Race to Edinburgh - Part One

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[00:01:28] Individual results may vary. 500 and 34 miles. Two explorers. What the hell is that?

[00:01:42] Does it call me chips? One destination. Edinburgh, we've missed you for the fridge.

[00:01:50] Both men separated apart in a race against time. Time is just a construct, like Lego.

[00:01:58] Whoever gets there first chooses their own prize. An orgy in a ball pit full of derisors.

[00:02:06] This is Race 2 Edinburgh. Let's do this! Where for me, you bellen?

[00:02:18] Day one, London. The Champ and Daymo have been split apart and told to travel alone to Edinburgh,

[00:02:26] where they'll reunite to perform chortle combat in front of a live audience of comedy-hungry

[00:02:30] holiday makers. Which way are you gonna go? Well, I was thinking north. Damn it! That's how

[00:02:38] I were gonna do it too. You know what they say, the only way is up. See, you know directions and

[00:02:44] everything. I've never been good at arrows. The boys must arrive before the 3rd of August

[00:02:51] and each spend no more than 100 pounds. How am I gonna cope without you? You'll be fine,

[00:02:58] you know? Just follow the sound of a thousand comedians moaning about accommodation prices.

[00:03:02] Yeah, I'll see you there and whatever happens, don't eat food off the floor

[00:03:06] or sleep with any more women named Stella.

[00:03:11] 9.23am. Daymo has stopped at a petrol station. Hi, I'm a struggling comedian

[00:03:18] and I really need to live to Edinburgh. What do you mean can I tell you a joke?

[00:03:23] Yeah, I bet Michael McIntyre can say something funny at the drop of a hat but

[00:03:28] well no, I don't have a hat. You want to lend me your hat so I can drop it. Right.

[00:03:36] Meanwhile, the champ has a better idea. Knowing that Daymo, he'll be able to chat with people

[00:03:42] dead easily and get them to give him lifts and stuff but he doesn't have what I have.

[00:03:48] 9.Jugability. You know, it would take all day to walk to Scotland from London

[00:03:57] but I can get there in a matter of hours by quickening the pace.

[00:04:02] And jogging isn't as fast as running so you don't get tired as quickly.

[00:04:14] These roads must be wider than the ones up north.

[00:04:17] 11.52am. I made it to the end of the road but I don't know how. Anyway,

[00:04:28] a cold and ambulance because my arms are sore. I like that time when a power slam

[00:04:33] dand you the chant on a buffet table at a friend's wedding. Why is that bus stop spinning?

[00:04:43] Can anyone else smell burnt doggie?

[00:04:47] 12.20pm. Okay, here goes. Ready?

[00:05:00] Daymo turns his hand to comedy to try and persuade an impatient mother to give him a lift.

[00:05:05] They say that AI will eventually take over all of our jobs.

[00:05:09] Great! And maybe that way I can finally get a date.

[00:05:14] No? Alright, let's try something else.

[00:05:16] I don't know if you know this about me but my wrestling name is Triple H because I'm hard,

[00:05:22] heavy and horny. Oh god, sorry now I didn't see your kids. Don't you dare touch me! Stand back!

[00:05:27] Don't worry, I'm going to get the bus.

[00:05:33] 205pm. So it turns out if you have a mild heart attack you can ride in an ambulance

[00:05:43] and be taken to a hospital as far north as she can go. Have some of that, Daymo.

[00:05:49] Yeah, love. I don't suppose you've got any snacks ducking about in glove box do you?

[00:05:54] I don't mind if they're warm.

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[00:06:35] can't stand salads and still lost 50 pounds. Salads generally for most people are the easy

[00:06:40] button right? For me that wasn't an option. I never really was a salad guy that's just

[00:06:46] not who I am but noom worked for me. Get your personalized plan today at Noom.com

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[00:07:33] Wrestling with the Champ 3.33pm and both men are finally on the move

[00:07:42] so I've managed to get on this bus right and it's going to take me as far as Northampton

[00:07:50] which as it turns out I was never great at geography it has nothing to do with Southampton

[00:07:57] was there ever a Middlehampton? I guess I got two hours to google it and find out

[00:08:02] here we go was there ever a Middlehampton

[00:08:07] Thank you I drive safely we need heroes like you

[00:08:18] now then where am I Northampton oh cobblers I best be careful

[00:08:27] and bars from about 80% of the pubs in this town

[00:08:31] Oh there's a cafe in that bus station time to feed me belly monster

[00:08:42] huh so it turns out Hampton is in southwest London and Hampton is even in the doomsday book

[00:08:48] and today it boasts quite a sizeable TK max which is impressive

[00:08:53] so

[00:09:02] huh chocolate twist or half price it's custom

[00:09:11] The Champ and Deimos meet an old lady on the high street who is the spitting image of former

[00:09:30] EastEnders actress, Anita Dobson.

[00:09:33] Sorry to bother you love but we're too fugitives on the run.

[00:09:40] We're not on the run, we're just two unknown comedians.

[00:09:42] That's worse!

[00:09:44] See the recording of podcasts, look there's people there, say hi, say hi, see normal people.

[00:09:50] But it would be really nice to know if you've got maybe like a spare room that we could share

[00:09:54] for the night.

[00:09:55] We'll pay you back in teabags and bingo cards.

[00:09:57] And rest assured they have very few demands.

[00:10:01] All this era requires is a heated blanket, a six-pack of your finest Polish lager or

[00:10:07] extra strength European equivalent, a bar of soap unused and a fresh toilet roll with the

[00:10:12] first few slices folded into the shape of a neat swan.

[00:10:20] 933.

[00:10:21] Urgh!

[00:10:22] Sorry, must have been that burrito.

[00:10:25] Eh?

[00:10:26] What burrito?

[00:10:27] You know, the toast burrito the old lady sent up.

[00:10:30] No that was a bit of toast wrapped in a tea towel.

[00:10:33] Oh, cut and don't half repeat on you.

[00:10:37] I mean you're one of the most connected men I know.

[00:10:40] Don't, don't you know anyone round here that could give us a lift?

[00:10:43] Maybe like a wrestler?

[00:10:44] There must be someone.

[00:10:45] Th-there is someone?

[00:10:47] Who?

[00:10:48] You won't like it.

[00:10:49] Who?

[00:10:50] She'd give me a lift but she hates your guts.

[00:10:53] Who?

[00:10:54] Viv.

[00:10:56] Viv from Aldi.

[00:10:57] No.

[00:10:58] Oh no.

[00:10:59] Not Viv from Aldi.

[00:11:01] Not again.

[00:11:02] Suit yourself Demos.

[00:11:03] It's a long journey to Scotland.

[00:11:07] What was that?

[00:11:11] It sounded like a long lady.

[00:11:13] Falling down the stairs to her death.

[00:11:15] Just a few feet below our very existence.

[00:11:18] Come on, let's check it out.

[00:11:22] Told you.

[00:11:29] Well then how do we get out here?

[00:11:31] Quick, grab the car keys from a pocket.

[00:11:33] I am not stealing from an old dead lady.

[00:11:36] Um, it's not stealing if you can't give it back.

[00:11:39] No, no chance.

[00:11:40] Then you leave me with no choice.

[00:11:44] Oh, Viv.

[00:11:46] Champion.

[00:11:47] Still got that white Ford Bronco.

[00:11:49] Any chance she'd give us a lift?

[00:11:52] Oh, and uh, have you got a blanket that would cover up something?

[00:11:56] Say, ooh, um, about five foot long.

[00:12:05] Next time on Race to Edinburgh.

[00:12:09] How am I gonna get there in an hour?

[00:12:10] We're gonna need a bigger goat.

[00:12:12] Fortunately, I've brought one of these bad boys.

[00:12:16] If I have to stand down and win from you one more time.

[00:12:19] What do you mean you can't drive?

[00:12:21] It's a trap.

[00:12:22] You take the high road, I'll take an Uber.

[00:12:24] Wrestling with the Champ.

[00:12:26] See the funniest ride in wrestling.

[00:12:29] Live on their pub tour, 24.

[00:12:32] Check Wrestling with the Champ.

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[00:13:47] They're your destination for unbeatable savings,

[00:13:50] from premium gifts to show-stopping flowers

[00:13:52] and irresistible desserts.

[00:13:54] Start by saving 33% with Prime on all body care and candles.

[00:13:58] Then get a 15-stem bunch of tulips for just $9.99 each with Prime.

[00:14:03] Round out Mom's Menu with festive rosé,

[00:14:06] irresistible berry chantilly cake,

[00:14:08] and more special treats.

[00:14:09] Come celebrate Mother's Day at Whole Foods Market.

[00:14:12] This show is part of PEDOMITY,

[00:14:19] the podcast comedy network.

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