Should UK Ban Vertical Drinking?

[00:00:00] Hello, I'm Steve N Allen and welcome to Steve N Allen Almost Daily. The podcast that gets you up to date with the most news in the shortest amount of time? That might be true actually. On a day, Friday the 7th of August, when everyone seems to be upset by the early prisoner release scheme other than Engelbert Humperdinck. And I'd just like to take a moment to acknowledge how with cultural references like that, I'm getting that really young audience in, aren't I?

[00:00:29] That's what's going to bring in the dollar. Let's take a look at your front pages. We can start with The Times today, £3.20 if you're not a subscriber. You're the best in the world, boss told professor in plagiarism row. And I think there's some truth to this, but this is the story of Professor Jason Arday, who's now resigned, not admitted to telling any porcupines at all. Ironically, not even the one about a pig's head. There's another story about a pig's head.

[00:00:53] And he's now stepped out, which doesn't mean he's necessarily saying some of the things he claimed were not true. But it's a flipping miracle if they weren't, wouldn't it? But the boss at Cambridge, this is Professor Hilary Kremin, said that he was the best in the world. Oh yeah. Telling porcupines, even about pigs. But don't want to get sued. Also on the front page, they're advertising inside their Times to Tomadea,

[00:01:20] which is either a portmanteau between Tom Holland and Zendaya, or it's Tomadea. It's probably the first one, isn't it? Also on the front page, number 10 aides. Let me throw the ukulele down there. It stops me trying to use it again later. Number 10 aides show Blokey Burnham the red card. Andy Burnham's been told to tone down his bloke-ish videos by number 10 social media experts.

[00:01:47] Yeah, oh, the toxic masculinity that was coming through. Him and another man in a pub eating snacks. Oh, it's the kind of thing that starts wars, isn't it? I'm mad for it. I like scampi fries. No, I like knick-knacks. Knick-knacks is a very fun thing to say in a really bad Manchester accent. Have a try. Team Burnham are receiving daily reports from the unit, which includes experts in data and social media analytics.

[00:02:17] Last week they advised the Prime Minister to limit the number of references to football, and now I'm with you on that one, and the pub in an attempt to appeal to a broader audience. They might be correctly ahead of the curve here. If your main cultural reference is the pub, seeing as they are dying out, at some point on the graph, the young'uns will be like, what's this? I don't even get it. What's this pub they're going on about? Do? I think that's how that goes. Front page of the Daily Telegraph,

[00:02:46] another picture of Tom Holland. Should have thrown it further away. Tories to end social housing for foreigners. Here's the story they've got as their main one on the front page. More than 230,000 face eviction under Badenock's plans to end Cash Machine UK. I get that they're trying to find a slogan, a catchphrase.

[00:03:14] Cash Machine UK isn't really it, is it? Because you can get cash out of the UK. And cash machines... It's not got any fives. No, it's a bank holiday weekend. They've not filled it. You know what I mean? Also, before we move on, fears of Burnham tax rise prompts £1.6 billion stock market sell-off. Now's the time to buy then, isn't it? Do not take any advice from me. The Daily Mail, foreign nationals face social housing ban under Tories. Also the Zendaya and Tom... No, move it away from me. I will.

[00:03:44] I will play it again. Secret £500,000 wedding in Surrey. This is good. We want more millionaires to come and waste money in the UK. If we could get loads of these film stars to think they need to get married, then we'll be making money. And actually, I'm surprised young people aren't having a bigger problem with this because Tom and Zendaya met at work. This is one of them there inappropriate.

[00:04:14] Who had the more power? The star of Spider-Man, the film called Spider-Man who plays Spider-Man in the film Spider-Man, or some other person who's acting in that film? This is a power imbalance. By the way, now I think Tom Holland is now a producer of this. I think that's why the latest Spider-Man film is really good. Someone who actually cares has paid attention to it. But the others were good, but this is apparently really good. Not seen yet. But this is a power imbalance relationship. Gen Zs are meant to absolutely hate this, and yet when they're both young and attractive, they just keep shdum about it, don't they?

[00:04:43] We are failing sex gang victims once again. This is an early release issue. Whistleblower Maggie Oliver slams early release for men who destroyed childhood. Yeah. I know there was a story about Andy Burnham having an investigation into this. That can't take long, can it? That's a page. I barely need a piece of A5 and a pen to scrap that one. So look, people who are part of sex rings, child sex abuse rings, I'd say bad. Next.

[00:05:13] And I know there's a loophole about technically they were found guilty under like an indecency law. Come on, come on. Then include that in the ones that aren't released. The Mirror. Andrew, my stalker ordeal. Prince Andrew, no longer a prince, was stalked by a stalker who might not be a stalker. He was wearing a balaclava. And I'll admit, it's not been the weather for it. Front page of the Daily Star. Madness. Mad for it. Knick-knacks.

[00:05:40] This is a plan to stop people standing in pubs. And it also feels like that's the goal of pubs sometimes, doesn't it? Depends how long you're in there. But by the end of being in there, you can't stand. What have they got against standing? Need to raise some questions there. I, the web. Spidey hitched in country pile. Oof. Tom and Zendaya. Tyler and I. I didn't realise this would be the main story of the day. Spider-Man got married. Alright.

[00:06:09] In a secret half-million-pound bash at UK Hotel. Yeah, I think I've already covered that one. And every river and lake in England polluted with toxic chemicals. This is on the front page of the Eye. All rivers, lakes, reservoirs. And it's nice to remember we've got some of those. Maybe we should build some more of those. Hey, water companies. If you want somewhere else to put your poos, build some more reservoirs. We'll meet you halfway. In England, polluted with forever chemicals like Teflon and those kind of ones.

[00:06:38] Microplastics. Microplastics. I am worried, actually, that now everyone's got microplastics in them, haven't they? You can't avoid it. I'm worried that I've got so much microplastics in that if I lean near a card reader, there's a chance I'll go beep. I've flipping paid for that. I've paid for that. I do worry. No, they say you've got the amount of a credit card inside you. If it all accumulates randomly in one butt cheek and you lean near the scanner, beep. Oh, great. I'm on the hook for that as well now. The Guardian.

[00:07:08] Toxic pollution in every body of water. Great. Cambridge unleashed grotesque racism with our day appointment. Ah, this is. So by appointing someone who fibbed their way into the job, the problem isn't the fibbing. The problem is people noticing. I said this on the live stream last night. Hopefully this is not contention. Of course it is. But it shouldn't be. There are two groups of people who are delighted by the news that this person who seems to have lied has resigned.

[00:07:36] People who like truth and be old racist. And the problem is they're both agreeing at the same time. And just because Group B exists doesn't mean Group A should no longer have a voice. That's deep, isn't it? That's deep. Sitting room only in pubs is the front page of the Metro and we've done your front pages. Let's jump inside the papers. The nation's just recovering from its electricity supply failure that caused a major disruption to trains in the Midlands and the northwest of England. This is according to National Rail.

[00:08:05] The group reported the incident shortly after 2pm. Oh, I've seen the headlines breaking. Trans Pennines Express. Which actually feels like a bit cheeky. Do you know how long it takes to try and get over the Pennines on a train? I'm not sure they should be allowed the word express. You know what I mean? Yeah, there'll be some technicality where it also means a word about making coffee. That's probably how they get you. They said all trains will be stopped due to the failure in the communication systems. I would have thought it took more power to run the darn train on the tracks than it does to...

[00:08:35] Although is it electrified up there? Do they have electricity in the north? I think that's the question I'm asking here. Because of the lack of power, they couldn't communicate between the trains and all that stuff. Trains were unable to run safely. So I suppose it's glad they stopped. We should be glad. The National Rail spokesperson said... Hang on, said... I don't expect it to be in the north. Because I think that's... Is that how they talk... The National Rail spokesperson said... This is expected to cause major disruptions to the end of the day if you're travelling by Avanti West Coast, cross-country, East Midlands Railway.

[00:09:04] Again, Avanti. I think we need to clamp down on these train companies having words that mean fast. Because you don't get to have that. Have you looked at yourself? Come on. They should have to carry the shame of being rebranded as Slow Coach West Coast. Trans Pennines if you're lucky. That's what... You see? I made... I solved another one. I want to go back to this story about... Have you seen it? They want to try and stop people standing up whilst drinking.

[00:09:35] This is a council that is trying to ban vertical drinking. Even that just sends a shudder down my spine. Oh, the fact that someone would come up with that name. Vertical drinking needs to be discouraged due to health and safety. I never saw a problem with it. And I'm one of the biggest killjoys around. Oh, I'm a miserable old man. But the idea of... Don't get me wrong. I'd love to sit down. Oh, I always... Oh, I love a sit down. Whether I'm drinking, I sit down.

[00:10:01] But I'd rather they fix the problem of having to stand up on trains before they fix the problem of standing up in pubs. Do you know what I mean? No one's out there going, it's ridiculous that you actually have to stand on a busy train. Which it technically is, isn't it? Like, I would come up with that argument that cattle don't get transported like that. Of course, cattle do. Cattle don't really sit down. Bad example, Steve. But there are bigger problems to solve before you make sure everyone's got a seat when they're having a little drink. Those people who stand outside having a nice pint at the end of the day. Oh, you can't do that.

[00:10:31] That's illegal. Meanwhile, shoplifting. Not yourself. Sit down while you're doing it. Or at least sit down after you've done some shoplifting and the council won't mind. You know, remember the World Cup? That was a thing, wasn't it? Do you remember? Well, it's not quite over for some. Argentina is to hold a national celebration day to mark the anniversary of the World Cup semi-final victory over England. And that looks great if it weren't for that semi-final part.

[00:10:59] The word semi is really letting you down, as it often does. July 15th will be a national football team's day when the folk in the South American country gather annually to remember their 2-1 triumph over the UK. But again, if the thing you're celebrating is a semi-win, you didn't win the whole thing. If I were allowed to celebrate every time I didn't follow through and succeed totally, I would have a much...

[00:11:27] Oh, the amount of champagne I'd be getting through would be a nightmare. Cavemen. Apparently, if you look at their DNA, you can work out that they've passed down the genetic key that helps people bulk up. But scientists in Sweden found a link between muscle mass and Neanderthal DNA that gives the carriers an average 271 grams more. So for a while, they thought there was like Homo sapiens. You can say that, don't worry. And Neanderthals.

[00:11:55] And we did do a little bit of interbreeding. Don't approve of it myself, but technically another species. It feels like there'd be a law against it. But, you know, it was absolutely fine back in the day. And some of us have Neanderthal DNA. I probably have more than most. I'll admit that. You can't be this brutish. I look very brutish. It's probably the Neanderthal thing. That heavy brow. The fact that if I don't depilate, I just have the one brow. Yeah, I'll blame that.

[00:12:23] But if you're related to cavemen and it makes you a bit stronger, should I be able to pick off a wildebeest? This is the thing. I've never really tried. Do I have the ability to knock a woolly mammoth off a cliff and eat it? Because maybe that's what I should be good at. Maybe I'm not adapted to this job and that would be better for me. It would make more sense, wouldn't it? There's a move to ban spy glasses. What?

[00:12:50] So these are these glasses that you know you get, they've got like cameras in them these days. They've been banned from restaurants and pubs over privacy fears. Tech company Meta's £359, that's why I'm not getting them, specs allow the wearer to record what they see using cameras in the frames. But it's without the knowledge of those around them, I suppose. It's not like when you're in the world of telly, any of the cameras that are filming you, there's a big red light on it. That would solve it, wouldn't it? If these glasses had to have a massive red light when they were recording.

[00:13:19] You'd know then, you'd know the weirdos were. But now many UK venues, including Wetherspoons, has banned them over privacy fears. And I fully agree with this. Tim Martin, it's not often we agree, but I agree with you now, sir. Because I do not want there being any video evidence that I was in a Wetherspoons last night. Keep that between ourselves. That's kind of part of the agreement, isn't it?

[00:13:43] Another survey in the news that we probably didn't need the details of, but leaving the packet open until the biscuits go soft has been crowned Britain's worst tea time crime. Now, it's not, is it? I mean, I think the worst ones, having a cup of tea and a biscuit whilst committing industrial espionage, there's a worse one. So it's badly phrased. But I think I know what they mean. That opening a packet of biscuits and then not going through on the deal. Poor follow through. That's how I see it.

[00:14:11] Whenever I've had any job interviews and they say, you know, do you have good follow through? In certain tasks, definitely. 40% of Brits think that that is a bad thing. Eating the treats in bed and leaving crumbs. That's worse, isn't it? Dunking them until they break. And said, it just shows how seriously Brits take their biscuit etiquette. No, don't. Just because you did a survey doesn't mean we take it seriously.

[00:14:39] We think it's a bad thing to do. But I'd like to think, look, no one's saying about some of the great dictators of our time. Yeah, they did some wrong stuff, but they always finish their biscuits. I don't, I don't think that's how we think. There you go. So, in far this under least surprising news from the newspapers, most teenagers intend to opt out of the social media curfew. Yeah, that's the problem with an opt-out curfew, isn't it? You've got to opt out of it.

[00:15:07] A curfew is like banning someone from doing something. You can't really have an opt-in ban. Because you're kind of free to not do that thing in the first place. Effectively, we have an opt-in curfew now in as much as you can turn your own phone off if you want. So, again, far that under one of the dumbest ideas we've had from governments. And that is quite the high bar, isn't it? In kind of entertainment news. Band Queen of the Stone Age. They've launched a hotline. I like this idea.

[00:15:37] Because it promises fans that their gripes will be reviewed personally. The group announced the service, which appears to provide callers with a chance to be connected with a band member. It's a hotline. I won't give out the number here. It's available 24-7. What? And a chance to say, a chance that some may even find a live ear at the end of the line. So some of the calls will be answered by an actual call. Your call is important to us. I like the idea of that. Because if you've got something you want to get off your chest, call the band Queens of the Stone Age.

[00:16:05] And you don't have to worry about it spreading further. Because they definitely have the lost art of keeping a secret. Ho-ho! Song title pun. Did it. And finally, a woman arrested as a Southport riot suspect was released after showing police her birthmark. Was he on her... Hang on, let me have a look. She was nicked after a tip-off, which accused her of... Oh, to prove it wasn't her. Oh! I thought it was like, oh, officer, look at this. Zip. But it's not.

[00:16:35] It just goes to show sometimes your first assumptions on these stories are wrong. Thank you very much for listening. You're up to date with lots of the news that we managed to find you from today. Monday, we'll do another. I don't think we'll do one over the weekend. You never can tell these days. We can churn these bad boys out. So get subscribed to wherever you found this podcast. If you listen on... You don't have long. But at 11 o'clock today, I'm on BBC Five Live chatting about the news. There's the live stream on YouTube at 12. YouTube.com forward slash at Mr. Steve N Allen. Just do all the things.

[00:17:04] Follow, like, click, all of that lark. Until the next one. Thank you for listening to Steve N Allen (almost) Daily. This podcast is part of Podomity, the UK's podcast comedy network. Why not laugh at what else we've got? Visit Podomity.com. For more information, visit Podomity.com. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.