Night of the Ninja 2

[00:00:00] Winner of Best Sports Podcast at the Independent Podcast Awards 2024. Wrestling With the Champ.

[00:00:34] But only at the Telecom.

[00:01:17] Months nine through our own solid oak dining table for a good cause.

[00:01:20] Ironically, it were for a spinal cord injury charity.

[00:01:24] Don't you want to know what I'm watching?

[00:01:27] Mate, I couldn't give a flying forearm.

[00:01:28] A man in his pants and socks, brushing snack dust from his beard.

[00:01:37] Listen pal, if you want a signed photo, just ring me doorbell.

[00:01:43] Well, come on.

[00:01:47] Little pig, little pig.

[00:01:50] No, I won't let you in.

[00:01:52] Not by the air in me, hairy big balls.

[00:02:01] Demo.

[00:02:02] Oh, thank God.

[00:02:04] Hey, how did you get in?

[00:02:05] I let myself in the back door.

[00:02:07] I hope you locked it.

[00:02:08] There's a killer out there.

[00:02:09] No, it's...

[00:02:11] Here, Jane Smoker, I've got fresh meat.

[00:02:13] No.

[00:02:14] Don't open it.

[00:02:15] It's Danny.

[00:02:16] Danny?

[00:02:17] Danny.

[00:02:18] Only me.

[00:02:18] What are you doing here?

[00:02:19] It's the 31st of October.

[00:02:21] Halloween.

[00:02:22] And I knew you'd be watching Hogan vs. Warrior 98.

[00:02:25] See?

[00:02:26] Fucked up that fireball.

[00:02:27] Which means you would have missed the news.

[00:02:29] You mean that non-stop feed of fake information that spreads fear and panic 24-7?

[00:02:34] Why would I watch that?

[00:02:35] They found another body.

[00:02:38] Behind me, inside Olive's newsagents, is where the remains of Sean Star Martini were discovered.

[00:02:44] Now the second former wrestler to have been murdered in as many days.

[00:02:48] It's thought the killer is still at large, but may have left this note at the scene of the crime.

[00:02:52] Nigel is next.

[00:02:54] There's no such thing as bear wrestling with the chair.

[00:03:58] I know precisely what to do.

[00:04:00] Got any beer?

[00:04:02] Oh, son.

[00:04:03] I'm the Pub Wrestling Federation champion.

[00:04:06] I've got a main line from the brewery right to me house.

[00:04:11] Ginger ale.

[00:04:12] Ah.

[00:04:15] Demo.

[00:04:15] Who is this genius?

[00:04:17] It's Danny.

[00:04:18] It's my new PA.

[00:04:19] Why does my PA need a PA?

[00:04:22] I'm your manager.

[00:04:23] I'm his executive assistant.

[00:04:25] Mint Imperial.

[00:04:26] You are on fire.

[00:04:28] Each one of these is worth two and a half in metric.

[00:04:31] Mind if I take a few more?

[00:04:33] Knock yourself out.

[00:04:34] The pack of punch, mind.

[00:04:35] So do I.

[00:04:36] Yeah, but nobody's sucked on your...

[00:04:41] Listen.

[00:04:42] If the so-called cross-face killer knows anything about you, he'll know where you live, where

[00:04:48] you hang out...

[00:04:48] Where I work out, pick up all the chicks...

[00:04:51] We've got to take you somewhere nobody would ever expect.

[00:04:55] My uncle runs a five-star hotel.

[00:04:57] All right.

[00:04:58] Let's ride.

[00:05:07] Hello, sir.

[00:05:09] And welcome to Boardwalk Hall.

[00:05:11] Ha ha ha.

[00:05:12] Mint metric?

[00:05:14] No, thank you, sir.

[00:05:15] They are a diuretic.

[00:05:17] Is this place open?

[00:05:19] Or in probate?

[00:05:21] Our modernization program starts on Friday the 13th.

[00:05:26] Makes sense.

[00:05:27] One room, one occupant, one night.

[00:05:33] The name?

[00:05:34] Puff Daddy.

[00:05:36] I'm trying to keep out of the news.

[00:05:38] Very good, sir.

[00:05:40] Breakfast, sir?

[00:05:41] Oh, it's a bit late, so I'll just have three sausage baps and a bottle of red.

[00:05:46] Make it aines and send it up with the luggage.

[00:05:48] Have you got locks on your doors?

[00:05:50] Unfortunately, sir, locks are extra.

[00:05:53] I'll take all of them.

[00:06:02] Ha ha.

[00:06:03] Try and get through that, you big weirdo.

[00:06:05] Ha ha.

[00:06:07] Ha ha.

[00:06:07] Red Rooster.

[00:06:08] This is Bluebird.

[00:06:09] Are you in?

[00:06:10] Over.

[00:06:12] Bluebird.

[00:06:12] This is Red Rooster.

[00:06:14] Positive on that.

[00:06:16] Wow.

[00:06:16] It's hot in here.

[00:06:17] Like a pet shop for a doctor's waiting room or the armpit of a taxi driver.

[00:06:23] Smells like one, too.

[00:06:26] Oh, wait.

[00:06:27] That's just me.

[00:06:28] I'm going for a bath.

[00:06:29] All right.

[00:06:29] Me and Danny are staking out the joint from the car.

[00:06:33] Be safe.

[00:06:34] To the bathmobile.

[00:06:56] Danny.

[00:06:56] Uh-huh.

[00:06:57] You've been on the job for a week now.

[00:06:59] Uh-huh.

[00:07:00] Are you ready for the test?

[00:07:02] Okay.

[00:07:04] Mint Imperial.

[00:07:05] Sure.

[00:07:05] Thanks.

[00:07:07] Now, how do I like my coffee?

[00:07:09] Black.

[00:07:10] How do I like my sandwiches?

[00:07:12] Meaty.

[00:07:13] Who is my favourite wrestler?

[00:07:15] Pork chop cash, but you tell everyone it's Owen Hart.

[00:07:18] Bluebird.

[00:07:19] Bluebird.

[00:07:20] This is Red Rooster.

[00:07:22] The eagle has left the nest.

[00:07:25] Over.

[00:07:26] Red Rooster.

[00:07:27] Red Rooster.

[00:07:28] What does that mean?

[00:07:29] Over.

[00:07:30] And why are you American?

[00:07:33] Breaker, breaker.

[00:07:34] We have ourselves a situation here.

[00:07:35] The bastard is al dente.

[00:07:38] Over.

[00:07:39] I mean, do you even understand?

[00:07:42] No.

[00:07:43] Speak English.

[00:07:45] Over.

[00:07:46] I did a poop.

[00:07:48] Over.

[00:07:49] Over what?

[00:07:50] Over.

[00:07:51] I can see his ass.

[00:07:52] Huh?

[00:07:53] Oh.

[00:07:53] We can see your ass.

[00:07:55] Now close those curtains.

[00:07:56] Over.

[00:07:57] Is it a full moon?

[00:07:59] No.

[00:08:00] Red Rooster, draw your drapes.

[00:08:02] Over.

[00:08:07] I think you got shot.

[00:08:09] I'm bleeding.

[00:08:10] Red Rooster.

[00:08:11] Red Rooster.

[00:08:12] Are you alright?

[00:08:16] Red Rooster.

[00:08:17] Red Rooster.

[00:08:18] I think I can still sit down.

[00:08:26] I'm on my way.

[00:08:27] The champ's not safe alone in there.

[00:08:29] I need to get in and help him.

[00:08:31] What should I do?

[00:08:32] You're on work experience.

[00:08:34] You figure it out.

[00:08:35] You said it wasn't work experience.

[00:08:45] That's the bullet out.

[00:08:47] Need to find a bandage.

[00:08:50] Maybe in this drawer.

[00:08:57] Blood stained Bible.

[00:08:58] A crucifix.

[00:09:04] Silver bullet.

[00:09:06] Garlic.

[00:09:09] And a wooden stake.

[00:09:23] Demo.

[00:09:23] Grab my packet of Starbursts from the vending machine, would you?

[00:09:25] Me mouth's drier than the material at a Belgian stand-up comedy night.

[00:09:29] Hello, sir.

[00:09:30] Oh.

[00:09:30] It's you.

[00:09:31] Do you need anything for tonight, sir?

[00:09:34] I could use a minibar.

[00:09:35] Well, if you want spirits, may I suggest visiting room 403?

[00:09:41] It is said that the ghost of Jacob Crackers Marley appears in the mirror when you turn the taps on.

[00:09:48] And what's with the weapons in the drawer?

[00:09:51] Ah.

[00:09:52] They are for the hunt.

[00:09:55] Whoa.

[00:09:56] I've slayed a few foxes in my time.

[00:09:58] But I draw the line at killing animals, pal.

[00:10:01] It seems, sir, that you are the hunted.

[00:10:04] No.

[00:10:05] No.

[00:10:06] Nigel.

[00:10:07] No.

[00:10:12] One name is synonymous with the PWF.

[00:10:16] Gary Shag.

[00:10:17] Gary Shag.

[00:10:18] Gary Shag.

[00:10:20] I'm Gary Shag, and I didn't just run the PWF.

[00:10:23] I transformed it into Britain's most successful amateur professional wrestling organization.

[00:10:30] But his empire crumbled overnight.

[00:10:33] I had to sell the company, the Laundrette, which was a legitimate business enterprise.

[00:10:39] Both Jags?

[00:10:40] He called them his Shag Jags.

[00:10:42] But why?

[00:10:44] His behavior was unacceptable.

[00:10:46] He was an animal, not a cute one.

[00:10:48] He shattered my faith in CEOs.

[00:10:51] What happened to Gary Shag?

[00:10:54] Find out in Gary Shag, Shagumentary.

[00:10:58] Streaming now on Titflix.

[00:11:01] It's bite-sized banter at a canter.

[00:11:10] Yes?

[00:11:11] Wrestling with the champ.

[00:11:12] Take it easy.

[00:11:17] The game is Death Trap.

[00:11:21] Ten floors.

[00:11:22] One hundred doors.

[00:11:25] Ninety-nine ways to die.

[00:11:28] One way out.

[00:11:30] Have you got a lot of free time on your hands?

[00:11:32] Escape before sunrise, or you die.

[00:11:36] Oh, if I do die, eh?

[00:11:38] Then what?

[00:11:39] You got no answer for that, you pussy.

[00:11:42] Not so confident now, eh?

[00:11:43] Do I need to explain it again?

[00:11:46] No!

[00:11:50] I've got to get out of here.

[00:11:52] Bluebird, this is Red Rooster.

[00:11:54] Where in the fabulous Freebird are you?

[00:11:55] I can't get in.

[00:11:56] The front door's locked.

[00:11:58] Find another way in.

[00:12:00] Oh, that's a great idea.

[00:12:01] Why don't I just scoop my brain out

[00:12:03] and let you climb inside

[00:12:04] to do all my thinking for me?

[00:12:07] I remember.

[00:12:08] This place used to be an old pub.

[00:12:10] The Rotten Trout.

[00:12:11] Demo, get round the back.

[00:12:13] There might still be a cellar entrance somewhere.

[00:12:15] What about you?

[00:12:16] I've got ten floors of hell to battle through.

[00:12:19] Pour me a pint.

[00:12:20] I'll be down in a minute.

[00:12:32] I know I'm carrying a few extra pounds,

[00:12:33] but those floorboards must have been rotten.

[00:12:37] Maybe mice chewed through them.

[00:12:38] This dark.

[00:12:42] Darker than a dark match.

[00:12:44] AEW Dark in the Depths of Winter.

[00:12:48] Locked.

[00:12:50] Locked.

[00:12:53] Locked.

[00:12:55] Aha!

[00:12:56] Alright.

[00:12:58] First test.

[00:12:59] Good luck, champ.

[00:13:07] That's a big fat juggernaut.

[00:13:09] Right.

[00:13:11] Some say I'm the fighter who forgot his lighter.

[00:13:14] But not today.

[00:13:16] What the?

[00:13:19] A window.

[00:13:20] If I can just bend the bars a bit.

[00:13:31] It's no use.

[00:13:33] It must be made out of an alien material.

[00:13:36] Help!

[00:13:37] Come and find me in a scary building, he said.

[00:13:56] Go into a creepy cellar, he said.

[00:13:59] Sounds like there might be some people down there.

[00:14:03] Eenie, meenie, miney, moe.

[00:14:05] Are you friend or are you foe?

[00:14:09] Ah, friends.

[00:14:10] Nice.

[00:14:14] Not again.

[00:14:15] I knew I should have sent the work experience, kid.

[00:14:18] Daddy!

[00:14:29] I can't do it.

[00:14:31] Come on, champ.

[00:14:32] Whatever's out there can't be worse than vegetables.

[00:14:35] Red rooster.

[00:14:36] Avoid cellar.

[00:14:37] Zombie horde.

[00:14:39] Repeat.

[00:14:39] Zombie horde.

[00:14:40] Don't come.

[00:14:42] Over.

[00:14:43] What, Devo?

[00:14:44] There are holes in the cellar, so come on over.

[00:14:47] Oh, Roger, more that.

[00:14:49] Right, I'm heading for the fire escape.

[00:14:51] Quicker than you can say.

[00:14:52] Stiffy and a jiffy.

[00:14:53] Hold tight, little buddy.

[00:14:54] There he goes.

[00:14:56] Go, Butcher!

[00:15:02] Jesus!

[00:15:03] Sick, Samuel!

[00:15:04] Whoa!

[00:15:05] Shit!

[00:15:07] Spikes!

[00:15:07] I get the point!

[00:15:10] Okay.

[00:15:11] I'll take ninth floor.

[00:15:27] Eighth floor.

[00:15:30] Come on.

[00:15:31] Like it?

[00:15:36] Oh, not there.

[00:15:38] Oh.

[00:15:42] Rabbit dogs!

[00:15:44] We're like man's best friend!

[00:15:46] Hey! I'm on a roll.

[00:15:54] Seventh floor.

[00:16:14] ...smells as musky as you.

[00:16:17] Oh, well, I uh...

[00:16:19] We want your love seed to make ginger babies.

[00:16:25] Nigel, Nigel.

[00:16:26] I guess I could take a break.

[00:16:32] Don't!

[00:16:32] Go!

[00:16:34] Fight!

[00:16:36] Champ.

[00:16:44] Something weird's going on.

[00:16:46] These zombies, they're not attacking me.

[00:16:49] They might not be real.

[00:16:51] Oh, there you are.

[00:16:53] Mint Imperial.

[00:16:54] What? No, I'm good.

[00:16:55] Ah, go on. I've only got one left.

[00:16:57] Oh, I mean if you don't mind.

[00:16:59] No-ho. Started off with a humongous bag of the ruddy things this morning.

[00:17:03] Some bloke traded the whole lot for a cheese omelet.

[00:17:05] Oh, what are you doing standing here like a lemon puff?

[00:17:09] I'm sorry pal.

[00:17:21] I can't hold out any longer.

[00:17:24] Take me, comely woman.

[00:17:27] Do what you must

[00:17:28] to this fine masculine specimen.

[00:17:32] Just don't kiss me on my mouth.

[00:17:34] Yeah!

[00:17:38] Feels... strange... changing...

[00:17:41] Now...

[00:17:43] Harder...

[00:17:45] Faster...

[00:17:48] Stronger...

[00:17:49] Sexier...

[00:17:57] The Ginger King.

[00:17:59] These did you have?

[00:18:56] Oh, none for me. They're a diuretic.

[00:18:59] Can you see what's in the cellar?

[00:19:01] The cellar?

[00:19:04] Oh! No.

[00:19:06] Large zombie horde down there.

[00:19:08] Flesh-eating brain munchers

[00:19:09] just waiting to gorge on our minds.

[00:19:13] No...

[00:19:13] Just boxes of monster munch.

[00:19:16] Slap me.

[00:19:17] You what? Slap me!

[00:19:19] But I'm still on probation.

[00:19:20] Slap me and you'll be on the payroll.

[00:19:23] With healthcare?

[00:19:23] Well, I'll buy you a pack of plasters.

[00:19:25] Now, slap me!

[00:19:27] Alright...

[00:19:28] Hold still.

[00:19:34] You should get in the ring.

[00:19:35] What about now?

[00:19:37] Not now. We've got bigger fish to fry.

[00:19:39] The zombies, you dingbat!

[00:19:41] Oh! They're... gone.

[00:19:43] There were hundreds of them.

[00:19:45] Wait...

[00:19:46] Those mint imperials.

[00:19:48] What is it?

[00:19:51] Take enough of them and they become a powerful hallucinogen.

[00:19:55] How many did you give the champ?

[00:19:57] Two...

[00:19:58] Maybe three dozen?

[00:20:03] He's a walking cocktail of painkillers, alcohol and recreational drugs at the best of times.

[00:20:10] But now...

[00:20:11] He'll be as high as a kite!

[00:20:12] Who knows what he'll do to himself.

[00:20:16] Leave him alone.

[00:20:18] Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

[00:20:20] Maximum hallucinations should be kicking in...

[00:20:25] Now!

[00:20:27] Danny, get that door open.

[00:20:29] We're going in.

[00:20:38] Ginger King!

[00:20:40] Angry!

[00:20:41] Ginger King!

[00:20:44] Hello!

[00:20:45] Hey champ!

[00:20:46] Over here!

[00:20:47] Come on!

[00:20:48] Punch me with your fists until they bleed!

[00:20:56] Ginger King!

[00:20:58] Bleeding!

[00:21:00] Grab that pole and stab me in the glands.

[00:21:04] Very close to this electric socket.

[00:21:07] Ginger King!

[00:21:09] Hurts.

[00:21:11] Dainbow!

[00:21:12] Ginger King!

[00:21:15] Kill Dainbow!

[00:21:18] Ginger King!

[00:21:19] Oh!

[00:21:19] Oh!

[00:21:19] Oh!

[00:21:20] Oh!

[00:21:20] Oh!

[00:21:21] Oh!

[00:21:22] Oh!

[00:21:56] I've never seen the Pit Sniffer in real life before.

[00:22:01] This is actually quite moving!

[00:22:02] Daddy!

[00:22:03] Oh!

[00:22:03] Sorry!

[00:22:04] What should I do?

[00:22:10] Again!

[00:22:25] Goodbye champ!

[00:22:29] The sun!

[00:22:32] My eyes!

[00:22:33] It's so golden!

[00:22:35] Danny!

[00:22:36] Angle that sunbeam towards the champ's face.

[00:22:39] Shine the light in his eyes!

[00:22:41] What?

[00:22:42] He'll be blind!

[00:22:43] We've got to stop him!

[00:22:47] Bye!

[00:22:59] What have I done?

[00:23:00] I'm having trouble keeping up myself.

[00:23:01] I don't know who you are.

[00:23:03] What you are.

[00:23:04] What you want.

[00:23:05] Or why you think you can play God.

[00:23:08] But leave this ginger man alone.

[00:23:11] Hello?

[00:23:12] Hello?

[00:23:13] He's got a knife!

[00:23:17] Chunk!

[00:23:18] Catch!

[00:23:29] This...

[00:23:31] Is...

[00:23:32] Ah!

[00:23:36] Technically, that's a sport.

[00:23:42] I curse you.

[00:23:47] I curse you with the in-ring.

[00:23:49] Bad timing of Goldberg, Zincara, Kaslav and Giant Gonzalez combined.

[00:24:05] Nope!

[00:24:09] Our trippier than the time I wrestled on mushrooms at VegFest presents The Forbidden Spore.

[00:24:15] Right then.

[00:24:17] Who's behind the mask?

[00:24:23] No!

[00:24:24] Him!

[00:24:25] Presumptive pronoun.

[00:24:26] Gary Shag!

[00:24:28] Now you take it back.

[00:24:28] You two were enemies.

[00:24:30] But this...

[00:24:31] I knew it were him.

[00:24:32] You did not!

[00:24:33] I did.

[00:24:34] He told me that as soon as he turned 60, he'd go on this massive killing spree and murder all his former talent.

[00:24:41] What?

[00:24:42] Why didn't you tell the police?

[00:24:44] I did!

[00:24:45] And?

[00:24:45] And they never replied to me email.

[00:24:47] You don't email the fuzz with something like that.

[00:24:50] Right.

[00:24:50] I sent them a Snapchat too.

[00:24:52] Nothing.

[00:24:52] With death threats, you're cool.

[00:24:55] Oh...

[00:24:55] Is it always like this?

[00:24:57] No.

[00:24:57] Yes.

[00:24:58] Because I'm here for it.

[00:25:00] Stick with us kid.

[00:25:01] You'll go a long way.

[00:25:02] Are you willing to work for Bitcoin?

[00:25:04] You should have been here two years ago.

[00:25:06] Me and him fought off this massive zombie horde in a nightclub.

[00:25:10] The Leeds Lockdown.

[00:25:11] That was you!

[00:25:12] Yeah.

[00:25:14] Well...

[00:25:14] Mostly me.

[00:25:15] That was a bit me.

[00:25:16] Hey, tell him about Sharon.

[00:25:18] Sharon...

[00:25:19] Loved me life.

[00:25:21] Got turned.

[00:25:22] But not in a lesbian way.

[00:25:24] Ha!

[00:25:24] I smashed her head in.

[00:25:26] I keep my hand in a jar!

[00:25:29] Cool!

[00:25:30] What you get up to in your free time is your business.

[00:25:33] You guys are wild!

[00:25:35] What do we have here?

[00:25:55] It's you.

[00:25:56] Isn't it?

[00:25:58] Hmm...

[00:25:58] I thought I smelled failure.

[00:26:01] Look at you, listening to your favourite award-winning wrestling podcast when you're supposed

[00:26:08] to be doing something more productive.

[00:26:11] You disgust me.

[00:26:12] Where were you when the PWF needed you?

[00:26:17] Where were you when the seats were empty?

[00:26:21] Where were you when the t-shirts weren't selling?

[00:26:25] Wrestling fans are a plague.

[00:26:28] A swarm of locusts too busy devouring the sport I love online.

[00:26:32] I manually pumped the heart of the PWF for years.

[00:26:37] I kept it alive.

[00:26:39] Not the wrestlers.

[00:26:41] Not you.

[00:26:42] Who paid the wages?

[00:26:44] Hmm?

[00:26:45] Who kept the lights on?

[00:26:47] Who really deserved the gold?

[00:26:50] If you're hearing this, I am dead.

[00:26:55] But my overly elaborate series of very sneaky traps set for the champ and his crew are still very much...

[00:27:08] Linda, who left that there?

[00:27:10] Sweet Miss Elizabeth.

[00:27:11] Alright.

[00:27:12] Rewind the tape.

[00:27:14] Take two.

[00:27:22] Wrestling with the champ were written and produced by Ant McGinley and Damien St. John.

[00:27:29] This episode also featured the vocal talents of Hannah Edwards, Paul Gannon, Carl Jones and Kieran Sword.

[00:27:39] The champ will be with you always.

[00:27:44] You're welcome.

[00:27:56] This show is part of Podomedy, the podcast comedy network.

[00:28:01] We're the best kept secret on Acast.

[00:28:04] Why not laugh at what else we've got?

[00:28:08] Check out Podomedy.com now.

[00:28:10] And we're going to be talking about Podomedy.com now.