King v Earl

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[00:00:30] Hello, I'm Steve N Allen and welcome to Steve N Allen Almost Daily. Hello and welcome to the podcast that gets you all of the news you need in very short order. On the day when, I've not even checked but it's a solid guess, it is yet another day of Earl Spencer. Charles versus Charles. Just as a quick reminder by the way, this is a news story that is an Earl versus a King. And we, you know, working class types are meant to care about this.

[00:00:58] But to be fair, I did sit down and watch Game of Thrones, which is basically the same. Slightly more violent, but we'll see where this one ends up. Meanwhile, let's take a look at your front pages. The Sunday Express kicks off nice and cheerily. Lives at risk as illegal knives flood into UK. The shocking number of illegal lives being seized in Britain's borders could just be the tip of the iceberg. I mean, true, but the problem is, this is the problem with knife crime in general.

[00:01:27] The illegal knives, not good. But even if they didn't have illegal knives, we'd still have knives. You know what I mean? But this is not a world where we have rounded edged scissors everywhere. You know, food prep means people are getting knives. That's part of it. Then again, the other story on the front page is the wait is over. Now, it's strictly business. Pages two and three for in-depth analysis. I've not opened the newspaper, but I'm presuming it's not in-depth. There'll be a thousand words and big pictures of people with their legs out.

[00:01:55] But I don't think I'd rather need to read about the knife crime. The Observer. Careless. The state stopped me learning the story of my childhood. This is the top boy actor on her quest to retrieve her care files. Wow. I'm amazed by the Observer's front page. Never really seems to be like the most gripping story. Like, if you didn't already know about it, would you be interested? Maybe the sales these days is less to do with the front page.

[00:02:23] Anyway, the Times, meanwhile, goes with, in the magazine section, Sylvester Stallone, Donald Trump and me. I wonder what they got up to. Naughty. At his age, you imagine the mattress would have been left wet whether they wanted it to or not. Eww. Hypocrite Spencer is peddling Diana's privacy, says King's Allies. I would rather they do it this way. By getting the Allies to brief against. That's what you expect. None of this.

[00:02:51] I'm a big fan of the never explain, never complain. And I think they should have stuck to that. We didn't need anything official out of Buckingham Palace from this. Because also, I like to use that in my life. If anyone asks me, where were you last night? Never explain, never complain. And now I can't copy that. It's harsh, isn't it? Pip benefits double by 2030. Let's zoom in to see what the stats on this are like.

[00:03:16] Britain is expected to be spending £19 billion a year more on disability benefit payments by the end of the decade. This is the Office for Budget Responsibility. Although I was listening to an interesting interview talking about how the OBR is kind of not fit for purpose anymore. It used to have loads of good data when it was in London. They moved it to Newport. They lost, like, was it 70% of the staff? And now they don't know anything. They've got a clue.

[00:03:45] The Bank of England has had to start doing its own research and surveys. So, is this a time to worry about this? Then again, if these PIP payments are keeping people in work, the economy would be worse if we weren't spending it. But I don't know if that original assumption is true. Back to the front pages where we can look at, what's this, the Sunday Telegraph? PM fiddles as Putin threatens to burn Europe. Really mangling that well-known phrase. Then again, she probably could have got more confused and mentioned Cafe Nero.

[00:04:14] The Andrew living in limbo over police inquiry. Interesting to see a royal story that's not Prince versus Earl. He's a king these days. I forget about the upgrade. And do you do that thing where someone says the Queen visited and why? Oh, my. What? Do they resurrect her? Did they have some sort of spell? Is she a zombie? Did she tell her? One wants brains. And it's not. There's another Queen now. I really should keep on top of this stuff.

[00:04:40] Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor feels he is living in limbo as he waits for the long-running police investigation on him to conclude. Well, let's not rush towards the end, mate. That's that kind of thing where you enjoy the fact that you're not in prison or something now. There's the front page. Well, there's the story about the UK faces Caribbean lawsuit over slavery reparations. There's a clip of me talking about that online from the TV today, if you want it.

[00:05:09] But it's not every day you get gaslit by the king. I'm doing the wrong impression. I don't know. I don't have an Earl Spencer. But Earl Spencer now said that the king is gaslighting him, which is the go-to thing in rouse. When someone's disagreeing with you and you say something, they go, no, it's not. Oh, you gaslighted me. Because it means you get to be the victim. It's really good. I can teach you how. The Sunday people. Pharmacies failing on diet pills, but the AI in failing is AI.

[00:05:39] Manipulated images used to cheat BMI review. Oh, wow. Firstly, I feel like an idiot for not realizing this. Secondly, people are uploading pictures of themselves to make them look fatter so you can get, you can qualify for diet pills. Now, obviously, as a responsible broadcaster, I would say don't do that as an irresponsible middle-aged man. Might get myself some of that monjoro. No, because I've had some hair installed.

[00:06:07] When that grows in thick, there's no way I'm not getting thinner, is there? Come on. This midlife crisis is going to be tasty. Front page at the start. Razor, as in Razor Ruddock. Footy needs more hard men. Does it? Fair enough. I don't care either way. Now I'll read the darn thing. Football hard man Neil Razor Ruddock says today's players aren't as tough as they were in his day, and it's made football boring. I mean, I don't watch football.

[00:06:36] I consider it boring anyway. But I suppose it's not like the era of big names. David Beckham, Wayne Rooney. But these were not hard men of football, were they? There's only really Vinnie Jones, isn't there? Other than that, they're all great big softies. They do spend more time doing their hair than their partners do. But at the same time, give me a couple of months for this to grow in. I'll spend more time doing my hair. So let's not judge. And the I, not a real newspaper. Sorry, the Independent, not a real newspaper, but voters across Britain backing rejoining EU.

[00:07:06] Oh, let's do one of those. I don't think we're quite split in twain as much as we could be. Can we have another referendum and see how we get on? Because right now we seem to be able to have fights over the lifeboats. So let's see how we get on if we have something really contentious. And those are your front pages. Let's get inside the news. Worrying news that hospital admissions linked to laughing gas are back at near record levels, despite the ban being brought in. This is according to new NHS figures.

[00:07:36] There were 781 admissions to hospital in England where doctors recorded a diagnosis linked to nitrous oxide. And this is, look, seriously. Hey, kids, don't do drugs. I don't know. A lot of kids taking their life advice from this podcast. But at the same time, part of me thinks in big high doses you might get in the hospital bad. In little doses, if it does make you laugh, would it kill the venues I perform at just to release a little,

[00:08:03] not loads, just a little, little soupçon, if that's the phrase. Little top notes. I don't know what it smells like. And I'm hoping it doesn't smell like anything at all so no one can tell. Just into the audience, just into the auditorium. Just a little bit like in the 1980s Tim Burton Batman where Joker has that. But not a purple gas. Sweet mercy note. A colourless, odourless, invisible, scentless gas that just makes people laugh a bit more. Or I could write better jokes.

[00:08:33] But there's something about this first idea, isn't there? The US and Denmark have entered a security deal on Greenland. Woo! Imagine that being a story back in the day. Imagine if that, if obviously you wouldn't be a Donald. Oh, Donald Trump version one. Or who's in between? Joe Biden. If it was like Joe Biden has a deal with Denmark over Greenland and the headlines would be like, oh, great. But because Donald Trump went heavy on it first, they're eating the dogs like a dog.

[00:09:03] We want Greenland. We want all of Greenland. We will invade Europe. It will be the best invasion. Every time I do that, it goes a bit more droopy dog. I'm aware of that. But everyone would be, everyone would have been like, oh, who cares? There's some sort of deal to do with the thing we forget. It's too icy there. But because he opened, his opening salvo was, I want to have all of the dogs or whatever the thing was, right? And they're eating droopy dog. Now we care. And now it seems like he's achieved the deal.

[00:09:31] But the deal is no one that he wanted but to just have that as another state in America. And it's classic Trump going ridiculously high. So the thing you actually end up with looks like not too much of an ask in comparison. This basically, I feel sorry for Melania because most negotiations in that relationship must start with him being like, I want to have a threesome. And she'll be thinking, do you mean you want me to cook pie tonight? Is that where we're going to settle on? Because you've opened with threesome again.

[00:10:00] And that is not what you want. Totally, they're eating the dogs. I want to have the best threesome, the biggest threesome. They're very, very sorry. Anyway, you're up to date. I don't know if this is a story to file under I don't believe a word of it or good serves them right. But the taxman may have to start analysing our wee. Wow, I didn't realise. I do a self-assessment but I didn't realise I was meant to send a bottle of that with it. I will if they want.

[00:10:30] No, the tax bosses may check our wee to work out how many people are secretly smokers. The bizarre idea comes from official estimates that £1.3 billion in tax revenue is lost by tobacco users because they get some dodgy cigs. Instead of paying all of the duty and all the other stuff that should be on top of it. And to work out how many... Here's what I don't understand though.

[00:10:54] If they do analyse our pee-pee and find out that there's still quite a lot of, I don't know, nicotine in our wee tinkles. What are you going to do about it then? Then you know how much money you're missing. Well done. So now you're definitely sure you're missing out on money and your office is filled with bottles of stuff you don't want. It very much feels like they've not followed this through. But at the same time, people working for HMRC have to go and collect bottles of wee wee. It seems fitting.

[00:11:24] I'm okay with it. Generation Z. Apparently, they're turning their back on modern designs and they want their homes to resemble a grand's house. According to a survey, Britain's youngsters like... This is... They've looked at TikTok basically. And they like the kind of interior designs that a grand's house has. Wow. But then I realise, is this really what they want? Or are they just dropping big hints at the grand's to see who the house gets left to in the will? Is that what's happening here?

[00:11:54] Gen Z's going, oh, I'd love a place like this. Oh, what's that? Knick-knacks in the window. Oh, you've got a knitted thing that covers your toilet roll. Oh, I'd have one of those. They're just dropping hints about who wants to have the house, isn't it? Because to be fair, it is the only way they all get a house. You're up to date. A little bit of AI news. You know I like to do it every day. AI Terminators are set to kill all of us according to... Now, this is going to make a big difference, isn't it? According to.

[00:12:22] Because if it's according to an expert in AI, I'm going to hide under this desk. Anyone else? I'm going to mock them. Are you ready? AI Terminators are set to kill us all according to... British boxing icon Derek Chisora. Okay, well... Has he... Since quitting boxing, has he become an expert in AI? No. No. So it's just basically a random bloke who knows nothing about AI, says AI is going to kill us. Well, it might do.

[00:12:48] But this is up there with me moaning about the fact that the newspapers will have a massive headline like Danny Dyer says aliens are real. All right. Okay. So what? It is like, let's find someone who's definitely not an expert. I know Michael Gove said we're done with experts. But can we stop asking Derek Chisora things about AI? There's experts and then there's taking it too far. Um, the 42-year-old who 40s, 50... Oh, he's still... Oh, he's still getting hit in the head.

[00:13:17] He reckons that AI is coming for us. I don't know why he's worried. It's people like me who won't be able to fight them off. He's got a good head start on me. Actual headline in the newspaper, paperboys are now old news. So apparently we don't have as many paperboys anymore. Okay. I'd forgotten they were a thing in case anyone else is confused. Less than half of today's teenagers have got traditional weekend jobs, including being a paperboy. Well, that's not a weekend job, is it? Unless you want to get weekend newspapers.

[00:13:46] But no one should be surprised by this. Because not only do newspapers, they're freely available in shops. You can go and buy them. Plus also no one reads newspapers anymore. It's literally... Obviously in a newspaper, they're going like, I can't believe people don't have boys delivering these things. And everyone else is like, are you aware you always publish your stuff online as well? The paperboy exists, but he's now provided by BT Openreach. Do you know what I mean?

[00:14:16] I don't know why we're surprised. It is a little bit like saying, there aren't as many alchemists as there used to be. No. No. Quick mention of this story that David Williams, his entire back catalogue has been dropped by HarperCollins following allegations of inappropriate behaviour. And I mention this just because it means I can mention books. So he no longer has a publisher. And what's that? You're asking, have I got any books out? Oh, I'm glad you asked. So this weekend I've released a book.

[00:14:45] Now, obviously self-published. I'm aware of my worth. But I've published a book. Now, what's it about, Steve? It's not. It's a colouring book. You think I'm joking. I'm not. I've genuinely... You can order it on Amazon. You search for Stephen Allen's Almost Coloured In. And I've got a colouring book where you can colour in big pictures of my face. And trust me, with a face like this, you will get through a lot of crayons. I should have sold crayons with it. I could have made some money on this. Should have thought about it. Well, there you go, David Williams.

[00:15:13] Just because you don't have a publisher doesn't mean you can't fill the internet with absolute trash. That's what I'm proving. This is terrible. The government is stepping in to save Britain's 2027 Eurovision entry. The UK's dismal record at the song contest continued this year with the look, mum, no computer thing, whatever it's called. And now the Digital Media and Sports Committee are looking into why we pick such bad songs.

[00:15:39] Firstly, oh, I'm glad everything else the government needs to be paying attention to is fixed. Oh, all the problems sorted, are they? So you can bother paying attention to the Eurovision. If not, could whoever's involved in this committee, could you not worry about the Eurovision and try and, I don't know, sort out inflation or make the NHS... And one of them. Do one of them, would you? And also, don't make the Eurovision good. The whole reason it is enjoyable is that we as a nation...

[00:16:08] Have made some of the best music ever, ever, ever. You know, no one's bigger than the Beatles and we claim those. No one's bigger than... Listen to all the artists. David Bowie, All My Days. Blur. Oasis. Massive. Right, so we are really good at making music. But the one thing we do as almost a joke is send some absolute pile of tut over to do the Eurovision. Because then we lose and we're like, yeah, yeah, all right.

[00:16:36] If we sent over some good music and still lost because no one likes us, we'd really have to start dealing with something. So could we not do that would be my advice. Right, that'll do for now. There's enough news to keep you going. You can find me on social media at MrStevenAllen. Genuinely, there is the Colouring In Book. If you'd like to colour my face, search on Amazon for Stephen Allen's Almost Coloured In. Or just message me on social media. Of course I'll send you a link.

[00:17:02] There's also the YouTube thing Monday night for the next nighttime streaming show. YouTube.com forward slash at MrStevenAllen. Subscribe to this podcast where you found it. And until next time. Thank you for listening to Steve N Allen (almost) Daily. This podcast is part of Podomity, the UK's podcast comedy network. Why not laugh at what else we've got?

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