Episode 3: Surprise

[00:00:02] Hey guys, I've added Dad to this family chat group to help coordinate Mum's birthday today. Dad, remember you need to make sure Mum is in the pub at 1.30. Mike, you and Bridge need to meet me there at 11 to set up. Please everyone bring the requisite quiches slash desserts as designated in my previous message. Okay, over and I'm finished talking now.

[00:00:29] Uh, Rich, I love you but this is a terrible idea. Cannot wait to see how badly this goes. Rich, I've added Mum to the group. Okay, bye. Jesus Christ, Dad, no, do not add Mum. The group is literally called Mum's Secret Birthday. Oh my God. Why would you send him a voice note to tell him that? I'm just gonna call him now. Shit, I can't get through.

[00:00:58] Bridge, can you stop trying to call him? I'm trying to call him. Oh my God, I literally talked him through this last week. It's unbelievable. Have you got through to him? Look, I'm just gonna call him again. I'm calling him now. Oh God, it's gone to a voicemail. He's probably turned his phone off. Why does he always do this? Yeah, I'm loving every second of this. Okay, look, I'm just gonna delete him from the group.

[00:01:25] Why am I not an admin? You've made Dad an admin? But not me. This is a nightmare. Oh God, where are the three dots? Can one of you just tell me where the three dots are? Please. I know where the three dots are, but I'm not an admin. Okay, okay, I found it. I've done it. I've deleted him. Yeah, I think we're in the clear. Sorry, am I supposed to be on here? Surprise, Mum.

[00:02:16] Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. Bradley Cooper was in Silver Linings Playbook with Robert De Niro, who is in Joker with Jacqueline Joaquin Phoenix with Mr. Phoenix. Mr. Phoenix was in Gladiator with Russell Crowe, who is in The Nice Guys with Ryan Gosling, who was in Barbie, you're welcome patriarchy, with Margot Robbie. Margot Robbie was in Suicide Squad with, you guessed it, it's your man, the one and only Sir Idris Elba.

[00:02:45] Nailed it. Thank you very much. Thank you. You can't see me right now, but I am bowing. Yeah, I mean, or Bradley Cooper was in Infinity War with Idris Elba. Thank you. Okay, wow. I know you said you were into movies. I didn't realise you were also into being a huge bellend. Seriously, you are terrible at wooing. How is your family thing going now? You know, now that it's been completely ruined.

[00:03:11] Yeah, I'm just at the venue getting the final bits together, waiting for my incompetent siblings to arrive and workshopping words to shout other than surprise. Would it be weird if we all jumped out and shouted, you were expecting this? I mean, I think if an entire room of people who you were expecting to say surprise said, you were expecting this instead, that would be quite surprising. But yeah, I feel like surprise maybe is just not a thing to aim for anymore.

[00:03:40] What about, you call me crazy, try just not shouting anything at your mum and focusing on having a nice time? Yeah, no, that's not how my family works. That will not fly. Honestly, Steph, I don't know why I put so much effort in. It all just seems to blow up in my face. I just want to do something nice for mum, but at this point I just kind of want a good reason to leave. Sorry, this is not fun wooing material.

[00:04:05] It's OK. Any and all wooing material is welcome. That sounds like, yeah, a lot. But what I could do is I could try and distract you because it's your turn anyway. Yeah, OK, here goes. Judy Dench, legend. And Gwyneth Paltrow. Both in Shakespeare in Love. Are you even trying? Thank you. You are the worst.

[00:04:34] Hi, Richard. Hope you're super well. I'm wondering if you can help me with a little dilemma. I'm just negotiating my return to work after Freddie. Oh, thank you so much for the comforter, by the way. He loves it, despite the garish colours. What were you thinking? Anyway, according to Tiffany, there's this promotion at work, right? It sounds great, I know. And, you know, it is more money.

[00:05:02] And I would have to choose my own hours. And I'd be working from home. If I wanted to. So, yeah, loads to consider. Let me know what you think, lovely. Thank you so much. Hey, Jaz. Sorry, I kind of got quite a lot on at the moment, just trying to sort out my mum's non-surprise 70th birthday. But my brother forgot the quiche. So we're about to jump in a car and find a supermarket that's open on a Sunday.

[00:05:31] Sorry, did you say you get more money and more flexibility? I feel like I must have misheard you. Oh, that sounds so novel. All my surprise parties have been actual boring, expensive surprises. No hum. Anyway, sorry. Not sure I'm being clear re-promotion. So, on the one hand, I would get a significant increase in salary and more benefits, obviously, like private healthcare, better pension, free gym and spa membership, company car, company house, etc.

[00:06:00] But on the other hand, the hours that I work, I would have to decide myself and whether I did it from home or not. Also, I'd have to travel to the Caribbean every few months. Oh, okay. Sorry. Sorry, no. I have to go. Just stay here. I'm not ignoring you. Sorry. What would you have to do in the Caribbean, exactly?

[00:06:28] Oh, it's like these boozy dinners and playing golf with minor royalty and celebrities. Probably like a mandatory beach day during office hours. And I have to stay in a hotel while I'm there. Okay. And is the hotel like a bad hotel? I don't think so. Why? Is that what you've heard? Oh, shit. The reviews all said it was five stars. That is typical, isn't it? But I'd say maybe go for it, Jazz.

[00:06:54] It sort of sounds like an unbelievably good opportunity with no drawbacks. Good point. It doesn't have enough drawbacks. I knew you'd have some insight, Richard. Richard, Dad wanted me to tell you we were on our way to nowhere. But when we get to this not a place place, we may be 15 or so minutes early. Not that anyone will be there.

[00:07:24] Hope that's okay. Looking forward to seeing you later. Not seeing you later, I mean. Rich, I honestly can't believe you've left me here with your sister. I am booking an Uber home. This is not how you treat me. Oh my god, Jane, please. I am just trying to make Mum's Day special, yeah? You were the one who said you didn't want to come and help get the quiche. Yeah, because I didn't want to get in your brother's death trap of a car.

[00:07:55] Can you please just hang on until I get back? We won't be long, I promise. Bridge, we're just on our way back in the car. He has a name. I'm not calling it... Fine, we're back in Captain Beautiful. Thank you. Cheese and onion tart in hand. How are things at base camp? They are all good here. Jane and I have managed to make a sort of balloon mass.

[00:08:23] I was aiming for an arch, but it's more of a floor mound. It actually looks quite good. I mean, I think it is. It is good, right, Jane? She's gone outside. There's a lot more black ones than I was expecting, but it's still balloons, so it's still a party. Whoop, whoop. I just high-fived the air. Sorry, did you say black? Oh my god. Have you bought funeral balloons? Yeah, yeah, they sound a bit like funeral balloons. Brilliant. Brilliant.

[00:08:50] There is no such thing as funeral balloons, is there? I mean, there were a lot of black ones in the pack, but some grey ones too. I thought the man on the front was sleeping. Yeah, Rich, does this chop sell balloons? Turning around. Oh, great. In which case, could you also grab another pavlova? Huey kind of stepped in it. Why was it on the floor? Keep it together, Bridge. Mum arriving in 45 minutes, okay? Mm-mm.

[00:09:21] Okay, okay. Forrest Whitaker and Benicio Del Toro. Steph, my brother's car has a puncture, and we are stuck on the side of an A-road. He's currently on the phone to the breakdown people. Help? Oh god, why do we put ourselves through this for loved ones? Why don't we just sit them down, look them in the eyes and say, I rate you in my life. You're like 83% in value. It's huge value. I'm a big fan.

[00:09:51] That's what you want to say to your mum on her 70th birthday. Okay. I mean, that's kind of amazing. And also, a bit sociopathic. For what it's worth, I think what you're trying to do for your mum today is really nice and very fun and caring. And one day, I could probably see myself putting you in the high 90s percentage-wise. And also, I'm quietly delighted because I think I've stumped you on the film stars. They're both in where the world things are.

[00:10:20] Oh, fuck you. So annoying. Rich, where are you? Mum just got here. She's half an hour early. Looks like the surprise was on us the whole time. Now get here. Mike was in charge of cutlery and all I can find is spoons. Hundreds of spoons. Hi, Richard. Jazz again. Just heard back from Tiff. Apparently, I've got it if I want it,

[00:10:48] but now they want to give me a bonus? I've just got to let them know whenever I can. Oh, thanks for that, Tiffany. Shall I go for it? Jazz, I am currently sat in a broken car on the side of the A420 next to a bag full of fruit rotting into what used to be meringue and a quiche slowly melting under the burning sun. All while missing my mum's party,

[00:11:17] which I already ruined by a group message three hours ago. So, I may not be the best person to ask for advice right now. O-M-G. Why is life so hard on us at the moment? Wish me luck. Might open a bottle of something to focus my mind. Little update for you, Steph. We are still broken down

[00:11:46] in the middle of nowhere. My brother is currently throwing pine cones at his car and my mum, on her 70th birthday, is coming to pick us up. I don't know if it is the sudden liberation of being completely fucked talking here, but how would you feel about doing this whole

[00:12:15] leaving voice notes for each other thing, but like in a real place and without time happening in between, like a conversation between two people? I guess I'm saying, can I ask you out for a date, maybe? Well, sorry, no, I'm not asking you for permission. I'm just straight up asking you out. Yeah. Let me know.

[00:12:46] Oh, I've got to go. Sorry. My mum is here to get me. I'm 38. Voice Notes on My Phone was written and performed by Richard Soames, featuring Jodie Irvine, Lydia King, Bryony Redman, Matt Heighton, Emily Lloyd-Saini, Rob Soames, and Linda Soames.

[00:13:14] Music was composed by Ben Lloyd-Evans, and the producer was Alex Lynch. This has been a Hot Seat production. For more voice notes on my phone, go to richardsomes.com. Rich, I'm going to stay at my sister's tonight. I just, I can't deal with you sometimes. I won't be home when you get back,

[00:13:42] so yeah, surprise. This podcast is part of Podomity, the UK's podcast comedy network. Why not laugh at what else we've got? Visit podomity.com.