Getting Fuel Cheaper

[00:00:00] Hello, I'm Steve N Allen and welcome to Steve N Allen Almost Daily. Welcome to the podcast that gets you loads of news in very short order on a day when I guess the big story seems to be about the return of traitors. And seeing as it's just back, I think we can get away with doing the joke that at some point everyone will do. If I wanted to see people with national name recognition lying, I'd just watch BBC Parliament Channel. Let's check the front pages. Let's walk through the front pages together.

[00:00:28] We can start with The Independent, although it's not a real newspaper. And they mention celebrity traitors, as did all the newspapers. How do they get so much free advertising? Anyway, meanwhile, Prisoner Survives Double Botched Execution Attempt. This is unbelievable. Honestly, the West can't even do this. I mean, you could also send over... I was going to do a joke about a nurse. Let's not do that one.

[00:00:52] Um, Krista Pike, taken to hospital after an attempt to kill her with two doses of lethal injection fails, 30 years after being jailed for killing a teenager. Look, you can debate about whether you think the death penalty is right or wrong. I think we can all agree this weird not quite doing it right is definitely wrong. What a thoroughly ridiculous situation. I'm trying to give some details on it.

[00:01:15] This 50-year-old was administered with a lethal injection after spending 30 years on death row following the torture and murder of a 19-year-old classmate. She was heard snoring and very ragged, whatever that is, despite being injected with pentobarbital twice. Maximum Security Institution in Nashville, where it took place, lawyers for Pike have now filed an emergency motion seeking to immediately halt and stay the execution. Didn't there used to be a thing about when you were being hanged?

[00:01:44] If you could survive three of them, that was it. They just went, you know what? Fair play. You, the Lord has decideth that you are living. You're living about three to four inches taller than you would have done. But you are, that's it. So maybe there's something in that. But back to the front pages. To actual newspapers this time, where we have The Times. Help to buy. What first-time buyers should know? I mean, it's one of those where, yeah, do it if you want.

[00:02:13] I can't help think this whole plan of getting more young people to buy more houses, but doing it through making it easier for you to get massively in debt, is using the future of young kids to prop up the housing prices. But at the same time, and as a very, very forceful caveat to that, I also own a house and don't want to see the price of it go down. So, fair enough. Emergency diesel talks after Trump ultimatum. This is a bit worrying.

[00:02:42] The guy who's kind of, turns out, seems to be really in charge of everything. Has the ability to cause us. Like, the reason we've got such high petrol anyway, and diesel, it's because of that Strait of Hormuz thing, which I did not block. Next thing you know, I'm paying £1.74 a litre. But now Britain's held emergency talks with the European allies to avert a diesel crisis after Trump issued an ultimatum over the continent's fuel reserves. Apparently he wants us to release our fuel reserves to help bring down the price.

[00:03:11] Now, he wants the price of fuel to drop in America because of midterms and whatnot. I want the price of fuel to drop in Hertfordshire because I've got a gig this weekend where I need to drive to. So, in a rare event, I am quite aligned with Donald Trump on that one. Front page of... There's nothing else on the Times, is there? No. Daily Mail. Labour free's first of ten tidal waves of convicts. If you were to make a really low-budget prequel to The Purge,

[00:03:40] it would start with this, wouldn't it? Someone pretending to be a BBC News announcer or at least a screen graphic that looks a bit BBC News-esque. If you need someone who can play a newsreader... I've done that before. I am available if you make this film. The government has been forced to relieve... No, you see, maybe I can't do the line. Take two. The government has been forced to release tens of thousands of prisoners onto the street. And that's all you'd need from me. That's all you need. Then someone else, an attractive lady being a newsreader on Sky,

[00:04:10] would do the next story a year later. Crime has been seen to increase. And then they get into the rest of the film. I'm up for that. I did think a while ago of signing up to be an extra on set because I've never been in a film. And I'm not going to get to be in a film. I'm aware of the direction. Listen, I've done enough calculus to realise what the gradient of my career's curve is right now. So I might be an extra at some point. The Guardian.

[00:04:37] Welfare changes may axe disability benefit for the young. I'm in favour of making sure you have a very efficiently, well-tuned welfare system. I probably wouldn't have gone for the young disabled people first. I'll tell you who's winding me up. Who's swinging the lead. No one's ever gone. It's those disabled young people. What? There are tons. Yoda, famously. Walking with a stick, pretending when he clearly has the force with him. People like that. They're the ones you should trim it back from.

[00:05:08] The Daily Telegraph. Trump tells Europe to release diesel. Israel, Labour hell-bent on destroying our relationship. I mean, it's an awkward timing because we got information about the Fairford thing apparently from Israel. It's an awkward time to be telling them off. BT's talk talk takeover risks legal challenge. It's going to be a stretch to try and find this one interesting, but we'll do what we can. BT's broadband rivals have warned of illegal quagmire

[00:05:36] if ministers allow the former state monopoly to take over talk talk. Which, as in the mobile operator, not the band, the talk talk, the band that famously in the 80s did the song Talk Talk. This could get very confusing very quickly. Industry bosses raise concerns about breaches of competition rules after BT mounted an 11th hour effort to seize control of the telecom provider. I used to be with talk talk for my broadband, and the big question would be, for anyone who uses talk talk,

[00:06:06] how are you managing to listen to this? You must be using your mobile data instead, because I remember what it was like. Front page of the I, Burnham leaving door open to snap general election in 2027. Good. Not that I wanted an election. I do want an election. I get paid more to turn up and talk about stuff when elections are on. So, yeah, yeah, do you want to... I've got petrol to pay for, and it seems to be expensive due to our reserves.

[00:06:34] And then Grant Dyer Traits. This is the Daily Stars front page, back with traitors. Celebrity traitor was in chaos last night after Richard E. Grant, which is the Yorkshire version. Ooh, E. by Grant. Grant told the stars that he was a traitor minutes after being chosen. They call it a With Nail star Richard Cockup, which is not his real name, is it? No wonder he uses the E. Grant thing. He... I don't know. I don't think it is a cockup.

[00:07:03] I don't think it's a clever thing. I think it's... Well, it's not clever trying to win the game. He's done well. He's done a thing that is now worthy of front page news. Because... Remember, the only reason that celebrities go on Celebrity Traitor is to get more coverage. The only thing they get out of it... I don't know if they get money, but if they do, they have to give it to a charity. So the only real benefit to the celebrity is being talked about in the newspapers. So him doing this means... Of course, you also have a picture of...

[00:07:33] She's the hot mama jammer. Next... That's just because it's this Daily Star. They're all about the candy of the eye. But he has got himself the publicity. He's done a swift PR move. And this is why people don't hire me to talk about this topic because I absolutely suck all of the fun out of it. And those are your front pages. Are you ready for Christmas? You know there's going to be a lot of Christmas news on the broadcast. Well, look at this. The Duchess of Sussex has launched a chocolate-filled Advent calendar. Good, because previously...

[00:08:02] Was it Sainsbury's that launched, like, the alcoholic one? Where there was absolutely... All the things are crammed full of alcohol. Which, as we said, no one ever remembers to open the door every single day. You miss it for seven days, open them all at once, next thing you're absolutely trollied. Face down in the trifle. So, thankfully, the Duchess of Sussex has launched a chocolate-filled Advent calendar. I'm sure there's nothing that I'd read in the next bit that will put me off the idea. Let's read on. Costing £112.

[00:08:32] What? It's chocolate, love. I'm not buying my car. It features an illustration of what appears to be her and Harry in their former home in California. Oh, well, if it's got a picture of your former home. Of course I don't mind dropping over £100 on some chocolate. For that much money, the doors on this Advent calendar, they'd better be security doors. I want little metal ones. I want tiny little keys. In fact, for that much money, I'm just going to keep them shut.

[00:09:01] I need them to be lockable to stop the kids getting anywhere near it. A 1941 Captain America comic, which spent 75 years in a cardboard box, has sold for just over half a million pounds. I mean, it would have been in dollars, because it was in Dallas, Texas, but an actual, just a kid's comic? That's offended some people. Oh, they're not for children. You know what I mean? A comic book, because it was in such good condition, because it was left in a cardboard box,

[00:09:31] half a million pounds. And I tell you that news so that you can be in the same situation as I am. Whenever I see my kids enjoying life, having fun, playing with toys, just having a great day, I think to myself, you're costing me money. If you'd have left that in the box, oh, yeah, yeah, no, I know you enjoy playing with it, but, oof, that could have helped me out in retirement, that. That could have helped them out in retirement, actually. Never mind. Officials at HMRC, they're in trouble,

[00:10:01] because in the news it says they've lost track of thousands of taxpayer-funded phones and laptops in the last five years. They've done a Freedom of Information Act thing, and nearly 3,000 mobile phones and just over 1,000 laptops, and for some reason, 22 USB sticks have vanished. I mean, it depends on what's on those USB sticks, but those I don't mind paying for. They're like, what, eight quid each, but they've lost thousands of pounds worth of laptops and phones, but I will say this. HMRC, I'm not going to tell you off. It's easy to misplace things.

[00:10:31] If you were to happen to misplace a certain self-assessment form from a certain presenter, maybe we forget all about it. Maybe if we misplace that thing that comes through halfway through the year asking for more tax than I realised. Maybe you do that. Maybe it was on one of the USB sticks. Big news in the world of sports. You know how I like to talk about sports. The World Conquer Championship has been saved by recent wet weather, according to organisers. Phew!

[00:11:02] Because for a minute there, I'd totally forgotten that there was a World Conquer Championships, but they've reminded me now. It was feared that the horse chestnut seeds would be too small because of the severe summer heat, but the rain that's plumped, has plumped them up enough. Oof, I do like a nice plump conker. I don't know about you. How do you like your conkers? Plumped. Which now means this stupid event can take place. We were concerned, but we have to look at the numbers,

[00:11:31] says an organiser, Jim, someone. Right. You could get out more, but also, they're massive. How is this even the news? I've walked up, there's an avenue near to where I live that's got loads of horse chestnut trees, and I was hearing those things drop. You walk down there, and you hear... And some of them are so big this year, I was genuinely thinking, we've got that hard hat toy for my little lad. I was going to wear that on my walks. I can't afford to have a conker clonk me on the donk.

[00:12:00] I've paid for this hair. I can't afford to have more of it fall out. It's not often I think this show can bring you very useful information. I don't mind walking in the area of light and frippubus. Whereas this one, genuinely useful, nearly a third of love rats do their laundry solo as a first step to cover up an affair. This is according to a survey from the users of illicitencounters.com. They're always doing surveys, that website. You'd imagine if you sign up there wanting to get a little bit of the old... that are the old reserve.

[00:12:30] You're going to have to tap the reserve, right? You'd think, why am I filling in all these surveys about when I do my washing? But anyway, they've done that, and now you know that the first sign that your partner is having an affair is if they do their own washing. And that's not the useful bit of this information. The useful bit is when you say, ugh, can you do my laundry for me? And your partner says, oh, I do everything right here. Well, I've got to do the laundry as well. You're absolutely... You treat this place like a hotel. You say, shoo, shoo, shoo, shoo, shoo. I'm just trying to prove to you how faithful I am.

[00:13:00] Now, kindly make sure the whites and the colours are separate. I don't want them to bleed into each other. And also, could you starch the colours? And because that is a sign of true love. Johnny Marr's in the news. He says that his first album in four years will address the impending danger in politics. Do you have to? We're going off for that, don't we? Also, have you confused yourself with Andrew Marr? Because Andrew Marr isn't politics. Johnny Marr used to be in the Smiths. Stick to your lane. Do you know what I mean? That with love.

[00:13:30] But if you're going to get into all the dangers of politics, there's a risk that Andrew Marr is going to start to get into writing songs about falling in love with people in a nightclub. And I'm not sure I'm ready to have that mental image. Beware. The monster spiders. Wah ha ha ha ha. I say that because this is a scary picture. Invasion of the monster spiders is what it says in the newspaper over here. Heatwave means more and bigger. Oh, not more and bigger. Experts have warned

[00:13:59] that the UK is facing a deluge of giant spiders invading houses this autumn due to the summer heat. We can't have anything nice, can we? You can't have a nice bit of summer without big old monster spiders. Entomologist D Patel, 34, has revealed that the recent soaring temperatures have provided the ideal breeding can... However, isn't it also true that conkers put spiders off? And we've just heard we've got nice big plump conkers. So we just need to collect

[00:14:29] as many conkers as you can and leave them as a barrier. We could do this. Is that what it is? Do spiders not like the smell of conkers, the feel of conkers or do you actually just have to get one and hit the spider with it? Because that actually would probably solve it. There's your podcast done. We live stream. Oh, hang on. Sorry, I nearly hit the... I nearly hit the new ukulele. Do you know about this on the audio podcast? We've been doing this on the stream thing. I've got a new uke. Oh! Oh, nice. I never thought

[00:14:58] I'd feel this way The way I feel About my uke But the point is Yeah, sure. If you want to see me rock out on this axe the youtube.com forward slash at mrstevenallen is the place to be. Also, some blues there for you. Also, you can find my substack substack.com forward slash at mrstevenallen subscribe to wherever you found this podcast like all of that luck and all that stuff

[00:15:28] trap me on social medias at mrstevenallen and until next time Thank you for listening to Steve N Allen almost daily. This podcast is part of Podomity, the UK's podcast comedy network. Why not laugh at what else we've got? Visit podomity.com.