Episode 4: Chalamet

[00:00:02] Sorry to interrupt the quality gif work in the lad chat, but Mum just rang to say Michael Dunford from school runs his own gym now? I can't get my head round it. Little Mickey Twig Arms. Unbelievable. Are we talking about the same Michael Quentin Dunford? Nah, I could snap him like a pencil, boys. Dunners? No way, chaps! I was convinced he had, like, something wrong with him, like a Victorian condition or something.

[00:00:28] You know, he always had the look of a TB victim, right? But I just Googled him and he is hench now! Fair play rodent boy. Lads, he's fucking married too. To an absolute vixen and all. Can't blame him when he's got arms sturdier than an English oak. Oh, have you seen his teeth? Beautiful veneers. He must have had those done professionally. And his kind eyes. Oh, I could fall into those hazelnut pools.

[00:00:54] Imagine hugging him now. I feel like I used to be able to see his skeleton forcing its way through his skin. Now be like a hug with a butch grandad. Soft, strong, smelling of mints. Oh, take me now, Mikey H! Rich, are you gonna weigh in here? Hmm? Oh, guys, I've still got his number from Chess Club. I can reach out if you want. That's too far, Rich. Yeah, what's wrong with you? Terrible idea.

[00:01:30] Voice notes on my phone. Episode 4. Chalamet. Richard, I just saw Timothy Chalamet getting off of a train. Seriously, not a drill. I was literally standing there on the platform. On my way into the office, a William flipping Wonka walks right past me.

[00:01:59] I sort of couldn't believe it, so I froze. And I just watched him walk up the escalator. I've missed my train. Completely forgot to get on it. Suddenly, right, I'm beeliling for the escalators. I've gunned it after him. I'm now about 50 steps behind him at Camden High Street. So, do I follow him? Or do I cease and desist? It's my first time back in town in a while. I've kind of forgotten how to be a human man. Please help.

[00:02:26] Morning, Rich. Just wanted to say thank you for last night. I know it's been less than 12 hours, but, you know, my views on the post-date weight etiquette. And, I mean, let's face it, we are beyond that at this point, ever since you guilted me into talking to you after the whole wrong number thing. Yeah, how are you feeling this morning? Yeah. And I'm asking that because I'm genuinely curious. I have never seen a man consume pasta and bread with such a level of gay abandon in my life.

[00:02:55] I honestly didn't know it was possible for such hearty solids to sit on top of each other. Impressive, actually. Bravo. It's called carb loading, Steph. If I was running a marathon, it would be totally normal. Also, not shaming you or anything, but you did eat two desserts. So I would hold off on the judgment, if ye please. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hang on, hang on. Let's get one thing very clear. Cheese is not a dessert, mate. All right. It is a whole separate course and it deserves to be treated as such.

[00:03:25] How dare you? Anyway, yeah, it was really nice hanging out in the real world. Yeah, it felt weirdly comfortable for what was technically a first date. Same. Yeah. Maybe more people should do this weird meeting via wrong number thing before they go on a first date. Maybe we've started a thing. Hopefully we can do it on a second date at some point. Yes, let's make it a thing.

[00:03:54] Maybe we can write into one of them weird magazine columns and then it'll go viral and it'll be really wholesome. Yeah. Do you want to do something on Friday or another day? But also Friday would be convenient for me. Friday works, yeah. How do you feel about indoor mini golf? Indoor mini golf. Well, I hate both golf and neon.

[00:04:21] So indoor mini golf sounds perfect. Count me the hell in. Brilliant. I thought you'd hate it. Hey, Richard. Can you remember to get your suit dry cleaned before Friday, please? I'm coming back from my sister's tonight. But I will be late. Ian's got me working on the Lugan project. I'll see if you're still up. It'll be around 11. Yeah. Okay. Bye.

[00:04:55] Oh, remind me, Jane. What is Friday? Just there's nothing in the calendar. Oh, for fuck's sake. I've told you like a thousand times. It's Ian's engagement drinks. Right. Of course. Yeah. I just, I may have double booked myself. Do you think Ian, he's that guy from work, right? Do you think he'd mind if I'm not there?

[00:05:25] So, you expect me to go to a black tie event in a ballroom on my own. Can you, can you please, please make just the tiniest amount of effort and just cancel Trish? Like, I assume it's Trish. It's always fucking Trish. Uh, sure. Uh, yeah. Uh, absolutely. Um, yeah, I'll try.

[00:05:54] Um, no, you won't try. I mean, unless she's about to move to Canada or someone just died. Cancel her. And I will see you on Friday at Somerset House. Hey, Trish. Uh, if anyone asks, can you say I'm meeting you on Friday? Um, and also maybe El Presidente is currently fighting for his life? Thanks.

[00:06:23] Sorry, why the fuck are you exploiting my beautiful tabby cat? He's a pure soul and more than 12 of you. Explain yourself. Okay. You didn't reply immediately. So I've assumed I have your blessing to follow Timothy Chalamet. You're complicit now. That's how the courts are going to see it. TBH probably wouldn't have listened to what you had to say anyway. Okay. I've kailed him into a NatWest. Wild that he banks at NatWest.

[00:06:52] It must be his UK account. Can't believe it. It's Timothy Chalamet. Timothy Chalamet. Hood up. Shades on. Grabbing some old school cash from a hole in the wall. Okay, I've got to go. He's on the move. Oh my God, Richard. Last night I had the most stressful party of my life. And I must vent. As ever, you are my go-to ventie.

[00:07:21] So, you remember Julie. Well, her bridesmaid's ex-girlfriend knows someone who works on those boat party places. You know the deal. Come get smashed on expensive, terrible wine. But actually, it's amazing. Because look, the Thames is right there. Come see and smell the brown closer than ever before. You know, that sort of vibe. And I'm not going to turn down the chance to drink in international waters. So, we get there, right? And I'm at this party. And we've all set sail.

[00:07:50] And I head into the, actually, now I realise it, only room. And immediately, the music is too loud. Now, that never used to be an issue. And I'm not saying that it was too loud. But I could feel my actual brain shaking against the inside of my skull. And I realise, oh God, I'm at sea in a floating prison being pounded by a wall of sound. So, I try to tell Darren. Oh yeah, we're back together. I'll explain later.

[00:08:19] I tell him this is too loud. But he can't hear me. So, I run it down on my phone to show him. And that's when Julie's ex slides over. She's probably been waiting for her chance since we arrived. Fucking vulture. And she grabs my phone and reads, This sucks. Home. And now, she's saying words at me. Properly shouting at me. But of course, I can't fucking hear her. So, I'm trying to guess how I'm being told off. Waiting for a break in her diatribe to say,

[00:08:48] I know, or yeah, or soz. I'm desperately trying to read her lips. But they're moving so fast, it's impossible. And there's like this small crowd. I don't know. What's the collective term for a group of angry queers? Is a shade? And I'm stood there. Because I can't run. I'm in the middle of the fucking Thames estuary. So, I'm trying to look remorseful. But also frowning. Because I'm trying to concentrate on their lips. And then Julie says something that looks like friends.

[00:09:17] So, I just say, absolutely. Now, no one's talking. It's all eyes on me. Even Darren's looking at me like I pissed all over our new sofa. Oh, yeah, we moved in. We really need to catch up. That's on you. I'm not the one that moved out. Anyway, TLDR. She apparently said, maybe we're not friends then. So, that's not great. And I'm going for a hearing test next week. Oh, God.

[00:09:47] Getting old is the worst. Obviously sad to hear this, Aaron. But are you sure the Thames is international waters? I cannot believe that that is your takeaway from the worst night of my life. Jesus Christ. Okay. He stopped at a cafe Nero. He's ordered a latte, which is weird because I always had him down as a frappuccino kind of guy.

[00:10:18] Sorry for the heavy breathing. He absolutely sold me a dummy. It looked like he was going to eat in. So, I've gone and put my coat over his seat in the corner. Got my order in. Feels like an age for them to call my name. Fake name, obviously. But I did panic. And I said my name was Timothy. I don't think he clocked it. But then, as I'm waiting, right? He asked for a tape-away cup. And then he transfers his beverage. And out the door he goes.

[00:10:49] So, where's his cookie? He must have wolfed it down in one, the greedy hag. Not a crumb on the plate. Timothy. Anyway, right? He's up by the lock. Up the pace. And reckons he can lose me, does he? Okay. What he doesn't know is I could have been. A county-standard cross-country runner. If I'd done the training that my dad said I should have. I'm pursuing you, Wonka Boy. This ends on my terms.

[00:11:20] Hey, Steph. Slightly effed up my days. Sorry. Can't do Friday now. I've triple-checked my calendar this time, though. And I can definitely do next Wednesday. Is that good for you? It should be quieter for Minigolf, too. So, yeah. Let me know. Cheers. Oh, my God. Okay. Okay. Oh, my God. He's stopped in a park. He's texting somebody.

[00:11:50] Probably Florence Pugh or someone. Oh, this is going to get good, isn't it? I'm probably on the cusp of some massive exclusive. What if I get the photo, right? And he comes over like, hey, can you delete that? And I'm like, yeah, but only if we can be best friends. And he goes, yeah, sure. And now I'm flipping best friends with Chalamet. Living the LA life that I've always deserved. And it starts with this photo. Shit. Oh, shit. Sorry, Steph.

[00:12:19] Just checking you got that last message. Well, I can see that you have. I'm really sorry. I feel awful. Hello, Rich. Don't worry. Chill. It's all good, mother. Oh, God. I hate that. I hate myself. Yeah, it really is fine. It's quiz night at our local anyway, so I'm just going to do that. And I'm going to make you feel awful about it in the meantime because you owe me. Oh, I don't know if I like this side of me. Maybe I do, actually. I'm not sure. I feel very powerful.

[00:12:48] Maybe this is who I am. Maybe I owe you for this personality revelation. No. Let's not get ahead of ourselves. You are still very much in the doghouse and I'm still very much planning on lording it over you. Thank you very much. I win. That's great. That's so great, really. Thank you. We will go mini-golfing, I promise.

[00:13:14] Jane, just to say all good for Friday, I've moved things around with Trish and El Presidente is fine, it turns out. But, so yeah. Did I say he was ill? Anyway, he's fine now. So yeah, looking forward to a night out with you. I think it'll be good for us. Yeah.

[00:13:41] Voice Notes on My Phone was written and performed by Richard Soames, featuring Jodie Irvine, Sally Hodgkiss, Lydia King, Will Hartley, Steve McNeil, John Henry Fall, Paul Foxcroft and Omar Ibrahim. Music was composed by Ben Lloyd Evans and the producer was Alex Lynch. This has been a Hot Seat Production. For more voice notes on my phone, go to richardsomes.com.

[00:14:14] Okay, update. That was not Timothy Chalamet. I was just a young, thin man with a wispy bone structure. I really thought I had something there. Christ. Oh God, I'm so late for work at this point. God, what time is it? It's midday! I might just go home. This podcast is part of Podomity, the UK's podcast comedy network.

[00:14:45] Why not laugh at what else we've got? Visit Podomity.com.