Episode 8: Resolutions

[00:00:02] Hey Rich, I just tried to spit into the toilet bowl. You know how you just spit into the bowl when you're about to take a piss because you've got all this excess saliva in your mouth, you know, and I just started spitting. Before I looked down, I didn't realize the lid wasn't up already, so I tried to backtrack my spit, like suck it back into the holding bay, you know. But in that moment, I'd committed too hard already to the bowl and the gravity was taking hold, so while I've still got the connection, I stepped back, forcing the spit trajectory away so it doesn't hit the bowl.

[00:00:30] I'm on the top of the toilet lid and simultaneously I whip up the lid with my foot. I'm trying to sort of curve the spit under the lid like I'm in that bullet bending film with Angelina Jolie. Anyway, TLDR, I just spat on my own penis. How are things with you? Are you Happy New Year? That's what I meant to say. Happy New Year.

[00:00:56] Voice Notes on My Phone. Episode 8. Resolutions.

[00:01:13] Hey babe, I'm just in the shops grabbing something special for tonight. You like ginger, don't you? I'm sure you do. Oh, anyway, Mum and Dad say it was so nice to see you at Christmas, by the way. I'm really glad that we are just doing our normal New Year's thing, just the two of us. It's like nothing ever happened. I love you. See you soon.

[00:01:39] All right, fellas. So, a bit of news. I had a little hiccup the other night after our revelations and basically went on a 48-hour bender, got a series of tattoos in both my armpits of a man holding up his own armpits.

[00:01:54] Anyway, so my New Year's resolution is to work on myself and I need everyone to hold me to account. So, anyway, yeah, I am cutting the booze. Starting tonight. I know! What a night to stop drinking. No, no, it's fine. We're just hanging out with a couple of Julie's Health Freak friends. So, super low-key. No alcohol. Just vegan mushroom soup and tap water. New Year, new lad. Me. Thanks, lads. 48-hour bender? You were living the dream for two days, mate.

[00:02:24] Lads, that's that's that's that's that's. Soup and tap water on New Year's. Me thinks the lady'd off be having a laugh. Great prank, T-Bone. Classic stuff. Oh, my God. Timo, are you okay? You should have told us. I'm so sorry. I feel responsible. Look, we are always here if you need to chat, okay? All right, Rich. Next, you'll be telling me I need therapy. Hippie!

[00:02:52] Seriously, though, cheers, everyone else, for your messages of support, lads. Means a lot. Okay, right. I am messaging you this because, well, I can't really stand the idea of starting a new year with my two brothers not talking to each other. Mainly because it will involve me having to talk to mum and dad more and you know I can't deal with dad's computer issues. Or mum's patronising comments about how I should really be keeping butter out of the fridge. I won't do it.

[00:03:22] And also, I miss this group chat. So, please, Mike, get over whatever pride it was that meant you lied to Rich. And Rich, let go of whatever anger is still stopping you from talking to Mike. I just want you both back for good. Don't make me sing Take That. You know I'm not bluffing. Right. I've tried one-liners. I've tried improv. I've tried surreal stuff. This is my last shot.

[00:03:50] My last bloody shot, Rich. Alex is going to attempt character comedy. Because with character comedy, it doesn't need to be funny. It just needs to be loud or sad. At least that's what it looks like from everything I've seen. So, say hello to everyone's favourite new comedy icon, Barry Stiles. Hello. Oh, sorry. One sec. Just go get the voice.

[00:04:21] Hello, I'm Barry. That's it. Hello, I'm Barry Stiles. I'm a doctor, but for animals. He's a vet. He's a vet. That's not the bit. Hang on. I'm Barry Stiles. The overly enthusiastic hairdressing animal vet. I also have a time machine. Because he needs the time machine, right, to go back and save his son from an apple bobbing accident.

[00:04:51] And it might be a bit overwritten. Sorry, sorry, mate. I'm feeling pretty low, to be honest. I'm heading to a new material New Year's night at my local. Probably be shit. We'll see. It's the last roll of the dice, my friend.

[00:05:21] Jane, I've just jumped on the 510. I should be at the station around 7.45-ish. Oh, I can't actually eat ginger ever since I vomited up gingerbread cookies in the middle of Beddark Mass when I was 16. So, yeah. Oh. You never told me that story. Well, anyway, no problem. We can just get takeaway. Can't wait to see you. Rich!

[00:05:49] Can't believe you're not coming to Trish's New Year's bash tonight. She tells me you've shacked back up with the she-wolf. Well, good for you. Hope you have better luck than me and Darren. Yeah, he's off again. Scared him away with all the existential dread, I think. Anyway, he's coming tonight, so who knows? Sorry, I won't get to see you, but I totally get it. When it comes to love, you've got to take the risk and go for it.

[00:06:15] And look, this is not my place at all, so feel free to tell me to absolutely do one because my life is a fucking catastrophe, as well you know. But, yeah, if you love someone, you've got to tell them. Maybe I should say that to Darren. Is that insane? It's insane, right? So insane. So insane, it might just work. Do I even want it? I don't know.

[00:06:44] Okay, arguably I'm rambling now, but, well, you're still listening to it, to be fair. Creep. Rich, so sorry to bother you on NYE. I'm sure you've got plans. And I'm on a beach in the Caribbean. The promotion worked out in the end. So thank you for your advice. But, well, this is an awkward one. Apparently Trish has been asking some of the other uni guys if I can let her back in the WhatsApp group.

[00:07:14] And I'm just not comfortable doing that. Not after what she said about little Freddie. And, well, I know you guys are close. So I was wondering if you would have a word with her. Let her know she can't come back into the group. Hi, Jasmine. And then, Trish and I aren't really talking much anymore. Oh, I am so glad to hear that. You know, I've never been a fan. Could never understand why you used to hang out with her, to be honest.

[00:07:43] But I definitely don't need to let her back in the WhatsApp group now. I mean, imagine calling your friend's baby an alien. Awful. Thanks for the penis update, Paul. Look, you've had a really shitty six months with the move and all that. And, look, I'm not in any place to judge. I'm currently on my way to spend New Year's Eve with my ex,

[00:08:08] but sort of also current girlfriend, I think, in a cabin in the middle of Dorset. And I just... I don't know. I remember when this night used to be about hanging out with friends, but I guess it's just... We're all getting older now, aren't we? Anyway, I miss you, man. Wow. I was not expecting that response to my message about spitting on my penis. Are you all right, bud?

[00:08:35] You don't sound jazzed about the best night of the year. The last night of the year. I'm baking, by the way. Also, I know I only tell you the bad stuff, right? But things are okay. There's a big party at my local, and the neighbours are bringing me along. We had a good chat after the stick insect thing, and I brought over some flowers. And when it turns out, it was kind of a blessing in disguise, because the kid had always wanted a praying mantis, and I haven't stepped on it.

[00:09:02] So, yeah, it turns out you can unfuck up things. I mean, I'm still the bloke who shat in the bush, but I'm not the pet murderer anymore. So, yeah. Anyway, look, have a great night with Jane. Thanks, Paul. It's actually really inspiring. You're welcome! Also, I've completely burnt these cakes, so maybe don't listen to me? Look, Jasmine, with the best will in the world,

[00:09:31] your kid does look like a fucking alien. I'm sure he'll grow out of it. I'm sure it's just a phase. But right now, the only thing that everyone else in that group won't tell you is that he absolutely wholeheartedly looks like the love child of E.T. in a melted candle. And the only one who would tell you that, who would be that honest with you, is Trish. Because that's who she is. Honest, direct, just so fucking brilliant. And she also didn't mean to call your baby an alien.

[00:10:01] She's just a bit shit with her phone. But also, she is right. And I know you'll be upset, and I probably won't get the Christmas round robin email next year, but at least my inbox will have one less photo of a baby alien. Happy New Year! Jane, I'm not coming. And I know you'll be angry with me for this, and I understand that, but I think deep down we both know that we're papering over cracks here. We can't just wave a magic wand

[00:10:30] to suddenly fix everything on one day. So, yeah, I'm not coming. Are you joking? Is this because of Ian? I told you that was nothing. Look, I've ordered you that disgusting wet egg soup you like. Just be at the station at 7pm, and I will come and pick you up in the car. Ramen, Jane. It's called ramen, and it's the best. To be honest, you getting with Ian at his engagement party, which, let's just be clear, was not nothing.

[00:11:00] The only nothing about it was that it had actually nothing to do with what happened between us. We've been long screwed for years, my friend, and I've been an arsehole. Totally. I was seeing someone else and pretending to myself that it was fine because of our dried husk of a relationship had run its course, and I was just being cowardly and not addressing it, but I wanted to make sure it was something worth risking everything for. So, yeah, I'm sorry.

[00:11:29] But I'm not compromising what I want with anyone else anymore. You have been an arsehole, but we are going to figure this out. You're going to eat your shit takeout and we are going to sort out everything. Just stay on the train. I got off 10 minutes ago. Goodbye, Jane. Hey, Bridge. I'm so sorry for completely screwing up Christmas

[00:11:57] and, well, a whole lot of other stuff. And you too, Mike. You're my brother. I will always love you. And if it's any consolation, I am kind of screwed myself. I've tried to be sort of heroic and follow my gut, but it has led to a catastrophic failure. It turns out I jumped off a train in the middle of nowhere and there are no more trains today. But it doesn't matter

[00:12:25] because for the first time in a long time, I know I'm doing the right thing. I just need to find a way to get to it. Rich, stay where you are. I'm with Mike. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Captain Beautiful is always on his way, my friend. Car emoji. Mike. Oh, that's amazing. But, oh my God, don't be an idiot. It's 9pm on New Year's Eve. What about Katie? What about the kids? I'm not a monster. Katie's driving.

[00:12:56] Huey's had... In the back. Yeah. We're coming to get you, Uncle Richard. He's had so much sugar. Also, don't thank us yet. This is going to be a hell of a crap journey. And if there's one thing that Captain Beautiful is not, it is reliable. But his heart is in the right place. And even though he screws up from time to time, deep down we know he'll always come through for us. And we love him for that. What a weird thing to say about my car.

[00:13:29] Mate! Barry Styles killed it tonight! I was right about character comedy. You just have to be panicked and loud. I didn't even need to act that! Oh. I think... I think... I found my voice, mate. So exciting! Or the audience was too drunk to care. Oh God. Maybe they were just... too... drunk? But they...

[00:14:00] Oh. Should I rewrite it? I should rewrite it. Listen, I've made a series of bad decisions recently. And the worst one was thinking I didn't need you in my life. So, I'm currently on my way to yours as part of a grand gesture. Because it's almost 10pm on New Year's Eve,

[00:14:29] and I can't start next year without you in my life. So, I'm coming to find you. In the worst form of transport imaginable. Guys, I am fuuuu... The fitness freaks were boring me. So, I found their fucking secret booze. In the garage! Ha ha! Shh! Shh!

[00:14:57] I can sniff it out like a true booze hound. Arf! Arf! Arf! Arf! Arf! Nope! Shh! Shh! I found a wee little can by the barbecue stuff. A lighter fluid? Don't mind if I do. Ooh! Looks like they have spirits out here, too. Or at least one. Hmm. White. Sounds pure. Come to me, my beauty. At the end, oh, chaps!

[00:15:25] Okay, I'm outside yours. Could you let me in? I've rung the bell, but you're not answering. Fine. Okay, I get it. Listen, if you're not picking up and you're not letting me in, I'll just do it on here. I just feel like I'm losing you. It feels harder and harder to stay in touch the more you live your life and the more I live mine, and I don't feel like me anymore.

[00:15:53] You are part of me, I think, in a way. I can't ask you to put your life on hold for me. I don't want to. I just miss what we had. So, I guess I'm saying I love you. And in the midst of bad decisions, hopefully this one is bucking the trend. Please forgive me, Trish. Oh, you big bellend. I've missed you.

[00:16:21] Well, now that you clearly no longer need a wingman, I'd like to formally reapply for the role of friend. Also, can you let me in? It's very cold. Sorry, mate. I really can't do that. Because I'm not there. Really honoured by this big romantic gesture, but the party's at Mears' place. I mean, it's insane that you didn't check the address first. I'll text it you. And thanks. We're on our way.

[00:16:51] We? Oh, yeah. Is it okay if I bring my entire family, including four sleeping children, in a minivan with me? Waffles, you're a fucking liability. Also, in case you didn't know, I think the curling's on Channel 5. What? Then why the fuck is Jules Holland hooting that in on my fucking television? Thank God you're in my life, mate. Love you, mate.

[00:17:17] Voice Notes on my phone was written and performed by Richard Soames, featuring Jodie Irvine, Sally Hodgkiss, Lydia King, Bryony Redman, Matt Highton, Emily Lloyd-Saini, Will Hartley, Steve McNeil, John Henry Falle, Paul Foxcroft, Alex Lynch, and Omar Ibrahim.

[00:17:44] Music was composed by Ben Lloyd-Ebbins, and the producer was Alex Lynch. This has been a Hot Seat production. Thanks for listening. Hi, Richard. Just wanted to say that I got your message and say thank you for sending it. Yeah. I appreciate that. And Happy New Year. Okay. Okay, bye.

[00:18:20] This podcast is part of Podomity, the UK's podcast comedy network. Why not laugh at what else we've got? Visit Podomity.com.