Burnham Begins / Water Woes

[00:00:00] Hello, I'm Steve N Allen and welcome to Steve N Allen Almost Daily. Yes, hello, I'm Steve N Allen. Are you ready for your quick news fix? In podcast form, straight down your ears on a day when it seems the top news seems to be that Andy Burnham, new Prime Minister, or I should say Prime Minister Andy Burnham, has promised to fix rough sleeping. Which is good because, you know, the last couple of weeks during those heat waves, I had some terrible nights. Tossed and turned, it was just a bit close, wasn't it? It was a bit, ooh, I was all mithered.

[00:00:30] So he might be trying to fix that. We can take a quick glance through some of the front pages. It's all very samey, though. The I, Burnham pledges breathing room to help UK on cost of living as he moves into number 10. I'm not really sure, none of this means anything, does it? Oh, I'll give you some breathing room. You realise bank statements don't breathe? I'm not sure, do you think they've come alive? I know he used to work in the Treasury back in one of the many iterations of whoever he was.

[00:00:57] But, honestly, there is quite the parallel. At the same time that Andy Burnham is back again with his most successful attempt at being leader. And Madonna is back in the charts. And I've never seen them in the same room at the same time. And that literally means there is no way that's the same person. Defence spending must be British priority, says US ambassador. That's more of a threat than a promise, isn't it? Who's this as well? Inside Times number two. This is the Times, by the way. I was a high flyer.

[00:01:27] Now I'm broke in midlife. He just got paid by the Times. It's more than I'd get these days. Last time I got paid for writing something, it was like £100 from the metro. Burnham, my 10-year UK plan. That's a cheeky little monkey as well, isn't it? He's got three years left before a general election. He's going to give it months until he announces this plan. So we're talking two years. And his plan will be a 10-year plan. On some level, it's genius. Do you know what I mean? Like, oh, I'm not going to promise to do anything in the two years I've got the job.

[00:01:55] But after them, I always like to try and do the comparison between politics and your marriage. It is a little bit... The problem is that you can't compare it to the marriage, because that one is set up as till death do you part. And you'll be like, yeah, but when I'm dead, that's when the fidelity kicks in. I'm not sure they'd want that as part of the vows. Burnham doesn't speak for us, from page of the Daily Mail. Says voters in South. This could be the hot-bottom topic of the next two to three years. Sorry, 10 years.

[00:02:25] Because it was weird today seeing, like, a northern person being prime minister. I know Tony Blair was technically Scottish. Come on. Have a listen with your ears, man. When was the last time we had someone actually northern? Hang on. I have to Google past prime ministers. The problem with that is there's so many of them. It's going to slow down the server. Let's have a look. Have a look at the most recent... Oh, don't put them in that order. Give me from recent backwards. I have to AI this bad boy, aren't I?

[00:02:55] 20th century, that's not the one we want. I mean, I know Thatcher was technically born in Grantham. It's Lincolnshire, which is Midlands. But, God, at the same time, I think if you've elocutioned yourself, you're not really a northern anymore. Tony Blair, Scottish. John Major. No idea where he was from. Thatcher. James Cattern. Now we're back into the history, aren't we? Boris Johnson, posh. Well, Gordon Brown. Proper Scottish. I'll let you have that one. The Right Honourable Lord Cameron.

[00:03:25] All right. Posh Southerner. Theresa May. No idea. Boris Johnson. Oh, very posh. Liz Truss. East Anglia counts as posh south, doesn't it? Rishi Sunak was new posh, so that's also southern, probably. And then Keir Starmer. He's a Sussex boy, isn't he? This is the first time the North is actually being in charge since, I don't know which one's the North. Clement Attlee, where is he from? There's a couple of Welsh people back then as well, aren't there? No, it's going to be terrifying. I moved down here to get away from all that.

[00:03:55] Don't send the money back up there now. I moved down here because that's where I thought the money was going to be. Front page of the Sun. Turmoil. But oil. Government chaos on North Sea drilling. Trump praises. Trump praise piles on pressure. It's harder to say than I thought. Andy Burnham enters number 10 with chaos already engulfing. Don't say golf. If you've got oil involved, you're going to make, you know, one of the Americans are getting all trigger happy.

[00:04:24] On crucial issues of oil and gas drilling. The US President Donald Trump yesterday praised the incoming PM for like a dog. They're eating the dog. It's not what he said, but it's what I need to say to get into the impression. He said, opening up all the way. Was he talking about the gas? Was he talking about that? Because you know what he's like. No. We'll look into that. More on that story later. Burnham's the front page of the Daily Telegraph. Although I think Madonna's on there as well.

[00:04:54] So actually, no, I have seen both of them. Not in the same place, but on the same paper. They are not the same person. Time for UK to face up to its challenges, says Burnham. Sounds depressing. That's the front page of the Guardian. And there's probably something about football somewhere else. Oh, hang on. The Express always worth taking a look at. BBC's Nicky Campbell apologizes for slur. And he might want to sue because that looks like you think, did he drop the M-bomb? He's singing along to a Kanye. He did a P-bomb, but not that one.

[00:05:23] And maybe not even the secondary one. The other one. The one that's on a par with the other F-bomb that's not that F-bomb. It's the other one. It's confusing this, isn't it? It'd be much easier if I just said the word. But I'd never work for the BBC again. He used a derogatory term for a homosexual whilst quoting, though. Here's the thing. It wasn't like he was just saying, I'll tell you who I don't like. He was quoting someone who had said it.

[00:05:51] And we just need clear rules on this. Are you allowed to quote someone? And if someone's quoting someone in a rap record, so if in the rap record, the rapper says, and he said to me, so you've got a double layer of protection. Are you allowed to say some of them then? I don't know. And no one will ever find out because no one's ever going to be brave enough to try. And those are your front pages. The topic that always winds me up is water companies.

[00:06:18] Imagine a situation where someone can make a profit by selling you something you need vitally to stay alive. Water. It's not even, it's better than food in terms of the more desperate thing. You know what I mean? I know you need food to stay alive and people make profit from food. But you can go on the 5-2 diet and have a fast day. No one has a thirst day, do they? No one's written like the 5-2 thirst diet if you really want to dehydrate yourself and do your kidneys in. You need it a bit more. It's a bit more crucial.

[00:06:47] And basically they're pooing the rivers. Thousands of people are still facing water supply issues, including some with a complete lack of water. South East Water has said, oh, well maybe, I wonder if he's in charge of that. Maybe I'm going to pull your finger out. Or not, because that's how leaks in dykes work. I think you can say that in that context. The company said that basically in Tunbridge Wells area of Kent, loads of people, no water at all. I mean, I imagine that means you don't need a hosepipe banner.

[00:07:14] If you know someone has no water, say to them, well, this is no hosepipe banner. Don't double up on it. Don't be like, you don't have any water. But if you did, you couldn't use it on a hosepipe banner. It is thoroughly, this is about time we let people dig up the streets and put some other pipes down there. Because for a while you can only get your TV in one way. And then all of a sudden we opened up the market and you could get cable and satellite or other ways to get TV signals to you. We need to do that with water now, don't we?

[00:07:40] Just let another company, like when Virgin Media or Diamond Media as it was where I used to live, just absolutely ruined all the pavements. Let them ruin all the pavements to put some other pipes down there to do some genuine competition in the water market. That's what I'm up for. Nigel Farage's main rival, Count Binface, I don't know if you've heard of this. There's no way you've not heard of this. In the papers here it's saying he's honoured to be part of a record-breaking 34 candidates. That's how many people are standing in the clact.

[00:08:09] No one's given two flips about Clacton for ages. I've only been there a couple of times and all I ever wrote back, I post on social media about how big the seagulls are. That's the biggest news that's happened in the area. Now all of a sudden it's the epicentre of democracy. I do quite like it though that this being a podcast, at the moment Ofcom has no reach. I can say Nigel Farage and Count Binface are standing for this election and I don't legally have to name all of the candidates there.

[00:08:36] Whereas whenever I'm doing telly stuff, if you accidentally mention this by-election, the poor host has to read all the names. And 34 names! Wow! I've now started bringing a copy of the gallery music from Tony Hart with me. Just in case. Because you know it's going to be needed. Here's an interesting one. Is this entrapment? The police have been doing a thing where they send out some female police officers to do some running. They are undercover. They're not in uniform.

[00:09:04] They're dressed as joggers and they go jogging to try and crack down on men who go, oi, when joggers go past. Is that entrapment? It's West Mercia Police. They've got little else to do. launched the initiative after a survey found that 68% of women experienced some form of whew, whew, whew, whew, honk, honk, when they went running. And I understand, I like it. It's a good strategy. But I tell you what, I've got a lot of respect for the two women who are doing this.

[00:09:33] Because imagine, if you know the survey says 68% of women have been honked at men, the lascivious, pre-apic creatures, the lustful beasts, the satyramaniacs that we are. Just, oh, look at war. And if they go for a run and they come back and they say, how many people, wolf whistled and they were like, none. Oh, that'd cut deep, wouldn't it? You know what I mean? You wouldn't water that off. There's a story in the newspapers that almost presents this as bad news.

[00:10:01] Britain's booze is getting weaker. What? Weak booze? The average alcohol content in our favourite tipples has fallen by 0.1% for beer and 0.3% for wines and spirits. But that's fine, isn't it? Aren't we past all that kind of manly, whoa, look how strong the beers are, I mean? I remember I was in Hackney once and I went for a pint in the Pembury Tavern, whatever it is.

[00:10:31] And they had a new, you know, every so often they got different ales on and I'd be an idiot going like, oh, give me the, what's this one? How strong is this one? And there was a pint of a porter that was 8%. Looking back, I don't remember much of that evening, but I remember the mistake of ordering one. Because you look at this nation and you don't think, I'll tell you what, that's a nation that needs stronger beer right now. That would compound the errors somewhat.

[00:10:59] There's a story about how we've got another heatwave on the way. Blue skies will soon boost the start of the school holidays with a Mediterranean meltdown. What? What? So we're set to have at least another heatwave. The thing is, are you not, I think I'm hardened to it now. Now that we've had two heatwaves, I'm like, yeah, I think I can handle this. It's amazing how quickly you get used to it, which you should, because heatwaves are defined by being like three degrees above average temperature. So every time you have one, the average technically gets higher.

[00:11:29] They just don't mention that when they're doing all the maths, do they? So yeah, now I've got the system now. I'd sit around and look red-faced and sweat, which is basically what I was doing before the heatwaves. But now I have an excuse. Andrew Tate and his brother. And don't you feel sorry for his brother because he's known as and his brother in all of the news coverage. Andrew Tate and Andrew Tate's brother. What's his name? Oh, his name's Andrew Tate's brother. They're set to be extradited to the UK. They've been arrested in America.

[00:11:57] So they were hanging out in Romania or something. And they, I guess, went on holiday to America, got arrested there. There's an extradition deal that could happen. And I should point out as well that Tristan Tate, actually, I do know his name. I feel bad there because he actually follows me on Twitter. And I don't know why, but Tristan Tate follows me on Twitter. Andrew doesn't. Does that mean I'm an influencer in the manosphere? I think I might.

[00:12:26] I think I come across as though I am, don't I? I think I'd be one of the best manosphere influencers out there because if you want to teach young boys how to be real men, I'm the guy you go to. I, you don't need to worry about toxic masculinity from me. My type of masculinity is more described as hypoallergenic. It wouldn't bother you at all. I think there's money to be made here and I might go and look into it. Some more stats to throw at you from today's news.

[00:12:55] Children have been handed thousands of pounds in compensation after being injured in playgrounds. Stuff like that. 3.7 million pounds in total. And look, you don't want your kids to get injured. Well, you don't want your kids to get permanently injured. But I tell you what, with the cost of living crisis, if you could have the balance. I'm not saying I'm going to train my lad to like go around headbutting things in playgrounds. I'm not saying I'm not going to do it, though. Do you know what?

[00:13:25] It depends. How much would you get if it's like, oh, donk, I'll go and headbutt. You know what? I shouldn't tell you my plans, should I? There's advice on how we can save the planet if you're using AI. Be rude is the advice. And I thought, great, I can't wait. So then I had a little chat with my Google Home speaker. Told it what I really thought of it. And it is that I don't mean that. A report says that not saying please and thank you into Gemini, chat, GPT, all of that,

[00:13:53] can save enough electricity to power 30,000 homes across a year. Oof, that is quite a lot. But honestly, it's not that much of a saving, is it? Like, use AI, but don't say please and thank you will save some electricity. But the amount of electricity we're wasting by generating images of what people look like in bikinis more than offsets the slight saving from being terse with your AI. So, you know, good luck with that as the way to save the planet. There's the day's news.

[00:14:20] Pretty much sorted out and swept up another such phrase like that for you. Wherever you found this podcast, I believe you could subscribe to it. Indeed, I think you should subscribe to it. I think you would subscribe to it. I've done the full Beverly Knight on you. You can also have a look at youtube.com forward slash at Mr. Steve N Allen for the video streaming versions done live. I've substat.com forward slash at Mr. Stephen Allen for the written versions of me ranting about some news stories,

[00:14:48] normally about water companies, but go and have a read. And until the next time, thank you for listening to Stephen Allen almost daily. This podcast is part of Podomity, the UK's podcast comedy network. Why not laugh at what else we've got? Visit Podomity.com.