King Won’t Fund Court

[00:00:00] Hello, I'm Steve N Allen and welcome to Steve N Allen Almost Daily. Hello, welcome to your podcast that gets you all the news you need on a day when it seems the big story is Kemi Badenoch suggesting an Iron Dome type defence system for the UK. Just as a quick context reminder, we can't even manage to build a train from London to Birmingham when there's already a train from London to Birmingham that was built hundreds of years ago. Given that, I've just ruined the vibe haven't I? Sorry, let's do the front pages.

[00:00:29] They won't take long, it's basically that story. Tories vow to build Iron Dome to stop something is one of the stories. That's on the Daily Mail. The Daily Mail also has Nadine Dorries saying, Downsizing was a terrible mistake. I went too small too soon. I don't know what she's downsized, but that's a level of regret that is hilarious. Is she talking about buying a smaller house? She recently lost weight. Is she talking about her bottom? That would be a strange thing. But eventually, listen, I write an English paper column every week.

[00:00:56] Eventually, you get so desperate for inspiration, you will write anything about anything. I've probably done a couple of columns about my own bottom. So, you know, there but before the grace of God and blah, blah, blah. The front page of The Mirror King. Don't use my money. Says Charles to Andy, because Andy's trying to sue the police. He's fighting the law, but the law might win. And it turns out the king doesn't want him to use his money.

[00:01:25] Not the money that's got his face on it, because there's all of it. But the king gives some of his private money, his biscuit money, I imagine, from the Duchy of Biscuits or whatever he makes his money doing. Gives that to Andrew, who won't be using that to sue the police. He'll be using his other money to sue the police. And then that other money that would have paid for other stuff, he'll use the king. It's the same money. You can't hypothecate money you give to your dodgy brother. There's a lesson for life. The Times goes with King will not fund Andrew's case, blah, blah, blah, blah. We've covered that one.

[00:01:55] Novelist and former MP Geoffrey Archer dies at the age of 86. It's always a sad story when someone... But, you know, if you're in your 80s, if I make it to my 80s, I kind of hope I won't be on the front page. Because career-wise, I know I've not made the level of fame to be on the front page. The only way I'll be a front page death is an infamy thing. Or a method of death. Whichever one it is, I don't want to be on the front page of The Times. PM looks to push back on decision on defence cash.

[00:02:23] That's the more boring side of this. It's good that defence is in the news. It's sexy when you're talking about Britannia Shields. She sounds like an actress, but it's not, is it? King tells Andrew, I won't fund your court fight, is the front page of the Daily Telegraph. They also have on the front page, there's got to be something else of interest there. No, the Iron Dome story. I told you it won't take long today. The Guardian. Sharp rise in under-50s cancer. A ticking time bomb, say experts. So that cheers us right up, doesn't it?

[00:02:51] Not long until I'm over 50, though. So I'll be dodging that bullet. Then, how will I? I'll be going into the high-risk category. Kemi, Britain needs an Iron Dome to keep us safe. Is there anything... The only other story on the front page is about Andrew again. Come on, iPaper. Let's roll the dice. Daddy needs a brand new story. The new rules of student drinking. Spoiler alert. No snogging. That's in the life section of the I.

[00:03:20] I've not bothered to read it, but let's opine anyway. There are rules to student drinking, and one of them is no snogging. I mean, that's always been... You can't drink and snog at the same time, unless you're a particularly skilled ventriloquist act. And even then, no one wants to pay to see that. One thing I've learned about drinking is that it really requires 100% of your mouth-based focus. Otherwise, you'll have it all down your... You'd be like Helen Daniels sat on that sofa.

[00:03:47] You'll be dribbling down your top, and I don't think the person you're snogging is going to be enjoying it. Or unless they're just doing it for part of the free drink. You never know. What science says about the Russian lab worker dying of a suspected plague is also in there. Great. Don't make me do lockdown again. There's a comedian... And then again. As a comedian, it ruined my career. As someone who sits around doing live streams and podcasts, I probably wouldn't even notice the difference. There's a chance that if I don't see the right newspaper, I'm like, we've been doing what for three weeks now? What?

[00:04:15] The Iron Lady is the front page of The Star, which is... It's about Cammy wanting an iron dome, not them saying, you should do a bit more iron and get back in the kitchen. That's the weird thing about Margaret Thatcher, when she was known as the Iron Lady. I did think... She's probably got someone who does that for her. And them's basically your front pages. Let's jog inside the newspapers.

[00:04:38] In football news, and you know how much I love the football, England star Jordan Pickford almost caused a crash with two other cars in his £200,000 Lamborghini. He said... Well, he admitted bad driving. He was pulled over by the cops because he ignored a give-way sign, forcing two cars to slam on their brakes before speeding off, the prosecution said. I think I know what's happened here. Here's the problem.

[00:05:05] He's forgotten the wise, wise words of John Barnes in the John Barnes rap. Jordan Pickford, you're an England man, so these are the words you should live by. You've got to hold and give. That's what the give-way sign's about. But do it at the right time or where the sign is, that would be the thing. You can be slow or fast, but you must get to the line. Slow is an option, Jordan. They'll always hit you and hurt you, defend and attack. That doesn't really apply here. There's only one way to beat them. Get around the back.

[00:05:36] I don't know if that applies either, but it very much feels like if you'd have listened to the wise words of John Barnes, you'd be a better driver. And it's not often you say that to anyone. Experts are doing something unusual. They're sending something up into space. Do you want to have a guess what it is? Scotch whiskey. Are we trying to get aliens drunk? This is going to come across as weird, isn't it? Predatory. You send Scotch whiskey into space. The aliens will be like, what is this drink? Oh. And the next thing they find is attractive. Is that how it works?

[00:06:02] The spirit will be distilled in orbit to see how it ages in the harsh environment beyond Earth's atmosphere. All right. There might be many things that impede our ability to live on the moon or even Mars. And I don't think the one thing that was slowing us down is, do you think whiskey might not age as well in space? I mean, technically, if you get it nearer the speed of light, it ages more slowly. But that's a side issue.

[00:06:24] Engineers in Scotland plan to send a satellite containing samples of whiskey and its base ingredients on a five-year mission, space. Its continuing mission to seek out new drinks. It's hoped that the frequent changes between extreme heat and freezing as it circles the planet could speed up the maturation process. All right.

[00:06:48] I would say if we're sending humans into space and they're going to fly rockets, don't even give them a chance of drink driving, drink flying. Maybe. Maybe just leave. Honestly, the things some people do when they hear there's ice in space. What goes with that? Oh, I know what would be nice. Two stories added together I think tell us something quite interesting. The first story is the success of Avengers Endgame Encore at the box office.

[00:07:12] It means it's now overtaken Avatar to become the highest grossing film in history. So that film that came out before, they've added a couple of more scenes and they've re-released it and it's become the highest earning film. Two pages later in the newspaper, the Beatles are on course for another number one album, which could draw them level with Robbie Williams. A remix version of the 1965 classic Rubber Soul Special Edition is leading the midweek charts. Both of those stories are kind of great if you're into it. But do you know what I'm saying?

[00:07:42] Like, there's nothing new anymore. The biggest selling film is a remixed version of a successful film from a while ago. The next number one album is a remixed version of a special edition version of an album. And yet people still go on that we're not recycling enough. I think we are recycling plenty. There's a thing about the traitors in the news. You know, I don't watch it, but I'm willing to look at this. It says, the players do their bit for charity, but we can reveal the traitors are making a killing.

[00:08:11] And they've listed all of the contestants and the things that they're plugging. By going on this much-rated TV show, they get publicity. And James Acaster's got a podcast. James Blunt's got an album out. Hannah Fryer's got a stage tour. Doing maths on stage. Right up my street. It says, Sebastian Croft single. I don't know if he's got a song out or if he's just desperate to try and pull. It's difficult to know, isn't it? Michael Sheen's got a... Of course they've got stuff to plug. What else do you think they're doing, though?

[00:08:40] Do you think the celebrities are going on celebrity traitors because they just absolutely love being lied to? Actually, no. Celebrities do love being lied to, don't they? You were wonderful, darling. That actually, no. That is right up their street. Gwent News. Is it in the place? Not the... Is it a woman called Gwent? I don't know. A city wants to ban balaclavas in a bid to encourage shoppers to return to its high street. One in five stores are empty in Newport, Gwent.

[00:09:09] But what's the balaclavas got to do with it? I don't think that's why the shops are empty. How many balaclava people have you got there? I'm always uncomfortable. I can see the argument about people should show their face. I also think maybe every so often we should get to vote that some people should wear a balaclava, even if they don't want to. Do you know what I mean? Some people's face, every so often you should be able to play one card where you go, look, I know you don't want to, but I'm trying to eat my dinner. And your face is putting me right off. Could you just pop this on? I'll pay for the balaclava.

[00:09:38] That might get more people back into Gwent. Entertainment news. James Bond actor, Piers Brosnan, has said that he's Britain's mop secret agent, whatever that means, revealing that he's good at chores. That makes more sense. The 73-year-old who played 007, we know that much, says he's an expert at filling the dishwasher, doing the laundry, sweeping and putting out the bins. I mean, so am I, mate. How is that in the newspaper? And I'd spend all my flipping time doing the dishes and whatever. In fact, you know what?

[00:10:07] My level of dish doery is quite advanced. I'll tell you, right? There were some dishes, some like Rammelkin things on the side that the missus is here. I'd never seen these things before. So last night, I washed them and I put them on the draining board. And this morning, I was clearing the draining board. And here's the problem. I'd never seen these bowls before. I have no idea where they go. I can't just leave them on the draining board because then they'll be like, oh, you never tidy up. And then I can't just put them anywhere because it'd be, oh, you put me in the wrong place.

[00:10:35] And I can't ask her where to put them because then that would be giving her the mental load, which, as we all know, is worse than actually doing the job. So I broke them. Whoops. And then put them in the bin. Well, no, it fixed that problem, didn't it? There you go, Piers Brosnan. Licence to make an absolute mess. There's your podcast done. Hopefully you enjoyed some news. Subscribe to wherever you found this podcast. Have a look at youtube.com forward slash at Mr. Steve N Allen for more content you can listen to. You can also look at it. It's videos.

[00:11:04] You can look away. It's up to you, isn't it? And other than that, we shall reconvene next time we do one. Till next time. Thank you for listening to Steve N Allen (almost) Daily. This podcast is part of Podomity, the UK's podcast comedy network. Why not laugh at what else we've got? Visit podomity.com.