Christmas Comedy Gigs: Part 1 - You Should've Been Here Last Week

[00:00:00] You can count the punters on one hand.

[00:00:05] But the street they were completely wrapped.

[00:00:08] They were filled up to the guddles.

[00:00:10] They were chewing down the street.

[00:00:12] They said you should have been here last week.

[00:00:15] I swear, you should have been here last week.

[00:00:19] Oh yeah, you should have been here last week.

[00:00:24] You should have been here last week, special Christmas edition. It's one of the weirdest things that when what happens with Christmas gigs is it's the only time you walk into a comedy club, see absolutely heaving with people and you take

[00:01:42] yourself, oh God no. in a nightclub on Saturday in Eastbourne. It was weird because the people came up and it was only their second ever comedy night. And the proprietor was saying, look, I'm really sorry, Lance. We've only got 40 in. And I know you're disappointed. Ha ha ha ha ha.

[00:03:00] You're all going like this?

[00:03:01] We were!

[00:03:02] We're punching the hair going.

[00:03:03] No, it's not popping, mate.

[00:03:05] Oh!

[00:03:06] So thank you for the Glee Club in Birmingham. Oh, it's about 10 years ago now. But I was on stage and was a big, huge group of that 24 people. And the bot, she wasn't the boss, but she'd organised it, but she'd only been working there about three or four months, but she'd taken it upon herself to organise.

[00:05:28] later on it was a classic she's on the stairwell on the way outside the gig crying and the boss of the company goes she's only been with us about four months she's never said boo to a goose

[00:05:33] I can't believe it anyway we later learned she got sacked well for that influence yeah

[00:05:39] for the behaviour I don't think that's the word I think that's probably the worst thing

[00:05:43] she did that night but she was horrible to all the attention. Going, well, it's all about me, isn't it? It's always about me. I mean, I used to do, I mean, it's based on a true story

[00:07:00] for Friendamut, he used to work in an office in London

[00:07:03] and they went on, the Christmas do,

[00:07:07] and everyone had a bit much to drink. story for another time. So it was Christmas gig, big room, dance floor, audience nowhere near, bad microphone, it didn't work, no light, stage was right in the corner of this huge room, wasn't even along the back wall. All of us just stood there, sat in this room,

[00:08:20] waiting to go on. Oh yeah, it also had a huge meal,'re just not the same. I've got a great story about, was Nottingham Johnless and Dave Fulton. He was on stage and nobody was listening to him. So he just went to the side of the stage, took the microphone and sat on the steps and then just sang the first verse of Silent Night, the Carol, very quietly to himself.

[00:09:42] And of course you think,

[00:09:43] well, everybody knows Silent Night,

[00:09:45] some people are gonna join in.

[00:09:46] No.

[00:09:47] Everyone completely just went, just mention something I think about football. There's a guy in the front and he could just keep saying it in a really low on the hand voice. But it reminds about two days from Christmas, he was going, I'm gonna stab you. I'm going to fucking cut you. You fucking scouse wanker. Fucking cut you. And it was one of those where only I could hear it.

[00:11:03] Do you know what are those?

[00:11:04] If you made reference to it,

[00:11:05] everyone else would just think you were insane. Yeah, they pay. They pay okay. Of course, we could get into that thing of they don't pay as well as they used to, didn't they? Well, it used to be double bubble, didn't it? Or time and a half? It used to be. And it also used to be that, you know, if it was sold out, you would get extra for that. But that doesn't happen that much anymore, if at all.

[00:13:23] And Raymond Means, the god of Glasgow, was comparing. And I think it was me, Junie Simpson,

[00:13:26] I can't remember the third person,

[00:13:27] and we all had horrible gigs.

[00:13:29] But he was comparing, and after the first bit of comparing,

[00:13:32] he just came off and went,

[00:13:34] Jesus Christ, this is fucking unplayable.

[00:13:37] So we're all sort of like this.

[00:13:40] Raymond Means can't play glass.

[00:13:42] If even Raymond thinks this is bad,

[00:13:45] we're all fucked, and we all were.

[00:13:47] We're all like going over the top, Good luck. It's like that. Even if the geeks themselves aren't, you know, aren't fantastic. Also all the stuff associated with getting there because it's always busier on the roads and the stick and then he just goes, beep, if you don't clear the station, I should be calling the police. I'm going to get the police on you. And then someone shouted back, well, how are they going to get here?

[00:16:22] And it was like a massive standoff. is just, that should be number one on the job descriptions. Do you like moaning? Yes, you're in, you're in, yeah. Should we move on to heckling or? I mean, I don't think Christmas heckling is any worse than any other heckling. Now I think it's just in a strange sort of way.

[00:17:42] It's hard, hard to deal with

[00:17:44] because sometimes they've got the backing

[00:17:45] of the group they're in, or other times and everyone. You can just see all his employees, they hate him. And he was heckling everybody and you know, he said, you know, were the like the third best double glazing firm in the UK. And people just taking the piss out of it. And he was just shouting at me. I'm not proud of it though, but I just went, I don't know what, yeah. And I went like this.

[00:19:01] Stop it, mate.

[00:19:02] I can't hear you.

[00:20:05] dire, isn't it? Yeah, I think it's one of our previous guests said about Christmas,

[00:20:14] Christmas do's, about the parties who book, they come for the drink, not for the comedy, and they complain about the food. Very true, very true. I think that pretty much sums it up.

[00:20:22] I mean, yeah, the food is always terrible. Water Do you? Yeah. I say no. I mean, the last two years, because I've done some bits of bits pieces of work that paid me nicely in the month of December, it's meant that I decided, no, I don't have to do this.

[00:21:42] I don't have to do it.

[00:21:44] And I have, I'm I was mistaken in that belief. And then they get angry. When you see a great comic really angry on stage. Because what's the matter with you people? Don't you know that I'm great? No, no, go on, have your mind. I've also had a very good comic do that exactly the same as it can,

[00:23:01] and you're just like, you're lucky to have me.

[00:23:04] Which of course is even worse because you came last week, it was just you and another couple. That's not. Oh, God. I'll tell you, I mean, we're not gonna be doing Heckles, but I did a great one. I won't say the comedy that it was done to, but they were picking on some woman.

[00:24:20] It was in Birmingham and she was going to the toilets.

[00:24:23] And it was just, you know, like sometimes,

[00:24:25] Heckles, if they're timed, right,

[00:24:27] they don't actually have to be devastated Well, it is something that audience members do shout out often, as a retort. I think it's spread far and wide that one. So what else have you got to discuss? I think that's about it, really. Yeah. Has anything else you want to talk about Christmas gigs? You talk about the money, you talk about getting there, the depression scene, happy people,

[00:25:41] the grief.

[00:25:43] There was one thing I wanted to end up quite at the same time, I'm completely outside of society and what they're all doing. And it's sort of the encapsulation of what the comedian is really, the outsider. You know, we're there to provide revelry for them, but at the same time, we're not taking part of it.

[00:27:00] Oh, anyway, and then I went to the gig and it was horrible.