So, Clacton Happened

[00:00:00] Hello, I'm Steve N Allen and welcome to Steve N Allen Almost Daily. Hello, welcome to the podcast that gets you the day's news fast on a day that seems to be all about a man beating a bin, which, no, it is technically a victory. It feels like, not, it's like saying, you know, I won a kickboxing round against a toddler. You know what I mean? You should have won it anyway. It's very difficult to boast that you won it. Not many people lose out to bins.

[00:00:27] And that cat that was put in a bin by that woman was the only story of someone losing to a bin, I think. Other than that, you're up to date on that one. Let's do the front pages. We can start with the Daily Telegraph. China funding Palestine marches. Oh, is there some money available? No, because I'm looking for a sponsor. Could you imagine? Straight out of the traps. That would be an interesting angle to take.

[00:00:52] The US committee claims Beijing is supporting anti-Israel protests on Britain's streets. Zoom in on more of this. China is suspected of funding pro-Palestine marches. US politicians, oh, it's US politicians there, allege the secret Chinese backing of Code Pink, which is a far-left feminist group. Oh, is it? Oh, I have misunderstood. I have sent them the wrong email.

[00:01:20] Well, front page also goes with free Vodafone SIM cards handed out to small boat migrants, which you can either moan about or you can realise, hang on, free SIM card. Oh, SIM card's free anyway. You can just get like free pay-as-you-go ones, can't you? Or am I just hanging around with the wrong kind of drug dealer types? Or the right kind of drug dealer types? There are three options here. Reform UK has accused Vodafone of facilitating the invasion of Britain

[00:01:46] after it emerged that the company supplied free SIM cards that were given to channel migrants. The telecom's giant has given away two and a half thousand of them. Loaded with, oh, this is the bit that's annoying. Loaded with six months of free data. Oh, I could do with that. I'm quite good at accents. Can I turn up to Dover? You'll split. That's the wrong accent to try and do, isn't it? Um, maybe I've picked the wrong ones there. This is, look, I think the bigger annoying thing is that will mean more people

[00:02:16] who can sit on a bus playing music out of their phone speaker rather than their head. Can we make Vodafone, if you're listening, I'm sure you're a big fan of the show. Can you give away headphones? Just some cheap-ass earbuds. Can we do that? Or some cheap-ear-ass buds. Whatever you've got to do to mean that I don't have to listen to other people playing their music. Can we do that one? I'm glad we got to the bottom of that serious one. Um, front page of, what else have we got for us? Um, we can go to the Times. A-level results and tables. I'm probably not in there, so I'm probably not going to look.

[00:02:45] I don't think they're still quoting mine. They weren't that impressive back in the day. Burnham bypassing villagers opposed to new asylum sites. It's all back on that same story, isn't it? But, um, we go with, Labour has been accused of bypassing local communities as it seeks to house thousands of asylum seekers on disused military sites, while the police are warning of unrest. It's a shame the army aren't there. That could have kept it under cover, couldn't it? Um, the government announced in June that it's, um, planned to convert three former RAF bases.

[00:03:15] Bicester in Oxford, RAF Barnham in Suffolk, and Linton-on-Ouse. So, the Bicester one is the reason why that small Oxfordshire village is trying to seed from the UK, isn't it? Like the mouse that roared. It's trying to get independence. Which is hilarious, but if I have to fill in a visa form to do a gig there, um, I've got enough going on with Europe without having to fill in paperwork to gig in near Bicester. It's not going to happen, mate. RAF Barnham, don't have much on that, but I do know that RAF Linton

[00:03:44] is the one up in North Yorkshire where a neighbouring, um, Rachel Maskell is the neighbouring MP who once did a speech saying, 20,000 Syrian migrants is not enough, we need more. and then they actually put some nearer and she's like, can we, whoa, maybe, when I said more, and it's just hilarious to see people do about faces, the old reverse ferrets. Um, met chief and prosecutor clash over, um, Levy Fahnings. That's honestly, that's a terrifying story

[00:04:14] of how the police, I mean, drop the ball once, shame on you and all that, but good lord. Um, the Daily Mail goes with, inferno on hottest day of the year, rampant wildfires engulfed streets of family homes. That's bad. Not the hottest day of the year thing, the fires, that's bad. But up the top, in the advert for their Secrets and Lives section, not that really secret if you're publishing in a daily newspaper, but there you go. The night, this is the headline, The Nightmare of Living with a Sex Somniac,

[00:04:44] which sounds like some sort of Eastern European name, but it's not, because my missus is Polish, so we've got quite a lot of relatives who are like, I keep, I shouldn't even do these jokes, but, um, I talk about the fact that her name, when we first met, I couldn't pronounce my missus' surname when we first met, it was basically a J and then random letters like when you pretend you're typing, that she had a strong Polish name, which is also a strong Wi-Fi password. And, it's very similar here, isn't it?

[00:05:14] Sexomniac. The more you say it, the more it does sound like, I think I've seen the films he's been in. And, they've got the Mirror, which has, uh, Britain on Fire, which is the smaller version, the difficult demo version of, um, Kings of Leon. The Daily Express don't hand out rewards for their failure. I imagine that's how it's said, because this is households facing unexpected hikes in water bills. Well, remember the thing you're not allowed to use. That one. Um,

[00:05:43] because they're giving extra money to the bosses. Oh, good. Not a good. It's amazing, isn't it? They're the water companies and we're being rung dry. Watch Dog Off What? You try saying that. Watch Dog Off What? Has, I think, Watch Dog Off What? Is a second cousin of my missus. Has given initial nod to 13 suppliers inflating prices. An extra 3.4 billion pounds they're going to be milking from us.

[00:06:13] I said it before, I'll say it again. It's not fair. They're in charge of the water and they spill poos out into our rivers all the time. I do it once and apparently I've ruined that fishing competition. The Guardian. Universities fear financial turmoil amid slumping overseas students. Hmm, it's amazing, isn't it? Overseas students don't want to come here anymore. So, they're not doing it and it's costing us money. PM angry as water firms add 3.4 billion to bills. I'm glad they agree with the fact that that's ridiculous. And what else she would cover

[00:06:42] at the front page? Oh, this is interesting. Record 2.5 million trips to A&E. 3,000 patients a day cared for in the corridors. Nurses collapsing as stifling heat takes its toll. I'm in favour of plopping some air conditioning in places that are so stifling nurses collapse. I don't know why that is a controversial position to take these days but it apparently is. But, it's, yeah. Sarah Scrobby, director of research at the Nuffield Trust said the fact that we need data for corridor care

[00:07:12] shows how far we've spelled. She's right, isn't she? The fact that we've got data for how many people are being cared for in a corridor. Of course, the obvious thing is you just change the name of the corridor to, you know, the something wing. There'll be loads of people. Just find someone that you can basically name a wing after anyone. The bin face wing. The Farage wing. The, where would you find that one? It's off there on the right. The only thing you can't do is name it after that Scottish poet guy.

[00:07:41] The, no, because the burns wing. You get confused. I only came here with a rash. You know what I mean? And those are your front pages. In entertainment news, there's always news about Peter Crouch and Abby Clancy. Basically, they do a podcast and people write it into newspapers. But here we go. Abby Clancy has revealed that her hubby, Peter Crouch, had a crush on Gladiator star Jet and it left her physically ill. Can I just say, if you're physically ill

[00:08:12] at the concept of your partner having a crush on Jet from Gladiators, men are not for you. Certainly men of a certain generation. How old is it? Does it say how old he is now? She's now, Jet is 56. It doesn't say how old Peter Crouch is. But I guess he's roughly my generation. Men of a certain generation, the younger generation X, I don't think you're going to find one that didn't have a crush on Jet. It was just a rite of passage. Saying you don't want your partner

[00:08:42] to have had a crush on Jet is like saying, I don't really like a man who's got a BCG scar. You're going to have to shop around for a very different age group. That's all you've got going for you. So the newspapers have some coverage of the by-election in Clacton. Nigel Farage was left utterly humiliated, says the Daily Star, after spending weeks campaigning against a bin, while the reform leader UK is heavily tipped to win it, obviously it was written before we got the result that he did win it, he was one of a record-breaking 34 candidates.

[00:09:12] And this is also part of the story, isn't it? that if what you had was the Farage vote and the, I don't know, Nutter vote, the protest party bizarre candidate vote, it's the first time in history the Nutter vote's been split because there was bin face, there was three candidates from the monster-raving loony party, there was some bloke dressed as a fox. We've talked about this before.

[00:09:44] So he won, there's a picture here of Nigel Farage in Clacton on the day of the vote wearing, you know like posh people for some reason wear salmon, somewhere between red and salmon trousers, that's what he's got on there. And it makes me realise I am not posh, I couldn't get away with that, I looked like I was dressed to go and entertain the kids. He's also wearing a stripy blazer and I do think it's a risk, they talk a lot about security. If I were near Clacton Beach I would not dress as a deck chair,

[00:10:13] some big person is going to sit on you. Well that's not in the newspapers. The newspapers is that he didn't turn up to the result and that's just spin again isn't it because it would not be good politically to try and be going like yay I won while surrounded by a guy dressed as a fox getting absolutely thoroughly into a guy dressed as a bin. All of that in the background would not be good optics. I think that's why he didn't turn up. File this next news story under

[00:10:42] why of course friends are good for our mental health. Yep, should we just move on. But also physical health I suppose. A study of more than 200,000 adults from 22 countries so it's a big data set showed that good quality social connections are linked with improved well-being. Yeah. I mean at what point did they get past the usual survey of 2,000 people then up to the idea of 20,000 people for doing a proper study

[00:11:12] and then maybe doing a meta-analysis so you can get even larger. At what point do they think I think we've got this one in the bag lads. I think we're not going to find out the surprising result that friends aren't good for you other than you know that phrase with friends like that who needs enemies. They've kind of disproved that. Friends are good for you. You know you don't need enemies. Just yeah shut up shut up about the friends and stop wasting time doing a study of 200,000 people. Imagine in that study they found out that everyone does well out of friends apart from

[00:11:41] like one guy who's got an absolute git of a friend. That's the only way it could be in it. I'm sure you're aware but I'll tell you anyway because it's my job. We've had the hottest day of the year 38.1 degrees Celsius as yesterday recorded its hottest day of the year so far down in Kew Gardens in London but it isn't like a big old greenhouse. No wonder it's hot. Maybe they measure it outside. I've not looked into it. Meanwhile Brits are going kebab crazy because what's because the weather somehow and that doesn't make any sense to me. We've had nice

[00:12:11] weather which normally for me means yeah you like a barbecue maybe you go for a salad. No that sounds ridiculous doesn't it? But people are having kebabs and I suppose it's because it's well look here's the problem. It's been dubbed Donna Summer as in Donna Kebab Hot Summer which makes sense because she's the one who sang you're like looking for some hot stuff baby this evening and it would be hot if we had 38.1 degrees Celsius. However

[00:12:41] shish how very dare you no it's shish kebabs isn't it? The ones you do on barbecues. Donna Summer is what you do when you've had a night out and suddenly you want to go and eat some ridiculous looking meat that looks like an elephant leg but of course a little bit of salad in there. Put some sauce on as well because then it'll be some hot stuff baby this evening. I bothered to learn the chords I thought might as well play it twice. The ongoing debate continues as it would do because it's ongoing about who should be the next 007. James Norton has ruled himself out

[00:13:11] because he says he's too old. That hurts and I'll tell you what it hurts. He's 41. Oh man. But I suppose it makes some sense. He thinks he's too old to play James Bond at 41. I am the tether end of that decade and if I were to play James Bond not that they've asked but I'm sure you could get some sort of odds on me playing it. I've got the equity card. It wouldn't be the same would it? No. No. I know what it's like with my bad knee although the

[00:13:40] Daniel Craig Bond had a bad knee so we've got that in common. But I'd end up having a scene where I go and see Q. Now pay attention 007 we have the latest technological advancements. And what's this Q? Is this some sort of exploding chair? No it's a chair list. You might need it to get into the second floor. I'm not one for knowing too much about like poppy stuff but I'm aware of Taylor Swift. Of course I am. But I'm also aware that she got married to Travis Kelsey.

[00:14:11] He's now broken his silence on the wedding. I don't know if they sold the deal or something but he's said a thing. This is all it takes to get in the news. He said it was the best night of my life. The pair were married by film star Adam Sandler at New York's Madison Square Gardens on July the 3rd in front of hundreds of celebs who'd been sworn to secrecy but the groom said it was the best night of my life. Aren't you meant to say your wedding day is the best day of your life? Because the way he said it you sound like an absolute lad at

[00:14:41] your wedding. Best night I'm all off my. Did you not care for the ceremony and the reception? We know which bit Kelsey was dirty old man. As close as I get to football news is this South Korea's football association spent thousands of pounds on sexual entertainment for foreign referees. This is according to a report they spent it on the credit card as well so it's really really hard

[00:15:10] to deny that. There's a paper trail you fool. And firstly it's for referees and if there's one thing we know about referees the accusation is that they don't have good eyesight so you want to stop them doing the thing that famously ruins your eyesight. So if anything there's some logic to this madness. But also well it just says entertainment that could mean anything couldn't it? It doesn't necessarily mean what it obviously is. It could mean

[00:15:39] leaning up against a washing machine do you know actually no there's no way it's anything else other than the obvious. There's a lovely story in the news today about people who think they could qualify for the 2028 Olympics bearing in mind that's two years from now so you'll be two years older than you are now and you still think you can do it. This that's the theory they think if you start training today they could do it. 38% of men are confident that they could hit the entry criteria in two years of training. Are you kidding me? I did the

[00:16:08] couch to 5k app which is meant to get you doing 5k in nine weeks. It took me I think if you add it all up it was 11 years but there was a bit of a break in between. But yeah just over a quarter I think they could beat a professional in their chosen sport if they're given a chance. That survey again 38% of men have no idea how this stuff works. The same number felt that they'd have the best chance of being competitive in football. 11% thought tennis. You can't do tennis unless

[00:16:38] you're from a rich background. Suddenly you need to win a lottery thing. 13% of fellows think that they could run 100 metres in less than 15 seconds. I couldn't do 100 metres off a cliff in 15 seconds because of the drag coefficient. It's amazing that we're going through life and everyone you pass by thinks in the back of their head they're secretly an Olympian. They just haven't had the right chance yet. Good luck anyway. See how we perform in 2028. I think we know the answer.

[00:17:09] News successfully updated. That's your podcast done for the day for the week actually. If you get yourself subscribed these little things will trickle into your inbox whenever you're not ready and they will get you when you are least suspecting and then they will update you on the news. So get subscribed. What more could you possibly ask for? You can also track down the YouTube streaming version. It's a little bit looser. And what with the summer holidays and my childcare requirements. I'm all over the shop. You never know when one's going to happen so get subscribed there as well. YouTube.com forward slash at Mr.

[00:17:38] Stephen Allen. Some written guff comes out on Substack.com forward slash at Mr. Stephen Allen. And that's basically, yeah, sure you could donate something on ko-fi.com forward slash Mr. Stephen Allen but I'm not going to twist your arm about it. Just enjoy yourselves, get subscribed and we'll do this again next time. Till then. Thank you for listening to Stephen Allen almost daily. This podcast is part of Podomity, the UK's podcast comedy network.

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