MP Safe Rooms, PM's Changing Rooms

[00:00:00] Hello, I'm Steve N Allen and welcome to Steve N Allen Almost Daily. Hello, I'm Steve N Allen and welcome to Steve N Allen Almost Daily, your quick news fix with all that you need to know. On the 19th of July, a day when most of the news is talking about the fact that we, the English, beat the French. I mean, you know, not for the first time. I think you'll find if you look through history a little bit.

[00:00:24] Although, this is the first time that we've beaten the French during an era when podcasts exist. So, welcome! Keep this. Cut out and keep souvenir edition. Let's take a look at the front pages. We start with the Sunday Times. Burnham will take over failing Thames Water. Good. Because you know what? If you are new to the job, and it's not like I should really give expert advice on how to be Prime Minister to Andy Burnham.

[00:00:53] I've never been Prime Minister yet. At some point, it's going to be my go at this rate. But for now, he knows more than I do. A little bit more. However, I will say this. That's a low bar, isn't it? If you're going to take over Thames Water, you will do a better job than Thames Water. As long as you don't accidentally take a dump in the waterways yourself. That's the only way you could be worse at governing the water. As if, ah, I'm Andy Burnham. Plump. Andy, man. You had one job.

[00:01:23] And you've done it in the river is the problem. Build a safe room at home. MPs are urged. Depressing, but probably good advice. Although I had a garden room built. And I get, now the more I'm looking at it, this is kind of a safe room. In that I had a really thick door put on with no handle on the outside. So the only way to get in and out is either with the keys or if someone's inside, they're willing to open it. And I didn't realise that was quite a good security.

[00:01:50] Look, I don't need the same level of security as a famous politician. But I do like having a door that the family can't open without me letting them in. So this is basically, yes, I'd recommend it if you are an MP. Apart from the fact that if they're saying MPs should have a safe room built at their home when they become an MP, I'm sure we'll have to pay for it. There's no way it'll just be the MPs paying for it. They don't even buy their own lunch. You know what I mean? So I'm sure we'll end up paying for it.

[00:02:18] And then, of course, MPs don't spend that long at home. BBC Moonlighters face pay cut. People who work at the BBC and somewhere else might get paid slightly less. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, no, that makes a lot of sense. They are still annoyed about how much people are earning. I know when the news broke recently and, like, Scott Mills was the top earner. I mean, don't worry. That won't happen in the next data. You've, you know, you found a silver lining there. Well done.

[00:02:48] It's just if you add up how much these, like, Radio 2 DJs. How are Radio 2 DJs the best paid people in the nation? What? You could get rid of that. And it wouldn't change that many people's lives. Oh, I had to listen to greatest hits instead. There's another headline. Surrogate row topples minister. I'm not going to read you the story. I'm going to point out I misread topples as topless. And for a second there, I wasn't really sure what was happening.

[00:03:17] The Sunday Telegraph has Burnham will scrap costly digital ID cards. This seems like a good move because for a while we were worried that it was, you know, what kind of Andy Burnham are you going to get? There's that old joke. And I'm very willing to do old jokes on the podcast of a Blairite, a Brownite and a Corbinite walk into a bar. And the barman says, what are you having to drink, Andy Burnham, because you're just one person, even though that joke implied you were three. I'm not sure if that's the correct delivery of it.

[00:03:48] But in the past, he has changed his personality, his political personality based on who the leader of the Labour Party was. Like Mr. Ben putting on a hat and suddenly he becomes a different person. When the boss was Tony Blair, he was like a Tony Blair light. When Gordon Brown was the boss, he was all about Brownian motion. That's a different thing. That's the movement of pollen in water. And then when Corbin was boss, he absolutely hated.

[00:04:16] He also changed his mind about some big issues. So the question is, what happens when Andy Burnham is boss? How is he going to copy himself? This is like being John Malkovich, where John Malkovich goes through the doorway that lets you be John Malkovich. And all you can see around you is John Malkovich saying Malkovich, Malkovich. That is probably the most accurate prediction of what this nation is going to be like. So get ready for that.

[00:04:44] Front page of the Daily Express. Labour blows £12 million a year on left-wing advisors. Unless you are a left-wing advisor. You know, they could ask me. I've got some great advice. It's mainly Malkovich based, but I'd take a slice of that money. Attack of the argy ants. I'm zooming in. Let's have a look at this story. Ooh, you can get £5 off in a pharmacy at the top. Um, Lionel Messi is not the only tiny Argentine menace causing problems for these shores.

[00:05:14] An invasion of ants from the South American country threatens British wildlife and crops. You know what really bothers me about this? Have a look at the picture of the ants. So these ants, you know what's annoying about ants? Not just that they'll congregate wherever there's any sugar dropped. But if you zoom in, he's holding up only a little flipping blanket with leth melfineth hadenteth written on it. Flipping. He's flipping ants.

[00:05:41] Harry wants more UK visits with kids is somehow the front page of the mirror. I mean, that story again is person wants to visit UK. Stop kidding. People get really upset about Harry and Meghan stories. Have you tried not doing? Honestly, it would make you live longer. It's beautiful. The front page of the Daily Mail will be the last one we take a look at today. Flutter those eyelashes all you like, Andy. We want an election now.

[00:06:10] I mean, I want an election now as well. Is it because of any political ideology I have? Or is it because I will definitely get hired more to go and talk about politics on various outlets? Which one is it? Is it the last one? Oh, nuts. You're up to date. We can take a look inside the newspapers now. Debbie McGee. Ho ho! Debbie McGee revealed... That was meant to be a Paul Daniels impression, by the way. It sounded more like a sped up Al Pacino, didn't it?

[00:06:39] Ho ho! That's... I remember watching Paul Daniels back in the day. And he'd be doing his magic. And he'd be like, ho ho! And then he'd saw a woman in half and you believed it. There was no reveal at the end. It was just a woman sawn in half. Ho ho. Debbie McGee revealed she's had boyfriends since her husband Paul Daniels' death. But no one has matched his magic. I hope it's the tabloids that wrote that. If she's saying it like that, it's obvious. Then you've got to... You've clearly not moved on if you're still using that terminology.

[00:07:10] She says... Ho ho! No, that's someone else. She says, I've had a few boyfriends and they've been lovely, but they haven't been serious. I wonder if... Well, I don't... I think when you've got such an iconic relationship, no one's ever going to match that. Of course, you need to not be thinking about trying to match that. But also, for most relationships, not sawing you in half would be a good thing. Like, I don't know what your ex did, but I will not even try to saw you in half. Should be seen as a good thing.

[00:07:37] And yet in this, this one, he does buy me flowers, but he doesn't pull them out of his sleeve. So, you know what I mean? You'll never really live up. In politics news, it says here Andy Burnham's been given a brutal warning to ditch his iconic dad-at-a-gig wardrobe before he meets world leaders. A political expert has warned the incoming PM his days of rocking up in casual northern cool jackets and open collars are over.

[00:08:05] This is according to the University of Liverpool professor of politics, John Tonge. Says that he should change how he dresses. I'm just mentioning that now because the next time there's a female politician and someone says, they never talk about how men dress. Just put a pin in that one. Just, there's your pin. All right, you know I don't get to talk about football a lot because I don't like, care. There's some verb that goes there.

[00:08:32] But I will cover this bit because, look, apparently there's some football on tonight. Today's England final is to be spooked by an ancient spirit dubbed the Jersey Devil. This is according to a ghost hunter who's sinner Brocard, Brocarday, Brocarday. So when you go out of him, Brocarday's with your mates. I mean, it's like when that was that news story about blokes drinking rosé wine and it was called Brozé wine. Was that actually a news story? Did I write that as a joke? I start to get confused between the two.

[00:09:01] But Brocarday, who once claimed to have married a ghost, warns that it's poised to unleash havoc in the final. I mean, I'm clearly giving oxygen to someone who's clearly acting up like this just again in the papers. But I do like the fact that she thinks she married a ghost. The, just, just because you, I get the feeling this ghost had no say in it. Do you know what I mean?

[00:09:30] The, just because you don't see your husband a lot, does not mean that you are literally a golf widow without even the golf. Something like that. There's this news story in the papers again. Has no, why are they still doing it? Brits can't go on holiday without taking their favourite cuppa with them. More than a quarter of us pack our own tea bags. I mean, we knew this as a trope back when I was growing up. Which is annoyingly quite a while ago now. The little perforated treats are ranked the highest. Most higher than hair dryers when it comes to going away.

[00:10:00] Yeah, but who are you surveying? Because if you surveyed me, a balding gentleman. Balding. Look at that as if it's a current verb. I'll conjugate that verb as if it's currently happening. Balding. Yeah, like I'm still growing. If that were the thing. If you are just surveying blokes like me, I don't need a hair dryer. Everything ranks higher than a hair dryer. The only reason I need a hair dryer is to pretend I'm in some action film and some sci-fi. Running around the hotel going pew pew.

[00:10:30] In comparison, yeah, yeah, sure. Tea bags, yeah, why not? They've done a survey of the kind of breads you eat. And I'm not sure why. It's probably, if we bother to read the whole thing, sponsored by some bread company. I don't care. People are selling enough bread. You've literally got the phrase, the best thing since sliced bread. You've done enough. People know of bread. Calm down, right? Stop hitting the PR. However, here's the survey.

[00:10:54] They've produced a bread map that reveals how they're sliced on your plate can determine where you live. And it says things like, according to the survey, the Welsh capital is the undisputed garlic bread top spot. Two-thirds of the people have it. In Belfast, a baguette in Leeds, you go for a nun. I miss the old days where if you woke up from a coma and you had no idea where you are, you could simply say, what do you call those bread things? You'd like put a burger on it. But what are those?

[00:11:23] And if someone said bap or bun or roll, you could work out where you are. If someone said Cobb, oh, I'm in the Midlands again. Darn it. I am appalled at this piece of news that we've got today. Millions of Gen Zed holidaymakers travel to the airport in their pajamas. What is wrong with you? I'm kind of a pervert. Leaves the house in their pajamas. No, it does not seem wrong. I don't even like it when someone's nipped down Asda's like that. But you're going to the airport.

[00:11:52] You do realize when you get on a plane, right? The next time you walk will be when you're in a different country. Is that how you want people? Your first impressions? You want people to have a view? Is your scuba-doo boxer shorts and a baggy T-shirt? Maybe I'm just projecting there. More than a third of Brits aged 18 to 29 admit they've gone for their flight in sleepwear. And it's not as if that many people are going on that long a flight. Do you know what I mean? It's going to look like an absolute wrong-un.

[00:12:23] If I were in charge, I'd have a system where, I know it's extra work for the customs people, but if you get off the plane looking like that, you're back on the next one. Do you know what I mean? Apparently we now have seagulls in the UK as big as foxes. It's in the news. I don't even like foxes as big as foxes. So this is bad. The winged menaces are bigger and angrier thanks to the rubbish that we're throwing away. Here's what I don't understand with that.

[00:12:50] They're saying because we're throwing away rubbish, there's so much food in the rubbish, they can eat the food. I don't know why they're angry about it, but they're bigger. But foxes also eat our food, don't they? Why aren't they getting bigger? What are they doing wrong? And I think it's because, it just goes to show, walking is really good for you. They're both eating the same rubbish, but one of them does more walking and it stays thinner. And somehow, I could use that as evidence to sell some wellness stuff online.

[00:13:18] That oddly made sense when I didn't expect it to. I like this story. It's in today's paper, but I definitely was sent it by somewhere else to talk about this. Maybe when I was doing a talk radio thing or something, and we didn't get around to talking about it. A woman returned home to find an unexpected guest had moved into her bathroom and built a nest in her makeup bag. Mimi Stranger, this is confusing, she's not the stranger. Wow, what a dumb surname. Because it's made this story complicated.

[00:13:48] Because someone she didn't know, and yet she's the one called Stranger. Absolute mess. Mimi Stranger found twigs, leaves, and a bird perched on the shelf. It's a pigeon. Moved into a home, built a nest on a makeup bag. And I would have preferred this if it weren't. Imagine if this story was how they tried to make you think in the first bit. An unexpected guest had moved in to a bathroom. And it was just some nutter, some bloke, who just used to work for Sesame Street.

[00:14:17] He lost that gig. Not doing the skin work on the old Big Bird anymore. Lost the plot and now just moved into a bathroom. Can I just say, though, it's because you leave your makeup bag out. So there you go. The biggest crime in this story is leaving your makeup. Because we've got a sink upstairs that's got quite a nice wide edge. Not beveled. It is flat. And it is now just left with all the missus' makeup. Which means I can't really use the tap with any level of confidence.

[00:14:45] Because if I crank that tap on, I might accidentally splash some water. And it will land on makeup, which two-thirds of makeup is powders. It's a flipping trap. So good on you. No, in this story, I'm in favour of the pigeon, not the stranger. There's a story of a doctor. What's her name? Ariel Dempsey. Dr. Ariel Dempsey. Sounds like a made-up name. Might be.

[00:15:10] Has set a record for spinning on an acrobatic wheel for, you know those wheels that you spin around? How long do you think a record for that would be? It's four hours. And I don't know if that's, like, impressively short. Like, I could probably do that. Or is it really annoying that she's a doctor. There are some people waiting to see a doctor. I'm sorry, the doctor can't see you right now. Oh, that's fine. And you look through the door. And she's just like, whee! That's more annoying, isn't it?

[00:15:39] But it's because she suffered a brain injury which caused dizzy spells, so somehow that means she spins around. I suppose for her it's no different. So if you're used to dizzy spells, spinning in a big old wheel, not really changing your day that much. Here's a little gem. I love it when a survey reveals what my life's like. A survey of a thousand parents have discovered the problem of hangry kids. You know that word we have, which is part hunger, part angry.

[00:16:08] I suppose you couldn't go any other way, could you? You had to call it hangry. Because if you try and use the U of hunger and the gree of angry, you are hungry. I can see why it's a mess. No, we get that as well. Our little four-year-old lad. Oh, you wake up in the morning with a big smile, and there's no way to get him to breakfast quick enough for him to not kick off at some point. But apparently, we parents are bringing dinner times forwards.

[00:16:35] Meals are as early as 4 p.m. to avoid meltdowns. I kind of get hoisted by your own Jean-Luc Petard there, because then they'll be hungry again before they go to bed. But half of mums and dads say their child has declared that they're hungry the moment they walk through the door. Good. No, that's how you keep them hungry. You might get them to do stuff. Motivate them with food. This is carrot and stick. Only works when someone's in the mood for a carrot. Maybe I shouldn't broadcast this too out loud.

[00:17:04] It seems like you might call the authorities on me, but it keeps them focused. More than half of punters are ready to turn to the black market for cigarettes and vapes if prices are hiked even further, according to a poll. Which is just silly, isn't it? If you're going to buy knock-off goods of anything, not something that you ingest. What are the cigs and vapes? You're breathing in that stuff. I don't even like breathing in too deeply on public transport. And they're going to buy some dodgy stuff off the black web.

[00:17:33] They're going to breathe in some dark web shenanigans. I miss the good old days when the moody stuff you used to buy was just DVDs and the odd VHS. And the only person you upset was Simon Bakes. Other than that, victimless crime, I think. Was it? I can't really get that wrong. Right. That's your podcast done. A newspaper's worth of news crammed right down your ears. I don't have to say I don't follow football, but I'll say a nice message for tonight. Up the lads!

[00:18:01] So we're not playing this, are we? So we've already lost. Do you know what? With that attitude, we have lost today. So think about that later. Subscribe to wherever you found this podcast. You can track me down on social media at MrStevenAllen. Get ready for the live stream version on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays at midday. Other than that, just crack on. Have yourself a good life would be my advice. Thank you for listening to Steve N Allen (almost) Daily.

[00:18:31] This podcast is part of Podomity, the UK's podcast comedy network. Why not laugh at what else we've got? Visit Podomity.com.