EP 6: FIVE LASHES OF THE CANE

[00:00:01] House of Fear presents, Ramon Fear's terror tapes, tonight's episode 5 Lashes of the Kane. School, it's not all perverts, and not all perverts as school. That's why churches exist. Anyway, hello. You join me in the comfort of my territory for us. See it is one finale. That's right, one.

[00:00:38] I'm optimistic. Like Waterloo Road, I've drained the well dry. Tell me other side of my house. Now for those of you who are educated, let me ask the question your charisma and vice and never had the balls to ask. Ooh, would you say, a now? But how why?

[00:01:02] Not why, who? Really? But they're so young. Do you even know what Vupasiders? I digress. Let's answer my initial question now. By not answering it. Hmm. Saved by the bell. Where's the fucking bell? But it's too late now. Dorothy, Herming's high.

[00:01:39] Doesn't look like a place has changed much in 15 years. Come on, Hilda. We're going to be late to be fashionably late. Coming! Okay. It's just get this over with. I feel like we're gonna die.

[00:02:01] So, when it gives me great pleasure to welcome back all our former students into the halls of Dorothy, Herming's high. Please grab yourself a drink. We won't tell. And enjoy the evening. Cheers! And no running in the halls. Just kidding. They have an exactly revamped place, have they?

[00:02:35] No. Isn't that a glass window you smashed in year 10, Angie? Yeah. I think it was. God wouldn't approve it, that. Okay. Let's just get the God jokes out the way. I'm sorry, but who would have thought the girl who is essentially schooled jock within it becoming a nun?

[00:02:54] It's nuts. It's for the better. I was a shitter school. We all were. I speak for yourself, Victor. I've no regrets. School was great. I'm tempted to spite the punch again for all time, so. Hmm. You're such a bad boy, Chris.

[00:03:09] Oh, I thought that was what you liked about me. I didn't say it wasn't. Hmm. God maybe I should have stayed home. Hey, hey, can! Hold her, Chris. Linda, Angie. It's me, Carlo. Oh, you got it pretty quickly, Carlo. Then I only started 10 minutes ago.

[00:03:27] Oh, I got, thanks. We were okay, man. It was the best way to enjoy these things. Angie, you're in bed with God now. Oh, okay. I'm just a nun. Oh, well, I was supposed to do for all those times. You're bugged me when we were 13.

[00:03:44] I am sorry I picked on you, Carlo. Hey, by God's right. Chris, what are you doing these days? Going through a nice, fat divorce. Thanks for asking, Carlo. Oh, that's a shame. I'm going to look so happy about it. Who me? No, of course. It's very tragic.

[00:04:03] Back at Dorothy Hemings after all this time. Still got lunch, lady Doris. Mr. Go back. Mr. Go bar, you mean? Oh, go bar. Go bar. Go bar. Go bar. Such a twat, gladi-left. He took out sex education. Until Miss N'Achente brought it back. Oh, Miss N'Achente.

[00:04:25] She was born. My ears are burning. I'm Miss N'Achente. Hilda, how lovely you see you all and Chris. I hope you'll keep it out of this, too. Always Miss N'Achente. Right. Thousands would believe you. Hmm. Still teaching social studies? Always. A teacher's work is never done.

[00:04:49] I mean, I should know. I thought you'd not... Enjoy your union. I'm Miss N'Achente. I'm Miss N'Achente. I'm Miss N'Achente. I always liked her. Everyone liked her. And she liked everyone. Oh, and don't forget Miss Disquakes. No, Miss Disquakes. Oh, God. Miss Disquakes. Yeah, yeah, you remember.

[00:05:16] With the leather gloves. Always wore black. She looked like a man from the back. Yeah, cultivated rare flowers. That's it and collected all those dolls. Yeah, and just you had all those runes, stones in the glass cabinet. With the hearts? That was it. One daughter she's doing now.

[00:05:32] She was in a house fire. But they never found the body. Oh, come on. That's probably because it's all boxed. Oh, sorry. God had taken this. Is it Jesus returning your calls after three days? Oh, oh. But we'll be right back, Hilda.

[00:05:56] Linda and I are just going to... I have a proper catchup. Yeah. Stop all guys. Yeah, we'll be back in five. Five? Are we doing it twice? Yes, yes. Yeah, you remember. So Hilda, you married? No. Hmm, that's a shame. Why is that? Oh, my eye.

[00:06:26] I got a go. Okay. Oh, sorry, mate. Yes, I know. God's sake. It's one night. Can't you just let me have a bit of fun? I... Oh, to hell with you then. Hello? I spy the number of the clues. Chris, is that you?

[00:07:25] You left the tap on me. The courage is so waste. I'm just doing this, I spy the number of the clues. I'm just doing this, I'm just doing this. Oh, screw you. No, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no.

[00:08:10] I love the... I... Angie? Angie? Welcome to your dad. What the... Mr. Squeak! He doesn't touch your mind. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Your friend left you Hilda? Yeah, nothing changes. 15 years old and I could still happily kill those little heads. Jesus, right. Carlos. Stand back. Call an ambulance.

[00:09:11] Does anyone know first aid? I do! Oh, Mr. Chente. Go grab the first aid kit from the staff room. Hi, Monit! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Angie, Chris and Linda, we need to call the police. Absolutely.

[00:09:27] David, do you have a moment? When there's a body on the floor, I have two. Moments, not bodies. Uh, what? Have you met Inspector Jason? Inspector David Jason. Not that one. You got here quickly. I used to go to this school.

[00:09:45] Wait, are you the David Jason that got committed for burning down the science block? I was a kid. Anyway, I got let out of little bedland for good behavior. Isn't that a prison thing? Who are you my probation officer? I'm better now. And someone has been murdered.

[00:10:05] How can you tell? Seriously? Look at the angle of the fall. This tear in his clothing also, the knife in his back. And he has no hands or eyes. I mean, yeah, that's kind of often. And I miss certain his head has been removed.

[00:10:22] I'm sorry, were you in our year? Well, that depends on what? Do you think you can solve this murder before another one dies? I mean, it could just be an isolated killing. You can't spell isolated without late. As in another person will be late. As it did.

[00:10:41] Oh, right. I'm going to go. Stay where you are. No one is to leave. This place is a crime scene now. Okay, everyone. We've all seen the body. It is real. Don't worry. We've got Inspector Jason here. We're pretty sure no one else is going to die.

[00:11:04] Tonight we'll be an orgy of death. But just in case, we're asking that everyone stays in this sports hall. We're sorry about the flickering lie to the broken door to the basement and the charts of glass everywhere. If anyone seen Carlos hands,

[00:11:25] just hand it to give them to a member of staff at all. Lost property. Anyway, let's not let this dampen our spirits. The DJ will continue. Yes, you will. Enjoy the punch. Cheers. So what do we do now Inspector? We interview every single person here. Starting with.

[00:11:56] Hilder Campbell. When she goes. Oh shit. Well, shall we supping that punch of our own mortality soon enough? I'm sure she'll be fine. Just with the rats now. DJ! Smoking in doors. What would Mr. Squeak say? Creepy fucker. Good, there's not good any worse.

[00:12:42] Honestly, ever and in this school could just get fucked. Oh, I will not. I know how much I've wanted this. Doing it with a bend for you always meant to. He's like a normal human. I'm not fucking egg. Oh, come on.

[00:13:05] I've nearly reached the end of the tracks. Did you hear that? The coffee's nearly done! That sound. Someone's there. Maybe it's Mr. Squeak. Shut up. Some purpose spying on us. Oh, come on babe. It starts nearly on the track. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

[00:13:35] What the fuck Chris? This is a porno. Oh. God, no wonder you're awake the first year. Six, six, seven, seven, eight. All right. All right. And your certain you're not the killer. Um, Inspector, there's no one there. When murder is concerned, there's always someone there.

[00:14:10] Oh, it just doesn't make sense. Why would someone target a local school reunion? I remember having read a little book quite some time ago on folklore. I think the title was The Modern Ghost, Kettles, and The Black Legends of Today. Um, well that's great.

[00:14:35] We should see if the library is a copy of it. It worked. Fortunately, I have my own copy here. Why? I never leave home without it. Or water shipped down. One in each pocket. Hang on. Which one of you fuckers took my water shipped down?

[00:14:54] This is now an investigation. Everyone line up! Why do I wear these shoes? That was shit. I'm so sorry. Who showed yourself? What are you waiting for? What? I actually have studied. Crab's a cigar. Okay, so just don't. Oh. Hiding in the library, are we? Very original. Hello?

[00:15:38] Okay, okay guys, this isn't funny anymore. Jesus, stop being such a dick. Fucking prick truss. Tart. Fow mouth. Fow mind, hilder. You'll notice school anymore. Missing a chente. What are you doing here? I thought you'd go to get help.

[00:16:12] I'd already helped enough by taking those little weasels out of the picture. Wait. What? I knew seeing your faces again would be trouble. That fake nun that drunk rat and there's two self-centered high school cliches. Missing a chente, it was you. You killed Carla. Clevver little hilder.

[00:16:36] Thinking she's above everyone. Where are the others? They're right here. Say hello again. They're dead. Oh my god. Shoulders, nizzentos, nizzentos. And nizzentos. Woo! And eyes and ears and mouth and nose. All hugging from a rope in a row, nizzentos. Yeah. What if you don't do them? What?

[00:17:14] Isn't it obvious? I've cut off their heads and lids. And I'm displayed in the library, which is where we are. Okay. I... I... Oh no, shush! Stop that really. Oh no, no, no. Don't get upset. You're never really friends. Oh, little bullshit sarcastic hilder. Never happy.

[00:17:37] We've learnt nothing. It's all bullshit. The toilet rolls too smooth. What the... When did I say that? This place never changes. You're the one that never changes. Hmm. When I talked to you, all those years ago, you were just a horrible bunch of not a little self-obsessed bruts.

[00:17:57] You never listened! You... You never tried! I mean, you could've opened bread. But you killed a you, most of all. Tonight, I knew there was only one way to allow the last achieve your full potential. And that was to kill you all. That was your go-to? Yes!

[00:18:31] And poor Mr. Squeaks. Oh, she had to go to Rome and become a dance teacher. And then she had to self. And it was all your fault! I mean, that's a stretch. Was it your time? And Ms. Fennish was her name. Not that you bothered to learn it.

[00:18:49] Ms. Fennish. So she was a bit masculine. More leather, collective flowers, and had a McCall. Like 70 century mannequin dolls, but she was our brilliant ETT-cher. She made art with a retractable knife! Just like I've done! Oh, oh my god, you killed them all every single one of my...

[00:19:13] Oh, oh, oh, oh, you know, you know, yes. Yeah, okay. But you, you are insane in a gender. You won't get away with this. I know that you stupid bitch! I fully intend to give myself a love. But you all have to die first.

[00:19:30] Honestly, you don't buy a box of biscuits with one missing. Oh, you can't laugh your dead. It will be a shame to leave this place. I will say that. Principal Craig Gouba! Oh, Gouba! Oh, it's not... It doesn't work. Let's fail to anywhere. The dead!

[00:19:51] It is a shame he died in that house fire I started. And that weird inspector with his books! Oh, do you want a copy of water ship down? Oh, bury it with you! I've been in a library. I could literally pick anything else. Nobody likes a smart-ass Campbell.

[00:20:09] Damn, to die! No, wait, wait, wait, wait. You were everyone's favorite teacher. I thought you liked us. Ever heard of the phrase, keep your friends close and your enemy's closer. Yes? Ever heard of the phrase, better than ever you know. Yes?

[00:20:25] Ever heard of the phrase, never let a blind man blink at traffic! No? Exactly! Maybe you should have stayed here. Oh, milder. Oh, man, I fucking hate this place. Oh, just no! Oh, no! There we go! Piece of shipper truck for knife! Shoulder brought the sabbatia!

[00:20:56] Or a cleaver. Or a genius tool that would have done the trick. Oh, well. Everyone in single file, keep together, feel free to take your drinks with you. God what a waste that was. This is totally true. Has it been an hour, Brinnis? I don't think so.

[00:21:17] Oh, yeah. No where to be found. The killer? No, my book. Brinnis more Craig. Missing a chance. Thank God you're all right. Builder and her friends are missing. Yes, I know. Do you have movement? I've done something a little unusual. This way. What's this then?

[00:21:43] I guess this is one mystery that will remain unsolved. Fucking hell! And there we have it. Prove that nothing we ever learned is ever of any use. And as for school, maybe you were like me, all sex and fountain pens, especially fountain pens. I was home schooled.

[00:22:14] There were no fountain pens or walls. Arthur, I thought you were banned. Just on the run, I've been hiding out in one of Languages new Bangalores. What? Bangalores from Languages. I don't know what you're talking about.

[00:22:33] Are you sick of the sound of the arch's theme every time you go camping? Well, you'll never hear it again. With... Languages, Bangalores. That tent is moving. Bangalores! When you want the risk, but not the cost. It's so dank. It's so dark. I hate it. Bangalores!

[00:22:59] Because this is camping. For God's sake, trap yourselves down quick. One use and only one use. Oh, you think the result of... Bangalores! They started 99, 99, 99. Oh, God is everywhere! So get back to nature and come inside Languages, Bangalores. Set the bar low with a Bangalore!

[00:23:30] Always be the label if you can find it. When nothing else could fill the void, Choose Languages, no stay no gain! I'll take a coffin. Let's sort it. More and more, but... And that you horrible bastards is where I leave you, Riding in your own... FECKERNTS!

[00:23:59] Like throwing nails at pigs. It's been a lot of fun. But I'm remarkably very... ...I'll... ...but I choose to rest now. Let yourself out. The sandwiches are on the side and the gimp's in the box. One of them is past their cell by date. And the others... ...did.

[00:24:17] Before I go... ...I've won last treat to see how very first series... ...just enough time for another dose of fear. In your ear... ...you'd say... ...a... ...a... ...a... ...no! ...a... ...a... ...that's a wrong vibe. I can get it right. ...a... ...a... ...a... ...a... ...a... ...a... ...a... ...a...

[00:25:02] ...now that... ...coming soon from house of fear pictures. Muts! No one saw it coming. No one saw them coming. And now it's too late. Because... ...muts are... ...ear. Michael... ...don't... ...don't... ...don't... ...someone let the dogs out. No one was ready for it. ...except for one man. ...a... ...over...

[00:25:43] ...down. Oh my god, it's past your in-quark. He's back. He's...he's back. It's... ...is past your in-quark everyone. Muts! He looks like a dog's dinner. That's because he... ...was a dog's dinner. Well, some lumb suddenly in the dog house. It's that damn linear accelerator.

[00:26:05] I'm telling you something is wrong with his own shepherd. You're imagining things, Helen. There's nothing. Oh my god, the German shepherd is killing me! Muts! I'm being eaten! I'm being eaten! I think someone... ...need a muscle. It's past your in-quark. Get strobe-strone in the past your in-quark.

[00:26:33] The fearless hero in the face of fangs at her. We don't see face about killing his enemies. I guess I'm more of a... ...get person. A terrifying tale of dero-weight derriots. I'd say you're barking up the wrong. Me. Well, someone, certainly, got laid off the lead. Roscaneta.

[00:26:59] These puppies are really with bullets. That's not my wops, things that I... ...have heard the dog's parlacks, but... ...this is ridiculous. In gender aviels, doggy directorial debut. They've seen life so bitch. And then you die. Luts! The story of the day man's best friend became... ...man's worst friend.

[00:27:29] Every dog has its day, huh? Not today. Well, someone certainly just shot a whole bunch of dogs. Months. Coming soon to a cinema near you. Will you be ready for it? Will you? Good boy. You have been listening to Ramon Fierz channel tapes. Hosted by Ramon Fierz.

[00:28:04] Obituaries for the following cast members. Harry Hayes. Tom Crowley. Lucy Farritt. Beth Herr. Will Seabag Montipiori. Richard Reichroft. With special guests. David Reed. And Carrie Howard. Additional voices by Alex Lynch. Odin Orn Hillmarson. And Sam Thomas. All Ulogies created and described by Alex Lynch and Sam Thomas.

[00:28:43] Music and organ grinding by Odin Orn Hillmarson. Production and post-mortem assembly. Handled with care by Alex Lynch and Odin Orn Hillmarson. With Odin Orn Hillmarson conducting the final service. And the funeral director. Alexander Morris. This has been a House of Fear production. For more, go to RamonFierz.com.

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