Burnham’s Release Plans

[00:00:00] Hello, I'm Steve N Allen and welcome to Steve N Allen Almost Daily. Hello and welcome to the podcast that gives you all of the news that you need in such a short amount of time. The density, it's dense news. On a day, which is the 10th of August, Monday, the week where we're being told to get ready for what is going to be the fifth heatwave of the year. And should we get used to this? Should we get used to having this many heatwaves? I don't think it's going to happen in the future and I'll tell you for why, for why.

[00:00:30] The definition of a heatwave is three consecutive days where the temperature exceeds like a predicted temperature based on historical records according to the Met Office. So the more heatwaves you have, the more the average temperature moves up. So therefore it should be harder to achieve a heatwave. So in the future, don't worry, we're having heatwaves. I mean we'll be baking at 45 degrees and some pillock on the TV will have to say it's quite mild for the time of year. But them's the maths. Right, let's do the front pages. We've not looked at these yet.

[00:00:59] Let's walk through the front pages together and enjoy the journey. The Daily Mail. Labour jail plan to spark 89,000 more crimes. Oh! So, you know, at least there is a growth in some sector. Thousands of Britons will become victims of crime as the result of Andy Burnham's early prison release. I mean, it's a bit harsh to say it's his. This is like when Boris Bikes were known as Boris Bikes.

[00:01:23] Poor old Ken Livingstone spent most of his time dealing with newts, but then most of his time dealing with coming up with this bike scheme. Loses the gig, Boris comes in. Bikes, bikes, bikes. Same thing for the buses, but they kept burning. So no one really tried to take claim for those. Thousands of Brits becoming victims of crime. Rude word, offenders. You can't say certain things on the internet, can you? Even though the Eurythmics did an entire song, the 1984 one with that as the title.

[00:01:50] Robbers, arsonists, violent criminals will commit nearly 90,000 extra crimes. This is because of recidivism. It's something like 104, 105 anyway when released. Recidivise. Now, for a minute there I was looking clever, wasn't I? And that rate means if you are releasing 200,000, you're going to get 50,000 extra crimes. So I guess we're doing, well, you do the maths, right? Them's the maths. So this is always going to happen. I hope they've baked this into the financial analysis.

[00:02:20] Do you know what I mean? Because if you release, if you need 20,000 places and you release 20,000 criminals or something and they go on to do that many crimes, they're going to go back in, taking up the space. So you need to be releasing more criminals than the spaces you actually need. It's not 20,000. Is it 20,000? And then they'll end up filling it up so you'll have to release more people. So it's not going to work, is it? So despite mounting public fury, the prime minister has decided to pursue the controversial

[00:02:49] labor plans, which were, you know, the Tory plans, but hang on, which let thousands out of jail before the end of their sentences to ease overcrowding in prisons. Here's what I didn't understand as well about the way our system works. Now I'm having a rant over here. Join me over here. It's because people are given a sentence of a certain amount of time. And we came up with this idea that we should let them out before the end of it in some sort of like carrot to the carrot and stick thing. We'll let you out early. Good behavior.

[00:03:18] I suppose it is good to have a character dangle, but wouldn't the nation just feel happier if people were given, even if it was shorter sentences and they served all of it? Or maybe they think it is just red meat to the masses. This person was given 100 years in prison. How many did you serve? Three, but still. Maybe it's that. Maybe it's that. Also, up the top here, the five-step guide to fixing your Zempic feet. I didn't know that was a thing. I think five steps. If you can't walk that many, it's bad.

[00:03:47] So I Googled what a Zempic feet is. A Zempic feet refers to foot changes, including pain, reduced cushioning, or no, no, cushioning for the pushing, and bonier appearance that can occur with rapid weight loss. You get thinner feet. Rapid fat and muscle loss. And the main cause is fat pad atrophy. Fat pad atrophy was my rapper name for an album that we don't talk about anymore. O Zempic feet.

[00:04:16] O Zempic feet. You've got O Zempic feet. Ah, they don't look that neat. I want to be sick now. Oh, that's all I have to say on that topic. Meanwhile, front page of... We can go to... The next one is... Where is it? The Times. My gladiator's advice for rugby star. I'm going to read that. Increased risk of blackouts from plan-to-cut electricity bills.

[00:04:46] I'll take it. No, I'll literally take it. Given a choice between paying more for my bills or every so often having the power shut off. No, I'll go for that one. Britain will be at increased risk of nationwide blackouts because of an electricity system rule change designed to save money. Yeah, no, I'll absolutely take it. It's because we will have reduced levels of inertia. Speak for yourself. I don't have O Zempic feet. O Zempic feet.

[00:05:15] You've got O Zempic feet. They don't look that neat. I want to be sick now. No, I did it twice because I bothered to learn a C augmented chord there. I augmented that chord. What have you done with your day? PM's advisor concerned over Labour's wealth tax. Economist unconvinced about... There's the deal.

[00:05:38] So Andy Burnham is struggling to convince one of his closest allies to join his government because the advisor has concerns over potential wealth tax. These are the things that sound good. They make a lot of sense. But here's the problem about trying to tax people with wealth. I'm really good at hiding it. Because of them, they're accountants and things. It's so much easier to move your money around than it is to move yourself around in the actual job that you've got. Near absolute. We're hamstrung. The Times has been told that Lord O'Neill of Gatley...

[00:06:08] Wasn't he in... Boyzone. A former Goldman Sachs economist. Well, there you go. There you go. Burnham cannot block release of PC killers. Back to this story again. You can. Oh, I've been through this. Sorry. No, it's the wrong impression. I'm mad for it. I'm mad for it. Andy Burnham say, oh, what can you do? The rules of this release scheme means that these people who were in prison for killing an officer...

[00:06:37] And there was people associated with, like, grooming gangs. Oh, the rules are... You've just made the rules. The release scheme is a set of rules that you've made. What do you... You change them. You ever think about that? Front page of the next story... The next newspaper. The Telegraph. Chinese spy cameras found on Navy drones. Let's click in and have a look about this one. Because normally I don't complain about this too much.

[00:07:05] We've heard a lot of details of China spying on us. I've got a Huawei router over there. And if they are listening to this, at least that's one person. I need to zoom in a bit more. The Royal Navy says that spy drones used by British elite special forces secretly sent data to China. Yeah. How did they not see this coming? Well, literally... You've got to kind of presume that if you're buying spyware...

[00:07:35] Have they never seen a James Bond film? Come on. We've got it cheap off. Timu. What could possibly go wrong? Infantino's lover given £150,000 by UEFA. UEFA never met her. But Gianni Infantino did. And he's alleged to have paid this lover some money to pay off. Look, I don't like the fact that this guy took a call from Trump and vetoed a red card. I don't like that this guy was trying to sell off the beautiful game.

[00:08:04] But let's not throw the baby out with the bathwater if you want to have her fling at work. No one's perfect. So you pay off £150,000 to keep each... I'm not necessarily trying to move into the manosphere space, but come on. I do... I get troubled by how we are equating being a bit of a wrong and with having a dalliance at work,

[00:08:34] with just being a bad person, with every other thing. The same is true of politicians. I've ranted about this before. So many politicians... Oh, they had a fling. I don't give two flips. You go to your job. Can you reduce tax or make this economy work better? Yeah, yeah. Have a fling. I don't give two flips. As long as you're all grown-ups. I think I phrase it this way. If we stopped caring about the people with whom politicians did some naughty stuff, you could even blackmail them. Do you know what I mean?

[00:09:01] The Profumo affair just would have been a story about a woman who couldn't sit on a chair properly. And I'm here for that. Oh, look. On the front page of the Telegraph that we're doing, think prisons risk running out of space thanks to rise in repeat offenders. So, yeah. You release them, they do a crime, they go back in. It's like they'd not thought of the maths that even idiot me over here just thought of. Don't use too much power during the eclipse is on the front page as well.

[00:09:26] Britain's biggest energy supplier is urging people to avoid using electricity during this week's solar eclipse. Yeah, don't worry. It's not going dark, it's an eclipse. If you go and put the lights on, you idiot. It's gone dark early, hasn't it? Also, don't drink any water because we basically don't have any. The front page of... Oh dear. ASMR. The Guardian. Labour wants deeper ties to EU under Burnham, says Minister.

[00:09:56] We'll see what's going to happen. In fact, I was talking to Alex Armstrong, who's mapped out entirely how this will go. He's got a good theory. Burnham will travel the nation so he can say, I've been listening, I'm ready to go to the nation for a general election. Reform will be fighting restore and they are not really ready for anything. The Tories aren't reconvened yet. So it could be, as long as the Greens don't manage to trim off too much, you'll get a second term of Andy Burnham.

[00:10:24] Reform will just disappear at that point because Farage will just leave, he'll quit. And the worst case scenario he came up with was there won't be enough of a vote to form a government. The Lib Dems will be back in and it'll be vote on Europe again. I miss that though, having to talk about Brexit all the time. Ex-accounts from abroad linked to UK unrest. More than half of the accounts post on Elon's Ex about rioting in Belfast

[00:10:50] and civil disorder in Southampton were based outside the UK. Isn't it nice that people pay attention to us? That didn't used to happen. Rexons, Americans moved to Wales after Ryan buys football club. Okay. And are we really getting that tetchy about people moving to the UK now? Some Americans coming over here? And days of danger. Heatwave water warning. Temperature set to soar again as new health alerts issued. You know, it is going to be hot. Have you thought about getting some air con?

[00:11:21] Literally the solution to the problem of it being too hot is we've invented the technology. It's not that no one comes up with some dumbass moral crusade saying people in Britain shouldn't have air con and change planning laws about it. We'll be absolutely fine. Just let me take a drink so I can do a spit take. They did what? People were forced to remove their air con because of planning permissions. Oh, I don't say that.

[00:11:49] I think I have to scratch all the dirt off my car with their fingernails. And Andy wants a cancel culture. Let's read this one. Burnham tore to slash Britain's bill as he pledges he could say... Why is that cancel culture? Feel free to cancel my electricity bill, yeah. Andy Burnham begins travelling the length and breadth of the country to learn about the cost of living crisis. Do you know when he'll learn about it? He's going to get day two when he has to fill up at the pumps. Oh, we need some... Are they mad for it? Let's go and get some petrol. How much? Like that.

[00:12:19] And Europe today. This is the Express but we don't need to do that. Let's get inside the newspapers. Did you see the video doing the rounds on social media of the bloke and we think it's up in Manchester. Manchester. Manchesterism and all that. Who went to Sports Direct. Bought a baseball bat. And because he was walking down the street with a baseball bat. Some police officer... I mean eventually does arrest him. Takes a while. Takes a while. And not because the guy had a baseball bat. He literally did not use it. It's interesting isn't it? That...

[00:12:50] Well that's not getting too controversial. Some people are allowed to walk around with weapons. But if you get seen with a baseball bat. The police guy... Even though as the guy kept shouting. It was in its wrapper. It does mean a weird system where... So what are we saying now? You can't buy baseball bats. Don't get me wrong. I'm all for not Americanizing our nation. The... You should use the word about. Not around. In so many sentences. But the idea that... Like... If you're not allowed to own a baseball bat. You really should stop the shop selling them.

[00:13:18] Not just arrest poor old blokes walking down. Now his tude was a little bit feisty. I'll give you that. But he did get arrested. So I don't know if you've seen it. A video of... It takes a while. Eventually the police come up. He gets pepper sprayed. All this just for buying some sports equipment from Sports Direct. Not even one of those massive mugs either. Just the... To the baseball bat. And it did make me think. I was surprised at the end of it. There wasn't like a little sponsor credit by Amazon Prime. It feels like they're the ones winning here. Ding. Ding. Don't get arrested. Order online. Bing.

[00:13:48] Andy Burnham, by the way. Sticking to the pledge to have a ban on petrol and diesel cars by 2030. But it is just a ban on new ones. And this is why I almost think that I should recuse myself of having a chat on this. My car is so old. And I don't care about having a new car. However, I'm going to end up caring about this story in, I don't know, 50 years time. What have I got? I've got a 63 plate that I'm driving around in at the moment.

[00:14:18] Not a 1963, but it might as well be. Do you know what I mean? So by the time I actually find out... Like, give me 40 years. I've been looking around for some second-hand rust bucket. And I'm going, what? They're all electric? What? Why didn't anyone tell me? But until then, I should probably just relax. A woman claiming pregnancy discrimination did not attend the employment tribunal because she was pregnant again. She's got you there, hasn't she? Got you hoisted by her own petard or something. She's... No, that's a clever move.

[00:14:47] That's a stealthy move. Because then if you say, he didn't even turn up, you know she's going to sue you. Literally not. Denise Williams, not that one, says that she was fired by a consultancy in October 2023 after falling pregnant. She gave birth... Oh, I didn't know these details. A hearing... I wouldn't know the graphic details of the birth, but I'll, you know, show us the pictures. A hearing was set for March this year. She did not attend as it was days before another baby was due. Fair play.

[00:15:16] I don't know why... You wouldn't expect her to turn up for that one. The... Although all... Imagine how much you wouldn't be able to touch her claims of multitasking if she dealt with the tribunal whilst giving birth. It's all right. Oh, I mean, I've got eight hours left of this labour. Let's get this over and done with. She definitely would have won. This is win-win. Gary Lineker... Do you want to know what Gary Lineker's up to? You don't? Well, I'll tell you anyway. He's doing a cookery show. Why does everyone end up doing a cookery show? This is... I'll read the thing first.

[00:15:47] Footy Foodie, Gary Lineker, is looking to whip up a new cookery show and Jamie Oliver is a frontrunner to host it. Oh, at least he's got some proper chefs in there. Because it's this lifestyle thing that's hit with Meghan Markle's whipping up some jam and all this. Yeah, but do we need to see people cook all the time? Holly Willow is in the kitchen moaning about something. I'm just feeling like I'm left out. Because I do stuff streaming on YouTube and at some point I will fall for this and I will end up filming the Steve Cookery show.

[00:16:17] I mean, it'll be in YouTube shorts, not in the actual... No, because it'll basically just be me putting stuff in a microwave. We can do a smash edit to beep, beep, beep, and it's done. And you're up to date. I love stories like this. Even though it's got the word woke in it, and I know we should... Actually, let's try and read it without saying woke because it's just a meaningless word that for some means good and for some means bad. You might as well put good or bad in the sentence. Under fire Cambridge University. Strong start. Has put a trigger warning. See, you didn't need woke, actually.

[00:16:46] Maybe you just don't need any adjectives. Let's have a crack at it. Cambridge University put a trigger warning on the fairy tale Little Red Riding Hood. Yep. Students on the webinar were told that the History of Bedtime Story lecture contained adult content and themes of violence. I mean, I suppose it does. Not adult content. Well, it depends. Depends what, you know, Little Red Riding Hood gets up to. Were they watching a different version?

[00:17:15] They Googled that thing, didn't they? But the actual main story does include themes of violence, doesn't it? Because the woodman chops the wolf in half. Splits his belly. I mean, look. Yes, that is quite extreme. But I'm amazed this is even being raised in this kind of, like, left-right politics dynamic. Because, you know that good law project with Julian whatever his name is? He's the one who smacked a fox with a golf club, isn't he?

[00:17:44] So really, smacking a fox and chopping a wolf. We've all got issues. But the right and the left all have issues on this one. I kind of like this story. Even though it's about theft, and you know you shouldn't like this story because there's some thefts. But this is the story of thieves have stolen dozens of car badges and radar sensors in a four-day crime spree. But one of the things that's been nicked, the VW car badges. Do you remember? Beastie Boys-y style.

[00:18:14] It's taking me back. VW badges were being nicked all the time, weren't they? They were said to have used drones to identify VWs. Wow. And they swooped in. About 70 thefts took place. But it just takes you back to the good old-fashioned days. If now I could read about VW badges being nicked as I'm walking to Blockbuster Video, oh, it would make me happy.

[00:18:43] Margaret Thatcher is in the news. I've got an up-to-date newspaper. Are we sure? Hang on, stay there. Today's date. Oh, yeah, tenth. ASMR. Margaret Thatcher approved plans... Well, this is the headline. Margaret Thatcher's cocaine moth plot. A cocaine moth plot. In your head, what do you think a cocaine moth plot is? Wrong. Margaret Thatcher approved plans to bomb Peru's cocaine crops with moths. I mean, maybe that's what you guessed.

[00:19:13] What I guessed is... You know when you're trying to get to bed at night, you just hear like... What's that? Something's fluttering. What is it? And it's a moth, but not one of those small ones. One that's chunky enough to really make its presence known. And instead of just trying to flap it outside, you spend the rest of the day, maybe even the whole week, slowly getting it hooked on drugs. No? Is that not how you get rid of things? All right, well, each to their own. This one's not going out on the show.

[00:19:44] But I'm not even sure we should put this one on the internet. But a Whitney Houston Barbie has been launched yesterday on what would have been the singer's 63rd birthday. A 70 pound doll. And look, that doll... I'll show you that. Is that... Uh-huh. Can you see it? It's... It's very lifelike other than she would have floated in the bath. Now you know why we didn't put that one on the radio show. Lovely pictures in the newspapers of Lily Allen.

[00:20:13] No relation to me. I'm sure she's a relation to someone. But Lily Allen makes her fans smile, all right, as she performs in just her underwear. Yep, she's... Fair enough, that's exactly what she's doing. She's performing in just her underwear. I don't blame her. We've had many a heat wave. I do think there is a double standard here, though, isn't there? That she performs in her underwear. This is almost a full page of a national newspaper giving her additional publicity because of this. And fair play to a good luck to you, Lily. Big fan.

[00:20:42] When I perform in my underwear, it's less welcomed, isn't it? Like, if ever I did this show in my underwear and sent the pictures into the Romford recorder, I'm not sure... I don't think they'd publish them. I'm more sure they'd send a cease and desist letter back. I don't know to be sure. I do know that certainly if I perform in other ways in just my underwear, I get banned from that gym. You live and learn, don't you? Badgers are in the news.

[00:21:12] Badgers. Not the things you wear. The animal. More convicts will have to be freed early under the early release scheme after it was revealed that 5,000 new jail spaces have been delayed by badgers. Because they were trying to do some building and some badgers were spotted. And that's it now. So, look, everything was fields once. You've got to be able to build some buildings. But I do think there's a lovely irony that badgers with their black and white stripes

[00:21:39] look more like prisoners than any prisoners will these days. It's quite nice, isn't it? Paris Hilton has... I don't even know why this is news. This is the least surprising sentence I'm going to say out of my face hole today. Are you ready? Paris Hilton has admitted, as if it was some secret, that she's never been to a Greggs or a Nandos. Yep, no, that's how I would have guessed it. I'm not a betting man, but if I were, you'd never been to a... Nah, come on. You're called Paris Hilton. It's not for you. It's our thing. Do you know what I mean?

[00:22:09] It's fine. You don't have to do everything we do because I can't do the things you do. If you're called Paris Hilton, you shouldn't be going to Nand Greggs. If you're called Clacton Ibis, I'd take a woman called Clacton Ibis down to Nand Greggs. Definitely. Sounds like a fun time. I like this story. Put out that the grid, the power grid, might struggle during the solar eclipse.

[00:22:33] If our top scientists haven't worked out that there'll be slightly less sun during a solar eclipse, I was going to give in now. No. I didn't want to be agreeing with Gove about being sick of experts, but if these experts don't even know that solar eclipses tend to not be quite as bright as non-eclipses, we're done for. They claim that the dip in solar power during the event could affect the electricity network, which is already struggling because of the summer extreme high temperatures. Wait a minute.

[00:23:05] If it's high temperatures, it's sunnier. Can someone just plug a battery into this darn thing and just have it over and done with? Feels like we should have done that. More Greggs news, by the way. Greggs has installed Robocop devices in shops to curb the rise in thefts. That's terrifying, isn't it? I certainly would not take Paris Hilton down to Greggs if there's Robocops needed. I definitely would take Southend Best Western down there, whatever her name is.

[00:23:30] But following its anti-theft counter at Fortress stores, the bakery chain is using safer pods. Now, these safer pods, I understand the logic so far, but listen to this bit, and I think it might not be security-based, right? They've installed chest-level CCTV. Not doing Greggs, is it? No one wants someone to nick a steak bake, but the cost of that isn't that much. So why are they installing chest-level CCTV?

[00:24:00] It's a dirty old man. Hello, hello, Greggs. I've got a thing for you. I'm going to put some cameras in there. What height are you putting them at? Cleavage height. You know, come on. No wonder Paris Hilton doesn't want to go down there. You're a bunch of wrong-uns. There you go. There's the updates for today's news thrown at you via the internet podcast. Get subscribed to wherever you found this podcast would be my top advice, but then again, it would, wouldn't it? You can also track me down on youtube.com forward slash at MrStevenAllen

[00:24:29] for some live streaming versions as well. At MrStevenAllen is generally the username on any social medias, so you can get me on the X, the threads, the blueski. I presume that is how it's pronounced. Till next time. Thank you for listening to Steve N Allen (almost) Daily. This podcast is part of Podomity, the UK's podcast comedy network. Why not laugh at what else we've got?

[00:24:58] Visit Podomity.com.