Political Donations Need Reform

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[00:00:30] Hello, I'm Stephen Allen and welcome to Stephen Allen Almost Daily. Your daily news update, the podcast that keeps you up to date with the very latest, including our new leaderboard for how much money reform have been given. And if you are a crypto billionaire listening, if you could just spare a few more million, we could just add to this total and get this whole democracy thing over and done with. It'll free up a lot of time. So I know we have a lot of crypto billionaires listening. Do the right thing. Meanwhile, let's check the front pages.

[00:00:59] All right, front pages. I've not seen them yet, so let's walk through them together. Oh, yeah, here we go. And Bitcoin, front page of the mirror. And this is a £72 million donation fallout. Rainer claims reform could face action over crypto billionaires' cash. How would they afford the lawyers to defend against that? Questions intensify over Farage's attack on Bank of England chief. Did he hit him? You know, I probably should have read the story first.

[00:01:26] First, unions say workers will suffer in want of a crisis of democracy. And the Lords will today debate stopping mega gifts. This is the thing. The first guy, the Dello guy, he gave £36 billion. Sorry, million. One million for every month up to the latest date of a potential election. But gave it all. He paid it all up front. Which that's easy. You know what? You've got a lot of money when you pay things up front, haven't you?

[00:01:52] But the idea was to pay for it up front in case they brought in gifts, rules on gifts. So missed it by that much. Good luck, the Lords, making no difference. The front page of the Daily Telegraph. Hospitality chiefs urge PM to cut VAT. Burnham told that he must honour a pledge to reduce the levy to 10% and save thousands of jobs. I mean, as I effectively, in the world of stand-up, I work in hospitality, even though you wouldn't think so when you see my set.

[00:02:21] But, you know, technically, if beer goes down a bit, I'll do better. So, yeah, I'll be in favour of that. The picture that goes with that is a picture of Andy Burnham who's doing another one of his runs or something. He's doing the Great North Run. He's meant to be busy, isn't he? Dude, I barely have time to get me 5Ks in. And I am nowhere near as important. Also on the front page, no ice cream and compulsory lentils in school meal shake-up. Schoolchildren will be made to eat lentils and chickpeas.

[00:02:50] Had they not suffered enough? I know back in the olden days we'd send 12-year-olds up the chimney. But these days, lentils? Shakepeas? Rules to be announced today by the Department for Education will force schools to put pulses into the menu. And that's front page news. Like, literally, finger on the pulse.

[00:03:18] Also, the front page of the I reformed £72 million crypto bonanza sparks labour donation row. Have they got anything else of interest on the front page there? We make 10 seconds of film a week. Like, the people behind Shaun the Sheep. Okay. You're right. That's not a lot. You should think about doing it a different way. Honestly, the Aardman people, it's all very well being interviewed in the I, but the first job that AI is going to replace is whoever's making Shaun the Sheep. You know what I mean?

[00:03:48] Labour tourist tax will hammer seaside B&Bs. That's a bit out of date, isn't it? This is the front page of the Express. Well, that was like last week's news. But Labour's planned tourist tax on overnight stays. I'm a little bit worried about this. Because sometimes I do a stand-up comedy gig and I stay overnight in a hotel. How am I going to let them know that I very much am not doing it for my own pleasure? I'm not a tourist.

[00:04:17] I'll have to somehow declare that I'm there working, performing comedy. And then they'll see my set and they'll be like, I don't think you are. Pay the tax anyway. And then something about Celine Dion's back at work. Trump rejects industry calls for break on AI over fears of losing race to China. That's why that guy from Anthropic quit the other day saying that everyone needs to slow down. But no one's going to slow down for the fear of China taking over. Either way, our AI is going to get made there.

[00:04:47] And Labour threat to reforms, £72 million windfall. There must be something else. Is that the only news around? Wowzers. Look, I don't want to be too biased because I will say this. If you are a crypto billionaire and you want to do donations to people who in some way can sway the political needle, maybe you want to find some dude who's got a podcast that comes out quite regularly. Really? I'm not saying you need to give me £38 billion or whatever. £38 million.

[00:05:16] I'd take a tenner if I'm brutally honest. But if you are a crypto billionaire, just, you know, floating me flag up there. Kofi.com forward slash Mr. Stephen Allen. Billionaires. It's a long shot, but it's worth it, isn't it? Them's your front pages. Let's get inside the news. I like to keep across AI news for us because why not? It's going to be the thing that ruins humanity. And look at this one. There's a picture in the paper of a rogue robot kicking the remote control out of the engineer's hand. Who's controlling it?

[00:05:44] The man testing the high-tech device looked to be taken back. I mean, you would, wouldn't you? So he's got the remote control and the robot just suddenly sprang forwards, sending the remote control flying across the room. This is the robots stopping us being in control of robots. This, look, I don't think we stand a chance, and I'll tell you why. These robots are turning against us, and I can't even get my printer to, and wait for it, print.

[00:06:14] I don't know if you've done the same, where your printer just like, it says connect to the Wi-Fi, it never flipping does. If I can't make the printer print, there is no way these robots are going to listen to me. So I think we're all doomed. Alan Carr's pal, by the way, just mention Alan Carr, I've got to do it. Oh, hello, I'm Alan Carr. His friend, Amanda Holden, didn't talk to him for a week to keep his NTA surprise from him. What's that? National Television Award.

[00:06:39] The Chatty Man star was honoured with the Special Recognition Award to honour his long career in showbiz. Oh, hello, I'm Alan Carr. So because he won this award, Amanda Holden didn't want to let the cat out of the bag, didn't want to release the secret, so she didn't speak to him for a week. So in many ways, he won twice. I don't know why I'm being such a git about this. I have no idea if she's a nice person or not. I just, you see that opening, it's an open goal, isn't it? Do you know what? I'm sure she's lovely. I take it all back.

[00:07:08] Oh, I'm Alan Carr. Bad news. The headline here says, Heatwaves shrinking our nuts. That is bad news, isn't it? Shall we read on to find out details before I pass comment? The World Conquer Championship is being threatened because the heatwave has ruined our chestnuts. Well, our horse chestnuts. In fact, they're not that big. I imagine you can't call them, they're nothing like a horse really, are they? They're too small for usage. Organisers fear the nuts will be too tiny.

[00:07:37] For the October 11th tournament to take place, bosses are conducting a nationwide review of the quality of Britain's conquers. I mean, all right, we'll get over it though, won't we? I imagine if we can't do the Conquer Championship, well, either we just don't do it and somehow you'll have to press on with your life. I don't know how you'll cope, but maybe you will. And there is the fact that you could use chestnuts. They've alluded to it there. The Conquer is not exactly the chestnut, but if you swap them all out for chestnuts,

[00:08:06] no one would notice. But yes, the other option is just use the small ones. It'll just look like you're playing the World Conquer Championship, but you're doing it slightly further away. What I'm saying is this does not matter. So Donald Trump has hit the UK with a double whammy, calling for a united Ireland and questioning Britain's commitment to the Falklands. It's almost as if he's not our best friend, really.

[00:08:33] But the bit about – so he had a little chit-chat and he said, why not have a united Ireland and why not do it now rather than later? Have you heard the clip of him talking about it afterwards where he then does a little – because he's always playing to the crowd, getting a laugh, saying like he was asked about it and he said, there's no good answer. Whatever your answer, someone's going to be upset. I think I came up with a good answer. So firstly, not even agreeing with his own logic, but have you ever tried not giving an answer?

[00:08:59] You know if there's no good answer, don't answer the darn question. You can just – when your partner says, does my bottom look big in this, there is no good answer. Well, obviously I suppose there is. But you can't lie. The – do you know what? It's not exactly the same, but it's in that sort of ballpark, isn't it? Do you want a little bit of entertainment news then? Lady Gaga has welcomed her first child with fiancé Michael Polanski, according to reports. Good on her. She's four-seat call, little baby.

[00:09:27] I think it's nice given that she's made a career out of the word Gaga and she's actually going to meet a thing that does it. You know, put it into context. Then again, she's made a career out of having the word lady in her name and I don't think – I was going to say I don't think she is one. I don't mean that rumour. If anything, she's put that rumour to bed. Instead, it's very difficult to – well, let's not get into it. No, I mean I don't think she's been given – you know, like lords and ladies.

[00:09:54] I don't think she's got one of those titles unless she's bought it from that thing where you can just buy a small area of Scotland, like a one-foot square thing and get the title. And if she didn't do, I don't think she's got good commitment. I mean, obviously she's got a kid to follow through on the surname bit. But the first name, come on, put your money where your mouth is. Have you heard the news that comedian Jimmy Carr is set to be the new frontman of Top Gear? They're rebooting again. Yeah, never really settled down after the Clarkson thing, did it? But this is the new version. You're going to get Jimmy Carr on it.

[00:10:22] The series was pulled for almost four years and now it's going to be – I mean, he's not – Jimmy Carr's not – I mean, look, his surname obviously helps. But by the same token, you could have had Alan Carr. Oh, hello! Ooh-hoo! And Hugh Laurie. They would have been good people if you'd just going on surnames. Jean-Claude Van Damme. They're the only people whose names just fit. But I don't know if Jimmy Carr's – one thing I do know, if you've got Jimmy Carr doing Top Gear,

[00:10:51] someone needs to check that those cars have been taxed. Because, you know. So a survey has been done and they found out, again, with these surveys – no one needs this info – but a third of people have stood in their wheelie bin. And you think, why? What's happening there? What am I missing out? I've never stood in my wheelie bin. Maybe I'm too big. I'm six foot two. Maybe I'm just worried if I do it on the wrong day. If I do that on a Thursday night, next thing you know, I'll be taken away Friday morning. You've got to know when your bin day is.

[00:11:20] But apparently, according to the survey, it's because they try to squish their rubbish down. All right. Yeah, I suppose. This is – I mean, 38% of people tell us that they could recycle more. It's vital that we do. Are they literally saying the reason you should recycle is so you don't have to stand in your bin? If that's a waste of a survey, literally, I say to you, get in the bin, and you probably have.

[00:11:50] Silly survey. Watch out. There's a thing here saying pub goers are having the wool pulled over their eyes with 38 international different pints actually brewed in Britain. It's got a foreign name. And we see foreign name and we think, ooh, it's still got one of those imported lagers. And it turns out it's brewed in the UK. Boozing faves such as Madri Excepcional. Cruz Campo have marketed as Spanish beers. There's that Birra Moretti thing.

[00:12:19] You think it's Italian. Sol, you think it's Mexican. Turns out they're just done down the road. I don't know. I don't mind this. As long as you know this is probably what you're falling for. I actually quite – I like the idea of saying the name of a beer with a foreign accent. It just makes it seem like it's better. Oh, I'll have a – do you fancy a can of Kestrel? Ooh. That's not as bad as you imagine it's going to be until you taste it, is it? Ooh.

[00:12:45] Shall we sit outside this cash point with a can of Special Brau? You know what I mean? The more you say it like that, the more it seems less like you've got a problem. By the way, have you got any more holidays planned for the year? We're a bit late in the season now, aren't we? But Spain has turned up as the food poisoning capital of Europe. It's quite a different thing, isn't it? This is according to a survey of holidaying Brits. 28% of UK visitors got ill after eating there.

[00:13:13] Twice the number, which is the place in the second place, Turkey. I was in Turkey recently. It's a shame, isn't it? We're getting food poisoning on holiday. I think the great irony of it – I mean, I went to Portugal once and ate this seafood platter. And there was something on there that did not agree with me. Oh, man alive. I was like a factory outlet for about three days. And the big shame of that is when you go on holiday, you get food poisoning there.

[00:13:41] The thing that really annoys me is when you get home, you're more bikini body ready than you actually went on holiday with. Do you know what I mean? That's the thing that somehow guts me the most. Right, that's your podcast done for another day. But hopefully you've been updated with some news. We'll do another one tomorrow if you're around. We'll try and give you a brief news shock right in your ears. Get subscribed to wherever you found this podcast in all your podcast outlets. Check us out on social media as well, at Mr. Stephen Allen. Till next time.

[00:14:09] Thank you for listening to Stephen Allen Almost Daily. This podcast is part of Podomity, the UK's podcast comedy network. Why not laugh at what else we've got? Visit Podomity.com.