Episode 1

[00:00:02] Hey everyone, sorry for the flurry of photos in the group, I just had to share these. Isn't it stunning? Oh Freddie, hello. Hello buddy, hello. Oh we're just a little bit in love over here guys. Anyway, hope everything is just magic with you all. Love, love, love.

[00:00:20] Jazz, he is a stunner. Love to you and Dave. Oh, love this for you both. Oh, lovely pigs Jazz. What a little champ. I can't wait to meet him. Fucking hell Rich, have you seen that baby yet? Looks like a dying alien. Seriously, somewhere between E.T. and a melted fucking candle.

[00:00:44] um a beautiful little boy Jazz. Imagine the shrunken shriveled head of Winston Churchill's corpse on a pink 10 day old balloon. Absolute filth. Like, it could not be uglier. Seriously though, yeah, gorgeous little boy. No matter what anyone else thinks or says. Oh, Rich. I think I might have accidentally posted those last two in the group earlier. Fuck! Okay, I'm gonna stop sending voice notes now and throw my phone in the sea. Jesus. Delete, delete, delete.

[00:01:14] Okay, the ticks were grey so I think I've got away with it. Thanks for the messages, everyone. So sweet of you. And Trish, we're really hoping he'll grow out of the half-melted alien stage soon. We'll keep you posted.

[00:01:38] Voice Notes on My Phone Episode 1. Wrong number. Hey there, Harrison. So sorry. I know you're supposed to wait like a couple of days etiquette-wise, but I just can't stop thinking about the other night.

[00:02:03] It was amazing. Incredible. Baffling. Baffling. Just how fully wrong one person can be for not liking ramen. It's objectively delicious and brilliant and not, as you, I believe, put it, wet pasta with an egg in it. But next time, I might have to insist that we do it rather than drinks. If you want to do it next time, obviously. Yeah. Okay, bye.

[00:02:27] Also, I know the girl's not supposed to be the one doing the chasing, but, you know, it's the 21st century, so let's go over ourselves. And also, I felt like you should know the ramen fact before you embarrass yourself in front of someone else. So if anything, I'm actually doing a public service. Okay, I feel like I need to drop you a normal message now. Worried I might have scared you off. Slash accidentally devastated you with my sick burn. All I was trying to say was that I had a really great time last night, and I really hope that we can do it again.

[00:02:55] If you want. Obviously, if you want. That goes without saying. I'm not going to, like, force you to go on a second date with me. That would be insane. Okay, this has gone on too long. Sorry. I've said sorry too much, too. And now I've said too, too much. Jesus. Right. Okay, I've got to go because I'm teaching in a second, but let me know when you're next three. Maybe Friday? Or whenever. I'm generally around. Although, I'm also busy sometimes. I've got a rich and varied social life, etc. I'm really going now. God, three voice notes. I'm so sorry, Harrison. Bye.

[00:03:26] Okay, never mind. See the blue ticks, so obviously I must have misread the situation. Yeah. I'll leave you alone now. Oh, hi there. I don't know your name. Thanks for the series of messages, and I'm really sorry for not responding earlier. I was kind of hoping you'd realise and would just stop, but you didn't realise, and then you sounded sad, so I thought I should reply.

[00:03:53] Okay. So, you would have worked this out by now, because my voice is not the voice of the person you're expecting. But, yeah. Sorry. My name's Richard, and this is my number. But, apart from the whole giving you a fake number thing, he seems like a great guy. Seriously, though, screw him. Ramen is the best.

[00:04:22] Rich, I'm going to be home late, but I'll stop at Tesco's on the way back. I'll get milk and bread, but drop me a text if there's anything else. And please don't try to be funny. The dragon fruit was a huge waste of money last time. And I'm going to pay on the joint card, so can you make sure there's money on it? Rich, it's Fiona. I got back from the doctors, and I've got huge news. Absolutely massive. Like, a fish. A big fish. What's the biggest fish?

[00:04:51] Well, we're talking bigger than a... One of those. Get ready to drink it up, my friend. Wait, do fish drink water? Or do they just breathe it? Wait, do we drink air? No, sorry. I know we don't drink air, but we do drink water. So do fish drink air? Like when they come up to the surface, is that them having a little drink? Little cup of air? Glug, glug, glug. This is making me thirsty.

[00:05:19] Oh, do you ever find that sometimes when you're thirsty, you also need a wee? It's like, come on, body. Do you want input or output? Pick a lane. Okay, well, I've completely forgotten why I was messaging. Bye. Hello. Richard. Well, thank you for this weirdly supportive message in these, let's face it, absolutely humiliating circumstances. I am really sorry that you had to hear the increasingly desperate and panicked recordings

[00:05:48] of a fully mad person. That is on me as a mad person. I'm going to leave you now and get back to my usually much more uneventful life. Thanks again, genuinely. Do you know what? Each message was a lovely little gift in my inbox, so I will miss them. Oh, and sorry, this is irrelevant because I'll never see you again, I suppose. But just out of curiosity, you know, so I can tell the grandchildren. What was your name? Oh, sure. Yeah, of course. It's Steph.

[00:06:17] Say hi to the grandkids. Bye forever, Richard. Bye forever, Steph. Just googled it. Whale shark. Biggest fish. You're welcome. You're welcome. I sound like Dwayne Johnson from Moana. Did you see that? Lin-Manuel Miranda did the soundtrack for the first one. It's weird when people have three names, isn't it? Greedy. Or one. Equally weird. Madonna. Sting. Plato. Cher. Hang on.

[00:06:47] Socrates. Drake. Is it just musicians and Greeks that do it? I don't like double-barreled ones either, to be fair. And I know Jasmine's gone double-barreled. Beaumont Cavendish. But where does it end? What if her kid marries another double-barreled kid and they keep every one of their names? And then they have kids? In 50 years, there'll be no more space on the flipping envelope. Posty will fall asleep before he reads down to the postcode. Do you know what I think? I'd make a great postman. Postwoman? Post-person? No, that sounds like I'm dead.

[00:07:17] I would, though. I've got the pins for it. And I'm scared of dogs. What's the biggest dog? Great Dane? Should be called a whale dog, really. What was I messaging you about? All right, mate. Ask me favourite friend. If you could ask Tom when you next see him. God, I'm good value. Also, how's Jazzy's baby? She hasn't re-added me to that group yet, which, to be fair, is an absolute win for me. Anyway, back to me.

[00:07:46] I went on a date last night. Steady. Here she comes. Calm down, mate. All right. Fucking hell. So, I matched with this guy. Real fucking Ray Mears type. You know the ones with the hair. Knows his way around a life insurance form. You get it. I'm sitting there in this Sky Sports bar because he knows how to treat a lady. No. To be fair, the curling was on. So, I had to see it. In fact, it wasn't on. I told them to put it on. I mean, it's the curling, guys.

[00:08:13] Anyway, there I am watching them friction the fuck out of some ice. And I'm listening to him. He's going on about fucking average rainfall in the Y Valley like I'm some sort of fucking mum. He's trying to impress after just coming back from his fucking GCSE field trip where he's too busy vigorously writing up his notes on rock formations and soil densities. And, let's face it, that is not what I'm about. So, I'm there listening to all this, trying to distract myself with the slippery orb action on the screen behind him.

[00:08:42] So, he says, you're not going to believe this. He says, what's your favourite geological formation? I shit ye nut. I looked at him and, because I did fancy him a bit, I mean, who wouldn't want to shack up with Ray Mears halfway up a snowy peak? He also had nice arms, to be fair. And, somehow, somewhere from her brain, your girl plucked out this gem. This is word for word, mine. Oh, now I'm partial to a cut bank, mate.

[00:09:11] Unreal behaviour! Deep inside, I dug out a key stage three geography project and suddenly we were going gangbusters. He could not have been wetter for me. So, took him out. Turns out he's not for me. A bit too family-focused, if you catch me drift. Longshore drift. Oh, I am fucking wasted on you! Anyway, let me know how you're getting on. It's been ages. Are you still with Killjoy? If not, thank fuck. Find someone better.

[00:09:41] Won't take long. If you are, send her my best. I've always loved her for you. Mwah! Hey, Richard. I've had a wine. Yes, I have. I'm with a mate. And we are burning Harrison's face! Not literally. God, no, no. I've used the print at work to photocopy some effigies of his profile picture. And Safi has got... Say, hey, Safi. Safi, say hi. I'm Safi!

[00:10:09] We are doing some therapy. It's really helping. And I thought you'd like to know, because I'm in this much healthier space now. Which is in part thanks to you. So, thank you again. Hello! Oh, Steph, how lovely it is to hear from you again. I feel like I'm a kind of ersatz therapist at this point. So, yes, I mean, I think you're making real progress here. You're really nice. Do you want to meet up? That's insane. I can't do that.

[00:10:39] Safi, Safi, how do you cancel the voice note thingy? Safi, no, hang on. Don't... Richard, I'm going to need you to please ignore that last message. I think I saw two blue ticks before I managed to delete it. So, as you can see, I'm now defaulting to my normal state of humiliation in our interactions. Please pretend that you didn't hear any of that. Thank you. Steph, don't worry. I've already deleted your message and wiped my memory.

[00:11:08] Which is a real shame, because Safi sounds very fun. Good luck with the processing. And may we never speak again. Of course there was no money on the joint account. Thanks for that. You know, it is really hard being your girlfriend sometimes. I'll be home in ten. You know what, Steph? Feel free to message any time.

[00:11:43] Voice Notes on My Phone was written and performed by Richard Soames. Featuring Jodie Irving, Sally Hodgkiss, Lydia King, Alice Etches, Emily Lloyd-Saney and Omar Ibrahim. Music was composed by Ben Lloyd-Evans. And the producer was Alex Lynch. This has been a Hot Seat production. For more voice notes on my phone, go to richardsomes.com.

[00:12:10] Oh, that's what I was messaging you about. Doctor says I've got ADHD. Who knew? This podcast is part of Podomity, the UK's podcast comedy network. Why not laugh at what else we've got? Visit podomity.com. And the future is part of Podomity, the UK's podcast comedy network. We'll be right back. We'll be right back. We'll be right back. Bye.