Siri Dahl is a Supreme Tyrant

[00:00:07] Hello and welcome to the Tyrant In Training show, the improv comedy podcast where guests are given total control of their own island, their own people and their own MMA event hosted right outside their front lawn. Today I'm joined by Siri Dahl. Hi Siri. Hi. Hi there. Can I ask you, I would like you to introduce yourself, but with a catch as well, if you don't mind, right? Okay. Can you tell me a little about yourself and also give me one completely made up fact about Siri Dahl that I am from now on going to treat as an absolute like state sanctioned propaganda for the rest of time? Yeah, so I am an adult.

[00:00:37] Film performer, content creator, sex worker, rights activist. I've been in the adult industry since 2012, so about almost 15 years now. I'm a nerd. I play D&D. I like nerding out. I like video games. I like cats a lot. I'm a crazy cat lady. And I'm actually a trained cat behaviorist. So.

[00:01:04] Film guesses. Wait, are you actually? No, you're not. Wait, I don't know if that's true now. It's like, oh, make up a fact about yourself, right? What do you mean cat behaviorist? What does that mean? Like, like, you know, it's like a psychologist, but for cats. Ah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Yeah, cool. I did not know. Okay, cool. That is the big fact. That isn't. Oh, is it? No, no, no, no. I didn't make that up. Like, why did I ask? I should have just went into this. Is that a thing?

[00:01:30] yes it is i follow people online who are cat behaviorists yeah interesting okay um can i tell you something right i was here one day and i said to slain hey i'm after figuring out something about beep it's really cute right when you know if there's like food on the table and a cat would want to go for it and you have to be like no no go away yeah people go away and he'd be fine but he'll sit away somewhere and then he'll like exhale through his nose and a kind of a right oh he does

[00:01:56] the or oh no no it's not just two notes yeah like the angry yeah when he's yeah my cats do that when they're yeah and i was like oh that's really that's that's cute right and then selene then i thought selene would go oh beep is great but she went yeah you do that and i was like what and she said when you get annoyed if you're playing a game or something you go so now we're trying to figure

[00:02:23] out does beep copy me or am i copying him and i'm like i'm not copying a cat i'm sorry i'm a male in this house um everyone's just arriving at that behavior on their own because it feels like a nice way to express yourself when you're feeling frustrated and annoyed i have done it in work um we're gonna jump into you ruling your own country would you be comfortable with like ruling over people uh

[00:02:48] uh i suppose yes like i don't so i don't want positions of power like look i'm i'm committed to being uh child free um i voluntarily got uh sterilization surgery a couple years ago and part of that is because i like genuinely do not want the responsibility of being a parent at any time in my life being a parent to cats now that's responsibility i'm more than capable of and very excited to handle

[00:03:15] um being responsible for other human beings that uh that that need me to take care of them in like many many many ways not something that i feel very enticed by so um my answer to that is like yes but only if i really felt like like well someone's got to do it you know yeah someone has to step up

[00:03:38] right and yeah part of premise of this podcast yeah say yeah or if this ends yeah this ends immediately something has happened in the world that has led to me being the person that's got to step up and i gotta do it yeah all right what i'm gonna do is when i go edit this i'm going to pull some quotes from you later in this interview to pull back here so what i'm gonna do is i'm gonna play them now right i assume that the world is upset because i'm just doing too many lemons

[00:04:07] yeah i'm a tyrant but i open the back door pete hegseth will sit on the threshold and look up at me if someone uses uh ai to generate like a deep fake image of someone um go to therapy i'm just curious are you going to stand by both ethically and legally what you are about to say in the podcast there's a chance that i'll say something really out of pocket like i can i can say shit just for the

[00:04:32] uh comedic effect sometimes but i like to think that whatever i say i yeah i think i'll stand by it you'll stand by that's absolutely no problem um okay we're going to jump into your podcast right okay so what we do is we don't take over a country because that's i think that's bad call me crazy let's not do that yeah yeah we're going to set up your own island right your own perfect island let's see that's great okay so and it's i assumed it's an abandoned i didn't kick anyone off the

[00:05:01] island oh nobody's ever brought that up no no there is no one's been on the island no no there's a brand new we've mag magicked it into the world right so i'm going to show you a map of the world because i just want to find out where in the world you would want your your island right okay um you can put uh it anywhere you want like are you more of a hot person or cold weather person or something temperate would be really nice i think yeah would you go close to close to home or would you want to

[00:05:28] get away you know it'd be kind of funny to be like right off the coast of south carolina oh it is right here is that not where like would you not be in the way of uh hurricanes yeah good point shit i didn't think about that uh obviously i've never lived there before uh maybe how about what about like off the coast of portugal there we go i don't know what the like oceans like over there but i mean what are these other little islands that are right there

[00:05:56] yeah grand canary and okay yeah so maybe like north of the canary islands you know like kind of off the coast of we're just going to invent an island yeah yeah yeah somewhere like there and around there yeah yeah yeah that's good to me like that um there is a comedian yeah he's from america chris grace and he recently told me that um a lot of americans look to portugal if they want

[00:06:22] to leave the perfect country i think on us i have a couple friends who have uh gone and and lived in portugal yeah i know a couple people that have done that in the last few years yeah because apparently yeah portugal are like looking to bring in people and it's like kind of not handy but yeah yeah it does seem like their visa was fairly generous i also heard that that is like changed more recently um so some of the people i knew who went to portugal and lived there for a couple years like

[00:06:49] had to come back oh really port i've been there wouldn't allow them to renew their their visa anymore so yeah that's something um you know in the porn industry do you have to just in general like do you have to be in america to like make a career i know there's like online stuff but like you know like only fans i guess many were but it does seem like you kind of have to move to the u.s if not spend a whole lot of time in the u.s to get to a certain level of yeah yeah um because i mean i

[00:07:18] know so many people there's a lot of uh brits australians like people from overseas i mean just a couple days ago i did a collab scene with a guy in the industry who just moved here after he's been in the porn industry for like a decade or so yeah um but he just moved to the u.s because he was mostly in like london for a while and he was like i just there's just not enough like work really yeah

[00:07:45] so you were going to have your island here just um kind of off the coast of morocco as well or just south of portugal do you have any idea what you would name your island i'd probably name it the same way that i name my like uh my my corporation that i my business uh for porn like it's not it doesn't immediately tell you what it is you know right yeah you want to be i kind of i kind of maybe i

[00:08:10] want to like a trick name you know how they say that like iceland is named iceland because it's the the actual nicer one and greenland is greenland but it's a trick because that's actually the icier one yeah i think there's a place in maine called like cold harbor like what if it cold harbor have to look up i just wanted i want to give my island a trick name there's a battle of cold harbor is the first thing that came up oh there is cold harbor in maine oh you're right yeah all right well that

[00:08:38] one's taken so i'm not gonna go for that but how about cat harbor cat harbor so you're tricking them there's no cats on this island right well shit no i definitely want cats on the island um we're never mind my idea of tricking them we're just gonna go with cat harbor because i don't want to spend yeah i could spend way too long thinking about the name i'm the kind of person that in a in an rpg game yeah i spend like hours on the character creation screen so i'm gonna need to like um set

[00:09:05] some boundaries for myself like how long i'm allowed to like deliberate these things okay we will have a cat harbor and if you want you can be like there's not many cats around the harbor that's the trick about it you think there's cats everywhere but it's fine well like that's maybe the cats aren't in the harbor they're like you have to get deeper into the island yeah yeah yeah okay cat harbor um they're not in the harbor because they're all in my house speaking of your house what type of house do you want like do you want to mention because you're you're in charge do you want a

[00:09:31] castle or a shuttle or manor i mean i definitely want space like i i gotta admit i am a person who likes space and i do assuming i mean i don't know am i doing the same kind of job there because i maybe i don't need as much space do you mean the same job as you have now yeah but i wouldn't have to work right because i'd be the tyrant yeah yeah so it's just like whatever i want yeah well oh yeah you're the boss like you can decide what type of tyrant you are if you're like busy doing loads of work all

[00:10:00] day or just i would say the size of the house isn't incredibly important i would like it to be um like very indoor outdoor space you know like a nice villa right yeah like a little like a like a villa but it doesn't i mean it doesn't need to be a huge humongous mansion i would say like it's unmanageable like like a family home size you know like 2 000 square feet maybe do you do you want

[00:10:24] any like do you want any luxury inside in the villa that's like no i need to have this luxury i want a pot filler in my kitchen i want a pot filler in my kitchen what's a pot filler it's where they build a faucet into the back wall behind the stove so that when you make pasta you don't have to take your thing over to the sink you can just set it on the stove and fill it you because you are really good at cooking right i like cooking a lot yeah because you especially love cooking soups and like pasta

[00:10:54] things that require pots full of liquid and i'm so sad that i've never had a pot filler oh i never knew they even existed because you won like a cooking competition right i did for um only fans tv they have like a reality series online and i and i won yeah yeah so you can have a pot filler as the actually i should ask what is what is the official title that you should be going by like how should people refer

[00:11:20] to you i feel like um my official title like on paper would be different than what i would i don't i don't want people to call me like my full title to my face all the time that would be a little bit annoying i think do you want royalty like queen or goddess or empress or do you want like president uh or it can be anything by the way it can be any name you want or any official title

[00:11:45] supreme leader supreme leader we are going to put you down as a supreme leader but people shouldn't call you that to your face correct they can just call me siri oh okay now if they do call you supreme leader to your face are you mad at them are you telling them stop or warning them i'll just be like hey you don't have to do all that that's fine you know okay oh actually i should say if you're going to be called supreme leader do you have any like official attire you're going to be wearing

[00:12:10] um i guess whatever the hell i want but i probably wear a lot of um like like embellished flowy things either that or just like i'd be in a swimsuit all the time because i this island is warm yeah oh god yeah in a very beautiful like ocean and i'd probably spend a lot of time near the beach by the by the yeah do you want your own your own private beach well yeah i kind of assume that if

[00:12:36] i'm the supreme leader and i have my little villa that it has some beach access yeah i don't it doesn't need to be like completely secluded because i don't know i i kind of it's kind of fun when you see other people on the beach yeah no if it's completely empty all time you're a bit it's not great yeah um yeah like i'm not trying to be lonely right yeah all right so you're going to be amongst the people yeah yeah okay do you want any security uh maybe some basic security like i kind of feel

[00:13:05] like there's no i don't i'm not super into like the idea of having video cameras everywhere i think you don't want like you know like in america you have the secret service right or like in in roman empire you had praetorian guards with the swords and everything do you want any like special force around you um maybe just like one of those guys whose job it is to like if someone gives me like a weird drink then it's like there's a guy whose a job is to take a sip of it first in case it's poisoned

[00:13:32] yes well if you're walking down the street and people are in stalls and they're like oh supreme leader siri they're insistent to call you um here have a apple pie yeah i'd be like baked it i mean chances are like look we haven't gotten into the way that i'm treating people who live on my island but i my intention is to not be a piece of shit oh like i feel like yeah i'm a tyrant but like i'm

[00:13:57] not trying to like give people horrible lives so so i would hope that in in in my conception of this situation the risk would actually be from people outside who are like coming to try to like steal our island you know yes like the people who live on the island would maybe like not want to kill me ideally okay and i know we're both joking about this and i was almost gonna go

[00:14:21] foreigners wait a minute i don't know where that direction is going that's not where i wanted to go with that but okay people outside your island are no it's like it like pete hegseth you know rolling up to my island claiming that i'm a narco trafficker or something and trying to send bombs to my island is yeah right um i honestly i'm pretty sure he doesn't know his way around the map so i think you're fine i don't think he does either i want to ask about your people

[00:14:49] what i want to ask about your island first of all is is there any everyday item or any pet peeve of yours that you want banned on your island that you're like look no we don't need it ah meta ray banned glasses yeah in fact surveillance stuff in general i think is is banned uh security cameras yeah i don't yeah we'd be fine with them like i don't really want security cameras i'm just kind

[00:15:15] of tired of everything being recorded and surveilled uh so it'd be nice to have a place where no one has to deal with that you know do it you're like you're a celebrity right i mean technically one one could probably use that term to apply to me yeah yeah i mean i just because you must know that if you're walking on the street and someone's like oh i recognize her like like for me i the amount of

[00:15:42] times i've just walked on the street and you know when you're walking past someone and they just kind of glanced you and then like my mind is going what the fuck is wrong with me like what's wrong why are they looking at me and then i'm like oh leave it but like i'm not i don't have as many followers as you type of thing so i'm like yeah it happened more often so you just have to be kind of okay with that right yeah and i mean it's it's fine i've people i don't get recognized a ton

[00:16:06] in public but um i've you know fortunately i've never had an example where someone recognized me and it was like uncomfortable for me it's like it's usually normal i think a lot of people probably recognize me and don't say anything because they feel weird about saying something but the ones who do say anything at all it's like they're usually like really kind and respectful and it's that's minimally

[00:16:28] awkward yeah that's yeah okay that's quite good and yes you are banning uh those meta ray bandings good answer what i have to ask about your people is you know how stereotyping is wrong good and uh that's a test and uh just for the sake of fun if someone outside your country because you mentioned him if pete hegsett was asked what are the people like on cat harbour

[00:16:57] and if what would be a positive stereotype i know no stereotypes aren't positive you know whatever the positive stereotype that he would say about your people um i feel like he'd be like god they're just all so idealistic it's so annoying yeah yeah they they care about other people what's wrong with them yeah yeah um yeah oh you're for sure communist right that's the that's the front page

[00:17:25] news in in some places yeah i'm not i don't want to attract the ire of all the internet communists like i'm not that well educated on on communism as a philosophy uh i have not read capital i mean i'm pretty politically involved and educated on that i would say i would say it would it would be um a very very like egalitarian yeah oh well i mean i mean pete hegsett is describing it as

[00:17:53] flat out communism because oh yeah yeah no yeah yeah whatever whatever the structure of how this looks it's like any right winger from the outside would 100 just be like it's a communist island for sure yeah it's a woman in charge is communism that's that's the only it's the only hurdle truly though yeah what would be a negative stereotype that someone would say because again i'm not asking

[00:18:18] pete hegsett from canadian what would there's too many cats there's way too many cats in your i say palace but in your nice villa how many cats do you reckon you'd fit in before you go okay that's enough yeah so that's that's a hard one because um i own you know i'm a parent to two cats in real life i've thought many times i i love to fantasize about getting a third cat but um the social dynamic as

[00:18:44] it is in my house is is functioning very well and i really feel like the chance of a third cat would upset things um i feel like my older daughter would never speak to me again um so i just want you know i feel like it's a cat rescue island i feel like the cats come here for uh respite from oh you bring them in other and yeah i feel like i feel like we welcome rescued cats

[00:19:13] cats and potentially maybe other animals too me and cats are kind of my priority personally um but i feel like we'd have to i don't think that all the that i would have you know the cats that i take care of personally um that i'm bonded with that would live in my house with me let's say if my house is big enough to satisfy it maybe as many as like five um i kind of feel like more than that is

[00:19:38] a little a little crazy but i think i'd only have five if i like if they were like all from the same litter or i like adopt them all at the same time so that all five cats like have a strong bond with each other and no one feels like bullied or left out yeah you're actually like they're part of the pride not just i have four cats outside and i see them every day um yeah have you ever been to um

[00:20:02] rome i have been like years ago yeah just for a couple days but i the cats were one of my favorite parts when i went to the coliseum and and the ruins and stuff we the place with the um where they say julius caesar was stabbed right i don't know if you that's where they have the like cat sanctuary or something and i don't know if i went there but that's amazing i mean it's free you just i saw a lot of cats anyway yeah um they we didn't realize there was so many cats in rome and so we went down

[00:20:29] and you went into this um kind of room this room underground kind of thing and uh we were in there and it was a um charity right to look after the cats around rome so we're like okay cool and they had an extra room and inside it was a load of cats and they said to us those cats are basically either too old too weak too sick to be going outside on the streets and stuff but you can go in and pet them and stuff so you're like that's fantastic right so we went in and there was this guy there was this cat

[00:20:55] that was black and orange i think it was and it was the sweetest kitten right it was adorable so we were like lovely cat and it was called calabano and the woman there kept being like oh calabano oh calabano oh he must like you and we were like this is the friendliest cat if stephen miller walked in the cat would go hey like this is just oh my god i think they wanted us to adopt him and i was like

[00:21:22] we're going back to ireland we can't pick up the cat oh it was yeah they're calabano oh calabano so nice we were like no that's so cute calabano yeah if you ever go again look for julius caesar's um burial site forever um okay what i'm going to do you're familiar with with dnd and stuff um i'm gonna

[00:21:45] find out how what your approval rating is like yeah you'll be fine i'm gonna roll this d100 but i'm gonna roll it twice and whatever the higher number is is your approval rating right okay um supreme leader siri i will call you siri is um your approval rating is 91 oh fuck yeah yeah it's gotta be a record

[00:22:07] right what i know i did have someone 98 has any any leader of a country ever had a solid 91 percent that seems like a little insane right off now here's are we sure it's not rigged did i rig my own approval rating did you uh no okay you have to think about that that's fine what i'll do is i'll leave in a massive pause in the air where it's like why is she taking sorry um sometimes people have

[00:22:35] come along and they've they've had ideas of um taking over other countries and i don't want to like limit anyone's role play so what i usually say to him is if you get an approval rating over 90 you can take over a country but not in a combative way if any world leader had a 91 percent rating surely other countries go we need we need to join them they are so good so if you want you can have

[00:23:02] another country join you if you want oh boy and you can pick the country as well they will willingly like that's like a lot to go from an island of what what's the population of my island like it's yeah no i usually give people 10 million people on the island is that okay that seems like a whole lot but okay so that does okay yeah that gives me more frame of reference for like okay if i've been running yeah i've been running this big island with 10 million people on it that's like that's like a

[00:23:32] major united states that's two islands and i have a 91 approval rating of my 10 million population island so i'm doing even better than zoran mamdani i probably i mean i don't know what his i don't know what his approval rating is but it could be like i don't think it's 91 i think it's really high but it's probably really high right but yeah like high is is that not like oh it's 60 percent do you

[00:23:56] know like yeah that would be like high yeah um you are the most beloved world leader would you want another island or another country to join you or would you say no no look i'll just handle 10 million i think i just want to stick with yeah i don't really want to take over another country i mean like i would say i'd have a pretty welcoming policy about people who want to come live on the island like right you're not i assume that at some point like capacity could become an issue

[00:24:26] no we'll say you're you're not stupidly going to overload the island and it goes down yeah yeah yeah no no you'll be fine um yeah but i'd say i'd try to work with um like if there's a country specifically where people have it really rough and they're like very very enticed by coming to cat harbor then i might try to work out some sort of like um you know like program with that nation's government would it be fun to do some sort of program where you're like since people

[00:24:55] want to come along hey college students you can come over and help the cats for six months you know do some volunteer and you'll get cheap housing or whatever right as you stay yeah i would love that boom lovely um are you interested in finding out what your approval rating is with the rest of the world you don't have sure are you sure yeah okay um it's 13 percent so when you're a supreme leader why are they so mad what are they so mad about

[00:25:26] you've gotten less mom danny and more kim jong-un damn uh are you okay with that you don't you're all right with with the people on my island are happy like i assume that the world is upset because i'm just doing so well they're just jealous they're just haters yeah yeah no screw um do you okay so what we'll do is we'll have to find out um now

[00:25:52] that and they maybe just don't like cats i don't dog people are you a dog person at all like i like i love all animals um i have kind of settled on on cat as my personality because uh i'm a i'm a much better cat mom than i am any other pet parent um i grew up with both dogs and cats though and i love dogs i would just be a horrible dog owner i i yeah when you have cats it's really hard to like

[00:26:17] dogs require a level of structure that i'm incapable of providing um since you have such high approval rating how should people celebrate your birthday oh my god um okay i think it's just gonna be like a festival like maybe it's like we do like a huge bonfire party on the beach and there's like karaoke and there's like fun and games and um and people go swimming and maybe it's like um a costume party

[00:26:47] so everyone's in like cosplay right um look i love the ren fair maybe it's literally like a ren fair on the beach oh my god i know someone who who works at a ren fair i can't remember who they are but someone recently told me yeah that are they know someone who works at a ren fair because we don't have them because we we just we just had the medieval stuff here but um you're telling me that you don't go i know it's that's well you drive i haven't been to ireland but my partner spent a lot

[00:27:15] of time there and just generally in the uk and yeah yeah and he's made quite a point of explaining to me how whenever he was in ireland it's like you drive on the highway for a couple hours and you'll pass like multiple abandoned castles for like 1100 like so yeah i guess you don't need a ren fair there it's like you're living in it there is there's a castle about half an hour away from me and i've

[00:27:42] never gone and done this but like they have it it's called bunrati castle and they have it where you can go and get like a medieval banquet you can pay for the whole experience where right there you go see have you heard of medieval times because that's the equivalent of what we have in the u.s and it's it's uh yeah yeah it's like what you're describing but it's like the mcdonald's version because it's like it it's like the disneyland version of that right you know get me chicken nuggets it's all totally fake it's like built into like a strip mall or whatever

[00:28:10] like i no hate i love medieval times i'm literally actually going there for my birthday oh really yeah no i i okay i must try um it's a lot of fun yeah um i so people are going to you said they're going to dress up like a ren fair or some cosplay right i feel like that would be a fun thing but yeah it can just be anything like i i think people should dress in costumes for my birthday what are you dressing up as in this scenario what are you dressing up on your birthday

[00:28:40] um i feel like i'd be wearing like a full chainmail thing but it'd be like kind of sexy what's what's sexier than a full night with a big sword like a like almost like a dress you know like like fashion-y chainmail like i like from a distance i maybe look like i'm a knight but i'm not really like i'm just like kind of like wearing a cool dress that's uh impractically heavy

[00:29:06] oh wait something like this sorry i'm going to show you because i'm i'm curious um that sort of thing is that a bit dressy that one doesn't have enough chainmail on it but kind of yeah i would say like an idea of that yeah okay um we'll get you that for your birthday um okay so um on you know how every leader deals with uh political scandal right remember brack obama had a tan suit that was tough

[00:29:36] right it was rough it was a really rough time those were dark days how dare he thank god we're not there again um so i mean you're gonna have to deal with a political scandal at some point right uh the good thing is you get to pick what your scandal would be and if it helps i'm going to roll and tell you what your approval rating goes down to uh so it was 91 okay okay so i rolled genuinely

[00:30:03] it went the first time ever it went to 100 it's like oh well too bad i have to go down sorry no and then i rolled again and genuinely it went from 91 down to 88 so why did three percent of your population get mad at you um is what i'm asking um and it's a light entertainment podcast what would what would you have done scandal be yeah if you had to have a scandal what would you

[00:30:30] try and get away with um i think the scandal would be that like there's too many lemons on the island i hope that you know short for drugs or something what do you mean lemon what what like like among like the island grows a lot of fruits and things and you know it's very like warm climate so like obviously lemons grow there and i feel like um i feel like that's that was the scandal like

[00:30:57] that you planted too many lemon trees yeah that i i was like wow it's great that lemons grow so well here so let's plant some more and then it just ended up being too many lemons and people were like upset they're like there's everywhere i walk there's just like lemons everywhere your people sound high strong they're really stressed about these lemons but then i think the reason my approval rating went up is because you know what do you do when your island gives you

[00:31:22] lemons go on you make lemonade all right yeah focus so now now we just have a lot of really delicious lemonade on my island and and problem solved okay so okay so you want to insist that your approval rate went up to 100 because you made lemonade out of all right that's the first time

[00:31:44] i get defeated by a well-worked pun um your approval rating abroad is 66 they love that um maybe we're like exporting our lemonade and you know what there is a are you allowing like your it's been blessed by the cats in what way um have you ever seen the viral video of the there's like one i don't even remember the user it's like some guy on instagram who like posts videos because

[00:32:12] his cat like taps him on the head whenever he walks like into the the cat will like sit on the refrigerator no when he walks into the room the cat like boops him on the head with his paw no so i feel like that's there's just like you know we make this lemonade and like when it comes out in the bottles on like a conveyor belt the cats are just like there's just a bunch of cats and they tap it

[00:32:34] oh they're tapping the lid down yeah and they're blessing the lemonade it's a great island um yeah yeah yeah we go with that i am i was gonna actually i'm gonna ask you because um i'm curious with your island and either way your citizens are going to be happy i'm not going to roll and in they're unhappy about this but are you allowing people to vote for like 100 senators and they do the everyday boring admin-y part to run the country or would you tell your citizens look there's no voting you just pick

[00:33:03] 10 of your like 10 people you know how to run an island so is there democracy or not yeah i'd say there's democracy um i just feel like it's there's a lot of potential for chaos if it's just like honor system pick some folks um so i feel like but i do feel like it needs to be a very like if we're gonna do democracy it does need to be pretty it needs to be fairly like representative so um yeah if there's like 10 million people i would like a really great like ratio of like

[00:33:33] representatives to like population yeah yeah like i don't know what's like an like i don't i don't even know what's normal i feel like most cities have it's like la i think is like one representative per million residents in like our at the county level it's like pretty horrific yeah i would say uh the ratio should be like one representative per like 25 000 yeah yeah even more than that like

[00:34:01] okay um now what happens though if people are voting for someone who campaign was promoted by the worst people in the world who just happen to be the richest people in the world throwing out ai videos the whole time making their their candidate look great and everyone else look crap are you allowing that or you say no lads we have to vote again something's gone ai is banned on my island

[00:34:25] thank you that's fantastic um we're not even letting that possibility have like no actually let's just say that's that is one of the gravest defenses on my island is using using ai what happens if i use ai you'll get deported okay i'm just gonna play the role as john who has applied for

[00:34:49] a job at the bakery and has used ai to write my cover letter so i'm being deported yeah it's not like a one strike you're out thing but like you will be you will be um sent to a um mandatory re-education program right now i were you yes uh where you are observed and uh surveillance you know evaluated

[00:35:16] and and then given a comprehensive training program to make up for your lack of skills that have led you to feeling like you need to use ai to do basic tasks you um i will say if if someone uses uh ai to generate like a deep fake image of someone that one they don't get re-education straight to deportation okay they're kicked off um do they even can i petition you to stay on the

[00:35:43] island plead my case no please but what about my family i look after three uh babies my my tree babies they can leave with you you're sending them all away but where will i go you don't elon musk's house ship him in a box um okay but if i did a deep fake of like jesus christ my lord and savior is that okay

[00:36:09] that's blasphemy actually that's probably worse that's between you and god now like good luck strike me down you're gonna get smote wouldn't dare sir you wouldn't dare um okay no ai that's great um is there hey um is your partner on the island with you they they are yeah absolutely do they have any power he does what he wants i would say like um

[00:36:39] he can't overrule you or anything i mean i feel like i am he's not the supreme leader like i am yeah yeah yeah um i care about his opinions and stuff but he doesn't inherently have like political power that you have the final say right you're you're you're in charge yeah yeah yeah okay um there is a knock on your door right one of your staff is knocking knock knock knock knock knock knock

[00:37:06] knock knock knock hello oh hello open the door hello there hi i'm siri i am paul i'm your finance person hello hi hi nice to meet you this person who's been taking care of my finances it's going great that lemon plan beautiful um i've checked the numbers you have a lot of money in your country you have 10 billion in surplus oh good news wonderful we love that yeah um the people are

[00:37:32] so happy with you a hundred percent it's never happened before people are naming all their children after siri is that a load yeah absolutely you everyone you name your kids what if you want to name your kids like literally everyone is dressing up as you like name your kid whatever you want yeah everyone is dressing up as you in the festival well that's hilarious you're okay with that with like masks of you on everywhere it's kind of it's kind of creepy but i'm not going to stop them from

[00:38:01] if that's what they want to do they're allowed to do that let's see how this flies um paul is saying hey there um they're they love you so much they want to celebrate you okay um they would like to build a world wonder in your honor but they're not as creative as you let's face it uh what should they build to celebrate you a world wonder oh my god i feel like we should terraform one like part of the

[00:38:28] island one area of the island to be the world's largest natural formation cat jungle gym oh my god okay when this is going to be massive like yeah uh what's called yellowstone national park is that what it's called yeah yeah yeah yeah okay like it's i'm picturing like dr sucy like kind of like mossy like earthen shapes growing up out of the ground it is kind of like fenced like um

[00:38:55] fenced it they can't jump out air quotes around that but it's it's it's like an atrium you know yeah with like where they would like where a zoo would keep like the like wild birds and shit and this is actually for the sake of the birds because the cats will also eat the birds so it's like they're they're kind of in an enclosure but they have tons of space to wander around do you are your cats and there's like waterfalls and stuff oh naturally yeah yeah yeah my cats are my cats are very strictly

[00:39:22] indoor cats but i have a fenced in backyard that is quite large and they get um 30 minutes or so of supervised recess every day we get to spend time outside yeah i was gonna ask like oh they know that they only get to go outside when i'm out there with them yeah oh really what why is that because they're not able to get outside yeah they have no access on their own they have to ask me and

[00:39:48] they they know like i've actually i've been doing this for a while now and i've gotten it almost trained to the point where like i open the back door and the door is just wide open and they will sit on the threshold and look up at me oh and if i go okay okay then they like run outside oh that's cute um we had i made a catio the same for you know catio right yes um oh yeah yeah i i want to

[00:40:12] actually build one like it's uh i rent so it's kind of tricky i have to like figure out a way i'd have to basically custom build it and make it so i can like completely take it down that's what i did in the old place we lived in and i kind of haven't been able to hear because it's different structure or whatever but um i built it and i went out i went out to the kitchen one day and i saw ellie the girl cat just walking past the back door because she had gotten out of the catio and i was like oh

[00:40:39] that's a problem i better and i didn't want to like run out in a panic because you know she'd only run a bit then but i was like okay better go and get her and i walked out and she was on the um the outside the garden table and i was like okay go get her and then i think she went in next door but she was fine she came back fine but i remember thinking oh no where are the other two because obviously if she got out the other two can get out and i looked in the catio the two boys

[00:41:04] letting the whole male species down were just sat there beside the open hole just kind of looking at ellie being like oh how did she get free and i was like oh my god guys come on or they were just very good boys they could be they are you know and they were like oh no she's gonna get in trouble we're not gonna do that we're not gonna try that no she's not in trouble

[00:41:28] oh no don't make activations okay good um but i mean yeah cats don't understand trouble anyway so there's no point in like reprimanding them they just don't respond so how about the siri national park it's being built right the siri national park hell yeah paul is gonna go off and do that and go you're the best ever my i've named all my children siri and my girlfriend and then runs out the door

[00:41:53] he named his girlfriend yeah that's all right that's devotion or do you like using dating app to find it spent like 10 years finding a woman with the same name as me whatever the equivalent of tinder is what people on your country on your island have realized is that the women have realized well if i want to get matches i have to change my name to siri oh my god no i should change my name to siri wait dating apps are also banned on my island yeah have you ever used a dating app

[00:42:22] uh not in a while i mean i used field i went on some dates with people i met on field like last year um my partner and i are non-monogamous but right um that that's the first time in years that i'd used a dating app and i got off it pretty quick i was like okay that's just no um yeah yeah um okay so as he goes and does that so you walk amongst the people you're happy with that but are they allowed

[00:42:49] to petition you for like things absolutely yeah again they can just walk up to you yeah okay we're gonna play out that scenario right all right i'm walking up to you and go hi what's uh what's a name you like a male name you like comes to your head a male name that i like um damn i used to say i i i've always loved peter like peter pan like but but now we have pete hegseth and peter teal

[00:43:15] fucking that up for everyone so i can't say i don't want to say peter um let's see max okay hi there siri i'm donald hi there how are you he goes for a hug are you a hugger yeah yeah he goes for so you would hug donald i mean we don't know his last name people can just be he could be donald duck yeah i'm hugging donald yeah yeah no no no his name is donald zelinski hi there um siri i have a

[00:43:42] problem supreme leader siri um yes and i was wondering could i ask you to to fix it for me um uh if i can i will try what's the problem i have this new idea i'm trying to get off the ground but people won't let me um rent out an arena for it so i have this new sport it's fantastic right it's called ultimate cat fighting ucf and i would like to host it in front of your house um it's going to be great we're going to do it on your birthday um the cats all have gloves on don't worry i've defanged

[00:44:09] them it's great do not condone any of this um yeah so i just need i just need your permission to set up in front of your yard it's not going to take up much space but yeah if you can do that um i have i actually have a few issues with this proposition um one i don't know how you found a vet to do a defanging surgery on i do myself i'm a vet myself i can do it myself one man operation all right so

[00:44:35] first of all we're gonna take your vet's license away i won't need any more after this sport yeah wildly unethical yeah i understand that you have an idea that you think is going to bring entertainment and uh and other positive things to the island i don't agree that having actual cats fight each other is a good idea it's for a great cause i will approve what is the cause are you fundraising for something yeah no no i'm fundraising for kittens to come to the island so we can start them

[00:45:05] when you have a cat that learns to fight early they get confidence they get self-esteem and they some people will get fame from it so that's what we're doing we're raising money to rescue kittens from the mean streets of dublin and bring them here i appreciate that you've clearly put a lot of thought into this vision but i am sorry to say that is not what we're doing we will not be doing this

[00:45:30] okay i would like to offer you an alternative that you might find satisfying i'd love it you may yes have the ring that you desire and front of your house have this sport uh the the in front of my house is the beach and i don't think it's a good idea for you to build this arena on the beach so okay um you know you can build it more like in town where it's close to a lot of people who will want to

[00:45:58] come observe these matches okay but the beach the beach door is really setting and i have a company that will be willing to do it they promise that they'll be able to set up an arena on why why do you why do you want it to be on the beach so bad just a setting just a beautiful setting you know it's great um but people go to the beach for the beach they don't go to the beach to see an arena sport but they can lounge on the beach right and and watch it okay this is where i'm gonna remind

[00:46:23] you that i'm the supreme leader and i say no no catfight arena on the beach you can have a catfight arena in town okay okay can i have it underground in a tunnel i don't think that i just feel like that's uh an accessibility issue more than anything so no no it is gonna have to be a the boring company said

[00:46:49] they can tunnel in no problem and then it'll be loads of space you can drive a car in it's fine i'm trying to work with you and if you don't stop trying to find loopholes i'm gonna say no to all of this okay okay what can i get away with you can have an arena in town like a normal arena that is above ground in the middle that is not near the beach okay yeah and i can have my cats fight there

[00:47:16] you can have adult consenting humans dress up as cats okay and this is a no contact sport how do you fight with no contact words you dumb ass they they hiss at each other sorry um they hiss at each other

[00:47:41] they're allowed to do like little like you know little like little slaps like that little cat slaps but that's and and and maybe like some light sort of wrestling so i guess very low contact um okay and and okay i want to ask you something would you honestly the injury rate like we will observe this before tickets are allowed to be sold and the injury rate must be uh less than 50 of that of of like rugby okay

[00:48:09] 50 yeah okay yeah yeah and would you honestly watch this as a sport i feel like i'm losing sight of that you would honestly watch two grown adults in catsuits lightly slap their knees can you tell me the name of where we are right now sir cat harbor yes yeah so so that that makes sense doesn't it absolutely no idea right yeah yeah and so we're we're inventing a new sport that's entertaining and

[00:48:38] funny okay and honestly probably cute at times as well and importantly we're not harming any actual cats in the process that seems like my usb in fact i think cats will be getting free tickets to attend the fights and view them but i think there will be a lot of cats in the audience okay he's he's he's gonna say yes because he knows better than to argue with um supreme leader but he's gonna go away

[00:49:04] he's gonna probably complain online on social media um and be boosted by awful people who run those uh sites and there's a knock on your door i won't i won't keep you much longer right um because i know it's like an hour or so um there is a knock on your door knock knock knock yes hello oh hello hi it's paul hello hello again hi paul hi there how are you i'm good how are you i'm terrible i have lost

[00:49:33] um my confidence uh girlfriend broke up with me i'm sorry why the one that you named after me yeah was that why was she like why won't you call me my actual name and then she left um no it's her parents boat named siri who said that she could do better so she broke up with you because of what her parents

[00:49:53] said yeah can you deport them uh that doesn't sound like a normal thing to do um do you was there like an argument that you guys had before her parents had this conversation with her i said that if she cosplayed as siri doll then that will take our relationship to marriage and she said no or their parents said no they said they're not paying for the outfit i think that's a kind of a reasonable

[00:50:22] response from her parents uh all right well the good news is i'm going on holiday to get away from it all but before i go um i'm going for six weeks to mar-a-lago i hear it's a wonderful hotel it's fantastic my favorite podcast tells me it's great so before i go of course um i just let you know siri national park has been built looks fantastic okay amazing imagine terraforming costs a lot of

[00:50:48] money it costs five billion okay but we you know um by the way i did check the finances before i go it turns out there was a minus sign on the on the uh the old budget there so we actually had minus 10 billion uh we're now minus 15 billion in debt the international monetary fund has emailed us asking like how are we going to make extra money i'll let you i'll be back in six weeks um just said you let you know that i'm just gonna go grab my pain with plane uh bye bye gives you a hug okay bye he gives

[00:51:14] you a hug hug back i mean somewhat i don't i mean i feel weird i'm gonna give him like kind of the like half-assed side hug because he's a big bear hugger yeah well he's on his way to mar-a-lago i'm like i don't know what you're up to i don't know how we got him yeah okay i want minimal contact do you think there's anyone who would go because that is a hotel or something right like way from it's like a resort in florida yeah yeah there has to be someone so stupid that someone has booked that

[00:51:44] place like i to do that in the last like 10 years i feel like that's i i just have a feeling there definitely is someone out there who's like oh i heard it was a nice resort and never probably so he's going there that's paul he's flying off in his plane first class six weeks paid vacation how are you going to deal with the budget crisis um and i will say your approval rating is 20 because of it

[00:52:11] because the budget crisis your mind is 15 billion debt yeah people are not happy they love their economy doing well and by the way you don't need to make 15 billion in one goal it's just how did we get into this deficit because that doesn't just happen you know how expensive cat food and cat litter is that's the only excuse i'm given that's all you left to deal with it like cats are roaming

[00:52:36] the island they're they're pooping in nature and they've eaten so many lemons um you know how cats love lemons you know how they love lemons um so yeah no how are you going to make a bit more money like what's your strategy for we're gonna beef up our tourism on the island so how do you beef up tourism i mean jesus well you gotta spend money to make money so first of all we're gonna have to go a

[00:53:01] little bit more into debt we're gonna have to put about two billion dollars into an advertising a big old advertising campaign yeah um yeah i guess we're gonna target uh the areas that are closest to us knowing that people on you know in portugal and morocco and the canary islands can just hop on a boat and be here in a couple hours um so we're gonna advertise this as like the the cat's paradise

[00:53:29] like right anyone who loves cats should come visit here and they can see a human cat fight um they can visit the world's largest cat uh playground enclosure yeah yeah um so you are actually advertising donald sport some of the most delicious lemonade that has ever existed on the planet oh that was a nice nice um bit of vodka even as well lovely lovely nice evening drink as well

[00:53:56] um and they can even take home uh tax-free a up to 10 ounces of our islands um our own signature we crossbred um different kinds of catnip so we have our own special um variety of catnip that we grow on the island and cats go wild for it like and the cats go wild for it yeah okay yeah good um i've just

[00:54:25] realized when i was saying when you were saying about tourism i was like if everyone is like we love siri so much we're all gonna call ourselves that we're gonna be dressing up always as you said if people are going hey we go on holiday we'll go to cat harbor with a lads holiday and then they show up and they're like i know this person the island is full of them okay your um approval rating thankfully went up to 77 and people are happy out i'm just gonna ask you every leader has to figure out

[00:54:55] um a successor right their succession plan the way i do this question is you don't have to worry about like age and stuff like if you want serene mckellen to be your successor it's fine right he is and he is eternal you just have to pick someone who's like in real life like you couldn't pick a imaginary great great granddaughter right um but who would you want to lead your island after you it has to be someone that

[00:55:19] exists in the real world like right now yeah like pete exit uh yeah um i'm trying to avoid like nepotism because it's like people that i know it's like i don't just necessarily think someone deserves to take over just because they know me personally is there anyone you know though that you would think i know they do a good job running this bullshit island i feel like it would have to be a two-step

[00:55:45] democratic process right um where the first step is uh just to kind of cull through so there's like an open primary where anyone can go for it anyone can register now i will say like it can't just be anyone in the whole world they have to have at least lived on the island for let's say 10 years donald um

[00:56:09] zelensky he he might be a candidate um so the first step in the primary is actually that um the individuals who are in the running uh must uh camp inside of the cat enclosure for three days straight like hunger games um no one's killing each other okay okay yeah no they just camp there

[00:56:32] camping now the point is that they are going to spend time in the enclosure with all of the the islands cats yeah the free roaming cats um but not too free because they're in the enclosure to protect all the wild birds um whoever at the end of three days has formed the closest bond with the most number

[00:56:55] of cats in the enclosure they are officially past the first step of the primary right okay do you want to say i'm gonna then there's a democratic vote based on those people okay among the humans on the island i am going to pick two candidates one is donald zelensky the other one is max lovely man um whoever gets a higher number that i'm gonna roll i'll do it honestly okay is advancing out of them i know

[00:57:25] there's other candidates um who do you want to go first uh donald okay donald has 34 percent of cats liking him and max has 46 so max goes through uh max will be fine yeah max will be a good leader right do you want him to succeed you when you retire or do you want to like um rule until death and then he

[00:57:49] can take over i don't want to rule until death that seems insane um yeah yeah and also like retiring early isn't that what everyone's dream is like come on not even trying to be running things till i'm like 65 70 that sounds like a whole lot of time i could be spending sipping lemonade on the beach is that your drink of choice lemonade lemonade is very good actually i do like lemonade but yeah

[00:58:16] i think what is my my my thing is more like sparkling lemon i like the fizzy uh yeah yeah yeah okay so you're going to retire sparkling lemonade that's good i am going to have max take over when you retire right and i tell you what he's not even going to like screw up your island it is going to be running smoothly but um yes do you want to know what his approval rating is a year into his reign

[00:58:40] yes yours was like 77 his is 96 they love him okay absolutely love it good job max more than seemingly they ever loved you except for a brief period we got 100 um you're not jealous you wouldn't be jealous about that no i that's fantastic look if my successor is doing well then that i think reflects well on both of us paul has come back he's he's he's flipped off siri and her parents siri and

[00:59:06] siri and he's now dating max and another guy called max um you're not you're not by that oh yeah yeah oh no i mean paul deserves love you know i feel like he maybe had a kind of unhealthy boundaries around his ex-girlfriend and it seems like it's for the best that they spiraled hard all the way to florida um but he's back with max their love it's great and maxilago that's what he calls their their you

[00:59:34] know house um i would ask you as well when you do pass away and it's into the history books do you want to know you don't have to but do you want to know what like people look back on your reign and think what your approval rating is in history yeah um because you were so loved while you were um actually never even got to the point that outside of your island people hated you well you know there's

[01:00:01] always haters they probably thought that we were a cult but you know it seemed a little to be fair if i said to you hopefully the tourism program helped dispel those rumors if if you if i told you i'm just picking around if i said malta right um their president i'm not really sure what their structure is but if i said hey their president has a 98 approval rating would you in the back of your head go i better look that person up i have a feeling there's bad things going on right like you would it is

[01:00:30] unnaturally high i would kind of be like um something's yeah sounds yeah yeah it's like someone's putting out some fake numbers this i get this a little bit more of it don't mean to be you know a bit of fun but when you when you die and you have your funeral and there's people out in the street loving you know your life and all that and celebrating right do you want a big like shrine or a big mausoleum or anything

[01:00:55] you know a big place they can come and like worship you still i don't i mean i'm dead i don't care i'm not gonna be aware that they're doing that fair enough because you're approval rating i guess if people are gonna do it i can't stop them you know like um you don't want like a big pyramid and they put you in and no no i want to be buried in one of those like hippie ass like boxes full of moss

[01:01:21] where you just like turn into compost oh sweet uh oh well that's okay well you're um or just cremated i mean history looks back on you and you're a rain and your approval rating is genuinely six percent they hate you hey hey for some reason look back i think that says more about the state of the future world than anything that i did as a ruler yeah the world has gone very right way it is the

[01:01:49] nightmarish future yeah barreling toward siri thank you for for it's now earth a lago that's about three puns that you've managed in still my favorite one is the lemonade's one but thank you so much for thank you like to be a ruler of your own country strengthen you want to plug or where do people find you online or yeah i host my own podcast called first thirst and i interview a different person each episode about who their very first pop culture crushes that they

[01:02:18] remember having were so we have a lot of weird fun uh unexpected conversations there it's um weirdly wholesome even though sometimes it does lean into spicy territory um and aside from that i make all other kinds of content and like commentary you can find links to all my socials at siri doll.com or just like search for me um wherever on whatever platform i'm pretty much on everything is there any crush that any guest has come along with that you're like really because that's a fun question to ask

[01:02:48] right everyone has fun answers to that was there any that you were like um no nothing's really that surprising because i feel like well that's it's partly also like why we have the conversation right because it does like get explained more i would say one that i was just like huh i wouldn't have thought of that because this is like not because it was weird to me it's just because it's like a person that i never remember exists was um derek jeter oh who's derek jeter he's a baseball player and he's like retired now i know i didn't grow up watching like sports and stuff and i just don't like

[01:03:17] know that much about it so that one was just kind of funny to me just because i was like wow that like was pulled out of nowhere and yes in my perspective i don't know um but he's he's cute so i also get it you know like yeah um yeah good um okay thank you very much and i should ask what would be some wise words that you would give your uh captured audience on your island my captured audience oh my gosh they're

[01:03:40] not literally captured but you know attentive um go to therapy it's really good advice just in general yeah all right go to therapy yeah yeah go to therapy do actually bye

[01:03:54] this podcast is part of podomity the uk's podcast comedy network why not laugh at what else we've got visit podomity.com