Bed Bugs & Water Companies

[00:00:00] Hello, I'm Steve N Allen and welcome to Steve N Allen Almost Daily. Hello, welcome to a podcast that gets you a quick hit on the news. Normally we don't do on a Sunday, but yet again I find myself in the shed. So why not? Do you know what I mean? I can pump some news in your general direction, like a review of the week. I think this week is best summed up through music.

[00:00:22] We've had a lovely week now, we had a little chance to find out that the government can make us poo our pants. I don't know if that was your response to receiving very loud text message from the government. It was for me. There's two different notes in the tone that the phones can make. That's why it sits so badly. It's two notes that are not in tune with each other. Very much like my singing just there. You're up to date. Let's take a look at your front pages.

[00:00:52] The Sun on Sunday, EastEnders Shane's divorce. Yeah, no I got nothing on that. And I'll tell you why I got nothing on that. I am neither Shane Ritchie nor am I his wife, although she looks familiar. I mean it's not going to be like, it looks familiar. Oh my god it is me. No I'm sure. Shane Ritchie has divorced after his wife grew fed up with his behaviour. The Alfie Moon actor, 62, and Christine, 47, are understood to have dissolved their 19 year marriage last month.

[00:01:21] Days before his drink drive arrest. An Aranta at a petrol station. Well no, that one's actually more understandable. £1.50 a litre. That one gets me every time, but the rest of it I've not done. So we'll leave them alone. None of our business. The front page of the Times. British drones strike targets inside Russia. I mean the worry is it means Russia might retaliate by starting to, what's the phrase we use? Sabre rattle.

[00:01:49] They've kind of already been doing that though. Every couple of weeks there's some Russian plane flies over or they have a good old little sniff of our internet cables. So it feels like we've already, already got that. The Sunday Telegraph goes with make the most of your inherited wardrobe. No thanks. The, listen I had two older sisters growing up. Hand-me-downs were challenging. And also these days would probably get me back on the BBC.

[00:02:19] The water firms to charge more in droughts. Ah, the old surge. Surge demand. At a time when the water companies are doing their least good work. When they're offering you the least of the service. That's when they'll charge you more. Can I just opt out of needing water? Can someone look into, have we tried like other compounds? Like sulfur dioxide? Is that as good as oxygen dioxide? Can anyone have a look at, not oxide. Mono, di, di, oh. I think I need to hand back that degree in chemistry.

[00:02:50] Ox, mono, oxygen, di, hydrogen. Oh, di-hydrogen monoxide? H2O. HSO. No, that's the train. No, that's the other one. Do you know what? We're backing out. Front page of the Daily Mail. Or Mail on Sunday. Burnham BBQ phone alert sparks chaos. The latest update on this, which I didn't know, is that, you're aware, we all got text messages. It's a big joke. It's not even a text message. It's like an ehh alert. A text message would have been fine, because you can ignore those.

[00:03:20] And some people have now turned off this system. Because we received a very angry memo about the weather and barbecues, people have now turned off the alert that would say, the aliens have arrived, tape up your bums, they're probing. You're going to miss that now. However, the funniest bit is in Wales, where they sent out the message in Welsh first. Because I bet they, you know what it's like. There'll be some pressure group giving it the old complaining. And they, ehh.

[00:03:49] However, don't you feel sorry for people who live in Wales who don't speak Welsh? And there are, you know, many. It's not just having a crack at hating the English. There are Welsh people who don't speak Welsh who would have received a message, ehh, and just a page of nonsense from their point of view. Like bad teletext. And it would be understandable if they thought to themselves, we've declared independence. Because that's what would happen if Wales go independence. Oh, they're only flipping declared independence. I better get across that bridge before it's too late.

[00:04:18] So, um, phone theft Britain is the front page of the Daily Star. Which actually, 230 mobile phones stolen a day. And I hope all of them went meee at the criminals. See how they're like them apples. Not that all of the phones are apples. And the Sunday mirror. Happy as Harry. Kane gets into a swing on, Harry Kane's had a holiday everyone. For a minute there, you thought Shane Ritchie getting divorced was news that you didn't need to know. Harry Kane's had a holiday.

[00:04:45] The Sunday Express triple lock is vital to ward off pensioner poverty. Yes, this is the Daily Express which makes most of its money by, hang on, selling itself for £2.40, is that? On the weekend? I'll zoom in. Let's find out. I know there's the one on Sundays. £3.80? That's shocking for two reasons. One, that's expensive for a newspaper. Two, my eyesight was bad if I thought that was £2.40. It must have seen me coming, which is more than I can do these days. Um, they're just defending the triple lock.

[00:05:14] So these pensioners have more money to spend on the £3.80 Sunday Express. Mm. And that will do for your front pages. Let's get inside the news. There's a thing in the news that says, you know this, all this heat wave lark we've been having? Five of them or something. Well, Britain's blistering heat waves have sparked a huge rise in blood sucking bed bugs. Oh, this one can't have anything nice. A little bit of good weather.

[00:05:39] Experts warn that the silent assassins, which I thought was a category of breaking wind, but no. Um, which feast on humans are increasing as more people, um, oh, book a getaway into the hot weather. What are you doing that for? So literally going to another country, bringing back the bed bugs means more bed bugs over here. They're a horrible thing. I had them once when I was renting a place in Whittam. Oh, my dear. Why do you need to go abroad to get hot weather? You fools.

[00:06:08] We've had five heat waves. You could have saved yourself a ton of money and not been being eaten by bed bugs. Oh, I don't know if this impacts you, but snorers. Are you a snorer? Don't tell me now. Don't spoil the surprise. Um, no, you never know, Dee. Uh, snorers are forking out for their own hotel rooms. According to new research, one in six book single rooms on holiday to avoid disturbing others. Is that why they're doing it? No, darling. I know I snore. I'll have to simply have a room to myself. You deal with the kids. I'll just relax and watch TV.

[00:06:37] I mean, I'll just try and snore in my, oh, no. I'm doing this for you, darling. This is why I never understand why people wouldn't want to row in a relationship. If the downside of having an argument with your spouse is sleeping in the spare room, room to yourself. No one prodding and kicking you and taking more than half the bed. You can starfish. I'm not saying you should starfish, but if you have your own hotel room or you're in the spare room, you can starfish.

[00:07:06] I don't want to give away too many trade secrets or give you a mental image. You can never get rid of your head. But when I get the bed to myself, oh, I look like I've just dropped out of a plane in film news. Well, they've done a survey about your favorite film, which is half survey, half small talk on a first date, really. But here it is. The Karate Kid has delivered a knockout blow to Rocky and Bend It Like Beckham to be crowned Britain's favorite sports film. Oh, I suppose it is. Oh, doesn't it feel like it's not sport?

[00:07:36] I know it's competitive karate, but still, like football, sport. What's the other one? Rocky boxing. Yeah, sport. Karate. We don't really think of it as a sport as much, but it is. Yeah, but it's like saying our favorite sporting film was Finding Nemo. Angling is technically a sport. Do you know what I mean? I mean, it's... Don't sit right with me. I spend more time than you watching kids films, I would imagine. If that's not true, probably you're a bit weird.

[00:08:05] But no, because I've got a two-year-old and a four-year-old and all that luck, and there should be exciting news. The first look trailer for the Bluey movie has been released. If you don't know what this is, there's a TV show called Bluey about some dogs. You can see the problem already though, can't you? Because when it's Bluey, the TV show sounds like it's a dog. When it's Bluey movie, there are going to be some old blokes expecting something else. If I take the kids along to this, I don't think I will, because I'm watching out for the blokes in the long raincoats. Do you know what I mean?

[00:08:35] Oh, can I get a ticket for that Bluey movie? Having said that, the reason Bluey is good is because the episodes are barely all of seven minutes long. It's exactly right just to keep them focused for seven minutes, and then they don't watch TV all day. Why make a film out of it? Oh, I know. Let's see if we can train kids these days to watch more stuff on screens. Eh, not so sure, Bluey. Public displays of affection, PDAs. Apparently a good sign. They're a sign of a healthy relationship, according to experts.

[00:09:05] Don't say that. It's another hope I'll have to jump through. Experts found that loved-up couples who make romantic gestures out of the house enjoy greater happiness. I suppose it makes sense. No, because if you don't have a lot of PDAs, that's probably you don't like each other anymore or one of you is secretly married. And I can see how neither of those two situations rely... I feel... No, I don't feel sorry. That's the wrong phrase.

[00:09:32] Don't you feel sorry in a not real sorry way for anyone who does have two families? Every so often you hear those people, don't they? Like, oh, he had a wife down in London and a wife in Manchester and two families. Firstly, that must be exhausting. Secondly, you'd manage that by having some sort of secret burner phone. Well, your cover was blown by the government to do with barbecues the other day, wasn't it? Beep beep! Why have you got two phones going off? Oh no, darling. And other darling. Nightmare.

[00:09:59] A quick shout out to a man by the name of Darren Labron. Darren Labron, 59 year old, is in the newspapers and he's still collecting toy cars. Bless him. He's got... I'm not going to judge him for... I am going to slightly judge him for it, but if ever you watch my live stream on YouTube, in the background, I've got some toy cars on the back... I think that's a joke. One of them is like a scale model of a Toyota Yarris, because that's not sexy and that's funny to me.

[00:10:28] But this guy has collected thousands of these things. He spent £55,000 on 11,000 model cars. Roughly a five or each then, I reckon. Even I can work that one out. And I blame the internet, because there is no way this guy would have had this many cars if you still had to go into toy shops. Like, the only way I'd go anywhere near a toy shop is if I've got the two kids with me. If I rock up on my own, I ain't going in there like a weirdo.

[00:10:57] And I can't help but think, by the time this guy would have got to 59, and he would have been a regular... Imagine walking into a toy shop. Hello again Darren. Usual, is it? Oh dear. But thankfully you can be anonymous on the internet, and now he's got a spare room full of toy cars. So I'm not sure it worked out for the best, but it is. We are where we are. I've got some bad news for you. Well, maybe for me one day. But being dumped could literally break your heart. We'll read the thing, but it's not going to be good news is it?

[00:11:25] Experts have warned that while heartbreak is emotional, for a small number it can genuinely be a medical condition as well. The experts say the stress associated with being divorced and breakups in rare cases can trigger... Here we go. Takotsubo cardiomyopathy, commonly known as broken heart syndrome. Well if it's commonly known as it, why is this even in the newspapers? It seems like... We already knew about this. This ain't news then. I mean I didn't, but I'm not a doctor.

[00:11:54] So that news again. If you've been dumped, not only does someone not want you, you're also not as fit as you think. No, there's no walking away from that one feeling good about yourself is there? I almost, almost regret bringing it up. Sorry about that. The humble jacket potato could be a thing of the past. Oh well, I'll go over it. But it could vanish from dinner tables because apparently the younger generation, you'd never guess this if I gave you all day. Don't like them? Have a moral problem with potatoes or something? No, no, no.

[00:12:25] Can't cook them. Can't cook a jacket potato? What am I misunderstanding about jacket potatoes? They take a while, but they're not difficult, are they? You don't have to get... You don't have to do a Heston Blumenthal and get some sodium chloride, that's just salt. But you don't have to get some chemicals involved. There's no liquid nitrogen. It's put a thing in an oven and just go and do something else. Go and watch a film. Or microwave it halfway first and then do the rest in the oven.

[00:12:52] I think if the younger generation can't cook the jacket potato, we're doomed. But you know, at least there'll be more potatoes for us until we get there. Well, we've done the podcast. Hopefully that got you up to date with your front pages, your main news. Get yourself subscribed for more of these things coming at you. Track me down on social media. At Mr. Steve N Allen is the username for pretty much all of them. We can have a chit chat. Till then, I think we've done. We've done our little podcast. I've sung my little song.

[00:13:22] Subscribe for more episodes. Till then, I'll say so long. Actually, that worked. No, that was... That was like a proper song, wasn't it? Thank you for listening to Stephen Allen, almost... Daily. Daily. This podcast is part of Podomity, the UK's podcast comedy network. Why not laugh at what else we've got? Visit Podomity.com.