LTO Brief #16 - Kids' Parties and End of Primary

[00:00:00] I'm Esther and I'm Susie and this is Limited Time Only. Brief, a pick-me-up in shorter podcast form. I'm in recovery this week, Esther. Yeah. Um, haven't run a marathon, haven't even done any mild physical exercise at all, but I did host a birthday party for my eight-year-old son. Oh yeah, last day every time, yeah.

[00:00:29] So I'm now, um, completely exhausted and coming down with a severe illness as a result. Yeah, that will do it. Birthday party every time. The amount of work that goes into a birthday party is staggering. I remember Ella's eighth birthday party actually, they'd all been really easy up until that one, which was in a, um, like a parish rooms.

[00:00:54] And I thought, it'll be fine. I can entertain these kids for the hours. They'll just run around. They'll dance. No, they were constantly like, what's next? What's next? What's next? I just had to improvise. I just had to improvise. I, it was, it, thank God I'd run drama groups because I just, they just didn't know how to actually move themselves and I was just running around. Yes, in a room.

[00:01:13] Well, I did have entertainment. I actually got a mobile zoo. So we had a chap come in who was probably the, the least energetic man I've ever met. Um, who came with two snakes, a tarantula, a gecko, a cockroach, uh, African snails and a scorpion.

[00:01:40] Quite, quite good. They didn't get to hold them because they're not actually, the handling rules have been changed by the government. They can't, they can't, but they could, they could touch most of them except the scorpion and the spider. Right. Yes, fair do's. Um, but it was really, he was very interesting and I learned some very interesting facts. So that lasted an hour, but then there was the hour before and the hour after and the five hours prior to that, where I was making food, sorting the garden out.

[00:02:08] So the brambles didn't hack their legs to pieces, um, party bags, the constant look, it's in, it's in two and a half hours, Henry. Henry. It's in, it's in two hours, Henry. It's in one hour and 59 minutes, Henry. Yeah. Um, and then when they're there and you just, yeah, I, I, I did pass the parcel as well. I thought this might be the last time he ever plays pass the parcel. Yeah.

[00:02:37] Um, so we're going to do it, but it's, it's, his friends were a little bit silly. And, and I was looking at, at Joel and sort of, we were kind of rolling our eyes at times when, especially when the man was talking and there was some, some, uh, back chat from, you know. Oh, really? Um, and I was like, oh my God. And Joel was like, it's yeah. Yeah. It's just, it's boys. It's boys. I was like, I don't remember Beatrice's friends being like this.

[00:03:05] Although I do now looking back, I think children are hard to entertain at times and they do like to give it a bit of that. Yeah. Give it a bit of the, give it a bit of the smart ass. That's, and that's always difficult to deal with, isn't it? When kids are being, if they're being smart, well then when they're not your own children as well. You can't just go shut up, which is what I wanted to say. Shut up or you can leave. I mean, I have, yeah, other people's kids.

[00:03:34] I don't know if anyone else is like this. I would be the worst. Actually, maybe I'll be a great teacher because there wouldn't be any of my kids in the room. Yes. But other people's children. No, not the one, not the one. I don't have, I don't know. Unless I know them really well. And then would you reprimand them if they needed it?

[00:03:59] Um, oh, occasionally, not severely, but I'll, I'll sort of do the disappointed. Oh, come on, Bobby. Yeah. Um, or sort of the look. I mean, I was giving a bit of the look. Yes. It's quite scary actually. But I am. Did you say? My look at them. But my daughter always says that her friends think I'm really fun. Yeah. And I'm thinking, yeah, they don't live with me. Well, Susan, you've got a sprout, um, leaf attached to your headphones. So that, I think that.

[00:04:29] I'm just, I'm fun. Yeah. Although my, so, okay. So that was my son. Son had a birthday party on the couple of days before my daughter had her year six leavers disco. And so I took her around to a friend's house where they were all getting ready. There was about 20 girls. There's this, um, mum and dad's house. It'd be brilliant. Well done. Take them, take them away.

[00:04:53] Um, and, uh, I went in and I was like, oh, um, I said to this group of girls who were all getting me. Could anyone tell me where the girls from, um, name of school are? Um, I, I, apparently they were here getting ready. Oh, oh no. Hang on a second. Oh, you, it's you. It's you. I didn't recognize you. And Bea was like, because they, because I'm such a good actor. Yeah. They genuinely thought I didn't recognize them. So they were just looking at me like, it's us. Someone said it's us.

[00:05:24] And then Bea just went, my life is over. Oh no. I was like, oh, have I embarrassed you? Did she find you cringe? Oh, she finds me unbelievably cringe. I mean, that was quite peak cringe. Even for me. Um, I was quite proud of myself. It's quite a dad joke, isn't it? It was the, it was the complete bafflement on their faces. Yeah. And I was like, is it because I'm so convincing that it really looked like I didn't know who they were? Yeah.

[00:05:52] I had to be of crapper access to pull that off. You're just too good, Sue. I'm just too good. But I did, I did feel a bit for my daughter who was like, oh my God, my life is over. Did she enjoy it? Did she enjoy her, her linguistic? She loved it. She loved it. She said it was the best time and she came back and her feet were as black as this microphone. Oh wow. It looked like she'd been walking through coal. Yes. And I, she just took her sandals off. I was like, get, get on your knees.

[00:06:19] You are, you are crawling up those stairs straight into the bath, young lady. I don't know what, I think she'd been, she'd been running around on the grass outside and running around the building they had it in. But yeah, she had a really good time. She'd been very emotional. End of primary? She's, yeah, she's fully, yeah, the mood, the moods are interesting. And I've realised it's because, yeah, her whole life is about to change. Yes.

[00:06:48] She's going to high school and it's daunting. And you know what, pretty much all of my friends have a child that's just finished year six. Pretty, I would say, like 95% of my friends, it's so weird that you all have kids at the same age. And, and it's really emotional. And they, and I, and schools are evil. They go out of their way to break the parents, sending emails about putting their little tiny hand in yours.

[00:07:18] You know, singing time to say goodbye. Oh God. That's my dad's funeral song. Oh yeah. Yeah. Awful. Lots of, there's loads of pop songs that are really kind of tug on your heartstrings, aren't they? Yeah. And, and, and also the school play that Bea did last week or the week before the final song. I mean, it wasn't even the words necessarily. The key changes in that song were designed to, to induce tears. Yeah.

[00:07:47] It was, I was crying. We were all crying, but it was so freaking hot in the hall. Yeah. That we were just, no one could tell we were crying because we were just sweat. I mean, my entire body was what I say. I was going, my whole body's one tear right now. Yeah. I'm just a tear. Salty, I should have licked myself like a Himalayan candle holder. Yes. If you were feeling a little shaky, just lick yourself because then you would be rehydrated.

[00:08:15] From all the salt that is emitting from your pores and from your eyes. From my eyes. So, but yeah, daughter finishes this week. So that's going to be emotional. And yeah, this morning I said, I said, this is the last three times we'll be walking to school together. We're such a different generation, aren't we? Because years ago it was just like you finished school. That was it. Now we pour so much in like, this is the last time.

[00:08:45] I mean, I do it with my kids. It's my daughter's birthday is November and as soon as the clock strikes 12 on New Year's Day, I go, next day you're going to be this age. And it's ages are up so much until you'll go, stop it, stop it. Yes. It's funny to think. It's sort of, we sort of like almost pour too much on it. Don't mean three, three more walks, two more walks. Yes, I know. I know. I just wanted her not to be in a mood. Can I just say? Oh yeah. Oh no, no. I totally get it.

[00:09:11] I don't know if it's coming from your end or mine, but I can hear someone playing the recorder. It's not my end. I can hear it as well. You can hear it? Yeah, it's your end. I mean, I don't know if this is, it's been set up because we're talking about school. Yeah. Maybe it's in our heads. Maybe, yes. Maybe it's a sort of a core memory of someone playing a recorder badly in assembly. Yeah. It's just there. I used to pretend to play the recorder. I didn't know what I was doing. I used to do that with the trombone. Did you? Yeah.

[00:09:41] Just extend it. I mean, which is worse really, because I'm sure there were more than one person playing the recorder when you were pretending. No, there were three of us up the corner. Only three. I used to look out the corner of my eye and just see what the person next to me was doing. I can still play London's Burning and Jesus' Hands with Kind Hands on three notes, but I never knew any more than that. No. And I, yeah, I would love to play an instrument, but I never learned how to read music. I am actually quite musical. Yes, you are. It's good timing and good rhythm.

[00:10:11] And I know a song within the first couple of beats. Yeah. I'm very good at that. But yeah, I used to mind to the recorder. Well, yeah, the trombone is, I mean, there was one man, there was a grown, actually, quite elderly man playing the trombone, not the recorder, the trombone in a jazz band in our school. It was an all-girls school. It was an all-girls school. And he would come in, James Wedge, he was brilliant. He was, you know, brilliant jazz musician. He'd come in and do this jazz band with us.

[00:10:39] And then there was one other trombone, which was me, which she couldn't hear because I was basically just miming. How awful is that? To be on stage in a school concert, just miming. Yeah. I think it's the number of kids that mime when they're singing, the number of adults that mime when they're singing now. Yes, yes. I do actually do that sometimes at choir. Only occasionally, and I will tell you for why, it's if my voice is going towards the

[00:11:04] end of a concert, usually Christmas concerts, and we're blasting out carols, which are too high and too loud. And we've still got like a quiet a cappella number still to sing. I'm like, I'm not going to sing the Descant out loud. I'm just going to mime. Because the whole congregation is singing as well. You don't need me. I'm not sort of doing it during, you know. A solo. Sir Matthew Passion. A solo. Is she? She has a very quiet voice.

[00:11:35] Can you hear her? Or is it just, am I just, am I here? I can hear a trombone. Yeah. I find that funerals or wedding services are, everyone goes too high. And I'm an alto. And so I struggle then to try and pitch myself. So I just often end up miming at those places. Because, and also it's just always a bit orcs, isn't it? At a funeral. Or a wedding. And you've got some, there's always somebody that sings really loudly. I've got my... Usually me. Well, yes.

[00:12:04] You've got a lovely, what are you, soprano, did you say? Yeah. Yeah, soprano. I've got a friend, Helen, who is hilarious. And we used to go to the end of term things. Carol's on the playground. And I would be crying with laughter standing next to her. She would be going, what? And she'd really lean into it. And I would just be, my shoulders were shaking and she'd really go for it. It's very funny. And then, yeah, really.

[00:12:32] And then she'd always do like sign language, children's sign language at the end for like, well done and thank you. And so we'd all start doing it. All this little gang of mums all doing this thumbs up thing. You naughty mums at the back. Back of the class. Yeah. But do you know what's really sad is James has never had a leavers at any point. Oh, because of COVID. So at preschool, we went to Mallorca and I took him out a couple of days before we finished because Ella was in reception. Irresponsible.

[00:13:02] So, I know, it was really irresponsible. So we didn't have a leavers there and I felt really bad about it, but I thought I can take Ella because she's only in reception. Then primary, he didn't go back to school. He missed everything at the end of primary. They finished in March. Oh, because of COVID. Because of COVID. So he didn't do, he was supposed to go on PGL. He had nothing, didn't have anything, didn't leave and just started high school.

[00:13:30] And then at high school, they were supposed to have a leavers assembly, but somebody set the fire alarm off, so it was cancelled. So he's never ever. Oh no, that's terrible. Left anywhere. Yeah, he's never left anywhere. He's still at preschool. How old is he? 17? Still at preschool. Still at preschool. It's quite nice, actually. I feel sad for him though because Ella has had these big friend-offs for everything. I mean, I remember her doing preschool and, oh God, I was a blubbering mess as they're

[00:13:57] all saying there, it's time to say goodbye to all my friends. Oh my God, just a mess. Mummy loves me, mummy. And I'm like, oh my God, take my little hand in yours. I was like, oh my God. And then we had it at primary, all of the events. And then at high school, we had everything. And there was a big assembly and awards. And then when she finished college, everything. But James never had anything. And I feel really sorry for her.

[00:14:27] Maybe I'll do my own little thing at home. Maybe I'll put some really emotional tunes on. Yeah. I can come and play the recorder badly for you. Yeah. You do the trombone and I'll do the recorder on both of them. Yeah, we'll just mime. Yeah. And that'll be great. Yeah, let's do it. It's sad because I think he didn't really have a school trip either because of, so he had a couple in primary, but then at high school, years seven and eight were still

[00:14:56] COVID years, then they didn't do any school trips for a couple of years. And then in year 11, he went to Paris and it was awful. Oh no, why? Because they put them, they put them so that it was a 45 minute drive into Paris every day in the coach. They were in this place where they had to share a room with three people. One day he took more than one croissant and one of the people smacked his hands and waved their finger and said, no. I mean, like their food was awful.

[00:15:24] And then they went into town, into Paris in the coach and a taxi drove into them. It was just all, just, just, it was just a really bad trip. So I feel really sorry for him. I feel like he missed out. Well, tell you what, why don't we do, we'll do a leave assembly. Before that, we'll take him to like the local nature centre. Yeah. Because that's the sort of, and maybe the library. Yeah. That's the sort of trips my kids do. Yeah. That sounds good.

[00:15:53] He did get to do the Southern Valley Railway 1940s evacuee trip. Oh, that sounds really fun. Yeah. And they have to go fully in authentic attire or looking authentic with like a brown paper bag or a box type thing. A label. And they weren't allowed to eat anything that they wouldn't have had at that time. So if they were going with crisps, they had to have ones that you'd shake salt into. So they had, it was literally a list of, this is all they can eat. If you're making them a sandwich, it can only have like jam or spam.

[00:16:23] Spam. Or that kind of thing. Yeah. Wow. That sounds like a trip I would like. Yeah, me too. Yeah. I'll come on that. Yeah. The Southern Valley Railway, fun fact, the initials are SVR, which are my initials. So we used to have a mug. And I was like, that's my mug. Oh, yes. SVR, you're a train. I'm a train. Choo choo. I've got that connection. One of my friends is Her Majesty's Prism. It's her initials. I'd rather be a train.

[00:16:53] Yeah, I'd rather be a train than a prison. What are you? I'm Ems. Ems. But Ellery's Eggs. Eggs. Yeah. Well, it was like that character I told you about the other day. It was real. F. Offman. Oh, yeah. And I just imagine little Geordie. What's your name? F. Offman. F. Offman. What? The first name begins with an F, everybody.

[00:17:23] And then Offman. Offman. Imagine not thinking through that it's going to be F. Offman. Or the parents just thought, you know what? We're just going to make life difficult for you and see how you handle this. Building resilience in you. Take this. I mean, it is. It's got some oomph to it, hasn't it? It has. You're not going to mess. You're not going to mess with them. So maybe it's a good thing. Yeah. Ian doesn't have a middle name. He just is. Is. He is is. He is is.

[00:17:52] What are you? Is. Is. I like that. Yeah. That's just is. Pure and simple going to be there. Just is. Just is. Just is. I think he should have a badge. Yeah. I just is. I just is. Yeah. F. Offman. I just is. Right. Well, I need to go and lie down because I'm still recovering from this kid's party. Yeah. And I just.

[00:18:22] Go and be great. Yeah. The primary school for my son. Yeah. I'm also going to check if there's no tarantulas or scorpions in my house. Yeah. Good idea. Yeah. Good idea. Hopefully see you next week. Hopefully see you next week. Good luck. Thank you. Or will this be me and we shall think of fun things to chat about. A tiny hand in mine. Goodbye. Goodbye forever. You're never coming back to primary school. You're going to die. This is the first goodbye of many.

[00:18:52] Soon they will have left you. And you will die. And they won't want to know you because you're too embarrassing and old. Goodbye. Right. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. You have been listening to Limited Time Only. Brief. Small but perfectly formed. Just like me.

[00:19:18] This podcast is part of Podomity, the UK's podcast comedy network. Why not laugh at what else we've got? Visit Podomity.com.