Trump Coin Inflation

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[00:00:30] Testing, testing. Let's make some mother-flipping content. Hello, I'm Steve N Allen and welcome to Steve N Allen Almost Daily. The podcast that gets you up to date and it's the end of the week, so let's review. I think the best way to review this week's news is in song form. This week is Andy Burnham's. He's the man who'd take us back to the 70s, but the markets say we're screwed. I think that probably sums it up quite nicely.

[00:00:59] The front pages. Right, I haven't seen these yet, so let's walk through them together. The Times. Army halts training exercises to save money. What could be a downside of that? An untrained army. You know how previously I joked about sending in people on benefits? If you don't know where to spend the money, defence or welfare, just combine the two. And I was making a very silly point, and we are getting so closer to that actually being the truth.

[00:01:27] The Daily Mail has met chief stunned by release of serial criminals. No, actually, I do have some sympathy here for the police, because they must be annoyed by the prisoner early release scheme. Because it literally means there's going to be more criminals out there in the area they're in charge of. The police, famously, not in charge of the inside of prisons. So no wonder that's where they want the criminals to be. They're going to have to do more work on this one.

[00:01:55] Also, Smitten Sydney's A Gondola Girl. There's just going to be a picture. It says, see page three. It's going to be so fitting, isn't it? And the Guardian has Britain warned to get ready for biggest El Nino in a millennium. I tried to say millennium like it's got that little tilde over the end, and it just came out as millennium. Ministers advise storing food and water in case of winter power cuts. If I'm brutally honest, I never made my way through the tin goods from Covid, so I'll probably be all right.

[00:02:24] British people have been urged to stockpile enough food and water to survive a few days. Ha ha ha ha! You mean enough water to survive a few days. Have you seen the British people? We carry enough fat to make it through a lean three days. Bless them. Bless them for thinking that's our biggest problem. The front page of the Daily Telegraph. Argentina threat to Falkland's oil fields.

[00:02:51] I do worry that this is going to make somehow Prince Andrew will end up looking good about it. Should we zoom in and get all bored by it? Millet plans for sanctions on British firms set to trigger new row over future of Ireland. And we kind of know Donald Trump's not got our back on this one. And we kind of know we're not even training our army. In fact, the fact that we're not doing training exercises in the army, we probably shouldn't put on the front pages. Because Javier Millet can read this.

[00:03:20] And now he knows now's the time to prounce. Britain told to prepare for food shortages. He's also on the front page of the Telegraph. I'm just checking to see if there's any stories about Monjaro and Wegovi. Because normally they're nearby and no one ever spots the irony. No, I think we'll be all right. Airport chaos looms as EU set to enforce fingerprint rules. This has been fascinating as well. This whole system of you have to get your biometrics logged.

[00:03:48] But because they've not integrated their system, as soon as it's on their system, you definitely have to do it again next time. Because no one bothers pressing control S. Lovely. And what else on the front page down the bottom? King to be given slavery reparation demands. Oh. Let's zoom in on this one. I'm going to have to open. Hang on. I'm opening it in a bigger tab. It's too big. Envoys from Jamaica and other former British colonies will petition the king next week to help their campaign to be compensated for the slave trade.

[00:04:18] They want him to take direct legal steps that could strengthen reparations. Olivia Grange, Jamaica's culture minister, will lead the delegation to London. As if it's not embarrassing enough having the bio tapestry with one of our losses turned up. Now I've got this. What do you make of the whole debate about the fact that who's the name of the woman who went on like, who do you think you are? And she presumed her ancestors would have been slaved, but they own people.

[00:04:47] So it is more complicated, isn't it? I suppose it's not more complicated when it comes to the royal family. There was never any member of the royal family that earlier on was enslaved. So that's going to be a sticky wicket for them to try and play. But it is true that if any nation ended the thing... It's difficult, isn't it? It's difficult. Difficult. And then the front page of... We go to the mirror. Reform back Britain without our Chinese tat. Oh, sorry, with our Chinese tat. Oh, they don't mean tattoo either. They mean buying stuff.

[00:05:17] Oh. Reformer accused of hypocrisy for championing British industry while their conference sells merchandise that sold in China. Okay. There are better reasons to pick apart what's happening with reform rather than they bought stuff that's made in the place where everything's made these days. Putin growing more reckless as his inner circle shrinks, warns UK security minister. I know he's looked ill for a while, but I didn't realise that was his problem. His inner circle shrinking. Oof.

[00:05:47] Could you imagine? The great Guinness robbery is on the front page of the Star. Ah, someone is going to wake up with a hell of a hangover, they say, this morning after two lorry trailers with 800 barrels of Guinness were nicked. Having said that, though, if you drive that away, then you park up. Imagine how long you have to wait for 8,000 barrels to settle. This stuff won't be drinkable until the next millennium. Millennium. Still can't quite hit that tilde. And those are your front pages.

[00:06:17] Let's get inside the newspapers. In money news, ah, the old money, Donald Trump's released a pound coin. Now that makes it sound like he's a vending machine that's been smacked. I don't think that's what's happened here. But let's read on, should we? He's launched his own one, well it's not a pound coin, is it? It's a dollar coin. But don't worry, it is worth £2.44. Sorry, $2.44.

[00:06:42] So, I mean, do you think this might be a scam where someone sells you a dollar for $2.44? If you don't think that's a scam, I've got a £5 note with my name on it that I might write on it in a minute. It says here that he's whacked his face all over a load of gold-coloured coins with the inscription Liberty. And then it says 1776 to 2026. He's not that old, is he? He's looking good on it.

[00:07:10] But scholars say they should be illegal. Because the US has a tradition of not putting living people on currency. It's a hell of a way to find out. Imagine if that's how your doctors... I've got good news and bad news. The good news is you will be getting away with having that face on the coin. Hang on, that's the wrong impression. They're eating the dogs like a dog. That's the right impression. There you go. You're up to date. I suppose we call this entertainment news. Would you like to have less sympathy for Ewan McGregor? Strap in.

[00:07:39] Ewan McGregor is about to sell a rare classic car that he forgot he owned. The actor had a 1965 Ford Mustang convertible for 25 years, but forgot about it. He said, through one reason or another, I forgot about it. And then four years ago, I suddenly went, where's my Mustang? Mustang. Yeah. Look, that must be awkward. I get excited when I'm about to put a shirt in the wash and there's a £5 note in the pocket. And I'm like, wah! Result!

[00:08:09] And that's very much the difference between my life and Ewan McGregor. His car is worth at least £40,000. He just forgot about it. You know what it's like. I mean, I've forgotten where I've parked before, but I've never just moved on with my life. So there you go. How the other half live. Not very efficiently, it seems. The astronauts have been at it again. Or the spacey people. Not astronauts, actually. Not astro... Hang on, I'm struggling. Astrologers are the ones who are all like, oh, Saturn's in Uranus. That one, right? And astronomers are the ones who aren't idiots. Right, here we go.

[00:08:38] The moon may have been created in just five hours after a massive object smashed into the earth 4.5 billion years ago. And I always say with these stories, great, it's lovely we know that. It's not really going to change life. This one might do, though. They managed to make the moon in five hours. Which really pulls into focus the kind of mess they've been doing with Gallows Corner. No, no, no. You can make a moon in five hours. They've not fixed that flyover in what seems to be...

[00:09:07] Well, the whole thing was originally temporary from the 60s, wasn't it? What an absolute mess. HS2. Oh, yeah, we're struggling with planning permission. They made a moon in five hours. I can't even make a cake in five hours. And they made a moon. So it just goes to show something. I'm not really sure what it shows. But it shows a thing, does it? Do you feel safe? And I seem threatening when I say that to you, don't I? Do you feel safe? Do you reckon you're going to make it home tonight? All right, stay lucky.

[00:09:37] I say this because millions of us are apparently more aware of potential dangers in life thanks to listening to true crime podcasts. I never understood the obsession with listening to grisly details of bad stuff that's happened to other people. But they've done some research. David Wilson, Emeritus Professor at Birmingham City University, has said podcasts become the go-to way that many people consume true crime.

[00:10:02] A significant number say that they put lessons from true crime into practice. Only if it's like an everyday thing. You hear some of the cases that happen. It would make no sense. I wouldn't know how to defend myself against someone who's got like a big vat of acid and they've got plans. Sometimes you just want to crack on with your life. But if you want a podcast that will make you aware of the idea of crime but not make you too scared, I'd say listen to my podcast. Because loads of people have left comments saying, that's criminal. This should be outlawed.

[00:10:32] Things like that. So I think you'll be all right. Just an update on that last story. There are top ten tips on what to be aware of or, you know, how to keep yourself safe from the podcasts. Do you want reverse order? Reverse order. Number ten. Avoid wearing earphones. Don't say that because now people will be playing music out there chuffing mobile phone speakers. No. I'd rather you get kidnapped than not wear headphones. Wear headphones. Number nine. Share locations with friends. Yeah, I suppose. Number eight. Avoid certain routes. What?

[00:11:01] The ones with the kidnappers on? Mm. Thanks for that. Vague. Avoid certain routes. Which ones? Oh, no. Just the ones with the bad guys on it. Number seven. Let friends and family know your plans. Oh, that's basically the same as number nine. Well done. Number six. Folks choosing well-lit or busy areas when out. Hmm. That's a good idea as well because I've been able to see things. I tend to try and not walk in the dark. And I'm like a six foot two unit. Locking windows and doors more often. No, no, no. I only lock them as...

[00:11:30] You can only lock them once. Just... I don't want to get into the logistics of it. But I... For every time I've locked a door, I've had to unlock it again before I can lock it. Twicely. Or thricely. Again, this is like saying breathe out more. Really, you've got to average in and out. Number four. Checking who's at the door before answering. Yep, that's how doors work. Number three. Being cautious. Actually, back to number four. Also, I don't say come in unless you're sure it's not a vampire. Because if you invite them in, they got you.

[00:12:00] Number three. Being cautious about sharing personal information online. Well, which one is it? You just told me to put me pinned to my entire group of friends. Tag my location. We're a geo. Tag up me jackseans. Share that. And yet now I've got to be careful. Make your flipping mind up. Number two. Keeping phones charged when travelling. Yep. And... I mean, that again. That's how phones work. And number one. Being more aware of your surroundings. What I like about that one is that is also the lesson that Batman learned from Ra's al Ghul.

[00:12:30] And on that note, we agree. This bit's not going to work for an audio podcast. Probably should have saved it for a video one, but we don't have one coming up. But youtube.com forward slash at Mr. Steve N Allen. Because we mentioned that Javier Millet wants to try and nick the Falklands. There's a picture of him in the actual newspaper. And he's doing the hand gesture of Tommy Cooper. So it would be a funny bit to be able to tell you Javier Millet saying, I went to the Morvinas. Argentina, I barely knew her.

[00:12:59] But you can't see the picture, so I won't. Diane Abbott was apparently wrong to say that the threat from Russia had been made up by NATO. A minister has said this is Anna Turley, who criticised the veteran Labour MP. Oh yes, because she did that speech, didn't she, just the other week, where she said, of all the troubles in the world that you've got NATO upsetting Russia. And everyone was like, hang on, what? Sorry, who what? Now with who what? And then yesterday there was the story that Russia might be trying to hack our systems, that there's a grey war.

[00:13:27] It could therefore mean, in the overlap of Venn diagram, there is a chance that Diane Abbott is a Russian operative working for them. I still feel quite safe. Somehow, do you think she's going to help the Russians hack the IT system of the royals? I don't know. She does wear her shoes on the wrong foot. Now, I'm not an expert on hacking and code and all that stuff, but do you need to know your left from your right? Do you know what?

[00:13:56] Maybe the biggest compliment I could play is, there is a chance she might be able to hack the royals. I think this next story might show just how dirty my mind is. Well, maybe they've written it like this to make people like me think it, right? IKEA has announced their famous meatballs are going bottomless. And I don't know why that sentence makes me think of rude things. I just can't think of it. What's a bottomless meatball? Oof. What? On September the 21st,

[00:14:22] the Furniture Giant is serving up buffets at some of its UK stores. Fans can pile on their famous meatballs onto their plates with unlimited Swedish meatballs, chicken meatballs, plant balls. That's a weirder one, isn't it? Do you just mean conkers? Is that how that works? It'll be five... I'm reading out an advert, basically. What I'm saying is they've got in the newspapers by giving away some meatballs. I can't think of anything else it would, but the idea of bottomless...

[00:14:49] No, somehow I'm worried that if someone invites me to a meatball night and said it's bottomless, I'm turning up wearing the wrong outfit. Do you know what I mean? I'm dressed like Winnie the Pooh, just a T-shirt. But then again, if ever there's a place to turn up to not wearing anything on the lower half, it's not an event where people are eating meatballs. Let's just move on. Talking of technology, cosmetic surgeons are increasingly frustrated as more patients demand that medics make them look like and they'll bring in a picture, and the picture is flawless AI.

[00:15:20] Yeah. And it's pictures themselves. So one in seven doctors have admitted that their patients turn up with a picture of themselves that's been processed by AI to make them look perfect, and they say, any chance of this? How do they not know? I'm not for people losing money in scams and things, but if you turn up, you kind of deserve to have the money taken away from you. Of course, it can't make you look perfect. Think about what you're giving them to work with. You know what I mean? I once, you know,

[00:15:50] I do live streaming on YouTube and topical comedy things and on TV reviewing newspapers, and honestly, if you ever get a gig where you're my age and you're regularly on TV with those cameras, you learn to just accept the state of your face. Honestly. Oh, some shows I look back and go, I'm mainly, I'm more eye bagged than I am human. What's going on there? But for a while, I was doing these live streaming things and I bought a new camera, and I was like, wow, I am looking good these days. What? I started to get some self-confidence back. I was like,

[00:16:20] look at me. Maybe it's the lighting, but I'm looking good. Ooh. And then I realized there's a setting on the camera that's called beautify. So in real life, I do not look like that. Why would you want to look worse in real life? Why would you want people to see you online and they can look at you in real life and go, oh, you want it the other way around, don't you? Or maybe that's just me. I don't know if you're busy or what you've got planned, but there's a five-day retreat that's about to start. And yoga therapist Marion Bevington,

[00:16:50] who suffers from IBS, has launched this. It's for people who want to break wind. It's a retreat where you can just go and let rip. A five-day breaking wind retreat is about to blast off with all the guests urged to stop holding it all in. The bizarre event even promises to welcome people with exceptionally smelly ones. Organizers advise them to simply leave the room if things get too much. Here's another idea that might save you some money.

[00:17:20] Have you ever tried staying at home where you just can do that? Have you ever thought about that? What are you living like if you can't just let it all in? Marion said, what we learn and what we teach is the art of letting go. I don't need a GCSE in that. You know what I mean? Imagine if you get graded at the end of it as well. You break wind and someone goes up. That's an A. You're like, wow, I didn't realize you could spot the note I was doing.

[00:17:50] All right, that's a podcast. Done. News in your head. Thank you for listening. Subscribe, why don't you? It would be nice. You can regularly receive this little update and you tap on it and just find out what's happening in the day's news. There's also youtube.com forward slash at mrstevenallen. See some of the videos on the news that we do and substack.com forward slash at mrstevenallen for some of my newspaper columns from various locations. There is a chance you pick up your local newspaper you'll get to read a column by me as well. It really is like I'm stalking you but in very much

[00:18:20] a not threatening way because I'm past it. That kind of vibe, isn't it? Till next time. Thank you for listening to Stephen Allen Almost Daily. This podcast is part of Podomity, the UK's podcast Comedy Network. Why not laugh at what else we've got? Visit podomity.com.