Episode 6: Solo

[00:00:02] Everything okay, Steph? Haven't heard from you ever since I stood you up. Oh, I just heard it. Yeah, again, so sorry about that. But do let me know you got this message okay. A more insecure boy would start getting worried. Luckily I am very sure of myself and in no way questioning and overanalyzing everything you've ever said to me. So yeah.

[00:00:30] Drop me a message when you can. I know I'm in the doghouse, but I do miss you. And I'd like to make up to you with a date. Like we never did go mini golfing indoors. It does sound mental, I know, but it is supposedly a thing people do now. There's probably alcohol so it'll be bearable, even among all the young people playing mini golf under intense UV lighting. Oh, we'll just have a

[00:00:58] brain aneurysm. Either way, fun awaits. Please message me. Voice Notes on My Phone. Episode 6. Solo.

[00:01:27] Ding dong, the witch is dead. But the heartless tin lady has left the building. The building is me. How could you be a tin lady and a witch? I've broken up with Jane. Well, yeah, so we split up. I thought you'd like to know that the curse has been lefted, etc. So I could do with hanging out. That would be super great.

[00:01:56] Trish, just checking you got this. It would be great to catch up with you. There is a bit more to the story that I feel I need to tell you, but that can... It can wait. It can wait till I see you. Can't wait to see you. Bridge, I have a slightly tragic life update for you if you've got a second.

[00:02:24] Hi, Dad. Can I talk to you about something? Glad you messaged. Need help with computer. Toolbar's gone. Whole email system affected. Please help. I just tried video calling, Dad. It'll be easier if I can see the screen. Can you pick up, please? Can't work out how to answer. Can only work voice snips.

[00:02:49] Voice notes, Dad. Also, you don't need to talk like you're sending a telegram. There's no limit. Look, forget a video call. If you just call me back, I'll talk you through it. Have minimised. Can't find anything. Hold tab gone. Help! Dad, call me. Same number keeps calling. Think being scammed. Going dark. OK, this was a bad idea. Never mind.

[00:03:21] Rich, promise me you'll never have children. Get off, dude! Oh, and thanks for that loan. Ow! um, yeah, I've now been able to keep them alive for a little bit longer. Um, anyway, me and Kate want to say thank you. So you and Jane, if you want to come around for dinner at the weekend, that would be cool. We've got a bread maker now, so, uh, the kitchen smells amazing. Mike, are you free for a chat?

[00:03:47] Yeah, of course, bro. Always got time for... No, Huey! No, that's my phone! Never mind. Just trying you again, Steph. I've sort of run out of ways to apologise at this point. Uh, sozcopters? No, immediately regret that. Please ignore. But don't ignore me.

[00:04:11] Um, I miss you. I am really sorry. Please get back to me. Thank you. Uncle Richard, I'm hiding in the garage. Huey, you are my hero. The quest for comedy domination continues, Richard!

[00:04:36] Mate, I've just done a day-long course in improvisation and I am buzzing! It's so easy! You literally just stand on stage with some other people and say whatever comes into your head! Ha, I am so funny. Honestly, I've definitely found my calling. Like, someone in the workshop started a scene with me and said something like, Hello, Billy! Welcome to your first day of school! I'm Mr. Dobson!

[00:05:05] And I said, Shut up, Dad! This is a bank and you're dead! He had nothing! I crushed it! Oh, the teacher said, You need to listen, Alex! And I was like, Oh, pardon! Crushed it again! That's twice! That's twice in one! Oh, God! Honestly, it is so easy to be funny in improv. Improv, that's what we call it. Yes and.

[00:05:34] Anyway, there's a jam at the Jolly Farmer, so... I'mma head down, watch this space... And sweep! That's another improv, so... Yeah, you don't need to know that. Alright, bye, mate. Oh, shit! Oh, shit! Oh, shit! I'm so sorry I didn't get your message, but... Congratulations, I guess, on your self-liberation. You okay?

[00:06:02] You sound sort of a bit too okay, so maybe you're not. Listen, I'm sorry, I would absolutely love to hang out, but Mears has whisked me off to Venice for the weekend. I know, I know, horrific cliché, and I hate myself, but the pastor is pretty fit, TBF. I'm sorry, though, terrible timing. Tell me everything! Yeah, well, I will, of course, give you all the grisly deets, but, yeah, I ended it, finally. Just realised, you know, it wasn't working and stuff.

[00:06:32] Say hi to Mears for me. You know, actually, I'll just give you a call. Okay, you're not picking up. Fair enough, you're probably being fed Tegliotelli from a gondola. I just... Oh, I feel like a bit of an idiot. But the reason... Well, not the reason. A reason I broke it off with Jane was because there was some... Never mind. Let's just chat when you're back.

[00:07:02] Okay. Don't fall in the canal. Bye. Bye. Lads, is anybody about for a drink tonight? I could really use one. Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. Bat signal received, chap. Destination, Bevy City. Oh, Bevy City. Been meaning to visit for a while now. Just need to check I can come with absolutely no one. Yes, I continue to be completely single and loving it, guys. Bevy City. Where the streets are paved with bevies.

[00:07:32] And also pavement. And you have to travel everywhere by, like, bevy. Like a ferry. You know, like a bevy. A ferry. Bevy. Bevy. Bevy. Bevy Copter was right there, Biff. That's why you're the pun master, mate. Yeah, look, I'll just see you guys at the pub, okay? Bevy Copter. Get us a Bevy Copter.

[00:07:57] Sorry, we're literally just off the plane then onto some sort of aqua car, boat car, I assume. Then the agenda is getting disgustingly romantic. Chat later. Oh, that's cool. No, you have a nice time. I'm going for a drink with the boys anyway. So you enjoy the city that never sleeps. Or it'll drown. I think that's the slogan for Venice. In the washing basket, Uncle Richard. Ha ha, got you. Ah!

[00:08:27] No! No! No! Okay. Oh, sorry. I've secured the phone from him. What was I even trying to tell you? See, this is the problem with kids. You're trying to set your mind to accomplish something here, like having a flippin' basic conversation. And it all goes out the window.

[00:08:57] Oh, God, I'm unfit. Hey, Richard. Life update. I'm no longer the new neighbour who shat himself in a bush. There's a new goss in suburbia. So after Pugate, which is what people are calling the gate by that bush now, BT dubs, I killed Len. A bit of context. I've been keeping a low profile, you know, head down, put the bins out, run back inside, just trying to fit in.

[00:09:25] And this guy from next door starts making small talk, clearly unaware of my pariah status. Anyway, he starts apologising to me for snagging a bit of privet from my front garden. I'll be honest, no idea what that meant. But it turns out I have something called a privet bush and he'd taken some leaves to give to his son's stick insect. Now, at this point, you're thinking, ah, the stick insect must have been called Len.

[00:09:52] And the privet bush was something like poison ivy or something like that. And I've got nothing to worry about. But that's only half true. He is called Len. Mate, I wish, I wish I'd poisoned a stick insect. We all want that. So Jeremy invites me over. His kid comes in and shows me Len. Even gets him out of his little cage thing and has him crawl up and around on the floor and all that. And it's a beautiful moment of new neighbours bonding and everyone's having a lovely time. And then his partner comes down.

[00:10:20] Now, his partner is eerily handsome. And I'll be honest, I get so swept up in his pearly blue eyes. I forget for a moment that I have seen them before. He's quicker and he realises, he knows me and I realise in that moment too. And just as he says, aren't you the bush guy? I'm up. I'm off the sofa. I'm flying for the exit, bombing it across the rear. My feet are pounding on the laminate flooring.

[00:10:47] And then there's a snap like a twig. And then I look down and I see a child with the face of someone whose guts have just been hoovered out of his mouth. And he looks up at me and he whispers softly, barely audibly, he goes, get your foot off of Len, poo man. So yeah, TLDR. I'm now locally known as Prick Insect. My property is listed on Rightmove. Steph. Hello.

[00:11:18] So I've gone out for a few drinks and had a really good chat with my friends about sports and not feelings in any way, shape or form. But it doesn't matter because I am feeling free and fine and realising I have nothing to be ashamed of or anything. So I am sorry if I offended you. Yeah, nailed that.

[00:11:48] OK, I know you won't be up because of your tucked up by ten rule, but your delightful nephew has been in our bed since 3am. And he is insisting on leaving you a voice note. OK, yeah, I'm giving him the phone. He is your problem now. Nana. Hi Uncle Richard, why aren't you and Auntie Jane coming on the weekend? Oh, hey Huey.

[00:12:17] Yeah, I'm really sorry we can't make Sunday. I'm afraid we're really sad about it, but we already have plans. Why? Well, Jane sort of wanted to do something else. And your daddy only mentioned this a couple of days ago. Why? Oh, well, because your daddy's quite disorganised, to be honest. Why?

[00:12:45] Well, I think it goes back to his childhood because he had such an organised older brother and sister. He sort of felt like he didn't have to worry about anything because anything he did would be sorted out by other people. And he'd always just land on his feet. Why? Why? It's called a learned behaviour. When someone relies on other people to fix all their problems every time they're in a situation that feels like a problem,

[00:13:11] they reach out to the people who fixed it last time and the whole thing becomes habitual. Why? Why?

[00:13:45] Great question. Over time, I think that faded. Well, I don't really know the answer to that question. Why? Because if I ask myself deep down, when did I fall in love with her, I kind of have to ask myself first, was I ever in love with her? And right now, I suppose I don't really feel like I am or like I was. Why?

[00:14:14] Huey, I think to be in love with someone, it's got to mean knowing that you would do anything for that person. And I think maybe that was true once upon a time, but it definitely isn't anymore. I don't love her anymore. Yeah, I really don't. And actually, there is someone else, if I'm honest. Why? Funny story, and I probably shouldn't be telling you this, but I've had a few too many glasses of milk.

[00:14:43] So I'm feeling a bit giggly. You know what milk's like. Anyway, this girl, she got my number by accident because a poo head of a man gave her a pretend number. His name is Harrison, by the way. But the number he gave her happened to be mine. And then we started talking and she was really nice. And now I'm getting that electricity feeling again, but with someone else.

[00:15:13] Does that make sense? Not really, but I like love. My mum and daddy love me. So if it's like that, it's nice, I think. Yeah. Yeah, I think that's bang on, Huey. You go to sleep now, okay? Okay, Uncle Richard. I love you. Love you too, little man.

[00:15:35] Voice Notes on my phone was written and performed by Richard Soames. Featuring Jodie Irvine, Sally Hodgkiss, Matt Highton, Will Hartley, Steve McNeil, John Henry Falle, Paul Foxcroft, Rob Soames, Alex Lynch. And introducing Alfie Soames.

[00:16:02] Music was composed by Ben Lloyd-Evans and the producer was Alex Lynch. This has been a Hot Seat production. For more voice notes on my phone, go to richardsomes.com. So I've been thinking about that next date. How would you feel about 18 holes of mini golf indoors? Yeah, I know it's probably a bit lame, but there's a dangerous amount of neon on the website and they have a bar so we can drink through the pain.

[00:16:30] Or both end up in hospital together with a brain aneurysm. Anyway, let me know, Harrison.