Heat Alerts and Floods

[00:00:00] Hello, I'm Steve N Allen and welcome to Steve N Allen Almost Daily. Hello, I'm Stephen Allen and welcome to Steve N Allen (almost) Daily. Hello. Let's do this thing. It's a Saturday special because I realised I'm bringing you the news. A little daily update of all the stuff you need to know. What happens on the weekend? What, you're meant to be not informed? Also, I've got a bit of extra spare time in the shed, so I thought, why not?

[00:00:26] Yes, I'm a shed dweller when I do this. Welcome along then to the podcast that gets you thoroughly up to date in maybe the shortest time ever. On a day when it's mainly about, which are the alert? Did you get the alert yesterday? The government alert telling us it's been warm recently? If you did, well done. If you didn't, bad news. You've just found out you've not been selected to survive the next apocalypse, which is a shame.

[00:00:51] There's not a lot you can do about it now, so I say that with a sense of glibness because I got mine bang on the first beep straight away. I've been chosen. Right, let's see your front pages. We start with The Guardian. Inquiry reopened into Farage's financial affairs. I mean, good, and I don't want to be, there's no partisan thing on this, surely. You can't have a system where inquiries go away if by-elections are called. Now, it's changed the goalposts somewhat, hasn't it?

[00:01:18] That even if the inquiry says, well, you face a suspension of potential by-election, he definitely then can say, done it, mate, in the bag. Not that that's how he talks. Well, already done. A by-election. And the people of Clacton have already went like that. That's how he talks. But yes, the attempt to, well, the way The Guardian phrases it, Nigel Farage's attempt to avoid inquiry into his financial affairs appears to have backfired. It's not backfired. It's fired. No, it's a thing. It's just how it should be.

[00:01:45] The reformed UK leader declared victory in the Clacton vote as he returned with an increased majority, saying he sucked two fingers up at the entire political establishment. The longer I try and do a Farage, the more John Peel it goes. He failed, however, to turn up to the count. I think we cover this elsewhere, somewhere on the world of media. It's because it doesn't look like a good victory when the people you're beating are all in fancy dress.

[00:02:15] Do you know what I mean? It's very much like me going to a school sports day, beating the kids who were all, last time our son had a sports day, they all had to dress as pirates. And I would have, you know, yeah, you can claim you came first. But when the other people you beat were all dressed as pirates, it wouldn't have been that much of a victory. Then there's the story of former Cambridge professor Jason Ardate found dead. I get the feeling it's not the topic we could make light of on a light podcast.

[00:02:43] Just thorough details of an analysis of the social study of this. I might do elsewhere. The front page of the iWeekend. Over 50 MOT. The seven signs you are aging better than you think. From standing on one leg to saying yes. Yes. Well, I can do that. Are we saying that I could potentially, I'm not over 50, but pretty soon, that the word yes might be beyond me. Yeah. Yeah.

[00:03:12] Well, it's a little bit of jaw movement, but. And standing on one leg, I'll go one better than that. I stand on two legs. Oh, how'd you like them old apples? Barbecue ban to stop new UK wildfires is their main story. REF's £50,000 wildfire buckets for dropping water are 2,000 miles away. Hmm. Missed it by that much. So this is the news. I think this must have been printed before we had the alert. Did you enjoy your alert? I was on a train station when it went off.

[00:03:41] And I, baby, I now recognize the sound from when we had the test a while ago. I didn't read the thing straight away. I just heard it. I'm like, this is the government warning thing. So I thought Putin had dropped the big one. I'm, you know, hugging strangers, trying to say to them, like, we've only got three minutes left. Let's make love. Twice. But then you shouldn't do that on a train station. And then I looked at the thing and it was saying, don't set fire to stuff. I'm like, yeah, I ain't going to do. It's fine. You know that meme?

[00:04:12] This meeting could have been an email. This national alerts could have been an email, couldn't it? I don't need an ear piecing. Like that. It's like an email going, oh, by the way, things are a bit dry out there. Oh, cheers. Yeah. And it just, it feels like if we're going to get national alerts for that, telling us not to have barbecues, then it's really lowered the bar on what we can have national alerts for. I'm a little bit worried it's going to be nonstop national alerts now. Kind of. Like when you get an amber weather warning. Oh, it's a bit snowy.

[00:04:42] Not this again. But at least I was happy that my alert went off in the first round. People later on were getting theirs. But they were getting, I was on stage on Saturday night. So as I was still on stage, all the way through the evening, even into like the 10 o'clock section, it was still going off. I've never been heckled by the government before. And it feels, felt personal eventually. So there we go. You're up to date on, you know. To be fair though, since they sent that alarm, I have not started a wildfire.

[00:05:12] So maybe I should stop moaning about it and admit maybe they know better than I am. The Times has Damien Lewis, why I'm in a band at 55. Well, it's just a midlife crisis. Thanks for setting it up as a question. The story of Jason Arday is on the front page. Burnham calls up the military to tackle fires. They say you've got to fight fire with fire. I wouldn't if I were them. If anything, that's the opposite of what the text said.

[00:05:38] Andy Burnham has sent in the army to fight wildfires raging across the tinderbox of Britain as homes were destroyed. Two trains were derailed. I was on the trains yesterday as well. Absolute nightmare getting home. Loads were cancelled. I think it's because in the heat, the trains no longer fit the tracks or something. We've really not got this nation nailed, have we? The front page of the Daily Telegraph. Men lose right to prostate cancer test. I mean, surely women have lost it too.

[00:06:06] I've not read the full details, but I tell you what will make me furious. I'm quite angry that men don't have the right to have these tests. But if women have them, ooh, I'll be irate. Let's read on, should we? Decision made behind closed doors is outrageous betrayal, says experts. Middle-aged men will be stripped of their right to tests that help detect prostate cancer under government plans. Men aged over 50, not long now, will no longer be entitled to a blood test.

[00:06:35] Oh, it's only a flipping blood test. Have we got to go back to the old way of doing it? I mean, I'm not saying no. I just want to be prepared. Experts have called the decision outrageous. Until now, many men over the age of 50 without symptoms have been entitled to a prostate-specific antigen, the PSA test, via their GPs. But new guidance removes that, right? But isn't the whole point of prostate things, it's not incredibly symptomatic until later on?

[00:07:04] Can you tell just by thinking how big your prostate is right now? I'll try. I'm not a great one at meditating. Let's have a think. Oh, no, I did a little wee. All right, no, sorry. I was thinking about the wrong bit. Wildfire emergency alert sent to millions. Oh, it is on the front page of The Telegraph. Good. No, front page. We've covered it now, don't we? Front page of The Mirror today. Back where we started. Farage returns as MP after pointless and costly by-election. He snubs vote count as he blasts his nobody rivals.

[00:07:34] There were loads of people. The one thing you can't say about that ballot is that it had nobody on it. Tons of them. I've played smaller gigs. I actually didn't say much about that, though, does it? Sleaze probe into £5 million gift from billionaire restarts. And The Star. Well, you'd think there's got to be something stupid and lighthearted on the front page of The Star. What kind of flippant thing have they got about seagulls or a footballer doing some nookie or something? No, no, no. A second trailer's derailed.

[00:08:03] Less than 24 hours after 20 people were injured in a similar accident, this train in Essex stayed upright. But still derailed. No, it's good that it's upright. But I'd like... Call me old-fashioned. But I like my trains on the rails. Indeed, the phrase gone off the rails, generally not a good one. And we can finish with The Daily Express. Delta's first Strictly steps. Delta Goodrem is in Strictly. There you go. Didn't know that. And Farage.

[00:08:32] I speak for the ignored. Nigel Farage has fired a defiant warning to his critics, vowing... We are only just getting... It's going so, John Peel, isn't it? Oh, it's so weird. I'll just get started. After the Clacton by-election. The reform leader accused the political establishment of trying to destroy his party. By doing what? What? By not taking part in it? All right, fair enough.

[00:09:00] We'll see as that story develops. Those are your Saturday front pages. Edwina Curry. In the news, former Tory minister Edwina Currie is defended, saying that a brothel should be opened near a village set to host asylum seekers. She was on Times Radio. Hey, look, come on, let's not show off about that. We're all on Times Radio. From time to time, she's on more than me. Although I did talk this morning. And we were talking about the...

[00:09:28] The thing we talked about for the entire story was basically the alert. I think I've just milked that one enough now, so we'll move on. She told Times Radio, The obvious thing 1,200 young men are going to need in a village like Piddington is a brothel. I have a feeling that isn't going to be allowed. I don't know. Let's not speak for the people of Piddington. I think, given that it's a small village of... What's the population of Piddington? It was like 350. 350.

[00:09:57] Whatever brothel provisions they currently have that's enough for 350 might not be enough for an additional 1,200. There's going to be a rotor. There's going to be a tight turnaround. I'm not really sure where we're going with this one. But look, it feels like... Is she sponsored by people traffickers? Because she wants both provisions for asylum seekers and more brothels. It feels like that's a double win, isn't it?

[00:10:25] Someone's double fisting on the take on that one. So there we go. But so far, I don't think she's necessarily volunteered. So it's not quite as altruistic as she makes out. There's a mental image we'll move on from. Robbie Williams featured in The Sun today. The headline is, I found out I have autism and ADHD. It explains a lot. And I never really know what to do with these stories. Because obviously, as a stand-up comedian, I know loads of people who are having what they call a late-in-life diagnosis of ADHD.

[00:10:54] But it feels like it's a biased sample. You know what I mean? Like, there's something wrong with you if you're a comedian. Remember, that's me saying it. I'm aware I can't be the full picnic if I want to spend my time driving around trying to entertain strangers with a handful of jokes before driving off lonely in a car. I mean, that's exactly what I want. So look, I just, because I'm Generation X, I fear the idea of getting a diagnosis. Because then, I don't know, it feels like you've got to do something with it. Do something about it.

[00:11:23] A stand-up comedian I was talking to pre-going on stage, he was saying he'd been diagnosed with ADHD. And he'd just started his meds. And he was saying that they were like low-dose amphetamines or something. And he said, but I think they've worked. I was really productive today. A lot of people would be productive if you'd pop them on speed, wouldn't they? Is that? This is not one of those cases where the diagnosis might not necessarily, or rather the proof of the treatment working might not be a diagnosis. I've only watched House.

[00:11:53] That's the level of expertise I have in diagnostician work. But anyway, so Robbie Williams, he says, I'm in decent nick now. Yeah, all right. The, um, the, if you, if you manage to be Robbie Williams, it feels like it wasn't holding you back too much though. Do you know what I mean? He's managed to be far more successful than I'll ever be. So maybe just take the win. I'm not saying you're not on a spectrum. I'm saying you're very much down the end where you've been able to function.

[00:12:23] You got to do a duet with Kylie in real life, not in the fantasy version that I did. So, you know, Mount Etna's at it again. The latest eruption drew crowds to Sicily as volcanic ash caused around 700 flights to be cancelled. Just, just to reframe that story. People are going to an active volcano. On the same week where we've had to tell people, don't stare right at the sun during an eclipse. No, no, I know the moon's moving its way in front of it,

[00:12:51] but it's still the sun for crying out loud. Don't. And then the next day there were stories of people in A&E because their eyes hurt. Right? So that, bearing in mind, that's what some people are like, not all people, but some people are like that. So should we all be letting people near a, a very active volcano? It feels like it's going to go badly. How is it that we live in a world where you get an alert going, it's quite dry. Watch out for those barbecues, but no alert saying, you know, that volcano, you know,

[00:13:20] the thing that for a while we thought might have been one of the things that caused the extinction of dinosaurs. That's how top tier extinction level event thing we're talking about. Yeah, go and have a look. Go and take a camera. Go on, take a selfie. And you know, people have done that. No one these days takes a picture of something without cramming their own big fat face in. Ah, we're doomed. A stash of gold worth 7.6 million pounds has been found sealed in the wall of a cellar by builders renovating a house. It was found by the builders. It wasn't sealed in,

[00:13:50] that's a very confusing sentence, isn't it? If there's a builder that would like to come around, renovate my house and stash 7.6 million pounds there of gold, I'd have some of that. But it's the other way around. They're doing a bit of build. Fair play though. If you were a builder, this is like the moral dilemma of if you find money on the floor, what do you do? But worse than that, if you were doing some building and you knock down a bit of a wall, it's not load bearing. And you're looking there, it's some,

[00:14:20] it looks shiny and quite golden. Let's have a look at that. Would you say to the owners, Oh, I found 7.6 million pounds worth of gold in your house. I can't know what the odds. Anyway, better get back at it. Or would you have a little chat over that cup of tea they've made you saying, do you, you got any idea what's in these walls? No. Where'd you move in? No, no, no idea. All right. Anyway, I've got to go and move. I'll be taking some rabble out in some very thick hold all bags. No, no problem. I'll take down the tip and keep 7.6 million. In fact,

[00:14:49] do you know what? It wouldn't be in the newspapers. So there's a strong chance that happens. There was me thinking, builders are really honest. Availability bias. We've got no idea how many builders have absolutely walked home with 7.6 million pounds worth in their. In fact, you probably have. They're the people who stopped being builders straight after. You're up to date. Beach goers are being warned. This could be you. Do you go to the beach? In which case you are being warned about dolphin attacks. After day trip,

[00:15:17] day trippers got too close to a new mother and a calf. Well, it's your own stupid fault then, isn't it? But officials say there have been numerous incidents around the UK of bottlenose dolphins ramming people. Oof. And trying to hold them underwater. This is more serious than I thought. I was going to make light of this. No, maybe just leave them alone. Isn't it weird how we've not really had the films warning us about dolphins? Sharks. Dun-dun. Dun-dun. What other animals? There's been films about bees.

[00:15:46] That's what happens to Macaulay Culkin at the end of My Girl, didn't it? Spiders, arachnophobia. We've been warned off by movies for all the animals. And yet, we only ever make dolphins look really nice and maybe quite clever. What we need is some sort of a horror film about killer dolphins. But it high a bit. That noise. That was better than I thought, actually. I thought I couldn't do a dolphin, but...

[00:16:17] Actually, that sounds like someone strangling a dolphin. And maybe that's the end of the film. I've just ruined it for you. So apologies. In golf news... Oh, that regular feature we do. A golfer has made a fool of himself after faking a hole-in-one during a tournament. Zach Holland... Oh, yeah, we're naming and shaming. Put a ball in the cup at the fourth hole before he teed off. Oh, so you've got to kind of fake it. This is like Eric Morkin, where you pretend to throw a ball in the air and then click the bag.

[00:16:45] Do we have a bag that I can reenact? There's bound to be a bag. No, because this is what you need in an audio podcast, isn't it? How are there no bags in this place? How did I bring things in here? There's a bin liner. I ain't doing that. It's got rubbish in it. You know, you throw up and then you click your hands and it's that, isn't it? He's done the golf version of the Eric Morkin joke. The golfer who plays at a near pro plus two handicap, well, you might want to look into that,

[00:17:11] completed the first three holes and then told his group he had to make a phone call because his grandmother was ill. And when the rest of the group arrived at the fourth, Holland coolly said he had had his shot but didn't know where the ball ended up. Oh, yeah, beautiful. And they've got to go, oh, look, it's in here. It would have been more impressive if it was in someone's wallet. Do you know what I mean? We can't find the ball. Yeah, check your wallet. No, we've only just met, haven't we? Yeah. Oh, it's a ball. Like that.

[00:17:48] And he said he's made a complete fool of himself before resigning from the club. He said, you do soothe something as dumb as I did. There are consequences. It's just golf. No, it's OK for there to be no consequences in golf. We can close off with a news alert I just got on my phone. Keeping you up to date, Heathrow Airport warns of major disruption because there's a massive flood there. I say that just because, well, it's bad news if you want to fly.

[00:18:17] It's good news if you want to use a disposable barbecue. I think I found the one place where you can actually get away from it. Also, I bet the grass around there is going to look good. Oh, I've reached that age. Imagine the state of the lawns around there. Yeah, yeah, bad, bad, bad that the A3 or whatever is closed off. But, oh, imagine the greenery. Verdant, so it will be. There's your news up to date. Hopefully you enjoyed a little Saturday update. I'll try and do some more of these if I get some shed time. Get subscribed. Oh, that chair rattled. Oh, it disagreed.

[00:18:46] You can subscribe to wherever you found this podcast for our speedy news updates through the week. You can get the YouTube version as well, or I prattle on for a little longer. YouTube.com forward slash at Mr. Stephen Allen. Some sub stacks are coming out as well. Sub stack.com forward slash at Mr. Stephen Allen. And that's, we're done. All present and correct. Till next time. Thank you for listening to Stephen Allen. Almost. Daily.

[00:19:11] This podcast is part of Podomity, the UK's podcast comedy network. Why not laugh at what else we've got? Visit Podomity.com.