Chapter Seven: The Last Chapter

[00:00:00] Welcome to Chapter 7 of the Adventures of Brian Hovis. I've been given a scratch card. The cost of this podcast are really mounting. Here we go. Could you imagine if we win now on air? On podcast land, a thousand. 8 chances to win here we go. 70,100. That's four pounds. 200.

[00:00:28] No, not a f-ing thing. So if you can donate, please do, loafadradio.com back to the story. Exterior. Camel. Desert. Day. I awake. Oh, after noon, Tim, I see you're still trotting along. Where are we? Hmm.

[00:00:52] It seems like we're trotting quietly past the edge of some kind of settlement. It has an unwelcome air. Now, Tim, we're heading straight for a trough of lovely water. I wonder Tim, whilst you're poor sure for traveling in a remarkable straight line, literally all day is impressive.

[00:01:10] Rather than tip it over, perhaps just this once, you could possibly slow down or or please just banana to the right. Oh, Tim! I look so fresh! Oh, it seems Tim that there are pipes collapsing throughout the settlement. People are starting to gather their own camels and weapons.

[00:01:36] Oh, for goodness sake, Tim, run! Oh, this is positively running for you, Tim. It'll fast up, perhaps? No. Somehow, over the next hour or so, Tim managed to gain some distance between us and us and our pursuers. Taken by itself, you would think this would be great news.

[00:01:53] However, taking as a whole as days out go, this was one of the worst ever. 14 hours on a runaway camel with dangles that feel as if they've been flattened by a waffle eyeer. On the other hand, the anaphylactic shock from the wasps, the Norring sensation of hunger,

[00:02:10] accented by the very tangible dysentery, or won't begin to outshine any pain in the balls. So, every cloud, and of course, you may have already thought it, but rest assured, I had long since regretted the decision to portray art has to run go alone.

[00:02:27] How I needed her now. How I needed anyone who wasn't intent on killing me. What I would give? My kingdom on this camel to see a friendly face. It was then I felt a tap on my shoulder, and I turned to see you,

[00:02:42] to see you, to see you, to see me, sitting behind me in a sad head. Use this, use this lovely, use this. Use this, reach round me and place this hand over Tim's eyes. Tim stopped. I breathed. Use this, I can't thank you enough. All was silent.

[00:03:02] Apart from the buzz of a stubborn wasp refusing to exit my nostril, the chirping of several locus did my beard. The rumble of around 100 angry people on horseback, sweeping over the nearby June towards me. And the repeated crack of AK-47 rifles aimed at my head.

[00:03:21] Stop the camel, uses stop the camel! Dreyah! Ah, tester! What are the chances? Just as I made friends with the cocknys, you've destroyed their water supply, and these guys tend to act fresh and ask for forgiveness later, with a long song. Now get in the car!

[00:03:38] Something I need to tell you. I think I may have been duped by a soft spoken woman with excellent map writing skills. Hey, the Gath Brigham! A violent journey over heart terrain seemed not above the useless in the slightest who almost seemed to glide above the car.

[00:03:54] I sustained a number of knocks and bumps. I will tell you about them in detail, but for the third time in two days, I entered unconscious. I entered unconscious. Whilst in my unconscious state, I saw many things.

[00:04:06] A woman looking like my mother wearing a cowboy hat and holding a sword. Pointing at me and telling me I was useless, then her head turned into butterflies, that exploded with beauty. One of the butterflies came and said to be in the minor,

[00:04:30] and I noticed his body was a camel. And then I was walking in darkness in the sand with testers voice nearby. Oh, oh, I was a week ago. This was actually happening. I'll allow Brian, you've come too. I fear I may be experiencing temporary blindness on a tester.

[00:04:50] I have an experience that since Paris 74, what a night. What are we doing? We are climbing a sand June and it is very exciting. Where are we? We have the chief, it's right.

[00:05:01] We're going to reach the top of this June and we will see the final resting place of Al Azul and his tower of thorn. Oh shit. Sounded like you said, it there, aren't? I did. In a good way? No. So this is not the ruins of the tower.

[00:05:17] Yes it is. But seems the tower was not made of many kinds of stone. What was it made of? It was made of pebbles. How many? Oh, 100 or so thousand perhaps. What?

[00:05:32] If the legendists true that one of them is a magical paddle land would be like finding a needle in a haystack. More like hay in a haystack. I felt my knees unwept. I'm not cut out for this. I couldn't even stop a camel. And this for whom? Mother!

[00:05:50] She loved me once. I doubt it. Long moments passed. And I cried while I felt the sun slipping another degree towards the horizon. And... I had no words left. Apart from these. Those leave me alone, Mr. They could say something.

[00:06:10] Leave me here alone to die like a prool. Oh, you're being dramatic. Am I? Ah, then at least I'm good at something. I should dramatically die now. Unless you can tell me some kind of story to make me feel marginally better. Huh? Got anything? Eh?

[00:06:25] I know a story just came to me. And it's trueer than this whole podcast. Trueer than you, Brian. An actual true story from the writers of you. Auntie was saying something in a language I didn't understand. Then she told a story.

[00:06:40] When I was a child, there was a pond in our garden. Every evening, three rats would visit. Two of the rats would take the ends of a stick into their mouths and the third rat would bite onto the stick between them.

[00:06:51] And they would walk down to the water together where they would drink. The middle rat was blind and the others were guiding it to the water. And especially moving story when you know it's actually true. Am I the blind rat?

[00:07:06] I think we all need each other a little more than we expected. Are you saying you need me aunt? Well, I'm staying maybe. You're saying you... You'd love me. Well, I'm not. I love you too. A beautiful, beautiful moment. I stepped toward her. Arms are gap.

[00:07:20] Full as an egg with love. I did not see the half buried skeleton in the sand between us. Into whose ribcage my eagle-foot was plied. With my ankle and an extra-clipper-bley mobile, my weight still moving forward. I realized that danger and expertly twisted my torso.

[00:07:35] Sizzaking the earth, saving my ankle. But resulting in the snapping of my share. Whoa! Did you see that? Oh, my fucking god! There was a light like a red glow that expanded around my shin. The knee began so small. Over there in the sea, a pebble.

[00:07:54] My shin has got. Brian, when you trip up, you must have sung a top-f sharp. My shin has got a... The legend is true. The pebble glow. My shin-boaten. Do it again, Brian. Listen to me. Make that noise again. I need a hospital. I think...

[00:08:11] No, make the noise, Brian. The note! No, that's not it. I'd have snapped. Oh, got the pain. I'll poke you in the shin down. Oh, higher. Uh-huh. Think about how it felt when it snapped. Uh-huh. Higher! Oh, higher! I think I'd go to pass out.

[00:08:27] I did not pass out. But I did vomit. Which as well as bringing back my breakfast also brought back my eyesight. A small, win in another wise, da situation. Meanwhile, Yustus who would be standing a top-fiz-own little Sanjun suddenly did something incredible. The top-f-sharp. The pebble.

[00:08:47] Oh, he's so useful. I can see it. The glow. Oh, Yustus keep going. We shall run down and get it. Oh, my shin! Ah, Jesus, I shouldn't have tried to run. I forgot. I'll get it. You slide on your ass back to the car.

[00:09:02] And so as I slid back to the Jeep down and African Sanjun on my ass. I thought about what I had learned today. About life. And Frank. I'm going to be a good man. I'm going to be a good man. About life. And Frank.

[00:09:17] Trust and other things like rodents compassion for each other. It was almost like I was forming some kind of conclusion to this chapter of my life. In a beautiful, if overly simplistic, sentimental way. Siding down, Siding down, As sent you on my arm, I think about life.

[00:09:43] I out here, I'll hear in Africa, learn it, learn it about life. It'll start it with my mother. Who made me feel a joke. Never left home, Then I'm by my auntie who gave me lots of hope. Somewhere over in America, I found Flaree and Connie E. Horn.

[00:10:17] She made me get on a steamboat and say you'll hear, sing it from New York. And the very first hurdle I was hoodwicked by a lady in a bar. She sold me a map and a life and a dream that made me travel far.

[00:10:43] So I fed my new family. And I moved out of town on tears. All because I wanted to prove. I was came up with what I was at. I wasn't sick. I cried, I cried my name is Brian. I hear from now, trust my new friends.

[00:11:10] Even if we fail, I believe trust I will defend. Call was though, If we really failed, Mother, Mother, My die, but no one, No one likes my mother, So let's crack gun and give it a try. Tomorrow the antiquity's auction, Tonight, We celebrate!

[00:11:43] I woke up with a heavy weight on my thighs. Good morning Brian. It was my aunt, Hester, who had used a sitting on her lap. Used as once again, flying the plane. That gemstone of yours comes in handy, doesn't it? Actually yes, I must fill you in. Oh,

[00:11:57] this is a hangover. You were quite the pole dancer. Have I missed anything? We auctioned the pebble for 31 million pounds. Great! No sorry, Lord of messes! Suitinies! I meant 31 million suitinies pounds. Which is 4,000 British pounds. Well, great start actually. Mine is the barbell, 12 pots of sprinkles,

[00:12:16] the cost of fixing the plane and your shin, and the cost of the deposit to tip the camel. Leaving about 32 pounds. Oh. When our flecked amessage at the hotel, to stay peri-winkly pronounced you dead on TV. Did you correct him? You can telegram from Capmendo. India, Nepal. Nepal!

[00:12:37] That's where our next art of fact should be. Our next, what we can't stop now, can we? Oh, aunt, we're adventuring further. Oh, I feel so welcomed into your bosom! I feel part of the team, I feel... Listen as you f*** this one up so badly.

[00:12:52] We better give it another shot, okay? Nepal! Indeed. A few days trek up the Himalayas and we begin our search for the priest of Piscas last Yeti-Wissel. Who that? He's coming out of his trontanti, you're a pilot. You're a well-trained pilot. An excellent pilot. Why don't you ask?

[00:13:11] The next adventure of Brian Hovis will be the priest of Piscas last Yeti-Wissel. But he can only afford to go if you give him some money. If you don't like giving up money, will he, nilly? Really? Why not get something as a treat and exchange?

[00:13:27] My hugely embarrassing ad-takes slash bloopers from recording this podcast Oh, my giddy good god! Are available for a tiny amount of money. Or why not check out my ever-growing adventure guides? For example, Brian's top ten plants to be avoided at all costs.

[00:13:46] Or, Brian's top ten tips for getting by and German without any language lessons. Just visit lofatradio.com! Thank you.