Which Crims are Coming Out

[00:00:00] This September, Podomedy, the podcast comedy network, is supporting Calm's Stay Tuned campaign, using podcasts like this one to help raise money for suicide prevention. If you can spare £12.20, that's enough to fund the cost of answering a potentially life-saving call to Calm's helpline. You'll find the donation link in the show notes. Whatever you can give this month, thank you.

[00:00:25] Hello, I'm Steve N Allen, and welcome to Steve N Allen Almost Daily. Hello, welcome to the show that gets you up to date with your news in record time. On a day when, I don't know, it's a bang holiday, not a lot. It was Notting Hill Carnival yesterday, and I was working yesterday in Paddington, which turns out is very near. I kind of went through the tail end of people having carnival fun. I saw a lot of bottoms, and I nearly got my bottom out as well. I'm that much of a blending kind of guy.

[00:00:54] I was thinking, you know what, I reckon I can make it through this crowd if I got my bottom out. But I decided against it because you don't know why. All right, anyway, let's look at the front pages. We can walk through these front pages together. I've not seen them yet today. The Daily Mail, more dangerous criminals to be freed early. I think we know that, though, don't we? The early release scheme of prisoners. There's a reason these people are in prison. It's not going to be like, good news, look who we've got back on the streets.

[00:01:24] Stalkers and abusers on indefinite sentences are up for release. Sweet and mercy. The stalkers one is ridiculous. What's the one thing you know about stalkers? I don't think they even wanted to stalk. Do you know what I mean? If you're a stalker, whatever you're doing, you're kind of addicted to that behaviour. You can't be trusted. You're aware of the fact that if you kept doing something, you'd end up in prison. So they kept doing it, they go in prison. And now we're saying, out you go. Just make sure you don't do that thing you can't stop doing. So, front page of...

[00:01:54] Sorry, I will find something that's a bit more positive at some stage. I mean, not on the Times, I won't, because that's earlier release blocked for manslaughter prisoners. Oh, so there you go. Maybe some people convicted of manslaughter won't be out. Is that the silver lining? That's a pretty cloud-based silver lining, isn't it? And there's a story about a woman who's applied for 100 jobs. I'm guessing didn't get any. Otherwise, it feels weird to even mention it. And also on the front page, you can't beat a weekend lion to help your heart. Controversial.

[00:02:22] Hitting the snooze button at the weekend could boost heart health and ward off high blood pressure. That's interesting, as there's some bad news about lions later in the show. One hour and 27 minutes of extra sleep resulted in the most beneficial blood pressure change, according to a study. The amount was linked to a 9% lower likelihood of high blood pressure. One hour and 27 minutes. I don't know. I'm already quite on edge about the fact that I might sleep in for those extra three minutes.

[00:02:50] The maths you'd have to do on your little calendar app thing to set the alarm properly. I say it is weird because there's another one somewhere. Where has it gone? One of the front pages talking about lions. Because a lot of lion news, you know, we'll find it as we plow on. And we've got the Guardian. Goes with Burnham keeps PC killers in jail, but fears grow over prison capacity. Right. Yes, it's either do you want to release the baddies or not put other baddies in. Great.

[00:03:20] Picture of Notting Hill Carnival. My bottom? Nope, not my bottom. Dancing in the streets. Notting Hill Carnival's 60th anniversary. I would have ruined it if I turned up and got my bottom out. That's true of most things. If I turn up a moon, whatever it is just got worse. Iceland says no to restart of talks to join the EU. I'll let you do your jokes about supermarkets yourself. You don't need me for that one, do you? And here we are. Feel like a lion. It may be good for you after all. Researchers found that a modest catch-up on the weekend is good for you.

[00:03:50] Interesting. Stick around. Later in the show, there's an actual news story saying that it's bad for a certain type of people. Is that you? You'll have to listen to find out. Oh, that's how I get you, isn't it? Burnham to free high-risk criminals is on the front page of The Telegraph. And AI bubble is threat to global economy, warns Bank Chief. This is up my street. Let's have a read of this one. Andrew Bailey, the governor of the Bank of England,

[00:04:18] has warned of a severe downturn in global stock markets if the AI bubble bursts. Yeah, I suppose, because capital versus labor. But capital will have the ability to buy computers that do stuff. That's, this guy's the top job. Honestly, maybe I'm a genius. No, you know, look at that thing where you think, half of this, I mean, clearly I'm not. I know that much. I'm that, I'm clever enough to realize I'm not a genius. But half of this stuff just makes so much sense. You think, what am I doing? Am I taking vitamins that other people aren't?

[00:04:47] In a letter to the G20 finance ministers, Mr. Bailey raised concerns over the economic fallout if a debt-fueled AI investment boom started to unravel. Then it's the AI company's fault for taking out debt across periods of, what was it, around 20 years or something? So they can take out debt across 20 years to buy technology because obviously the expensive

[00:05:12] stuff is the GPUs, these graphics cards, which can be used to do mundane maths. Run of the mill, not like the CPU is really good at a variety of processing issues, but it's hard work. Whereas the GPU can do massive amount of numbers of really dumb maths. And that's what you need for AI, right? All the NVIDIA stuff. So what they've done is they've taken out loans across 20 years to buy for graphics cards

[00:05:40] that, you know what graphics cards are like, right? They'll need replacing because they'll be outdated in, well, how long does your phone last these days? Two years from now, your phone will look pretty old. If someone offered you a 20-year loan to buy a two-year phone, you'd say, don't be stupid because in two years from now, I'm going to be absolutely done with the wazoo. So that is happening in the world of AI. And in fact, I bet if you went on to Claude and asked it about it, it could probably see that problem as well. Guilty weekend lines.

[00:06:10] Oh, there you go as well. Free rapid cholesterol tests hit the high street. Finger prick blood tests to check for cholesterol will be available on the high street under the NHS plans. A seven-minute test will be available. I've done one of these, actually. I didn't send through the post. First, the NHS pharmacist is part of a national rollout to spot the ticking time bomb of people's cholesterol. Just that recap again. You can go and get a little finger test about your cholesterol.

[00:06:38] But if you're a man and you want to know about your prostate thing, nope. None of that for you. Meanwhile, I've zoomed in too much on this website. We can take a look at... There's nothing really positive on the front page of the Mirror. Oh, Kylie Minogue hits one billion. She's got one billion downloads of one of her songs. So she's dressed like she did in the video again. You know what? I've released something on Spotify.

[00:07:03] The I'm Tired EP by Stephen Allen, including first album, Poor, I'm Tired and I Need Some Money Right Now. If that gets a billion downloads, I'll dress like Kylie too. I've already got the shoes. I fear Andrew's staff won't cooperate with police, says someone about Prince Andrew. Some insert joke about him sweating. And Harry should... Oh, I like this one. Harry should pay for security costs in the UK, says two-thirds of people in a public poll.

[00:07:33] It's not often I fall out with the public so much, but I think you're wrong, two-thirds of the public, because I know you might not like Harry, because it's one of those siloed opinion things. If you like Brexit, you've got to like Harry and Meghan. You've also got to like electric cars. You know, you can group them up. You don't get to pick and choose your opinions these days. Pick something a la carte and you're up and running. However, if you're one of the people who don't like Harry and Meghan, he's still the son of

[00:08:02] the king of fools. That's why he needs the security. If someone kidnaps him, that's all the news is going to be for ages. So he deserves security, not because whether you like him or not, but because he's at risk as to who his dad is. Yeah. His dad would be absolutely frantic. His brother obviously wouldn't break a sweat. There you go. We all knew that joke was coming at some stage. We fit it in a different story. Cheeky. Them's your front pages. Let's get inside the newspapers next.

[00:08:32] Technically entertainment news, but I love this story. Home Alone star Macaulay Culkin is set to return for a reboot in the hit film franchise. Right. Yes, you're right. There are no new ideas, but might as well go with it. The actor, 46, is said to be in talks with Disney to do the thing, replace Kevin McAllister. So back in the original comedy in the 90s, he was a kid left at home. There were some sequels. No one cares. The new one. Who is it?

[00:08:57] The boss says, a Disney boss says, clearly there'll have to be a plot flip where McCulkey's famous character is now the grown up and he has a kid of his own. And no, no, no, no, no, no, no. What you should do is get Macaulay Culkin playing the character of Kevin McAllister in a remake of the film Panic Room where he's a grown up also having to fend off two kind of thieves. That would be amazing. Look, Jodie Foster, love your work.

[00:09:26] But if you could get rid of her and replace him with Macaulay Culkin. Oh, come on. We'd all watch that. Scarlet Moffat. Remember Scarlet Moffat? It says here that she's joked that she's very above board after getting engaged to a police officer. Good. No, you wouldn't. You wouldn't want to get arrested unless that's what you're into, in which case keep that to yourself. The former I'm a Celeb star met her fiance, Scott, who's they've been together for eight years when she called 999 because of a paparazzo in the garden.

[00:09:57] You know what I realized reading this? This is exactly the same as me and the missus. It says, I am not phased by spiders. My missus is afraid of spiders. Whenever there's a spider, it's my job to get rid of it. And sometimes I think to myself, is that the only reason I'm here? You know what I mean? Is that the only reason, my only use? And he must think exactly the same. She's married him. She's going to marry him. And he'll be in charge of getting rid of the paparazzos. They're bigger, but they've got fewer legs.

[00:10:26] But it seems very much the same deal. But apparently weather news. Brits are set for another sizzler with a sixth glorious heat wave on the cards. This one can't phase us, can it? At this time of year, a heat wave is just going to be nice, isn't it? Let's read on. Weather maps reveal a plume of hot air sweeping across the southern and eastern parts from September

[00:10:51] the 5th, sending temperatures rocketing back up to 28 degrees. That's nothing, mate. What we're used to this year, 28 degrees, a nice walk in the park. Might actually do one of those. We got used to 30-somethings. And that's the thing. Heat waves are defined by three or more days with temperatures so much above the average or something. Or the expected temperature based on the average. Well, every time you have an heat wave, it's going to make the average go up, isn't it?

[00:11:19] At some point, these heat waves will stop, but we'll still be sweaty. Look forward to that. Just let me read what the newspaper says on this and I'll tell you why I disagree. Here's what it says. A celebrity psychic and astrologer has lifted the lid on what to expect when Harry and Meghan return to the UK. No, she's not. She's a psychic and an astrologer. She's just had a darn good guess. Actually, maybe she just had a bad guess.

[00:11:47] She's lifted the lid using what information? Oh, no, she's just in touch with the spirit realm. Okay, why does the spirit realm know that much about what's happening with Harry and Meghan? Surely they've got bigger fish to fry. I think of some of the big characters they've got up there or down there. But anyway, just four weeks ago, Inbarl predicted that Meghan's relationship with the royal family will finally be repaired. Or it won't. We'll find out.

[00:12:13] Citing mid-August as the perfect date for a family reunion. Days later, news broke of their imminent return. That's not the same thing. It doesn't seem that their relationship has been repaired. This bad relationship is just taking place over a smaller distance. Put that in your satin, your ruler, and your Capricorn and smoke it. What color's your bathroom? I say that. It's very much a rhetorical question. I hope I never find out, but pistachio has been named the trendiest color of 2026.

[00:12:45] Pistachio. Putting the business in pistachio, if you don't know. Here's why. So it's a survey of 2,000 people found that soft green is now, it beats rivals such as sage green. Would you know the difference? Sage green and pistachio? Chocolate brown and, well, that's just browning, and butter yellow is now the trendiest color. And yet, if you have an avocado bathroom from the 70s, you'll get mocked. There's not a lot of distance.

[00:13:15] If you have pistachio, it's trendy. Avocado is not trendy. But back when avocado was trendy, it's so long ago, it's probably faded into pistachio. What I'm saying is, all of this is nonsense. I always feel harsh for taking this angle on certain stories. I've just reached that age, maybe. Early starts on school days and lie-ins on weekends could be worsening anxiety in teenagers, according to a study. Great, I guess. Look, yes, it's effectively like shift work. We know that shift work is not good for you.

[00:13:44] The teenage body wants to have a lie-in, and yet we make them get up earlier. However, if the most anxiety-causing thing in your life is your lions, don't do the lions then. Come on, if you've got to pick a... If it's the change that's doing you in, just get up early every morning, be one of those people. Or just realise that if the biggest problem in your world is the issue of lions, that's probably OK. Yes, it might be causing anxiety,

[00:14:12] but when you actually have a real life... You know what I mean? How harsh I feel for saying this, but if you think a lion causes anxiety, you wait till you get your first bill. I don't understand a lot of this story, but we're still going to do it. EastEnders legend Daniela Westbrook has banned fans from having X-rated chats with her new AI twin, while admitting she's envious of how good her digital double looks. Not that much of a double then, but I see where we're going with this.

[00:14:41] So she's created a lifelike virtual version of herself that fans can chat to, but insists the conversations are a bit... are off-limits. I suppose that, yeah. Why is she doing that? Is that because she wants to funnel all of those conversations directly to her? In which case, clever move. No, I take it back. I was about to say you've missed the beat on this one. There's money to be made, but no. You're right. Some things require the artisanal touch. Is it a full moon?

[00:15:10] It actually can't be a full moon, can it? Or is it because there's an eclipse coming soon? By the way, a little side note. I found out recently that every time there is a solar eclipse within the same fortnight either side, you will get a lunar eclipse. Fact! However, that's not what we're here to talk about. The reason I ask about the worry of there being a full moon, we had that story of the astrologer who's telling us what's happening, lifting the lid on Harry and Meghan. No, I've got another one.

[00:15:39] Another right one over here. A real-life Dr. Doolittle claims she can communicate with animals telepathically. Right. No, is there something in the water? Because it feels like... Carolina Strinova says that she has discovered her unusual ability after enrolling on a pet communication course. Oh, no credit to the course then. Literally enrolls in a course that teaches you how to communicate with animals. And then she just says, no, I've already got the gift. You probably want your money back then, aren't you? You're an absolute waste.

[00:16:08] It's like learning how to speak French when you found out you were born there. The 32-year-old who has a PhD in animal behaviour, didn't notice it before then, just when did this course, says that she was astonished when she started receiving verifiable information from creatures. Not that you've studied them and your subconscious gets all this, you know, like Malcolm Gladwell's blink. No, no, no. It's just that she is... Of all the animals to be able to connect to, it's kind of a waste that you're a telepathic,

[00:16:38] but not with people. Something that could be useful, you could pull off on a massive heist, something like that. No. Now you're just going to hear dogs thinking, sausages, quite a lot. I suppose it gives you a bit of a heads up about when they find your leg appealing. So I suppose there is a bit of a use to it, but still. I'm going to file this one under weird news, I suppose. A man, his name's Brendan Swallow, should you be bothered, has found a letter that's 71 years old hidden in some plaster when he was taking a shelf down. And I'm not sure if part of me thinks

[00:17:07] you shouldn't read that letter, because it's not... Unless it was addressed to you, and it's not, because he's... Where's his age? He's less than 71, right? So it was not him. It's mail fraud, isn't it? Reading someone else's letter like that, just because they put it in the wall. Then again, it's 71 years old. 71 years late, this letter, which probably means it's a good average for second class. But he had a read. He said, it was addressed to simply the finder. Oh, I see. Now they'd left him a message. Oh, that's a good idea.

[00:17:37] Oh, if ever I do any kind of DIY work, I'm going to leave a map, a treasure map. No treasure, just the map. Make them absolutely waste their time. And that's just about all we have time for. Oh, speaking of which, there's... I've got a merch store now as well. If you track me down on social media, I'll start tweeting about it later on today. I've got T-shirts, I've got mugs, and there's a special thing coming. Actually, I won't exactly say what it is, but just find me on socials.

[00:18:04] There's a big merch dump happening soon. That sounds wrong, but accurate. Weird, isn't it? And substack.com forward slash at Mr. Stephen Allen for the article I'm going to write later today. Till next time. Thank you for listening to Steve N Allen almost daily. This podcast is part of Podomity, the UK's podcast comedy network. Why not laugh at what else we've got?

[00:18:35] Visit Podomity.com.