Chapter Five: Brian Rides Tim

[00:00:00] Welcome back and well done for making it a chapter 5, the sixth chapter of The Adventures of Brian Hovis So far you have journeyed with me bravely across land and sea to New York, the Midd Atlantic,

[00:00:18] high altitude Escapades above Africa and to a hotel named after part of the Lower intestine And yet you have not experienced the most perilous and life-threatening part of this first adventure External Middesa, The Open Desert

[00:00:38] One would expect the desert to be a place of difficulty, of soul searching between the animal of the endless sands and hammer of the sun. After several hours of riding Tim, my camel

[00:00:52] You would expect me to be losing my mind and yet so far I find it easy as a picnic in the park Hey Tim! What do you think of my shoe hat?

[00:01:04] The kind lady's map, what do you think Tim? Will this map lead us to the last pebble of Alhazul? Will I find it improved to one and all that I'm a man worthy of respect?

[00:01:16] Gosh he's nothing Tim, but I know what you're thinking. Yes it will, and not only that, Brian, you are cashier than to an art dealer who will give you lots of money towards the ransom fund for your horrible

[00:01:28] mother. Hopefully simple, ma'am. Town here, pebble here. Straight line to extra 2. Check, check and check. Yes I believe we're on track. Rha! Why don't I make up a song to pass the time, eh? I'll like him, bri! This life can be on the back of

[00:01:49] camel on the sandy sea. This is the life. Oh the map! Oh, Baga! Tim! Can we stop a minute? The map's gone! Can we stop? Tim! You haven't changed pace at all, Tim. Not one bit! That's worry. I remember it. It's continued straight.

[00:02:10] What's that up ahead Tim? Looks like rain. Oh gosh, rain will be lovely. No! Locusts! Honey, eh! It takes a surprisingly life paprika. One of the chances Tim, a break of locusts, was a low-key, locusts. What's this up ahead now?

[00:02:55] Is it noise? Is this? The outlook's positively wavy. Oh god it's a sad storm. A very abrasive on the skin. But must have been while a locusts were fleeing. Look we're actually at a ridge now, Tim. A ridge that becomes a lovely path, winding downwards like a

[00:03:29] helter-scelter. What's that hanging from the tree branch? It's a fruit. Some kind of refreshing desert pear, Tim. Oh I'll just pick it off as we pass under them. Here we go!

[00:03:44] Oh! It's a Tim! That bag! Yeah, my big attack by wasps and I thought it would be up back. How big Tim is this? Well, quite a right timing quick, Sam. Tim, I'm at the edge of the ridge.

[00:04:04] My throat is full of sand, my ears crawling with locusts, I am mixed up by wasps and I'm up to my father, I'm in quicksand to come back. Singing under, Ed going Tim.

[00:04:20] The come to a world so few of experience and survived. The underground world of the quicksand chamber as far as I have researched and who is to say I haven't. It's shrink as a lot like a large

[00:04:38] bath. Certainly the deeper you go the more your panic, but as we're said, bath, there is a firm floor to rest your bottom. Once my bottom had reached the bottom, I suddenly knew what I had to do.

[00:04:50] I would begin to slowly crap for what's using alternative buttocks to propel myself alone. My arms above my head. Slipping, waving through the viscous fluid, I would look on radar, perhaps. Like an orangutan trying to get off on wiping his ass on a shack-pile carpet. Undignified

[00:05:10] perhaps, but dignity is the first thing to chuck out the window when your lungs are screaming for air. In the matter of vertical death, I choose buttock. The effort is unbearable, butbuttic by aching

[00:05:23] buttic. I haul myself towards the shadow head. The feeling is orgasmic. This first my arms then my forehead and finally my whole torso exit the disgusting my air to be exposed once more to the sweet desert air. And the stinging wasp. I'm under quicksand but cannot see.

[00:05:50] Bugometer damnation and discard my atheist tendencies. I'm back on Tim. Hello Tim, I want you back again. You see what happened was that you just walked down a winding ridge and just the right amount of time

[00:06:05] to allow me to go through some rather disturbing, then stumble off the ridge onto your cleverly-type back. All this while I've been starting to think that you are perhaps on the stubborn and selfish side.

[00:06:18] When actually you have things entirely under control and we're back on track for the pebble. Asa! Goodness, what a sense of happiness and relief. Quick sand is much cooler than I imagined. Really offset the wasp stings. I feel I may pass out and move.

[00:06:36] And while I had a well-earned snooze on Tim's stubbornly trustworthy back, a few miles away aunt Esther was screeching across the desert in her cheap, kicking up dust at high speed. That's next time. And believe me we haven't finished on the camera.

[00:06:55] Oh no! My travel has only just begun. There is a great deal of drama to come in the story. This chapter feels short. Are you thinking I should tell you the rest now?

[00:07:06] Cough, I'm exhausted. I dare you. Do I come to your work and tell you to work harder? No, King don't. Come back for chapter 6 and I might forgive you. Today's chapter was written by how livens and nostalgoma with phenomenal oral sensitivities and abilities from me in calling them.

[00:07:26] The engine of this machine is LoFat Radio. On a mission to make better radio. If you would like to contribute to Mother's Ransom Fund and keep this podcast going for more chapters, just visit LoFatRadio.com. That's LoFatRadio.com. Whilst you're there,

[00:07:41] you may simply donate or if you would like something further in return why not check out my ever-growing adventure guides. For example, Brian's Top 10 Plant to be avoided at all costs.