to be posh people. You don't have to pay attention. And this is what I always try and say.

[00:01:55] For those people who, for some reason, seem to be all angry about Harry and Meghan, have you tried not doing that? Not caring? Not paying attention? Not writing literally a full front page. Three of their journalists, whatever they're called, columnists writing big columns about it. The main front page is, Sussex's security could cost taxpayers £5 million a year. Remember that South Park episode?

[00:02:20] They imply that there is a hypocrisy in the level of privacy and public life that they want. Which is funny, but I think it's the weak source argument. Because everyone wants privacy on their own terms. It doesn't matter what level you're at. You want people to read your social media posts. You don't want social media to have a picture of you in the gentleman's. Or the ladies. Or whichever one you go in. Do you know what I mean? We all want privacy on our own terms, of course. But if you don't like Harry and Meghan, don't write about them. Don't pay attention.

[00:02:49] Don't fill column inches with it, because then there wouldn't be documentaries on Netflix about it. And the problem would just go away. You could take that as a victory, and we'd all just have a more peaceful life. I have a feeling my sense will not prevail. The front page of The Telegraph. Harry hopes to win back King's Trust. Push for reconciliation. And this is the other thing. I mean, in general, you shouldn't write a book about nasty things about your family. That's just good vibes.

[00:03:16] I'd give that as a piece of advice to everyone, especially now that you can self-publish. But I would also say I'd rather a family actually have reconciliation. You know, we've all got things in families. And you think it would be nice to have spent more time with someone who you no longer can. Just get over it. This is probably why I'm not a therapist. Get over it. Just shut up about it. Which has been my advice so far in all the stories today, isn't it? The Guardian. Let's have a look.

[00:03:46] GCSE resits criticised after pass rate slumps. It's a biased sample, though, isn't it? If you're resitting a GCSE, we know that you've previously failed the GCSE. So I wouldn't worry about the pass rate of resits. Would you? At least let them have a second swing at it. The star, Harry's Don a Runner. Prince Harry and Meghan are heading home partly because they're sick of Donald Trump. Apparently. Bad news. Moving back over here will mean you still hear a lot about Donald Trump. The Express.

[00:04:15] Back in the fold, but not in the firm. Again, it's a Harry thing. Don't really understand. I know what a fold is. My mental image is a bit queasy. Ooh, back in the fold. Well, you put powder down first and work out which one. No way back to royal life is the front page of The Mirror. I'm trying to find a story that's not about Harry and Meghan. The Eye. Sussexes fly back to UK without deal for taxpayer-funded security. Well, that's not what The Telegraph thinks. They think it will cost five million.

[00:04:46] Hose pipe hero of fire murderer. So there is a story that's not about Harry and Meghan, but we can't really make light about it. There's got to be something. Let's dig deeper into these small stories on the front page. Shopper banned from wearing a backless dress. Yes. Oh, yeah. We talked about this. This one on the live stream last night. A woman was told to not darken the doorstep of a post office because she was wearing a dress that didn't have a back on it.

[00:05:13] And I am surprised by that because the amount of time you spend queuing in a post office, having that in front of you would really lighten the day. If anything, I think they should be asking for more ladies like that to turn up with backless dresses. But maybe I'm biased. Hashtag free the back. And then's your front pages. Let's get into the middle bits of the newspaper next. Look, we know it's been a long, hot summer. It's been a dry summer. I was thinking this earlier.

[00:05:39] There's not a sense of jeopardy, though, because if we had a rainy summer, we'd still have a host pipe ban with our system. So fair enough. And meanwhile, in the news, Asian and Muslim communities have been told to use less water to try and save water when washing their rice and feet. And it feels like you need an Oxford comma or something in there. It feels odd that they're grouped together because it sounds like they wash their rice and feet at the same time. I don't want that rice. I don't want those feet.

[00:06:08] A whopping £270,000 of bill payers money funds this scheme from Offwap, which uses MasterChef winner Ping Coombs. That's a sound effect, isn't it? To teach Southeast Asians how to wash their rice with less water. I'd also say wash them with less feet or fewer feet. I don't mind either way. This has been a weird story that I didn't understand. Is this worrying?

[00:06:35] There's been an increase in the number of prison officers who have been disciplined for having an illicit relationship with inmates. You can't really discipline them too much, can you? I suppose you could fine them. You could fire them. You certainly can't send them to prison. Because if there's one thing we know they like, it's prisoners. The number of prison officers reprimanded for inappropriate relationships with inmates has jumped from 12 in 2017 to 32. Wowzers!

[00:07:05] In 2024, 25. Many cases involved experienced female staff. I've often said, you know that whole thing about ladies like a bad boy. Don't let them near them. We keep them in buildings. One of the reasons the release scheme has probably helped this situation. They're harder to track down. And part of me thinks, is it their fault? Or is it... If you've got an industry where the job is called being a screw... No, you know what? That's probably not the analysis we need. Or could get away with, more importantly.

[00:07:35] So we'll leave that one there. There's a worrying thing in the papers about how... Criminals are posing as police officers in London. Well, they're just arresting themselves. Really cuts us out of the loop, doesn't it? But they're stealing money and credit cards and valuables. The Met police has warned that there are bogus bobbies out there who are wearing ordinary clothes but have fake IDs. And they are pretending to be police officers. And I don't like this.

[00:07:58] But, seeing as it's happening, could we convince the criminals the only way we'd believe their police officers is if they investigate a little bit of shoplifting? Not a lot. Just a little bit of... Because the police aren't doing it. So if you could do it, then two birds, one stone. Do you know what I'm thinking? In tech news, NHS patients in Yorkshire are apparently experiencing stress and frustration with a new AI receptionist system for GP surgeries. Because it can't understand the Yorkshire accent.

[00:08:27] This is in Rotherham. This thing's been rolled out nationwide. It's called Emma AI. But Emma is not very good at... Well, it depends how you judge it. This new doctor's receptionist is making it hard for you to see the doctor. Which, I think even in the old days, that's exactly what their job was. So this AI is really good at it. But the way in which she's good at it is she can't understand. AI can't understand a Yorkshire accent.

[00:08:51] And I think whilst that might be annoying now, in the future, when the robots take over, the Yorkshire people will be the only resistance. Do you know what I mean? I didn't realise that the realistic version of Terminator is that John Connor would be from Leeds. Do you know what I mean? John Connath's weight. The Terminator's coming to get thee. Oh, it's grand. And they wouldn't have an idea what's going on. Do you know what?

[00:09:19] I, for one, welcome our Yorkshire overlords. John Cleese keeps getting in the newspaper, upsetting people. But here's an interesting thing. John Cleese believes that Monty Python would not have been as famous if it weren't for the famous rock stars back then who all loved it. It's nice that he's got that sense of... I don't know. Maybe it's fake humility. Maybe he realises actually it was groundbreaking comedy and he could live it up. But he's at least saying, in part, it's because the zeitgeist was behind it.

[00:09:47] And I am just going to say, I met John Cleese once and he said, what do you do for a living? And I had to say to John Cleese, I'm a comedian. Felt a bit weak sauce. You know what I mean? That was unfortunate. And he said, my daughter's trying to do stand-up. And then he talked about her rather than me for a while. Now, it's not the best anecdote I've ever done. But it's the only one I've got. And I used it. You're up to date. Wasn't that long ago I was ranting on about Vinted?

[00:10:15] About how the missus seems to be hooked. That's how they get you. You make your £3.50 and then you spend your £3.75. My missus will say, oh, I was chatting with someone on Vinted. Haggled them down to a good price. Oh yeah, what do you buy it for? £4. What did she start at? £4.25. Okay. Meanwhile, in the news, a woman has turned her Vinted hobby into a full-time job and is on course to make £100,000. £1.25. Chloe Lovett, £25, has been selling clothes on the resale app.

[00:10:45] And now she's left a minimum wage job and is going to earn £100. How is... Why can't we do that one? Because we're not doing this. Like my missus sells... As I say, sells things for like £3.50. For her to make £100,000, just a rough calculation of how many items she'd have to shift, we'd have to live in an Amazon warehouse. We'd have the spare capacity. We need a just-in, just-out management system. The inventory alone would be a nightmare.

[00:11:14] Basically what I'm saying is, looks like I'm not going to get £100,000 that way either. This one I find disturbing. Anthropologists, is it? Have worked out that humans aren't the only species that have pets. Other animals also have pets. Monkeys and apes sometimes play with, groom, hold and carry other species. It also says adopt other species. We don't do that, do we? We're not... That's not allowed. A bit weird.

[00:11:43] These include stump-tailed macaques, grooming domestic dogs in Thailand. Surely they just want to eat the bugs, don't they? Is that why you have a dog? I'm not a dog owner, but is that... Do you just sit there going, I'll have that. Oh, I found a flea. Oh, that's allowed on the keto. Is that what you do? Researchers found that some play and groom other... I don't know, there's a whole thing where I think other species having a pet

[00:12:10] is just simply that they stopped being hungry. Do you know what I mean? They're playing with their food and then realised their eyes were bigger than the belly. Have a look into that. More research needed. That's the podcast done for today. You are thoroughly up to date with the news in very short order. Bosh, it's in your head now. Get subscribed for more of this. Find me on social medias at MrStevenAllen. And we're done for the week. Oh yeah, so a couple of days, start next week where I won't get to do one. But don't worry, we'll be back in force.

[00:12:35] Because I, I, I like doing podcasts to earn a very small bob. For a chatty idiot, it's an interesting job. It's a job that suits me doing podcasts almost daily. For some reason using the ukulele when I'm doing podcasts. You're up to date. Till next time.

[00:13:01] Thank you for listening to Stephen Allen Almost Daily. This podcast is part of Podomity. The UK's podcast comedy network. Why not laugh at what else we've got? Visit Podomity.com.