Little Bikini Woman

[00:00:06] Hail Chaos! If you are new to our quest, go back to episode 7.1, Gladiators. So, last time, Jon's son of Ander defeated all the gladiators and was out for our blood. I convinced the orcs to turn on Lord Bloodbucket, one of them killed him. Xanax made one of the other orcs giant-sized, and he ate the orc that killed Bloodbucket and became their new leader.

[00:00:33] In an attempt to escape, we wound up in an archery and trivia contest called Bullseye, which is hosted by Jim Bowman and a feral minotaur called Bully. While trying to win the archery contest, I sunk an arrow into the minotaur's ass. And you accidentally throw the arrow into Billy's arse. And Billy goes, oop shit! He actually clenches his fist, and he pulls, and he snaps the chains.

[00:01:03] He rears his head back. The goblins that are holding onto the ropes around his neck go flying! He charges into the audience and starts smashing with his fists. Jim Pullman is trying to control the chaos, and he takes his bow off, and he gets an arrow and goes, Well, looks like it's time to put Bully down. Right, little as Gnome, you won with 13 points. So you get the biggest prize! The boat with the caravan!

[00:01:32] A magic boat with a caravan, no less. Yowee! Now the elf. Hello, yes. You got three points, so you get one of the smaller prizes, like the Timeless Gold Effect Clock. Exciting! I would love the Timeless Gold Effect Clock. I'm very good. Oh, it's beautiful. It's not got any hands. I think, hmm, but I think it'll be a valuable antique in the future, I'm sure.

[00:01:59] Now if you excuse me, I've got to put Bully out of his misery. I've seen these clocks before. Did you know that if you tip it upside down, the lady on the back loses all her clothes? Oh, I have to try that. I simply have to try that. Can I see that? Does it have anything like that? Can I see? You know what? Roll maybe. Roll maybe. I want to see if this happens as well. On a very serious note, if anybody can get me one of those pens,

[00:02:27] I will move heaven and earth to get one of those pens. I've rolled a nine. Chaos. Chaos. You tip it upside down and, yeah, her bikini floats off and there's this very beautiful naked woman. There's no hands in the clock, it's just literally a clock face with this woman on it. And she starts screaming. She covers herself and she's like,

[00:02:59] I'm so sorry. I want one of those pens. That'd be great. Oh my God. In the audience, one of the orcs shouts out, Hey lads, do you see what the elf just did? Cancelled. Cancelled. Aren't you supposed to be getting destroyed by a minotaur? Cancelled. Then he gets destroyed by a minotaur and Bully turns around and just shakes his head reproachfully. I'm so sorry. Oh my God. I, I, I can only, do you want money?

[00:03:29] I need to give money. Do you know what? I am going to give you another point for that whole thing. Thank you. And do you know what? Felicity, because you, you didn't nail that. Not even fucking slightly. But can you roll 2d6 for me, please? Oh my God. Wait, let me give it a go. Uh, I rolled a, ooh, four. Four. Great. Yes. I was just wanting to see if Jim Bowman was going to be able to put Billy down before he caused more havoc. But no, he's.

[00:03:58] Billy has smashed his way through the crowd. Literally punched his way through the poor colors. Jim Bowman's off in pursuit. Things are on fire. People are screaming. You never turn that clock the right way back up. This poor woman is screaming. And where would you guys like to go? What would you guys like to do? You know, Louis, when I've, when I've done that before, those women never called me a pervert. Uh, hold on. I'm going to tug on the tablet of Jim Bowman and go, uh, Mr. Bowman, do I, do I get a prize?

[00:04:28] Well, I could feed you to bully and give him a last meal before he dies. Okay. Where are we going? All right, everybody. Into the caravan. Oh, I raised him from a minotaur. It's a small baby minotaur. That's great. Point for me. But for you. Um, but yes, everybody, into the caravan or the boat, whatever you fancy. Okay. Can I take the magic dagger out the, out the, uh, well, the bro's magic dagger out the mark and be like, I'm going to, I'm going to try my best. I'll do a paid job on this.

[00:04:58] Maybe I won't get in trouble as much. Uh, can I take, can I just take a, can I just take a prize? We can just take prizes. No one's watching. No one's watching right now. At this point, it's sheer pandemonium. The gnome that's still turning. They're still going round on this conveyor belt. This little gnome's like, take whatever you fucking want. Gnome-ia forever. Great sisters and brothers. Puts his fist up. Gnome power. I don't approve of this, but I will, I agree with you about the taking stuff. So we're aligned there.

[00:05:27] I, I, can I just take a, what's the first item I see? And I just grab it and stuff it in my, uh, my, my robes. The comprehensive set of encyclopedias. I love them. I, I, they weigh me down. But I like, I start like dragging them slowly. But I bring them in a caravan. I turn to the little, uh, conveyor belt gnome and I'm like, you want to come in the caravan with us? And he goes and gets in the caravan and you get in the caravan. Now there's three gnomes in the caravan and an elf with an encyclopedia.

[00:05:57] And Felicity, what would you like to do? Where would you like to go? Because we have come to the end of our session. Oh my God. Well, firstly, I'd like to crack open a good book and have a good read. That's my new encyclopedia. What letter are you starting at? I'm going to start with, uh, the best letter. P. P. I'm going to read P. For penis. Penis. Can I look up penis? I'll look up penis. It's the first letter. It's the first word in the encyclopedia.

[00:06:26] It just says penis. Ah, I see. It's a magic encyclopedia. So this is what that is. The dirty words find you. Oh, okay. Incredible. I. Bum. Bum is right there. Oh my God. Bum. Then boobs. Of all the B words. Bum. Boobs. Bitch. You just float to the top. Try Z. Try Z. Find Z. Find Z. You're in a caravan hitched to the back of a boat in a burning arena.

[00:06:55] Where are you going? Hopefully some body of water. The police will come anytime soon to drive us back. I'm certain. That's a really fascinating thing to say, Louis. I like that a lot. A body of water. Yeah. Louis. What? Louis, roll maybe. Louis, what have you done? I missed all of it. I said hopefully a body of water with the boat. I was just going to say we should unhitch it from the boat and leave the boat and just take the caravan, but. That's a nine.

[00:07:25] Chaos. It turns out this is a magic boat and it can take your caravan. Unfortunately, it does find the nearest body of liquid. It ain't water. As a matter of fact, the ground underneath you is supposed to open up. Oh shit. Oh shit. The boat and the caravan both plummet down, down, down. And you splash down in a thick, viscous gunge. And that is where we're going to end the session for this week.

[00:07:59] Before we end the session, can I ask the little conveyor belt to know his name? Yeah. Absolutely. Fuck me. Dave Benson. Matt. My name is Felicity Fishwick-Jones. Oh my god. What? You've stolen my identity. Oh my god. Did you steal theirs? Oh my god. We have done that because of colonialists. Oh my god.

[00:08:29] The star of the stage play, Rogue One. Oh shit. Felicity Fishwick Jones. Yes, about that singular rogue. None of us is going to have to go home and change. Oh well, I... What did you say? Rhiannon didn't just never left? I could just... Yes, you will go home. No, I'll go... I'll... Okay. I'm... You know what? I'll figure this out. I've probably got some sort of teleportation orb in my bag. I'll just...

[00:08:56] I'll change my name on the spotlight or whatever so we can have different names in the industry. I'll change it. And I find like a little... Let's see if I've got a little orb or something. That would take me... Melissa's star of the stage play, Chalet Girl? Hey, that was me. You know my... No, no, that was me. Are you on me? No, no, no, no, no. Are you on the International Play Database?

[00:09:25] Yeah, you can buy me. That's right. I've got a trivia section. Go on, ask me trivia about me and then you can go mine to see if you're right. I've got one question I've always wanted to ask you. Yep. Fistly Jones from Chalet Girl. That's right. You know how the concept of you going to just be a cleaner at a chalet at a snowboarding or skiing place? Yep. You are amazed by the concept of snowboarding.

[00:09:53] Even though you've spent the first like 10 years of your life skateboarding, you are amazed to find out snowboarding exists in this movie. Why is that? There's a very good reason for that. It was originally written for a swamp health and they got sick. So I was understudying. So it doesn't make any sense that you're quite right. But the character as written had never seen snow. Of course. So I know you're quite right.

[00:10:22] And it got savaged in the reviews for that very reason. And rightly so. Yeah. Not my best work. Just very... Thanks for casting that up. Adequate. Adequate. That's not bad. That's... Adequate stage play I watched on a Wednesday night one time. What's your favorite movie, Louis? My favorite stage play. Oh, stage play. Sorry. Yes. What's your favorite stage play? Oh, that would be probably... And tune in next week to find out Louis' favorite stage play.

[00:10:52] Next, Louis and Felicity Fishwick Jones find themselves mired in the gunge pit, but out of the Gladiators Arena. They may have won the day, but who has won the game? In third place with six points and the prize for best stand-up is Louis Smallhouse. In second place with eight points and the Oh No, Are All the Elves Like This Award

[00:11:21] is Felicity Fishwick Jones. And our winner is Xanax Moonbeam with 12 points at the award for best archery. What madness lies ahead. Only time may tell. Remember, travelers, to keep your caravans hitched and your arrows true. And, as always... Hail Chaos!

[00:11:47] Oh man, by the way, there was a whole fucking challenge of you guys racing John Son of Ander through the Eliminator. Out the window. That ain't happening, yeah. Oh my god. I'm so glad we got to do Bill's Eye and then you made me feel real fucking old. So thanks! Real specific reference, but it was still funny.

[00:12:08] I say, I say, I say, I say, what is the meaning of this crud? I am no dwarf, sir, to be treated with such roughness. The meaning of this is your daughter, Fishwick.

[00:12:37] To allow her to discover you in league with me was a miscalculation. To allow her to parent it aloud was a misstep. To allow her to do so in an arena full of spectators was a mistake. A grave one. What the same hell, sir? Do you think I can control such a willful girl? Besides, I cannot change the past. What's done is done. As we elves say, c'est la vie.

[00:13:06] You cannot change the past, but I can change the future. I can change it to a future in which Lord Fishwick no longer draws breath. Now, now, now, see here, sir. I will do all I can to remedy this situation. I can remedy it right now. Son of a bee sting! My finger! My mother of pearl finger, sir!

[00:13:35] Tell me again and there's nowhere in this realm or the next you can hide from me. Now go. Boy, your old is my load. I do not wish our guests to drown in the gruesome schools. Send a battalion of orcs to the slime pits. Recover the gnomes. Alive.

[00:14:05] This podcast is part of Podomedy Podcast Network, the UK's podcast comedy network. Why not laugh at what else we've got? Visit podomity.com.