Oasis Nearly Weren’t Back

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[00:00:30] Hello, I'm Stephen Allen and welcome to Stephen Allen Almost Daily. Your daily news fix in podcast form. Hello, I'm Stephen Allen on a day when... I mean, it's probably not the main story, but I'm intrigued. M&S and John Lewis retreat from plus sizes amid weight loss jab boom. Fascinating. The clothes are going to get smaller. And yeah, look, maybe it's because of the weight loss jabs. That'll be just a small, brief trend. The bigger issue will be the lack of food security and all the wars coming. Anyway, keep it happy. Oh, let's take a look at your front pages.

[00:01:01] The Mirror has Noel feared tour disaster. A couple of stories on the front pages about Oasis. They're flogging a film. There's a documentary at the Venice Film Festival about that, about the gig. And it's front page news. But Liam was not rehearsing. And there was also he wasn't quite there before the first gig. My theory is, before your first performance, you're off on the job. I don't want to give too many details away about what it's like for me before a stand-up gig.

[00:01:27] But, you know, a little bit of pre-show nerves manifests itself in a very physical way. Just poor old... He was, you know, he was mad for it. And the old gents, if I'm honest. There's also a story on the front page of The Sun. No cigarettes and alcohol. He stopped smoking and drinking. That's not just because you wanted to get tour fit. That happens when you reach a certain age. I'm nearing 50, and now I can't eat a pork pie without it wiping out three days. Do you know what I mean? Oh, I've got some acid reflux.

[00:01:55] You don't want that when you're having to tour around going on about, is it my imagination? How much rehearsals did he need anyway? The Sunday Times goes with, Mixing Pills sends 1,000 elderly people a day to A&E. We don't need to do anything to send more old people to A&E. You don't want anyone going to A&E anyway. You don't want to be behind the queue in A&E. And you doubly don't want to be behind the queue behind old people anywhere.

[00:02:24] I'm hoping I'm not pooping on the wrong demographic here. I don't know who downloads this podcast. But whenever you're a self-scan till, you look at who's up next, and you can tell just by looking at them like, Oh, this is a 10 minutes of my life. I'm never going to get back. Which is weird if anyone should be trying to scooch things along. If anyone doesn't have that many 10 minutes left, it's the person trying to order a mortgage on their self-scan. But this is to do with counterindications. If you have a drug, great. You have another drug, great.

[00:02:53] But when you put them together, they can interact. The simplest and most well-known one is grapefruit juice. Isn't it? Grapefruit juice can tip the balance of how much drug is dissolved in your system. So you can end up having too much drugs if you're having grapefruit juice. I never understood why grapefruit juice didn't capitalize on this. And going to man like, There's a lot of money in big pharma. And if you could add grapefruit juice to your drugs, you'd have to have less of the active ingredient.

[00:03:21] And the man from Del Monte would be, you know, he'd do the opposite from Zamo in Grange Hill. Wow, that's a deep cut reference. One of them saying, Just say no. The other one saying, Yes, let him fight it out. Did not think we'd end up there. I wasn't even listening in donor chat, says Faraj. So there's a clip of him saying, Yeah, great, whatever. And he's saying he didn't listen to what they just said.

[00:03:47] So did you want to come across as a details person in charge of loads of things? Or maybe more on that story later. The Daily Mail has a picture of Nadine Doris saying that she's got fury as she's snared in deepfake porn scandal rocking Westminster. You can see more on page five. Fine, thank you. No, I'm not going to look. I'm not going to. I don't have a copy. That's why. I'm all right. No, I'm cheers. Thanks. Absolutely full. Just had one. The Sunday Telegraph. Back to work.

[00:04:16] Style it like a Parisian. I would, but I'm not sure. What? The stripy T-shirt. If anything, I need vertical stripes. Can't keep the weight off. There's another picture of Nigel Farage lifting his leg up. I'm not sure that's wise for a man of his age. I mean, I'm not sure I could handle that. Certainly not after a pork pie. The Sunday Express. Reform vows no income tax on state pension. I do have a thought about this.

[00:04:45] I've got an absolute think about this one. You know, whatever the state tells you, the basic amount that you need to live off, they could tell you that by saying that's how much a basic pension is, right? That amount should never be larger than the amount you get to receive before you pay tax. Yeah? It's not a bad point, that is it? Because if the state works out, this is the bare minimum you need. There you go, pensioners. Meanwhile, over here, that's the bare minimum you need,

[00:05:14] and we're going to take a slice off the top of that. No. I've got my first real policy. Of course, it does mean I've just ended fiscal drag by linking the basic rate of tax boundary to the triple lock. That'd kick off. I've actually done a video about the triple lock on YouTube, and no one ever likes... Whenever I try and talk about the details of the triple lock, everyone argues back as if I've said, let's end pensions and just throw pensioners in a pit. That's not the point. I was saying, look at the details of the triple lock.

[00:05:43] It's got three locks on it. Maybe one of them might need adjusting, and everyone goes like, they've worked hard for that. Yeah. No, I'm not saying they don't. Well, calm down. Did you not hear me correctly? It's because you've just spent ten minutes on a self-scan till. No wonder you've got no idea what I'm talking about. And that's enough of your front pages. Let's quickly jump inside. Straight into entertainment news. Jay-Z says he serenaded his wife, Beyoncé... No, we know who that is. ...on her birthday as he returned to the British stage for the first time in almost a decade.

[00:06:13] Am I being biased in that I imagine being serenaded... You've got to do some, like, slow songs. You've got to get someone out on the old, you know... Well... Not that I can do it, but... You've got to get someone... I do a romantic song. He's a rapper. Can you... If someone does a rap to you, is that serenading you? Yo, yo, yo. I like your face. It's very nice. I like it so much, I'd say it twice.

[00:06:40] I mean, I'm not the best example of a rapper, but I think you take my general point. I'm not sure that's being serenaded. The way I do it there, it's definitely not being serenaded. Helen Mirrens hit the news. She said that she used to get thrown out of pubs for swearing. Wow, that's quite a lot, isn't it? I mean, I'm partial to little effing Jeff myself every so often. Obviously not in a professional capacity, but I know the big ones. I know most of them.

[00:07:06] In fact, because of my working in media, a few places where I've worked have been under the world... I mean, this is under Ofcom. There's a list on the Ofcom website that lists the words you can't say on telly. And it is one of the best and funniest things I've ever read. Because it's just all the swear words. And some of them I'd forgotten. If anything, it made me worse. Track me down on social media. I'll send you the link. It's an interesting read. But Helen Mirrens says she was thrown out of pubs.

[00:07:33] The Oscar winner returns as the foul-mouthed Maeve Harrigan in Mobland. But she said even before then, she was in an interview. She said, oh my beep. She said, every other word is the... No, can't even imply that either. She says, I was thrown out of quite a few pubs in the old days when women weren't supposed to be swearing in pubs. What? That's one of my favourite things to do, is to listen to women swear in pubs. If that's wrong, I don't want to be right.

[00:08:01] I mean, this is probably the worst news I've ever brought you. Brew-loving Brits face a cuppa crisis with tea shortages threatening to send prices skyrocketing. Not sure why it's worried about us. It's an international trade, isn't it? Because we don't grow a lot over here. But the United Nations say a combination of climate change and global conflict could cause a surge in cost, potentially threatening the future of tea entirely. How are we meant to calm down about that?

[00:08:30] As they say in EastEnders, it's all right, there's a nice cup of tea. You can't. Because all the... Nice cup of tea will be gone. What are we going to do in a world where there's no tea? You're all right. Drink coffee. Get over it. Oh, no, that's a solid point. Well made. As a parent, I pay attention to these surveys and whatever about kids these days. Kids long to go back to the age of dinosaurs, with creatures ruling their imaginations. A poll of parents found that children would like to visit the prehistoric age. I blame this Andy.

[00:09:00] I don't know if you've seen this Andy bloke on CBeebies. Where, I'm Andy and I'm going to go on an adventure. Back to the dinosaurs. Come with me, kids. I got me out in my backpack, right? At no point do they deal with a reality. This is what's missing from this story. Kids, you would hate going back to the age of the dinosaurs. You're food. We are mammals that aren't that big and compact. You're barely a snack. You know when you're sitting around.

[00:09:25] And maybe, you know, maybe it's a soiree and someone's got some cocktail sausages out. That's you. It's like being a cocktail sausage in the future when the cocktail sausages rule the world. And you saying, oh, I'd love to go back to the age of the soiree. You fools. You mad fools. I take it all back. I was wrong before. It's never happened in the history of this show. But I think I was wrong before. An orphaned seal pup has had its sights saved by chilled tea.

[00:09:52] The two-month-old female affectionately named after musician Frank Ocean. Hey, nice. I see. No, I see what you're doing there. Was rescued by a walker. She was found to have an eye infection and has been undergoing a unique treatment recommended by vets involving daily eye baths with chilled tea. Because just earlier I was saying, yeah, it doesn't really matter if we can't have a brew. It's a little baby puppy seal. It'll seal pup's eyes. That's how they get you, innit?

[00:10:20] I wouldn't put it past whoever makes the tea sending these blind seals over here so that we feel all emotional. And then they up the price of the tea. Oh, yeah. The first ones are free. The rest, that's when they get you, innit? I knew it was a scam. Somehow or other, I knew. I'm not surprised by this, but it says here Britain is becoming a nation of sleep-deprived zombies as millions fail to get a good night's kip. Is that news? I don't know if I'm just biased, because I've still got two really young kids.

[00:10:50] The youngest one, she's two. So sleep is not something I ever think I need these days. Yeah, sure. If I get a good night's sleep, I can perform well. That's long gone. The memory of me being good at what I do. Oh, no. Instead, as long as I'm there and don't look too bad, I'm taking it as a win. But experts say the problem is a serious impact on public health, leaving millions at risk of various diseases and depression and stuff.

[00:11:14] Four in ten, so two out of five, don't want to show off too much, admit that they can't get any decent shut-eye. That's the one that bothers me. People who say, oh, I can't nap. Really? Then you're not tired enough. I had a nap yesterday on the kitchen floor. That's because I realised, hang on, the kids are busy for a little sec. They're doing whatever colouring in they're doing. If I go in there for a sleep, they'll jump on me.

[00:11:40] But if I just put the cushion down on the floor, five minutes later, bosh, they're still colouring in. I had my little kip. So in comparison, people who fill in these surveys, do you got time for a survey, mate? You got time for a nap? Well, this is not good news for everyone, but good news that older people aren't the most likely to be targeted by scammers. And that's good because I do feel sorry. Like when my dad was still alive, he was scammed out some money. Nothing wound me up more than just the idea of someone taking advantage of someone as they get older, right?

[00:12:10] So there's that angry side of this story. But it says young Brits are three times more likely to be targeted by scammers than older generations. That's not good for the younger Brits either. But, I don't know, somehow I'm less angry. And I think I know why. It's because young people these days, if I'm a scammer, and I'm not, but that is what I would say if I was one. If I want to get in touch with you, obviously I could email you. I could send you a Snapchat, a WhatsApp, a text, a bit old school. I could contact you on X, on Threads, on Blue Sky.

[00:12:40] I can TikTok you, obviously. Did we say Snapchat? We did. I can also do Kik. I could probably do YouTube, I guess. There are so many ways of getting a message to you. If I want to scam an old person, I've got to write a letter. It's over a quid for a stamp these days. Do you know what I mean? I'll end up down on the deal. That's the podcast done. News from the papers directed straight into your ears. I'm basically, I've got this, still got the, I used the ukulele in today's show. I know.

[00:13:09] You get all these extras, which actually means we can end on this today. I use my laptop, there's a lag. My hard drive's full and it's a drag. I double click to run defrag. Yes, I'm cleaning windows. Shade face. Technically counts as entertainment. Get yourself subscribed to wherever you've found this podcast. Track me down on social media at MrStevenAllen. And until next time.

[00:13:38] Thank you for listening to Stephen Allen Almost Daily. This podcast is part of Podomity, the UK's podcast comedy network. Why not laugh at what else we've got? Visit Podomity.com.