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[00:00:00] This show is nominated for a 2026 Golden Lobes Podcast Award. Get in! I'm so glad that now the stuff you're saying is the worst part of the podcast, because up till now it's definitely been like the stuff that I've been saying. Hello, I'm Will. And I'm Hugh. And this is Legitimate Likes, the podcast where we take a look at some of humanity's most popular fascinations. And we try to work out, are they really worthy of the hype? They may be likes, but are they Legitimate Likes? This week, we're talking about plastics with special guest, Philippa Carson.
[00:00:30] The Dyson hanging on the wall like a... What's the story? What's the story with that there? Like a stag. It looks like itty bitty. Oh, that's just your... that's just your piece. Well, Hugh famously hunts Hoovers. We've obviously got this. He killed that Hoover and hung the head on its wall. Like little adapters as well. Oh yeah. So for the listener, Hugh's just showing us all the different adapters to the Dyson. Yeah, you see, that's why I want that. I want that itty bitty carry-on. You see, oh look at that!
[00:01:00] That's the most gangster I've ever seen Hugh. He held it sideways. You must... Wow, he's got it angled. I genuinely think in the dark, if somebody broke in and you were holding that like that, the power end of a vacuum and somebody broke in and you're like, what do you want? I think they would be feared. What's the most... Fearful? What's the most object that... What's the most object? What's the object? Welcome back to What's the Most Object?
[00:01:28] Philippa, round one. What is the most object? Oh gee, thanks so much host. Um, this object looks pretty objective if you ask me. And over to you Hugh. It's me, host Togli here. Remember, always be objective. Please don't interrupt me. I hate... But she is right now. I hate this. Do you hate this? Yeah. Carry on Will. For the first time listening, that's Philippa Carson by the way. Hello. Fan favourite. Yeah, sorry I don't mean to say I hate anything. I love most things. Singer, comedian, hater. That's what they call her.
[00:01:59] Hugh, you were asking something about objects. In the dark, what object would look most like a gun? Well, I tell you what. We have a little thing here that is a... Okay, so it was a cocktail smoking kit, right? So it's a gas canister. That's not just a really fun canister. It's literally a gas canister. It's a flame, a flame-making little gun. How would you describe it?
[00:02:28] For firing up your cocktails. Yeah, a lighter. No, so, so. The burner. I'll tell you this, not any more. Okay. It's a tiny little wooden thing. That... It's a tiny little ashtray that you stuff with little chips. Little wood chips. And then, it's within a little wooden little ashtray of sorts. Then you get your little blowtorch. This is the worst description of anything I've ever heard.
[00:02:53] Philippa, for someone who literally does ads, this is not good. And I do improv. Yeah, no, yeah. Like, you think I'd be able to, like, come up with that and describe it. Also, you're from famously the best storytelling culture in the world. But this isn't a story. It could have been. It'd be a story if I was like, and then it came to life. Oh, big reveal. It's a lighter that looks like a gun and a bit of wood with holes in it. Yeah. Okay. It's like a Bunsen burner.
[00:03:22] It's like an on-the-go Bunsen burner in the shape of a gun. Oh. Handheld Bunsen. Exactly. A Gunsen burner. A Gunsen burner. I'm taken to sleeping with it in my room when the boys are away. Because then I'm like, there's no boys in this house. It's just me and my tiny little Gunsen burner. So you're gonna flame someone if they break in. Well, if I, if I wouldn't, I wouldn't for fear that I'd hurt them.
[00:03:45] But I would say stay back and hope that they confuse it with something not what it is. Something more nefarious. Yeah. Oh my God. I was thinking the word nefarious just before we got on this here call. I kind of like how, how 19th century you are though when someone breaks into your house. Stay back! Like, it's, you're so well-spoken. I don't want to hurt you, but if I have to resort to nefarious methods, I will. Remain at bay.
[00:04:14] Did I ever tell you the spooky story about when I was alone in this house? Okay. And then, and then we were getting broken into. Some storytelling time. But before we do, I think you got to eat the mic a bit more. A bit less. Rocky Boney mic check, won't you? No, it's a bit of a difference. Hello there. Yeah, yeah, lovely. I'm so sorry. It's just, yeah, looking over there. Oh, thank you. Yeah. Anyway, you're gonna, you're gonna renew your storytelling vigor. Oh no, now there's pressure. There's always pressure. So picture this.
[00:04:42] It's, it's 1.30 in the morning. Will's sister's going into labor. Okay. I'm keenly tooksting and looking out for tooksts with updates about whether or not birth has happened. Okay. So I'm alone. It is dark. It is night. It is the summer. And so I have the window very open because it's London and it's a million squillion degrees. Yeah.
[00:05:10] Obviously, I'm still under an extremely heavy duvet because my bones are made of ice. Okay. That's just an aside. Yeah. So anyway, I put the phone down then I'm like trying to go to sleep in the dark. Then I hear a very, very, very loud sniffing at the window. Hideous. Yeah. The window is two meters from the bed and there is a large, large dog with his nose in my room.
[00:05:38] So you never worried that I was a human though. Did you know it was a dog straight away? No, just because like it's summer, it's hay fever season. Like I would be sniffing a lot. I'm not a nose blower. I sniff my way through life, which is terrible. I know, but. Oh my God. Me too. I'm a sniffer. I just can't. We're sniffers. Nose blowing is a horrible experience for everybody involved. And it's, I don't understand. Joan, I don't understand. Taking out a handkerchief, you're blowing it. You're blowing your nose one handed and then you're putting that handkerchief back in your fucking
[00:06:08] pocket. Yeah. Yeah. Throw it in the pen. I'd like to use the word hanky more though. I wouldn't. Oh no, it's not a good word. No. Bit of hanky panky? I knew he was going to say panky. Bit of hanky panky? The minute he said hanky I thought he was going to say hanky panky. Anybody fancy a bit of hanky panky? And I don't want it to happen. English rhymes are the worst. Hanky panky. Whereas we have like, rooly booly. Like that's a proper rhyme. Rooly booly. Fantastic. Yeah. There's the dog.
[00:06:37] So did you say the dog is in the room? As in, he does be sniffing at the window, but it was like his whole nose was because the window was so open. Of course. Because it was the summer. And so then I was like, oh my God, oh my God, completely quiet. And then I can hear a person walking around behind the dog opening and closing our bins. No. And I'm like, what are you looking for in the bins? What is happening? And then I just see. Okay. I'm closing my eyes trying to be like, it can't be happening. It can't be happening.
[00:07:07] Just, just stay really still so that they don't know anyone's here and they just let go away. And then my eyes are suddenly lit with a torch light. But the man is standing on the other side of the window, shining a torch through the blinds. What did you like? What did you say that I missed? You missed you saying, oh no, the dog has a torch. Okay. So now I'm going to pause this story and go to Will.
[00:07:37] Okay. Yeah. So not because I'm fed up with the story. No. It's a really boring story. No, Will, at this point we've been told that there's a man outside who's gone through the bins and is now shining a torch in the window. Is there any non-negative possibility here? The guy's a torch salesman and is just really good at selling torches and knows the point at which they will be most effective to be sold. Can't sell a torch in the daytime.
[00:08:02] The dog used to live here and wanted to get in and just had found his way back. It's you from another galaxy. Those are the three options. Philippa, when we were eight years old, you wanted to be a dog. So badly. So badly. So badly. Called Matt. I just wanted to be a dog called Matt. I was going to say, how do you remember? But actually I made everyone call me Matt the dog. Really? So badly. In ballet, we had to stand up and say what we wanted to be when we grew up. And everyone was like, oh, I want to be a princess. I want to be a princess.
[00:08:32] And I stood up and I said, I really want to be a dog called Matt. And then my teacher was like, you can't be. You have to pick something you can be. Whoa. I was like, your one's not going to be a princess. Yeah, exactly. Well, she could. You could always marry a prince. Her dad's been investigated for tax fraud. So I don't know if that's happening. So I should say to the listener that the first time listener anyway, that you are blood relatives with you. That's why he knows you from the age of eight. Okay. We will, I swear, get to plastic.
[00:09:02] Oh, do you know, I hate that I've done this. You have come on the podcast and you don't like chat podcasts. And I've made a big tangents. I hate tangents more than anything. Because I've got loads of pins also. Because I'm like, there's pins in my head. Oh my God. This is a notice board full of pins. This is dreadful. I'm desperately sorry. So who's the man with the dog? Or the dog with the man. They went, they went away. Okay. So I'm lying in bed having the torch shone on my face. Yeah. Through the blinds.
[00:09:30] And I'm staying perfectly still like holy shit, holy shit. And then he went away. And I got out of bed and I ran to look at you know, but we've got the frosty windows. I can't, couldn't see out. And then I rang you to be like, holy shit, the terror. And then I went back to sleep, forced myself to get back to sleep. Woke up for a baby update. Baby update. I can't remember what the baby update was. I think there was no baby and we were just, me and my mum were just hanging out drinking. At about three in the morning. And then I'm trying to get to sleep again.
[00:09:59] And he comes back at three in the morning. The torch lights back in my eyes. And I was like, that is genuinely terrifying. Because now it's like, now there's more people. I could hear more people. And I was like, oh my God, you've gone away. You know that it's just me. You've come back with more people. And eventually I was just like, I've just got to get up and scare him away in some, I don't know.
[00:10:22] But he was just on the other side of my window shining, shining the light through it, shining the light, like drawing such attention to himself that I was like, he's obviously trying to get in. So I just went to the other side of the window and like kind of banged on my shutters. And was like, hello. And the guy was like, hello. And I said, yeah. And he was like, yeah. And he was like, yeah. Is this? And I was like, maybe don't say your address on the podcast. Sorry.
[00:10:52] And he was like, yeah. Make it a different number. Is this X blank X house? We'll bleep it. Is this bleepity bleep? And I was like, no, that's upstairs. And then he was like, oh, okay. And I was like, well, who's this? He was like, it's the police. And I was like, the police, my arse. Like, what are you doing? What are you doing? And he was like, I can't tell you. I need to only tell the upstairs people. I was like, why are you shining a light through my window, please? Twice. An hour and a half apart. Yes.
[00:11:19] Anyway, then he started shouting up and they started having a conversation from upstairs to downstairs. And I never found out what happened. And I, the baby was born and I fell back asleep. What turned out happened. Our neighbors told us that the first guy with the dog had actually got a team of people and they picked up our neighbor's motorbike, brought it down to the end of the road. And we're sawing us, sawing the like lock off. And then neighbors called having recognized the bike.
[00:11:49] And so then the police were coming back. But what kind of gobshites of police don't want to shine the torch in your window? Ring the bell, you freak. Would you say that though, the police officer didn't have very good plasticity? Didn't mold to the situation very well. If I was you and you were Michael, I'd say something like, speaking of the shittest segue of all time, it's our producer, fucking stupid dumbass Michael. That's probably what we'll say.
[00:12:17] And I'd say they're so mean to Michael and I continue to not listen. But would you say that like, if the cop who came, it was obviously very late at night, right? So would you say that... I think he's a cop. It's that, well there's a reason because I didn't want to overload the same word. Here we go. It's very good. It's definitely going to work. Really good. Yeah, would you say that because of that time, you would say that he wasn't feeling as chipper as he would be in the middle of the day? Maybe it's that the...
[00:12:45] Are the polystyrene as the... As the night goes, are the polystyrene? Polystyrene. It's really good. Welcome to our episode on plastics. Plastics are a wide range of synthetic or semi-synthetic materials composed primarily of polymers. The defining characteristics, plasticity, allows them to be moulded, extruded or pressed into a diverse range of solid forms. Extruded is a horrible word.
[00:13:15] Where did you say extruded? Did you just say the word extruded? Yeah. Isn't that so funny? It's like the minute he started spewing out a bunch of information, I just stopped listening. Which is why I'm one of the bad people. I did not spew out any information. I extruded the information. Very good. Would you like to have a quiz all about plastics? Yes. The only time I think I've used the word extrude is when I had snails in my classroom a few years ago. And deliberately, I should say, it wasn't just like, oh, he's got worms, he's got snails, you know, he's got nits.
[00:13:44] The kids just loved them. And so we brought them, we ended up having 28 of them in this big box. And we brought in different food and water and things. One time I left the lid off the box at night though, and then came in the next day all over the walls. Got them all back in the box. Although later, end of the year, taking down stuff off the classroom. And I found one behind a poster, Hanisha. He dried out on the wall and died. But the snails also had sex in the box at various times.
[00:14:10] And the way they did that was by extruding little strands out that then connected to each other for a bit. And then they'd bring them back in. What a handier way to have sex. You don't have to take off your clothes. Oh, that sounds pretty familiar to me. No? Is that not? Hmm. Weird. Question number one in the quiz all about plastic. Okay. Can I be on Hugh's team? Because whenever I'm on Hugh's team in quizzes, I tend to win.
[00:14:37] I think you're going to help, this first question, I think you're going to really help Hugh out. Oh. Question number one, name all the plastics. What does that mean? Specifically, at North Shore High School. Oh. Okay. North Shore High School. Oh my God, Mean Girls. There you go. Oh my good God. So we've got Regina George. Correct. We've got... Gretchen Wieners. Correct. Gretchen Wiener. Just one Wiener, I think. No. Is she Wieners?
[00:15:06] She is plural Wieners. Gretchen Wieners. Is she Gretchen's Wiener? Okay. No, no, no. Gretchen Wieners. The Gretchen is singular. But Karen... Karen... Oh my God, Karen, you can't just ask people why they're white. Amanda Seyfried. Yeah, what is her surname? Karen. She's like, Seth Wasikowski is looking super cute tonight. She's like, you can't make out what that means you're a cousin. And she's like, yeah, but he's my first cousin. I like that.
[00:15:35] We might not get the answer, but we'll get the full script. Was... So is it Wasikowski? Was it Kowski? Karen. Karen. Karen. Karen. Karen. Karen. Phillips. It begins with an S. One syllable. Schumer. Oh, Karen Smith.
[00:16:05] Karen Smith. Oh, well there you go. That's why we didn't remember. Well, hang on though. She's... They're not the only three though. Oh no, no, no. There's one more. Okay, because... So we've got... Katie Heron. Katie. Katie Heron. Wait, are you about to do the thing that happens to her the whole movie and call her Caddy? No. I thought her name was Caddy. Wait, what? I haven't seen in a while. Oh God. But then what about there's also new plastics at the end of the episode. Episode, not a podcast. Wow.
[00:16:34] It's really struggling. The three new ones, remember? Oh yeah, I didn't count the new... Like in the... I don't count the new ones, the new batch. Hang on. That's in the next film. No, but at the very end, she's like... And there's a whole new bunch of plastics ready to take over. You're right. Or something like that. Yeah, but they're ready to take over. I'd say that... So it is part of the same film. No, yeah, so I haven't a clue what their names are. That's for the Mean Girls episode. If I were to tell you that I have kids in the classes I'm teaching, I'm not saying any
[00:17:02] specific year, and I'm like, bit of a Regina George. Hmm. Hmm. How much positive do you find in that? And how much of it is negative? 80% negative, 20% positive. Vibha? Oh my God, like 50-50. Oh! I just think like that kid has confidence. Fair play. She's obviously a little shit. But like long made the confidence last before the world kicks it out of you. Also, Regina's really nice in the end.
[00:17:31] She is nice in the end, yeah. She's just... She's obviously dreadful. But I don't think anyone's talking about when you say she's a real Regina George or Regina Jaij, you don't think of the redemption bit. No. Or the redemption bit. You think she's like a crazy bully and everybody knows everything about her. Yeah. Is that what... Why is the... Are the kids in question goodies?
[00:17:57] I'd usually say that there's certainly the potential that it can all be good in the end, you know? Because yeah, all the qualities are there, you know? But still, I probably wouldn't say it's their parents. You know? Like... Do you remember that film Mean Girls? So, your daughter is like the main mean girl.
[00:18:23] But you see, we would also use, even in teaching you, I would occasionally use the phrase mean girl, but very much capitalized in quotes, you know? Oh. I'm not saying the child is actually mean. Like don't be a mean girl. I'm saying there's the mean girls vibe, you know? So, there was a time when I was in UCD and one of the societies invited out Michael Sheen to visit. Remember Michael Sheen? The incredibly lovely man who's buying people's debt? No. Is he buying people's debt? The Welsh man.
[00:18:52] Is he the Welsh man? The wonderful Welsh man. He's a not-for-profit actor who is buying up people's debt. What a wonderful, wonderful person. He's like a million pounds of Welsh people's debt for a hundred grand. No way. I mean, he always seemed lovely. And like... So, he was in lots of things. He was... He played Tony Blair in the Helen Mirren film, The Queen. He played Brian Clough in The Damned United.
[00:19:21] You know, he's in plenty of stuff. He's in Twilight. But this... Is he in Twilight? Very importantly. Remember his highbrow work. He looks really silly with scooped back hair and he's like, I'm ahead of the evil people. And they're like, Oh! That's my... Do you remember him in 30 Rock? Where he plays an Englishman called Wesley Snipes? Oh yeah, it's ringing a bell. And he's like, No, it's very awkward that everyone keeps thinking, I'm the other Wesley Snipes. He... Anyway, he came out to visit UCD,
[00:19:51] the university in Dublin. He was like, Oh, my girlfriend's gonna come with me. So his girlfriend's... His girlfriend comes with him. And she's Rachel McAdams. Whoa. I think they could actually hear how wide Philip's mouth went then. Oh, my God. Are you serious? So like, everyone was like, Oh, and here, let's go and listen to Michael Sheen. It's like, Rachel McAdams is just sitting over there. Regina George is also present. Yeah. Whoa. I don't think they're together anymore. Oh, God. She's some ride.
[00:20:20] Like, she's something else. Would you say she's a bit of a wax worm? Is this another segue? Question number two. Oh, my God. Amazing. What do wax worms, the caterpillar larvae of the greater wax moth, eat? Is it plastic? I wonder if we invited Michael Sheen on the podcast, would he bring Rachel McAdams? More difficult now. It would be much weirder now. They're not together anymore. A wax worm. Yeah. They eat plastic, do they, Philippa? Oh, I haven't rashes. I've never heard of a wax worm in my life.
[00:20:49] And in fact, I'm quite upset to hear that they exist. Oh, yeah. Or do they eat wax? So what's the question again? You've answered it. You've nailed it. Oh. You don't need the question again. They eat honeycomb, beeswax, pollen, and honey inside beehives. They can also devour polyethylene, along with the closely related polypropylene, which is the main type of plastic found in waste. Okay, so shall we just get loads of these worms? So this is what they've been talking about. But the problem is, they eat all of the good stuff that bees make.
[00:21:19] So all the wax and all the honey and stuff. So you need to, basically they're trying to like target the enzyme that they produce that can allow them to break down the plastic. Can we just put them in the bin though? Yeah, just put them in the bin and not hive. Instead of putting them near the bees. I don't know if people could be trusted. Bin not hive. That's the whole campaign. The campaign is just called Bin not Hive. You should go around a rental property in London and the guy's like, Yeah mate, pretty good amenities. You've got everything that you need nearby. You've got all the appliances, you've got your bins here,
[00:21:49] you've got your compost bin, you've got your waxworm bin, you've got your regular bin. Just remember, don't put any of your jars of honey in the waxworm bin, or they're just gonna absolutely demolish it mate. And if you do have a hive, keep it out of the bin. And also, I must say this, keep the bin worms out of the hive. Perfect. Yeah? Think it'll work? Yeah. That's cool though. Let's do it. The waxworm larva. That's great. That's great. Question number three, what percentage of plastic that's ever been made is still around today? Oh God. It's bad.
[00:22:19] I think it might be a hundred percent. Is it a hundred? Yeah. Final answer? Go on here. So let's say it melts, right? Let's say it gets melted. It's still gonna ultimately at some point re-solidify, isn't it? What if it's in a volcano though? What if we throw the plastic into a volcano? Oh my God. I didn't, I didn't. Worms in bins, plastic a volcano. Although it's gonna release all the fumes and that'd be horrible. Oh yeah. Yeah. But it's so hot. Right? It's so hot in there.
[00:22:49] Like Rachel McAdams. Exactly. Wait, why don't we put it all in Rachel McAdams? I don't know. Oh no. Oh no. Oh. Oh sorry. I think it might be a hundred percent. So I, I did not expect the volcano conundrum to be thrown at me so early in the show. No one ever does. But technically it's a hundred percent because plastic doesn't biodegrade. It just breaks into smaller and smaller pieces.
[00:23:15] So every, every single piece of plastic ever made still exists in some form on earth today. That's very annoying. Which is, how much plastic is in the ocean? Oh, I think it's something like 80 million tons. Let me check. No, no, Will. So how many metric tons of plastic already pollutes the world ocean? World's ocean. Okay. Well, okay. Let's think. An elephant is a ton. Okay. How many elephants of plastic are in the ocean?
[00:23:43] How many elephants worth of plastic have we got in the ocean? How much plastic have you put in the ocean? Me personally? Yeah, yeah. Does pee count? Microplastics probably, yeah. A couple of liters. A couple of liters. I've been peeing in that sea for a long time. Do we all pee in the sea, guys? Yeah. Get out of here with a couple of liters. We have absolute barrels of the stuff. Sure, you do it enough and you can barely go into the sea without needing to go. Yeah, yeah.
[00:24:12] Because it's all psychological then. You know, you're like, well, here I am. Oh, yeah. I never wee in the sea. I wee on the beach, no? I wee on the beach. Yeah, that's the good bit, isn't it? Yeah. You don't wee in the pool, you wee into the pool. Yeah, there's a very big- And they're a whole different kind of person. Very big but very small difference between peeing in the pool and peeing into the pool, yeah. But sorry- How many elephants over plastic? How many elephants over plastic? How many elephants over plastic? Plastic. Oh. Would they say plastic? I think plastic. Who would say plastic? Nobody.
[00:24:40] Okay, how many elephants worth of plastic? Well, you're having a guess. Well, you've said 80 million tons. That was my guess and let me tell you I was way off. I'm gonna say it's 200 million. How the hell have you done that? Is that right? I don't understand. Every time we have a quiz, Hugh gets it either just off or bang on. It's 200 million tons. Yeah. Whoa. And we probably only have 200 elephants or something like that. That's the worst thing. It couldn't be 200 million tons.
[00:25:10] Nah, it's not. Oh, sorry. I thought you were gonna say it couldn't be only 200 elephants. Oh, that's sad. Yeah, hopefully not. You know, like, do you ever think like when there's an animal and you're like, there's 38 of them left in the world. Oh no. And you're like- They have to have sex with their cousins. I'm sorry, that's not what you were thinking. You're really thinking a lot about this cousin stuff. Wait, was that? Because of- Because of the making out with your cousin. Em, go on. Well, I just think like, I don't know what-
[00:25:37] I think there's some sort of rhino that there are literally like 38 of them or something in the world. White rhinos. Yeah. Maybe there's one of them. Think how many hats you have. Like between the three of us, do you reckon we have 38 hats? 100%. How many hats do you have, Hugh? I think I've got like nine hats. Yeah, maybe I only have about six. Does my kneecap balaclava count? Yes.
[00:26:03] I bought my kneecap balaclava so that I can menace people that menace me when I cycle in the winter in London because I do be getting menaced. Yeah. And I just figured if you can't tell who's under that balaclava cycling along, well, you know. Do you know what, Philippa though? It's only now that I've realized that when you said kneecap balaclava, you meant the sort of balaclava that the lads might wear. I thought it was a balaclava for your knees.
[00:26:34] Like 100%. And I was like, why is that? Like, do her knees get cold? But is there also a gap in which case they're only going to get colder? Yeah, yeah. What would a knee balaclava have missing from it? Because there have to be gaps for it to be a balaclava. Oh, very good. Yeah. So the vaquita is widely considered the world's most endangered animal. A tiny porpoise endemic to the north. A tiny porpoise.
[00:27:01] Estimated 10 or fewer individuals remaining. No. No. Yeah. The vaquita. Now mind you, that is the AI overview, so it's probably a lie. Well, there's a YouTube video of 20 minutes long saying only 10 left and it's by Animalogic. So I think that's pretty... Two minutes for every vaquita. Whoa. Vaquita, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da. And there's something, da, da, da. And there's only 10 of them.
[00:27:31] La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. What song is that? It's an ABBA song. Chikatita. Isn't that what it's called? Chikatita, yibba, blah, blah. Yeah. Is it called Chikatita, yibba, blah, blah? I don't know. Chikatita. The vaquita only 10 left. Exactly. That's what I was going for. The death of one female's catastrophic. Pfft. For the survival of the tiny porpoises. That is perfect. You see, now I'm going into Fernando.
[00:28:00] That's what I thought you were doing. There's something in the air. No. But they're different songs. Oh. Yeah. I thought you were singing Fernando, and I was like, the vaquita in Fernando is pretty, it's a bit of a stretch. No, I was being Chikatita or whatever it is. Chikatita. Chikatita. There's an ABBA song called Chikatita. Nah, mate. Don't be, what's the word? Stupid. Right. Go on with your quiz. Come on. That's the quiz is done. Oh. The quiz only has three questions in it. Wait, is that the end of the structure of the episodes? I'm going to die. Is that the end of the structure?
[00:28:29] Yeah, that's the end of the structure. We had the first bit of the episode where you told loads of nonsense stories. Then we had a quiz, and now we're just freewheeling. We're like, we've all broken apart into little bits, and now we're going to end up in people's penile tissue. Oh, God. That's happened, you know. I did look at... No, that's not the tissue you use to wipe. No, that's called my furry friend. That's the hanky. We're back on hankies again. That's my wanky hanky.
[00:29:00] You take your hanky. I just meant going to the toilet. Yeah, I'm so sorry. It just rhymed. I can't be held accountable for a rhyme. Yeah. Now look, you've a lot written down there. That's why I thought there must be more structure to this. But very little. Looking at this as a subject. Because you sort of suggested this half jokingly, I think. I was joking. So why did you want to talk about plastics? I think because I watched that Netflix documentary about microplastics, and I've been thinking about them ever since, and it's really driving me bananas.
[00:29:30] I watched it because I was about to buy something new. A kettle. A kettle. Because you were telling me about kettles. I was about to buy a new kettle, and I was like, hang about. Aren't kettles like plastic? And then if you're heating them up, would you be getting the microplastics in the water, like in the tea or whatever? So I was like, oh, I better look that up. And then I saw the Netflix documentary, and I said, I don't think I want to watch that because it's going to give me all sorts of angst. However, I want to know. Yeah.
[00:29:59] And the documentary was, I want to say, a little bit, it gave off right-wing vibes. Okay. Because the woman who was leading the research, her main thing was charged by the decrease in fertility in the States, and saying that microplastics could be at the cause of infertility
[00:30:24] in men, as well as fluctuations in hormones for women. So the sperm count going down as a result of the plastics. And for women, the microplastics being hormone disruptors, making it difficult for women to get pregnant. So it was all just a big fear of like, you know, when they put in loads of clips, that's like the human race is in danger. Yeah. It's like, look lads. Try being a vaquita. Try being a vaquita. Yeah.
[00:30:52] I was just like, this is not... Okay, obviously that's an issue. We don't want that to be happening. It's a very dreadful thing for people to have to go through that. But just whenever it's a like, uh-oh, we better start having more babies because we're under pressure, that we're going extinct. I'm like, lads, it's not the case. Yeah. Who is we? Who is... Because if it's all the humans, okay. But I have a feeling it might just be a specific demographic.
[00:31:21] The ones that agree with you. Yeah. Yeah. So I don't know, I kind of thought... But it is spooky. This is weird. But yes, it was spooky. And so why? Because there's plastic everywhere yet? There's plastic everywhere. Yeah, apparently we consume roughly a credit card's worth of plastic every single week, mostly through water and food packaging. Is it doing us desperate harm? Or is it just not great? We think it is. It's pretty bad, yeah. I think there's not full research on how bad yet, because we're only sort of discovering it. But there's microplastics, there's also nanoplastics. Nanoplastics are the cellular level plastics.
[00:31:51] Now, microplastics is everything below like five millimetres or something, like smaller than a grain of rice. Mm. And so does it get into... Like, so we eat it, goes down into the old tom. The gut. Does it head off into the bloodstream then? Yeah. Go on, tell us. Well, when I said penile tissue earlier, wasn't joking. In 2024, they found microplastics in human penile tissue, which is good news if you have a micropenis, because it'll make the plastic look regular sized. Like the plastic?
[00:32:18] Why did they look straight at the penile tissue? You know? But you see, this is the thing. We're eating all the plastic, and they're like... What's it doing to my winky? We need to see what's happening to the old todger. What does this mean about my winky? Like you've heard about the endometriosis research studies, have you? No. Endometriosis being a thing where your womb lining grows on different parts of different organs all over your body. It causes like absolute mayhem, and it's really dreadful.
[00:32:46] And so it was considered like a gynecological issue, but because it's actually over your full body, that's now being changed, but it's like unbelievably painful, difficult, and under-researched. And they got some funding, and it was spent on how men... There were two studies done. One of them was on how attractive women who have endometriosis are. Nice. And the findings were that hot women tend to have endometriosis.
[00:33:16] The other find... Or the other research that was done... Multi-womb. Sorry, go on. The other thing that was done, research that was done, was to see how it affected people with endometriosis as male partners. I mean like, so obviously, this is a colossal problem in science that so many... So much science has always been male-led, you know, and therefore like doesn't... But like the idea that they're literally like, we've found this new thing.
[00:33:45] But how hot does it make? Exactly! Exactly! And it's just like, oh there's plastic in everybody's food, but how will it affect my penis? Quick! To the lab! The title of the study was called, Get a Womb! Yeah? Yeah. Get a womb? Yeah, yeah. Get a womb! Swit swum! Swim! Nice. Is there a chance we'll all be fine though? Yes. I really hope so.
[00:34:13] I'm sure they all smoked in the past. And this is where I'm obviously a dreadful influence, but whenever my friends are pregnant, I'm like, do what you want. And then obviously that's not what you should be saying. Cut to three hours later, they're smoking crystal meth in the back of a Jeep. I don't... None of my friends have done that in my... After my advice, I don't think in my personal experience. Yeah. We're yet to discover. But yeah, I just think if we're all alive, I'm sure they used to smoke on
[00:34:43] the drink and everything was great. Like they all smoked. Not everybody died due to the smoking. Do you know? Yeah. Yeah. Some people are still alive. Yeah, so... This message is supported by Phillipa Garson. And I suppose... So when plastic gets into the ocean, right? Now let's not talk micro. Let's talk your old, you know, your six pack rings. Yeah, your macro plazies. Yeah. Your macky plaz.
[00:35:11] When that gets in the ocean, obviously if it goes around a fish's neck or a sea turtle's neck or something, that's terrible, right? Yeah. Is it... All this is gonna make it sound like I think it's fine to throw plastic in the ocean. I obviously don't. But like, does it damage the water as well? Does it kill off... Like, you know, what's it doing? Or is it just that it's in the way? We should have had an expert on really, shouldn't we? Yeah. Because I've got... Oh yeah, go on then. I forgot, I'm a complete expert. Yeah. I'll tell you what it is that happens. What does it do to the turtles?
[00:35:41] Okay. Listen up and listen good. The turtles actually have this underground network under the sea. And plastic has really been messing with their signaling system. They've actually a really advanced traffic light system. And basically because they all move so slow because they're turtles. Turtles, yeah. I think she's more twice as she's thinking of turtles. But anyway, go on. Wait, wait, Hugh, sorry. No, I reject that because you've only seen them swimming around. You haven't seen them in the underground traffic system. Yeah.
[00:36:10] And most of that is just traffic jams because it's very busy. Sorry about him. No, that's okay. There's loads of wax worms down there and they're doing their bests. But they haven't got through all the plastic. Plastic's totally clogging up the systems and messing with the signals. They keep getting distracted by underwater beehives. Exactly. Yeah, yeah. And so, and so. Which Will would be called? Water BBs. Okay, I was thinking bee dives or sea hives. Sea hives. Of course. Oh yeah, sea hives. Yeah, of course. I didn't know what you wanted from me and I'm quite stupid by nature.
[00:36:40] So I went for. Penile tissue. Water BBs. His penile tissue is just full of plastic. That's why he can't think straight. And his penis doesn't go straight anymore either. It's the shape of a credit card. And the texture of a polyethene bag. But yeah. You've come to the end of the turtle bit. That's it, I've come to the end of the turtle bit. Yeah. Yeah, it seems to be bad.
[00:37:05] I think it's that off gassing, the off gas of the plastic as well is, and there's things called volatile organic compounds that come off of plastics that come off of like things like say the floors in new, like a vinyl floor. Yeah. Are actually all made of plastic. And those plastics, if you scratch your table off the plastic when you drag it, it's going
[00:37:34] to create little micro plastics the same way if you cut your chicken on a plastic chopping board. It's weird. But it's just like, what are we supposed to do? What are we supposed to do? Yeah, exactly. You can't live your life tiptoeing around that, you know? No. So it's bad, but probably, dude. No, but I'll tell you what. Oh yeah, here we go. I'll tell you what makes me very, very grumpus my gumpus. Okay? Okay. A little rhyme there. Oh yeah, what am I British?
[00:37:59] I can't stand the new paid deposit on your plastic bottle and your can bullshit in Ireland. I think it's the worst. Stop passing the cost onto the consumer and just start, he's rubbing his hands together because he can't wait to show us his giant bag. He's going to go show us his giant bag. Because he's going to get loads of money, but you're just getting your own money back.
[00:38:27] Well, you're also getting other people's money back. No, I'm not. I'm getting my sister's money back. I'm getting the people who spent the money on the cans and the bottles that I pick up off the street back. I'm getting the money back from the parents of the children whose water bottles I take from them after the end of the school day. Oh my God. No, no, from the bins, from the bins. I make a killing off this, Philippa. Oh no, no, but okay. Okay.
[00:38:51] I think it punishes people who are neuro spicy, who would never ever get it together enough to have a bag and be so organized as to bring your stuff. So you're just, for me, I'm just going to spend the money and never, ever, ever be organized enough to like keep all my water crap. And it would just build up and be rubbish in my house. If there is a problem with too much plastic, stop making the fucking plastic. Just say you gotta have cans. The end. Hey, Coca-Cola, biggest business in the whole world. No longer are you allowed to make plastic bottles.
[00:39:21] They've got to be in tins. The end. And then there's no, then that's it. Recycle the tins. Easy peasy. What are you passing it on to us for? But there's a charge in the cans as well. I know. That's also fucking bullshit. That makes me so cross. So, so cross. I can't handle it. Ireland has priced me out. I'll never be able to go back. Stop making the fucking plastic. When they could be using mycelium packaging, which is created by combining agricultural waste like hemp or corn husks with mushroom root structures.
[00:39:48] And now this, if you thought extrude was bad, Hugh, listen to this. The fungal threads grow and bind the waste together, forming a durable light structure. That was iambic pentameter, I think, was it? The fungal threads grow and bind the waste together. Not quite. Not quite. Had to fudge it a bit. Biogrid degrades in a few weeks, and IKEA and Dell have both shipped products in packaging that's literally been grown from mushrooms. Unbelievable. That's what it should be. That's phenomenal. Yeah.
[00:40:16] The government should say, fantastic, I'll give you grants, and you can go and invent those things. But aren't they going to go and chop down the Amazon to grow a load of mushrooms then? You know? Isn't there always another?
[00:40:57] Oh, there is always your life. Is it getting worse? Or is it just the same? Yeah, it sheds more. You shouldn't reuse them because they've got stuff called BPAs in them. I think some of them are now BPA free. I think they're separate though. I think actually over time the amount of microplastics that leach out goes down but the BPAs go up. I think it gets worse in different ways. So we should all just be using stainless steel bottles, should we? Yeah. The phthalates and all these things. Phthalates which has a hidden T.
[00:41:27] Who are they? Irish. A hidden T? Phthalates. The word phthalates, there's a T. But I can hear the T. Oh, sorry. No, the other T. Sorry. Actually, of course you can hear that T. Phthalates is P-H-T. P-H-A-L-A-T. Oh my God. It's such a hidden T. It's got a decoy T at the end. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I didn't even realize about the decoy T. Philip is bringing the spelling bee here. Oh shit. I better be right. Please, please Google phthalates. No, of course you've got to keep the spelling wax worms away from the spelling bee.
[00:41:57] Very good. Oh my God. Phthalates. Please be right. Oh yeah, I'm right. Shit, yeah. I love that. That's the best hidden T I've ever seen. Phthalates. Phthalates. Phthalates. Phthalates. Yeah. So, what are they? They're a group of synthetic chemicals used as plasticizers to make plastics like PVC flexible and durable. Okay, so they're also in fragrances and cosmetics and the thing is- That blows my mind. Sorry, but I don't understand how they can be in both.
[00:42:27] I just, when I was researching this, I was like, I don't understand how that can be the same thing. Yeah, but cells- Yeah. Are the same when they're just like a tissue and that make you- Cells are the same in a tissue as me. I think you're thinking of atoms. That's what I'm thinking of. Yeah. Atoms. Anyway. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's all bad stuff. And I just think, lads, will you stop putting bad stuff in our stuff? Please. Mm-hmm.
[00:42:54] And what are you wrapping all the vegetables in plastic for just- Oh, I mean that drives me mad. That drives me absolutely mad. I'm like- It doesn't need to be there. Yeah. Why are your kiwis in all those nets? You know? Why are the- They're not gonna fly away. Why are the pairs wrapped in plastic? Yeah, exactly. You don't have to trap your kiwis. No. They're not the actual kiwi birds. Jesus Christ. Now, if you gave me a net full of kiwi birds and duns- Fair play. I mean, I'd be horrified but impressed. Live kiwi birds. Yeah, I don't think I'd want birds.
[00:43:22] If you got a free bird, if you got a bird for free tomorrow, would you keep it? If you got a bird for free tomorrow. That's a good question, Philippa. If you got a given a bird tomorrow, would you keep it? Yeah. I guess it depends what type of bird. Like if someone came up to you with a dead crow- No, no. It has to be alive. Not dead. Okay. If someone brought me like- A chicken. A chicken. A chicken. Would you? Oh, you'd have to. Hello. Well, is it a female chicken?
[00:43:52] Yeah, egg laying. Well, all the male ones get killed instantly. Oh, they do. Yeah, it's pretty dreadful. That is like the number of male chickens that are killed every year. It's like in the billions, isn't it? Yeah, yeah. And they just like conveyor belted into a shredder. Yeah, it's a shredder. Yeah, they just grind them. It's really horrible. Like, oh my God. Anyway. Oh man. Let's ignore that. I think, okay, birds I would keep. Rachel McAdams. A raven. Ooh.
[00:44:22] A raven. Yeah, that's very super smart. I can see you being a keeper of ravens. Yeah, you. I, I, yeah. Just one raven. Just one raven on my desk in school. Like, you know. Yeah, yeah. Oh my God. Just like Maleficent. Would you keep an ostrich? You'd have to. Ostriches are, are mad, uh, violent. Yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah. But that's why, if you had one on your side. Well, that's true. If you had it on your side, that's right.
[00:44:49] I used to love going for walks with Fred and Kea. Oh my God. Fred and Kea were two ostriches that Philippa had, just so you know. In case anyone was wondering. One either side. No, yeah. German Shepherds loved it. My God. Hello. We are just looking after your sheep. Don't mind us. We'll come on the walk with you. My name is Fred and this is Kea. German Shepherds. Yes. Very good. What plastic object is each of us? That's a great way to wrap up the episode. Oh God.
[00:45:18] I can't believe this could possibly have been a whole episode and I'm really sorry. Well, this has been great. This is one of our best. Yeah. This is one of those episodes where Michael and Ornia feel bolstered by the fact that Will can't produce very well. Oh my days. Philippa was on multiple episodes. She was on the PE episode. She was on the pubs episode, reality TV. On the PE episode, was that where you said you weren't a big fan of the word penis? Yeah. I don't know which episode, but I hate that word. Do you remember what word you suggested we replace it with?
[00:45:48] I do. I think it was fob. It was fob. It was fob. And have you continued to use the word fob in daily life? I've never used it in practice. No. Yeah. Because I never say the word that I don't like. When would I need to say it? No, it's been mentioned on this episode a few times, but... Penile was mentioned. That's true. I reckon... I could probably be the original bit of plastic, which was invented in 1907 by Leo Bakerland,
[00:46:17] who was trying to find a cheap substitute for shellac. And do we know what... Shellac? Do we know what shellac is? The nail stuff. Yeah, yeah. But do you know what it is? No. It's a versatile natural resin, and we started the episode with extruded, we'll end it with secreted by the female lac bug. Oh my God, so it's natural. It's sort of natural and then turned into... Turned into plastic, like shellac for the nails, a protective wood finish, an edible glaze slash additive for food and pharmaceuticals,
[00:46:46] and then soak off nail polish. Fabulous. Now did NASA make loads of plastic? Did they invent all sorts of plastics? Must it? I'm gonna say confidently... Yep. Yeah. Loads. So, what sort of plastic are you? Will, are you a floppy disk? Oh my God. That's a very personal question. So obsolete. No, he could never be a floppy disk. I think I'm a crazy bone. Did you guys have crazy bones? They were like little collectible plastic figurines.
[00:47:15] I think that can be the same thing as a floppy disk. Yeah, you're not a useless old thing gathering dust. You're a great little springy... Hey, do you know what is really important in plastics is like medical. If we didn't have plastics, we wouldn't be able to have sterile medical stuff as well and as good. So that is really good. That's true. So Will, Philippa mentioned that you were springy. I actually think you're a plastic slinky. Yeah, lovely. Yeah, fantastic. Because I'm not the best slinky. He's absolutely slinky. Which is the metal one.
[00:47:43] The metal one. Yeah, yeah. What's Philippa then? Philippa is... She's currently looking around the room to see if she can see any plastic. Yeah. It's quite tricky, isn't it? To define one's personality by plastics. Because everything is plastic. I think Hugh is one of those boxes that you buy that are really expensive, that have lids,
[00:48:10] that are clear and when you're moving you're like, I wish I had more of those boxes. Because they're very practical. They're good. And you have them in schools. Reliable. Yeah, I have loads of about... What? Like 30 of them in my classroom. Yeah. There you go. They're fierce, sturdy, they're great. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. And Philippa is... You're a... You're very energetic. Storytelling. You get attacked by dogs and policemen. Is Philippa airpods?
[00:48:39] Yeah. Stylish. A bit waxing. That's way too cool. A lot of entertainment. That's way too cool. Airpods. Yeah. Oh my God. Lads, I'll take that as a huge... And you've got good hearing. A huge, huge compliment. Yeah. So listen lads, this is the end of the episode. Is plastic a legitimate like? Is it worth the hype or should it be banished from the earth forever? I think we're surrounded by plastic right now and it's all very handy.
[00:49:04] Like I like that my mixing desk is light enough to pick up and put down and I like that my shutters close and I like these headphones. But now they can be made from other stuff then stop, stop, stop it now. Stop, stop. So no. It's not... It's a no from Philippa. Hugh? Yeah, I mean like I'm a sucker for anytime there's a game or like a toy or something that's wooden. I'm like, yeah. Oh yeah.
[00:49:33] Nothing like a like scrabble with wooden pieces and like you know, wooden... But then you are also like, but they chopped down trees for this. You know? Well that's the thing. That's bad as well. But guys, they do grow back. Just so you know. They do grow back. Just so you know. Well they do and they don't will, to be honest. You know? No, they grow... Yeah, they do. But wait, yeah, they... You can grow more trees. They do grow back. But not if you get rid of them. Like, but again, clearing the Amazon and all this. Yeah, that's true. I'm pretty sure. Now they probably didn't clear the Amazon to make scrabble.
[00:50:01] Yeah, because I think when they're cutting down trees for paper and things, they do it in a way where you keep regrowing the trees. But when they're cutting down the Amazon, they're like, oh, because we'll make palm oil here and we'll put a... We'll put a data center. A data center or palm oil, yeah. Yeah. Or like, you know, like rapeseed fields where it's not trees anymore. It's like they're using the land for something else. Yeah. Plastic's really useful. If we can replace it with other stuff, great.
[00:50:28] I worry whether they'll come up with other terrible replacements as well. But no, yeah, it's not a legitimate like. We use it, but it's not a legitimate like. It can't be. It's a no. It's a no. It's over. Plastic's done. Yeah. It's a firm no. But you know, when they do be coming up with different things, like it just makes me think of like petrol and I just, I love flying in planes. I love that. I don't want to stop that. So. You don't have to. This isn't like a binding contract. Oh, thank God.
[00:50:58] Just like an entertainment podcast. Just for the fun. Okay, great. Yeah. Have you had fun on the show? I have, I would say been concerned about how boring I am. I think, I don't think that's the case. You do you think it was boring? No, have you been stressed? I would say have you been stressed out by the level of tangentially and lack of organization, but most of that was your fault. Yeah. So hopefully not. It was so my fault. Because then you're adding guilt to stress, which isn't a good combination. Dreaders.
[00:51:28] Dreaders. Well. That's it. That's the end. Thanks for coming on, Philippa. Thanks so much for having me. Don't let it be this long next time. Oh, he became very teacher then, didn't he? Don't let the podcast be this long or don't let the gap between shows. Love from Conor May. Yeah. We'd love to have you back. I'd love, love, love to be back. What subjects would you like come back for? God, what do I love? I love the Coors. The Coors? Yeah. Oh. I love the Coors.
[00:51:57] I love Usher. Mean Girls. Chocolate. I love Mean Girls. I love musical theatre. We haven't done an episode on just chocolate, have we? We've had chocolate bars. We did chocolate bars. We didn't do a chocolate episode. Jesus, you'd have to do something on chocolate. I've... We should have done that today. Have you been back for chocolate? Yeah, why'd you pick plastic? I was joking. Plastic is serious. Chocolate is fucking fantastic. When we did the chocolate bar one, we all brought different chocolate bars and ate them over the episode. That was great. Yeah.
[00:52:27] Hugh, do you want to sing us out? Nope. Okay. Goodbye everybody. I'm going to do something to Legitman like. Share it with a friend. Plastic, plastic. No thanks plastic. Stop being plastic, you big mean things. If there's other options, let's go with them. Thanks so much for coming up with other options. Thanks so much in the meantime for inventing plastic because it's been really nice. But now it seems to go inside of us and it's ruining penile skin. So thanks so much. Hopefully we make some new stuff for the win. Goodbye.
[00:52:57] Bye. I love you. This podcast is part of Pedomity, the UK's Podcast Comedy Network. Why not laugh at what else we've got? Visit Pedomity.com.