Nvidia Affair

[00:00:00] Hello, I'm Steve N Allen and welcome to Steve N Allen Almost Daily. Hello and welcome to the podcast that's on the internet on a day when the internet is down. Microsoft, you get. So look, I guess no one's listening to this or it's a historical thing. At some point in the future when they rebuild the internet and slowly but surely society starts to get its act together again, they'll find archives, SSD recordings, no one knew what they were.

[00:00:27] And eventually someone will open this podcast and to you I say, oh, you're a waste of your time. Could have built something better than recreate this society again. Anyway, front pages. Right, let's see what's happening on the 13th, oh, Friday the 13th of November. Bad luck for the internet. So that's gone, but that's not on the front pages. Because the front pages came out before the internet went down and also all of the newspapers are just on computers these days. So, no.

[00:00:53] Britain set for a new deal with EU is the front page of the I. Let's have a look at what's going on here. Historic, what, agreement edging closer with both sides upbeat that remaining obstacles can be cleared. I mean, as long as we're both edging closer, that's fine. It did seem a little bit like we were edging closer to them and they were just sitting there going like, Yep, a bit more, a bit more. Back a bit, back a bit, that kind of thing. Front page of.

[00:01:22] Oh, there's a picture of, what's his shops? Jensen Huang. With another picture of a lady behind. He's doing all right, isn't it? I'm not sure what it is that attracts all of these ladies to this short, nerdy, balding billionaire. But something does. But anyways, resigned after revelations of three affairs. How did he have time to do whatever CEOs do? Oh, that's his. They don't do any of the actual hard work.

[00:01:51] Rainer uses emergency powers to permit Piddington Asylum Camp. This is the one in Oxfordshire where they're trying to cede from the nation. Part of me wants that to happen. It'd be hilarious to see part of it go independent. Swindon. Another part of me thinks, is it near the, is it the A419? Because I don't want, I don't want to have to fill in a visa to drive across the A4. Is it the 418 or the 419? The one that takes you from the M40 through Swindon. If you need to get down to the M5.

[00:02:21] Because I'm all for having a laugh. But if there's any more paperwork for me, no thank you. The Guardian NVIDIA chief quits after claims of affairs with spy and employee. Which one's worse? Because employee, you can make the argument that there's an abuse of power. If you're the CEO, no one's more powerful than you in that corporation. And people argue about imbalances of powers being an issue when it comes to relationships.

[00:02:47] Although obviously, all relationships have some sort of power disparity. Because statistically, it's just not the case that absolutely everyone in all relationships ever are thoroughly the same level of power. Do you know what I mean? However, if it's with a spy, maybe they got the upper hand. Do you know what I mean? They're not telling you that they're a spy, so they know that. Plus also, they're trained to kill. They've probably got a garrotte wire in the watch.

[00:03:15] That's a healthy relationship by my standards. Because staggering cost of PM's EU reset is the version the Daily Mail goes with on there. Also, a picture of Yensen Huang. 100 knives off our streets every day, says the Mirror. Finding a positive story for once, I suppose. Or is it a negative story? Because at some point, you'd like it to be no knives taken off our streets. Because there are no knives on our streets. Till then, I'll keep you up to date. What's this?

[00:03:43] Tax man to hound bereaved for decades. This is the front page of the Telegraph. They do pay a lot of attention to things like inheritance tax. I think it's because most of their readers' average age is dead. So it's a hot topic for them. But four-year limit on HMRC inquiries into estates of dead to end under the plan. Oh, the... Well, you can't really hound bereaved for decades.

[00:04:10] Because speaking from personal experience, you don't stay bereaved. If I got a letter now about my parents, I'd be way less upset than if I got it like the day after. Maybe that's not the argument people are looking for. What else is at the bottom of the Telegraph? It's often where the fruitier stories are. Now, UK, home to biggest rise in migrants in G7. Rivals seen so fruity it shocked Jilly Cooper. I'll zoom in on that one. Let's have a look.

[00:04:40] I say zoom in. The damn thing won't zoom in. Here we go. This is done by Microsoft. Jilly Cooper was shocked by a filthy sex scene in TV adaptation of Rivals. Only be told that she had written it herself. I mean, good on you. Imagine, really? Did I write that? I must have been filth. NVIDIA Chief is the front page of The Independent. How is that the biggest story? How is that boss of private company? I suppose it's public floats, isn't it?

[00:05:09] But okay, boss of company does thing with someone else. Is it any of our business? But we do love a saucy story, don't we? PM obsessed with selling us out to the EU, says the Daily Express. And the apocalypse snow is the front page of the star. Is it going to snow? Yes. Will it be an apocalypse? No. You're up to date. In music news, and this is a surprise, The King didn't realise he had a new album out. But, well, no. He's...

[00:05:38] The King and Sir Elton John have recorded an hour-long special episode of the singer's Apple Radio Rocket Hour. Has Elton John got a podcast? Elton, mate, could you back off and leave podcasts to those of us who are struggling? You've got enough money, mate. Could you sit this one out? And just, like, maybe let some of the ad revenue trickle this way? No? All right. Cheers. I didn't realise The King was that into music. Does he sing? Rocket man. I don't think he's doing cover versions, but I would definitely pay to see that.

[00:06:08] Does Elton John realise that when he's booked King, he's got the monarch and not the band that did Reward? I mean, I don't think you could squeeze a whole hour out of them, maybe. Good point. Well made. Tis that time of year again for it to be that time of year. Christmas time. And in the news, there's going to be more Christmas news is what I'm teeing you up for. Destiny's Child's single, Eight Days of Christmas, is the most irritating song of the festive season. Experts have savage their 2001 tune as too cheesy.

[00:06:39] Where classic Feliz Navidad is the runner-up. Yeah. Someone was telling me they didn't understand the lyrics and they thought it was my least scabby dad or something like that. My least scabby dad. How many dads have you got? Why are you measuring them on scabbiness? Especially at this time of year? I understand why people didn't like that song. And Kelly Clarkson's 2013 song, Underneath the Tree, took bronze. That's a bit harsh. Listen, we all know, top of the shot, Mariah Carey. But don't do a survey for the most annoying.

[00:07:09] I didn't mean she was annoying. No, no. The Mariah Carey, all on up for Christmas. Excellent. Every year I learn that on the keyboard. Oh, I'm sure my family think it's the most annoying song, but not her version. But don't do a survey of the most annoying Christmas song. Otherwise, I will have to make one. Because you know, I'm officially a recording artist. I've got songs. I've got an EP on Spotify. It's available on vinyl. And we played it on this radio station. I might try and sneak it in again at some point, because I get royalties for it now.

[00:07:36] But also, don't challenge me to come up with an annoying Christmas song. Ho, ho, ho. I think we've got a plan. I'll go off and try and write it. Basically, any annoying song that you add jingle bell sounds to is a Christmas one. Yeah? We'll see what we can do. Watch this Christmas space. Remember when we were talking about the fridges being hacked? And I believe this details in today's Romford Recorder of my newspaper column on that very topic.

[00:08:00] However, one of the things was the passwords to some of these fridges hadn't been changed from their factory default setting, 12345. Survey today says more than 210 million people globally use the password 123456. Now look, I'll give you that slightly trickier. 123456. It's harder to guess than 12345. Lou, Lou Baker would successfully guess your password if it were 12345.

[00:08:30] Then he starts guessing names. And he still has a chance of hacking it, but 123456. What is wrong with people? They get some security. Like, oh yeah, no one will ever guess 123456. My two-year-old could literally do that. Do something tricky with a TH, because my four-year-old still struggles with those. So, you know what I mean? You stand a chance of beating it this way. Ah, you just give up hope, don't you? There's a story from Essex in the newspapers. Mum, well, I won't give her name away yet.

[00:08:59] She's named her baby Celestia. A name from a character in the My Little Pony cartoon TV series. I must admit, don't watch it. But I'll take your word for it. And that's really cute when your baby's cute and young. And when you're a toddler, that'll be cute. And when you're a young child, oh, you named her for My Little Pony. At some point, this has to be a serious businesswoman in her 30s. Hi, nice to meet you. Celestia, that's an interesting name. Where's it from? My Little Pony. Yeah. I could have been Izzy Moonbo, but they went with Celestia.

[00:09:29] I could have been Pip. I could have been Zip. Zipstorm. I could have been Misty, but Misty is a friend of Opaline. Opaline O'Connor. She's one of the baddies. You know when I said I don't watch My Little Pony? I think I might have slightly given that away now. There's a story in the news about Lidl. I kind of hate doing these ones. Clearly, it's just the company's done a press release and the newspapers have written it up. But some of them are interesting. Lidl have launched a beauty advent calendar for just £10.

[00:09:59] The bargain item is filled with 24 products, right? Now, that's just an ad for them. I feel bad if it weren't for the fact. I think we can critique. You have to buy it for yourself. Because you can't give that as a gift. A little pre-Christmas got you an advent calendar. Oh, what is it? Chocolates. No. No, darling. It's 24 ways you could try and look better. Oof. So I don't even get chocolates as well? No, no, no. No chocolates for you. If anything, I'd stay away from the chocolates. But here's some beauty products. Wow.

[00:10:29] Imagine the Christmas rows you'd get. But at the same time, if you did that with a really expensive one, at least, you know, they'd be like, oh, it's a really expensive moisturizer. It's £10. So at the end of 24 days, your partner, who's had no chocolate, who's been having to put these ointments and tinctures and treatments on their face, might walk downstairs on the way out to a Christmas due. And you can literally say to them, wow, you look $10-ish. I mean, just good luck with it, I think is what I'm saying.

[00:10:57] I want to give top lad points to a man who's in the news. There's a picture where Princess Catherine of Wales, or whatever the official title, I don't think it's Princess Catherine of Wales, but it feels like that should be. She went to visit some community hospital, and there's a picture of her on her royal visit, an actual royal visit. And this bloke, he's got no idea it's happening. Literally five feet behind him, he's just sat there just minding his own, and behind him a royal visit. Top, top points. Come on.

[00:11:26] Being that absolutely nonplussed is a level of coolness that I'll never achieve. Well done, sir. He's not even sitting properly. He's thoroughly slouching down in this waiting room. What am I meant to do? I'm not going to read these magazines. They're all out of date. No idea that literally news is happening behind him. That is the level of not paying attention to stuff that I think most men aspire to. It's the only way to get through life. There's a story about poultry and captive birds. Game. No, that's the non-captive ones, isn't it? I just like the word.

[00:11:55] Poultry must be kept inside. It's official, in case you've got any poultry yourself. This is protect flocks from bird flu. No, Dr. Christine Middlemiss, the UK's chief veterinary officer, has issued the mandatory poultry, keep your chickens in, the mandatory poultry housing order. And I've got to be honest, from the point of view of the chicken, they must think, oh, thank heavens. Oh, it's a bit nippy out there. No. And they don't mind.

[00:12:23] And they must think, what, you're keeping us in to keep us warmer and away from disease? Oh, thank you. Of course, this includes turkey. You wait till they find out why they're being kept healthy. Ugh, bad news. You paying attention to the I'm a celebrity stuff? The celebrities doing what they do and that thing? There's details of Wayne Rooney. I'm a celebrity's Wayne Rooney is in the pink after spending two days in Australian sun before the junk that's a picture of him has gone red. Look, I'm amazed that when I went to Portugal the other week that I didn't come back burnt.

[00:12:52] I am truly an absolute Brit when it comes to the ability to deal with the sun. And I never thought that, that if I ever went on I'm a celebrity, I, you always think the big problem will be the lack of sanitation, the having to chomp on a kangaroo's bits, having to deal with the other celebrities. They look insufferable. And I forgot. Turning bright pink and peeling would be, oh. You know, it just makes me realize it's another good reason why I didn't bother to be successful.

[00:13:21] Because that way I'm never going to get asked on I'm a celebrity. Yeah. No, you're welcome, world. Front page of one of the newspapers today says, Beyonce, why I'm crazy in love with London. I mean, look, I get the pun title thing to do with a song, but she likes London. Isn't that nice? This massive celebrity from America says that she, oh, she's in love with London. Thank you. Can I put forward the concept that maybe you're in love with it because you can afford it? Because you are really rich.

[00:13:51] Listen, I love London too. But the last time I had some time to kill and I went to try and get a double espresso in a cafe Nero, I realized I can't afford London anymore. But Beyonce can. And so if you want to enjoy London, try and be an internationally famous millionaire who, just in case you still run out of money in London, is married to an international millionaire. Between the two of you, that means you could have a great day out, maybe two days out. I wouldn't say too long, otherwise you will be broke again. It is London we're talking about.

[00:14:20] And that's about all we have time for. Thank you for listening to today's podcast. Subscribe to wherever you found this here podcast. You can track me down on social media at Mr. Steve N Allen. And until next time, thank you for listening to Stephen Allen almost daily. This podcast is part of Podomity, the UK's podcast comedy network. Why not laugh at what else we've got? Visit Podomity.com.