Steve Ends Homelessness

[00:00:00] Hello, I'm Stephen Allen and welcome to Stephen Allen Almost Daily. The podcast that gets you all of the news quickly into your head on a day when the big news seems to be inflation has gone up to 2.9%, but don't let that worry you. Remember, inflation is simply the measure of the rate at which things are getting worse. So even when it's a lower number, they're still getting worse. So, has that cheered you up? No? Oh well, I'm sure the front pages won't.

[00:00:26] We can start with the front page of The Times, which has Power Shift puts growth in hands of Number 10 North. So the story is that Andy Burnham has said that Number 10 North will take over responsibility for economic growth from the Treasury. You've literally got a whole department in charge of the economy, but economic growth is going to be moved up north. Listen, I am from the north. I say bath. I say path. I say grass. I say I need a bath because I've been on the grass path.

[00:00:57] However, even I'm willing to say, is the north expert at economic growth? It would seem mathematically not. If you look at the economic growth that the south has had, this is the big beef here, is that it's done way better than the north has. So maybe you'd put the south in charge of it, you know what I mean? Awkward. I was on the telly once and I got in trouble for this. They were talking about inheritance tax, very much like the Ricky Gervais thing.

[00:01:26] And he said he's going to get married to try and skirt around a little bit of inheritance tax, which seems to be working within the system. That's fine. The newspapers are conflating this with the story of trying to get rid of inheritance tax, which I would be against. But anyway, so the channel I was on seemed very much opposed to the idea of inheritance tax. I'm sure the people funding it had a lot of money. And there was a woman in the audience who said that she was against it because she worked hard all her life, working class.

[00:01:53] And she's now, when she retires or no, when she dies, she'd be a millionaire. And everyone's like, wow, yeah, you shouldn't have to give a penny in that money. Wow, you've already paid tax on it once and why do they try to tax you again? And I know it was going to be unpopular. But I said to her, you own a house in London? She said, yeah. And she was a lovely old lady, right? And I said, brilliant. Every single penny that you've earned through going to work, you paid your income tax, you paid your national insurance. Brilliant.

[00:02:19] Every single penny that you earned to buy that house, which I'm guessing was, I don't know, worst case scenario, 200 grand. Probably not even 200 grand. And now it's worth, I imagine most of your million pounds going to be from the house price. Go, no, is that right? She said, yeah. And I said, so you've not paid a penny of tax on like 800,000. The awkwardness in the audience when everyone's like, oh, we don't like him, but he's right. Which is also how I feel in most relationships. Not sure how we got there.

[00:02:49] Back to the front pages. Darwin has last life a reason for ticklishness. They have researched why we humans have ticklishness. I still don't like that. That's okay not knowing that. Do you know what I mean? I would rather society not understand the fundamentals behind ticklishness rather than there be people in universities go around tickling people and calling it research. Bunch O'Rongans. The front page of the Daily Mail.

[00:03:19] As I think about women aging, two male writers go head to head. They're answering the question, where do you stand on the divisive debate on how women should age? I guess there are two types. Well, there are three types, aren't they? There's growing old gracefully, letting the greys come in, dressing older as you get older. And there's dressing to look younger as you get older. And there's dying. And I am going to go out on a limb and say the third one's a bad one.

[00:03:48] And that's the only thing I'm going to say on that for fear of getting in trouble. I was chatting with a neighbor because I popped to the shops to get newspapers for this. And he was talking about, oh, your little lad, he's growing up quick, isn't he? So the thing is with my little lad, because I'm quite a tall chap. You can't tell from the Internet. But, you know, I breach the six-foot barrier. I've headbutted a few doors in my time. I'm not massive, I'm not a freak. But I'm the ideal height. Anything tall is terrible. Anything short is worse.

[00:04:17] I think most people think like that, don't they? It's like the definition of promiscuity is more than you. But my little lad, he's in like six-year-old clothes, even though he's four. And I said, the problem with that is people look at him and think he's six, but he's got the mental age of a four-year-old. And he does, to be fair, because he's four. And blessing my neighbor was saying, well, I'm sure he'll be quite advanced anyway. And he was trying to be complimentary because he said, I think his parents are quite advanced, so he'll be all right.

[00:04:44] And I said, what, are you saying that even though I'm in my 40s, I've got a mental age of someone in their 50s? Because that's the corollary here, isn't it? And I'm sure I actually have. Front page of the Daily Star, Clarkson Lawn. He's found a way of watering his lawn. OK, now he's dug a hole and there's water in there. Which actually is what we have to do these days. We are heading to a future with our water companies where unless something's done, the only way to get a drink will be to dig for it. Would not be surprised.

[00:05:13] The Telegraph. What's this up here? Getting shirty. The Premier League's best and worst kits. Are they reviewing the fan ones? Or is someone just being an absolute B word about it, watching football going, that does not work with your eyes. That's probably the only thing I could do with football, actually. Who's this? Do you know what I mean? You've got the story of global borrowing hits record levels. You get stories like that and you think, I might as well just join in. Why am I not getting myself in debt?

[00:05:42] But the Daily Express campaigning for a better Britain, apparently. They've got the story of, it's all about Queen Camilla who's been talking about what it was like for her when her husband had cancer. Is it because he can't give us the, his side of the story would be the important one, wouldn't it? As far as it looks like, in the royal family, Queen, I'm going to be harsh here. Queen Camilla seems to be one of the few members of the royal family that's not recently had cancer and they're doing an interview with her about it.

[00:06:09] But, no rough sleepers, says the Eye, still on streets by end of 2026. Pledges Rainer. That's interesting because every other newspaper says it's Burnham's goal. Burnham, oh, it's on the mirror. PM, my moral mission to end rough sleeping. There's another one, I saw it somewhere else as well. I just saw it flick by. The Guardian, Burnham pledges to get all rough sleepers off street by Christmas. But the Eye is putting it in Rainer's camp.

[00:06:38] A camp, that's not going to be the solution. Actually, it wouldn't be a bad solution, would it? The weather we've had, pitch some tents, off you crack. Every homeless person across England will be offered a bed by Christmas, the housing secretary announces. So it is hers, isn't it? Is she the housing? Oh, she's gone back to housing. She knows a thing or two about Stamp GT now, I imagine. I bet she's Googled that once or twice. Questions remain over how the £442 million pandemic-inspired pledge will be delivered with 5,000 people on the streets.

[00:07:08] Hang on. There are 5,000 people on the streets. I'm getting the calculator out. This is what makes for exciting content. I don't use the calculator out very often. Hang on. So, 442 and the million is six zeros. One, two, three, four, five, six. Whoa! That's such a big number. The font's got smaller. Divided by 5,000 people. One, two, three. Equals. 88,000 pounds.

[00:07:37] 88,400 quid. We can scrap the 400 quid. Don't worry about it. 88,000 pounds each. You can buy a house in the north for that, can't you? Actually, hang on. Stay there. We're doing it as well. I'm going on Zoopla. Zoopla house prices. What can you buy for 80,000 pounds? Oh, it needs a postcode. I'm not playing that. I'm not playing that. Buy. Here we are. Property for sale. Search. I don't want to search by postcode.

[00:08:06] I want max price. 88. Okay, let's go 90,000. Searching. Need a postcode. Damn evil. No. So, it's something. NG. NG. One. Start with Nottingham. Wow. No way. Hang on. There's a one-bed place in Nottingham for 25,000 pounds. I know that the north is struggling. Right, what else have we got?

[00:08:37] In WorkSop, of course WorkSop. I'm from Mansfield. Don't get me started on WorkSop. 75,000 pounds for that place. 90,000 pounds for a one-bed thing in Stapleford, NG. NG9, sorry. Gainsborough for 69 grand. It will give you a spacious first-floor flat in the town centre. Oh, with a sitting tenant. But two things. Does it necessarily say you can't move in with him? And if he's sitting, all the top shelves are yours. You're up to date. Do you know what I'm saying, though?

[00:09:07] I think we can literally buy people flats. Wow, that was actual analysis. Also, back into the front pages, we can look at... Oh, there's only the Metro left. Callum Park's life and perfect Dua Day. Oh, this is the guy who's married... He's married to a Leaper. Could you just shut up about it? It's showing off, isn't it? The... Oh, what's my life like now that I'm married to Dua Lipa? I don't want the details. I have enough fantasy ones in my head without you making it worse, Callum Park.

[00:09:36] Is that his real name? Or just his location? Shall I see what's available in a place called Callum Park for 90 grand? It's not going to be anything, is it? So let's save ourselves the time. And there's your front pages. On the way next, we'll get inside the papers. In entertainment news, got some Rolling Stones news for you, actually. Rocker Ronnie Wood has painted the Rolling Stones nude. Now, first of all, due to the English language,

[00:10:03] we need to point out whether Ronnie was nude when he painted or whether he painted pictures of the people in the nude. And this is based on that... Do you remember Phil Cool used to do an impression of Rolf Harris? And already we're in dodgy territory. But he used to do a joke where he'd have Rolf say... People say... I'm not going to do the impression. He used to say, do you paint nude? And he said, no, I keep my socks on. Or something like that, right? So just to clarify, Ronnie Wood has painted a picture of Sir Mick Jagger and Sir Mick Jagger has no clothes on.

[00:10:33] That's weird, isn't it? If that happened in your workplace, if your co-worker came in and was like, oh, I did a little drawing on you. Oh, yeah, let's take a... Ho, ho! You'd be straight down HR, wouldn't you? If I were doing my radio show and Neil pops in and says, oh, yeah, the show's great today, Steve, thanks. Try and be a bit better with you. Yeah, yeah, no problem. I know you'd tell me every day. I'll definitely try. Meanwhile, here's a little... Look at this Etch-A-Sketch. I've done you naked. And I'd be like, oh, I'm never working here again.

[00:11:04] I just think it's... Of all the things to do, here's my top tip. Look, don't do paintings of your workmates naked. That's all there is to say on that. That is some golden advice. More than a third of people think that young people lacking motivation or a desire to work has contributed to the UK's problems. More than a third. So it's not massive amounts, but I get the idea. I don't know. I think it's not quite as easy as that. Yeah, sure.

[00:11:33] There must be some work-shy young people. Because they're a work-shy everyone. Come on. Last time I went in WH Smith to try to get served, instead of doing the self-scat, the attitude from the woman serving, she didn't want to be there. She was work-shy whilst being at work, which, if anything, is quite the skill. So I don't think it's just young people who don't want to work. Plus also, I remember from being young, you'd rather not be working because you could be out having fun. And this is the great thing about being my age. That other option's gone.

[00:12:04] My options are be at work or be looking after the kids. No wonder I love my work so much. Actually, what I'm saying is if you want to solve the problem of young people not working, you just need to increase the rate of teenage pregnancy. Is that where I was going with that one? I feel like I've made a mistake. Richard Madeley in the news. He's told a story of how he nearly choked. I suppose he did choke, but he stopped before it went too far. On some very rare beef. Firstly, he's absolutely showing off he likes it very rare.

[00:12:33] Because people who have rare meats, they really go into it. Oh, I want it blue. Bit of blue foot, dads. However, he was telling the story. He said it went straight into my windpipe. I tried to cough, but I had no air in my lungs. People came round and they were hammering me on the back. That's the real story here, isn't it? Imagine, especially if you were one of the guests that's had to deal with Richard Madeley doing his Alan Partridge impression on Good Morning Britain. And then he's choking. You're like,

[00:13:02] I've literally got the opportunity to smack Richard Madeley. No wonder he, the beef was knocked out of him. But they carried on. Just in case. I'm not a doctor, but I shouldn't stop now, Richard. You can, if you're interested in collecting stuff. Normally, I'm not one into memorabilia. You know that? There'll be a story about something from a TV show that's been sold at auction for 70 grand. And I'm like, why don't I get a new one? Just because, you know, Batman wore it or whatever. But look at this one. A school cap and a tie wore on stage by ACDC legend

[00:13:31] Angus Young is expected to fetch £6,000 at auction. It looks the part. It's only £6,000. It's not something stupid like £70,000 for a toenail clipping from Britney. This is £6,000 for the school cap and the tie. And the great thing about this is, I would say buy it. It's a good investment. It'll only go up in value. Plus, if people don't like ACDC when they come around and you show them, just say, the crankies. They weren't able to tell the difference. It's a twofer, isn't it? It's absolutely, it's good value for money there.

[00:14:01] Steve's investment top tips. In tech news, nearly all Brits used at least one form of online, mobile or telephone banking last year. I mean, that's not, not surprising, is it? Meanwhile, cash represents just 8% of all payments. You go in some shops these days and they say we don't accept cash. And for a while, first time you see that sign, you think, what do I have to do then instead? What kind of services are you expecting from me? Is this, have we gone back to Barter? Do I need to bring a hen with me? What's happened?

[00:14:30] Or is this kind of, we, I'm sure we can come to some arrangement. I'm only buying a coffee, love. I'm not going to do that for you. But no, it's all about contactless these days, isn't it? But I love that the survey says mobile, online or telephone banking. If you're still doing telephone banking, that's what they used to do back in the 90s, isn't it? You should get yourself, you get yourself a mobile phone. You can do things in the apps. You should hear about this internet. It'll save you tons of time. Ikea's getting in on the act, by the way. Ikea is taking on the likes of

[00:14:59] eBay and Facebook Marketplace and Vinted. My day, I don't quite understand what Vinted is, but it's got my missus hooked. She spends most of her time buying and selling stuff on Vinted. Instead of it being like shared childcare, I look after the kids when she's off down the, there's a car park with like boxes in. You can get parcels delivered. I don't know what those things would be called. Boxes. So these delivery things in the car park, she's always off down there buying and selling stuff on Vinted. And every so often, she'll say,

[00:15:29] made some money on Vinted. How much? £3.50. Oh, right. No. So I just looked down for the kids for all that. You have £3. I'd have paid you £3.50. But anyway, Ikea is now launching a marketplace where it can sell second-hand furniture and homewares. And, yeah. Good luck selling second-hand Ikea stuff. I suppose it's better than trying to take it down. As soon as you've self-assembled the self-assembly, if you take it down again, it's never going back up, is it? No,

[00:15:58] because a lot of those screws, they only go into MDF once. And that's probably why they would rather sell it than send it down and recycle it. You can't recycle something that's seven parts out of ten glue. Do you know what I mean? Anyway, enjoy it. There's a lovely story of, well, I always like criminals being sent down for it. Oh, I like justice me. And a serial burglar has been jailed for 12 years after a fingerprint was found on a bag for life. It revealed his identity. Can I just say how lucky you are that the court case

[00:16:27] included a bag for life and that didn't subliminally program the judge to give you life. Do you know what I mean? We are easily swayed. This is how Darren Brown works. This judge would have been listening to something, something for life just subconsciously would have been like, damn. Which is why I always try and make sure my fingerprints are left on tags and community service. If that were a thing, I would put my fingerprints on that just so I get away with it. You know what I mean? There's a list in the newspapers of the words we Brits mispronounce.

[00:16:57] And the problem with this is it's in the newspaper. So I don't stand a chance, do I? If this were a thing on YouTube, I could listen to it. But the most mispronounced word for us Brits is A-C-A-I. The fruit thing. Assy? No, he's been a bit assy. That's different, isn't it? But the rest of the words on the list I'm really good at. Segway, charcuterie, I can do that. These are other phrases that apparently we find difficult to say. Quinoa, gnocchi, Worcestershire. Oh, I'm knocking these

[00:17:27] out of the park, left, right and centre. Chipotle, phenomenon, gyro. Come on, no one has a problem saying that, do they? If you remember the 80s. And aesthetic, hyperbole, gif and jif. I know technically you meant to say jif. I'd still say gif. And you can't touch me for it. But the only one I can't do is that fruit one. And the great thing about that is I don't need to say it. I don't eat that fruit, whatever it is. It says, according to the survey, it leaves one in four

[00:17:56] of us embarrassed and hesitant about using the word. I'll just have blueberries, thanks. I can pronounce blueberries. No, life's not that hard, is it? They're making it seem harder than it is, which I believe is hyperbole. Oh, look at me showing off. Snoring. I'm not, I'm just talking about it. Snoring could be reduced thanks to a high-tech breakthrough. Scientists in Sweden have developed a 3D model of the upper airway. Again, I just don't trust any scientists. Hearing that they've done that, you think, why are you modelling

[00:18:26] the upper airway, you bunch of wrong-uns? It's because of that tickling story earlier. But, they've basically, they worked out that the loudest sounds result from an unsteady airflow across the soft tissues of the mouth. Great. It doesn't really say how that's going to help reduce it. They now know how it's caused. My missus has tried, I eat what? I used to snore and I don't anymore. I lost a bit of weight, I sleep on my side, things like that. But back in, in my 20s and 30s, I was a snorer.

[00:18:56] And my missus tried everything. Pegs on the back of the pyjamas, tennis balls attached to the pyjamas, cushion on the face. I didn't, I wasn't in favour of that one. I'm not sure why she tried that one. As it happened, I just grew out of it. To be fair, I also grew out of that marriage. So, maybe it was her all along. So there's your podcast, done and dusted news injected into your mind. It's like Inception, but for information. So it's not really like Inception at all.

[00:19:26] Thank you for subscribing to the podcast. If you haven't, if you haven't, well this is flipping awkward, you better subscribe quickly before I notice and you can just get rid of this social anxiety. Or just subscribe for other reasons like wanting to get the latest news boshed into your inbox on a regular basis. Till next time. Thank you for listening to Stephen Allen almost daily. This podcast is part of Podomity, the UK's podcast comedy network. Why not laugh

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