Early General Election?

[00:00:00] This September, Podomedy, the podcast comedy network, is supporting Calm's Stay Tuned campaign, using podcasts like this one to help raise money for suicide prevention. If you can spare £12.20, that's enough to fund the cost of answering a potentially life-saving call to Calm's helpline. You'll find the donation link in the show notes. Whatever you can give this month, thank you.

[00:00:25] Hello, I'm Stephen Allen and welcome to Stephen Allen Almost Daily. The podcast that gets you all of the, not all of the, a lot of the news really quickly right into you. It's a day when, I suppose the big news is that Andy Burnham is holding his first cabinet meeting ahead of his first address of the Commons. He's had the job for ages and this is the first time he's done this bit. Honestly, I doffed my cap in his general direction because I thought I was good

[00:00:56] at not getting around to starting work. I thought I was champion procrastinator. Back in my office job days, I could turn up slightly late, go to the toilet for a big dump and then still by the time I actually do any work, it's kind of midday. That was still the same day. This guy's managed to hold it off for months, not the dump I admit. Do you know what? Wrong details. Let's just do the front pages. We start with the Daily Telegraph. Forget the ugly ending, messy redefined football is

[00:01:24] the thing at the top. I don't know if about football or what an ugly ending is. It sounds like something you don't want to pay for. Moving on. SAS Chief, Army Witch Hunt puts UK at risk. Looks like it's not going to be a funny story, but let's look at it. Special Forces recruitment suffering thanks to endless legal action against soldiers. You can kind of understand the logic that if you're going to go and do some following orders business, but then you'll be legally

[00:01:49] responsible for the orders you follow. Hmm. However, we have Bainock sacks Stride as she puts party on war footing. Kenny Bainock has sacked Sir Mel Stride. I saw a push notification saying he quit. Very much seems it was actually a push notification. This is because she's preparing for the possibility of an early general election. I've been calling this one for ages. The Andy Burnham bounce. As soon

[00:02:17] as things have settled down, if he does all right in the polls, he's going back. Good old Brenda's going to be giving it, what, another one? I don't believe it. Or whatever she said. Front page also has morning treatment doubles cancer survival. Cancer patients could survive twice as long when treated in the morning rather than the afternoon. Findings suggest that a simple switch in appointment times could be associated with a significant boost in their survival. The problem with this is

[00:02:45] it's only going to be half as many appointments that you can have. If you just do morning appointments, the waiting lists are going to be twice as large. What you need to do is use time zones here, don't me? If you, how would you do this? If you could send someone off to a different time zone so that when they come back, they're sufficiently jet lagged to get a morning benefit from an afternoon appointment. You're right, I have overcomplicated it. Trump reviewing US position on Falklands.

[00:03:14] I keep saying the worry here is it makes Prince Andrew look good. Somehow it'll be, he'll spin it, he'll come back. The Times has their leader thing about inside times too. I'm a top doctor and I'm also autistic. Seems like a weird way to introduce yourself, but also seems like a fitting way to introduce yourself. The Healy, I'll prove I'm no hypocrite on defence. Chancellor set out clear path on 3% target. Ah, so well, that depends what you mean

[00:03:43] by it. This is quite hilarious if it weren't for the fact that it is about our security and therefore not hilarious. But John Healy used to be in charge of defence and he said, you've got to do the 3% spending. And then he got in charge of spending and was like, who was that idiot who came up with that plan? What kind of a bald cretin was that? The Chancellor has vowed that defence will be central to his spending plans as he fought off allegations of hypocrisy. In an interview with the Times, John Healy tried to calm fears that he

[00:04:11] would defer the spending target at 3%. Yeah, that's the thing, clear path. He's deferred it and you can have a clear path to something you've deferred. You can kick something down the road. That road is still technically a clear path. Treat, sorry, threat of water supply catastrophe upgraded. The risk of catastrophic loss of water supply to 1 million people has been upgraded by the government, in part because of the threat from hostile states. Yeah, we did this on the podcast. Do you know what?

[00:04:39] I think we've had a slight increase in the number of people who listen to this. And I'm obviously surprised by that, why you want my take on it. But I've been getting a few things right. And it kind of shows how bad the government must be if little old me is guessing things better than they are. The big problem is, and I go on about the water companies all the time, they've got all the money and stuff. We privatised a thing that you don't have a competitive market in. So that's just a licence

[00:05:03] to print money instead of investing the money in stopping the leaks, which seems really basic when you supply water for a living. A leak really should be. The very least you do is get rid of it. Then, building reservoirs. I know there's some planning permissions issues in there as well, but you know you had to get it done. None of that makes me believe that the water companies have updated their IT systems. I'm still fairly sure they're all chugging along on Windows XP

[00:05:32] Service Pack 2 with an outdated copy of... Was it Avast? What was the name of the antivirus thing? Because if you don't want to pay for Kaspersky or McAfee, there was the Avast or something. Do you remember? And you just have to go through all the pop-ups. Someone's job is to go through the pop-ups so they don't have to pay for it. I guarantee it. Let's go back to the front pages.

[00:05:57] To the Daily Express. Millions, million OAPs hit with top rate tax bill. But, well let's read it before I pass the thing. I love the fact that that is next to a picture of Helen Mirren. I bet she pays a bit of tax. She's a pensioner who's earning it, isn't she? More than one million pensioners are being hammered by the higher rate of income tax and the total is set to rise as frozen thresholds

[00:06:20] tighten the squeeze. That's annoying because I was just about to say if you're arguing against rich pensioners, don't have a picture of Helen Mirren right there. But I also think fiscal drag should be outlawed. There's no way that should be allowed. Do you know what I mean? The idea that, well got inflation means it's worse. The rate at which the pound devalues means the level that your tax boundary drops. I hate it when the Daily Express is right.

[00:06:48] The star goes with flipping idiots. Road safety experts have warned against wearing flip-flops behind the wheel after a huge rise in drivers with silly footwear. And I guess the only way we know that the drivers, there's no survey, is there, of silly footwear. Oh, getting a phone call. We'll just mute that. It's a suspected spam one in case you're interested. So we don't do a survey of what people wear on their feet when they get out of cars unless you're wrong

[00:07:15] and if you're sitting around watching those videos. And so the only way we know what's on their feet is when they've crashed the car. So they might be onto something there. Do you know what I mean? The Guardian public control of utilities is key to Britain's growth, certainly on the water. I'll be in charge of converting everything to Linux if you want. I could have that water company running on a very up-to-date Ubuntu. Killer kitchen dust.

[00:07:40] Victims' loved ones to receive higher compensation. That's the front page of the I and they're talking about relatives of workers who died from silicosis caused by inhaling dust while cutting kitchen worktops. I would receive fairer compensation. Okay, didn't see that as a big story but I'm glad they're in there. I mean, if I were to be churlish and to try and do jokes

[00:08:05] about a serious topic, I'd point out who named it silicosis. You know what I mean? I know it's silicon-based because, let's be honest, most rocks are that we use, aren't we? But yeah, it's like calling it Pratt-itis. The Daily Mail. Four-week September reset to banish your excess holiday pounds, says Rose Ferguson, who's telling her, great, we've got to slim down for Christmas already, haven't we? Kemi gets Tories battle ready with a reshuffle, which always sounds more

[00:08:34] trouser-related than it is, but you know, it's good. They got rid of Priti Patel and I'd forgotten that she was even there. She was a big hitter of the old days, wasn't she? She was like a Boris Johnson big name. And now, whenever she turns up, it's like when Ted Danson cropped up in Frasier. Yeah, you remembered back when he was the big star, but not exactly like that. Maxwell to beg Trump for freedom, says the Daily Mirror. Ghislaine Maxwell plans to beg old friend Donald Trump

[00:09:03] to free her from her 20-year sentence. It comes after a US judge dismissed her latest bid to clear a name as frivolous. I imagine if you know Donald Trump. Look, he could certainly get red cards revoked. So we'll see what he does further on that one. And that will be your front pages. Stick around, we're getting inside the newspapers next. Good news for the economy. We're going to be selling more things to Canada. Nice. I don't

[00:09:31] know why I care that much about it. But there's a trade deal now. British ice cream makers are in line for a boost with Canada opening its doors for a new trade pack. UK producers will be able to sell 1,083 tonnes of the frozen dessert free of tariffs. Great. But, and hear me out here, sorry to be a poo-pooer. I'm about to poo-poo. Do you reckon Canada needs frozen desserts? You think of Canada and you think everything there is frozen. The last thing they need is

[00:10:01] for us to bring over more stuff they can stick their tongs to if they try and lick it. No, you know what I mean? It very much feels like if there was a trade deal where we could send electric blankets to Canada, we might be onto something. Obviously don't send them in the same ship as the ice cream. Imagine the mess. They've done a survey into what means you've got life sorted. You're winning at life. And this is going to make you feel good or it won't depending on whether you have achieved what they say. The important thing here is that I have achieved it. So it makes

[00:10:30] me feel good. So that's why I'm talking about it. Knowing when bin day is and having spare batteries and going to the dentist are signs that you have life sorted according to a survey. Absolute tick, tick, tick. Two weeks ago I went to the dentist. Obviously I don't enjoy it, but there you go. I did get a badge saying I was brave or something like that. I'm not really sure I was brave, but I'll take the badge. Knowing when bin day is, Fridays, thanks for asking.

[00:10:55] The difficult thing is knowing which one you're on, isn't it? Are you on main rubbish or recycling? Oh, you're up. It's main rubbish next time. Thanks for asking now. And having spare batteries. That's the latest one that's clicked into my life. I now have a cupboard where I've got, oh, hey, listen, I've got triple A's. I've got double A's. Of course I have. I'm not a fool. You need some C's. I got some C's. You need some tablet shaped 3032s for your car remote. I got them coming at me. I mean,

[00:11:25] not, obviously don't put them in your ears. It's bad for you. But I think I've done life. And I'm sorted. And the bad news is, if this is what being sorted feels like, why did we bother? Technically, showbiz news, but also economics, I guess. Victoria Beckham's business has finally turned a profit. Yes. Just as she makes a bid to crack the US. So, you know, she's a fashion designer. She's not just a member of the Spice Girls. She's not just a member of the Beckham's marriage.

[00:11:52] She's also a fashion designer. And ever since she's launched the brand, she has never made a profit. And to be fair, I've not made a profit as a fashion designer either. So I'm not judging. But this year, she's recorded profits. Do you want to know how much she made? £104. Now, actually, maybe I think I could make £104. No, because I've now got a merch store

[00:12:17] where I sell t-shirts and mugs and things. I think there's a chance I might make more than £104. Wow. However, look, it's all very well me pretending I'm some sort of better fashion guru than Posh Spice is because of the fact that she's only made £104 in fashion. But come on, am I a better singer than her? Do you know what? I'm not sure. Wow. Do you know what? The more you look into this, the more maybe... Am I a member of the Spice Girls?

[00:12:47] Science news. A global team of scientists have found a possible trace of dark matter, the elusive particles making up most of the universe. What I love about these kind of stories, this is genuinely a particle that way outpaces how much matter there is in this world. And it will not impact our lives at all. Because, I don't know, like a hundred years ago they didn't really know if the neutrino existed. And then they proved it did. Did your life change?

[00:13:14] No, me neither. It wasn't that long ago that gravitational waves were postulated, that eventually they detected them. And when they did, it's just a Tuesday, wasn't it? So, they've now discovered possible traces of dark matter. Oh, well. You're up to date. Okay. Obvious joke, but I think we can cram this one into the show. Chart topper Lionel Richie was taken to hospital after feeling dizzy on stage. And it just makes you feel sorry for any members of The Wonder Stuff because it's such a rubbish.

[00:13:44] But there's something in there, isn't there? That when Lionel Richie feels dizzy, you'll be like, oh, you're right. When anyone on The Wonder Stuff says it, you'll be like, oh, yeah, good songs. And then, you know, they wouldn't get the help they needed in time. This is what, never record a song where you talk about any of the symptoms of that act fast thing. Don't do a song where you're talking about, And they'll be like, oh, that's a great song.

[00:14:14] No, no, I mean it this time. You see? It seemed like it was going to be a silly link we talked about here, a silly little item. But I think I've given you the best health advice I've ever given you. And that's not saying much. In AI news, you know I love to keep up with all the latest AI stuff. Heart disease can be diagnosed in two seconds with AI technology being tested by the NHS. This is amazing if more people can be successfully diagnosed quickly. I mean, take five seconds. I'm not in that much of a rush. I just want to know the results, right?

[00:14:44] But isn't it weird that AI manages to correctly identify early signs of heart disease, and yet it wasn't that long ago it didn't know how many fingers a human had? You ask AI, draw a picture of a human, and you could get six, seven, eight, nine fingers going on in there. Maybe that's actually how it still is, that you'll go to the doctors, and this is why humans won't be replaced. You go to the doctors with a heart condition, they'll let you see the AI. But if you've chopped off a finger, you really need to see someone who knows how to count to ten. Do you know what I mean?

[00:15:13] So there is hope for humanity after all. Inmates, and this is not that I'm saying you are. I mean, you might be. If I had a strong audience base in prison, I'd take it. But inmates who behave themselves in Britain's most violent prisons can get a bigger TV in their cells. Bosses at the 500 capacity HMP Brinsford Staffordshire decided that if inmates have a standard 15-inch TV,

[00:15:40] if they behave well, they can upgrade to a 24-incher. Now, you know what? I wish I could get a bigger TV if I behave well. I feel like I am forced to behave. Clearly I behave well. I've never been sent to HMP Brinsford. Where's my telly? But I'm not sure this is going to work. Because if you give inmates a bigger TV, they'll just miss it more when they get released early because of the overcrowding. Do you know what I mean? If anything, you're making a rod for your own back. Oh, I feel sorry for some tourists.

[00:16:10] They've been stung. They've been duped by an online scam. Tourists have been caught out by an online listing for an overnight stay in No. 10 Downing Street. Pitched as just a four-minute stroll from the Houses of Parliament, the Booking.com ad had 14 requests within minutes. However, it turns out it's a hoax. No. Look, I feel sorry for people who are scammed. But that's such an obvious scam. It's a little bit on you, isn't it? Do you know what I mean?

[00:16:41] They thought, oh, you can stay at No. 10 Downing Street. You just book in and stay there. Not even Andy Burnham stays at No. 10 Downing Street these days. Now he's got his northern safe house. No one's staying there. It's kind of your own fault if you fell for that one. Hugh Jackman is helping fans live rent-free for a month despite struggling to sell his own property. I'm not going to have sympathy for him. I think he'll manage. The Wolverine star, he's done a couple of other things, but you're right. That really is what he's done, isn't it?

[00:17:10] Has teamed up with Built for its rent-free game show where members have the chance to win a month rent-free. That's no good to anyone, is it? It's not as if you can sell your place and buy another one the month later. Absolute waste. His involvement comes after his own lavish New York pad has been relisted for over £20 million. He struggled to flog it. Oh, where's my tiniest violin? We've got the world's time. Literally, Timu will sell you a very small violin. Can we get one of those?

[00:17:40] I think we might need one. So it's the 1st of September. Already, a new personal best. The Christmas stories are out in the tabloids. Great. Got this to look forward to. This year's Christmas chocolate tubs are going to be smaller than ever, researchers have found. Firstly, what a gig. I'm a researcher. What do you do? I eat chocolate. I'll get ready for Christmas. I eat chocolate. And how does that make research? I eat it and I'll measure it. I'll see how big it is.

[00:18:09] Cadbury's roses, Cadbury's heroes and Mars celebration containers are up to 14% smaller. It happens you get older, isn't it? Despite the price of cocoa falling. Ah, so it's not even like there's a reason for this. I think they've realized people are just stomaching shrinkflation and they're thinking, we'll get in on this. Well, it flipping happens.

[00:18:29] The majority of roses and heroes tubs on offer weigh just 475 grams rather than the 550 that people are used to. Wowzers. A tub of 550 celebrations has been replaced by a 500. Oh, I'm going to miss that 50. Andrew Moriarty, okay.

[00:18:51] A cocoa boff at commodities and analyst firm Exparna told the grocer, which is a magazine, or maybe it's just a dude. Firstly, the adage of high prices are the cure for high prices. Holds true. What? Second. Don't speak in riddles. You're being interviewed by the grocer magazine. When the grocer magazine calls up, you don't go, ah, there are two centuries on two doors.

[00:19:20] One always tells the truth and one must always lie. What are you talking about, man? Why don't I have as many chocolates you get? I skim through the rest of the audience. They're not saying it's because they're making more money. I think it's fairly obvious right from the offset that was about more money. So before we go, I did want to take this opportunity to thank someone who's been my producer through the summer due to the schooling thing. My four-year-old boy. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Have you enjoyed being a producer through this summer? Yay!

[00:19:50] Right. What's the best thing about being my producer? That's a tricky question. Having a laptop. Having a laptop? Yeah. You're right. I mean, it's not the most up-to-date one, but it does all you need, isn't it, in the production role? On your production desk over there. What else have you got on your production desk? Microphone. You've got a microphone, yeah. What else have you got on your desk over there? Keyboard. Yeah. What's this that you make me every day? You have to turn around and look. What's this you make me every day? Coffee.

[00:20:18] Oh, this is the best producer I've ever worked with. Thank you for being my producer this summer. Yeah. I love my computer. But why is it not turned on yet? Good point. Well made. Turned on now. And that's... And finally, that's about all we've got time for. Thank you for listening to a podcast that gets you the news. All the news you need and very much some other bits too in record time. Bosh, right in your ears. Subscribe to wherever you found this podcast. Thank you to the new subscribers as well.

[00:20:48] I think we've had a bit of an uptick. So big up your bad self to those people. Subscribe if you haven't done. Wherever you found this podcast, that's where to go back for more. Track me down on social media at Mr. Stephen Allen. And until next time. Thank you for listening to Stephen Allen Almost Daily. This podcast is part of Podomity, the UK's podcast comedy network. Why not laugh at what else we've got?

[00:21:18] Visit Podomity.com.