Harry & Meghan are back!

[00:00:00] Hello, I'm Steve N Allen and welcome to Steve N Allen Almost Daily. Welcome, it's your podcast that gets you all the news in very short order and I think the quickest way to sum up today's news is definitely through the medium of song, like this. It seems that Harry and Meghan are hiring a moving truck. People are getting upset but I don't give up. Do you know what the thing is, I can't really work out how to end that song. But other than that, it's an absolute good one isn't it?

[00:00:27] Let's take a look at the rather predictable front pages. We can start today with the front page of the Times. They have the little leader thing, is they called leaders? I don't know. The thing at the top that tells you what's on the inside. Killer hits, the best and worst Bond themes. That is out of season isn't it? Why is that? There are no Bond films coming out, there's no Bond news. They've just had that one sitting in the we need to fill some space file haven't they? Mahmoud, wealthy areas must take fair share of asylum seekers. That's her take on that.

[00:00:56] I mean, good luck. The one thing we know about wealthy areas, they do have more space. They also have access to more lawyers. Indeed, that's where the lawyers live. So, good luck. There's a story about crackdown on resits to end treadmill of GCSE failure. Let's have a look. The education secretary has pledged to crack down on the pernicious, don't use the word pernicious when you're talking about people who fail the GCSEs.

[00:01:23] Because they don't know if they've been insulted or not, do they? Even I might have to Google it in a minute. GCSE resits that leaves hundreds of thousands of teenagers locked out of continuing their education each year. Yeah, but if you don't do level one, are you meant to do level two? But let's find out. Lucy Powell said that she wanted to end the reset treadmill of failure. Although the treadmill of failure is what I... It's the one piece of equipment I would use in a gym. Of maths and English GCSE. And would revisit the recent curriculum review.

[00:01:51] I think the idea is, if you go into extra education and you didn't reach a C or whatever it was, at least a 4 in maths and English, you re-sit it again. And I guess they know the numbers in terms of how many people fail the second time. I don't know, it feels... It's not too much to ask, is it? Maybe just... If you're doing extra education, have another little run up at this basic math thing. I don't know, but I would say that. I do enjoy maths, which I realise makes me not necessarily the same as everyone else.

[00:02:21] But there was that thing where they... Was it they forced people to do extra maths or something? That was Rishi Sunak's thing. And Simon Pegg did a rant on his car and put it on social media about how it's, you know, the arts are better and the maths doesn't matter. And as a maths fan and a Star Trek fan, seeing the man who played Scotty said he didn't like maths. Oh! Broke my heart. Vaccine for skin cancer help fight off disease is also on the front page. Success could lead to more tailor-made treatments. Hello.

[00:02:51] The successive cancer vaccine personalised for each patient... This is mRNA stuff, isn't it? The technology which they developed... Look, it was already in the pipeline pre-COVID, but I guess a lot of effort was put in. And now, it says, for years, the idea of creating mRNA treatment designed specifically for an individual patient's cancer was aspirational. We are now helping to turn that into a reality, which is mainly good news and there'll be a part of the internet that says that's bad news and it's changing your cells or something. Um, the Daily Mail.

[00:03:21] The little, uh, tease of what's inside. Why I've been banned from every dating app by the incorrigible Janna Hocking. There's some nominative determinism in there. I imagine that would... It's amazing! Look, she looks so happy on the front page. Saying that she's been banned from every dating app. This is another gendered thing. If I had that as a fact about me, I wouldn't... Probably not be selling the story. And if they were covering it in the Daily Mail, they wouldn't have a picture of me looking happy and smiley with makeup. They'd be like, look at this dodge pop.

[00:03:51] Um, ministers forced to tell asylum seekers, uh, don't attack women. This is the pamphlet, or it's a nine page booklet. I don't know the difference between a booklet and a pamphlet. Probably through to be staples. Um, that tells asylum seekers that women are equal and you should, um, not attack them and things. Yes, it's an interesting one, isn't it? I mean, now there's a pamphlet. I'm sure it's all sorted. I'm glad that issue's been dealt with. As long as they read it.

[00:04:19] Um, gossip hits fever pitch over Trump and his devoted human printer. So this is Natalie Harp, who is the new aide to Donald Trump. Been carrying his bag around. We covered that previously on the podcast. I don't know why she's got the nickname human printer, but my mind has just gone wild on why that could be. I'm imagining a 3D printer. And it's disgusting. The thing I've just thought of shouldn't even mention it on a podcast.

[00:04:45] Um, the daily telegraph Harry's coming home. I was on GB news last night and we did a full hour. No ad breaks, no news, nonstop coverage of the fact that Harry and Meghan are coming back. I tried to care. I wouldn't, in general, I wouldn't care if someone moved to the Cotswolds anyway. But when it's just like some rich privileged people doing it and they're going to be moaning about how tough their life is. I really don't care about that. I really don't. Because it's just going to be annoying.

[00:05:15] There's going to be more stories about Harry and Meghan. And my job is turning up on media talking about the story. So it's more likely that some host will be saying, so Steve, do you think that Meghan? I don't, I don't think that Meghan anything. You know what I mean? Cambridge chancellor. We must uphold academic integrity. Let's have a read of that one. Um, the university of Cambridge must uphold its academic integrity in the wake of Jason Arday's death. It's chancellor has said Lord Smith of Finsbury.

[00:05:44] That seems like a made up. Is he even a place? And it's probably Smythe. You know what these posh people are like. For the institution to be fearless in its interrogation, interrogating accusations of plagiarism. Interesting. Because being fearless in interrogating accusations of plagiarism. There's a certain march that happened in London that would call that a very nasty thing. All right. Interesting. We must. Oh, it's the quote that says it. Cambridge lives or dies as a center of academic excellence.

[00:06:14] And protecting those standards of excellence should always be a priority. Also, maybe not. Well, okay. I don't want to get in trouble. Leave that on there. Front page of. That'll read my sub stack. I'm sure I'll have thoughts there. Or I dare say it. Dracula. Drac. Draculu. Dr. A woman found a bat in the toilet. That's the story. What a relief. Is that? I don't think she ate it. Did she? Is that what happened? Like, plump. Oh, I don't remember eating that.

[00:06:43] A bat was so desperate for water he flew through a bathroom window to drink from the loo. Ew. Um. Flushed. That's quite a good headline. What would you do if you found a bat in your toilet? You wouldn't flush it because it, I mean, it gets rid of it the wrong way. I guess you've got to fish it out. You've got to fish out a little bat poo. Um. And then there's the front page of. What's this?

[00:07:09] Oh, the Daily Express goes with the pamphlet being handed to asylum seekers saying that women are equal. It is worrying that there might be people. No, this is the thing that's worrying. I think you can say. There are cultures, areas on this planet where people grow up thinking men and women aren't equal. And I know the past was also like that. But isn't it terrible that there are still places like that today? There you go. I think I've said a thing where I can't get cancelled. Um.

[00:07:35] And then the front page of The Guardian working in Starman's number 10 was unbearable, says ex-chief of staff, Sue Gray. Her of the Sue Gray report, which actually seems like a late night TV show. It probably should be now. I'd watch that. And then mandatory GCSE resets can harm well-being is their take on it. It harms your well-being to not be good at maths or to whatever it is. Um. All right. There's your front stories, your front pages. Stick around as we get inside the newspapers next.

[00:08:07] Bat poo. Bat poo. This stat, 17%. Can you guess what's gone up by 17%? Thankfully not inflation. Definitely not wages. It's parking tickets. Um. Drivers have been hit by a 17% rise in the number of parking tickets. So not just the price of them. Dished out by private companies. Which is, that's the problem, isn't it?

[00:08:36] If you are fining people, it kind of, it becomes the business model then, doesn't it? It's not like, oh, we'll make this much money from people paying for parking. Part of your profits come from people failing to pay for parking. You've disincentivized putting up a sign that tells you how to do it. Which kind of explains why you go to some car parks. And you can't make a head and a tail of it. Some, some number is printed on a sticker that's hidden somewhere. They've got no idea like when you have to be paying for your parking and whatnot.

[00:09:04] A record 16.9 million fines were issued in the year heading up to March. A bill for a code of practice for the industry, which included having a hundred pound cap on the most parking offences, dropped to 50. And it was given Royal Assent in 2019. So they capped how much you could be fined. And the number of fines has gone up. I don't believe a word. Very suspicious. Very suspicious. Here's an interesting theory.

[00:09:31] In the news, a surge in youth unemployment has fueled an increase in chicken shops. All right. No, I'm willing. It makes no sense so far, but I'm willing to read on. Analyst Baringa, which I think is something Bart Simpson says. I don't know. It says that young people not in work, education or training, NEATS, have flocked to fast food outlets. They claim the rise in joblessness has led to young people turning to KFC. Not sure. If you don't have a job, how are you affording KFC?

[00:10:01] The annual rise in fast food shops has outstripped growth in traditional sit down restaurants by about five times. Ooh. That is quite a lot. The colonel would not be happy. The firm said, well, hang on. We don't need to read all these details. So the theory is because young people don't have jobs, they have more time to. If you don't have a job and you don't have money, why would you not be cooking your own chickens? This is why I don't understand. No, something's wrong with this analysis, isn't it?

[00:10:30] One of the great things about payday, I seem to remember, is going and giving it all to the colonel. That's giving away details of my youth, but it makes more sense, doesn't it? Here's a shocking one. They've done a bit of a study and apparently this summer, this particular summer has seen nearly half of Brits clock in for work despite feeling sick. I mean, I thought that was shocking. I expected to find a new story about how we're all work shy and great weather means that working from home means people have been out in the back garden.

[00:10:59] And this survey says, no, no, no, people have been logging in to work even when they're ill. And I think that's the thing, isn't it? Working from home means of course you clock in for work when you're at home. Because what would you do when you're ill? You'd have a day at home. What do you do when you're working from home? You have the day at home. But one of them you definitely get paid for. So I think what's happened here is people have been feeling a bit under the weather and thinking, well, I'll still log in. There you go. End of. Solve that one. Didn't take a lot, did it?

[00:11:30] So what's your take on the Megxit thing? Harry and Meghan coming back. I suppose we need to talk about it. Everyone is. So it's all over the newspapers. Harry and Meghan moving back so that the kids can go to school. And look, there's a headline in one of the newspapers. Sussexes have pick of leading schools. Great, but you don't need it. I think education is brilliant. There is only one group of people who do not need to worry about education. And that's the royals, isn't it?

[00:11:57] No, firstly, I'm fairly sure if you're in the royal family, whichever school you go to, they're not going to fail you. Do you know what I mean? You might end up with a GCSE in art history or something that can just absolutely give you the points anyway. But you're going to get something. And also, when you then hit the career ladder, no one is ever going to say, oh, we would have employed this prince. But sorry, you only got C's at GCSE. We actually needed someone with A stars. Not going to happen. They don't need to worry about the schools.

[00:12:27] So they must be coming over here for other reasons. Do you know what my theory was? We talked about this on TV last night. If I were Harry, given a choice between living in California, isn't it? Is that where Montecito is? Or living in the UK? The UK definitely has less punishing divorce laws. Just living that out there. Just throwing that out there and see what floats. In Bond news, there is some James Bond news around.

[00:12:53] The next Bond film could be relocated to the Midlands. The new writer, Stephen Knight, has a longstanding love affair with the Midlands and might be basing. I mean, it's going to be weird, isn't it? We know where the headquarters for MI6 is. But now he might be in Birmingham. Listen, I've got nothing against Birmingham. I spent three years there when I was at university. I'm just not sure if it's the place you want to set James Bond. Are we saying that Bond would have the accent? And again, I'm not being...

[00:13:23] I am being harsh. I'm just saying you don't want James Bond to have a Brummie accent. That is harsh, isn't it? But it's true. Look, if they remade Goldfinger and James Bond's on the table and that laser's slowly making its way up towards his, you know... You don't want James Bond to go, Do you expect me to talk? You Goldfinger, do you expect me to talk? No, Mr Bond. I expect you to talk normally. No, you're right. I am being harsh.

[00:13:52] Bee news. Experts are saying that bees struggle to gather nectar in late summer. So they suggest... This is the University of Sussex saying they struggle to gather nectar, so let your weeds grow. Well, I don't want to let my weeds grow. I've got some unused club card points. They can have those if that's what they're... Is that what this story's about? It's confusing, isn't it? A dog food brand hit the news after it's had to recall its product. Dozens of pets suffered dry eye.

[00:14:21] It's a brand called Years. And it emailed 40,000 customers warning of a link between buckwheat ingredient and the condition of dry eye. Um, that's interesting. Buckwheat. Not that I'm writing this down and getting myself a supply of buckwheat just so I can have lots of buckwheat, get dry eye before I go to the cinema so no one sees me cry. But I'm not not saying I'm doing that. So, you know, it's hard being this... This toxic masculinity. It's hard work, isn't it?

[00:14:51] I have to try and take buckwheat for it. That's the podcast done. Thank you very much for listening. Hopefully we've updated you with front pages and some of the guff from the inside of the newspapers. We do this on a regular basis, so get subscribed. Wherever you found this podcast, get more of it ready for your ears. You can see the live stream where it's a bit wafflier. I'll give you that. But youtube.com forward slash at Mr. Stephen Allen. And a written version of my articles. Substack.com forward slash at Mr. Stephen Allen. Until next time, I'll leave you with this.

[00:15:21] It seems that Harry and Meghan are becoming Brits. People are getting upset, but I don't give to... Still can't finish these songs. Thank you for listening to Stephen Allen almost daily. This podcast is part of Podomity, the UK's podcast comedy network. Why not laugh at what else we've got?

[00:15:50] Visit Podomity.com.