What's a Mega-Dinghy?

[00:00:00] Hello, I'm Stephen Allen and welcome to Steve N Allen (almost) Daily. Let's get your quick news update. Hello, I'm Stephen Allen. This is Tuesday, the 11th of August. One of the main headlines today, Trump hidden in catering truck in secret plane swap over a ram threat. I don't know the full details, but I bet you when you open that catering truck, no food left. Let's find out. Let's do the front pages. We can start with the Daily Telegraph.

[00:00:28] No Limit to Migrant Mega-Dinghy. I don't know why I find that difficult to say. And it's because of the spelling, isn't it? Dinghy's a weird one. But, what's that H? Where's that come from? But, I can't be the only one who when you think of a mega dinghy, you think of Autobots and Decepticons. Oh, it's a dinghy. It's a robot. You don't think of that? It wouldn't float, would it? Because it's a robot.

[00:00:53] Well, French Lifeboat Service warns that more asylum seekers will be piled onto the boats after record 230 cross the channel in a single trip. I've got to be honest. It's a really long dinghy and it looks stupidly long. That is ridiculous. It looks like they've gone down Subway rather than a dinghy shop. That is, it's too much. I mean, that's not a controversial thing to say, isn't it? That's too much dinghy.

[00:01:20] Front page, well, we can carry on with the front page of the Telegraph, actually. Well, we'll get you up to date with all the little bits of news. Infantino rivals in talks over breakaway events. That'll help. As I said, I don't like the idea of selling off football. I mean, it kind of already was. Because when you've got sponsored hydration breaks, you're more corporate than you are game. But surely a man can have a fling at work. Burnham spitting in our faces by freeing killers says Harper's friend. But I tell you what, the other front pages say that actually it looks like that's going to change.

[00:01:50] Burnham demands plan to keep PC killers in jail is on the front page of the Times. So previously on the podcast, I even listened to yesterday's podcast because I went for a run afterwards and I listened to it. So that's one listener I got. But I was pointing out, don't come with all this. What can we do? It's the rules. You are literally in charge of the rules. We vote for you to go make some rules in an old crumbly building. Make the right rules.

[00:02:18] Daily pill for weight loss will keep you slim for life if you take it every day. That's also on the front page of the Times. The UK has become the first country in Europe to approve a daily weight loss pill. I think, look, this is it, isn't it? I was growing up a chubby child and I kept saying, oh, I just wish there was some pill you could take. And there is now and I just have to get over myself and take it, aren't I?

[00:02:42] Rather, I mean, I think at the moment it's only been proved for people who are severely obese or have obese related conditions. And I don't think I've got any of that. I don't think I've got. I get out of breath when I tie my shoes. Is that it? Can I? Is that it? This is called orphoglipron. Hmm. They need a better one than that, don't they? Do you want some orphoglipron? Yeah. No, it sounds like you made that up. And they did, I guess. And that's how it works, isn't it?

[00:03:11] I remember chemical names because there'll be some sort of like 1, 3 by triphenol. There'll be one of those systematic names that no one likes. 1, 1 by tribromaphon, all those ones. Whereas then you give it like a science-y name and everyone hates it so much they give it a brand name. So it'll be called like gonfat or something like that at some point. Honestly, though, we're living in that time. I didn't like the idea of everyone having to do injections because if everyone, if you see everyone stabbing a needle into themselves, giving themselves drugs,

[00:03:40] it would be like everyone is living in Glasgow. And no one wants that. Not even the Glaswegians. So instead, Daily Pills, something in it. The front page of the Daily Mail, Daily small boat crisis became a big boat crisis. It's a long boat crisis, but you can't call it that because long boats are a different thing, aren't they? And narrow boats are different. Mainly all the size boats have already become official names. That's why I've been left with mega dinghy. 45 million Brits in drought areas.

[00:04:10] This is according to the mirror. A fifth heat wave of the summer hits. And wildfires take hold of the country that's left. I know it is quite warm, isn't it? That's my hot take on that one. The star you'll never deliver alone. Amazon is primed to buy Liverpool Football Club. Okay. I don't really care either way. You see what I mean about football's already been sold off? If Amazon's buying it. That'd be weird when it's seen in the game.

[00:04:39] Whistle goes. A kickoff. All of a sudden some van turns up and just throws a ball in the back of the net. I'd watch that though. Oh, on the front page of the I, the main story is 45 million people in the UK now living in drought. Yeah, true. But I'm trying to drink less water. That. No, you're welcome, planet. Because every other day it's, oh, you should drink more water. Drink more water. Oh, you've got bad skin. Drink water. Just nonstop being told to drink water. You know what? I'm going to drink a bit less.

[00:05:09] No, you keep it. But also on the front page of the I, Stormy Daniel's back in the news. There's a climate change related thing. My mother adored Trump despite everything. Wow. The other year got some money. The Guardian. How to make sense of the time of chaos. Read poetry. No, I ain't doing that. That's not going to help anyone. Thanks to The Guardian for that advice. Unless it was kind of, you know, there once was a woman from one of those ones.

[00:05:40] Firefighters raise alarm over surge in unprecedented summer blazers. As in fires. I don't know why they didn't say fires there. I suppose it's because they've said firefighters. But blazers sounds like there might just be a lot of smart jackets going off. That's not what's happening. Pressure on banks over surveillance reporters. What's this? What's this? The businessman and Reform UK donor Aaron Banks. Oh, that Banks. I was worried about me there. Is facing calls to lay out the extent of his surveillance of journalists.

[00:06:09] Oh, journalists being surveilled. I work in news media and I am aware that I am so low down. This podcast is not getting me Aaron Banks paying attention. Aaron Building Society still wouldn't be paying attention to me. And the Daily Express. Why not treat ourselves? Kemi rule out new taxes to prevent more hardship. Kemi Badenock has warned of more hardship unless Andy Burnham rules out tax rises. He's already not done though.

[00:06:38] He's already said there might be room for maneuver on taxes. You saw that headline and you thought, oh. And then if you read the small print up. Oh, missed it by that much. And those ear front pages. You know, another fellow comedian, but he's a successful one. But other than that, we're very similar. Al Murray is in the news. He said the one thing he hates about playing his pub landlord character is having to go bald. Do you know what I hate about this? Hearing that he doesn't have to go bald.

[00:07:06] That's like, don't mock the afflicted. He says that people think he's a bald beep because of the character. But Al, 58, insists he's not a slaphead. Oh, that's our word. You can't use that. If you're not one, you can't use that. I can use that. You can't use that. He says he prefers to be more shaggy. Well, we all prefer. Oh, no, I see what it means. It's really annoying to realize. I thought he was a fellow sufferer like me. He's just, he's doing bald face. Can you say that? I don't think you can say that.

[00:07:35] So we'll probably just move on. According to a little study, parents would rather see their kids launch a business than go to university, according to the most obvious poll I've ever seen. Of course. Of course you would. Look, back in the day when going to university was aspirational, maybe there was something in it. Back in the open university days, you know, you thought, what do you want for your kids? I want them to wear some horrible colored shirts and really wide ties. I think that's what physics is about.

[00:08:01] I think it's mainly about the width of the tie that shows how important you are in the physics establishment. But these days not, is it? Oh, our son went to university. What do they study? Harry Potter dissertations. What? Oh, he's got a, he's got a 2.1 in lawn management. Oh, my God. Because then you kind of assume whatever you get a degree like that. Of course, you're working in some sort of fast food restaurant. Whereas you start a business. We all know most fail.

[00:08:30] But for the one that doesn't, for the one that's the Dyson. Look, I imagine Dyson's parents were very happy with the situation. He really cleaned up. By the way, congratulations to Rod Stewart. He's become a granddad for the sixth time. Well, he's got a sixth grandkid. I think you already are. Let's not split hairs. He is, he must be happy. Having grandkids, absolutely love it. He's 81. So I feel torn on this.

[00:09:00] Because in some ways, being a grandchild of Rod Stewart must be amazing. Firstly, there's a bit of inheritance popping around. It's going to help the family. But secondly, other than singing, what is Rod Stewart recently famous for? His love of model railways. You get to go and visit the old gramps and he's got the model railway out. Oh. But the flip side, the downside is when you ask your parents, hang on, why does gramps have enough money for all these railways and have all that money for the inheritance?

[00:09:27] And your parents have to say, oh, he did a song where he asked everyone if he was sexy. No, your own grandparents. It's not a thought you should have, is it? You know what I mean? Quick hit on this news story. Dogs can distinguish between human fear and human sadness, according to a new study. I mean, good. They can't really help with either. But it's nice that they're paying attention. I suppose researchers scanned the brains of the pooches and they were shown images of different people's faces. And they could respond differently to the people who were sad

[00:09:56] and people who were afraid. Great. Dogs can discern a couple of human emotions. Here's the weird thing. Cats can discern human emotions. They just don't give two flips. Yeah, you're sad, you're fearful. As long as food's coming, they're just going to leave you to it. Oh, I've got a complaint. There's a thing that's not about me, which I'm amazed we don't get more. But there's a thing in the news. Plans for a beetle museum have received a dressing down from Taylors.

[00:10:23] It's the Fab Four old HQ in London's Savile Row, set to be a visitor attraction. But all the people who flog all the suits there are going like, hang on. They're not going to be buying suits, are they? It's going to make it too busy around here. I would just like to agree with how annoying the Beatles can be. Every week when I drive in to do the newspaper review on GB News, I drive down Abbey Road. And all of the tourists. So, big old zebra crossing.

[00:10:51] And I'm driving down there, and I'm like, oh, someone's standing at the zebra crossing. I'll stop. So you stop, and they wave you on, because they want a picture of them crossing the road without my dirty Igoe in the background. In fact, no one wants a picture of my dirty Igoe in the background, but specifically these tourists. And then you just get so annoyed at having to do it, that eventually you think, I'm just not going to stop for all these tourists, sort of the thing. And then every so often, someone will shout at you, because they wanted to cross the road. Could we do something about this? I'm not sure what it was.

[00:11:19] Because recently, it wasn't a problem, because there's been loads of roadworks on Abbey Road, and you could see the look on these tourist faces who turned up, wanting a picture of a lifetime. And all they've got is three-way temporary traffic lights in. That wasn't on the album, was it? Oh, there's a story in the news of an ice cream van that's been banned from a council estate, and you think, what's he been up to? Imagine you, bunch of wrongans. What have you been doing? He was banned for, get this, playing his chimes. Hang on.

[00:11:49] No, I'll read that one again. The council stepped in when locals moaned that his loud jingles were played at 8pm. Not at 8pm! Which is an hour over the legal limit. I did not realise. Oh, you could only play chimes up till 7pm. I know there's some rule in the highway code about honking your horn. I tend to not do that myself anyway.

[00:12:14] But yeah, we now live in a world where ice cream van gets banned for playing an ice cream... Basically, you're just wanting normal vans. I don't think we want to live in a world where your kids buy ice creams from the back of a normal van. Do you know what I mean? Somehow, that seems far worse. There's your podcast, All Sorted. If you're quick about it, and you can watch on catch up as well, I'm doing the live stream version of a news review on youtube.com forward slash at MrStevenAllen today at 12.

[00:12:43] But as I say, it'll be on there afterwards as well. Plus, we're doing more night time ones of those. Basically, get subscribed to my YouTube channel. Get subscribed to this darned podcast. What are you doing, you fool? Quick, press the thing. And you'll get all of these swift news updates getting you all the angles of the news that other places don't seem to bring you. And, nope, that's it. Don't know why I tried to make a long list of it. I'll see you on the next one. Thank you for listening to Stephen Allen Almost Daily.

[00:13:11] This podcast is part of Podomity, the UK's podcast comedy network. Why not laugh at what else we've got? Visit Podomity.com.