Men, Don’t Donate!

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[00:00:28] Hello, I'm Steve N Allen and welcome to Steve N Allen Almost Daily. Welcome to the podcast that gets you sorted with the news, although on the BBC News website today they've got this feature. Just how hot and dry was your summer? Use our postcode lookup to find out. Right, I, um, I don't need to. I actually live in my postcode, so I live in my house. I can tell you how dry it was. I was here, you idiots. What do you think?

[00:00:56] Do you think I wasn't paying attention, the BBC? That's more licence fee well spent. Meanwhile, let's take a look at the front pages. Let's walk through the front pages for the 25th of September, or whatever date it is. Friday, is it? I think it was like a Friday. The Times goes with targeted energy bill help to head off winter cost of living crisis. When it says target, is it me that's targeted on that? I often don't like being targeted, but this seems like a nice thing. Can I have some of that, please?

[00:01:22] Ministers are drawing up plans for some targeted help with energy bills for poorer households in the budget. Do I count as that? I'm trying to make a living from podcasts, so I might. John Healy, the Chancellor, has asked officials for options to cushion. I'll say they don't know yet. If you are one of the ministers about to give options, podcasters probably need some help. Well, men looking for love should give to charity, but only £40. Says this.

[00:01:49] I mean, it's a front page story on the Times, but it feels like a scam, doesn't it? Already it feels like, according to research by one of the... I tried to think of a charity and I couldn't think of one. What's the one who does the shops? Off. Oh, man, my brain's really going. No, because I was going to say the other one, like the scoop one that we had in Mansfield when I was growing up, but I don't know if you can say that these days. The charity. Man alive.

[00:02:17] Open your heart, but not your wallet. Women are less attracted to men who are too generous, according to a study. Women looking for long-term partners tend to prefer men who were willing to give to charity, but only up to a point. This is so easily analysed by some sort of evolutionary biology, but it won't be popular. But, of course, you want someone who doesn't hoard everything for himself, but someone who doesn't give away all of the assets you wish to also have access to. Is that not it? It is it, but it's not going to be popular, that analysis. But I think it's absolutely bang on the money. Off.

[00:02:50] Name of charity. The one that got in trouble in Africa. Charity. I'm Googling it now. I can't even spell charity, and it's not coming up as an autocorrect thing, which is a bad sign, isn't it? The fact that it's not one of my previously searched terms. Charity in UK. Here we go. It's coming at you. The RSPB. That is not the one I was thinking of. Give me some logos. Save the children. Cancer research. No, the one-word one that got in trouble. This is embarrassing.

[00:03:20] Why is my brain not working? Top ten charities, according to the Register of Charities. It's got to be in here, isn't it? Man, why was it dropped out of the top? The Arts Council of England. Can't surely be higher than the one that's on the high street. There's literally one just around the corner from where the Costa is where I live. I'm going to have to do this search, aren't I? Charity in the UK. Got in trouble in Africa.

[00:03:54] Oxfam. Oh, that feels better. You have no idea the pressure that has just been lifted from my brain. Oxfam. Sad that you have to search for that for it. But anyway, let's not worry about it. Meanwhile, Met Chief. Stop putting offenders before victims. Sir Mark Rowley attacks justice system after paedophile twice bailed back to the scene of his crimes. Well, back to his house that was next to a playground, wasn't it? Flip it. Do the maths. It's not even that difficult. You don't even need anything more than Google Maps.

[00:04:24] All right, off you go home. Let's just take a quick look about where you live vis-a-vis where the kids are. It's also a bit cheeky, isn't it? Sir Mark Rowley saying, you know, stop putting offenders before victims. Maybe you should also have a crack at that. The front page of the, what we've got here, the Daily Mail. Plague of dazzling LED headlights that led to Jenny Murray's death. Oh, do you know what I've ranted about? It's those xenon bulb things. I tried to buy some for my car because I'm a hypocrite and I wasn't allowed them.

[00:04:52] I was allowed halogen ones, slightly brighter because I've got a very dull headlight. And I've been driving around embarrassed about how much it doesn't seem I've got my headlights on in comparison to other people. So I've literally got bulbs that won't last that long because they're burning brighter than they should. They're legal, but all the others that you could buy would be illegal. And I wanted to get through my MOT. I do need to book an MOT. You're here for the, I'm showing you how the sausage is made. But we need to do something about that. Other people are absolutely blinding us out there.

[00:05:23] Meanwhile, Labour's army of migrants revealed 83,000 small boat arrivals since the general election now outstrips the strength of the British Army. I suppose it's a milestone. You imagine, well, actually, one of them's living in our barracks as well. No, actually, the more you look at this, the more maybe it is worrying. The Guardian, two year delay in assessments of autism due to pressures on the NHS.

[00:05:51] But then there was that story recently about the number of private diagnoses of ADHD has gone through the roof, which is all very well if you're posh. For the rest of us, we're waiting for stuff. Tactical votes could put reform in fourth. I hate it when people moan about tactical voting because, you know, they would be in favour of tactical voting if it weren't for them. It bothers me when there is such obvious bias. It's not even confirmation bias at that stage, is it?

[00:06:20] It is just my team versus your team bias. She sets out terms to keep peace with US. A fairly obvious joke about this on Twitter the other day, saying that Donald Trump said that their meeting went well. But who do you believe? It's a bit of a he said, she said. All right, we'll move on. The Independent, not a real newspaper. Trump and she clash over AI at tense state visit. Well, that's not what I read before. I read it was a good meeting. Who do you believe? I suppose it's a case of he said, she said.

[00:06:49] I didn't think that would come back, but it did. The what's on the front page of the Telegraph. Fines kept in care home illegally. Oh, this is the explorer, Sir Arnold Fines, being deprived of his liberty. Oh, it's so terribly sad. Oh, we won't make jokes about that. Downing Street aides push Burnham to call early election. I should have put some money on it. I, when been invited onto various media outlets, I was thoroughly predicting an early election.

[00:07:17] As soon as there's enough of a Burnham bounce and not enough chickens have come home to roost yet, that would be the time to go. So get the upshoot before you get back on the downfall. Yeah. What else have we got here? Financial Times. She urges rivals to coexist in peace as Trump hosts White House visit. Yeah, but who do you believe? The I goes with NHS corridor care killing 550 people every week. The way they phrase it does make it seem like it's a design problem with the hotels.

[00:07:48] If they have made those corridors, if they put more plug sockets in the corridors, you might go on with it. No, it's embarrassing that we have to treat people. The corridor is not a room, is it? Now, we once stayed in a cottage where you had to go through one of the bedrooms to get to the other bedroom. Technically, you could then call that not a corridor if you put a bed in it. Maybe they've got you. Yeah, I've not really looked into what's the difference between an antechamber and a vestibule, but there might be something in that. And the metro. Now pay through the nose.

[00:08:18] Oh, facial recognition at Tils. I ranted about this previously. Oh, I'm a day ahead of the metro? I don't want to pay with facial recognition. It's a beep with a watch or you can get a ring that does it these days. I like the idea of that. I miss the old days when if you pay with money, if someone mugs you, they take your money. If you pay with your face, if someone mugs you, they're going to take your face off. I'd rather lose my wallet than my face. And I know it's not even a good face, but it still is mine and it's the best one I've got.

[00:08:48] And you can buy another wallet. You see my point on this one? Them's your front pages. Let's get inside the news. There are some thoughts that I have which I think to myself, you can't put this in the show. I don't know what's wrong with my brain, but I'll bring it to you to show what it's like living with my brain. So there's the headline. 781 migrants land on busiest day of the year. Because it was nearly 800 illegal migrants arrived in Kent.

[00:09:14] And my brain thought you could say, well, it's out of term time now, isn't it? So it is cheaper to go away. That's not the take. It's what I have to live with in my brain. Anyway, back into proper news. They have done that thing again of adding new phrases to the dictionary. Why? We've got enough words, haven't we? I don't even know all the books. There are some of those big ones Susie Dent keeps coming out with. I've not even caught up with those. I don't know what a flibbity gibbet. You know, those ones. I don't know what a mount a bank is.

[00:09:45] Meanwhile, they've added the phrase from the Gavin and Stacey TV show, now in a minute. Even though it's mocked in the show for not making sense. You either do it now or you do it in a minute. I don't know. I don't think it should be added because I don't know that phrase. It's hardly really in common use, is it? But I agree with the sentiment. Because whenever my missus says, can you take the bins out? And I say, yeah, I'll do it now. And I do it in a minute. No way. It takes me a little time to warm up to anything these days.

[00:10:15] Anything that I'm saying I'm doing now, give yourself a minute. Otherwise, you'll be ready too early. In almost football news, or at least as close to football news as I get, because it's about a footballer. Former Tottenham footballer. All right, former Tottenham footballer. But Sebastian Bassong has been accused of evading a £7 tube ride fare. He had a dodgy travel card. It's difficult on this one because I think that's, look, it's terrible. It's one of the things that winds me up the most.

[00:10:43] Because when I'm using the tube and some little oik tries to scooch him behind me and I'm always filled with anger. Like, oh, I wish I'd have spotted him sooner or I'd have slowed up and he'd have got stuck in the gate. And he'd been like, oh, I'm stuck in the gate. And I'd have been like, yeah. How do you like that? I'm paying my money to go in here. You back off, you absolute scumbag. But when someone else, when you read the story, you think, well, there's no way you're deliberately meant to get out of £7. Well, the guy's a millionaire. And it seems like he was handed a wrong... This is the problem, is it?

[00:11:12] He was apparently given a card that didn't really work properly. It wasn't registered to him. It hadn't been used since 2025. Something went wrong with the card. But I'm sorry, I need to live by my principles. No, you need to be sent to the Isle of Man. And these are my principles, by the way. Anyone who does annoying crimes, let's send them to the Isle of Man. I'm never going to go there, so I don't mind. And, you know, I don't know what kind of public transport they have over there, but I don't think they've got a tube with barriers for them to get through. So it's win-win.

[00:11:40] A tricky picture to try and understand in the newspapers today. There is actor Brad Pitt and his girlfriend Inez de Ramon. I imagine that's how it's not pronounced. A festival, and she seems to be kind of shouting at him. She's in a mood. Now, look, that's not news, is it? Her partner seems to be in a mood with their man. That's not what I call news. That's everyday life. But it's not about me. The point is, their age gap makes this interesting. He's 62 and she's 33.

[00:12:07] Now, in general, it is true that if you are grumpy with your partner, it is the major indicator that you're about to get split up, right? They did studies. The major indicator of divorce is speaking to your partner with contempt. But he could use this age gap to his advantage, couldn't he? Because she's not going to know. She's like literally half his age. So he could say, you should treat me with respect, not because I'm your partner, because I'm your elder. Oh, I fought in the war for you.

[00:12:37] She's not going to know he's not old enough to fight in the war. Young people don't have a clue. If I had an age gap like that, I'd be pretending I fought in the war war. I'd be bringing them all up. A new species of spider has been spotted. Now, previously, yesterday on the show, we talked about how the wasp spider was discovered in Chester in a zoo. Terrible zoo if you've got spiders on display. But there you go. But this one is a sea spider.

[00:13:03] It has up to 12 hairy feet and uses its nose to eat. Well, I suppose you wouldn't want to use your hands to eat if all you've got is feet. You'd be like, are we having cheese again? And it's not. It's because you've got loads of feet. The red-eyed creature breathes through its skin and attaches itself to a jellyfish. It's not a spider, is it? It's got 12 hairy feet. I'm not an expert. But don't they have eight legs? How do you have eight legs but 12 feet? You've got feet somewhere they shouldn't be.

[00:13:32] Have they done that thing where people pretend to be Toulouse-Lautrec and they put shoes on their knees? That probably explains it. Named a calipini. Oh, I'd eat one, though. I don't know what it looks like, but if that was on a menu. Fried calipini. I might be pronouncing it wrong. It's from the Latin for hairy feet. Yeah, do you know what? If I knew Latin, I would not be ordering that down the old Frankie and Benny's, would I? Fair enough. Maybe I just need to Google it first.

[00:14:02] I don't want to get too political here. Well, I don't mind, actually. But Andy Burnham is setting up this ministry of truth and it's coming for some criticism. And I can kind of understand why. Because the idea is you want to stop Russian misinformation. But do you trust a government not to also call anything they disagree with misinformation? Have you had a row with someone these days? In the modern day era, if you have a row with someone and you disagree and you say, no, you're wrong. They don't go, oh, we disagree on that. They say, you're gaslighting me.

[00:14:31] So it's got to be careful what power you give to people. And also the ministry of truth. It's a bit on the nose, isn't it? It's like when people start a sentence with now, to be honest, you know, they're not being. Yeah, they're not. It's like when they say, look, I don't want to cause offense. Yeah, you do. It's exactly what you're about to do. The sometimes I do that, too, but at least now I know what I'm doing. Watch out for AI. It's our AI update. We need a jingle for it. A rogue bot.

[00:14:59] This is genuinely now because in the first level of AI, I used to recap it like this all the time. I don't know. AI was invented. Then the news was, well, this will mean people cheat in exams. And the next news was this will wipe out humanity, which feels like quite the big step up. And then now we're then it was going to replace all musicians. And now it's actually doing stuff rather than we're just guessing. A rogue AI bot sparked worldwide worries about a takeover after it broke into an Australian government portal without any human help.

[00:15:29] Wonder why it went for Australia first. The country's prime minister revealed that the AI agent infiltrated a stats portal. Oh, that's all right. No, no, no. I was worried it was going to do some damage, but no one believes statistics from the government anyway. So at least it was practicing on something that it didn't matter if it damaged. That is your podcast, Sorted. Thank you very much for listening. Subscribe to wherever you found this and you can get some more next week, giving you updates on all the little bits of news you need.

[00:15:59] I've not given you news on Steve's life recently. I've just had a... Hang on, where's it gone? Where have I thrown it away? I've just had myself a kefir, the drink, not the headdress, and I bought it. It was reduced. It wasn't meant to be £2. It was 94 pence because I did think to myself, this has got like bacteria in it, yeah? Surely it can't go off. Surely it just... The longer you leave it, the better it gets. There'll be more bacteria in it. Anyway, tune in to Monday's episode when you'll find out whether I was right or wrong about that.

[00:16:27] If Monday's episode sounds a bit echoey and I'm doing it from the toilet, you'll know my plans did not come to fruition. Meanwhile, subscribe to wherever you found this. Have a look at youtube.com forward slash at Mr. Stephen Allen for the live streams. The book is out there as well. If you search for Steve N Allen's Almost Coloured In on Amazon, we've sold copies. I'm not including the number of how many, but it's certainly more than one. So I can say copies. I can use the plural. Guess who's in publishing now?

[00:16:57] And till next time. Thank you for listening to Steve N Allen (almost) Daily. This podcast is part of Podomity, the UK's podcast comedy network. Why not laugh at what else we've got? Visit Podomity.com.