Hungry Hungry UK

[00:00:00] Hello, I'm Steve N Allen and welcome to Steve N Allen Almost Daily. This is the podcast that gets you up to date with the news on the 3rd of August already, wow. On a day when we're hearing Harriet Harman saying the only way there'll be a female leader of the Labour Party is if men are banned from being the leader of the Labour Party. But before you join in and mock her, if we could also ban all other countries from competing in the World Cup, we might win.

[00:00:28] No, she's onto something. Let's take a look at the front pages. So I've not looked through the front pages yet. Let's do them together. We can start with The Guardian, UK facing food shortages due to drought, safe farmers. Uh-oh, I don't see. I like food. But then again, wasn't there some scheme and maybe it's been scrapped now that West Streeting's gone? But weren't they going to like give fat drugs to everyone? I might have just been reading that in the tabloids.

[00:00:55] But it feels like if ever there's a time to be rolling out the mangiaro into our water supplies, it's when there's not enough food around. I know, I know. It's meant to be helping people lose weight when they need to lose weight. But if there are food shortages, putting some – they've got tablet forms of week over now, haven't they? Crush that up. Put that in the water. We won't moan about the fact there's no food. Have I just solved the problem? No, because our water supplies don't work. Oh, missed it by that much.

[00:01:24] Front page of The Sun today. Le ripoff. L-E ripoff. So a ripoff is feminine is what we learned from the front page of The Sun today. This has got a picture of Andy Burnham. Taxpayers are stung for an estimated six – no, it's an eight. Eight thousand – sorry, it's a blurry front page. Eight thousand – or I'm getting older. Eight thousand pounds every time French cops stop a small boat migrant. Well, they cost more if they do arrive, so it's not le ripoff, is it?

[00:01:54] It's le savings. La savings. Our probe last night, says The Sun, sparked calls for the government to withhold funding as PM Andy Burnham vowed to get a grip of the crisis on a visit to Dover, Kent. He turned out there trying to scare people off. He probably hoped that they'd be making their way across the channel and recognised him from one of his flipping TikToks about, what's your favourite bar snack? They'd be like, oh, not this guy.

[00:02:22] They head back over to France where the food is better. The Telegraph front page gives us police warn early release will force patrol cuts. It's the opposite of what you need, isn't it? If we're releasing prisoners onto the streets, that's the time when I'd probably say you should police the streets. Forced chiefs fear neighbourhood policing is at risk in push for community sentences. Britain faces fewer neighbourhood police – why?

[00:02:51] Put the police – where are the police? What are they doing? One of Britain's most senior police officers has warned that cuts to neighbourhood policing are likely as the system seeks to manage the 6,000 killers, sex offenders and drug dealers who were released early. Hmm, yeah. Well, look, on the plus side, now we know the streets are filled with killers, sex offenders and drug dealers. More people might stay home, so maybe actually you don't need police. You don't need neighbourhood policing. Have I just saved another one? No, no, I'm two for two.

[00:03:20] I'm two for two for not saving things. Front page of The Times. Power plants with metres fitted backwards. I want to read this one. This seems like we're a bunch of idiots again. Electricity users could be paying up to £100 million a year extra to operate Britain's national grids because hundreds of power installations have their metres fitted backwards. Oof.

[00:03:46] What kind of an idiot who – one would imagine to be able to, like, do any electrics. I'm not even allowed to, like, mess with plugs, am I, in this studio anymore? Well, you've got to get someone who's got a certificate to go over there and mess with that light socket. So you'd imagine if you're installing a metre on the electricity grid. You've got to have a whiff of paperwork. How have these people managed to do that and not know their backside from their elbow? I mean, look, maybe that's it.

[00:04:13] Maybe the two termini on electricity metres aren't labelled – well, they're live and neutral, aren't they? They're not labelled arse and elbow. If they did label them that, we'd still be in this situation. The power flow metering polarity issue, detailed in policy documents written by the state-owned national energy system opera Nesso, means that hundreds of metres – E-R, not R-E – are telling the grid operators they're consuming power and they're actually generating it. Oh, my.

[00:04:41] How did these idiots end up being in charge of electrics? But on the flip side, thank God these people did not end up being doxxers. No, because imagine – oof. They'd installed it, but the wrong way. Oof, dearie me. The Daily Mail, inside Project K. This sounds either really scary, like it's some sort of terrorism thing, or it's a breakfast cereal. Let's read on. The plot to get Bex the only prize he ever really wanted, a knighthood. Oh, no, sorry, I don't care.

[00:05:10] For a minute there, I thought I was going to care with that headline. But Burnham must scrap disastrous pro-union strike laws. Oh, they've started on that, have they? Two-thirds back wealth tax on assets. Meanwhile, here's the front page of the eye. Worth more than 10 million. So two-thirds of people would back assets of 10 million or more being taxed. That makes a lot of sense, doesn't it? Because we know that two-thirds of people definitely do not have 10 million pounds. Two-thirds of people aren't turkeys. And a survey says they're loving the Christmas.

[00:05:39] Harry, front page of the mirror. Dad, let the world see us together. Oof, he's doing only fans. The star goes with Gianni Infantino. You know how much I love the football. He's ducked. He's there. Let's read on. I thought he quit. He's not quit yet or something. FIFA president Gianni Infantino looks certain to be ousted over his bid to sell off the World Cup to private investors. An insider said he's a dead duck.

[00:06:09] Is that a well-known phrase? Lame duck, I've heard about. Dead cat, I've heard about. There's a new one. Oh, by the way, I saw, I was watching a news channel thing yesterday. And the hosts were talking about Larry the cat at number 10. And he's getting on a bit. You know what I mean? And I was realizing, of all of this time we've talked about dead cat strategy in politics, there's gonna be one. Andy Burnham might be the luckiest PM. If he times it right, everyone knows that cat doesn't have long to live. No one's gonna do an autopsy.

[00:06:37] So if he literally needs to move the newspapers on from a story he doesn't like, just saying. Have I solved? No, I've not solved anything with that one. And those are your front pages. I'd like to give you the latest in the world of entertainment news, which is tricky because I don't really care about entertainment news. But here's one in the newspapers. Patsy Kensett says her Emmerdale character is still a cow ahead of her return to the soap later this month. After a 20-year absence. Wow.

[00:07:06] I don't watch Emmerdale, but I do know it's set on a farm. So when she says that she's still a cow... No, because I don't watch it. It seems unlikely they've got her out in a field. Turning up to the old milking hut. But I don't know. Look, there is a chance. I'm just saying, if you, like me, don't watch Emmerdale, there is a risk. You'll put it on one night and you'll see Patsy Kensett just leaning next to a stool. And you'll be like, what's going on? Hey, hey, hey. So at least you've been warned.

[00:07:36] Good news for education, by the way. It's been in the news about education. Andy Burnham's not worried about as many people going to university. There was some coverage. I was on telly yesterday talking about one party is saying that they wouldn't be funding university degrees that are a bit woke. I said on there, look, you don't need so many university degrees. You don't need a degree in film studies. Because the last time I checked, they let you go to the cinema even if you're not qualified. No, I went to see a film a while ago. Let me walk right in.

[00:08:06] No one checked my paperwork. So some degrees are pointless. Some degrees aren't. Meanwhile, in the world of education, Greenwich and Kent are teaming up. Greenwich University and Kent University emerging to become the UK's first super university. You say super. We kind of mentally team up Oxford and Cambridge already to Oxbridge. What are you going to call this one, though? So Greenwich and Kent. It's either Ken-ich or Grant.

[00:08:36] Oof. Where'd you go? I went to Grant. I went to Ken-ich. No, it's never going to take off. And I think that's exactly why. There's just no good portmanteau word for it. There's an interesting piece of research that's come out about not eating meat. You know, Paul McCartney's thing. Family traditions apparently stops many people from quitting meat and turning vegetarian, according to some researchers.

[00:08:59] Linked to childhood cultural identity and a sense of home can stop people making dietary changes because they feel that there's a loss of self. I didn't understand any of that. I think what they mean is it's difficult to go meat-free if, well, you've got your Sunday roast. That's what I imagine. These traditions of the family often include some sort of meat. I know exactly what they mean because of a tradition in my family.

[00:09:27] You know, I think I would be vegetarian if it weren't for the tradition where every year on the solstice we sacrifice a goat. And if it weren't for that, I'm not sure I'd really feel a sense of self. You know, I'd have those magical powers that I have after making that deal to sell my soul. But other than that, I'd probably go meat-free. Eco update for you. Ferries will belatedly start using taxpayer-funded net zero infrastructure in one of the UK's busiest ports from today.

[00:09:57] Ooh, you're up to date. You literally are. Normally I just say it. Britney Ferries will plug its ships into the electricity supply at Portsmouth International. Well, that's good, isn't it? Running on a bit of the old electricity. Is that eco? I mean, it's famously made elsewhere using gas. But still, you know, it's a step in the right direction maybe. I've not read the full details, the full tech specifications. I imagine what you've got, like a three-phase AC. I don't know what voltage you'd have, but it'd be three-phase.

[00:10:26] Of course it's a three-phase AC. Also, I don't know how long this cable is going to have to be. Depends where it's going to, I suppose. Just be careful. If you are going in the English Channel, you might get tripped up by that cable. In fact, that cable might be the best thing this nation's ever done to deal with the issues of boat crossings. We're on to something. It's, you know, it might be the third thing we've solved in today's show. You know, I spend most of my time complaining about water companies. I don't know why. They don't listen.

[00:10:53] But rule breakers could be fined £1,000 for the hosepipe ban. We kind of knew this, but I suppose the news is that water firms are now hiring people to go around. Although, actually, it's the engineers that they've already got. But the engineers are being told. Water companies say their engineers and staff would report residents breaking bans. Oh, that's annoying, isn't it? And it sells as well. It's, you know, Essex and Suffolk water. But there must be a way around it.

[00:11:20] Like, you can't tell just by looking at a green grass that they use a hosepipe because you might be doing the watering can thing. How are they spotting? It's not like detector vans. Are they sending around water detector vans? How are they going to do that? My plan is, if not that I would ever break the law and use a hosepipe ban, but if I do, it must be possible as a bloke to stand there and make it look like you're having a tinkle. Do you know what I mean? Put the hosepipe up your trouser leg, out the fly, and then just go, ah, you have to make that sound quite a lot.

[00:11:51] And after the first minute, it'd look like I've got a medical problem. But still, it's not a no, is it? I found a new story that I thoroughly disagree with. And maybe I'm just getting old. It's not even a maybe. Maybe I'm also getting old, or maybe this is my opinion on this. Motorists who pass the automatic driving test. A driving test where you are driving an automatic. Not like you automatically pass, or it's that Sister Sledge song. It's not that. Or is that Pointer Sisters? I don't know.

[00:12:17] But the point is, they say after, this is the AA, reckon after one hour's worth of additional training, you should be allowed to drive a manual if you pass your test on an automatic. And my thoughts on that are thus. No, no, no, no, no, no. And finally, as a plot twist, no, no. As a manual driver, pass me test on a manual. You know, you can drive an automatic. It means doing less. But we, so we've got, I've got my little old runabout car for getting to gigs.

[00:12:46] Clock the mileage on that one, right? It's an absolute pile of rust. And it's manual. Our main car for driving the kids around is an automatic. Now, my missus passed a test on a manual. Then we got this automatic car. And about, not even a year later, she said, oh, can I borrow your car to do something? So we've been driving. She was exclusively driving a manual. A manual car, not some bloke called a manual. Or that film. I'm getting off topic here. So I was like, yeah, sure. Gave her the keys. And she went to try and drive a manual for the first time.

[00:13:16] The car, not the bloke. And I went over. Are you all right? And she was like, I can't get it in gear. And I said, have you tried, you know, pedal there. Oh. So now that car doesn't work. But my point is, she'd passed a test on a manual. And just a year later, she'd forgotten. If you've never driven whatever. I don't want to be stuck behind people bunny hopping their way around the A12. Do you know what I mean? This is a cross between science and culinary news, I suppose.

[00:13:45] Experts are exploring new ways of turning cheese byproduct into fuel. That's right. In case you were worried about, do we have to go nuclear? Do we need renewables? How about retuables? That was terrible. Heriot-Watt University have been teaming up with Take Root Bio to turn salty whey, salty whey, into high volume byproducts from the cheese industry, into a fuel called bioethanol.

[00:14:14] I think I dated her once. This seems terrible. Again, why would we want to try and make it so that when a car goes down the road, you smell burnt cheese? I want cheese on toast now. Do you know what I mean? There's going to be a downside. I suppose it's good to reuse. But then we'll end up using so much fuel. Cheese will end up being the main byproduct of, you know, the poor cows.

[00:14:43] Poor What's-A-Chops from Emmerdale. Out in the field. Are people eating that much cheese? No, they're trying to drive the cars. We'll be milking them, literally milking them dry. Jamie Oliver is in the news. He's complaining about things again. He always does, isn't he? He's always, you know, turkey twizzlers. Well, his next thing he wants to complain about is chewing gum. The one thing that can't be making our kids fat. Chewing gum. He said it's ruined the streets of Britain. Hasn't it got better? I remember in the, what was it, the 90s?

[00:15:11] You would walk around and it would look like polka-dotted streets. And he just doesn't anymore, does he? Because they've got the little steam cleaner things. Anyway, the TV chef says that local authorities face a never-ending battle to clean up the streets. Yeah, yeah. He said, if I could ban anything, it would be chewing gum. Somehow I feel that maybe he genuinely means it. But also he's a chef. And he probably sees chewing gum as, like, doing them out of business. That bloke over there is chewing, but he's not bought any food. I think that's what's going on there.

[00:15:42] Nearly done on today's episode. There's a story about searches for second-hand bridesmaids' dresses have increased. But I really don't quite get married. So it's not saying people are getting married more, is it? You know, because they're just reusing, yeah, what a good idea. What a stupid thing having a dress you only wear for one day. Do you know what I mean? This is, I'm wearing shirts that I'm fairly sure I bought in the 90s. So it is an anathema to me that you would have something you only wear for one day. And then there's this story of Hannah Pearl. Probably not a real name because she's a professional mermaid.

[00:16:11] And I imagine she came up because Pearl and ocean, what's that to do with? Something to do with the oceans, isn't it? And Hannah, Daryl Hannah, splash. I think I've pieced together what's happening here. She's a licensed mermaid. And I just love the fact that we're licensing mermaids. You wouldn't want to get an unlicensed mermaid, would you? So I'm glad the government has put some work into that. So you're up to date with all the news we could bring in your general direction for today. Join us tomorrow.

[00:16:40] We'll get another swift update of some tabloid stuff in the front pages that otherwise you'd actually have to sit down and read on your own. Subscribe to wherever you found this podcast. And until next time. Thank you for listening to Steve N Allen (almost) Daily. This podcast is part of Podomity, the UK's podcast comedy network. Why not laugh at what else we've got? Visit Podomity.com.