UK Flight’s Grounded

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[00:00:30] Hello, I'm Steve N Allen and welcome to Steve N Allen Almost Daily. Hello and welcome to your daily news podcast on a day when the big story I think is that the flights in the UK have been grounded. I'm not an aviation expert, but I know what grounding is. When you're grounded you are sent to your room so you can't go out and have fun. Spend your time instead using CompuServe dial-up to look at pictures of ladies in bikinis. I think that's what the planes are doing today. More on that story later. Meanwhile, here's your front pages.

[00:00:59] Right, so most of the front pages are going to be talking about Israel being upset with Ed Miliband, but not in the way that we're normally upset with Ed Miliband. And he identifies as being a Jewish person, which is a handy card to play if nothing else and that's basically all it is right now. But do you know what? It's a bit of a heavyweight story. If you don't know what's happened, there are sanctions on businesses based in the settlement areas. But instead of dealing with a lot of it boils down to probably there's a by-election where they're a little bit worried about who's going to vote for what.

[00:01:26] And this tells us that the Labour Party thinks this will be enough. A little bit of, oh, well, we will make some noise. We'll write a John Healy, a stern letter. Won't be enough to convince voters. I don't think anything's going to convince voters. But anyway, we'll see as that pans out. Or maybe it's a genuine belief. Also on the front page of the Times, would you skinny dip at 60 like Salma Hayek is the question they ask.

[00:01:54] And it's just on the front page so you go and have a look to see what she looks like when she's skinny dipping. I'm not falling for it. I've got CompuServe dial-up. I'll be absolutely fine. If anything, I've got a hard drive that's full. But yes, it's a two-part question, isn't it? And it's kind of yes-no. Because I would skinny dip at 60. I don't think I'd be doing it like Salma Hayek. I know there could be some physiological changes as I get older. My moobs might get bigger and my dinky might get smaller.

[00:02:23] So I'll look a bit more like her. But I don't think I'm ever going to reach peak Salma Hayek. Thanks for asking the question, though, the Times, if that is your real name. The Daily Telegraph talks about Monty Don. He's gone. Monty Don's gone from Gardner's World. And it'll be a big old shame. Honestly, it's on the front page of so many. How many people listen to it? No one does gardening these days. Not only because you're not allowed to use any water, which I think makes gardening hard.

[00:02:52] You really basically just cacti. Also on the front page, air traffic collapse grounds flights. This is a worry. I'm flying later today. At the moment, my flight looks like it's all right. But I suppose that could change. No one really knows why. We did a live stream last night. A lot of people said it might be to do with hacking. Great. Which makes me think, if it is. What have Russia got against me? I mean, I have done a lot of jokes about them. Wow. That would be. That would be a scorched earth policy by Putin.

[00:03:20] That guy on the internet who broadcasts about 12 people. Let's go after him for what he said. Harry and Meghan's tone deaf response says the mail to the king proves he was right to slap them down. Okay. You just clarify that they're not working. Which is not that much of a surprise, is it? Because you don't really do any work anyway. Firstly, no offence. Everyone goes, oh, it's a hard job. For what you get for it, it's not a hard job, is it? Being a royal. I wouldn't like the press intrusion.

[00:03:49] And I don't have the press intrusion because I've not done something. Well, if I wanted fame, fortune and press intrusion, I would have done something thoroughly ridiculous to get on like Love Island or Big Brother back in whenever that launched. So I had the good sense to not be royal. Thank you. Also on the front page of The Daily Star, Sir David Nixgong from Ant & Dec. Sir David Nixgong. Well, come on.

[00:04:16] I don't want to be too moribund about this, but let's give the awards to Sir David Attenborough now because why put off till tomorrow what you could do while he's still alive? Tom Jones, meanwhile, speaking of old people, has been sacked from The Voice. Oh. And he said it's to do with ageism. And B, the person he jizzed into. No, that's... You can't. Can you do that joke? Oh. No, he's been sacked from The Voice.

[00:04:46] Didn't watch it anyway, so I'm sure... Maybe it is an ageism thing. There is a chance that anyone who watches The Voice has no clue who he is other than the fact he was on The Voice before. And there are more famous people. The Guardian goes with a £250 million bill for illegal children's care homes. Are the children illegal or are the care homes illegal? Should we zoom in and have a look? No, actually. We also have technical issue halts at least 600 UK flights. As long as it's not 601, because mine's all right so far.

[00:05:16] That's another flying mess, says The Sun. Fury at latest jet farce. Jet farce was back in the 90s when that gladiator... Well, anyway, we'll move on from that story. Tech glitch grounds a thousand planes. Thousands stranded across the UK. Can I turn up and just install Ubuntu and get this fixed? Because I reckon I could probably sort it out for them. The Daily Express. Good luck. Enjoy it. Prince George starts at Eton. He does look quite smart, to be fair.

[00:05:46] There's no reason why he shouldn't. His first... Like my lad had his first day at reception yesterday, on the first day that George went to Eton. They're probably on different life trajectories, but we both had pictures. My lad had his outfit on. Obviously bought a bit too big for him because he's going to go into it. Looks... That is the way to look cute. When you're four, what you need is oversized everything. And you know the parents are just being tight. Whereas, Prince George has one of the most well-fitted posh suits.

[00:06:16] Yeah, it's not the same, is it? It's not the same. Harry and King have not spoken, says The Mirror. Yeah, they don't need to. They just read all about their own thoughts on the front page of the Daily Mail. And The Eye also talks about Israel and Monty Don. You're up to date with the front pages. Let's get inside. Bad news in the media world, which kind of doesn't really affect me these days. Channel 4... I didn't really get on there. I've got on there... How many times have I been on Channel 4? I think only just the once when I was on any...

[00:06:45] Your Questions Answered or whatever it's called. The comedy, the complaints one. And it didn't get recommissioned. Channel 4 is set to be cut. It's going to cut about 300 jobs in one of the biggest rounds of layoffs in its 43-year history. It's said to be reducing by a quarter. So now it's going to be Channel 3. That's going to be confusing, isn't it? Although, to be fair, Channel 3 used to be ITV, but now it's ITV1. So Channel 4 goes Channel 3. ITV becomes ITV1. But there's still ITV2 and ITV3.

[00:07:16] And ITVB, that was a weird one, where they started to bring algebra into it. I was all favour of it. I tuned in. There wasn't a lot of algebra on it. A lot of Love Island. And I watched a lot of Love Island. And they've yet to actually really grasp the nature of that level of mathematics. They do a lot of calculus. Of course they do, but they don't really deal with any of the algebra. We'll leave that one there. I've gone off topic already. Jobless children, anyone? Youth unemployment. I suppose not jobless children. Children aren't meant to work, are they? But the young are. Remember the young?

[00:07:46] Young youth unemployment is even higher than official statistics. This is according to the Children's Commissioner. Now that's why I got confused. Because if you're the Children's Commissioner, you don't want your children to be sent to work, do you? Do you not remember? Are Crites Mills in the Midlands? 12-year-olds being underneath a loom? Is that what you want? And you're the Children's Commissioner? Dame Rachel D'Souza says that there's a blind spot with tens of thousands slipping through the cracks.

[00:08:14] Yeah, but some of these young people who are slipping through the cracks don't have a job. And they're not counted in the benefits statistics. Because mother and father are looking after them. I guess, yes, technically it does mean that youth unemployment is higher. But these are not the people you need to worry about. Oh, what should we do about those people who are living off a trust fund? I don't know. We'll cope. Should we get them into the workplace? No. Let's get the other people into the workplace. You know, the ones who need the jobs to survive and have a good life? Let's get them in there.

[00:08:44] Although, again, I don't want to shout about it too loud. Because I still slightly work in the media. There are people from good backgrounds in there. So, again, we'll move on. Climate news. Melting glaciers are creating a climate doom loop. Oh, that's one of the worst types of loop, isn't it? By flushing out ancient methane from rocks. You think yours is bad. Imagine, and yours is fresh methane. And you're like, oh, what have I been eating? Imagine ancient methane.

[00:09:13] Although, in some levels, it'd be nice, wouldn't it, to find out what ancient farts smelled like. They could probably make some sort of special museum. The Jorvik Viking Centre in York famously has its smell display where you go around on the little cart thing. And if they still do it, they've recreated the smell of what it would have smelled like to be in Yorkshire. No, that's not right, is it? I think that was more to be what it was like in the olden days. Feudal England. Is it just about being in Yorkshire? I probably will get more complaints about that than anything else. Do you know what I mean?

[00:09:43] You can say some of the things I've said. No one other than Ofcom gets involved. Insult Yorkshire and there'll be some saying, Heyo, it's to God's country. You've done a fresh one. Millions of Brits are still using, they're still banned from using their hosepipe despite all the weather, all the rain. It's been chuffed to almost all of England and Wales remains gripped by drought after months of scorching temperatures. But the week from August 28th to December 3rd was the wettest since early February.

[00:10:12] It won't make a difference. Now what you're thinking there is that when a problem happens, it's our problem. So the weather gets a little bit dry. Oh, it's ever so dry. And then, of course, it's not the water company's problem. What are they meant to do about it? They're busy taking dividends. Instead, it becomes our problem where we have to fix this for them by not using, you know, the water that we pay for. But as soon as they get more water, no, we don't get that. Who do you think you are?

[00:10:37] They've got to just let that water replenish the stock because they've not built any more reservoirs and we're losing trillions of litres of waters every day. So all of that rain we've had, you think it's yours, it's already been lost to leaked pipes. And you should shut up and be grateful or something like that. Meanwhile, petrol prices go up really quickly and come down slowly as well, don't they? So you should be used to it by now. Atomic news.

[00:11:02] A logbook written by the co-pilot of the Hiroshima atomic bombing mission could fetch 500,000 pounds, no dollars, at auction. Captain Robert A. Lewis, he's one of the Lewis's, we know that much, he's A. Lewis, kept notes aboard the B-29 Super Fortress Enola Gay as the events of all the blah, blah, blah, blah. So basically he kept a logbook. I would say, great to own it. I'd keep it away from your gametes. Do you know what I mean? It was the Hiroshima bomb.

[00:11:32] I don't know how much, certainly the lead in the pencil would be handy, but the rest of it, I'd keep it away from your gametes. Then again, most things I'd buy, I'd try and keep away from your gametes. It's just a good motto for life, isn't it? This, I hope this is not a live case because there might be some issues, but it's such an interesting story. Here's the headline, or the top story. A blind man drove around 150 miles to Cumbria at night after sharing four bottles of wine with his partner. Are you not impressed? I'm impressed.

[00:12:00] A blind man drove 150 miles, but not just ran in circles in a car park. That you could just about imagine. This is impressive, isn't it? It's wrong. Obviously it's wrong. It's impressive. Two things can be true at the same time. Also, it makes you realise when Dominic, what's his chops, Cummings, said he went to Cumbria to check his eyesight. He started a trend. Now I understand it a bit more. It was worth the drive.

[00:12:24] Anthony Hall was behind the wheel of a Vauxhall Mareva when officers spotted him in the early hours weaving around. But to be fair, he is blind. On the M6 northbound carriageway, the court was told that he'd never possessed a driving licence. Well, he is blind. And was registered blind. Well, he is blind. He turned up at court wearing dark glasses and carrying a white stick. I don't think that helped your defence. If anything, I think that's the... Wear a suit. Yeah.

[00:12:54] And what else should I wear? Oh, we go for the sympathy thing. Dark glasses. Can you borrow a dog? Could you make the dog look like he's good at driving? Can you get a Labrador with driving gloves? If that's a thing, get one of them. If you can't, this case is not going to go your way, I'm afraid. Awkward. Face covering news. You know, Reform said that they would ban all face coverings. And they're talking about balaclavas and balaclava-esque things. But you know if they might fold in some other issues on that one.

[00:13:23] So in related news, a ban on face coverings like balaclavas in a city centre is set to come into force. Cops issuing a £70 on-the-spot fine if people refuse to remove them. And from Tuesday, officers in Nottingham can ask people to remove them if they reasonably believe they're used to cover up a crime or antisocial acts. But I suppose you could make the argument, I don't know if you're wrong until I've seen what you look like. Let's have a look. And you've got them on that one, right? Here's what I like though.

[00:13:51] It will not apply to those with legitimate reasons including religious and cultural reasons. So if you want to go and do wrong and stuff, don't wear a balaclava. They'll ask you to take it off. Because being a skier is not a religion or a culture. Being from Northern Ireland, well that's not even deal with that one. But if you're wearing a balaclava, the police in Nottingham will be, Hey, open me up. Take your mask off, will you, pal? Come here, pal. Because that's not bad.

[00:14:22] I'm from Sutton in Ashfield. So I'm basically doing a Sutton accent and hoping that it's close enough to a Nottingham one. It's close enough. I am more of a Derby-accented person really, but we pretend we're not. And so if you're a wrong one, just put on a religious outfit. That's the obvious thing here, is it? Because they won't, they will ask you to remove a balaclava. They won't ask you to remove the burka. So even if you're a six foot two bank robber, you'd be a fool to go in a pair of tights. It's not the first time I've said that today.

[00:14:52] Here's the headline. Hug a shark. That's what I'd say to you if I didn't like you and you were off swimming. Yeah? When are you going to hug a shark? Flipping coming around here. Do you know what I mean? But Brits are being urged to fall in love with sharks as experts launch a one million pound mission to protect them. They seem to be quite well protected, but scientists insist that the fearsome fish swimming around our shores are actually beautiful animals. And they're a far cry from the man eating monsters in Jaws.

[00:15:21] I love it where they keep blaming Jaws for this. Oh, that film gave them a bad rep. And also the news stories about Australians losing legs. If anything, I'd say it's more the Australians losing legs one that gets me because I understand that Jaws was a film. The Meg was a film as well. Like the big Megalodon with Jason Statham, famous for saying, you are not a salmon. He should say that to the Megalodon. It's massive.

[00:15:48] If you think that's a salmon, you don't understand perspective. But because there are no stories of Megalodons eating Australians, I'm not really worried about it. You know what I mean? Anyway, Dr. Lucy Hawkes of the University of Exeter is co-leading a three-year project to investigate vulnerable poor beagles, the taupe and the blue shark. I think if you've already named them poor beagle, the spin, oh, poor beagle. Do you know what I mean?

[00:16:15] You've already got the spin in so that now I feel sorry for this Australian eating monster. This should be interesting. A new pizza joint. And that's a shop, by the way. I don't know how they call it that. Pizza joint does seem like they've invented like, how do you, I want two different flavors. Well, we can do a nice dovetail down the middle. That's not what they do. But they should. And actually, now we need to think about that, whether you could do some interlocking carpentry on a pizza. You'd need a thick dough.

[00:16:41] Anyway, a new pizza shop has sparked anger after the owners announced he will only hire men. Oh, Austin's dad's pizza. Oh, it's called dad pizza. So I can see where they're going with this. But it really would be an interesting way around equality law, wouldn't it? The thoughts I've just had in my head I can't broadcast. What one could we broadcast? No, we'll plow on and see if I can think of a...

[00:17:09] The concept in my head is, well, if you just name your biscuit, sorry, your biscuit. If you named your business not and then the protected characteristic you don't want, and then you could say, well, the shop says we don't have any of them here. But I can't think of anyone, any characteristic I could use in that joke to exemplify. I'd only be exemplifying it. But the point is, I don't want you to do this thing. But if I use the words, I'd get fully Marion McGoyley's up me wazoo, wouldn't I? So it's in Stamford, Lincolnshire.

[00:17:39] It's been backed by disgraced former master chef Greg Wallace. I'm a little over the shop today. I don't think having Greg Wallace on your team is going to help you here, if I'm brutally honest. Owner Will McKillory has said no women will be hired, saying there are a lot of disadvantaged young men. Oh, he's not just doing it because it's called Dad's Pizza. Who feel lost and increasingly they are finding answers online in the manosphere. Right, and I'll tell you what will solve that. Get a job in a pizza place.

[00:18:10] If we believe young men need better role models, then that's what we're trying to do. Who's the role model here? Mario? What's happening? He also confirmed the menu will not include halal, kosher or gluten-free options. Whatever I thought he was doing as a business, he's raised it. He's seen my joke and he's raised it some true ones. Sorry, just back with a quick thought of the last story. Pizza place tries to deal with men's issue.

[00:18:39] I can't believe I didn't think of this as a comment to add in there. Because obviously we know one of the genuine reasons is men have a higher rate. And I know you can't say these words on social media. But, you know, of ending things. And they'll now get a job where they get to top something else. No, maybe we should have left that one out. New researchers found that drinking tea that is too hot can increase the risk of esophageal cancer. Yes. And it's also too hot.

[00:19:08] See, did you need another reason? Who's sitting there going... God damn it! Wait a minute, you shouldn't do that. You might get esophageal cancer. All right, good point. Well made. It's too hot. It's too hot, baby. Why don't you not... You do realise it cools down. It's not even like you have to go and fix it understanding all of the laws of thermodynamics. You need specific heat capacity to work out how much water to add. No, no, no.

[00:19:38] The maths is doable. It's not that tricky. But you can also just wait. Things cool down. Drink it then. You absolute pillock. I hope that will do for a podcast because them's the news stories I managed to find for you today. Subscribe to wherever you found this audio podcast. The Spotify, the Apple iPhone, all of those, wherever it is. You can subscribe. You can track me down on social media as well. At Mr. Steve N Allen. And on YouTube where if you become a member. There's like a video version of this as well. At Mr. Stephen Allen forward slash... No.

[00:20:07] YouTube.com forward slash at Mr. Stephen Allen. Till next time. Thank you for listening to Steve N Allen (almost) Daily. This podcast is part of Podomity, the UK's podcast comedy network. Why not laugh at what else we've got? Visit Podomity.com.