The Professor of BS

[00:00:00] Hello, I'm Stephen Allen and welcome to Stephen Allen Almost Daily. Thursday, the 6th of August on a day when the main news seems to be about this Cambridge professor at the centre of a plagiarism row has now resigned. And in my position as Professor Emeritus at Luton University, I can say this is terrible. I mean, I'm not, but you just make stuff up now. It's great. Let's do your front pages.

[00:00:24] It's a Thursday, so I have seen some of these front pages before from the old telly box last night, but let's walk through them together, shall we? The Daily Telegraph. I always like looking at the bit at the top that tells you what's inside the newspapers. And if you were to buy the Daily Telegraph today, Hannah Betts has a special feature that has this lifted quote. Finally, big breasts have an advantage. She's late to the story, isn't she? I would have thought, well, hang on, let's not, that's not going to.

[00:00:52] But the main story on the front page of the Daily Telegraph is Cambridge professor quits after false claims. Hang on, that's a weird headline. After claims that he did false, that he was, that he did a false, false claims. That's what he's saying there, false claims. If you don't know the story, you've missed out. This is an absolute treat of a story. So Professor Jason Arday, who is a professor but of sociology. So very important position in terrible subject, really.

[00:01:23] And not really a science. Don't give me soft science. Don't give me social science. How about no science? The honest, I've got massive beef with sociology. For a while, I started listening to some sociology podcast just to make myself angry. Because what they do is they observe a thing. They come up with their reason, like an essay to explain it. And that's it. You are observing the thing and finding one possible explanation for it. And considering that to be proof is just so not scientific. Imagine.

[00:01:52] That is like calling this science. I saw that it rained and there's thunder. I came up with a description of how that could happen, including God being angry. And just left it at that. Yeah, look at that. Do you not want to test the false viability of your claims? Nah, sociology, mate. Nah. Do you not want to make predictions based on your model, test the predictions to test the validity of the model? Nah. Why would I do that? I could write an essay saying what I've observed in society is definitely down to some sort of societal structure.

[00:02:21] And just crack on with me today. So there you go. So he made loads of claims. And there's accusations of plagiarism in his dissertation. There's claims that he was on a TV show decades before he was actually born. So I don't even like a good liar. And do you know why? Because if you were a proper scientist, you'd come up with a good lie. That's probably not the angle I should be happy about. Crypto King fraudster linked to streeting donations. Yes, a bit of a tangential link.

[00:02:48] So West Streeting took some money from some organisation that took some money from old Bankman Freed, the old crypto baddie. But it's not like it's streeting new. And also it said he was being bankrolled, right? So not only is it indirect, he got £37,500. Obviously that amount of money for me would be good. I don't think it touches the sides for your average political operator, does it? Some of them have had that much money's worth of free glasses and suits, you'd imagine.

[00:03:16] Anyway, Front Page also has national debt rises above £3 trillion, as Labour borrows £4,000 per second. Would it kill them to give me, like, five seconds worth? Because it's only five seconds, blink of an eye. If you really blink slowly, I could trouser that, that'd be nice, wouldn't it? Back to the front pages, we get the Times next. The Blunt Wives Club.

[00:03:44] I've joined it inside Times 2. I'm not sure I like the sound of that. The last thing I need is actual honesty. Defiant councils pledge to ignore new rules on single-sex spaces. I think we're heading into a world where all toilets will be single-trap toilets. Just the one cubicle. And I kind of welcome that world. I like a bit of peace. The worst thing for me is when you need to go to the loo after you've done a stand-up comedy set. And you go in there. You're off stage before everyone else, because the MC will go back on and go, Oh, thanks for coming.

[00:04:14] Thanks for coming. Then you go for a little wee-wee Jimmy Tinkle. And then you're in one of the traps. Then you hear loads of other people come in and go, That last guy was terrible. And they have to wait in there until they've all gone. You know what I mean? It might not happen to everyone, that. And Plagian Morale Professor is one of the stories. Grooming gang abusers set for early prison release. I don't know if you've been covering this story, following the story. But because we don't have enough prison spaces, or one could say we have too many criminals,

[00:04:42] glass half full, glass half empty, glass has been nicked. It's up to you, isn't it? We're having to release some of these prisoners earlier than we think they should. Like, society says to you, You are wrong and you deserve this many years in prison. But obviously you'd have to serve it all because we're busy. What's the point? And they promised they weren't going to let, like, sex abusers and murderers out. But they are doing. But we're not just saying you won't be safe on the streets. No, no, no, no. They're also letting out domestic abusers.

[00:05:11] So you're not safe at home. So that's that story. The Guardian has academic resigns amid plagiarism accusations. And there's a lifted quote on the front page of The Guardian. One of the things he said in his resignation letter. He said that becoming professor of sociology at Cambridge, it was, without question, the greatest professional privilege of my life. And I don't know. I think he should read his own CV. He's done loads that's better than that. He walked on the moon. He invented penicillin.

[00:05:41] And, you know. Front page of The Mirror. Help is on the way. They're talking about Andy Burnham's care and mental health plans. Good. What he wanted to do is have, in fact, what was, Theresa May called it the Cinderella service. That she was going to try and help mental health provision. And look how well that went. So, well, then again, she did literally say she wanted to be strong and stable. And I don't think any of us ended up strong and stable after that.

[00:06:11] More than 150 new NHS mental health centres will open in a major boost for patients and A&E. Andy Burnham says the move will bolster the system that only steps in at crisis points. I suppose that's the thing. He did say that he wanted, like, care to mirror the NHS, a national care system. The NHS only really steps in at crisis points, doesn't it? It only steps in to fix your broken leg. The NHS doesn't try and catch you when you fall.

[00:06:40] Front page of The Daily Mail. Well, they've got the plagiarism story. But at the top, their little plug for inside there, this woman's got a quote. I have taken the new Wegovy pill for a month. Trust me. It's no picnic. I mean, good. It seems like picnics could have been part of your problem. She looks nice and slim. But I don't know whether she was absolutely smacking those picnic baskets like a bear. So, good luck to you. West End Stab Rampage is front page of The Star.

[00:07:09] This is an interesting, terrifying story. But this is of the picture of this woman here who stabbed four men at random with a pair of scissors in a terrifying rampage. But we need to find that more. And I guess at some point there'll be some sort of legal action. One would hope. They've got her anyway. This 47-year-old woman got some scissors and only went out stabbing men. Ooh. When we find out that no one's dead, we can start doing the jokes.

[00:07:38] It's Kent Eastwood. Kent is really dry because they don't have a lot of rain. Also, they don't really have a water system that works. Even before we had a drought, Tunbridge Wells, people were like Mad Max. But really posh Mad Max. Do you know what I mean? The silver paint on their face was actually silver. Early releases of betrayal of hero police officer. Here's the front page of the Daily Mail. Plus also a picture of our king next to a rose. All right. And then the Financial Times is too clever for me. Although we can look at something.

[00:08:06] China begins global tax hunt, reaching back decades as fiscal pressure grows. Good. Because we keep hearing that we are falling behind China. It's nice to know they're also not as good at running economies like we are. So, eh. No, actually that's not good. That's a global doom instead of just regional dooms. Let's try and hope that something a bit more positive is on the inside of the newspapers. Here we go. Space. Space. Space. The final frontier.

[00:08:35] These are the voyages of the Starship. Right. Sorry, no, I went off script there. Um, space. SpaceX, actually. Elon Musk's SpaceX rocket has crashed into the moon. Part of the Elon Musk rocket has crashed into the moon at 5,400 miles per hour. Oof. That's going to be costly. Not only the loss of the equipment, but I imagine that speeding fine's going to hit you in as well. It's left a crater 90 foot wide. Ooh.

[00:09:02] The out of control spacecraft was the upper stage of the Falcon 9 weighing five tons. Now, what have we got against the moon? Why are we... Look, let's not start throwing things at people in space. Because I get the feeling if there are aliens up there, we don't want to start a battle when all we can do is lob things in their general direction. And they've got all the space lasers. So, just watch out. Otherwise, the next thing we'll hear is... Choo-choo! Smell burning.

[00:09:32] And that will be the end of society. Oh. Bad news if you want to go anywhere on a plane. Brits face air chaos throughout the summer holidays, apparently. Because of the Iran war. It's impacting jet fuel supplies. Aviation expert Richard Curran urged travellers to prepare... Well, how am I meant to prepare? Well, I'll tell you what. I'll start brewing my own high-octane aviation fuel, should I? I don't think I'd be allowed to take that with me.

[00:09:59] I'm not an expert on the laws about what you can and can't get through an airport. But if you turn up with more than 100 mils of high-octane fuel, they'll be having a word, won't they? Anyway, this expert said that panic that started on Sunday when officials at Gatwick Airport said they were running out of fuel... Yeah, I could see that. I'm not normally prone to panic. But if I were about to get on a big old flight, they're like... You remember to top up? I hope you remember to top up. It's not like...

[00:10:28] You can't break down at the side of the road like you do with a car. Good old gravity's your enemy then, isn't it? How are your dreams? Do you struggle? Do you know what? I'm permanently so tired. What with having such a busy family life? I can't remember the last time. I don't think I do dream. I know there's a Star Trek episode that says you have to. I don't know, mate. I don't think I'm in there long enough. But if you do suffer from nightmares... Again, even I'd love one of those these days. But they can be triggered by bad experiences. But there is a cure.

[00:10:58] It's the psychoactive compound found in cannabis, according to a new study. Honestly, if you find a university that's studying cannabis, you just think to yourself, you students, you've managed to get a government grant for the thing you would have been spending money on anyway. More than half of participants in the study responded to a treatment with THC. Is that not a TV channel? While over a third experienced a complete disappearance of bad dreams.

[00:11:26] Does it get counteracted by the cheese? If you have an evening where you have that and you have a couple of bits of gouda, it'll level off, won't it? Sometimes. I was like, you know, I should have more cheese just for the hope to live, to sleep, perchance to dream. Weird stuff. Alan Brazil. Never worked with him, but I worked with a few other talk-sporty types. But Alan Brazil says he's off the booze now and he's living like a monk, following his life-saving liver transplant. I mean, yeah.

[00:11:53] You know if you've received a liver transplant because you had too much alcohol? Maybe you don't have alcohol? I'm not really incredibly sure what kind of... What he's showing off here. Do you know what I mean? If I'd had a heart transplant, I'd probably stop doing whatever's bad for the heart. I don't know. Watching scary films. That would be the headline. Actually, that's a better story, isn't it? I received a heart transplant and now I just don't watch any of the Freddy Krueger films. Would be more fun than this. It says he's living like a monk because he's not drinking.

[00:12:21] Firstly, monks brewed alcohol. Secondly, you are not living like a monk. It's... What? The cloths and the not doing anything and they're not having any old... Brum, brum. You're just not drinking. You're not living like a monk who brewed... You're... You're living like a... I'm trying to think. Who doesn't drink but does have lots of... Actually, he's not having that much looking at the state of him. So, no, he's living like a monk. What do you use?

[00:12:52] The Generation Xers. We are the best. Age 50 plus. Well, that's not me. Gig more than ever. A fifth of Generation Xers aged over 50 have more nights out. I've got this to look forward to then. Well, it's not long until I'm technically over 50. Give me, you know, this time next year, Rodney. Some 27% say that live music and their nightlife remain the core part of the identity. Never really did it in the past. I'm hoping...

[00:13:19] I'm hoping for a midlife crisis that isn't like my earlier life. That it's actually, you know, fun. Nearly half said that their most treasured memories were made on the dance floor. Maybe that's a problem. Because I'm such a young Generation Xer. That my time in the nightclubs back in the day... I don't remember a lot of it. For many good reasons. And it's probably better that I don't. There's a story in the news of a woman who... She lost some weight. She used to be large. She went on a diet. She's actually, if anything, a bodybuilder now. Look at the muscles on that.

[00:13:49] Bigger than mine. However, the reason I'm... This is interesting. The Instagram algorithm showed me pictures of her. And I don't know why they think I'd be into this story. But then, so I recognised her face. I was like, oh, is that weightlifter from the Instagram thing that she showed me? And a mum who regularly ate 50 Krispy Kreme donuts a day for breakfast has lost more than 20 stone. Did she become a championship bodybuilder? Adrienne de Souza a brew. Ooh, I could do with a brew.

[00:14:18] But why did the algorithm think I'd be interested? Either it thinks I'm into bodybuilding women. Or I'm into 50 Krispy Kreme donuts for breakfast. And I've got a bad feeling I know which one of the two it is. And it's right about it. That is a lot of Krispy Kreme donuts. But as it turns out, she definitely had the ability to lift it. Because, I mean, look at those muscles. You're up to date. This story is... I like how it brings together the news of the day.

[00:14:47] Even though it's nothing to do with her. I'll explain. There's a professor called Katie Anglis, 55, has been sacked for forging her boss's signature in an attempt to secure a promotion. She was looked over a promotion, filled a, you know... Now, don't get me wrong. You're not meant to forge someone's signature. But she went to tribunal and was fired for forging a signature. Meanwhile, the front page news of all the newspapers is about a professor at Cambridge. And I'm not being harsh, but that's a bit more weighty than the University of Warwick.

[00:15:16] It was my second choice. I'm not throwing shade here. But, imagine, she must be so annoyed to have been fired for faking one thing. She's fired. Meanwhile, someone else absolutely riding it out. Beautiful work.

[00:16:00] This news is shocking. It's mind-blowing. And he also flew a plane or something. I don't know. There's your news done. Thank you for downloading and listening to this podcast. If you would like to hear me opining about the news elsewhere as well, tomorrow, so Friday morning, 11 o'clock, I'm on BBC Radio 5 Live. Giving it all that. And there's the live streams on YouTube as well. YouTube.com forward slash at Mr Stephen Allen. But the main beef here is subscribe to wherever you found this podcast.

[00:16:27] And I will keep you up to date on a nearly daily basis. Till next time. Thank you for listening to Stephen Allen. Almost. Daily. This podcast is part of Podomity, the UK's podcast comedy network. Why not laugh at what else we've got? Visit Podomity.com.