UK is Mad Max & People do Yoga on Planes

[00:00:00] Hello, I'm Steve N Allen and welcome to Steve N Allen Almost Daily. Here's your quick news fix update for the 30th of July when your basic news seems to be we're running out of water. This is like Mad Max. The general advice is to shower, don't shower as long. I've tried to recommend that we shower with more people, though my neighbours have said to stop saying that in the local WhatsApp group. Anyway, let's look at the front pages.

[00:00:27] So, I've not read through these yet. Let's go through them together. Actually, I say that as a bit of a lie. I have a quick glance through them because we did a newspaper review on GB News last night. So, let's see what I can remember. The Times goes with the 10 questions my husband won't answer inside Times 2. I don't blame him seeing as his answers are going to end up in the flipping Times 2. I might keep quiet about some of the things. The main theme is about water.

[00:00:54] Wild fire alert as drought set to eclipse, 1976. That was back then when they had a minister for drought. Can we have one of those? Because wasn't it something like the weather was, I mean, I wasn't around in 1976. I was barely spermatozoa. I don't think I was actually. How long does it take for them? Let's not Google that. There was a minister for drought who was eventually appointed and as soon as he was the drought stopped. So, wow, a politician got something done. Can't be right.

[00:01:23] They also have the story about getting a tax rebate from your local mayor. As in mayor. Maybe my pronunciation. I don't like one of them horses. You can go and ask a horse for it if you want. I don't think you'll get anything. But if you've got a local mayor or one of those metro mayors, the plan is they'll be given some money raised through taxation. Some of them are saying if they get loads of it, they'd like to give it back as a rebate, which looks good. It'd be nice if it just didn't get taxed in the first place. But there you go.

[00:01:51] Some of England's metro mayors are planning to offer tax rebates to residents under devolution powers. I would love it if politicians actually gave money back. I can't help thinking they'll find something to spend it on, whether it be their own duck moat cleaning or whatever the other things were. So I'm believing it when I see it. Front page of the Daily Telegraph today gives us the marriages torn apart by weight loss jabs. Ooh, interesting.

[00:02:20] I've not read the story inside, but I think we know how it goes. This is the same thing that happened when someone invented Facebook and people could get back in touch with their high school sweethearts. Calls grow for England to boycott the World Cup. This is because they want to sell it off. The general plot of football has been selling it off, hasn't it?

[00:02:38] From game that people actually liked to the Premier League and then the rights on TV being more important, the money being earned more important than the fans, to sponsored hydration breaks. Brought to you in association by H2O. You need water. We do. We just don't have any in this country. And yes, I wouldn't be at all surprised if it thoroughly gets sold off.

[00:03:02] By the way, on that weather one, front page of the Telegraph has in the business section, extreme weather puts food supplies at risk. Wildfires and extreme weather putting our food supplies at risk like food security. And the idea is that we apparently we should be growing more of our own food. You should. Because one of the things that exempts you from a hosepipe ban is if you're growing crops or things for you to eat. You know, the Tom and Barbara good, the good life way of doing things.

[00:03:29] Which means if I'm willing to put some grass on a sandwich, surely I can still do the lawn. Hmm? I mean, I'm not a lawyer. I wouldn't necessarily believe what I say. The Daily Mail. Still say your boat plan is working, Andy. This is after hundreds more migrants rushed aboard the channel dinghies. The other day they were talking about how big the dinghies were. They were talking about mega dinghies, which I don't know why that is quite the good idea. I like the idea of a mega dinghy. Seems more like a superhero.

[00:03:59] Hundreds of migrants heading to Britain. It's also on the front page of The Sun where Chris Phillips turned up to chat to some of the French gendons. Hello. And they said to him, why don't you stop all these people leaving? And the French police officer said, yeah, because that's what they do. But he meant he said that their orders are to just let them go. All they can do is shout. Don't do that. It's not safe. They've got police officers doing what road signs could do, just like a big red thing saying, don't do that.

[00:04:26] And then the front page of The Daily Express dying till PM. We don't have time for these delays. This is after Andy Burnham has delayed the right to, you know, go and do yourself in. And because he's delayed it, he said that there's other things to get fixed first, which I kind of understand. Someone asked the question, why does The Daily Express seem set on this? I think that's a good question because most people who read The Daily Express are later in life.

[00:04:53] The average age of your Daily Express reader is recently no longer with us. Front page of The Guardian. I just think it's weird, isn't it? That's their campaign. It's like they're trying to get rid of their readership. The Guardian says Burnham puts Trident at heart of UK renewal. Well, at least someone's doing something with nuclear. And they also have the drought declared in half of England. The picture of the grass at, what's that, Blackheath.

[00:05:19] And it is impressively brown, but all the trees and everything else still green. And I think it's less to do with the fact that we've got no water. And that is how grass survives, isn't it? We had a water sprinkler, which I've not used since the host pipe band has been in place. But the problem is our lawn only has, it's got a green bit in a perfect circle around where the sprinkler was. It just looks like a smoking gun. Do you know what I mean?

[00:05:47] If drone footage sees that, I think we're getting a fine. And them's your front pages. In entertainment news, Ross Kemp says that playing EastEnders hard man Grant Mitchell for years blurred the lines between the character and his real life personality. Oh, you're deep, isn't it? He said that, where's the actual quote here? There was definitely crossover between your persona and the character's persona. Do you mean the character?

[00:06:12] And sometimes it's indefinable as to what is which. I think, and I don't want to be too harsh here because I'm not like an actor, but I get the feeling that in EastEnders people, is it really acting? People, like, they wanted him because he looked like he was a big bloke with a shaved head. And he actually is a big bloke with a shaved head. And that's kind of the extent of acting on soaps, isn't it? That's not, I'm not being harsh. Jack Nicholson barely plays any characters that's not just Jack Nicholson.

[00:06:41] But the idea that, you know what, there was an emotional crossover between Ross Kemp and Grant Mitchell, I think you might just be the same person with a bit of a slightly different accent. And that's how it works. This story grosses me out. Brazen Brits are treating planes like their own living rooms by filming TikToks, doing manicures and performing yoga in the aisles. I'm sorry, but if I'm on a plane and all of a sudden someone starts doing yoga in the aisles, you can leave by the door right now.

[00:07:11] Do you know what I mean? And travelers also complain about people who lean across them for window selfies. Again, could you go out of that window if you take the selfie from the other side of it? Walk around barefoot and floss their teeth. What is happening? This is according to Booking.com who've done a survey of things that wind you up at 35,000 feet. It's very disgraceful. I thought it was bad enough when you see people trying to do their makeup on the London Underground.

[00:07:37] But at least that, every so often, like the train goes over a bouncy bit and they make an absolute state of their face. That's, it gives back. You know what I mean? I suppose there is a chance if someone's doing yoga in the aisle, you could pray for turbulence and they really would end up upside down facing dog. Do you know what I mean? They'd be facing something upside down. The, um, oof, I just had a mental image there I didn't need. They've done a survey because they always do surveys.

[00:08:05] A dog's dream walk would last for about an hour and seven minutes, according to owners, and would include 16 sniffing opportunities. And you read that and think we really have run out of things to survey people about. How many times would your dog like to sniff stuff? No, literally the question. Because companies pay for surveys to try and get them in the newspapers. So I'm not even going to read out the company that paid for this one. But, I actually know I suppose I should. Animal friends pet insurance.

[00:08:34] So, where's your dog sniffing that you need insurance? I mean, was he trying to find munitions from World War Two? But, what was it, 16 sniffs? That seems high, doesn't it? If I was taking a dog for a walk and it had a couple of sniffs, fair enough. A couple of sniffs is alright, but 16 seems a bit try hard. And there's a joke in there about me in nightclubs in my late teens, but we should probably just leave it right there. You know what I mean? Bear Grylls. I'm often fascinated about Bear Grylls. This man who's known for, you know, drinking the wee-wees.

[00:09:04] To be fair, there's a drought going on, so there's a strong chance we'll all end up doing that. But Adventurer Bear Grylls says that he now eats steak three times a day after giving up his vegan diet. He followed it for five years. I'm not a vegan, but even I think steak three times a day is a bit of an overcorrection. Do you know what I mean? The once a day, every day would seem a bit much. Two meals a day. I don't always get three meals a day. He's bothering to have an additional steak meal.

[00:09:33] So he was a vegan for, hang on, five years was it? How long does it take before he's... All of the animals he saved during that time, he's absolutely zooming right through them, isn't he? Probably, I imagine, this would put him off using his own excrement. No, because, you know, he's now got a mainly meat diet. He needs to drink more water to flush that through his kidneys. His rate is not doing, isn't he? Star Wars fans, get ready for this.

[00:10:02] A rare Star Wars action figure of Obi-Wan Kenobi, still in its original packaging after 48 years, wow, is tipped to sell for £90,000. It's an auction. These are not the toys you're looking for. Hang on, so I did my hands for the Darth Vader one. I did the wrong one there. And that's... Your power's a great weak old man. Um, no, these are not the toys you're looking for. Now on. Now, 90,000. Wowzers.

[00:10:32] It makes me wish I'd have had a funless childhood where we didn't get the toys out and play with them. Honestly, because I had loads of He-Man figures. And actually, He-Man, is that the plural? And I used them. And now I'm thinking if I'd have left those in their packaging, I mean, all the money that I would have gained by selling them I would have to spend on therapy. But still, no, it feels like I could have been up on the deal. Um, pizza... Honestly, the tabloids today are just full of news that's barely even news. It's not moving the dial at all.

[00:11:00] Pizza firm Domino's have made an ice cream version of its garlic and herb dip. Why? They're pregnant. That's... Why'd you eat that? Did they, what, accidentally leave it outside on a cold day? Um, there's a chance that you can win a tub online. Oh, great. What, I could win a tub of garlic-flavoured ice cream? No. It feels more like that would be the punishment. Like, there'd be some sort of gamble. In fact, you end up on Noel's house party and you have to eat that by mistake.

[00:11:28] If I went on I'm a celebrity, get me out of here, and they gave me that, I'd be like, can I not have that rude part of the kangaroo, please? That looks like that'd be tastier. And yet, this is what Domino's... Honestly, it's more of a threat they might deliver that round your house. This actually does wind me up. Residents are furious after bin men failed to empty dozens of bins because the lids were not completely closed. I say that as a man who is on his bin day. Time of the week again, or time of the fortnight for brutally honest, the way it works these days.

[00:11:56] But it's black bin day round here. And the thing is, you barely get any collections, don't you? Every fortnight, you'll get a bin collection. And that's twice as long as it used to be. So I'm sorry if the bins are full enough to leave a little bit of gap, a little bit of aperture. I'll try and cram it in, but a little bit of gap. And they're saying they won't collect them if... Literally, the bins that need collecting the most are the ones that you can't shut. Those, you know, weirdos who live on their own and barely make like three small bags worth of stuff.

[00:12:25] Yeah, they can... But we live in our own filth. That's the problem these days, isn't it? That instead of having a society that takes its bin stuff away, we then get only collections once every fortnight. And now we're being told as well to like not rinse stuff. So your recycling is going to pong. And then... What's the other beef I was going to have about this? The fact that if then you get a bank holiday, that's it. A whiff of a bank holiday and the next thing it's like a three week stretch before you get your bins collected.

[00:12:54] And they're complaining that they're slightly... Oh no, this one's slightly open. What's the... Is there a health and safety thing? Are you worried about falling in? I've never been a refuse collector, but I don't think that's the big worry. Anyway, locals were left with the bins just on the street. Well, they're not going to get less full. This is up in Stockport anyway. A local said, so these were not collected today. One lid is a fraction open. The other was completely closed. Absolute rubbish. Yay! Yay! Okay. So there's your podcast done for the day.

[00:13:24] You're up to date with the news. I must admit the innards of the tabloids. A bit light. Technically this is the silly season, so we shouldn't be having any important news. In the old days, this is why the TV show Big Brother was on. There was no useful news that would happen in the summer. So they created Big Brother. And now, we're sending Chris Philp over to try and attack the French. It's, you know, the wars are still going on. It very much feels like either the summer isn't the silly season, or maybe that's the secret. This is like the Hulk.

[00:13:52] But his secret is he's always angry. The secret of the news is it's always silly. And we'll do more of it tomorrow. Thank you for listening to Stephen Allen Almost Daily. This podcast is part of Podomity, the UK's podcast comedy network. Why not laugh at what else we've got? Visit Podomity.com.