Episode 38 (part 2) - Brighton

[00:00:01] Welcome back to Marcel Luconts Whine List, Episode 38, Part 2, recorded in Brighton, England in March 2026. If you are attempting to start the episode here, you are in the wrong place. Go back and listen to Part 1. If you are one of those people who welcomes confusion and chaos into your life, I cannot stop you. Listen to it in any order that you choose.

[00:00:32] So, you enjoyed Part 1? That's not a question. No, you enjoyed Part 1. Is that the cheap dildo woman? Yeah, curse it is. Oh, I could have been at home with my 200 pound dildo, sir. I mean that in terms of money and weight. You're a woman who needs it too much, I feel. Too much.

[00:01:02] So welcome back to Part 2. That's not how I intended to start it, but that's how it started. Let's go to the second wine list of the night. Imported wine. It's the imported wine, your worst overseas experience, Sam. British wine, a circus trying to kidnap me in France. Wonderful start. Okay, where is Sam? Sam? Sam.

[00:01:29] Oh, Sam Sam, the whiskey man. As you will be known for tonight. Okay, what a life. Yeah, so this one I was a child. Oh, pre-whiskey. A long time before. In every sense. Yeah, okay, yeah. The circus trying to kidnap you in France. How hairy were you as a child?

[00:01:57] Or dextrous or acrobatic. Yeah, it was the acrobatics. Yeah, acrobatics. Where was this? This is in Biarritz in France. It's like south, southwest. I know where it fucking is. Tell me my own geography. I wish the circus had kept you to be honest. So, we are it. Yeah.

[00:02:26] Yeah, so I did gymnastics as a child. And I was about 13 years old. And when they did like children's entertainment before and after the show where they got all the kids up and said, oh, you can juggle, you can do things like that. Turns out they were recruiting. Yeah. I was doing some like tumbling and backflips and stuff with some of the other performers.

[00:02:53] And yeah, like the circus master offered to buy me from my parents. And as my memory recalls, my mum actually considered it. What are we talking? I can't remember. So they tried. Okay. Do you think this could have been a possibility? Did you see any of the other performers trying to blink for help? Sending little signals to the crowd. Just help me out here. Just please.

[00:03:22] I'm not meant to be here. I'm not legally here. Yeah, well, it was definitely a very terrifying person with a mustache that was like a little bit too interested in doing like flips together and me standing on his shoulders. I think that picture. Are you reading a little too much into this? You don't think it was part of the act? No, you think genuine kidnappers.

[00:03:52] How many others were there? It was just you or? That's what I say. There's about 10 to 15 of us. And you feel but you feel you are the peak of the... The peak of the group of the bunch. Unfortunately. Oh there. Connie, a British wine. My husband and I were in Portugal making love in the afternoon when the maid ignored the do not disturb sign and came into our room.

[00:04:18] My husband leapt up in alarm, grabbed the sheets and hid himself behind a pillar, leaving me naked on the bed with nothing to cover myself with. Connie, both the maid and I screamed in shock. Superb. Connie, let's see if you are still with the husband tonight. Where is Connie? All about in the dark and... Oh sure, yeah, let's have a bit of light. Just to bring back the... There we go. Lights on. Made in. There we are.

[00:04:48] You are with a man tonight. Is this the man? Oh yeah. Oh voila! The culprit is there. The speed of it as well because there must be milliseconds, seconds from... I've never seen him move so fast. Suggesting it's not the first time. Almost like you are trained in this. Oh, this again. Okay, pow. A pillar as well. Where were you staying? It was a hotel room.

[00:05:18] It just happened to have pillars. He must have had a plan that that was where he would be if anything were to happen. You... Okay. And please tell me you at least went front ways on the pillar, not sideways. Just a little clue dangling in the air for the maid as to what had occurred. That may have been why she screamed. Oh, maybe. Midway through and you are... But this...

[00:05:45] The detail for me is to take the sheets. You knew you were hiding behind the pillar. Surely that makes you more conspicuous. Like a horny ghost. Just hiding behind the pillar. In hindsight, I probably shouldn't have taken the sheets. You're not the opposite of the man who insists on covering a puddle for the lover. As you... You see a puddle. Lay the coat on it. You're the opposite. Just in case the...

[00:06:15] So your lover does not get wet. It was too late for that. And so you... But you whisked the sheets away. It was like a sort of instantaneous decision. I kind of had to... I didn't have long to think. And that was my first thought. Okay. It's like a fight or flight reaction. Yeah. You decided flight and then a fight later with your lover. Both. You chose both. I should have done... But I didn't.

[00:06:44] And so I regret it now. Well, here's a philosophical question. What is the shiverous thing to do in this situation? Do you turn around and cover the lover from sir? Well... Do you continue? No, the pillar... Is that the polite thing to do? The pillar was across the room. The pillar was across the room. The pillar was probably as far as that pillar is. Wow! So we had quite a dash.

[00:07:15] It's impressive. It was quite away from the bed. And so he could... It would have been a terrible situation to be in. To be honest. What did you... Monsieur, let's go back to you. What did you believe this knockout the door was? Well, I didn't think the cleaner would turn up like in the middle of the day. No, so you guessed ninja. Just get the fuck out of here. Yeah, we put the do not disturb sign up as well. The sign was there.

[00:07:45] She disturbed. Well, she was disturbed by the end of it. So it's her own fault in a way. Yeah. Unless... No, not your fault. I don't know. How hard were you going at it? Did you dislodge the do not disturb sign from the door? Were the pillars rattling in that hotel? Well, it's the fact she... She knocked on the door and just came here. She didn't knock on the door and said, is anyone there? Like, you know.

[00:08:15] She just walked straight in and started walking towards us. I don't think she realised what was going on. She walked in with her little trolley, saw a man flee behind a pillar, turned around, saw me completely naked on the bed on my own and was embarrassed for me, I think. And so screamed at the same time that I did, realising what had just happened. And how far into the holiday are we talking? About halfway. Halfway. Halfway. So did you have...

[00:08:43] So you had to see this woman around the hotel? I'm not sure I would recognise what she looked like. She probably would recognise you though, I'm sure. Not with clothes on. Well, yeah, maybe not with clothes on, yeah. That's the trick. And did you say anything? Were you very British about... Did you say anything to the hotel? I was fucking livid. Yeah, not with her though. Not with her. Yeah, I can't blame her for that.

[00:09:12] Monsieur, the applause is not for you. It's all for you, Connie. Sophia, a Cypriot wine, getting threatened by a husband killer in Thailand on the border of Laos. It's complicated. It's complicated, yeah, of course. That's what all people who go to a husband killer say in court. We visited a friend in Conquen and they were bakers and one of them fell in love with my best friend. So they invited us to this village.

[00:09:42] Let's go back a little. So this story is... Okay, no, continue. There's a lot to unpick already in one sentence. They invited us really far away to this beautiful village during Thai New Year. And... But what we didn't realize was the man was actually married to this woman who the family didn't want him to be married to. And they were trying to marry my friend off to this man.

[00:10:09] But the woman was like, I'm not gonna lose my husband. I'm gonna murder you guys instead. So she basically told us this story while driving 100 miles per hour through this Thai forest. And I basically met a prostitute in the village who was the only person who spoke English that helped us get out. More wine for this one. It's a full glass needed for this. All right, carry on.

[00:10:40] And we got out and spent five days in a Bangkok hospital where I tried to beat her up. But I was the only one that didn't have medical attention in Thailand, so I couldn't. Because I was so upset that she put us in this situation. So, who is in the car? So the woman who is... Is she freshly married to this man? Yeah, so she was, but we didn't know that. So basically, we were invited to this village.

[00:11:10] And her husband invited us. Where did you meet this man? She met him at some village in this place called Kon Kien in Thailand. And it was far from...? Yeah, so it took us six hours to get to like the main place that we were gonna then get a car ride for another three hours to this village close to Laos. And then it was such a great idea that two young women in our 20s decided to go...

[00:11:39] So this woman... It's not the same... The man had been married recently. Then moves, I assume, to try and escape the psycho woman. No, they were together. That was the weird part. The weird part was is that her husband was dead. And so everybody was scared about pissing her off because she had murdered her previous husband. So it wasn't a good thing to piss off this woman again. So like, she was telling us basically, I'm married to this man.

[00:12:09] The family doesn't want me to be married to this man, obviously, because she killed her ex-husband, probably. Probably. That's doing a lot of heavy lifting. She said that she murdered the ex. I mean, that was the assumption in the entire village. She didn't say it, but she definitely said she'd murder us if we stuck around. Okay, probably. Yeah, we can assume. Probably then. We can assume it wasn't the right thing to do.

[00:12:35] But the family really wanted us to stay, so we were in this really fucked up situation. Where the family wanted us to stay. Can you come back to the next show? And it can all be just this one wine. This is an entire show. Okay. Let's try and unpick this still. So you end up in there. So you are, you go through the drive with the crazy woman. That was the scariest part because it was 100 miles per hour and there were no roads.

[00:13:04] This was like, this was just the jungle going straight. She's taking you out for your last. And I didn't speak Thai, but she was speaking Thai to my friend. And my friend was just being like, shut the fuck up. She's telling me some crazy shit. And I didn't know what it was. And she just kept driving. As if she was going to drive into a tree. Some things need no words. The language of love and the language of death. Sometimes they need no words. And so you are, so it's just you two. You and the friend. Yes.

[00:13:32] And the crazy murder wife woman. Yes. And she drives you to the, through the woods at crazy speed. And then you end up where? In the husband's parents' house. Which should be a safe place. No, sort of. I mean, the mother turned out in the end. I ended up going and meeting with a prostitute because she was the only woman that spoke English in the village. Okay, that's where she comes in. Yeah.

[00:14:02] And I was like, what do we do? And she's, she found us a bus and gave me a knife. And then at 5am in the morning, I woke up my friend. This story keeps on giving with every sentence. Let's bring in a prostitute. Let's bring in a knife. I was the first and I thought, well now I'm saying it out loud. Yeah. But we got out. We did get out. Thanks to the prostitute. And the mother came, the mother actually came in and was like, yeah, you should leave. Yes.

[00:14:32] Sound advice. Sorry. So you left, the friend left, you escaped with your lives. What happened to the woman? She was detained? She was, they kept her there? No. She stayed married to him because she was willing to fight for it. Yes. To the death. To the death. Nobody was gonna fuck with that woman. Yeah. Do you know, how long ago was this? Gosh, I think about 13 years ago, 14 years ago now. Yeah.

[00:15:02] And do you have any correspondence? Do you know how this story concludes for the guy? Well, my best friend went back, went back to her hometown and married the first man that would marry her in the regular situation. Yeah, why not? What could possibly go wrong? No, because she was just like, I'll never, you know, I don't trust myself. So she, and she's happily married. She's happily married because... Yeah, with two children. Three children now.

[00:15:30] Yeah, because nothing can be worse than that. We don't know what happened to them. I think they just kept baking and then he never got out of that marriage. Because he would probably die if he did. Yeah. And the people of that town started to taste some bizarre meat they had not tried before in the pies. We all got sick though. Yeah, of course you did. I was almost done. You're probably eating human flesh. Yeah. Probably.

[00:16:00] She was scary. She was very scary. Yeah, that's a given. Wow, what a story. And so this, but this was never reported to the police or to the... We just, there was no point. You know, we got out of the situation. I don't think reporting anybody to the police on the border of Laos would have done much for us other than just like highlight us as complete idiots for going out to the middle of nowhere and doing what we did. What do you do in life?

[00:16:29] Because we have two television workers who are very keen to talk to you after the show. I worked in television as well. There we are. When is this Netflix series appearing? Try and get the permission for that one. Good luck signing the contract there. Wow, let's move on. British. I transferred 17 million dollars into the bank account of a Moscow restaurant.

[00:16:57] By mistake, they wouldn't give it back without the Russian police getting involved. Can we get some new notebooks for the television executives? They are running quite low. I blamed it on a bug in the software that I was using. What? It was meant to be 17 dollars. The old decimal point bug.

[00:17:25] It was meant to go to a treasury account. What was the profession? It was Amex. It was my first job. Your first job. Your first job. Your first job. Your first job. Wow. How long did you stay in that job? Longer than my boss. Your boss got the blame. Well, I kept pretty cool about it.

[00:17:53] When you say kept cool, you mean denied any... Denied your involvement in it. I kept a clear conscience, let's say. But my boss took it quite badly and had a nervous breakdown. Well, you know, when this tale appears on the podcast, luckily there's no way to track you down with the company first name and son.

[00:18:27] Can't see this going wrong in any way. Let's move on. Nigel Cole, British wine. Worst overseas experience, Isle of Wight, 1970. Specific. Specific. Nigel. We're in Nigel. Not as popular a name as it used to be. Okay, Nigel. I hate my name. Yes.

[00:18:56] Along with most of them, I don't know. Yeah, there's only one name worse than Nigel, that's Gordon. Gordon is my middle name. Super. Excellent. So. I'm struggling, well... The Isle of Wight. Now, was this... Am I right? Is this a festival? Well, yeah. It's a notorious... I was very young, obviously.

[00:19:22] And my parents took my brothers and I to the Isle of Wight on a caravan holiday. So this was nothing to do with the festival? Well, no. No, but when we woke up on the second morning, we discovered that the Isle of Wight Festival was in the next field. Oh, yeah. And it was the one that Hendrix played at. And I was like eight years old or something. And I had the most fantastic time in those days. You found some drugs in a hedge.

[00:19:52] Well, almost. This is pre-fences, pre-tickets. You just kind of wandered in and wandered around the naked hippies. And as an eight-year-old boy, this was about holiday. What a welcome to life and all of its splendours. Yeah. But unfortunately, all five of us crammed in this tiny caravan all got terrible food poisoning.

[00:20:20] What, the catering was not up to scratch for that festival? Well, it really wasn't. And my... Well, the punchline of the story is that my parents divorced a few weeks after we got back. It was such a grim holiday for them. But so it was the yin and yang of it. They had the worst time ever. And I had the best time ever. And so there were five of you, you say.

[00:20:49] So you had two siblings as well? Yes. How old were the brothers? They were younger. They were six or something. So you were the eldest child. Yeah. Age eight. Age eight. Leading the charge into the hippie drug festival. Yeah. I can remember everything about it. Yeah, I bet you can. Particularly the naked hippies. Yeah. I was hoping you'd pick my first one. It's a much better story. Oh, it was the first one.

[00:21:19] You can't just leave it hanging there. Well, I think I was about to pick that one. I nearly killed Julia Roberts. Sure, let's go with that. Okay. Age eight. No, this is very much later. Just off your tits on mushrooms. Yeah. How did you know? Let's go with that. Sure, let's bring it back. I'm afraid I'm another. Because there are only three professions here, I think.

[00:21:47] Medical, teacher, or television. Television, yeah. And you, all three. I was television. And I was making a documentary with Julia Roberts in Borneo. Okay. In the jungle. Oh, so this still counts as an overseas experience. Whatever. I like that you chose Isle of Wight over Borneo. Yeah, I know. And it was a series that I did where we took movie stars to do kind of wildlife films and

[00:22:16] explore foreign countries. And she got taken hostage by a male orangutan. This show has everything tonight. He kept her hostage for over an hour. I wouldn't let her go. What are his demands? This is, oh, wow. Interesting. We assume bananas, but not necessarily. No, you're exactly right.

[00:22:45] We did offer him bananas. And he sort of looked at us and went, this is Julia Roberts. And you're offering me bananas. Yeah, it seems, you know, offensive in a way. But you try and offer it cash. It's just got to eat it or wipe its ass with it. So everybody loses. This is the year after the film Notting Hill. So she's the biggest star in the world. And I'm standing there going, this is the end of my career. And hers. And hers.

[00:23:15] But what an obituary. Oh, yeah. And the documentary cameraman, being professional, kept filming. Yeah. So we had the whole thing. I thought. That's a DVD extra. Yeah, at least. You only need to see. I thought I'd been incredibly brave and calm and rather masterful. Well, unfortunately, the rushes showed an entirely different story. You could see me panicking.

[00:23:45] Running off into the jungle. Yes. And I'll never forget it. His name was Kasasi. The orangutan. The orangutan. Yeah. I thought you meant the cameraman. But sure. Let me just drop him in it. That's true. The orangutan, of course. I found out later that this particular male orangutan, who was very scary and solitary creatures, had... We were staying in a camp that kind of studied orangutans. And, um...

[00:24:15] Is Julia Roberts a redhead? Yeah. Okay. Good pick. And it turned out that this particular orangutan had tried to rape the human female cook in the camp for months before. Okay. Um... Well, yeah, but they're... You still gave this guy airtime. Yeah. It's a shitty profession. It's rife. Uh... They're 98.7% identical to us in the genes, so...

[00:24:44] You know, um... But, uh... Julia Roberts live. Did Julia Roberts... Did you just ask, did Julia Roberts live? I think we'd have heard about this if she did not. We replaced her with, uh... Yeah, Julia Roberts. It's a conspiracy theory. Julia Roberts has been replaced by a clone. Yes. By an orangutan. No, so how did you plead with the orangutan? What... How did you get Julia Roberts back? Well, um... Eventually, um... Uh... Because, you know, they have four hands.

[00:25:14] They're feet of hands. So every time he'd let go, you know, we'd try and grab her. But, um... He was clinging on by his feet. The prehensile feet. Yeah, the prehensile feet, yeah. Eventually, uh... We got him interested in, uh... A 35mm camera, a stills camera that I had. And, uh... He was very intrigued by this. We went and put the camera on the other side of the clearing. And eventually he got off and went to have a look. And, uh... We grabbed her.

[00:25:41] And I ran her down the path into the... Back into the village. Found a hut. And threw her in. And jumped in myself. And then barricaded the door. And he came and shook the hut. Like King Kong. Yeah. So his filmmaking days were limited. I... He showed no interest in the camera you offered to him. He still writes to me, going... Yeah, of course. Do you have any other parts?

[00:26:12] You know, I... Um... I... I assume this was going to... And he began... He went on to be lead cameraman for King Kong. Yes. Um... But, um... The thing I want to say is that she was brilliant about it. I thought, okay, this is the end of the job. The end of my career. We're on a plane home tomorrow. Six-week shoot. This is the first week. And instead she just went, wow. Incredible. And, uh... You know, I came to have an experience.

[00:26:41] And there it was. And, um... And she had these incredible wheels. You know, kind of marks on her neck. Where he was... At one point she was screaming. He's choking me. I can't breathe. Has this... Has she ever told this story? No, um... Feels like it's her story to tell. Oh, great. But yet here we are. Discovering it for the first time. I think you're right. Um, but yes. It's a slightly better story than that. Sure.

[00:27:12] We're all learning things tonight. Let's go to the third wine list of the night. Let's do this. It's the fruity wines. As if tonight has not been fruity enough. Let's see what's the first one. Here we are. Olivia is back. Thought I'd try a Hollywood wax for the first time ever before a date. Ended up having an allergic reaction.

[00:27:38] So ended up in A and E with IV steroids. Sure. The Hollywood wax. This is the... This is the nothing at all. So, Olivia. Bonsoir. Bonsoir. Bonsoir encore. Vous êtes ici avec la famille? Je crois que oui, hein? Oui. Oui. There we go. The family sat right next to you. So we are all hearing this for the first time. And probably them as well.

[00:28:09] So, uh... The allergic reaction. Who was doing it? An orangutan? You see Parler that I won't recommend. Clearly. I mean, to be honest, I'm surprised more people don't have an allergic reaction to every single pube on their body being ripped from between their legs. Seems the sort of thing most people should have an allergic reaction to. It's that, right?

[00:28:39] It's nothing. It's the... Well, because... It's bizarre, because in Hollywood... I've played the shows in Los Angeles. Most women, they have the little line of hair. The bizarre line. I don't... Yeah, no, is that... Airstrip. Airstrip. Yeah, exactly. That's why I think it's the American design. American man, he needs guidance. He will still miss.

[00:29:11] Get the wrong target. He will call it friendly fire. But he won't be so friendly in the morning. And so did you have to tell the date? This is why. This was the reason. I didn't tell him exactly why. I just said I had an unfortunate allergic reaction. But... And did you continue the date another time?

[00:29:38] We've had to rearrange the clothes, but... Apparently, maybe on Saturday. So we'll see. This is a fresh wine. Oh. How long ago are we talking? Two weeks. Two weeks. Yeah, give me time to heal. Probably for the best. Sam, British wine, went for a massage that was not supposed to be an amorous encounter.

[00:30:07] But an actual massage. I only found out there were potential amorous intentions. When the masseuse asked at the end. Please tell me it's the same Sam. Same Sam. But you again. I really regret putting three. Well, if it makes it any better, we don't. So, where was this? This was in Brighton. In Brighton. Okay.

[00:30:37] Again, people are taking notes. Are you going to name names? So, yeah. So, this is down just as you walk down the... Down towards Hove from Brighton. Quite near the seafront. Okay. So, yeah. It was supposed to be an hour long. This happened around midpoint. And, yeah. I was quite naive. Did you have a midpoint? Was that what I loved to do? I should have left five minutes into it.

[00:31:06] Because, yeah. So, I had a bad back. I desperately needed a massage. And so, I just went to the... It turns out it's really hard to get a massage appointment on the day. So, the first red flag I should have listened to was that this one was instantly available. And then... So, here for a quick in and out. That's our speciality. Okay. Yeah. If they have an appointment, then and there. Okay. Yeah.

[00:31:36] And then the second red flag I didn't listen to was when... So, I took my clothes off but kept my underwear on. And she was like, would you like to remove those? This was the second massage I'd ever had. And, you know, I didn't really know what the etiquette was. So, I was kind of just being over polite. And I was just like, okay. Maybe... Maybe I should. So, I did. You want to be polite in this situation. Sure. Yeah. Yeah.

[00:32:06] Yeah. And then the third red flag was when it was just... Cold baby oil. And no towel was covering me for when it started when I was on my front. And, yeah. The end of it was when she asked me to turn over and propositioned me. And then I politely declined and left very, very swiftly. Did you still pay?

[00:32:36] Oh, yeah. That was actually another red flag which was like, give us all the cash up front. Oh, of course. Yeah. It's not the most erotic sounding. Just to... Yeah. Just the equivalent of drizzle. Just spitting a bit of cold baby oil onto the body. She also kind of like mopped up off the back with blue roll as well. With the blue roll, did you say? Yeah, yeah. Blue roll. Like a kitchen spillage. Yeah. Yeah. Fuck.

[00:33:05] Well, I assume you want in the least bit turned on at least at this point. That's... Shit. Absolutely. At least set the mood. At least light the candle. At least a bit of mood music. Yeah. Do you want it now? No, not really. No, you just practically spat on my back. Wiped me off like a shitty kitchen surface. It's not a happy ending. It's just a tragic ending.

[00:33:32] Lynn, British wine, dated someone who I found out via a Google search was a leave campaign stuffer. What? Oh, yeah. Cardinal scene in Brighton. Where is Lynn? Where is Lynn? All of the things that have been addressed tonight and admitted to. She does not. Oh, that was the one that left. Oh, the irony.

[00:34:01] She did not even remain. As I say, sometimes it writes itself. Harriet Lennon. Dual nationality, UK and New Zealand. Worst amorous encounter. Breaking up with a boyfriend in a bath. Their bath or your bath? My bath. Your bath. And who did the breaking up? I did.

[00:34:28] So at least you got to stay in the bath for the rest of the time. He went home soon after. Well, sure. I said he could stay for the weekend. You can stay in the bath with a woman who no longer wants to see you in the nude. What an offer. He'd come down on the train. Did you throw a bit of baby oil on his back as he left?

[00:34:58] Some toilet tissue there if you need to mop it up. Shit. And did he... Was he expecting it? No, I don't think so. I don't think so. He was in the bath. Exactly. We were both in the bath. That's... No, we assume that. To be honest, if you just say, I'm going for a bath, you stay there. That's a red flag straight away. That's... So how long together? Uh, two years.

[00:35:28] A two-year relationship? And he thinks he's having a bath with a woman of his life? Did the maid come in at any rate? So when was it? When did you realize? Was it mid-bath? Was it something he did? Did he shit in the bath? Was it during the bath you realized, this is not the man for me? This is not the man. But you did not know before you got in the bath.

[00:35:57] This isn't as much fun as it looks, holding a microphone. No, well, to 99% of the audience it is, but... It's always that 1% not enjoying it. I liked him, I didn't love him. You liked him, but you liked him enough to share a bath. He was good looking, he was a nice guy. Great, so you wanted one more look at the dick. That will do. Oh, off you fuck.

[00:36:28] Cold. Very cold. Claire Stutely, European. Once I was very drunk in London, and my friend, who I never saw again, shoved me in a bus to Victoria. I was the last one off, and before alighting, I snogged the bus driver. He was keen and gave me his number, but I never phoned him. Claire. I mean, shoved me in a bus driver.

[00:36:56] This is one of the most thankless jobs on the planet. A night bus driver. Surely this was his greatest day at work. Oh, it wasn't even at night. It was... Why would I assume that? Wow, Britain, you never cease to amaze you. Sure. So in broad daylight.

[00:37:27] And so you... But sure... So... Oh, he... He gave you the number. Are you never phoning? No. But surely this was a local bus route. You had to see him again, huh? No, because I lived in Brighton at the time. Oh. So I'd gone to a bar with a friend, and another friend was supposed to come, and the guy at the bar bought six champagne cocktails, but then my other friend never turned up, so I drank them all.

[00:37:58] That's where it leads you. Was it champagne? Yeah, he wasn't the one who shoved me onto the bus. Was it actual champagne? Pardon? No, it's okay. It's probably... Fizzy piss. Go on. It's proper, proper cocktails. That's why I wouldn't waste them. Continue. So, yes, the... And then, yeah, and then I went to meet the other friend in a tea shop, and I was so drunk when I came out of the bar, I had to get a taxi there, and it was literally around the corner.

[00:38:28] And then she was very fed up with me, because I was very drunk, and she was very sad, because her mother, who was an alcoholic, had just died, and she was really anti-drinking at the time. Yes. Some would argue that's not the way to go and greet that friend. Yeah. Maybe I was a terrible friend. Well, not to the bus driver.

[00:38:56] And did you clock the guy on the way in? You say, yeah, I know how this is going to end, you know? No, I can't... I don't even know why it happened. He was quite nice looking, though, the bus driver. He was a young... Yeah, he was quite young. That's quite young. Okay. How long ago? 15 years ago. 15 years ago. Yeah. We have this image of the man driving the route around London, waiting for the day you appear again. Broken heart.

[00:39:27] Just to... Don't ah at me. Not the one that did it. Is that your type? The bus driver? No. No, no, no. No, not my type, actually. Otherwise, I'd have phoned him. Yeah. Yeah. They never come on time. That was that for the wine list tonight. I'm well aware we have overrun to absolute fuck.

[00:39:57] You have got your money's worth tonight. Too many good wines tonight, Breton. Fuck. Yeah. No, c'est bon. Not a bus. Are you sure? Okay. The train driver is usually at the front. Sometimes at the back. Make sure you check.

[00:40:21] So, I'd like to award a little gift to the person who has entertained me the most. And look, Sam has made an appearance in every section. So you would think it would go to him. But actually, no. Did Sam ever rescue Julia Roberts from an orangutan? Did he fuck? It's going to Nigel. What a tale.

[00:40:52] There you are. I just feel sorry for the name, if nothing else. There will be an after party. Of course, we are all going to cycle up the M23. Stopping off at every late night massage parlor. On the way. See what occurs. There will be someone handing out 100 dildos on the door on the way out. But I know there's more than that in the crowd. You will just have to share.

[00:41:24] I mean, look, if you don't want to cycle, there will be a replacement bus service. Payment in kind. But that was it for tonight's very unique wine list. I've been Marcel Lucan. You have been you. I will see you next time, Brighton. À la prochaine.

[00:41:46] That was Marcel Lucan's Wine List, recorded at the Forge Comedy Club in Brighton in March 2026. Bravo for listening. The show was produced by Tarquin Gotch and Alexis Dubus. Music by Laurence Owen. Rob Sedgbeer made the technology go. To find out where the next live show will be, visit marcellucan.com.

[00:42:16] While you are there, why not sign up for the Marcel Missive newsletter. À la prochaine. I know what you are thinking right now. How do I assuage the guilt I am feeling for getting this weekly excellence for free? I have two suggestions. Why not pay money to come along to a live show or purchase something from the Marcel merchandise shop.

[00:42:44] Studio albums, live albums, poetic bookmarks and anti-wine-in-a-can fridge magnets. Go to marcellucan.bandcamp.com for those and marcellucan.com for the live dates. Together, let's keep capitalism alive.