How to End the Drought

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[00:00:29] Hello, I'm Steve N Allen and welcome to Steve N Allen Almost Daily. Your quick fix news podcast on a day when... One of the big stories is that a head of Microsoft AI has warned that without safeguards, we could see a new silicon species that will compete with humans, which is worrying. But silicon species does sound a little bit like those dolls you can buy from Timu, and I've already given away too much. So let's do your front pages.

[00:00:57] Let's start with the Times, right at the top, plugging stuff further inside the newspapers. Are you a Dalai Lama dresser like Helen Fielding? Do you know what? I understand so little of that. I'm just going to say no and then move on. Who cares if any of that... Crackdown on ADHD claims will aim to slash soaring welfare bill. Zoom in on this one. People with symptoms of attention deficit hyperactivity disorder should not automatically be offered a formal diagnosis. A government review of mental health conditions will say,

[00:01:27] I don't know. I don't know. Listen, if it is being overdiagnosed, you shouldn't just say, oh, you've got the symptoms but we're not diagnosing you. You need to either change your diagnostic criteria or admit that it's not being diagnosed, it's being correctly diagnosed. It feels a little bit like, oh, we've got way too many people turning up with broken legs. So what we're going to do is change the definition. You've got all the symptoms of broken leg,

[00:01:55] but we're not going to give you a cast because we're dishing out too many of those. The front page also has, King Grief has coloured Earl's claims over Diana. Now, the shocking thing about this, so you've got the book that's coming out by Princess Diana's brother, which says some of the things like the Prince, back when he was Prince Charles, we're saying people will forget about it. You know, we need to get into the sticky details of the claims. The shocking part of this story is that the royals normally stick to the never complain, never explain.

[00:02:24] And he's, I don't know if he's complaining, he's explaining. I know it's up there with the recollections may vary type thing, but wow, I thought they just would have kept their head down. Breakthrough breast cancer drug approved for NHS at last is also on the front page. Good, the whole point of this is using the medicines we have to save people. I'm amazed that's actually happened rather than just looking at the costs. The Daily Mail goes big on the royal story. Royal world exclusive. Rest assured, we will forget her soon enough.

[00:02:54] I understand that you're the newspaper that has the serialisation of bits of the book. They're not exclusive, though, is it? It's literally on the front page of every other newspaper. So, you're a journalist. Why don't you Google what the word exclusive means? The Guardian. Prisoners to double up in single prefab jail cell units. I mean, it sounds bad the way they're writing it, but if there is space to do it, they're not going to go full, you know, Southern American style, are they?

[00:03:23] It's just going to be a bit full. If that is a solution to it, then maybe it's worth looking into. But prison services have drawn up plans to double up hundreds of prisoners in temporary prefabricated cells. The prefab bit worries me more about the rest of it. I used to work in Romford where they had a temporary structure, Gallows Corner flyover. Temporary thing built in the 60s. It'll be up for a couple of weeks. The Guardian just managed to knock it down. So, those prefab temporary structures will be there forever. Face of the Putney pusher suspect.

[00:03:53] A bit too miserable to try and make jokes about that story, but you can Google it on your own time. Then we also have Palace hits back at Diana's brother on the front page of the Telegraph. Again, talking about, I think it's interesting that they've even moved at this. They've even released any kind of statement. Navy chief says we must rebuild to fight Putin. I'd be up for that. That seems like the kind of thing, I don't want Putin to win, if that's the question you're asking.

[00:04:21] But while we're talking about building, this might be the thing that stops you. Newts. Newts may thwart Piddington migrant site. The great crested newt could ruin the plans to build. Basically, they want to try and change things to do with the military site, which will be used as a migrant site. And the problem is, you can't get the planning permission. There's newts there. I don't think I even know what a newt is. If you showed me a newt, I wouldn't be sure. Bigger than a tadpole, smaller than a frog, something like that.

[00:04:52] Which it would be hilarious if after all of the campaigning, all of the women's videos, all of the trying to seed from the nation, that the thing that actually will stop anything in this country is finding an animal somewhere. Because the next time there's some sort of controversy about building, just get one of them bat boxes. Is there a bat in it? I don't know. But you can't build just in case. Front page of... There's got to be something happy in here somewhere. We are paying the price for Labour's economy failure.

[00:05:22] Tory leader blasts the government as experts predict inflation could hit 4%. No, you're right. There's nothing positive there. The Metro has a picture of Charlie XCX, which just lets me know she doesn't understand Roman numerals. And then the I. Burnham warns of challenging budget. Pants. After 3.1 inflation. 3.1%. British car industry is boosted by new jobs and hybrid electric vehicles.

[00:05:49] We won't take risk with people's living standards or with the economy as a whole, says the Prime Minister. What does that even mean? You won't take risks with our standard of living. So you will tax us or you won't tax us? Oh, that's one of those nebulous sentences. The Chancellor will exercise the highest degree of prudence next month. What does that mean? It's nothing, isn't it? None of this tells us whether there will be additional tax or there won't.

[00:06:18] Capital gains tax is emerging as one of the most likely tax rises in the budget. That one I care less about because I've got no money. Nissan and McLaren announced a £670 million investment. Seems like a different news story, but thanks for including it all in one, the I. Them's your confusing front pages. Let's get inside the news. Shall we start with the bad news? Surging fuel prices has helped drive UK inflation even higher last month.

[00:06:45] Just in case you've just tuned in to me moaning about things, inflation's not a good thing. You're up to date. The Office for National Statistics said that consumer price index, CPI inflation, increased to 3.1. Oh, great. And here's the beef. Because it's fuel prices, the government could do something if it cut the amount of duty and VAT it took. I know we've had a little bit of a VAT decrease.

[00:07:10] But if the government wanted to get inflation down, it could reduce its take even more. Other options, though, to save fuel, you can make everything nearer. No, because then you won't have to drive as far. I'm coming up with suggestions here. There was the Green Party idea to have a speed limit of 55 miles an hour. They meant on the motorways. So instead of doing 70, you do 55 miles an hour because that's a more efficient speed to drive at for petrol cars.

[00:07:39] How about flip it round? 30 mile an hour zones, we turn to 55s. Come on, we're trying to save money here. No one else agreeing with me? I'm just coming up with ideas, which is more than they're doing. The Cheeky Half is apparently making a comeback. It says in the papers today, as boozers try to dodge hangovers and save cash. I definitely agree with that second one. But the Cheeky Half, instead of going for a full pint, people are going for a Cheeky Half. The problem with that is you risk the fact that you might stay there twice as long and have twice as many,

[00:08:08] which actually is more expensive than doing pints. But let's not ruin the vibe. Congratulations, the Cheeky Half is back. Do you not think it's a little bit unfair that pints are never allowed to be cheeky, and halves are always cheeky, aren't we? Cheeky Half. There are never any other attributes given to a half. No one gets to nip down the pub for a surly half. What are you off out to? I'm just going to have a belligerent half. All right, fair enough. No need to be about that. Not like that about it. Do you know what I mean?

[00:08:37] There are no other attributes, no other personality traits. I'm just going to go and I'm having a morose half. I'm having a misanthropic half. Could you just leave me alone? Actually, that probably is how I look when I'm sat in a pub. There's probably not a lot in this world that will make me feel sorry for Kim Kardashian, and yet it has happened today. Write it down. 17th of September already. It's true. Kim Kardashian's been awarded just one euro after being held at gunpoint during the Paris robbery. You remember that years and years ago?

[00:09:05] The reality star was given a symbolic sum after asking for one euro damages. And the problem is, if you're really, really rich, it comes off as bad if you're trying to sue more money out of people, doesn't it? I think that's what it is. I don't know. I think I'd let her have the money. But I understand how if you're a millionaire, I don't know if she's a billionaire yet, see, it comes off as wrong when you're suing money out of other wrong-uns.

[00:09:32] I think you should be allowed to sue for more inconvenient things, because the one dollar won't make a difference to these people. Yeah, it'll slightly catch them out when they try and get a shopping trolley out. They're like, oh, no, I thought I had a... Oh, I gave that to Kim Kardashian. But it would be better if you could sue for other annoyances, like sue someone for the batteries out of their remote control. Oof. Sue someone for the remote control. Oh, go on, stand up, change the channel. Sue someone for the window key. You know the key that unlocks your windows?

[00:10:02] You've probably kept it somewhere near the windows. Not anymore, because I sued you for it. Good luck with that. I mean, I would sue you for the Allen keys, but with my name, it very much seems like Kardashian suing you for money. Do you not have enough Allen keys, Steve? Good point, well made. Sir Andy Murray. He's not doing the tennis anymore, by the way. Do you know what he's up to these days? Lego. OK, let's read on. Sir Andy Murray has swapped his tennis racket for Lego to help adults rediscover their inner child. Or discover their inner child, I suppose.

[00:10:31] Because if you're an adult, to rediscover it, it doesn't count that when you had your inner child, when you were a child. You see what I mean about pedantry? And the two-time Wimbledon champion, 39, is seen gearing up for what appears to be a major cycling ride in this mockumentary-style video. But instead, he faces his greater challenge to build a thousand-plus brick Lego thing. I don't think it does make me want to do Lego. Because I did Lego when I was a kid, because I had a normal childhood.

[00:11:00] I didn't have my mum shouting at me to get better and better at tennis. And I think it's less about rediscovering your inner child and letting this poor lad actually have a childhood for once. So if you've been an Olympic athlete who's been pushed right to the top of their game by their overbearing parents, well, Lego could be for you. I love to moan about the water company, so let's do it again. The UK will apparently need above-average rainfall for the next seven months in all areas

[00:11:29] to move out of drought by spring. Oh, great. So if now we just have miserable weather from now all the way through to spring, we could be back to normal. It is ridiculous that we don't have enough water, isn't it? And I'm sorry, water companies. It's bound to be your fault. Your one job is to get that life-sustaining water to humans. And somehow you're not going to manage it unless we get above-average. How? We're a wet nation. You know that thing they say about Inuits have 11 different words for snow? Yeah?

[00:11:58] Well, let me prove to you how good we are at being rained on. We've got rain, chucking it down, tipping it down, cats and dogs, drizzle, mizzle, spitting, scotch rain, heavens open, stair rods. Oh, it's good weather for ducks. Oh, there's a cloudburst. It's a bit dark overbills, mothers. That might have been a phrase that we just said in the East Midlands that no one else did. But you see my point? We are a wet nation, and we can't even manage to somehow be wet. It's thoroughly ridiculous. Let's try and deal with this one delicately. The story is that women who are overweight in early adulthood

[00:12:27] may be less likely to get breast cancer after menopause, according to research. So confusing in some senses, because what we're talking about is a good reason to be overweight. Well, I'm sure there'll be other reasons that people could bring up statistically which lead to other diseases. That's the mess. Let's not get into the mess. The point I wanted to bring about is, in this newspaper, there's a picture of a lady. How would you feel when you're that model who gets picked for that? I mean, I'm sure it's just a stock image or something.

[00:12:56] Either that, or you've got the Daily Stars photographers going out in the street. Excuse me, love, can I have a picture of you, please? Oh, yeah, what's the story? Overweight women in the... You know what I mean? You feel sorry for her in comparison to the normal thing that the Daily Star does. On a hot, sunny day, it goes and takes a picture of women in bikinis on a beach, as if that's news. But for this story, obviously it doesn't say who she is. It just says plus size, lower risk. And she's wearing horizontal stripes. So no one's being helped. Part of that makes me think they know what they're doing.

[00:13:25] She understood the brief when she was hired for it. But imagine if today, the 17th of September, already, you're flicking through the newspapers. Oh, there's a picture of me. What's the story? Oh, great, thanks. Charming. Loving it. Worrying news. Sexism is still rife in the workplace, according to this news story, with women being asked to make the tea. Nearly two-thirds say they regularly encounter sexist behaviour at work. The reason I worry about this survey

[00:13:53] is because last week, I took the family to go to Acosta. I know, I know how to treat them, don't I? And I went in there, and the only people working there were women. And I did indeed ask one of them to make the tea. And it wasn't even for me. I was having a double espresso. My missus wanted a tea. So I did end up asking a woman who was at work to make the tea. I think I've contributed to making this world worse. How do we separate out the data? If there were a bloke working in that, Acosta,

[00:14:23] I could have asked him, actually, that's the solution, isn't it? We need to hire more men. There you go. I've fixed sexism. We need male-only shortlists for more jobs. Done it. Now, I don't watch Strictly very often, but I'm aware that Shirley Ballas is a thing. And she's in the news. She has revealed the £4,500 secret to her youthful appearance just days before she was linked to a dancer 30 years her junior. Wowzers. And I think this is interesting. There's pictures she's had.

[00:14:54] A chin looks different. I don't know. She's had a bit of work done. And obviously, no judgment from me. I've had a bit of work done. I've had a bit of additional hair installed. Yeah, I got sick of being the bald man, so I've had a little bit added in there. At the moment, it is still mainly scarring. I look like I've had some surgery, some brain surgery, which at the moment is great. It means I get to park near the shops and no one is complaining about it. I'm a little bit worried that my missus is going to think I'm doing this

[00:15:21] to find someone who's 30 years my junior like Shirley Ballas has. I don't think I'd want someone 30 years my junior because, well, they'd be 19. They wouldn't even be legally allowed to own a bus driver's license. And that is not what I find attractive in a woman. Is that where we're going with this? I'm not sure. That's the podcast. Thank you for listening. Thank you for subscribing. We're back with the video stream, possibly tonight, depending on when you're hearing this,

[00:15:50] youtube.com forward slash at Mr. Stephen Allen. Get subscribed to the audio version of this. More of these coming out. And until next time, Thank you for listening to Stephen Allen almost daily. This podcast is part of Podomity, the UK's podcast comedy network. Why not laugh at what else we've got? Visit Podomity.com. Thank you. Thank you.