Kemi Badenoch V Russia V Our Royals

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[00:00:28] Hello, I'm Stephen Allen and welcome to Stephen Allen Almost Daily. Yes, the podcast that gets you a swift dose of news, including today's top story, I imagine, is that channel smuggling gangs resort to mega dinghies as the crackdown limits small supply of boats, small boat supplies. So what you're saying is, just so I can get my head around this story before I lose my mind for the entire day, the reason they're using bigger boats is because we've got rid of all the small boats.

[00:00:57] Are they spinning this as a good thing? Is this not like, well yeah, we managed to crack down on the knife problem, got all the knives off the street, what happened? People turn up with swords. It's mainly like a sword epidemic we've got now, but we very much feel like we've cracked down on that knife thing. Anyway, let's take a look at your front pages. Let's take a look at the front pages then. I don't know how to open the website. Let's do this one. Let's take a look at today's front pages. The Daily Mail has chemi al slash benefits bill to boost defence. I've said this before.

[00:01:27] The solution is simple. You simply send in people on benefits in the event of a war. I mean, look, it's not a well thought through plan, but mathematically it makes sense, doesn't it? Instead of diverting money from benefits to defence, you simply say to the people on benefits, just in case it ever kicks off. We will send you in first. And in case it's unlikely to kick off, they probably agree. If it were to happen, I know what you're thinking. Are you treating people on benefits as cannon fodder?

[00:01:57] And that's a really good point. I'll stop. I'll stop suggesting it because I mean, I thought the biggest problem was the fact that it wouldn't always be a couple of steps would stop some on the little rascal things, you know, the mobility scooters. Then again, you do have a mechanized. I think actually the bigger point is that theory would not help anyone. The Times goes with middle class parents subsidizing 300,000 hidden needs, not in education, employment or training.

[00:02:23] And the problem with that is this is just the infantilization of society, isn't it? People who just don't grow up because why bother? Back when I was growing up, being a grown up was better than being a kid. And I'm not sure it is anymore. If you could stay at that adolescent age where your parents pay for everything and you spend all of your time not working. It feels pretty good.

[00:02:47] I mean, I would do it now, but obviously with my current situation, the only way I can live with my parents is to have to try and move into that graveyard. So maybe for them it's different is what I'm saying. The front page of the Telegraph. Tories will cut benefits to hit 3% on defense. And City warns Burnham of market chaos unless he reigns in spending. And he's not going to remain in spending. So great. We have to go through one of those phases in society where our life gets worse because of banks and things.

[00:03:17] That always feels annoying. I remember living through 2008 and all of a sudden we had a hard time because banks messed up. They were too big to fail. I mean, I was fat about it then. How was I not too big to fail as well? Why? This bothers me. Why is it we all had a worse? We had to bail out the banks. They made a mistake. We paid for it. And they still chained the pens to the desks. Like the big risk was that we might nick their pens. I think you should go to walk in a bank and take the flipping pen.

[00:03:48] It's not the biggest issue, is it? The Daily Express. Voters would punish if the triple lot goes. Oh, the triple lot pension. Yeah. Look, it's not the voters. The pensioners would punish you. But it's not like there are loads of pensioners who necessarily vote Labour anyway. And also, yeah. How long until there aren't pensioners? In as much as no one ever gets to quit. No one ever gets to be a pensioner.

[00:04:14] At some point, the triple lot will definitely go because we can't afford it. And no one will be in receipt of it. That was me dropping something in the bin. Not some ominous noise. Dong. The new feature I've got. The front page of the Star. There's more on this later in the podcast, actually. The Star is basically going to find aliens for us. It also has the story that Tiger Woods swerves jail time because he's done for you. He basically lost his driving license. Which is a golfer. Hey. Hey.

[00:04:44] And Britain's royals face Russian cyber threat in grey war, says the I. I don't want to be too harsh here, but I worry that things are getting pretty tense across certain parts of Europe. And there is a chance that Russia might try and in some way attack. They won't go for an obvious military attack on something as high up in NATO as the UK. What with our nuclear defense? Of course not. Of course not.

[00:05:09] Other analysts will say things like the biggest incursion would likely to be in an area of Poland and it would be testing NATO. But I think there's another chance that what Russia will do is attack our royals and they will hack the computers of our royals. That's probably fine. I'll cope with that. I'll cope with that. Oh, what? The king can't reply to emails today? Absolutely. I would be fine with that. I'll let you into secret.

[00:05:38] The king very rarely emails me. I'm in regular email communication with the prince in Nigeria and yet our own king does not bother. So what does it show about the way that our king treats his subjects? Which is weird because sending an email, you do need a subject. And I think we've done all the thinking we can do on that topic. Those are your front pages. Let's jump inside. In depressing news, you get this one. Phone thief let out after 20 years. That's interesting, isn't it?

[00:06:07] Because at the same time, most of the news today is about people coming out of prison early on the early prisoner release scheme. And I keep saying the universe requires balance. And you get phone thieves left in prison for 20 years under these indefinite release ones, which was David Blunkett's greatest regret, apparently. And he famously had an affair. So it just goes to show. Then again, I'm not casting besmirchment on the good name of people who have affairs. I think, no, you are allowed to do that.

[00:06:35] But the idea that small crimes like this, if you're a bit of a wrong'un, literally they attempted what all those people say. Oh, I'd throw away the key. They came up with a system which was basically throwing away the key. And it's ended up somehow that a phone thief can be in prison after 20 years. And yet someone who's found guilty of manslaughter will be out early. As I said, not like the most happy news to bring you. Meghan Markle news. Get used to it. There'll be loads now. Now that they're living over here.

[00:07:04] And they tried to sue some newspapers. The newspapers, I imagine, might still remember that. Meghan Markle celebrated the start of her new chapter by moving to the UK by promoting champagne, but not actual champagne. And it just goes to show the difference. What by promoting they mean? Like she posted a thing on Instagram, uploaded a snap from her new sparkling wine range, from her as ever brand on Instagram. She posted a picture with a caption, a new chapter to celebrate.

[00:07:34] And it just goes to show how different our lives are. Because she posts on Instagram her own sparkling wine. And if I have to celebrate anything, I have to show yet another picture of me on Twitter in the park with cider. And it's almost the same, isn't it? It's amazing how it's almost the same, but not quite. She said, this elegant sparkling wine is made for gathering, toasting and savouring life's beautiful moments. And I'd have to have a caption, something like, the magistrates let me go. You know, it's almost the same is what I'm trying to say.

[00:08:03] Are you interested in going to see the Bayer tapestry thing? We've got it now temporarily. And there's a picture in the newspaper of King Charles and Andy Burnham stood there looking at it, but stood next to Emmanuel Macron. That must be embarrassing. Do you know what I mean? Because it's all about those people kind of having a row, but not their version. Back in the day, the older version of the French one and the older version of the English one really just did not get on and they've sown about it. And that's what the Bayer tapestry is.

[00:08:33] It must be a bit like when you're sat watching Channel 4 and rude scenes come on and your parents are there. Yes, that's what the king must be thinking. Don't tell me how it ends. But anyway, there you go. It's a tapestry that shows loads of boats arriving into England. I wonder if that made it even more awkward if they brought that up. You know, I love a good tabloid. Yeah, I love a front page news, but I love the nonsense inside the tabloids.

[00:09:00] But this is almost too peak nonsense even for me. The Daily Star is running a special feature on working out if there's any aliens or not. They do a lot of alien stories. And I guess it's a little bit like the National Enquirer or whatever American tabloids are. Stories like that, I guess, do well, even though it's useless news. Anyway, the Daily Star is set to change the course of humanity by finding aliens. They expect to discover E.T. lurking in the vast oceans beneath the icy crust of Jupiter's moon.

[00:09:30] Fair enough. But why is the Daily Star trying to get to Jupiter's moon? Our juice spacecraft is hurtling towards them at 30,000 miles an hour packed with scientific equipment. I mean, it's not you're not NASA. You're the Daily Star. How are you experts on space? There's a stronger chance of the Daily Express proving the existence of an afterlife, given the average age of their readers. Do you know what I mean? It feels like we don't need to follow this one too closely.

[00:09:58] Vodafone in the news, they've launched a new VIP lane. Ooh, sounds fancy. Tell me more. They've done it so that it could put an end to poor coverage on packed trains and inside stadiums. All right. Because so far it seems like that's what you should expect. I do get annoyed when companies launch VIP services. Like, oh, what do you get on the premium package? Oh, the very basics that you should expect. All right. The Supermobile plan gives customers their own fast slice of a mobile network.

[00:10:27] For an extra fee of £12 a month, the firm will offer services up to four times faster than the standard plans guaranteed to work in areas. Right. So again, I revert back to, I thought that's what I was getting when I bought the darn thing. This mobile phone, here's all these buttons. Right. And I can use this to make calls. Can you? Oh, sweet mercy. No, no, you're on the normal person plan. You need to upgrade to the actually usability plan. Still, at least it's not the three network. Entertainment news again.

[00:10:57] Less than a year after their American farewell tour, The Who are back rehearsing. Right. And not only that, they fired the drummer, Zach Starkey. He's back. Do they all? Look, I know their memory can get somewhat intermittent at that age. Do they forget? Roger Daltrey has confirmed that there will be more shows. But you did a farewell tour. Well, listen, I'm grateful that we'll still get the opportunity to enjoy the great music of The Who.

[00:11:27] But at the same time, part of me, a stickler for grammar, thinks, no, no, no, you do a farewell tour. That's it. Like the same rules to do with making a business go bankrupt. You can start again, but you need a different name. In fact, to be honest, they should just be called The When. Because you've done the who part of it, and you're already famous now, so we've answered that one. And now we don't know when you're going to stop, so The When would be a good title. Roger, if you're listening and I know you're a big fan of the show, you can have that one. Here's the choice, men.

[00:11:55] We need to decide whether we want to be fat or bald, apparently. I think I can manage to multitask in that department. But weight loss jabs can make men lose their hair by triggering the baldness gene, according to experts. 2.5 million people in the UK are now taking Wegovi, Monjaro, or any of those. Hundreds have reported thinning on top as a side effect. But the reason has not been scientifically understood. Researchers now claim that the GLP-1 gene targeted by the jams... What?

[00:12:24] Don't have jam, it makes the worst thing. It's the opposite of what you need if you want to lose weight. The jabs linked to male pattern baldness. In the study, from DNA from nearly 240,000 men in the US looked at... Basically, this is how it works. Now, I have... I reckon, given a choice between... This is difficult, isn't it? Would you... I mean, you can eat less and be less fat. You can't really do much diet-wise and get more hair. But you can get more hair added on. I'm very much thinking of it.

[00:12:52] It won't be long, I reckon, until I'm having some sewn in. But given a choice between being fat and bald... You can slap a wig on, can't you? But you can't... It's like Russ Abbott wore a fat suit. You can't wear it the other way around. Alright, I think I've picked a side. Lovely story in the news about a couple who had their wedding reception at Weatherspoons, costing them around £20. No way. Listen, I'm sure that Weatherspoons is affordable. You spend more than that if you're going just on your own, don't you? The parking alone nearby... Anyway, Michelle, 47, and Brad, 41...

[00:13:25] wanted a low-key do with 16 paying guests. Oh, they were paying, I see. After they... It only cost them 20 quid. Alright, let's see how this works. But the pair who met in 2024 pulled some tables together and shared a pitcher of vodkas with Monster Energy Drink. Russell, you have found a keeper. Keep this woman. Hang on to her. Imagine you've married someone who's willing to have a £20 wedding reception. Oh, the pressure just melts off you, doesn't it?

[00:13:54] But at the same time, it seems a shame not to get divorced because imagine how cheap that divorce would be. You'd be setting records all round, mate. That's about all we have time for in today's podcast. Please feel free to subscribe to wherever you found this and get regular newsy updates. The easier way to consume your news is this podcast. Get yourself subscribed to it and I'll keep trying to tickle your ears with regular releases. Go to youtube.com forward slash at MrStevenAllen for an interesting video version of this stuff.

[00:14:23] Plus, I think I might be all I have to plug. No, of course there is a merch store these days. If you go to YouTube, you can get a t-shirt that's based on one of the cakes I once ate live on the internet. I mean, now I say it like that, why would you? But anyway, the ball's in your court. And until next time. Thank you for listening to Stephen Allen Almost Daily. This podcast is part of Podomity, the UK's podcast comedy network.

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