Traitors Too Far

[00:00:00] Hello, I'm Steve N Allen and welcome to Steve N Allen Almost Daily. Welcome along to the podcast that gives you loads of news on a day when second phase of the early release scheme. And have you noticed, I've certainly noticed, I'm being more polite in traffic. So maybe there will be some upside, do you know what I mean? Oh, that guy just cut me up, but there's... I've got bigger than zero chance that this dude just got out of prison today. Hi, no, you go first. Flash your indicators to say thank you. Let's do the front pages.

[00:00:29] OK, quick run through of today's front pages. The Metro, NATO's top general in stark warning to Putin, or warning to Putin. We'd be ready to fight tonight. Oof, all right, slow it down, you might be. We'll destroy anything and everything if you're foolish enough to attack us. Had someone been on the bevvies? Don't get me wrong, no judgment. I think maybe we do need someone who's bevvied up.

[00:00:56] Sometimes it feels like we acquiesce to Russian aggression too much. No, we wouldn't want to escalate. Oh, maybe you get a couple of pints down and you're like this guy. You what? Do you want some, Vladdy? Maybe that's... Outside is the way to do it. Front page of the Times. What's the healthiest protein? Meat or tofu? I'm fine with not knowing. Plus also, let's have a look at this. Cut screen time in class for sake of pupil health.

[00:01:26] They've done a piece of research and screen time, not good for kids. How do you think we need to separate out the kind of screen time we're talking about? Because watching the TV, I'm not saying it's good. Here we go. Nuance again. Two things are bad, one's worse without saying the other one's good. Let's see if people get their heads around this one. Watching the TV, not as good as not watching the TV, but better than playing on the gambling apps. I wouldn't give your kids access to foxybingo.com.

[00:01:56] And so there must be a scale. This is a spectrum. Foxybingo.com or one of the more naughtier hubs. That's very bad for kids. Tablets in general, bad for kids. Screen time, kind of bad, but got to be honest, there are some number blocks and alpha blocks. There's some good maths in there. I sit and watch, whenever my life is... They watch number blocks at school in reception. They'll come home and they'll say, we watched number blocks today. Can I watch that episode again? And I'll say, sure, which one do you want?

[00:02:26] And he'll say number four. I'm like, oh, they got it good, haven't they? That is one TV show where you know the episode number. I'm a big fan of Buffy, but I can't tell you the episode numbers. Whereas number blocks, which one do you want to watch? Seven, sure thing. Which series is that? Of course, it's series one. Front page of the Daily Mail. The Trial. Russell Brand, follow the case. The world is watching. No, thanks. Thanks. The, I don't think the interview he did with Piers Morgan helps.

[00:02:56] Loads of the jurors have been sent home because they watched the Channel 4 documentary. It's awkward that the only people who will be allowed on that jury are the kind of people who didn't care enough to watch the documentary. So in sum, there's still a bias there. Do you know what I'm saying? We'll find people who don't give two flips about this case. Maybe that is justice. Burnham, I'll let voters decide to rejoin Europe. But people are angry about that. Letting voters decide on things. That's not what democracy is about. The Guardian. PM.

[00:03:25] Britain's relationship with the EU. Not good enough. Also, there's got to be some other stuff there. Oh yeah. Joining the new team. New Labour MP sworn in after by-election. Everyone was just reporting on, oh, Zach didn't win. But actually, someone did win. That's the nature of elections. So there's another one. The horrifying new low in British politics outrages reform bigwig generic says that party would order Marines to use lethal force against migrants.

[00:03:55] But what he said something about that they would be allowed to open fire. Here's the thing. You know, if your problem is that people make it into the English Channel and when they get into trouble, we rescue them and bring them over here. Shooting at them is just going to make that worse, isn't it? If you want them to float back, don't shoot at the dinghy. I'm not a dinghy expert. But if you shoot a dinghy, there's a long shot that the air from the deflating part might make them go back towards France.

[00:04:25] You've got to be pretty already flipping close to France for that to be a thing. So actually, we can't shoot until you're halfway through. There's no way that would work. What I'm saying is sinking a vessel really just expedites that whole saving people and bringing them to the UK. It's almost like he didn't think it through and only said it to try and sound tough. Front page of the eye. Burnham ready to sign new EU deal next month as he attacks Brexit damage. Plus also, how I fell out.

[00:04:53] Sorry, how I fell foul of the trolls backing Meghan Markle is in the feature in the newspaper. Oh, good God. Yeah. No, no. If it's one of the things where if you say anything about Meghan Markle, some people were around. I did a joke where the punchline was about Radio One being staffed by. I don't want to say nonsense on this podcast. People who aren't great.

[00:05:17] But because the setup to that joke was about Meghan Markle, I got an absolute pounding. You're just angry at me. I was like, well, take a look at that joke again. See who the victim of that joke is. It's Radio One DJs. Breakfast DJs specifically. Now, unless I've missed something. I don't think Meghan Markle's been sitting in depping for Chris Moyles or whoever does it these days. So you can take a chill pill. So good luck with that. And them's your front pages.

[00:05:46] Let's get inside the news. Some entertainment news. Normally, I like entertainment news. This is about celebrity traitors, and I really couldn't care less. But we'll read it out. Celebrity traitors' first victim has branded Maya Jama a satanic villain. Journalist Amol Rajan was bumped off by the Love Island host. Amol, I mean this with love. You're taking this too seriously, buddy. I'm a big Amol. I'm a big fan of your work. You're also a lovely measurement in chemistry.

[00:06:12] But you're meant to be a journalist, which means you're meant to be, like, factual. You're calling her a satanic villain for playing a quiz show on the telly box. Can we rein it in a bit? Because otherwise, you're going to have all these words thrown around by anyone on Celebrity Traitors. There'll be plans to scupper anyone on 15 to 1. Is that still on? No. There'll be a scene when you'll be watching on Channel 4, Bake Off, and the host will be like, oh, we're just going to pop inside the tent.

[00:06:39] And then some other sleb will pop up and say, you'll never find a bigger hive of scum and villainy. I mean, they might not have a ukulele town, but the point is, what I'm saying is, they'll take it too far. I think I've made the point.

[00:07:07] Get ready for the cyber war. A cyber attack on supermarket fridges led to thousands of frozen and fresh foods items being ruined. We've often heard about this, like, in the future, warfare, it won't be all the military things with the ships and the other stuff and the tanks. The modern battlefront will be cyber warfare. And they're trying to make our milk go off. I don't wish to jinx it, but I feel like that's a war I'm better at.

[00:07:37] I got some UHT in the cupboard. Obviously, I won't be happy about using UHT. But I just think if, like, oh, Russia's upset with the UK, what's it doing? Oh, it's turned the fridge up. Okay. It's not great. But, oh, no. I think what's happened here is Russia thinks, how do you bring them UK? Well, they keep saying, I'm not sure, he's getting a bit Welsh there, isn't he? How do you bring down UK?

[00:08:04] They keep saying that cups of tea was the thing that made them win the war. Then we shall scupper their milk, comrade. And I think whenever we can keep the world thinking tea is our most important asset, we'll do all right in World War III. Look, I know one of the big topics of today is phase two of the early release scheme. But in one of the newspapers today, it talks about inmates boasting of the high life. Bill Marsh, I'm loving it, is the headline.

[00:08:31] Inmates have boasted of living the high life as they chomp on McDonald's burgers, appear to smoke the drugs, and one of Britain's highest security jails. The lags are also seen with illicit mobile phones and SIM cards. Wow. The SIM card I can imagine smuggling. The phone I can imagine smuggling. It's the charger that would get me. Oof. I know you'd feel that when you... In the Category A HMP Belmarsh. And I think the authorities are on to something here. Wait a minute.

[00:09:01] You're thinking, Steve, what are you talking about? I'll tell you. All of these prisoners being released early, and we're thinking, well, that's not fair. You do a crime, you get two and a half years in prison, you're out already because no one can run prisons well. But if you make the prisons so nice, releasing people early will be the punishment. I think that's what's happening in our society. They're making... Look, you can get the SIM cards, and someone's probably smuggling that charger in for you. At least one when you can clip down those two pins. The three-pin plug is the problem when it comes to smuggling.

[00:09:32] And then what's going to happen is, they'll say, right, you're being released. Oh, no, I promise I won't do it again. And that's... I think that's our only hope for having a criminal justice system. Mike Tyson's back in the news. I know, it's quite retro, this, isn't it? He says that he used psychedelic frog venom to cure anxiety. Has no one ever told him the thing about the old lady who swallowed a fly? It feels like if you've got some anxiety, that's tough, that's harsh for you. You can get extra time in exams. I don't think he's sitting many exams. But, oh, no, you've got anxiety.

[00:10:03] But then toxic psychedelic toad venom. Do you not think, if that's the cure to it, sometimes the cure is worse than the problem. The ex-heavyweight boxer champ, Sixty, told a new Netflix documentary that he was abusing substances during his fighting career, but he found a shaman, he's a good, he's a good, who introduced him to a drug made from toad venom that said to cure my anxiety. He said, when I first... When I think about it... I'm doing Michael Jackson. How do you do it? Well, when I...

[00:10:33] No, it's still Michael Jackson. When I think about the low point, I think about this... Basically, he went and licked some toads. And I'll tell you who I feel sorry for in this. The toad. It must be bad enough when the toad sees a normal human going up, but seeing someone his size, facial tattoos, going, hee-hee, wrong impression again, but you see what I'm saying? Poor little thing. No wonder they secrete some sort of venom. There's that medical thing. It's probably a medical thing. You hear about it a few times where someone has a medical condition

[00:11:02] and they wake up and they've got a different accent. It's like some TSA, whatever they call it, TSI, temporary, a scheme, TA, I don't know. A woman who woke up with a Geordie accent no longer wants her old one back. 29-year-old was diagnosed with a rare condition called foreign accent syndrome. So she got up from a nap and suddenly she was like, She might not have done that last bit. Three years on, she said, I feel like this is my voice now.

[00:11:29] Isn't that weird that you'd have an accent change due to some sort of medical condition and now you don't want the old one back? She would just check to see where she was originally from. Staffordshire. So she used to sound a little bit brummy. All right, no, absolutely fair play. Driverless taxis. They're coming. And apparently they lack crucial safety measures. Oh, they lack a driver. I think that's probably what it's about, isn't it? The London Assembly Transport Committee said it had not heard convincing proposals to safeguard passengers

[00:11:58] experiencing assault or medical emergencies or coercion. Is that what it is? So they're not worried about this driverless taxi on the road. They're worried that there's no one to jump in the back and give you CPR. Listen, I mean this with love, but I know some taxi drivers, I think if they jumped on me and tried to give me CPR, they'd be more damaged than good. The Department for Transport said that driverless cabs would face rigorous safety testing

[00:12:26] before being allowed on the roads. But how are they going to... Unless you have to get in and attach those electrodes to you just in case you need a defibrillator. I suppose they've got the electricity, so do you know what? I should not have said that out loud because they might consider that to be a good idea. Whoops. Before we wrap up this part of the podcast, I'll give you this new story. It's another entertainment one. But Sylvester Stallone admits he can no longer do any stunts because he's had nine operations on his back. Yes.

[00:12:57] And this is and rather than a but. It says the actor, 80, accepts 80. Do you not think maybe it's because you're 80 that you can't do any of your own stunts? And we know that back in the day, Norman Wisdom was throwing himself on the floor into his 80s. It was a great deal. And it was upsetting for everyone. I don't know if you remember watching Norman Wisdom being interviewed. And he just couldn't stop, could he? He was in his dotage, but still getting up again. Flour himself down. He thinks, yeah, but Michael Parkinson

[00:13:26] is not going to be able to help. If you land funny, how much CPR does he know? He can't help you out. He can get you a funeral plan and a free bucket pen, but it can't necessarily help with any of that saving your life. Stop throwing yourself on the floor, man. Mrs. Grape, you don't. It gets tonight. Very successful. Actors. Successful pile of bones. Would you please welcome Norman Wisdom. I forgot to do a parkie. I forgot about that. Listen, podcast done. Normally I'd play the sound. You don't need it. Let's just go straight into the shut this bad boy down.

[00:13:56] Thank you for listening. Thank you for getting an update of news. It's what we do. Subscribe to this podcast for more news. Keeping yourself nicely updated. You can track me down on social media at Mr. Steve N Allen. And until the next one. Thank you for listening to Stephen Allen almost daily. This podcast is part of Podomity, the UK's podcast comedy network. Why not laugh at what else we've got?

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