LTO Brief #17 - Confessions

[00:00:00] I'm Esther Stanford and I'm Susie Riddell and this is Limited Time Only. Brief, a pick-me-up in shorter podcast form. I was talking to my hairdresser the other day and I revealed a load of stuff about myself. I think I was a bit hyper and I sort of started reeling off all these weird things that I did. I told her one thing and then she really started laughing. So then I just started telling her other things and then I thought,

[00:00:28] oh, is this stuff other people do? If it is, we can talk about it on the episode and people might take comfort in that. And if it's not, you know, I'm just revealing stuff and that's quite interesting as well, isn't it really? Yeah, always good to reveal things about yourself that you might wish to keep private. Dirty little secrets. Yeah, yeah. So one of the first things that I did, one of the first things I told her was that this is probably going to be frowned upon by lots of people. Oh my gosh, what are you going to say? If I'm on my own. Oh no.

[00:00:58] If I'm weird and I want a carrot for lunch. Right. I mean, already that's weird. As part of my lunch, not just a full meal. I will peel it, but I will bite the ends off and flop them at the dog. You will bite the ends off and flop them at the dog? Like the carrot. You'll go, and then spit it at the dog. Spit it onto the floor because she loves a carrot end. There's no, there's no flop on it actually.

[00:01:27] So I go, cause I can't be asked to get a chopping board out. So I will peel the carrot and I just go, bite, spit, bite, spit. And dog's really happy. And I say to a washing up thing. Is that weird? When did you start doing it? Oh, a while ago. And it's just, you did it once and you thought, bloody hell. Every time I have a carrot, this is what I'm going to do. This has fulfilled something within me that I didn't know I was lacking. Life hack 101. Life hack.

[00:01:55] I mean, if you haven't got a dog, don't try it because your floor will just be covered with ends of carrot. Well, you know what? If you go on holiday and we don't take Nancy with us, we're really disappointed because we're not a tidy up family. We like, if something food falls on the floor, it's going, Nancy, and she comes and mops it up. So I, I, yeah, I do that. And I realized that it might be frowned upon or thought of, but I think it's just a time saving thing. And I was telling my friend Mel about it and she said she will often sometimes chop things in midair. So she doesn't have to use a chopping board.

[00:02:24] Like she'll sort of. Well, that's just actually dangerous. That is dangerous. What the hell? I'm sorry. That health and safety Susie. That, the hell Mel. Mel. Is this Mel I know? No, no, no, no, no. Well, good. Cause I'd have rung her up. That is incredibly dangerous. Well, maybe she likes the danger. You know, she's. We'd have to have a very sharp knife to be able to chop something in midair. She has samurai.

[00:02:52] And then just, you know, chops it into her hand a bit. No, no. If you're listening to this, do not follow Mel in any way. Mel, I'm worried. I'm concerned for your arteries. She's lovely. I mean, she's a lovely woman. I'm sure she's lovely. No, she's lovely. She just hasn't got a clue about chopping. Well, I think she's just, you know, injecting a bit of adrenaline, saving on the washing up. Yes. I'm interested in your choice of having a whole carrot for lunch. These are the things I'm interested in are sort of what is your lunch?

[00:03:22] Are you dipping it in hummus? I mean, are you literally just having a carrot? If Ian isn't here, I will. Like, he's really, he's really particular. Like, he'll make a proper lunch. Yeah. Yeah. So I will get a few slices of cheese out the fridge, maybe chop an apple, have a carrot. Yeah. No, I'm with you on that. I mean, if I can have a, if I can have a boiled egg or something or a piece of toast with banana on the top. Yeah. I mean, that's quite a loss of effort, isn't it?

[00:03:52] I mean, just going to the fridge, slicing up three slices of cheese, chopping up an apple and then peeling a carrot and just, and then the dog has the center of the apple as well. So she's happy. Everyone's a winner. I've had no washing up or anything that has can just go straight in the dishwasher. And it feels a bit like swearing when I spit the, when I spit it across the floor. It gives me that kind of frisson that you get when you say the F word or something. Cause I like swearing. I enjoy it.

[00:04:19] I know it's a sign, supposedly a sign of low vocabulary, although I did hear a reason that it's a sign of high vocabulary and in Thai intelligence. And I fucking believe that. Well, if you use it correctly, this is the thing. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I'm, I'm, I'm totally with you on the less washing up is, is, is good. Less domestic stores. I'd like, I'd like someone to work for me ideally. Ideally I'd like staff. Yeah. I'd like staff.

[00:04:45] I'd like a, I'd like a chef and I'd like someone to take care of my washing. And unless I've been to a friend's house and then I'm always motivated to come back and tidy and clean. But for the rest of the time I would like someone to take care of my washing. Yeah. I don't want to do any of that stuff. No. But unfortunately. Fuck's his life. Unless I can marry into the Royal Family or something, which at this stage in life is probably unlikely. And your options are a bit limited, aren't you? A bit limited.

[00:05:15] There's only one of them that's a marriage and he's going to prison soon, probably. So you don't want that one. No. No. Well. Um, that would be a dirty little secret. It would. It would. But my other little weird thing. Okay. I said now, but I think we probably all, most people probably do this, don't they? Is that. I don't know. Um, sometimes, um, it's, it's on the same ill. You're really mad.

[00:05:44] It's absolutely, oh, I need, I need to fell over. In anticipation. Sorry. I never know what you're going to say, Esther. So. Well, these, these two are along the same lines. Okay. I find cooking boring unless I'm cooking something nice. But if I'm left alone to my own device, I like to put it in pots and I like to talk it out loud. Like I'm Nigella Lawson making a television show.

[00:06:08] So I will say now I'm going to add in a little bit of cumin and then I'm going to, and it just make, I enjoy that. And then it gets me. Oh, that's nice. And then the other thing I do is sometimes I get out the shower and I'm wrapped in a towel and I can't be bothered to dry myself off. So I get my handbag and I pretend I'm doing Vogue in the back to an imaginary, no one's there.

[00:06:36] And I'm going, well, I've always got my, my little roll on scented, uh, cause it makes me feel nice. And then I've got my, what naked, what's in your bag? It's a whole series. Of course, in my imagination, I'm not naked. I'm dressed in something fantastic. And I'll be like, oh yes, here's my purse that my friend Sally bought me years ago. And like, and I do that because it's, it's the correct amount of time for you to dry without rubbing.

[00:07:05] It's more exciting than drying. Well, it's actually I'm 48 and I'm playing to get through chores. No, I think it, well, this is what you have to do to get through life. I think that's very sweet. Oh, do you? But do you have, do you have the same thing in your bag each time? No, it can be mixed up. Obviously there are essentials that are always, which I do talk about the fact that they're essentials when I go through. I mean, you should probably film this for Instagram.

[00:07:34] Could just start a whole trend. Well, we could, yeah. Limited time only in the bag. What? Locked in the bag. And you have to be just wrapped in a towel. Oh no, I'm not doing that. No, I wouldn't do that. No, not, not until I've done many, many gym sessions. Jennifer. No, no, come on. I am, I don't do that, but I will hum tunes to the hoover. Oh.

[00:08:04] Or if something makes a tune, a note. Yes. I will start harmonizing along to the, that's entertaining when I'm hoovering. Yes. Because it's like, and I'm like, or whatever. Yeah. Just making up some crap. That gets me through hoovering. That sounds, well, I think that's brilliant because I like singing. I've never harmonized with the hoover, but I will, I will actually start doing that. I like making songs up. Yes.

[00:08:34] Use the hoover as a baseline. Okay. As a, as the starting note, and then you can muck around. Hairdryers can also work with that. Singing while hairdrying is good because it drowns out the sound of your own voice. Ah, yes. Which is always beneficial. Well, I don't use a hairdryer. I never dry my hair. So what, but what I might do is put the hairdryer on and just whilst I'm getting dressed, sing along to it. You could do that. You could do that. Uh, teeth brushing. Yeah. I don't, I don't know really. Yes.

[00:09:04] I've not really thought about that. I mean, I find all those things inherently dull. Yeah. Um, I'll often be listening to a podcast while brushing my teeth and flossing and stuff. So I'll be, I'll be brushing my teeth, electric toothbrush, obviously incredibly loud. So I have to hold the phone right up to my ear to be able to hear what's good. But it does pass the time. Um, I, then, then I get to the end of worry that I've not actually cleaned my teeth properly because I've just been concentrating on the episode. We're always multitasking, aren't we? We're always, I do it.

[00:09:33] I go for a wee and I'm looking on Instagram or I'm brushing my teeth and then I'm trying to turn it up and it's like bloody hell. Like, I know. I know, I know. Two minutes. You can't even do two minutes. No, it's ridiculous. That is worrying, isn't it really? It's really worrying. And actually, when we did our social media, um, week off years ago when we went. Oh yes, yeah. And that was life changing for me. I obviously didn't stick to it, but I found that week really.

[00:09:58] And, and I've just been in Cornwall for a week with my family and I really try very hard not to look at my phone the whole time away. And it really changes. I need to come off socials. I know. I think at this point, I think I've kind of hit a bit of a burned out period and I think that would be key. I'm just trying to think of this, that things I do that people might, I don't know, some people might do as well.

[00:10:25] It's not related to anything we've said before, but if I, if I'm at someone else's house or, or in a public toilet and the, and the toilet roll is lined up so that the, the, the piece you're taking is coming from the back of the roll, I will take it off the roller, turn it around and put it on the correct way. That is correct. Yes.

[00:10:52] Anyway, public toilets, restaurants, friends' houses. I'm like, what the heck is this? Where's your brain at? Complete travesty. Yeah. And it's got, put it on correctly. It doesn't make sense to put it on. It doesn't make sense. What are these people on? No, I totally agree. Would you change it though? Would you change it? I, I think I have, but, um, I can't think of the last time I was somewhere like your, you are, you have the right. I'm always going to the toilet.

[00:11:20] So, um, you've got right toilet roll etiquette in your house, Susie. So I've never done it in your house. No. And I think most of my friends, yeah, I think they're all. They've got correct, the correct idea. They were brought up properly. Yeah. Um, I, um, I will always change a cushion if the zip isn't at the bottom. Oh yes. Yes. So zips have to be at the bottom and I don't understand. Bottom and the back. Yeah. Yeah. And when I'm, I always make the bed in the morning, my husband will pull the duvet back

[00:11:50] and chuck the cushions on and stuff. And I'm like, no, no, no. And we have a green blanket at the bottom that's for the dog to lie on. But I always want the tag to be on the bottom corner and not at the top. The tag should be sort of hanging off the bed at the bottom corner. Yes. If I'm, if I'm making a duvet, stuffing a duvet, um, the tag, the tag on the duvet has to be at the bottom. Yes. Absolutely. Because it's quite, um, if you're in bed and then you've got the feeling of a tag right by your face, that's quite annoying, isn't it?

[00:12:20] It just doesn't make sense to me that that, that, that wouldn't be. In fact, when I make the beds with my kids and Ian and I make the bed together, if the tag is there, I'll say, no, no, we have to stop and start again. This is wrong. Stop and stop. Stop. This is wrong. We can't operate like this. Who are we? The tag has to be at the bottom. Otherwise it will bother me. We'd have very ordered and, um, well, pleasing hotels and bed and breakfast.

[00:12:49] I feel everything would be spit spot. Well, it would, but staff would have to, cause I'd be bored. I'd be playing Vogue in the bag by myself. Oh, you, yes. Oh God. No, I wouldn't be making, I'd make one bed and then I'd be like, why have I got this B&B business? I've completely ruined my life. I sold up, moved to Cornwall for a B&B business and I don't want to do any of the, this is just chores. I'm, I'm four weeks in. I loved it for the first four weeks. Now I'm bored. I want a different career. Absolutely.

[00:13:19] I do. I've often thought I'd quite like a B&B. Yeah, me too. And then I realized I'd have to cook breakfast. Yeah. I'd also have to talk to people. Yeah. Which is fine on some days. Yeah. And other days. No. Oh, I just thought of a dirty little secret. Oh God. Um, well, I will often, ah, you know, when you see somebody, you pretend to be a train. It happens more often to me probably than you because you don't know many people. Because, because I have to get the train a lot. Oh yeah.

[00:13:49] Wherever I go, wherever I'm going in London, I'm getting the train. So I will see people on platforms and, and stuff. And, um, ooh, I'll just, I'll walk the other way. I'll sort of hide. Yeah. I'll be on the phone and hope to God they haven't. But do you know what? I often think they've probably seen me as well. Oh. And thought, I hope that bloody Susie just turns around.

[00:14:16] Well, I've, I've got, um, there's a friend of my, well, he's my friend as well. And he lives quite close to us. And we often see each other and we have a really good chat. But the last few times I've seen him, he absolutely hasn't seen me or stuff. Because, and I totally get, I'm never offended by that. Because he just doesn't want to chat. He's a lovely person. We're good friends. Um, but I also know that some days you just haven't got the bandwidth. That's it.

[00:14:45] Someone coming towards me that I'm, it's, I'm never doing. What do you do when someone's coming towards you? That's it. Do you hold the dog over your face? Don't look at me. I, if, if it's somebody that I either don't know, but it's just walking their dog and I know they want a conversation, they're going to start talking to me. I want to walk with me even though we don't know each other. Oh yes. Or somebody that I find a bit annoying. I will pretend to be on the phone. You could be pretending to pick up poo as well for quite a long time, couldn't you?

[00:15:14] You can, but people will wait with you and stuff like that. The thing is, nine times out of 10, I am actually on the phone, but there is the odd occasion where I think, oh God, I haven't got the stamina. Um, not with friends. I would never do that to a friend or someone. No, no, no. It's just acquaintances where it's going to be small talk, isn't it? And we've got this neighbor. Oh God, he lives at the bottom of our garden. He will not listen to this. I know he won't. And he is, oh God, he's so difficult to get away from.

[00:15:44] And, um, he starts doing our neighbor opposite's garden. And if he's there, my entire family are like, leg it! And we get out in the car and out the door. Because he will just... You literally drive away! Because he, he, he, he, he will grab you. And he doesn't, he's, I mean, I think he's the one I think I told you about before who said, um, if you, if you see me looking up at your window with binoculars, I'm not looking with binoculars. I'm looking at the tits.

[00:16:13] There's a family of tits. I'm looking at the tits. He's not that. And the other day he was outside and he was doing our neighbor Brenda's garden. And I went out and I was like, oh shit. And I knew he was trying to get me into a conversation. And he was like, well, and there was somebody who was having building work. Not very good, is it? Not very good at all that. Just jumping down at the bottom of the road now. And the smoke will be able to say, I haven't, I haven't noticed.

[00:16:40] And I'm always polite, but you're like, I'm an ancient, he's our age. He's, I'm making him sound, but that's. I thought, yes, I imagined him as a, no, he's not an old man. Um, but I used to get stuck. We had to make our fence hire because he, you'd go into the garden. This guy is like terrorized your life. Well, we moved in and, and we would, I'd go and lie in the garden and read a book when the kids were at school. And he'd pop over the fence and just start talking to me.

[00:17:08] So I'd have to get up and go and start talking to him. And he would have me there for an hour. Wouldn't ask a single question. Oh no. Oh no. So we, we made the fence hire and we were just like, cause it was a short fence. We're like, no, no, no, we can't. No. Cause this is our home. This is our space. This is a space for us to go in. So if we do see him, we do all once a week, he comes into his Brenda's garden and, and we, I will pretend to be on the phone when I go out to the car or I'm in a rush. What is that about?

[00:17:38] There were certain people and I know a few, but you, you, they don't know when to stop. They don't take a social cue. It is actually, it's about, it's partly loneliness maybe, but equally maybe not. Maybe it's, it's social cues. Yeah, I think it is. I think it's. But we're probably super sensitive to social cues. Whereas I probably think people don't want to talk to me when actually they're fine.

[00:18:08] Yeah. Cause I'm just so sensitive. You, um, so I'm, if some, if I can tell somebody doesn't want to talk to me and I've, I don't take it personally. I just think they're probably having a, they're just, they just don't want to engage and that's fine. Um, cause I've been there as well. It doesn't mean I don't like them. It just means I know that they're like, Oh, I can't be able to talk today. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe there's that bitch again. Sometimes it's, Oh, right. On this train journey, I've got to do this.

[00:18:37] I've got to send this email and I've got to send a message. I will need to look that up and I was going to, and I need to read this, whatever it is. And then I don't get to do that. And I'm like, never, I just sort of go, it doesn't matter. Yeah. And actually every time I go to the hairdressers, I take my work to do work. And I would say, I think there's probably only been one occasion in the last 18 months where I haven't run into somebody I haven't seen for years. Like there was one girl I saw who was my best friend when I was two and I hadn't seen her

[00:19:06] for 30 years. And so, and so I just think, well, just lean into it. It's joyful. Yes, absolutely. It's, it's not gonna, doesn't happen every time. No, you're right. Um, yeah. Yeah. That, well, that's quite a lot of secrets. I mean, sort of secrets. It's, it's kind of confessions. Yeah. Um. Candid confessions. Some of which were weird. Yeah. Chopping something in midair.

[00:19:30] Some of which were social, um, things which I think people will relate to. I mean, I'm trying to think of anything else that I do that's a bit odd. Probably lots of things. Um. If you think of something, you could always bring it to next week's share. I could bring it to the, to the table. Yeah. And, um. And lay it out. Yeah. And, uh. Be embarrassed. But, yeah. I mean, I think I'm, I'm just completely normal. I think, yeah. I don't. I don't do anything odd.

[00:19:59] I think you are the most normal of normals. A complete bore. A what? A bore? A complete bore. She's got nothing interesting about it. Totally dull. No quirks. She doesn't harmonize with a hoover. Oh, yeah. Do that, don't I? Yeah. Yeah. We've all got weird little quirks. And we, but I, I, um, I'd be interested to know how many of the people pretend they're Nigella or pretend they're doing a Vogue in the bag. I like that. I might start doing it. I mean, I wouldn't. Yeah. Especially on an island.

[00:20:29] You just, that's. Yeah. You do want to do that. My daughter definitely does that. Yeah. Pretty much everything. I'm sure I should have outgrown it by now. But then I also think, why? Why? Let's just keep playing. Life's for joy and fun. It's fun. This is the preparation for the podcast. This is why we're doing a podcast. Because we all pretended we were, you know, Rusty Lee presenting a cookery program. I, I was talking to somebody earlier and she was telling me that she used to pretend to be a radio DJ. Yeah. When she was a child. I did. So did I.

[00:20:59] And I also had a radio station with, um, my friends and, uh, we, we, the jingle was Radio 13. Unlucky for some, but not for us. Oh, that's really nice. That could work. Yeah. Did you used to, did you record, ever record? Did you press the record? We did record, but we never did. On the ghetto blaster. On the tape and. Yeah. I would love to find those somewhere. That'd be so cute, wouldn't it? It would be really cute. Yeah. Now look at us.

[00:21:29] I know. Playing and putting out into the world so actual real people can hear us. This is just play. It is just play. But for grownups. And actually when we were in Cornwall, I met up with the fabulous Kelly Brown, who runs Edie's restaurant. And we had a coffee, which was delightful. And she was a guest in series one on the pod. And she runs Dawn French's favorite restaurant. And then we were talking and she was talking about the pod. And then she said, oh, go down to the beach.

[00:21:59] There's a woman down on the beach. Go to her cafe. I think her name is Heidi. She listens to the podcast. And I went, what? And she said, and so does my friend so-and-so. And so does my friend this. And I was like, what are you talking about? Really? Really? People listen to your, people listen to the podcast. I said, no, they don't. We're ridiculous. It's just Susie and I titting about for an hour. And she was like, yeah, she likes your podcast. She listens to your podcast. And I, I don't know. I found it a bit mind-blowing. Did you go down? Did you speak to Heidi? Heidi.

[00:22:28] I, I wasn't entirely sure which one she was at. I did think about it. And then I thought she might not know who I am. And maybe I don't know. It's a bit really embarrassing. I've been shy. Oh, I listened to one episode, but didn't like it very much. Yeah, I showed you shit. Well, thank you for you guys for listening to it. Yes. If you're still here. Yeah. After all that weirdness. Yeah. And we'll see you next week for another brief. Yeah. All right then. Ta-ra, a bit. Ta-ra. You have been listening to Limited Time Only. Brief.

[00:22:58] Small but perfectly formed. Just like me. This podcast is part of Podomity, the UK's podcast comedy network. Why not laugh at what else we've got? Visit Podomity.com.